Chapter 9- Burning- Simon

I was dead. No doubt. I had no other thought, only I wished they still could kill me. The pain was unbelievable, so surreal and painfully sharp. I felt each blistering tongue of flame. Hell. I was burning in hell. I couldn't remember how I died. It was hard to think about anything other than the pyre. Words, not mine, drifted in and out. I wasn't exactly conscious...in hell. An unconscious dead person? But then I heard the voice again and could understand some of what was said.

"It's almost over," said the voice, female I thought. What was? Hell? I thought that was forever? Then the person asked If I could hear them. I mean, I could, but I couldn't answer. I couldn't exactly find my mouth, or my voice. Was I floating? Sitting? Lying down? Falling? I had no idea. The pain was never ending and so time lost all meaning. I felt a pain in my throat and realized I could talk, because It felt like I might be screaming. I stopped. It didn't help. It just hurt my throat slightly more. I tried to move and I found that I could. I could twist my hands into fists. I felt pressure on one of them. Was someone trying to hold my hand? I opened it and felt my fingers get squeezed again. Was someone in hell with me? All I saw were the red insides of my eyelids. Could I see? I tried opening them, and it was like I was rising from underwater, suddenly the world became clearer, it slid into focus, as if emerging from fog. I saw Ness's face of all people. She must have been talking to me. I was in a white room. It didn't look like I pictured hell to look like. Flaming, like how I felt. Her face was scrunched up in concern, but it didn't look like she was burning also.

"Ness?" I tried saying, and it came out sounding weak and wheezy.

"I'm here Simon," she answered and held my burning hand in both of hers. I looked at it and didn't see any fire there. Just my hand. She touched my face and I only felt slight pressure. The fire burned away the memory of cool touch.

"Are...are we dead?" I thought I said.

"No Simon...we aren't dead. You're going through a transformation," she said and her eyes were sad. Devastated even. I had no idea at all what she meant. A blonde man with a flawless face bent over me. I blinked and was shocked to notice that he resembled Edward in a way. The flawless perfection.

"Simon, my name is Carlisle. I know this is confusing and hellish, and it is hard to concentrate on me, but we will attempt to explain. You won't be in agony for much longer," he assured me. I stared at him stupidly, wondering what much longer meant. A minute or a week. Ness stroked my hair and I looked back at her. How long had I been here. My thoughts drifted and rested on Bram. I felt panic at the thought.

"Bram?" I asked urgently. Maybe he was here in another room and didn't know I was...awake, if that's what you could call it. Ness looked pained.

"I'm sorry Simon, Bram isn't here right now," she said.

"Can..can we get him?" I asked, not understanding why they hadn't yet.

"We can't get Bram right now," she said in a constricted voice.

"Please," I begged. She didn't understand. I needed him. He needed to know where I was. A look of agony crossed her face.

"No, I'm sorry honey, we just can't right now," she said gently and stroked my face. It felt like I might have been crying. I had no idea. Did Bram even know where I was? I wondered. It didn't look like it. For whatever reason I didn't understand, he couldn't know about what was happening to me. What on Earth was happening to me?

"Why?" I pressed, feeling even more tongues of unrelenting flame, I jerked in agony.

"We can't explain this to him right now, he'll be panicked, he won't understand," she said. That would make two of us.

"But, I'm just in pain," I said confused. Aren't loved ones allowed to visit the sick and injured. Was I contagious or something. Probably not because they were all here. Was sick a good word to describe what was happening?

"That's not all, your body...it's changing right now," she said. I felt alarmed. There was movement and I saw Edward move over me next to Ness. Was everyone here?

"You know how my friends and I stand out at school," he said, acknowledging the first thing I thought when I saw him. The staggering unearthly beauty that made no sense. I nodded. "You'll look like us. You're turning into one of us," he said gently. What a supermodel? The burning was making me beautiful? That made no sense. He sighed looking frustrated. Like he was trying to find a delicate way to deal with something difficult.

"We're not exactly...human. We're supernatural beings. Albeit, nice ones. We would never hurt you," he said holding up his hands. Supernatural beings. Okay. Was I actually asleep. Difficult to think that with this pain. This could wake the real dead, which I seemed not to be. Yet. Was I dying? I didn't know. If so, I hoped it would hurry up. I couldn't bear this agony. Not for another minute.

