Jacob - PTSD- Chapter 13
I felt terrible and self conscious in the doctor's study. True he had treated me several times before, but this was the very worst reason of all. My face felt hot, and I felt tears under the surface. I struggled to hold them back. Edward had talked me into this, saying it really was for the best after everything. Before waiting in here, Carlisle asked me to pee in a cup. I couldn't believe I was getting STD checked.
It made me want to throw up. I wished Ness could be here to hold my hand. He knocked and Carlisle came in.
"Hi Jake," he said in a warm friendly voice. I could tell he was trying to soothe me.
"Hey doc," I managed, wanting to vomit even more.
"I know we talked a little about this and I've spoken to Edward more. I just want to make sure you're okay, then we can talk, alright?" He asked kindly. I nodded, and again, felt pressure behind my eyes. He pulled a small table forward "I'll need you to take your shorts off, and sit up here okay?" he said gently. The table had paper on it, like a real doctor's office. I hesitated. I wanted to die. He nodded comfortingly, then I pulled them down and sat on the table and shut my eyes. He touched my chest first, making sure I didn't have any broken ribs. Then he touched my legs gently, positioning me. I gulped, hating it, feeling exposed.
I felt slight pressure on my parts and I gripped my hands into fists. He checked everything in under a minute, and it barely hurt. I just felt so sore. He checked the muscles in my legs as well, also very sore. I cringed.
"Okay, the hardest part is over," he said gently. I blinked, and realized with shock that I was crying. I didn't even know why. I gasped quietly and he gave me a tissue.
"It's normal, it's okay," he said gently, pulling me down and pulling my shorts on for me almost instantly. I sat down in a chair and dabbed my eyes, hating myself for going to pieces so early, or at all. "It's PTSD Jake. Being touched by anyone right now, Including Ness, may trigger it. You've gone through psychological trauma. It's very serious, and should be considered like any other wound. It takes time to heal. I'm really sorry I had to touch you right now," I couldn't speak, because my eyes kept watering. "Don't be ashamed, we love you and understand. Ness especially will understand you need time before you can be intimate again," he said.
"What can I do?" I asked in a shaky voice, willing my eyes to stop.
"Really, just don't think about sex. Do other things that make you happy. Find ways of being happy that don't involve sex. You can't put pressure on yourself to be okay with it. It will return to you when time heals you, and it feels right again. You can't be intimate if you're worried or feel like you're required. Also, I think you might need talk therapy. I'm qualified if you would like." He offered kindly.
"I'll t..think about it," I managed, a little catch in my voice.
"Other than that, everything feels in order, maybe just a tad bit sore?" He asked and I nodded, looking down.
"That should clear up immediately, I just want you to rest. Take it easy, nothing too stressful," he said. "The STD test was negative, I checked it quickly before I came in," he also said. Then he extended his hand. I looked up and I shook it, still feeling like an emotional mess.
"I can't handle these mood swings…" I managed, voice still unsteady.
"Try resting. If you don't feel better we'll talk about something for anxiety, okay?" He said kindly but patiently. "And Jake, you didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault," he said, needling the dam of more tears I was trying to hold back. I could barely do it.
"Ness won't blame you for this. She won't be unhappy with you," he said, gently squeezing my shoulder. I was losing my grip on the dam.
"B...but I knew beforehand and choose to go anyway…" I managed before hiccuping and breaking down into more substantial tears. Dam broken. I wanted to run away..
"You didn't know for sure, but even though you were right, you went to protect her, right? It was a self sacrifice," he said. I held my head in my hands leaning forward, giving in to the sobs that had been trying to take over. There was a knock.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I just asked Edward to get Bella, I wanted you to have a friend," he said apologetically. I realized he called out to Edward in his thoughts. I looked up and Bella was there. I gasped slightly, trembling, and she sat next to me and reached for me.
"Jake," she said, in her classic Bella comfort tone. I reached forward to let her hug me automatically. She held me tightly as I cried guilty tears into her stone shoulder. "It's okay Jake, it's going to be okay," she crooned gently, stroking my back. For a stone, her arms ended up being very comforting. My best friend. I tried to focus on breathing as she shhhed me gently. I wondered if she knew.
"Do you know?" I managed, more tears racing down my face. She nodded gently into my shoulder.
"I know, and it's going to be okay honey," she said comfortingly stroking my hair. I gasped. I was relieved she knew that I didn't have to tell someone right now. "I'm sorry I wasn't in here for you, I would have been," she said. She held onto me stroking my hair and back, whispering comforting things. "You'll feel better, it's over now. No one can hurt you," she crooned several times, squeezing my waist gently in the hug. "No one can hurt you," she said softly. "I love you," she said kissing my temple. I managed to get slightly composed and pulled away. She let me, switching to holding my hand.
