Chapter 2- Together- Simon
They never tell you how exhausting graduating can be. The wait to get the diploma takes hours. During which you struggle to stay awake let alone pay attention. Mom, Dad, Nora, and Alice's enthusiasm was also wearing. And my cheeks hurt from what felt like 100 smiling pictures and I didn't even have my diploma yet. Leah's enthusiasm was there but like mine, it was slightly under the surface. Abby and Nick were over the top, running up to classmates and screaming, throwing their caps in the air. It was really fun to watch, but my god was this shit emotionally taxing. The concept of high school being over was still way too huge for me to process. I was so grateful and relieved that I had my boyfriend to text during the ceremony. I had to be careful about it, because I knew my family's eyes were glued to me, and they would find this to be in poor taste.
Almost there, I think...he sends me.
Yeah, we've only got 4 more years to go. The first 4 were just a warm up. I'm pleased we're both smart enough to have our phones set to silent, you could hear a cell phone vibrate in this auditorium right now. Bram doesn't turn around even though I know he wants too. Because his last name is Greenfield, he's several rows in front of me. I'm near the back, in the same row as Abby. She keeps shooting me a grin from the end of our row. I grin back but even I have to admit I'm getting over the excitement of graduating. As exciting as today was, I would be truly relieved when it was finally over.
So, you excited for your graduation party? He sends me.
What do you think? I send back. It's not like I'm ungrateful. I appreciate how excited and invested in me my parents are. And I love having Alice home for the weekend. But I wish they could let some things go. They make a big deal out of everything. Especially things normal people made a big deal out of as well. I wish they could be more like Bram and Leah's parents. Calm and perfectly willing to celebrate quietly.
I knew I'd have fun but I also really wished it wasn't tomorrow. I needed a breather, to let my mind catch up with how fast life seemed to be racing. At least Bram helped slow things down. He kept me grounded. Bram was so well adjusted. He'd made peace with graduation ages ago. For him, he was just going through the motions. His mind was occupied with the next step, something mine was desperately avoiding. I appreciated his patience with me though. My emotional take on the experience seemed perfectly normal to him even though he wasn't exactly in the same boat.
It won't be much longer. Then we'll get some alone time. He texted me in that instant. He had a knack for saying exactly what I wanted to hear in the moment I needed to hear it. I sighed and felt some of the pressure between my shoulder blades lessen. It really was all I asked for of life. To just get a little more alone time with Bram. There never seemed to be enough. Senior year was crazy busy, and it didn't help that we both had jobs. I also just had the senior play wrap up and Bram and Garrett were co-captains of the soccer team this year. Busy busy busy. But being busy was okay sometimes. It helped the week flyby. And reuniting was always sweeter after time apart.
But my mind was starting to open itself up to worrying beyond the daily grind of high school, especially now that it was finally over; what a concept. No, my mind was basically in a panic. I was undecided about college. It's one of those things everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who's going to college has selected by April at the latest. And I had acceptances. But every morning at the breakfast table when mom and dad grilled me about making a decision I had no answer. It was because in my heart there was no answer. There wasn't anywhere I wanted to go. It was so pitiful how true it was.
"So then go to Georgia," my mom had told me, fed up after one feisty college conversation two weeks ago. And I probably would end up there is what my subconscious had pretty much worked out. Leah and Abby were going, and so it made sense on a social level. Certainly a financial level; even though my parents assured me that I could go anywhere I wanted and they would make it happen. But none of the colleges stood out for me. And it wasn't like I didn't know why. I knew exactly why and there wasn't anything I could do about it even though I knew it about myself. It was because of Bram.
The principal started speaking and I realized how close to actually starting this goddamn graduation was. But I felt the familiar prick of anxiety as I thought about colleges and Bram. It stuck with me, I couldn't push it aside. I looked down and saw another text but this time from Abby.
Si, you look down? What's wrong? I looked over at her and shook my head. She just frowned in concern at me. I wasn't going to text back. Just like how I wasn't talking to anyone about it either. It was wrong and unhealthy. But I wasn't handling the stress well. The first line of students stood up and turned to exit the aisle to get diplomas. I blinked, trying to get myself back in the present. Then I noticed that Bram turned around to look at me and he wasn't smiling. At that moment I realized Abby must have texted him to alert him to my distress. I groaned internally. I tried to smile at him but somehow it felt brittle. He somewhat knew I was concerned about college, but he had no idea the real level of panic that existed within me. My phone buzzed.
