Nightfall

by HarrySavesMe

Six years after the events of Breaking Dawn, Jacob, Renesmee, Bella, and Edward decide to attend Dartmouth College..together! Meanwhile Simon and Bram are also new to Dartmouth, glad to be free, and especially relieved to be together. But paths cross, and with dawning horror, they learn their world isn't as safe or normal as they thought it was. Bella/Edward, Simon/Bram, Jake/Ness

15. Chapter 15: Promises (Simon)

:: This chapter contains sexual content::

Simon- Promises- Chapter 15

In bed, I held out my arms and Bram climbed into them willingly. He had already adjusted to the temperature change. I didn't sleep, but I held Bram every night.

"I think that went okay," said Bram, laying his head on my shoulder and reaching for my neck. I stroked his back, and a shiver ran through him.

"Sure," I said easily, but there was an intensity to the word. Bram stirred and propped up on an elbow.

"Talk to me Si. Please," he said stroking my marble lips. I easily pulled him higher onto my chest and started kissing his hair, his neck, his jaw. I blew on his ear. Bram moaned and kissed my lips urgently, remembering to be careful. I caressed his hair very gently, aware of how breakable he was. Bram pushed the covers off the bed and straddled me, pushing his warm body on me. Bram kissed my chest. I cradled him to me then turned him so I was on top of him and caressed his body. I pressed my own body to him lightly. Bram moaned. "I wish we could... It's hard being limited," he said. It wasn't safe for us to have sex. Most of it was too dangerous. I found ways to pleasure Bram with minimal danger. But Bram could not do the same for me. I didn't really mind. I rested my forehead on Bram's; still easily holding myself over him.

"Bram...this is so hard," I said in a whisper. Bram looked into my eyes. They were brown and expressive. "I love you. I don't want to do anything to hurt you. I don't want to take your life," I said, and my voice twisted with the pain of the emotion.

"Simon," he protested quietly.

"I know. I know you don't want to outgrow me," I said. "But imagine it differently. Could you end my life?" I asked. Bram's eyes looked burdened. "I mean honey," I said, pressing his hand to his chest, where his heart beat. "You're vibrant, full of life. Maybe there's someone you could grow old with, not me. And you aren't giving yourself the chance," I said, voice breaking. It killed me to say this, because I didn't want to live without him, but I wasn't so selfish as to not suggest it.

"No... No I don't want anyone else. I want to be with you and you only." He said. I wanted so much to hear these words, but I felt so selfish at the same time.

"How can I...bite you and watch you burn for three days," I moaned and kissed his forehead.

"I held you when you burned. That's all I want," he countered. I lowered myself so we were lying next to each other. I felt my eyes prick, but stay dry and my breathing hitch. Bram looked agonized. He hugged me tightly.

"Don't Si, it's okay," he comforted, his voice changing to a gentle tone.

"It's not okay," I moaned, voice catching. "I love you, I don't want you to change for me," I managed.

"Shhh, it's okay...shhh," Bram said stroking my hair. I craved his loving touch, and leaned into his hand. He stroked under my eye with his thumb where tears would be if I was still human.

"Please Bram, don't do it. Please...," I begged. Now Bram's eyes filled with tears.

"Don't you want me Simon? We won't be able to stay together," he said voice pained.

I hugged him back so he wouldn't start crying, pulling him tight against my chest. "Of course I do. I just hate the sacrifices. Oh Bram," I moaned, and cradled him. My soft, warm, breakable, human boyfriend. Then we got lost in kissing again, desperate and emotionally charged. However before it could progress, I gently pulled away from Bram and pulled him down to sleep again.

"It's going to be fine. Whatever happens." I whispered to him, trying to soothe him, and kissed his hair. "Go to sleep honey," I said. Bram was exhausted, and fell asleep quickly in my arms.

...

The next day I went hunting with Edward at my request. He was my favorite hunting companion because we could telecommunicate. Very easy.

I'm struggling. I thought.

Yeah, I know exactly the worry of this. I felt it for a year before Bella changed. In fact, I feared it so much, I left for 6 months. But she never got over me and I couldn't function without her. So we got back together, and eventually she convinced me to change her, after we got married.

I couldn't leave Bram. I wouldn't be able to function. I thought, cringing.

I know. It's what it is. Are you going to go along with this? He asked mentally as he closed in on a deer.

It's what he wants. I can't choose his life for him. He's thought about it for a while, and he can't be persuaded away. I mean... It's selfish but I want him to be immortal. So I don't have to lose him. But he's so perfect. His heartbeat, his changing body, his ability to blush, and sleep. His eyes. I don't like losing that. It's painful imagining it.

