Please note the following chapter contains mild sexual content.
Chapter 6- Go- Renesmee
I heard him before I smelled his scent. For as long as I could remember, my senses were acutely aware of Jake; his scent, his movements, the beat of his heart, the chuckle in the back of his throat. He didn't smell like a wet dog the way that my mother and father reacted to him along with all my other vampire relatives. He smelled like the earth; a rich woods scent, and even though I was surrounded by creatures, all very perceptive of scent, I was the only one who could smell this aspect of him. One time though, I did hear mom describe this before when she was still human. She also said that Jake was his own sun; his personality was warm. I felt this everyday with him. Sometimes I didn't know how to feel about my mother's past with Jake; how it almost seemed like she fell for him even though she loved my father. I also didn't know how to feel about what my father did to my mother when she was young and still human; when he left her for six months. I tried to imagine it from my point of view to make sense of it. If I thought I was hurting Jake by being in his life, wouldn't I also leave to give him the best chance of happiness? I'm grateful that my father changed his mind though, otherwise I wouldn't exist. My parent's love story is something that has always warmed my heart and given me hope. Sometimes on cold winter nights, we like to spend some time sitting together in the big house around a warm fireplace and Aunt Alice and Uncle Emmett tell stories about meeting Uncle Jasper and Aunt Rosalie. I hang on their every word, deeply fascinated by their past. The way that Grandma and Grandpa look at each other as well, is proof that my family is forever and foremost built upon love.
It's different with Mom's family. It's harder to talk about and harder to understand. Most likely because I've never had the chance to meet my other grandmother, and it didn't seem like it was really possible. It made me sad because I knew from the way my mother talked about her that she sorely missed her. Grandpa's very loving, but I can also tell he still missed Grandma Renee sometimes. Instead of love bringing hope to my mother's family, it seemed to make them ache instead. Understanding both realities really grounded me.
The Quileute families were also very interesting. The ties they shared originated in their DNA; the very fabric of their being. Sometimes I managed to convince dad to tell me about the pack mind and how mesmerizing it is. I could have also asked Jake but somehow that felt like an invasion of his privacy. Like my parents, I was also grateful that Jake and I had our own thoughts to ourselves. Unless of course I decided to share a thought with him.
I could hear him more clearly as Jake approached the house. He had just been running and he was trotting up to my window. I loved his wolf form as much as his human form. They held equal parts of his being and I almost felt like he was more vulnerable when he looked at me as a wolf. His heart was human but his soul was the wolf. My wolf.
I peered out the window and saw his dark eyes appraising me in the dark. The moon was reflecting off of them. I opened the window and leaned out, planting a kiss on his nose. After only a moment I perceived that something was wrong. He was frowning slightly in his wolf form. I touched his muzzle and thought, what is it? He raised his head once flicking his muzzle at me and I realized he was communicating that he was about to phase. I stepped back and waited for him to pull some shorts on and climb through the window. I was sure Mom wouldn't be pleased. My parents didn't approve of Jake climbing through my window at night. So there must be a very good reason.
"Hey," he said, in a warm throaty greeting. He leaped lightly through the window and then reached out to give me a hug. I went into his arms willingly wondering what was going on. "You aren't going to like what I have to say," he said quietly. Jake never liked to make me unhappy. He always went to great lengths to prevent it at all costs, even though I pointed out that it was normal every now and then.
"The packs?" I asked worriedly. Jake stepped back and took my hand and led me over to my bed.
"No, no one is hurt," he said sitting down and pulling me close to him. I sat almost completely in his lap and brushed some of his hair out of his face lightly. I felt a pulse of warmth and electricity in the pit of my stomach. More and more this past year, I felt a growing physical attraction to him, that gripped my body and left me overcome and breathless. I knew he felt the same, but always controlled himself. I had the sense it cost him intense effort. It certainly cost me some now. I pushed my desire aside and met his wary gaze. Lust was not on his mind.
"Alice talked to me recently about some of her visions and how unclear they were about the future. She has no idea if the Volturi are coming back or not. I'm not sure that I can live with that uncertainty."
It took me the space of a minute to know what he was doing. He wasn't sharing this thought only with me. My mother could hear him clearly as well from the other side of the house. I knew that she would speak to him directly after this. It took me another minute to truly understand his intention. I also knew that, judging from his expression, he clearly struggled over it emotionally before coming here tonight. Above all his wants and desires, my protection was the utmost priority.