"I don't know how to tell Ness. I feel like it will kill me," I admitted in a shaky voice.
"This isn't a confession of something you did wrong, sweetheart. It's explaining an attack on you, and what happened," she said, wiping tears off my cheek.
"I still cannot even stomach it…" I admitted.
"Do you want me to be there?" She said holding my hand in two of hers. I shivered at the cold contact. I thought about it.
"Maybe. I'll let you know," I said, feeling just a little bit less sick, from her support.
"When it's right for you bring it up. It's okay if you want to wait a little bit Jake," she said stroking my arm. Under her calm comforting manner I could sense the hell in her mind, knowing this happened to me. I knew she wanted to talk to me openly about it as well. I couldn't yet.
"Thanks Bella, and I know you want to know more. The truth is, I just can't right now. But we'll talk," I said. She nodded and hugged me gently again.
"I'm just so sorry Jake, I love you," she said and her voice broke into a vampire sob, losing composer slightly. I hugged her back.
"Thanks Bells. I love you too," I returned. She pulled away looking more composed.
"Edward was talking about maybe having a soccer scrimmage, would you like to go?" she asked, gently dabbing all the remaining tears off my face. It sounded like a good way to be distracted. I nodded.
She stood up. "Let's you and me go for a walk first alright?'' she said, smiling. She was trying to let me get composed. I stood up and turned to Carlisle who was patiently reading at his desk, trying to give me some privacy.
"Thanks doc," I said. He smiled and looked up, but his eyes told me this hurt him too. I know I never cried in front of any of them.
"Come back if you need anything Jacob," he said, and we left the office.
Edward was waiting in the hall looking tense. He came over when we walked out. I looked at him and he walked over and pulled me into a hug.
"I'm so sorry," he said in a pained tone. "I'm sorry," he repeated. I hugged him back.
"Thank you," I said disengaging. I felt my eyes pricking again, and I wanted to hold the dam back again. And he read the thoughts and led us away, talking about the teams.
… The following week…
"Thanks for coming, I just wanted to bring you out here," Edward said as we paced deeper in the woods. I nodded, and stopped in wolf form.
What's up? I asked. Edward looked burdened.
"I've been monitoring your thoughts. I'm worried. You're really suffering from this PTSD, but you aren't seeking talk therapy. I think it would help. It's like it's eating you on the inside," he said carefully. I sighed and ran through the terrible thoughts. A confirmation.
"Jake, I'd feel the same if it happened it me. Keeping it from Bella, the guilt, it's so heavy and hard. I just want to help you, I just want the torment to end." He said gently, sitting on a log. I sat too, not knowing where this was going. Dreading it. "I'm sorry, I really am. There's a purpose for this," he said. I looked at him, worried.
"At this point do you trust me? I care for you like my brother," he said. I took a moment. Then nodded. It was true. Our relationship was strong. "Could you talk to me? I know you can't with the others. I know Rosalie would help but you don't want to," he said. I shrugged. All true. "Truth is Jake, the only way to heal is to unload. Not just tell us minimal details. You can tell me the story. I'll listen." He said. I was right, it was really bad. I felt my stomach churn. I stood and walked away a few feet. "I just wanted to help you, I can take the details. I'll keep it to myself. I'll be able to withstand anything" he said.
I can't get through it. It's too hard. I managed in thought. I avoid it at all costs. My heart began racing, and I hoped I wouldn't get another anxiety attack, something that frequently happened now.
"But that's why you aren't healing. You're bottling. You can't go on this way. You'll snap. Maybe at Ness," he said. I flinched. "You can yell at me. You can do anything you want. I promise I won't be offended. Anything you want is okay. You gave yourself up to save my daughter and wife. My parents. I owe you my life," he said. I closed my eyes, trying not to throw up as the churning got worse.
"You can if you want," he said. I didn't want to. I sat again in silence. He joined me in the silence. I explored the idea. Was he right? Was this the only way out? I couldn't tell an outside person about half vampires and therapy didn't help if you lied. Who else could I talk to? It was easier thinking than speaking also. And I knew Simon could hear thoughts but I didn't know Simon as long. Plus it would really disturb him. I sighed.
I'm not sure if I can do it. I admitted. Then I saw one of the girls bending over me in my head, asking me to hold still and shut it out violently.
"Whatever you can do is better than nothing," he said quietly, but his eyes were a bit scared from the flash of that memory. "My night is free," he added. I braced myself. How? How could I start. "I could ask you questions," he suggested. Maybe it was the best we could do. I waited. Then hung my head and tried to do it. Edward gave me full attention.
"How did it start?" He asked. I sighed and prayed for strength to do this. Okay. I said mentally and heavily.