It was the same for me. I loved everything about Bella, but here's the thing, so much if her translated to her new self that it wasn't so hard. And I got so much more. The intimacy I get is unbelievable. It was dangerous when she was human. I had to fight to always be careful.

I'm careful now. Bram is so breakable. Oh man... It's also the venom, I don't want the pain of that for him.

I had Bella on morphine and it seemed to spare her, maybe we can try it? He offered.

Yeah, this really is still happening I guess. I thought, heavily.

Well, eventually, I realized it was what she really wanted. And if I stood in the way, it risked us. Plus she's so happy now. It was the right choice for her. He thought. I don't regret it. I took my deer next.

Alright. I guess I'll do my best. You said we'll knock Bram out, right? Then what?

I suggest we collect your venom and put it in a syringe. It's difficult to stop when you taste blood.

Ugh, alright. I thought miserably, not liking this mental picture.

Don't worry Simon, it's going to work out. Take it from me. He assured me as we headed back.

...

That night I sat with Bella and Alice at the big house. Bram, Emmett, Jake, and Jasper were playing soccer.

"Edward told me you don't remember the burning process because of morphine. I said. We're going to try that," I said. Bella looked really guilty and Alice stared at her, confused.

"Okay. I have a confession to make. The morphine didn't work. It just pinned me down and gagged my body as I burned, I was able to stay quiet through the pain somehow," she said. Alice looked shocked

"Edward is not going to like this," she said, still looking staggered.

"I can't help it. We can't leave Bram gagged and pinned," she said. "But let's hold off on telling him for now," she continued, looking worried.

"I don't want to cause Bram pain for three days," I moaned.

"There's no help for it. But then a lifetime stretches out before you," said Alice.

"I'm not sure when we should be leaving to do this,'' I confessed.

"Whenever, but if Ness gets pregnant, she will have to come back here," Bella said.

It made sense because Carlisle was here.

"I should go see Bram again," I said, feeling low.

"Simon, it's going to be fine. I can see the future on this because you're so clear to me now. I caught a glimpse of you and Bram smiling, and he was a vampire," Alice said and she showed the memory to me through my thoughts. I gazed at it mesmerised. He looked... Really happy. We both did. It gave me a little bit more hope, and I felt a little warmer. I stood and headed out, smiling slightly to myself.

... A Week later

We decided to leave to arrive on the weekend. Everything was packed and loaded in the cars. Eventually, we determined that half of us were going; Edward, Bella, Jake, Ness, Alice, and Jasper. Alice and Jasper were especially needed for their gifts, and Jasper's knowledge of newborns. Bram was excited but nervous also. I was just nervous. We left in the morning for the plane; the other vampires lived in the far north of Alaska. It was very secluded from people; a perfect environment. The cold didn't bother our kind. The plane ride wasn't so long, it seemed to speed by, and then we took cars from the airport to complete the rest of the journey.

"Are you okay Si?" Bram asked quietly in the backseat, not exactly aware that all the vampires could hear. I felt bad that he was worried about me when he only had a few hours left before he was in agony.

"I mean, yes if you are," I said, taking his hand and squeezing it.

His heartbeat was increased faster than normal. "Just slightly nervous." I knew it was more than slightly, but Bram was brave.

"It's okay. I know. It's almost over," I comforted, and stroked his arm, feeling like hell inside. Edward shot me a sympathetic look in the rear view mirror. He was currently very upset about finding out that Bella remembered her transformation. Nothing to be done about that. But he felt terrible guilt. It was years ago, and she was happy now. But yeah, it is unfortunate when secrets were kept like that.

I hugged Bram close and he settled down to doze. Good. I wanted him to get rest. When he was clearly out, I looked over at Edward.

"How are you going to proceed with this?" I asked quietly. The atmosphere in the car felt tense.

"Bella's transformation was very fast due to the fact that I injected venom straight into her heart; like they do with adrenaline. That's why I asked you to collect your venom." I cringed. And thought about how much Bram was afraid of needles.

"It's okay, I was going to put him under for a few minutes. Not like the morphine, trust me. That way nothing needs to scare him on top of this," he said reassuringly.

"Okay, great. Thank you," I said, relieved, then kissed Bram's forehead.

When we arrived and parked, we were greeted warmly. The head of the family, Tanya, was pleased that we we're visiting, and hugged all of us. Two vampires that were introduced to me as Kate and Garrett, were there holding hands. There were also two more vampires named Carmen and Eleazar. They nodded to me.

"It's so nice to meet you, we consider ourselves extended family," Tanya said.

"Thank you, I'm newly adopted. And this," I said lifting a sleeping Bram from the car, " Is my boyfriend, Bram." No one showed any signs of surprise or negativity. It was nice.

