The walk was for him more than it was for Bakugou. It was selfish, Kirishima knew that, but he needed to get out of the apartment. It was an excuse to leave Kaminari and the guilt he felt. An excuse to avoid a potential confrontation with Mina. Just an excuse to escape for a moment and breathe, but even then it was impossible with the acrid smell of burnt fabric and skin still clinging to the insides of his nose. It was a sobering reminder that Kirishima could avoid and deflect as much as he wanted, it didn't change what happened.
Bakugou trailed behind him walking slower than he normally did. Kirishima had grown used to hearing the confident steps of Bakugou's stride beside him. It was now just a sluggish scuffing of his boots against the road, exhausted and defeated. Uncertain. They were following their usual route to the park. It had long since been ingrained in the both of them, more of a destination selected based on auto-pilot than anything else, and part of Kirishima worried that he'd be spoiling the place with the events of the night. He just didn't know where else to go. The residual tension in the apartment was suffocating and Kirishima feared that Bakugou (even himself) would be too on edge to physically leave Oterra for a few hours. The park usually brought some kind of solace and at a time where they both needed some peace, it was as good a place as any.
Oterra was still at night. There wasn't much nightlife and the contract workers were often dead-tired early-risers who went to bed at the first sign of dusk. Synthetic lights dotted the streets in large gaps, just enough to ward off total darkness, and the only noticeable sound remaining was that of distant engines humming in the hangar. The air was cool and soothing, like a comforting reminder that it was okay to breathe easy, and that's what Kirishima tried to remind himself as well. Things were bad, he had thousands of questions, but Kaminari would recover and Bakugou was still safe.
The mouth of the alley they cut through stretched wide to reveal the park. It remained as it always did; quiet and empty. It felt normal and it beckoned Kirishima forward with the promise of comfort that could only come under the shroud of night. There was a sort of solitude when the rest of the world fell asleep, one that left Kirishima feeling alone but in a way that was welcoming. The constant bombardment from his friends and family, whom he loved dearly, and the general busyness of everyday life often didn't leave room for silence. He cherished the times he had to himself after the sun set and before it rose again.
Even now with Bakugou at his side, the human at the epicentre of Kirishima's most recent chaos, the calm of the park alleviated some of the pressure weighing on his shoulders.
Leaving Bakugou at the edge of the grass, Kirishima continued forward. He walked towards the tree Bakugou was so fascinated with when he arrived on Oterra and pressed his back against the rough bark. It prickled him uncomfortably through the thin fabric of his shirt and bit at the backs of his arms, but it was grounding in a way. It kept him in the present and away from wandering thoughts that would send him spiralling over what-ifs. He let his eyes slide shut and blocked out his surroundings as he pulled in a deep breath that bordered on painful. Letting it out slowly, Kirishima sank to the ground between the twisting roots. He opened his eyes when he heard Bakugou approach to sit down next to him.
"So…" Kirishima started. He rubbed at the side of his neck, at a loss on how to broach the topic. He wanted to do so carefully so Bakugou didn't feel cornered, but he wasn't even sure what would set Bakugou off and what wouldn't. Careful didn't seem possible. When Bakugou told him not to go to the Federation, he looked hopeless. Whether he liked it or not, he had no choice but to rely on Kirishima, and the very real fact that he put his own security in jeopardy no doubt had him questioning his future. Kirishima didn't want that. He wanted to know more, but he didn't want Bakugou to feel as though his life was on the line. Kirishima shook his head and dropped his hand to the ground, biting the bullet. "Has this happened before?"
Bakugou grunted and Kirishima felt his shoulders sag in disappointment. He watched Bakugou lean forward instead with his hands outstretched against the ground, dragging his fingers through the grass. He did that a lot, Kirishima noticed. Another thing about Bakugou he didn't understand. Too defeated to press the topic, Kirishima gave up. He looked away and tilted his head back against the tree. At least it was a nice night.
"Not in uncontrolled environments."
Kirishima blinked up at the leaves, focusing on how the stars peeked through the gaps, and mulled the answer over. And then he laughed. It was humourless and hollow. Bakugou hadn't said anything funny, but that was just it. Bakugou hadn't said anything at all. He never did. Kirishima felt Bakugou's eyes on him, but he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. He found himself trailing his fingers through the grass, subconsciously mimicking Bakugou's actions.
"Uncontrolled environments," he echoed.