"I know you don't believe me, but you will. Until I can show you evidence, I'm going to explain. We aren't human. We used to be until we transformed, and burned like you are now," he said. Okay. So he knew enough that I was burning. It was hard to explain that one, because I hadn't described my pain to them. Odd indeed. "Once transformed, we have super strength and speed. We have other abilities. We also don't need to eat or sleep anymore. We don't age, which means, we don't die," he said simply. Was he telling me they were immortal. Immortal. Really?

"Yes really," he answered and I blinked rapidly. "I, among my family, am the only one who can hear thoughts. It is one of my supernatural abilities. Ness can send thoughts," he said turning to her. I followed his gaze. She looked burdened but reached out to touch my cheek. Instantly I saw images, but I could also see through them to her face. The image was of someone who looked like me in a classroom. I turned and smiled at her and she sat down next to me. Was this what I looked like to other people? I thought. The image dissapeared.

"You did that?" I croaked.

"Yes, I was showing you my first memory of you," she whispered. Edward drew my attention back to him by clearing his throat.

"We don't eat but we still need something to survive. Blood. It turns out it doesn't matter which kind. We drink animal blood. Like deer. But humans eat deer too, so we don't see it as a problem," he said. Blood drinkers? Okay like...vampires? Blood sucking vampires. They were all very very pale. Edward nodded sadly.

"Yes, that is what we are. Although we don't turn into bats. We have reflections. Garlic doesn't bother us. We don't burst into flame in the sun, but our skin does look crystalline, so really, we can't go in the sun without tipping others off that something is wrong with us. We protect our identity. That's why were really there in the evenings. Ness is not a full vampire, so she can go outside. Jake isn't one at all. We call him a shapeshifter," he said. My head started to spin on top of the pain. I couldn't focus. I felt my lucidity dip, and again thought of Bram. I felt anguished.

"Si...I'm sorry," Ness sighed sadly, dabbing my forehead.

"Ness...please, I want Bram," I managed through a locked jaw.

"Simon," she said quietly, in distress. I noticed a shadow moving and Jake entered my vision. I spoke to him.

"Jake...Jake, you know Bram. He's worried sick...he'll be crazy not knowing," I pleaded. I imagined Bram disappearing for days and the idea made me feel sick. I had to break off. Jake looked upset. I knew he understood, because he would be if this happened to him and Ness. He patted my shoulder then turned away and began talking to Edward quietly. Didn't they understand? I cared less about my situation and more so for Bram's emotional pain. I would be beside myself, terrified, if I couldn't find Bram after two days. I heard Jake say faintly, come on Bells. The the sound of a door closing. I couldn't do anything, but lie there and burn. Again, I wished I could just die. I slipped in and out of understanding, wrapped up in the pain. Things started changing though. I found that I could strangely hear with more accuracy. I could hear them talking from outside the room. How strange. I also felt stronger slightly even though the fire kept me paralyzed in pain. I contemplated my situation, because I had an ability to think more sharply and be aware of the pain almost separately. I couldn't imagine that I was going back to Dartmouth like this. Unless I woke up feeling just as I had, only now instead of going to the dining common, I was going ...hunting? For animals? It sounded so weird to me. But all of this was weird. And what about Bram and I? When I finally saw him again, apparently I would look different. Like Edward and Bella. Could he love me if I were this different? If I wasn't human? Would I hurt him? Was I safe? Automatically, although I wasn't sure how, I knew I wouldn't be. I could feel the strength in me. I would need to be careful. I would need to learn how to be careful. Edward appeared by what must have been a couch, that I was on.

"Simon, if you have any questions about what's going on or about vampires, you can think them and I can answer you if you'd like," he said. In his eyes I could tell that he was desperate to do anything helpful for me.

How far away can you hear thoughts? Is it everyone all at once? I thought.

"If I'm familiar with someone's mind, I can hear them a bit farther. But I can hear quite a ways away, for example across the campus, I could hear you. Yes I hear everyone. It's like a roar of white noise. If I focus on one voice, it's like turning up the volume on that one person, and the other sounds become white noise," he said.

And the rest of you can't hear thoughts? I thought.