"I'm sure when he wakes it will be delightful to speak with him," Carmen said. She looked touched by us.

"We know why you're here, and we assure you that this is a safe place," Tanya said, leading us in. Everyone followed and I hugged Bram tighter to me as I carried him in. We were shown into a room that was spacious and contained a couch. I set Bram down gently.

"There's another room here too. I suggest the rest of us do some hunting," she said. Probably a good idea. They needed to be in peak form. I wasn't going. I wouldn't be away from Bram until he was transformed. Edward read in my thoughts I wanted a few minutes alone with Bram. He nodded, and started rifling through the bags we brought. In the room given to us, I laid him gently on the bed with a soft pillow under his head. I sat in a chair beside him and held his hand. Bram stirred. He opened his eyes and looked over. I looked at him, a bit miserably. I wished he didn't have to do this. I wished I was human.

Bram smiled and squeezed my hand. "It's okay. I know. It's almost over," he said, repeating what I said. I climbed in next to him, and kissed him urgently; feeling his body lightly under my fingertips. I felt his warm smooth skin, his increased heartbeat.

"Bram... So beautiful..." I moaned kissing his jaw.

"Simon, you should see you. You are heart stoppingly beautiful," he said pulling his fingers through my hair, gently, sending a chill through me. "You've always been," he added, laughing against my shoulder.

"I love you," I said, and it was pained. These were my final moments with him as a human. His life was about to end.

"Honey..." Bram said, voice gentle. He pulled me over to rest his head on my forehead. "Sweetheart, it's okay," he comforted me, and stroked my face. I took a pained breath and held it. It wasn't fair that he was worried about me. I didn't want to have a breakdown. I wanted to comfort him. "We need to stop stalling. We need to push on," Bram said pulling my lips up to his and kissing me gently, like a whisper. I kissed him back, like my life depended on it.

I pulled away. "I'll be here the whole time," I assured him, knowing he was about to be acutely afraid.

"I know, thanks Si," he said gently. "Now go get Edward," he said and I nodded, stomach dropping. "And Si, I love you too," Bram said, smiling in love. I opened the door and Edward was there with a bag. Good. It hid whatever we were using.

He moved over to Bram. "Hey Bram. So I'll be here too to help as much as I can. Alice and I will try and give you time estimates," he said. Bram nodded to him, going pale but not showing the anxiety in any other way. I ached for him. "I'd like to put you under for a few minutes while we administer the venom, if that's okay with you," Edward said politely. Bram looked at me and I nodded.

"Yeah, that's probably for the best," he said lying down as comfortable as he could. The action made my heart twist. He was lying down on his pyre. I tried to keep the anguish off my face.

"It's not like morphine that pins you down. Don't worry. We won't do that," he said patting his shoulder. Bram nodded. And I could tell he could no longer speak; he was tense in anticipation. I took his hand and held it in both of mine.

I kneeled down next to the bed. "Bram, baby, this is the last call on this. You don't have to do this to be with me. I promise you it's okay to stay human," I said, kissing his hand, his elbow bent so I could hold his hand to my marble face. It was my final bid. Bram looked at me with puppy dog chocolate eyes, and I thought of that first time in his car. Our first kiss. The rain. My throat felt tight. I memorized exactly how his eyes looked. They soon would change. They were so beautiful.

"I do want to," he said, and there was no trace of hesitation in those eyes. I leaned forward and kissed him gently. Then pulled away and held his hand. "I love you," I told him, and he mouthed it back to me.

Edward held a mask over his face as Bram closed his eyes. He didn't tell him to count back, thankfully. Bram fell asleep.

"Simon, if you don't want to see this, you can step out," Edward said, opening Bram's shirt.

I wanted to, but wanted to stay more. I shook my head, and held his hand to my lips. Edward nodded and used small injections on the inside Bram's elbows. He lay there unphased. Then he did his neck. He took his pants off and gave him one in each leg. "The more in his system, the faster this goes. Bella was burning only 2 days," he said calmly, probing his chest for the spot above his heart. Then he gently lowered a needle, similar to an adrenaline needle, through his chest and pushed the plunger down. I cringed. "Simon, I didn't hurt him. He will be awake in a few minutes. His heart will act normally," he assured me, removing the needle. He picked up a different mask.

"What's that?" I asked.

"What you know as laughing gas," Edward said giving it to him.

"Will that reduce the pain?" I asked squeezing his hand.

"No, but it reduces anxiety, let's people relax. It might be helpful, but we don't know," Edward said. I nodded. Bram started twitching. He knew he could begin to feel it.