There was a strained lull as Kirishima waited for a snide remark. Nothing came for a long while and then a tired, suffering sigh spilled from Bakugou's mouth. Kirishima still didn't look at him, but he looked at his hands and noted how they were clenched into the grass now, knuckles turning white.
"I need to tell you shit," Bakugou's fingers flexed hard against the ground, "or I can't stay, right? That's what you want?"
Something about the way he spoke made a lump form in Kirishima's throat. At one point maybe that was true, but not now. There wasn't an ultimatum, there was a lack of communication and trust. Bakugou didn't see it that way. He saw a give and take. He saw a fine line he had to toe. He saw punishment and consequences. Kirishima let go of the grass beside him and raked a hand through his hair.
"Bakugou, you've been here for a few months now and I barely know more than your name. I know you said that you couldn't really tell me anything, but… You haven't… You never…" Kirishima floundered over his wording, scrambling over how to convey what he wanted to. The only thing he wanted Bakugou to owe him was the promise of his friends' safety. If Bakugou couldn't promise that, he wanted to know what to do to help him get as close as possible to that reality. The Federation was never going to be involved.
Kirishima looked at Bakugou now, even though the other was no longer facing him, and saw the turmoil in his expression. He had tensed up, bracing himself for Kirishima's next words and preparing to defend himself. He was always fighting to protect himself and Kirishima was sure that was because he never had anyone else to rely on. No one had given Bakugou a chance to trust them. No one, he rationalized, probably ever gave Bakugou a reason to trust them. There was no point in trying to pull out information Bakugou didn't want to give and there was no point in trying to crack Bakugou open. He would only break. But Kirishima could show Bakugou that it was okay to lean on someone if you were falling. He could try.
"I try to help anyone I can because when I was a kid I let someone die." As soon as Kirishima finished saying those words, Bakugou's head jerked up suddenly to face him. Kirishima glanced at him in return, only offering a sad sort of smile, and then turned his attention back to the vacant park. He shrugged. It wasn't his intention to drop a bomb like that; there just wasn't any other way to say it. "Borix-C is a ruthless planet. Everyone there is fine; they're warm and welcoming and friendly. Complete strangers will treat you like family without hesitation. It's literally the planet itself. It's pretty safe if you grew up there and know what to look out for, but it's not a place for tourists. If the things waiting in the deserts don't kill you, the weather will. Do you have lightning on Earth?"
Kirishima paused, giving time for Bakugou to answer, and when he didn't, he tilted his head to meet his eyes. The confusion on Bakugou's face deepened noticeably, almost into a scowl, but he nodded. It prompted Kirishima to continue.
"I don't know what it's like on Earth, but on Borix, when the lightning hits the desert sand, it explodes upwards into these towering black spires. They're hard as stone and sharp as glass. The deserts are usually covered in them and they have these spikes that shoot out in all sorts of directions." For a moment, Kirishima fell silent and recalled staring out at the landscape of his home planet as a kid. He always thought the deserts looked more like the forests he had seen on other planets given how densely packed and tall some of the spires got. Objectively they were magnificent, as breathtaking as sky-reaching trees, but so very lethal. In some way, he always thought that that contributed to the beauty. "They appear in seconds," he added, more somberly, "So, by the time you notice lightning striking near you, you've probably already been impaled."
Bakugou scoffed. "Sounds like shit."
Kirishima shrugged again and chuckled lightly. He understood what Bakugou meant. Borix-C was the farthest thing from a destination planet, but it was his home. He would always carry fond memories of his time there. The dangers of the planet were normal, he never felt scared to go outside or cross the desert, and always had a loving community to come home to.
"Anyway, this one time I was at my aunt's in a village maybe about a mile from my own, and I had to wait to go back home because a storm was passing through. When it finally stopped, I was running through the desert to get back before my curfew and I started to hear some screaming in the distance. It was terrifying, man. But I was a kid! I thought whoever was out there making that noise was going to be less scary than my mom tearing into me for making her worry." Kirishima stopped at that point.
The next part was the hardest to get through and still made his stomach knot up so tightly that he felt physically ill. By some grace, Bakugou must've picked up on his discomfort and offered a level of patience Kirishima had yet to experience. He gave Kirishima time to gather his thoughts, even looking away to offer some level of privacy to remove any pressure he may have felt to continue. Kirishima appreciated it and, after a few more seconds of recalling the memory, he took in a calming breath and closed his eyes.