It started with them telling me what I had to do. Vivid memories joined my internal dialogue. I pushed back but they threatened Ness. I tried to suggest sperm donation but they said no. They assured me they would kill her if I didn't do this. Especially if it wasn't successful sex. I couldn't speak. I was too numb. I couldn't think. They brought me to a dungeon. And it had, like beds and stuff and I threw up in a corner. I couldn't wait in there alone. Pacing. Freaking out. I didn't phase though because I didn't think I could phase back under the strain. Then vampires came in and so did the half vampire. I couldn't tell if she was beautiful. I was just trying to stay sane and not throw up again. She approached me and she was really young. It upset me. But she didn't seem mean. They expected me to just get busy with an audience. Eventually I had to say they had to get lost. So they stood outside the door. Then I was supposed to do it, and all I could do was stare, and think about Ness. She took her clothes off and it didn't even phase me. It was like I was there in body.
It was easier to keep going once I started. But I couldn't look at Edward. He didn't interrupt.
So she started taking off my clothes and I sort of panicked. She waited for me to calm down then took my remaining clothes off and pushed me on the bed and it was like my mind was frozen. I mean, I wasn't ready to have sex. She offered to try to excite me and I said no. Then tried to wake myself up, I thought awkwardly. But he said he could stand it all.
So then she pushed me down again on my back and I closed my eyes and she had sex with me. It felt… terrible. Foreign. It wasn't Ness and it made me feel sick. But I had to perform so I imagined it was her the best I could and I managed to get it to work. I could barely feel it though. It was really just a bad experience.
Then she left and they locked me in and I just laid there like a dead body. Stunned and feeling like I cheated on Ness. If I could orgasm with another woman, did that mean I loved her less? And I felt my eyes tear and spill over as the feeling returned with the memory. I cried myself to sleep that night, feeling so guilty and dirty and hating myself…
And I couldn't help it, the memory made me cry again. I had to stop. I gasped and Edward was there. He put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed. He didn't say anything. It was silent comfort. The only sound was my wolf cries.
"Are you okay with telling me more?" He asked after a few painful minutes. I got my breathing under control and nodded, wanting to get it over with.
So the next day it was the same woman. I guess they wanted to increase the chance of success. She tried to be nice to me, but no matter which way you look at it, she raped me. Or perhaps she was being raped too. Forced against her will like me. It was hard to feel pleasure. I almost couldn't do it. Thinking of Ness is all I could do.
Sickeningly, they sent someone new that same night. I felt disgusted. She was different. She demanded I be more involved. I didn't want to, but she threatened to get the other vampires. It was easier to lie there and take it like the first and second time. Not actively have to do it to them. She wanted actual sex. To feel good too. And I was required to go along. It made me feel much worse because it felt more intimate and less like a job. I learned I'm good at it apparently. I said feeling sick.
It went on like this. I felt myself becoming a zombie. I just did it. Going through the motions. No emotions involved. Some of them were mean and tried to hurt me, treat me like a prisoner. Some of them were sweet and I felt bad for them. The worst part was that sometimes in the fray of different women, I wanted to feel pleasure. To distract from the emotional and physical pain. I mean I never got all the way into it or looked forward to it or anything like that. But sometimes I felt relief and this caused me the most painful guilt of all. It was terrible. I wanted to die. Literally die. And I was crying again and I didn't think I could say anything more. I buried my face in my paws. I felt like a terrible person and boyfriend. That I didn't deserve Ness or to be in this family. I felt like running away, to suffer alone forever. But I also felt like my body was like an anchor, like I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. Or care about anything except Ness. But thinking about her also forced me to think of this and it was hell. Edward sat next to me as I suffered. I managed to push the thoughts on, to get the torture over with as tears ran.
When Ness and I were finally reunited, I threw up before she could see me. I felt the most terrible guilt in the world. I felt like if she looked at me, she would know all my sins. Even now, I'm so fucked up. When she touches me I struggle not to flinch. I can't handle contact well. When she kisses me, she can feel I'm reluctant. I can barely look at myself naked. I can't be intimate with her. And I love her and don't want her to think she did anything wrong. But I'm broken and I think it might be forever Edward. I was sobbing now. How can she be with me without intimacy. Won't I lose her in time? I can't bear anything. I can't...I cried and phased to human form, feeling myself almost hyperventilating. And fell to my knees. I felt carved out; hollow. Like I would never feel happy again. And my sins were finally known by another. Edward...Edward...I want to die. Please. I thought helplessly, images of the woman and myself having sex with them nearly making me insane. I tried to turn it off.