"I don't want to force him to stay asleep," I said anxiously, and I imagined being pinned down and gagged while burning.

"It's okay, he will wake up in about 5 minutes. Do you want to be alone with him?" He asked kindly.

"Yes, thanks. I'll ask if I need," I said and smiled gratefully at him.

"Everything comes to an end. Remember that," Edward said kindly, then left, taking everything with him. I pulled a sheet over him so he didn't have to feel bad about being almost naked. I stroked his arm and Bram opened his eyes. I tried to say something but Bram couldn't really hear me or concentrate, it seemed. He thrashed weakly. I let him go. Then he started yelling, agonized sounds of pain. I tried to say something to him again, anything, and he just didn't respond. I sat helpless as he screamed and writhed. I cried dry vampire tears, and my breath hitched as I watched. I couldn't handle seeing him this way. The screams got worse and I tried to take his hand, but he wasn't holding still. I pitched my voice a little louder.

"Bram I'm here. You're not alone. I'm so sorry, I love you. I'm here," I repeated, my voice rough from sobbing. I thought Bram may have heard me. His voice sounded more raw in time. I said sorry after every scream. Eventually the screams broke off; his voice gave out. He shook and moaned.

"Bram, oh God... Bram, honey," I moaned, voice thick. He turned his head to look at me, and his eyes cracked open.

"Simon," he moaned in recognition, peering at me through a haze of pain. I gasped in relief, and pulled myself up into the bed. I lay next to him, and pulled him gently into my arms.

"I'm here baby, I've got you," I said gently, kissing his hair, holding him close.

"Simon?" He asked again, voice choked up. I kissed his mouth gently.

"I'm here honey, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," I moaned, and dabbed away tears that suddenly cut down Bram's face.

"Make it stop," he begged, voice hitching as he kept crying. I felt like my heart had been removed with a spoon. I looked back helplessly, my eyes pricking again. "It hurts... It burns...no...Simon" he gasped. I cradled him and stroked his face.

"I'm here honey, I know. I know," is all I could say back, my own voice catching with sobs. "I'm so sorry... So sorry. I love you sweetheart," I whispered, kissing his forehead. I held him as Bram cried himself out, and murmured comforting words to him quietly. I stroked his hair and arm and chest in a comforting rhythm, and dabbed the tears away. I wished I could trade places with him. I remembered, with terrible accuracy, what it felt like to burn. I played it in my own head, cringing. Not wanting Bram to experience it alone. The fire was so painful; every blistering tongue. Bram eventually lost lucidity as I did before, moaning and cringing; completely lost in the burning. There was a knock and Edward came in. Edward looked pained, reading the replay of the burning I was doing.

"It's been hours, I thought you might like a break Simon, just a few minutes on your own. I'll watch over him," he said gently, coming closer. I held Bram tightly in my arms, completely wound around him.

"I don't know," I moaned and wondered if Bram would get upset.

"I'll call you if he wants you. I promise," Edward said sitting in the chair.

I looked at Bram and dabbed his clammy forehead before kissing it. "I'll be back honey. Right back. You aren't alone. Edward is here," I said quietly. I didn't know if he could hear me. I rested him back down. Bram didn't reply. I moved to the door feeling raw and mentally exhausted. Edward nodded to me, and I stepped out. Ness and Bella were there, and they looked anxious.

"Oh Simon," Ness said touching my cheek. Then they sat with me on the couch, sitting on either side. Ness hugged me while Bella held my hand. Jake sat in a close armchair looking concerned.

"I'm so sorry Simon, I'm so sorry," Ness said, then kissed my shoulder. I nodded miserably, emotionally exhausted. Their thoughts were loving. Jake felt really bad. I picked up his compassion in his thoughts.

"Thank you Jake," I said quietly. Jake didn't know for what, but nodded. He must have realized that it was probably a mind reading thing. My eyes pricked and burned again dryly.

Alice came over. "I'm so sorry Simon," she said heavily. "There's good news, Bram is getting clearer. I can see him better," she said and I saw it in her mind. I nodded comforted, but still burdened.

"I know we can't sleep," Bella said, squeezing my hand. "But I learned that disconnecting your mind and letting it zone out is the closest thing to it. I do it sometimes," she said, thinking about it. I regarded it mentally, then he tried it, leaning my head back on the couch. It was soothing, sinking into a stupor. I closed my eyes. They let me, and fell silent. She was right, it was the closest thing to sleeping. About an hour later I heard name. I roused myself and stood up. Bram said it.

"Thanks guys," I said, then returned to the room.

"It's okay, Simon's right here. Like I told you. He's here," Edward said comfortingly.