"I got to the top of a dune and saw him," he said, much quieter than he had been speaking moments ago. "A species I'd never seen before, definitely not someone from Borix, and he was hanging from one of the spikes of a new spire. Stabbed right through his stomach. There was… There was so much blood, Bakugou, and it was so bright against all the black and I just stood there. Frozen." Kirishima opened his eyes and looked at the grass, the trees, the backs of the buildings. Anywhere that wasn't the scene playing on a loop in his mind. "He saw me and started to beg me for help, but I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to do! It felt like hours and I think when he stopped moving is when I finally started to run. I found someone in my village to tell, but it was obviously too late by then."
"That explains why you had nightmares," Bakugou muttered almost flippantly, but his eyes were trained on Kirishima. He was listening; intently, too. Kirishima hummed in agreeance. Most of his nightmares, if not all, centered around what he saw in some way or another. Sometimes they still did.
"Realistically, he wouldn't have made it. Nothing I did would've mattered, but it mattered to me. I never experienced anything like that before and I didn't know how to explain what I felt to anyone. Everyone tried to comfort me and assure me that there was nothing I could've done, but I kept thinking that maybe there was. I could've reacted faster or I could've left earlier and warned him. If I was bigger and stronger, I could've helped him down. I felt like I killed him, or might as well have, and everyone was telling me it was okay." A frustrated noise got caught in the back of Kirishima's throat and he slumped lower down the tree. "I felt so… I don't know."
"Powerless," Bakugou filled in for him and he was right. It had made Kirishima feel powerless and learning later on that his actions really wouldn't have mattered made it hurt even more.
"Yeah. And I hated feeling like that. I got angry for no reason - at my mom for the curfew, at my aunt for making me wait, at the guy for wandering the desert. Myself for obvious reasons. I wanted to never feel like that again, so whenever I came across someone who needed help, I tried to do everything in my power to help them." Raising a knee to rest his elbow on, Kirishima propped his head up on his fist and turned to Bakugou once more.
"It became a bit of an obsession," he admitted, a thin smile tugging at his lips, "and I worried a lot of my family. Eventually had a breakdown under the pressure, fell apart, and it took forever to build myself back up. I felt powerless again. I felt like I failed again. But I had so much support around me and even though they didn't get it, they tried. They wanted to help me and were there for me in the times I couldn't handle my own emotions by myself. Locking them out because they didn't understand ended up with me falling apart so I tried something different. I started to let them in and it did get easier to handle. Over time I forgave myself and sort of just let it go, I guess."
"You still obsessively help everyone."
Bakugou's response was quick and Kirishima huffed out a laugh, his smile growing to a toothy grin. "True, but it's now because I want to and no longer out of guilt."
Bakugou had looked away now, returning his focus to the grass where he slowly pulled at the roots. By now Kirishima knew that Bakugou wasn't ignoring him. He was sitting quietly in contemplation, busying himself with the grass between his fingers as he considered what he was told. No doubt trying to find the angle, Kirishima figured, and deciding on the best way to respond if he should at all.
Braving some sort of possible backlash, Kirishima took a chance and spoke again, answering Bakugou's question more directly. "You don't need to tell me anything, but I want you to." The muscles in Bakugou's shoulders tensed visibly, but not in a way that had Kirishima worried. "You're fighting whatever happened to you alone when you don't need to anymore. You're not on Earth. You're away from the humans and, even though there were sightings, they didn't track you down. I might not get it, but I'd like to try."
Having said what he wanted to say, Kirishima stretched his legs out in front of him and settled more easily against the tree. He wasn't expecting Bakugou to unlock the vault to all of his secrets and say anything right then or even at all that night, but he hoped that he'd consider his offer. He knew it'd be a difficult conversation, especially with someone who knew nothing about the intricacies of Earth, and so much had already happened within the past couple of hours. If Bakugou were ready to talk, it probably wouldn't be now and Kirishima was okay with waiting a little longer.
"Your stars are different," Bakugou said unexpectedly, voice pitched low and hesitant.
It made Kirishima blink in surprise, having already resigned himself to the lack of answers. He pulled away from the tree to look at Bakugou properly, but the human was pointedly keeping his head down. When nothing more was said, Kirishima didn't pry. The words didn't make sense, not yet at least, and Kirishima recalled when Bakugou talked about the flowers on Eamipo. It was a struggle letting out even that much and now, just four words in, Kirishima could see the struggle again.