It's going to be fine babe. Try and cheer up, I have a graduation gift for you. Bram sent me. The corner of my mouth turned up. And just like that it was like I had been tossed a lifejacket in this moment.
I thought we agreed no presents. I sent back already feeling the weight lifting from my shoulders. No need to panic tonight. There was still time to decide. To talk. To research. To make a choice. It was going to be fine, as my boyfriend pointed out.
This one was non-optional. It had to be arranged. Huh, that was odd even for Bram. But knowing him, he would withhold further details so I put my phone away and turned to find my parents in the crowd. They certainly didn't miss Bram and I locking eyes which meant they didn't miss the texting either. Sure enough mom was shaking her head at me. I made an apologetic expression and then turned back to face the front of the graduation where kids were getting diplomas and families were cheering and taking frantic photos.
After a few rows Bram's row stood and he turned back to look at me again. Grinning in excitement. I felt my cold heart restart and I smiled back, genuine this time. Bram's happiness easily influenced mine. I stood and cheered when he got his diploma. He smiled and posed for the crazy photo takers then descended gracefully from the stage. Sometimes it was hard to believe he really was my boyfriend. He looked so attractive in the graduation gear, a tie peeking out from underneath. It make my heart flutter. Bram was the only thing I was sure about in my life. And with this thought, the anxiety crept back. He was looking at me when this thought crossed my mind and I think he caught my change in expression because he stopped walking and the graduate behind him almost walked into him. Quickly he apologized, embarrassed, then made his way back to his seat. I knew he was going to send another text. Probably only had time for one more before it was my turn to go up. I waited 10 seconds and then checked. I was right.
Simon. Trust me when I say It's going to be fine. I've seen to it. And the text really puzzles me and I don't have time to text back. My row is standing up. I slip my phone away and I hitch a convincing excited smile on my face for my family and for Bram. Really, I'm still wondering what Bram has seen to. I haven't talked to him about this really. He knows I haven't made a college choice but hasn't pressed me on it, especially when he knows it's all my parents are doing now a days. How can he have fixed this problem? But I make eye contact with him again as I shuffle up to the stage and I can tell something is going on. He's got a Mona Lisa smile on. He knows something I don't. Something that's making him really confident and really happy. And so I feel myself start to really smile right when my name is called. As if in a trance I walk up to receive my diploma and in that moment, I feel renewed hope for my future. I hear my parents and friends screaming for me when I turn and smile. I can't believe high school is over.
About 1000 photos later, I'm finally in my bedroom, digesting the celebratory dinner out with my parents and sisters. I change out of my dress up shirt and pants and put on jeans and my Elliott Smith T shirt. I open the CD drive of my laptop and remove a CD I burned for Bram as my graduation present. Even I broke the rules we both set. I spent the past few days mixing it and I wrote details about each song, explaining what each one meant to me and how it reminded me of Bram. I hoped he would like it. I put the CD in a plain case with the descriptions folded up and tucked inside. Bram was due to arrive any minute. Mom and dad were being strangely cool about Bram visiting. Maybe because they knew I was getting older, who knows. But Bram was allowed to come over until 11 whenever it wasn't a school night. And now, school nights were over. He could even be in my room with me but he was never permitted to spend the whole night.
I tidied my room somewhat to try to siphon off excess energy and steady my racing heart, but when that didn't work I spent a few minutes looking at Leah's Instagram to calm myself. It worked most of the time. There was a knock on my door. Quiet and polite. Only my boyfriend.
"Hey," I called and Bram walked in. He also was wearing casual clothes and had his laptop bag with him.
"Hey," he said and set down his bag on the floor and appraised me. I realized I was sitting on my bed, my arms wrapped around my legs. Not the picture of someone delighted to be graduated from high school. "How are you?" it was a loaded question. He didn't ask it with a normal tone.