I got to the bed and reached for him as Bram reached for me, and clutched my arms. I quickly slid up next to him and cradled him to my chest. Edward quietly left the room.

"I'm here baby, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I was away for a little while. I'm here," I said and kissed Bram's exhausted eyelids. I dabbed away his tears gently with the sheet.

"Simon," he moaned. "I love you Simon," he whispered.

"Oh honey, I love you so so much," I said and I felt my heart break. Then I buried my face in his sweet smelling hair. Bram held on to me, and I felt like I had everything in the world right there in my arms.

I sang Elliot Smith to him gently. Bram relaxed only slightly, and still was .obviously in agony. "I love you Abraham Louis Greenfield... blue," I said and stroked his chest.

...

We were finally reaching the final hours of Bram's transformation, and I was itching for it to be over as soon as possible. It was really hard, that last half an hour, because it was the worst pain so far, and I had trouble being in the room with him. I knew the others were really upset by it as well. All I did was hug him close and repeat that I loved him because I didn't know what else to do. He was past the point of being able to cry anymore, because he basically left behind his human life. His skin was a beautiful pearly tan, his eyes, an orange sunrise, and his breath smelled so sweet. His scent was so unique, I couldn't describe it, but I knew I'd always want to smell it for as long as I was alive, and it turned out that that would be a very long time. For the first time in this whole process, I let myself be excited by the fact that I never had to live without Bram ever again, and Edward had told me that once vampires made a big decision, it was very difficult for them to ever change. We had decided to be in love, and it didn't seem like that would ever change. We had been on this path from the beginning of our vampire lives. Also, the very best news of all, was that no vampire government was going to come in and ruin our family or the future. It was interesting listening to Alice's visions for the past week about different vampires who had attempted coups to seize control of the open spot for vampire government. It seemed like the French were going to win, but then at the last minute the British took over, and it was like the British Monarchy all over again. I didn't mind, because apparently they seemed determined to leave most vampires alone, and they would only deal with situations of vampires making extreme spectacles of themselves, according to Alice. She was really attuned to them for some reason, probably because she was putting most of her efforts into seeing the future. She didn't foresee any issue with us at all, because no one knew who stopped the Volturi. It was a huge mystery, especially the part how we never claimed the government after we defeated them. We just disappeared into the night. The new British government didn't have vampires with gifts the way the Volturi had, so they didn't have any trackers anyway; not that they had any trail to follow. Everything had burned to the ground, and it made me feel a great delight that our family never had to live in fear again, as long as we kept our anonymity.

My poor Bram broke my heart, with his writhing and muffled screams. In the final few minutes, everyone had assembled, ready for newborn Bram. According to Edward, he still couldn't read his thoughts and I knew that I couldn't read them either. This was a great disability for us, because we couldn't tell how out-of-control he was going to be. Jake had insisted on keeping Ness and himself away until we were sure how safe he was, and I had to admit I was concerned, because the odds of Bella, myself, and Bram all having a peaceful transformation didn't really seem possible after what Edward told me about other vampires.

When Bram finally had his final heartbeat, and a moment later opened his blood red eyes for the first time, I was eager for myself to be the first thing he saw. He did see me, but it was difficult to see him in his expression. It didn't seem like he had a strong sense of recognition. He was there, but he was new, and I knew in that moment, it would take some time for Bram and I to truly reunite. He flipped off the bed away from me and a snarl ripped from his throat. I knew he was acting as a true newborn vampire from the way that they had always described them to me. Edward yanked me back away from him and he and Jasper formed the front line in front of us. Alice could still see his future and she muttered that he wasn't an immediate danger, but that it was exceptionally important to get him to hunt before he became so.

Jasper moved forward and Edward copied him and they slowly backed him out of the room, and out the door into the snow. I didn't know if I was supposed to follow, because I was the strongest newborn other than Bram, and they probably needed me. I reached out mentally to Edward and he communicated with me to continue with them, only I needed to stay behind them slightly. Alice came as well. Bella decided to hang back with Ness and Jake, who were farther away in the house with Tanya's family, which I thought was a good idea. She wasn't the strongest fighter and I didn't want anyone to be in danger.