Bakugou blew out a frustrated breath and leaned forward more, away from Kirishima as though he were trying to hide himself. "I know shit all about astronomy so they look the same to me, but I know they're different. You have more, I think, but we have a moon. I haven't seen a moon here yet." Bakugou lifted his head to look upwards, as though he were double-checking the sky.
"Oterra doesn't have one," Kirishima said, confirming Bakugou's thoughts.
Bakugou nodded distractedly and dropped his gaze back to his hands in the grass. "People really like the Moon on Earth. Always have. There are stories and art that date back centuries all based around it. It's stupid though because it's really just this giant rock suspended in space that bounces sunlight off of it. There's nothing special about it, but we're always in awe when we see it."
The way Bakugou spoke had Kirishima smiling. The hesitancy had left and was replaced with something akin to his usual tone. He sounded mad at the Moon or, at the very least, unimpressed by it. "It's probably like the uh…" Kirishima trailed off and flapped his hand around in the air, trying to remember the word. "The rose! Pretty and something to look at, right?" Bakugou made a noncommittal sound, maybe agreeing with Kirishima, maybe not, and went quiet again.
Kirishima tried to imagine the Moon from Earth's point of view. He'd seen many over his life, of course, and had even been on some, but to most humans, he'd imagine it'd feel unobtainable. It'd be otherworldly. He wondered how it would feel to look up at the sea of black and see the giant, white orb floating amongst the stars.
"I'd like to see it one day," Kirishima tacked on, more speaking his thoughts out loud than prompting the conversation forward.
"Yeah, me too."
A confused chill danced down Kirishima's spine. He opened his mouth to ask what Bakugou meant but stopped himself when he caught a glimpse of his face. The cracks hiding just beneath Bakugou's surface had broken through. He looked hurt; suffering from a pain that was very much a part of him instead of inflicted upon him. He was steeped in it and it ran deeper than Kirishima could ever hope to imagine.
Bakugou's hands slid from the grass and were pulled into his lap. He absentmindedly picked at the flesh around his cuticles, toying with the peeling skin there nervously and Kirishima resisted the urge to stop him.
"When you found me…" Bakugou's breath hitched audibly, the words catching in his throat as though his body was denying to let him speak. He screwed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth in irritation. "When you found me on Alduous," he tried again, "that was the first time I was outside - really outside - and I wasn't even on my own planet."
Hundreds of questions whirled around Kirishima's brain. He didn't know a lot about how humans lived, but given the tone of Bakugou's voice, never being outside definitely wasn't a standard human custom. He found that he couldn't say anything. He was empty of reassuring words and understanding sentiments.
They sat without speaking, both digesting what Bakugou said for quite some time before Bakugou straightened up. He turned to face Kirishima, twisting in his spot on the ground so he was looking at him directly. His expression had been schooled back into something more familiar. He was determined to say what he wanted to and was refusing to succumb to the nerves and emotions he was feeling. Locking eyes to ensure he had Kirishima's attention, although he never lost it, Bakugou continued. "I'm a… I was a prisoner, but I didn't do anything wrong or criminal. I was born in a facility that I wasn't allowed to leave. Ever. I don't know where in the world it was, but it was big. Hundreds of people worked there - scientists, doctors, military. They would survey me, make me do all these tasks, and then one day we went to Alduous. I didn't have a plan - I just saw an opportunity and I took it because dying on some unknown planet was better than going back."
"Why?" The word left Kirishima in a breath of disbelief, being asked unconsciously and without his permission. It held so much more than Bakugou could answer. Why did the facility exist? Why couldn't he leave? Why Alduous? Why him? Kirishima watched a small crease form between Bakugou's brows, confusion momentarily taking over his expression as well.
"I don't know," Bakugou said and shook his head a little, "Experiments? Tests?"
As he spoke, Bakugou reached his hand out. Kirishima faltered, looking between Bakugou's hand and face a few times before reaching out as well. When Bakugou nodded in a silent approval, Kirishima closed the contact between them and took the hand gently into his own.