"No, only myself. However, my sister Alice who is here with us can see visions of the future. But they are subjective. That means that if someone changes their mind about something, the vision changes. She can't see certain things. For example, Jake and other shapeshifters."

The future? Are you kidding me?

"No, it's how we knew you would be in danger. When we were together in Washington, she saw a vision of the blonde vampire killing you, so we rushed back. She didn't kill you because we acted, but we didn't know you would be turned," He said and his eyes looked grave.

"My brother Jasper, her mate, can manipulate the emotions of others. Influencing them one way or another." he said. Wow, that was something, I thought. "Bella can protect her mind and the minds of those around her from other supernatural gifts. For example, a vampire who can make you feel pain," he added. That seemed very useful.

What about Ness? I thought and also about how it was strange how she wasn't a full vampire.

"Ness can send thoughts through touch as you experienced, but yes she is not a full vampire like myself. Her story is more complicated. She will explain it in good time," he said. Ness was with Bella in another room, talking quietly.

Why did this even happen? I know you guys would never hurt me. There was a blonde vampire right? She was a bad one? I guessed.

"Yes, she followed out scent in and it led her to you and Bram. She took you to try and manipulate us into giving her something she wanted. It didn't work." He said, a little vague. But I figured if he didn't mention it, it meant that he wasn't going to go into it.

So that's what's dangerous about us? We smell human blood? We're predators?

"Yes, in a way we are the ultimate hunter. Everything about us invites our prey in. How we look, sound, even our smell. And of course our heightened senses and abilities make us the most deadly creatures on this planet," he said, sounding disgusted by his own kind.

Wait, so nothing can kill us? I thought, weirded out by the idea. Like bulletproof superman?

"Actually, the wolves, the shapeshifters like Jake can do that. But we have made a treaty with that tribe. Jacob is obviously a very close friend, part of this family. As you can see, they wouldn't harm us. They do attack vampires who feed on humans however. And of course we can kill each other," he said and he sounded mildly uncomfortable.

So, is it like an instant kill or something? I asked morbidly curious with also nowhere to go and nothing to do but burn.

"We need to be incapacitated, then burnt with fire," he said, and I had an inkling he was keeping it simple. It seemed fitting that fire would end our lives. Fire started this vampire life. He nodded along with my thoughts.

So, Bram...I can't see him when I'm vampire at first to protect him because I'll want human blood? I confirmed, incapable of imagining such a scenario.

"Yes, but we all went through it and have found a way to train ourselves to ignore the instinct. Eventually, you can mix with humans and resist the urge to harm them, as long as you stay reasonably nourished off of animal blood," he replied.

And it's not something you learn immediately.

"It's different for different vampires. It took Bella a week. No even. But we suspect this is part of her supernatural ability. It took my brother Jasper years to figure it out. Myself as well. We have no way of knowing, we will do our best to teach you quickly, and of course, there are so many of us, you won't have accidents. But you will be much much stronger than us tomorrow," he said. And with a jolt I realized how soon this was all happening.

Why on Earth would I be stronger than you? I asked feeling stupefied.

"Because a new vampire still has their own human blood in them, which gives them extra strength the first few months of this life," he said, and I guessed that made sense in this crazy not-making-sense-at-all impossible scenario.

So once I learn, I can see Bram. I thought, frustrated that we had to live apart.

"Yes, it should work. It depends on if he can accept what we are, who you are. I feel as though if we all reason with him, especially Jake who isn't a vampire, we can convince him."

Bram loves me, and I don't think it matters to him what form I come in. I thought, though I felt a prick of doubt and fear.

"It never mattered to Bella," he said with a faint smile. "She took me as I was, loved everything about me, and now we are equals," he said. I felt confused. What did he mean? "I met Bella when she was human. We fell in love and she learned what I was. After a year of being together, I asked her to marry me. Later, due to extreme circumstances, I needed to change her into a vampire to save her life. But she knew early in our relationship that she wanted to be a vampire too. And she has never regretted it. She's happy," he said. I thought about this interesting story. I sensed I wasn't supposed to ask about the circumstances. Maybe I would find out later. But she decided to become one, which seemed odd. "It is," he said. "The rest of us never had a choice. We were turned by others or my father Carlilse turned us to save our lives. We were dying. I myself of spanish influenza," he said.I was also attacked and had no choice. But Bram... would Bram act as Bella did? Would he want a vampire life?