Ness was possibly pregnant which was really exciting. A new baby in the family certainly would make things interesting. This was another likely reason Bella wanted to stay with her daughter. Jake seemed really peaceful with the idea of being a father, like it would make him very happy after so much suffering. I still couldn't believe what happened. While Bram was burning but wasn't lucid, and I was needing a little bit of distraction from his pain, Jake came to sit with me and decided to talk to me quietly about what happened to him. I knew why he had held back before though. It was too big to handle on his own, let alone share with many people. But I overheard his thoughts back at home, and it wasn't something I had tried to do on purpose. The images really haunted me. But, the truth was out there, and he wanted to talk to me instead of ignore it. He told me that the Volturi wanted to make a new generation of werewolves, and they did this instead of kidnapping his existing werewolf family, which he never would have permitted. Also, the Volturi made it perfectly clear that they would take it out on Ness if he didn't cooperate, and that he was required to have sex with half vampires, similar to her. Ultimately, his guilt of going through with this the worst kind of torture he experienced. He didn't go into details though, and I was grateful, because I didn't think I could handle any more images. That first accidental time was overwhelmingly disturbing. In fact, when we had that conversation, I decided to turn my mind-reading off. I didn't want to see anything. After he stopped talking, and had a grave expression in his eyes, I put my hand on his shoulder and told him that if he ever needed a friend, I would be there for him, and that I was sorry that he had to go through that. He was kind about it, but I could see in his face that the whole situation had really aged him.

He didn't seem to have as much fight in him or as much happiness. He seemed muted overall, and it was so sad, because he had been so full of life when he used to play soccer with Bram or hung out with us at the cafe. I hoped that when Bram became a vampire and became an equal athletic opponent, he would play soccer with him again and maybe cheer him up. It was rough overall, and I never imagined he would make such a sacrifice for his family. I knew I would for Bram to save him; I would do anything for him. And this is why Jake agreed. Thank god we broke them out after only a week, because it could have gone on for so much longer and been so much worse, not to downplay the suffering that had taken place that week. He probably would have lost himself eventually. So all of us pretty much kept an eye out for him to make sure that he was managing his PTSD, and that he wouldn't sink into depression. Our family was very loving though, and I knew that with all of our help, Jake could possibly make a full recovery. But nothing was for certain, and this type of trauma affected you forever, no matter what. I was honored to be part of such a loving family. In fact, I didn't think I could have gotten through my transformation without their support. Who would have sat with me while I was burning? If I didn't have this family, would I have ever known what was happening? Would I have gone insane and attacked humans? Yes, if no one was there to stop me. This was what was so essential about bringing Bram out here into the unpopulated frozen north. We couldn't afford him being tempted by any form of human being; that's why Ness and Jake kept far away, although when I transformed, Jake smelled extremely unappealing. I wasn't worried about him so much.

We moved Bram into the trees, and I hung back with a heavy feeling in my heart, like someone had disconnected my organs or punched the air out of my lungs, because it was so hard to see Bram, and not see him look at me with love like he had for two years. It was hard not hold his hand or hug him after such a terrible experience, but I knew that this was part of being a new vampire, and that this was the sacrifice we needed to make. The others assured me that this was not permanent, and eventually Bram and I would be happy again together. I just didn't know how long it would take, and that made me feel even worse, but no matter what, whether he was a little bit out of control or not, I would not leave his side. I hoped we could convince him to hunt animals. If his thirst was overwhelming, it seemed like he would feed on them, according to Edward, because he wouldn't be able to withstand the peak of his thirst. More than anyone, Jasper understood this, because he had worked with newborn vampires for many years. When he was younger, he had trained them and he had known their behaviors. He had even killed them when necessary, but everyone assured me that no one would harm Bram. Even if he decided to hunt humans, they would never take him away from me. It was a vampire's choice if they wanted to hunt humans or not. I knew that if I tried to convince him everyday of forever not to do it, he would listen. Even if he made a mistake, which I cringed at, I hoped that we could be strong enough to prevent this. No one was going to hurt Bram. If he acted violently, they would just hang back. I was relieved at this promise, and because it originally came from Carlisle, I knew it was a good promise. Everyone in this family knew that it was impossible to continue on without your mate; it was just too hard to exist. I wouldn't be able to live without him. I had decided this, although I didn't know what waited for us past this immortal life. Would there be a heaven or hell, or would we cease to exist? We could be soulless beings like Edward thought we were, even though it now seemed like he believed it less. It was possible that Bella convinced him otherwise. I didn't know what I thought. All I knew was that Bram was too good a person to go to hell, and it wasn't his fault what was happening right now; it was beyond his control and I would do everything I could to reach him again to help him regain his life.