"I'm hanging in there…" I said and then for some unknown insane reason, my throat got hot and tight. I coughed, uncomfortable. Bram sat down next to me looking concerned. My boyfriend was so emotionally stable. It was an incredible comfort but at the same time, sometimes it was difficult for him to comprehend my shifts in mood. Sometimes he needed to pry the answer out of me, when I just couldn't explain a feeling well. He didn't enjoy it. It was easier for Leah. She could usually guess pretty quick. She read my expressions like a book. I didn't want this night to dissolve into me worrying aloud instead of just in my head so I tried to push the conversation forward. "So how were your parents at the restaurant?" I asked. Bram was looking into my eyes and I knew my question had just stopped him from saying something else.
"Oh. well, yeah it was a bit awkward. It helped that Caleb screamed through dessert. Really sped up the process." He smiled slightly. Bram's younger brother Caleb was almost 2. His parents were divorced but his dad had another son 17 years later. It was easier making small talk about graduation. And so Bram let me. We chatted about our families and the graduation party. I realized about 15 minutes into this though that Bram was just waiting me out. And eventually Bram did cut back to what he was going to ask.
"Will you tell me what's going on with you?" he asked lying next to me in my bed, his head propped up by one elbow. "And don't tell me nothing because I saw you today, something's wrong." His gaze pierced me, brown eyes concerned and fierce in the same moment. It was like he was looking into my soul, it was difficult to look away. I managed to.
"I…" I start not knowing how to begin.
"You're worried about college." He said shortly, slightly impatient which was out of character for him.
"Well, yes…" I said feeling my throat get hot again, and not knowing what to do about it.
"Because you can't choose any, because none of them inspire you…" he whispers, his voice sounding a lot softer. More patient.
"Yes." I say and it doesn't feel like enough of an answer. I sit up and Bram copies me, out knees touching sitting indian style on my bed. "I can't choose to be away from you," I finally confess and it feels gut wrenching to finally admit this weakness. "I want to have a life of my own. I do. I do have my own life and my own interests. But…" and I think my voice is breaking up. Bram looks sobered and I hear myself going to pieces. "...you are what inspires me. You're the only thing I've ever wanted badly. And I don't care where I go or what I do...it doesn't matter because it's not where you are. And I wish I wasn't such a sap or so cliche. I don't want to be this way but I am. I'm sorry.." I said and my eyes feel watery. My throat's dry. Bram silently takes my hand and threads his fingers through mine. He waits a moment, and I realize he's pausing to let me find composure. I grip his hand and manage to get my breathing back to relatively normal. "I don't want you to change your plans for me Bram." I tell him when my voice is steadier. He shakes his head.
"I know that Si. I understand. I don't want you to be sorry. I've been sad about this too. I don't want us to be apart. I want to stay together." He said and leaned in to kiss my forehead. "Why didn't you say anything to me. I figured it out anyway, but why keep this from me?" he asked in a reasonably concerned tone.
"I was ashamed that I couldn't be more like you. Put together with a plan and goals and early acceptance...everything...And I didn't want you to somehow change your college plans because of me either…" I say lamely, one tear escaping out of the corner of my eye. Bram hugs me and I bury my face in his chest, soaking in his warmth. I feel calmer in his arms. Safer. He pulls away and kisses me softly, and I feel the emotions of today in the kiss. I kiss him, desperately and we end up horizontal on my bed. Bram pulls away and rests his forehead on mine.
"If you could have anything for graduation, what would it be?" he whispers to me, eyes still shut. I close my eyes and sigh.
"For us to stay together, even though it sounds totally immature and teenager-y of me to say." I moan. "But yeah, if I have to go off to stressful college I don't want it to be without you." And then Bram pulls away from me, and I blink and sit up, surprised. Bram has moved over to his laptop bag. I sniff and wipe my face and sit Indian style again feeling vulnerable and pretty miserable, let's be honest. Before only I knew how lame this all was and now Bram knows it too. Bram moves back over to me looking oddly formal all of a sudden. He has an envelope. I blink, curiously but bite my tongue, knowing Bram will explain. He's not secretive or mysterious….normally.