"I'm here Jake, I'm here," he said softly. He pulled me up and hugged me, his arms felt like cold stones. "I'm so sorry, that's horrific, it's so wrong," he said, and there was a tremble in his voice. It really hurt him to hear these things. "I'm sorry, we can't let you die. You're in this family. We love you. We won't let you lose yourself," he promised. "I promise I'll protect you from yourself," he said patting my back. "It isn't your fault. You didn't betray anyone. This is the source of your pain; I can tell. It's less the actual sex and more so this feeling of blame," I rested my face on his shoulder. "Why do you blame you Jake?" He asked pulling away. My face was still streaming.
"Because I agreed to go knowing what would happen," I said.
"You did it to save her," he countered.
"It doesn't matter, I should have come clean and let her convince me to run," I moaned.
"But you likely would have died," he said looking into my eyes.
I shook my head.
"Jake, it's not your fault," he said. I nodded in agreement, but didn't take it in.
"Jake," he said shaking me gently, "It isn't your fault," he said again. I stared at him.
"Okay," I said aloud, sniffing.
"No." He said softly, eyes grave. "Jake, it isn't your fault," he said again. My throat felt hot.
"I know," I said, confused.
"No Jake listen to me… Listen.." he said urgently. "It. Is. Not. Your. Fault." I didn't understand what he was doing. "Say it," he said solemnly. I stared.
"Okay, it's not my fault," I said feeling tired and miserable, face burning from the crying.
"Jake," he said looking at me and finally holding my gaze in a more serious way. My throat felt tight and I felt really vulnerable under his gaze. I felt like I was finally pinned down by that look and couldn't hide anymore. From him or myself. "I've known you a long time Jake. And you would never hurt my daughter on purpose. It is not your fault," he assured me in an aching voice. And something in me seemed to break in that moment. And I started crying again. Overwhelmed by this truth I couldn't accept. That it wasn't my fault.
"I know. I know. I understand," he said holding on to my shoulder. "It's hard forgiving yourself. But Jake, you need to. It's absolutely not your fault. We know that and we love you," he said and I held my face in my hands.
He hugged me and I dropped my hold on my face. "It's okay. It's over now. It's not your fault," he assured me. "You're safe. It's over. It isn't your fault brother," he said and for the first time, I allowed myself to try and believe it as cries caught in my throat. "There you go, that's right. You aren't to blame. It's rape. It's evil. It wasn't your choice, they made you," he said grimly. "And the story hurts me. I'm so sorry. You were so brave. Braver than I could have been," he comforted patting my arm as my eyes felt like they would explode with tears. "It's okay Jake. It's okay," he said and we sat there for a while, and he let me cry my eyes out as I fully came to terms with the abuse and what happened.
"Thank you for telling me. I know how hard it was to share. I'm honored you trusted me. It's between us. I won't talk to Bella about it," he promised later when the tears ran dry. I nodded, completely emotionally spent. "Do you feel better," he asked pulling away and looking into my swollen face. I thought about it, and on some level... I did understand, I felt like the burden was less. That I could breathe. That it maybe really wasn't my fault.
"You were right. I feel a bit better, well, not this instant but deep down, it hurts a little less," I said.
"This is what I want you to do. I want you to go home to Billy's and sleep yourself out. Put this from your mind. We can get breakfast in the morning if you want. But your brain needs a rest. I'll tell Ness you're taking a day to feel better; you don't feel that well. Don't worry about anything. Just do whatever you feel like. Take care of you," he said kindly. I wiped my eyes then phased back. "It's going to take time. It needs to heal. You aren't broken and she could never leave you. Don't worry brother. It really is okay now. No more pain," he said standing and touching my shoulder. My throat felt hot at his words. And I nodded.
And it's really not my fault? I thought against my will, sounding like a child. Edward looked pained, and I tell his eyes would tear if they could.
"No. Never. I promise you," he said.
I may need reminding. I thought with a heavy heart.
"Everyday if you need me to."
And Ness?
"It can wait. Tell her that you're upset about Volterra and are adjusting to life back here. You shouldn't tell her until you're ready. But I also think you can't be intimate again until you do..." He said sadly. I nodded, agreeing.
"Maybe talk therapy with Carlisle. Any one of us really. It may make you feel better," he suggested. I would think about it. It was hard.
"Just don't give up. It will get better. You can heal in time Jake. We will help you. Whatever you need, we will make it happen. Even other professionals if you want. It's going to be better someday. When you least expect it. I love you, brother," he said. And the emotion was there again in his voice.
I won't give up. I can't. I love you all too. I thought. I never expected this life, loving my vampire family.
"Why don't we get you to your bed. You need serious rest. Unless you need more time. It's good to get it out physically. It's like extracting poison," he said. And I know he meant if I wanted to cry more I could. I felt like I could but maybe alone in the shower. In solitude. He nodded, understanding.
"But if it gets bad, I'll be there. I don't want you to have to suffer alone," he said. I felt grateful. And followed him tiredly to La Push. Perhaps maybe able to finally rest.