In the woods, Edward and Jasper began to speak to him. They told him who they were, and even though he didn't straighten from his crouch, he seemed to focus on them slightly. They explained that the pain in his throat was thirst, and that he wouldn't have to wait much longer to feel the relief if he simply went with them to hunt. All he had to do was follow and realize that no one was going to hurt him, even though he had the instinct to defend himself. They even said that I was there, and that I was supporting him. He didn't look away from them to see me, but I didn't think it was possible for him to look away from them in that moment. He was like an animal, and he perceived them as a threat, no matter what they were saying. It could be that he didn't even hear what they were saying, because he was so overwhelmed. They gestured for him to follow and took off after the scent of nearby deer, however I realized that Jasper was hanging back to bring up the rear. I followed after him making sure I didn't get too close to Bram. I didn't want to risk hurting him or have him hurt me, because I knew later it would torment him if he found out he had hurt me. Bram eventually followed Edward, possibly because the instinct to follow was so strong. He moved so fast, and quickly caught up to Edward, running neck-and-neck with him. Edward was the fastest vampire, and now Bram was the strongest vampire, so it made up for the difference. They told me that he was stronger than Emmett and myself at this point. Eventually Edward slowed, and held up his hand, He breathed in significantly, and then he dropped into the same exact crouch next to Bram. He was probably trying to show him that they were part of the same team, or more accurately, coven. When Jasper caught up, he did the same. Bram seemed to understand that he was in this group, at least to some degree. I didn't join and hung back. I actually moved up into a tree to be a little ways away, but I was listening intently. Alice had finally caught up with us because she hung back to talk to Bella about Ness for a moment. She joined me in the tree, and focused on her visions. I eagerly turned on my gift to listen to her visions with her. It looked like Bram had decided to move forward and hunt with them, although it seemed like it could be a concerning situation when he defended his kill. He could get violent. Edward caught the vision as well, and was advised by it. Alice and myself did not appear in the vision, so it seemed like we should continue to hang back safely. Edward wasn't going to be injured either, in fact, he was going to be the voice of reason for Bram to listen to. I heard them spring forward and connect violently with the prey. I moved higher to watch. Bram naturally sunk his teeth into the biggest buck and sucked him dry within moments. However, he snarled in disgust when there wasn't enough blood for him, so Edward tossed another deer to him that he had already killed. He sucked that one dry as well. After two more, which seemed extreme to me, he was able to stop. He crouched on the ground still growling at the others for being too close to him when he hunted. It was so surreal, seeing him as such a cold lethal being. My Bram was so non-lethal, and completely harmless; a Hufflepuff to the end. Now this Bram was incongruous. Edward attempted to speak to him again.

"Bram my brother, you are part of our family, and we would never hurt you. You don't have to defend yourself. Simon is here as well, and he is concerned." Perhaps for the first time, my name truly penetrated his mind. It was probably because thirst was less on his mind.

"Simon?" he repeated, testing out the word, and I could hear confusion but also a sense of recognition. My heart would have throbbed if it was still beating, because it was the first thing he said, and I heard his windchime, albeit, rough new voice for the first time. There was a swooping sensation in my stomach.

"I'm Edward, this is Jasper and Alice is here as well, do you remember?" he asked. After a moment of silence Bram nodded. "Do you think of us as a threat?" he asked. Bram cocked his head to the side.

"I don't know, nothing is clear," he said in his rough voice.

"Do you remember that we don't kill humans?" he asked, pressing him.

"Have I smelled a human yet?" Bram asked, not answering Edward.

"No, and you will not for a while," Edward said. "This is because we cannot risk that you would kill anyone. You asked us to keep you safe from killing anyone. Simon does not kill anyone. None of us kill anyone," he said.

"Kill.." he repeated, testing this word too.

"Yes, kill, because of the scent of blood. Imagine a scent much more potent than that of the deer," he said and Bram sprung forward, obviously overwhelmed by this imagination, and Jasper put up a hand to stop him. Bram skipped back and his snarl ripped up again. As animal-like as he was, he was also glorious. So lithe, graceful, and beautiful. I felt like my heart was in my throat.

"We will prove that we are not a threat," Edward said and he sat down immediately. Jasper copied him and Bram stared at them for a few moments. He took several crawling steps back, and after a full five minutes, he straightened into a standing position, looking like a human being. Could it be that his thoughts were clearing? I listened to Jasper's thoughts. He was reading his emotions and he had registered that Bram had entered a sense of partial reason. Bram seemed to know that he was hunting animals, and part of him disliked this and didn't want to, although he was less aggressive, and struggling to accept this.

"If we stand, will you attack us?" Edward asked. "Recall that we gave you our kills and we did not try to take yours," he continued.

Bram considered and then said, "No, I will not attack. You don't threaten me." He stood back, and leaned against a tree. I took that to be a surrender of aggression. Edward stood and looked back at us in the tree. We decided to swing forward from tree to tree to get closer to them. It was fun to swing like Tarzan sometimes. Running, climbing, and all the other things we could do enthralled me. I wished that Bram and I could hold hands and go running, but that really didn't seem possible. He seemed less feral, though, and calmly listened to our approach.