"This is a difficult and complex thing," Edward said, and I noted a heavy sadness in his voice. "It's difficult to be with a human. They are so breakable. They age. Eventually, he would age past you, and you can never change. Bella feared being an old woman with me. I told her I didn't care but she couldn't fathom it. She wanted to be changed around the same age as me," he said. I thought about Bram. That would mean he would want to this year or the following year, if he wanted to be my age too. But how could I ask him to go through this? To burn and give up so much? It seemed like an incredible sacrifice.

"Yes. I didn't want Bella to change. I loved her as she was and didn't want to steal her future. Also, I inherently believed that vampires were an evil soulless being; myself included. I couldn't bear the thought of risking her soul. She disagrees, claiming we absolutely have souls. We can't know either way now. But it is a debate," he said, looking into my eyes with an unfathomable expression. "I've tried to be good and not kill. I did in my past, but I never will again if I can help it. I don't know if living life as a good person is enough to make up for what I have done," he said in a heavy voice. I was thankful I had so many people to stop me from killing myself. I couldn't imagine killing anyone. I couldn't live with the guilt. Edward nodded solemnly. He would help me. My thoughts strayed back to Bram, longingly, and I imagined him looking like a vampire. I didn't know what to think.

"There would be things he could lose. You may lose," he said looking somber. "For example, it may not be possible for you to see loved ones in this state. Your change may alarm them. They can't sound the alarm on us, it would endanger our anonymity. It's true Bella reunited with her father under careful circumstances. We may be able to proceed that way with you as well, it depends on the personalities of these people as well. Could they believe in the supernatural? We can't tell them we are vampires, to protect them. Bella's father has no idea what she really is. Just that she is drastically different" he said and my mind shifted in a painful stroke to Leah's face and my sisters and parents. Nick and Abby. How was I supposed to live without them? How could I disappear on them, and never give them closure? I felt my eyes fill with tears again, and the air catch in my throat. It was hard to stop.

"Simon, I'm so sorry," he said in a gentle voice. He held my shoulder. "With my mind reading abilities and Alice's visions maybe we can see who would accept the story and proceed with those people. Don't give up hope. Perhaps we can stall them until you are ready," he said and I could tell he was grasping for straws. There were no guarantees. I felt the tears on my face and Edward looked helpless. "I really am sorry for your pain. I'll do everything to help you," he promised me. I nodded, and tried not to think of them anymore. Burning and emotional pain combined was too much. I couldn't withstand it. I felt raw and miserable. The flames didn't let up.

"Maybe we could take a break, talk more later. Would you prefer that?" he asked me, clearly not knowing what to do,

Yeah, maybe for a while. But I'll probably want to be distracted in a bit. Maybe you could tell me more about the vampire world, the history or something. But not now...I thought, realizing I wanted to mourn my human life. Never would I thought I would be dying, yet also be sort of alive and still present to experience it, and...exist past death. Still here. On Earth. It would be so selfish to ask Bram to throw his life away. To never change again. To exist on, dead, yet alive in a way. Would life be good again for the two of us? Could we be happy this way? I thought desperately. But then I paused, and I thought of the hundreds of times I saw Edward and Bella, and Jake and Ness happy. They had human friends. They went to school. They blended in to the best of their ability. They did have happy lives. It gave me some hope. Maybe Bram and I would go to Dartmouth again in the future. It was unclear. But not hopeless. There was a chance.

I wished I could sleep. Apparently I never would again, which was difficult to wrap my head around. But I was changing. My senses were sharpening. My vision was already better enough that I didn't need glasses. My hearing was so good it was unnerving. Maybe I would have an extra ability also. I tried to imagine what would be cool to have to occupy my mind, but it didn't distract me well. Eventually I gave up and pictured Bram, replaying happy memories from the past few months. I felt like I would give anything to see him right now. I cringed and writhed with the flames, my mind pained with desire for Bram. Edward sat by my side, not speaking, but at least not making me have to suffer alone. That was my one solace; I wouldn't have to do this alone.