He was attempting to make this choice for me because he knew I didn't want this. Often he told me I was irrational about my safety. That I took too much for granted, and I should be more concerned and more careful. Maybe he was right. I didn't really fear much at all. The only thing I really feared was losing the ones I loved. And this is what he felt for me right now. I shook my head, not wanting to hear this.
"I want us to run away together," he said carefully. "I don't know if they will be able to track us, but we can do our best. The Cullens will deal with the threat, but I know that they want you safe."
"You don't even know if they're after us," I whispered, upset that my mother could hear this. I didn't want her to think that I could ever run away from her, from our family.
"Better safe than sorry," he said, tightening his grip on me.
"But your pack, college…" I said my voice trailing off, because I knew that neither of these things mattered to Jake compared to my safety. I also felt like he was dead set on this decision. I didn't know if I could change his mind.
Mom knocked and came into the room. Jake immediately extracted me from his lap, shifting me so I was sitting next to him.
"Jake," she said and I could hear the desolation in her voice. "Are you really serious?"
He looked at her, and I could see in his eyes that he regretted that he had to have this conversation with her. That he never planned to, and his hand was forced.
"Once you were planning to trust me with her for safe keeping. It's come down to it again. Don't tell me you haven't predicted it yourself."
I didn't exactly understand what he meant. What did he mean that she trusted me with him? I looked questioningly at her but she shook her head slightly. I knew that she didn't plan to tell me in this moment.
"I guess I thought we had more time," I heard her say, and for the first time in several years, I could tell that there were tears in her voice even though they were not in her eyes. My parents couldn't cry because they were vampires.
"You'll hear from us. I don't know how, but we will find ways. But you're the only one I'll talk to." I also understood what this meant. My mother has a mental shield. No one can read her thoughts. She was able to project it to protect me 6 years ago when the Volturi came to Forks. If they ever were to return, they would never know about the reasons Jake and I left, where we were, or any conversations we had with Mom. No one could ever know her thoughts. It was our safety.
"What am I supposed to say to Edward?" She said brokenly.
"He's hunting. I waited until he left with Emmett and Jasper. We don't have much time." He stood and approached her and gave her a hug, ignoring her ice cold skin. He had long gotten over being close to vampires. "Tell him that Ness and I decided to take a journey on our own because we're young and in love." It sounded pretty silly to me but his voice was only serious.
"He knows how much Ness loves school," she contradicted.
"I think it's the best story. You're the only one who can convince him because he can't hear you. We have to keep this from them. We can always come back in a few months. Or longer…" he trailed off and I could tell that it was painful for him to imagine being away from his pack. He could never tell them also. He would leave no clues in anyone's mind. He was thorough.
"You need to return. I'll miss you both every minute of every day," she said and with that comment, she was accepting what Jake proposed. Did I accept it? I felt dizzy and sick, jarred with this plan; the extremeness of it. But was it extreme? I felt a chill of dread spread over me. The concept of not seeing my parents again was impossibly foreign. I would never ever accept that. Nothing on earth could keep me from them forever. Unless…
"I couldn't bear it, knowing that something will happen to you.." I moaned and launched myself into my mother's arms. She stroked my hair and I could feel that there was a tremble in her touch.
"We have Alice. We have your father," she said and I could tell in her voice that she was worried about my safety too. It was this that convinced her that she had to let me go for now. And wouldn't I go eventually? Out into the world for the first time on my own without my parents? It was a growing pain that I wasn't prepared for. But I looked back at Jake and realized that I would forever go wherever he went. Our life together stretched out and wound away from my parents. We would always be reunited again and again as long as we lived. But for the first time, I also accepted that we would also be apart. But I wouldn't stay away for more than a year at a time. I didn't even know how I would handle a month. I'd have to talk to Jake when we were alone.
"Bells. I've known that you've always feared this was a reality. I found the backpack in my room. I bet Edward doesn't even know you put it there." My mother stared at him solemnly saying nothing.
"Is it with you?" She asked her voice catching.
"Yes. I have everything," he said and glanced at me pointedly. And I saw that he thought that he had everything, except me, but he soon would. "We'll go south. I'll find Zaphrina," he assured her.