"Do you see the scar?" Bakugou asked and Kirishima squinted. He tilted Bakugou's hand slowly, cautiously, and Bakugou didn't rush his inspection. Finally, he saw it. A faint and surgical seam that went along the edges of Bakugou's palm, cutting off neatly at his wrist, and then up and down the sides of his fingers. It was healed well, clearly professionally done, and was only detectable upon a close look. Kirishima nodded. "That's pretty new. The last three years or so." Bakugou slowly took his hand back, looking at it himself, and gently traced the scar. "They took the skin off, put some tech in, and sewed me back up. Called it an enhancement."
"An enhancement," Kirishima repeated, disgust tinting the edges of his voice. To him, it was a mutilation.
"Once I healed, they made me use my enhancement until my skin toughened up enough to withstand it. It would blister, peel, then scar, blister, peel, then scar. My skin was raw and bloody for weeks, constantly bandaged, and once the skin was somewhat healed, it would start over again. When they didn't like the results, they cut me back open and tried something new."
"Your eye?" Kirishima asked softly. He felt sick. He could barely hear Bakugou over the rushing in his ears and his stomach rolled in waves with every bit of new information.
"They removed it when I was twelve." Bakugou reached up to touch the back of his head almost mechanically and Kirishima recalled the port he and Kaminari had seen sitting at the base of his skull. "And they drilled into my head when I was fifteen."
"No one stopped them? No one knew?" The questions came out rapid-fire and left his mouth before Kirishima could stop them. If Bakugou minded, he didn't show it.
"You can buy anyone's silence with enough money," Bakugou said and Kirishima felt his blood boil hot and uncomfortable. "Besides, I don't know how many people even know about the facility. They probably have some impressive bullshit in place, arguing that what they did to me could benefit mankind somehow." Bakugou let out a noise, one that sounded like a scornful laugh, and he sneered. "Humans have a real issue with playing God and being in control."
"I am so sorry, Bakugou." The words sounded lame even to his ears, but what else was there for Kirishima to say? How else could he express the emotions he was feeling when no words could adequately capture them? Bakugou's shoulders hiked up in a dismissive shrug and Kirishima shook his head. Without thinking, he reached out to one of Bakugou's hands, making eye contact when Bakugou looked up at him. "That is no way to live and I'm sorry your own people put you through that. I'm sorry they were allowed to hurt you." Bakugou let his eyes drop back to the ground, breaking the gaze almost as though he didn't know how to handle the apology. But then Kirishima felt fingers curl around his own, just a barely-there pressure; a wordless acknowledgement.
"I think I have this protective override or something," Bakugou said instead of verbally addressing the apology. "What happened with Kaminari… I shouldn't have let it happen, but if I start to get…" Bakugou had difficulty finding his wording, clearly trying to avoid words like 'scared' or 'panicked' or anything that would make him sound weak. Despite the conversation, Kirishima's mouth drew up into a sympathetic smile.
"Overwhelmed?" he supplied, much like Bakugou had done for him earlier. Bakugou nodded.
"It obviously doesn't work well, but I was told it's so I don't freeze up. It keeps my body going even when my emotions get in the way so I don't make a mistake and put myself in danger. It keeps me safe."
The fingers around Kirishima's own tightened slightly. It appeared to be a subconscious action on Bakugou's part, as though his body was seeking comfort on its own accord. Kirishima returned the gesture, but something ugly weighed heavily in his mind. The humans were the ones putting Bakugou through hell, but they were also the ones performing the experiments. They were the ones who put the override in place. "Safe from what?"
Bakugou pulled his hand away and the air became devoid of any warmth. Kirishima felt the cold seep into his bones and he watched as Bakugou opened and closed his mouth a few times in a desperate effort to say anything more. He clamped it shut stubbornly.
"Bakugou—"
"I don't know what they want from me, but I can't go back," he said instead. "If they find me, will you help me?"
Kirishima thought the answer was obvious by now, but the way Bakugou's voice shook at the end had his heart sinking low. He'd reassure him as many times as he needed. "Of course," Kirishima said without hesitation.
Kirishima watched as Bakugou took in a nervous breath and curled his hands into fists. He lifted his head, just enough to look Kirishima in the eyes again, and Kirishima felt his heart sink even lower. The red eyes were wet with tears. Ones that Bakugou refused to let fall, but tears nonetheless.
"Do you promise?" Bakugou whispered.
Kirishima could only nod.
A/N: Supernova glossary can be found at "citrusveins . carrd . co" As usual, can read other stories on my AO3 (CitrusVeins) and follow me on Tumblr (CitrusVeins) and Twitter (Citrus_Veins.)