"Here Simon. Happy Graduation," he says giving me the envelope. I stare at him, still thrown off by the abruptness of this moment.
"You shouldn't have gotten me anything." I mumble, staring at him not the envelope.
"It's for us really,'' he says, and the hint of a smile is on the edge of his lips. Again, he knows something good. And I think I'm holding the answer. I examine it and I notice that the envelope is addressed to me and it has my address on it. It's thick, like it's made of cardstock. I make my trembling fingers open in and a bunch of odd paperwork spills out. I can't make sense of it. Bram picks up a crisp while sheet of folded paper on the top and opens it up for me before handing it over. I only see one word really on the page at the top in fancy letters. Dartmouth. I don't understand.
"Are you showing me your acceptance letter?" I ask blankly. Bram is looking at me with an excited expression that quickly fades.
"No Simon, I'm showing you yours," he says. I just stare, bemused.
"I don't have one, I never applied to Dartmouth,"I said confused. But then it was my name on this envelope. I pick up the ripped envelope again and look at it. It's not a letter Bram put together. It doesn't have his handwriting on it and it's been officially stamped, like it actually came in the mail. Did it? I snap my gaze back up to Bram and he actually looks a little nervous now.
"What…?" is all I manage. He sighs and then the words start tumbling out of his mouth.
"I knew you were upset about college. I talked to Leah a few months ago and she told me how down you were about it. I didn't know what to do about it because I was already accepted to Dartmouth and you didn't seem to care about any of your colleges. So Leah told me that you obviously needed to go to school with me, seeing as you didn't really know what you wanted to do anyway. Great school. Good theater program," He stops for a moment and stares at me. I can only stare back.
"But obviously it was tricky applying to a college for you. I really needed her help. She filled out the forms will personal information and proofread your essay," he says. I find my voice.
"My essay? On what?" I said having no idea what he's talking about.
"You wrote about how you overcame the odds against us in high school. About the emails, the blackmail, the bullying, and finally finding the confidence to tell the people in your life that you're gay and having the courage to meet me at the fair." he says as he draws a single sheet of white paper from his laptop bag and hands it to me. I look at it and realize it's a copy of the essay. I start to read it and feel my eyes tear up again.
"I'm sorry," he says quickly. "I knew it was a stretch, applying to Dartmouth without asking you. Writing this essay for you. You obviously don't need to go. We can put it aside and pretend it never happened if you want." He says his voice becoming more distressed.
"Shh." I say and he falls silent. I take a moment to arrange my words. "No one has ever done anything like this for me before. I can't even believe it. How can this be real?" I ask looking at him in wonder. "What did you have to do to convince Dartmouth to take me? And this late!?" I demand, feeling a rising excitement in my chest. Relief floods Bram's face.
"Well, all I did was fill out your theatre background and put your GPA, and then write an essay about our story. Apparently, that was all they needed. Maybe it's a gay inclusion thing, who knows?" He smiling softly now; triumphant. "So what do you think?" His eyes sparkle with excitement.
"Well….I know tomorrow's going to be crazy, convincing my parents that I applied to Dartmouth...and got in. I mean Ivy League! Who's going to buy this?" I shake my head, dazed.
"I do." says Bram solemnly. "You amaze me," he says simply, and I feel overwhelmed by the sincerity and heat of those words. I throw myself in his arms and we resume kissing, the paperwork flying up and everywhere, settling into messy piles around us. Eventually he pulls away. "We can't crumple this," he says laughing. We pull apart and gather it all up.
"We've got to read this, see if I have financial aid or whatever is in here," I say holding up a pile.
"So let's get to it," he says taking out his laptop like he's getting ready to do homework, which technically we are, and I can't help but love him even more. "But let me text Leah first," he adds casually, like him and Leah are close buds now. Maybe they are I think, feeling happiness at the thought. "I assume you want to go?" he adds in, a mischievous grin lighting his face. And suddenly, I feel a rush of peace that follows a solution to a problem. The burden is lifted away. I have the hope of attending an amazing college with my boyfriend. No separation. Simply starting again at a new place. Together. I smile and feel buoyant. Excited finally about graduation and the prospect of college.
"Yes.." I breathe. "Yes, yes, yes."