"You realize that eventually your pack will know what you're up to because you share thoughts in your wolf form," my mother said. Jake sighed. "I've left my pack. They can't hear me anymore," and I felt my eyes tear up as I heard the heartbreak in his voice. I took his hand and squeezed it.
We really were alone now. We would be leaving everyone who could read our thoughts behind.
"When you come back they'll be waiting for you. I'll tell them you're going away with Ness, the same story I'll tell Edward. After all I am taking acting lessons." Her voice fell flat and I knew that her heart was broken. I couldn't bear it.
"You'll have more than enough money to buy anything you could need. I added some more," she said. Then she approached me and pulled me into a hug.
"I refuse to say goodbye. This is temporary. I'll tell myself every minute of every day," she managed in a rough voice.
"So will I," I said, feeling my voice break as well. "And we will reach out to you like Jake said," I confirmed.
"I love you Mom," I said bravely, I drew my strength from Jake. He was always my rock.
"I love you more than my own life. At my wedding, I said what you just said to my own mother, also in goodbye. Why must I repeat this this way?" she said in a whisper.
"Temporary," Jake breathed behind us.
"You need to go before Edward comes back," said my mother pulling away. I could see the desolation in her eyes but she already was pushing the emotion down. I felt dizzy and punch-drunk. Jake was razor focused on the mission. In a matter of moments he grabbed the only things in my room he knew mattered at all to me. My locket from my parents, my iPod from my father, my promise ring from Jake, and a book of photos. I wouldn't need much clothes, I knew that. I also had some stuff at Jake's house. I pulled a coat from my closet and a hat. I grabbed some hiking boots, some sneakers, and slipped into my tevas. It was still warm out, and I wouldn't need my coat long where we were going. But I knew that it could still be cold at night. I would have my warm werewolf always. Jake snagged a bag and easily fit everything into it. I tucked a very soft cashmere blanket my parents bought me for my birthday under my arm. My mother reached into the closet and extracted the most beautiful blue blouse I have ever owned. I only wore it for special occasions. I wouldn't need it where I was going, but she knew it was my favorite. I took it in my hand. I was barely holding on.
"Go, I love you," she said then turned to Jake and said, "Take care of her." Jake easily wound me into his arms, startling me and jumped cleanly out the window, my whispered goodbye falling from my lips and fading into the night.
Jake flew through the forest in his wolf form. Wanting to miss my father. I broke down realizing I never had a chance to tell him goodbye. My thoughts were never safe like my mother's. I wondered if my mother was casting a shield over us to continue to protect our thoughts as we ran away. I thought that she was. I still couldn't believe this was actually happening, was I only relaxing in my bed half an hour ago? My heart continued to break because realized I wouldn't see my grandfathers, grandmother, or my aunts and uncles. I wouldn't see the pack. I would miss all of them terribly and there was nothing I could do. And Jake cut ties with them as well, all for me. I think my heart broke the most for him. I felt Jake quietly humming a strange tuneless sound from his throat that made his body rumble. It sounded like a whisper, a sigh, and a song combined. I knew he was trying to comfort me. Always putting my needs first.
In less than no time at all, we reached his father's house. A small cute house and garage that were nestled in the trees of the La Push reservation. I'd always enjoyed coming here because it felt so relaxed and free; a sanctuary for just the two of us and occasionally a cheery Billy inside, still moving around in his wheelchair. He was getting older, and I knew Jake worried about him. I also knew that while we were gone, my parents would make sure he was taken care of. I knew he was asleep now and we would not wake him. Jake wasn't going inside, he was heading for the garage. I didn't know why we were here. He stopped and lowered himself to the ground. Gently he set me down and moved behind the garage to phase. I continued to weep and he was back in a minute, cradling me in his arms.
"I'm sorry. I never wanted this," he said kissing my hair.
"Why are we here?" I managed.
"I know you needed a couple minutes," he said quietly. He really didn't know what I needed. I didn't know myself. I tried to stem the flow and I knew that Jake was agonized with this. It's why I tried to avoid crying at all costs.
"I've got you, I'll never leave you," he said solemnly and hugging me and I knew without a doubt it was true. He nuzzled my face and I felt tears on his face as well. This made my stomach twist because he never did this. He only did once when Aunt Alice threw us a fake prom and I came out in my dress. We danced on a dance floor surrounded by twinkle lights under the stars. Dad played piano for us. Jake told me I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen with watery eyes. The memory of this helped me get a hold of myself. My family was still mine, I was just going away for a while. I had to maintain that mindset. I looked up and kissed his teary cheek. He looked back at me looking vulnerable, and my heart ached for him. I wiped his other tears away and kissed his mouth gently. For the first time Jake and I were also completely alone. We would never need to hide our love. Anything at all, now that our thoughts were safe. The warmth in me reared up suddenly as I stared into his pained beautiful eyes, stunning me and making me catch my breath. I felt his arms around me, my skin feeling hot where he touched. And then somehow I was kissing him again passionately without deciding to consciously. At first he kissed me back cautiously, still crying quietly. After a moment he stopped, processing my level of desperation. I didn't really give in to this sort of thing ever. I hadn't felt ready for this level of intimacy yet. He was unprepared for this. I could feel him hold back and then eventually completely let go, kissing me like his life depended on it. Maybe it did. I sat in his lap and ran my fingers through his hair. He clutched my lower back. My throat felt hot and dry as I pushed him down to the ground. He was surprised lying there staring blankly up at me. He didn't say anything though. He stared beseechingly, and I knew that he would do anything at all that I asked for. He would comfort me. He would sleep next to me. He would kiss me. And for the first time in my life I wondered if he would sleep with me. I stared at him, panting, and I suddenly was aware of how nervous he was. His heart was pounding under his T-shirt. He was shaking slightly, but not in the way he would to phase. He stared into my eyes, frozen. I wiped his face for him again gently. "No more tears," I said gently, then kissed his cheek. I reached down and lifted his shirt slightly. He continued to blink, simply stunned. Maybe he imagined this a hundred times. A thousand times. Daydreams and real dreams. And I was finally being more intimate with him in reality.
"Ness," he groaned, in slight protest, as he understood, concern in his glittering eyes.
"No," I whispered, and managed to pull his shirt over his head. He tried to sit up and I pushed him firmly back down. And I think this shocked him more than ever, his mouth popped open.
"Ness I.." I leaned down and kissed his ear.
"Shhh, baby. It's fine." I said in a whisper. I rarely ever called him that. He tensed. "Are you okay?" ...with sex. I asked him, knowing he knew what I meant. I was stunned I was saying any of this. But I felt a hunger I never possessed before. He couldn't speak, he lay perfectly still, his eyes inches from mine. I saw the desire there, and the anxiety. He didn't say no though. I dipped down and kissed down his throat and moved to his chest. I traced the planes of his chest marveling his beautiful golden skin. He was so beautiful. I felt him tremble slightly. I wanted to calm him, and excite him even more. With my lower body I ground myself against him with a lust that I never did before. He gasped aloud. Maybe I always knew I'd eventually seduce him. He certainly never would pressure me in the slightest or make any sort of move like this. I sort of liked that I was doing it. That I was assuring him for once. That he was so vulnerable and trusting of me. I felt him beneath me and I knew he wanted this. His body did. He just needed to disconnect his mind. Let himself feel. I wanted to help him try. For the first time in my life I touched him gently through his shorts and he jumped. I moved back up to him and kissed his lips. He answering kiss was cautious. I wound my fingers through his and I lifted his hand and guided it to my chest. I eased his hand on me letting him touch me. After a minute he let himself explore me more freely. He was gentle. I could tell he was really turned on by me now. There was a need in his eyes now.
I pulled my own shirt off revealing my bra, knowing he wouldn't do it. He gazed at me and I surprisingly didn't feel self conscious. In the back of my mind, I processed that this was the first time he'd ever gone this far with anyone. Sure he kissed people before, but never did he get naked or have sex. Either kind of it. I didn't know if I should be naked yet. I didn't know what I was doing. I was a virgin as well. I'd only ever kissed Jake or held his hand. Not much else. But I saw this in movies. It seemed to be going alright so far.
"I'm going to try something, stop me if you want me to, okay?" I said and he gulped. I think he knew what I was going to do. He sat up, holding me so I wouldn't fall.
"Ness I don't expect anything, really. We can stop, this is a lot," he said in a small voice I did not recognize. Afraid.
"I want to," I said.
"But you're emotional, it's not.." I kissed him to stop him. His anxiety was ruining this for him.
"Jake, It's going to feel amazing. I want you, I want to do this," I said and I knew this, more than anything at all surprised him. "Don't you want it?" I asked him, brought up short, for the first time really feeling self conscious. Maybe he wasn't ready to be naked with me and I was moving too fast for him.
"Yeah, of course I do," he moaned, I knew how badly he wanted me. "I love you," he told me and it sounded like he was overcome with the power and truth of it.
"I'm okay with all of it, I love you." I said, finally confirming for him how far I would take this. He swallowed again, overwhelmed.
"I want you to be okay," he said reaching out and stroked my face, his hand more steady than before. "Okay, we'll take it slow, no need to rush," I said kissing his jaw. He still looked at me looking sightly reluctant. "Yeah… Yeah I'd prefer that," he said sounding a bit relieved. But I wanted to do more tonight.
"Could you lie back and relax for me?" I said in my first attempt at a seductive voice. His eyes popped. He hesitated for the last time studying my expression, confirming that I was serious. We were running away together, starting our lives independently, the world our oyster, and his expression changed finally. He was letting go. And I knew then, we were lovers.
"Okay babe" he answered his voice warm, sensual. He kissed me. Then he did it, lying back slowly, nestling down on the floor. Giving himself to me, unreserved. His body relaxed under me. I finally got what I wanted.
I began kissing his ear, gentle and slowly. He moaned, this turning him on greatly. I kissed down his neck and to his chest. I felt goosebumps on him. I kissed deliberately down to his naval and I felt his anticipation in his body. When I reached his shorts I stroked the waistband.
"Is it okay if I keep going? If I take these off?" I asked quietly. There was a pause.
"Yes.." he said sounding slightly anxious.
"I can wait if you're nervous, we don't have to do this," Jake shook his head. "It's just a big moment for me is all," he admitted.
"Me too, I love you. And finally I get to love all of you..." I said, feeling my cheeks blush. Jacob smiled.
"Please," he said and closed his eyes. I tugged them down slowly, hooking them off him. He lay stock still. I sighed. His eyes snapped open, looking vulnerable.
"You're so beautiful," I said, marveling at his beauty, just like every other part of him. And he was mine forever. I stroked him softly and he shivered in pleasure.
"Ohh.." he moaned.
"That's right," I said, seductively and leaned down to kiss his belly button. Then down to his happy trail gently. Savoring each moment. Then I gently connected my mouth to him, he was very turned on to me. He jerked and again, moaned in pleasure.
"That feels….oh...so good.." he managed. I continued, experimenting with different motions.
His moans put me over the edge. Trembling with pleasure, gripping the ground with his hands. "Oh God…" he moaned. "Oh my God…" it was weak with pleasure. I ran my hands lightly over his legs savoring the goose bumps. His inner thigh was so sensitive. And other parts too. He was extraordinary. Just like the rest of him.
"Still okay?" I asked gently, disconnecting from him.
"Yes.." he moaned so weak. "I love you Ness," and his voice sounded thick. I stroked his stomach, comforting his sudden wave of emotion.
"I love you baby," I crooned. Then I moved back to him. I knew when he was close, I could tell. His breathing was ragged.
"I'm… I'm…" he gasped. I knew. I sent him a thought, because I couldn't disconnect from him at this point. Come for me. His voice caught. Then he climaxed, gasping and shaking. After a few moments, he relaxed back. "Ohh," he moaned letting out his breath. "Ness...Ness," he whispered. I disengaged and kissed his stomach gently. "That was so good. Oh my God," he whispered. I pulled myself higher so I was laying on his chest and stroked his hair. He wound his arms around me. "Do you want..?" He asked gently, referring to pleasure for me.
"No, not tonight," realizing how true it was. And how it was better to slow down. We had enough time, eternity. And he obviously was concerned about the speed as well. "Why don't we rest for a few minutes. Not too many. I know we can't linger long just a few minutes…" I said gently. I could tell the emotions of it had drained him. I reached down and pulled his shorts up. Then I brushed my watch setting 20 minutes of rest time. "Close your eyes, I love you." I said gently stroking his chest. He blinked sleepily. I nestled into his arms and he was welcoming of my desire to doze.
"I love you," he breathed. He fell asleep in moments. More exhausted than I realized. And our world changed forever. It was a moment of bliss right in the middle of hell. I drifted off welcoming the oblivion even just for a few minutes, in my boyfriend's arms.