"That's Simon, remember Simon?" he asked. Bram looked at me, and seemed to take in my scent. Something about it seemed to please him, just the slightest, and I knew that we were still strong mates. I decided to say something, and looked to Alice for confirmation. She had a vision that it wasn't going to upset Bram.

"Bram?" I called out from the woods and he stiffened. Then he seemed to cock his head, listening to the musical tone of my voice. Perhaps he was falling in love with me all over again. I wasn't sure.

Bram looked over at me again, and his expression contorted in unhappiness. I dropped from the tree and stood a good distance from him.

"Simon, am I sane?" he asked in a pained voice.

"I know it's really overwhelming at first, and it doesn't feel like you're you, and you're thinking about a million things. All the scents and all the sounds around you are dizzying. If you focus on one thing, you should be able to feel a little bit better. I know it took me a couple of days to get used to it, but yes. You are sane and and we're finally together again," I said, and my voice was contorted with emotion by the end.

"I sound so strange and my eyesight is so clear. I've never seen anything so clear before," he said.

"I know, it was a relief not having to wear glasses anymore. I've never had eyesight like this," I said relaxing into what was becoming a conversation.

Edward asked him if he wanted to go back to the house to see the other vampires. After deliberating, he agreed. He walked with them and I followed them out with Alice swinging through the trees behind us. Bram didn't walk with me, and something about that stung even though I knew I shouldn't be thinking like that.

Back at the house he seemed to recognize most of us, except he didn't know the Denali clan and so they spent some time introducing each other. He nodded in understanding, but he was wound so tight, and he didn't smile. It made my heart twist, seeing how different he was. Edward looked at me calmly and he reminded me not to be worried about this in a kind mental tone. I nodded.

After a while, they left him be to sit in silence with his thoughts. Jasper always stayed in the room with him, monitoring his emotions, and I read Jasper's mind. I understood that Bram was in a state of calm, however he was getting thirsty again and didn't understand it.

I looked at Edward and asked him with a thought if I could approach him and he didn't quite know. Alice said that she had no vision of an issue when I asked her quietly, and so I moved a little closer and sat in a chair across from him. He didn't look at me. He stared out the window like he was listening intently to a radio station none of us could hear. And literally none of us could, because we couldn't read his mind. I looked at Edward and thought about how I'd like to be left alone, and he said that they would wait outside. Jasper waited right at the door.

"Bram, honey?" I asked him gently and tentatively. He looked at me, and I couldn't tell what his expression was. "Honey, do you remember how we were a couple hours ago?" I asked him. He looked like he thought about it, and I could tell he was sifting through uncomfortable human memories. The memory of him burning was likely very fresh and strong and he cringed. Then his eyes looked like they were a little bit softer, possibly remembering me.

"I love you," I said, taking a chance, and I felt like my throat was tight and hot. "For some strange reason, I wondered if you wouldn't be able to love me back, in this form," I said feeling anxious.

"I love you," he replied to me, but it sounded slightly foreign. As if from underwater; not as clear. But he was trying. My baby was trying.

"Do you want me to sit with you?" I asked him, and he looked uncomfortable and shook his head.

"I'm not sure I'm completely under control," he said. I said okay and tried to hide my disappointment. He stared at me, and I felt like he was looking at me for the first time and perhaps memorizing me. I stared back blankly, overwhelmed by this beautiful, foreign creature.

"Bram, you're so beautiful. Not that you weren't before, but can't believe how much I love you," I told him and it came out sounding a bit messed up.

He smiled slightly and said, "Your hair is golden, so lovely." It wasn't a lot of words, but he was breaking through. It was going to be okay with us, I just needed to give him space which was only fair. He took care of me when I was changing into a new vampire. He gave me space when I needed it. Shouldn't I be able to return the same favor?

"Bram honey, do you want me to leave you alone right now?" I asked him, hoping he would say no.

"I'm not sure, my thoughts are jumbled, and it's hard for me to focus on me and you," he said. "Also the thirst is really hard to balance, I might need to go hunting again," he said. I didn't think we were ready to hunt with each other though. It didn't feel safe enough if he could barely sit here with me. I nodded, got up, and turned to go. I hid my crumpled expression. I already felt so distant from him, and I longed to be in his arms again.

Everyone was waiting on the other side of the door like Edward had said, and I moved away to go sit at the opposite side of the room. I could feel that Edward was worried about me, and I brushed it off. At this point, I didn't want to talk to anyone; only Bram. I felt like this was the closest thing a vampire could be to depressed. Bram was alone with his thoughts all night, so I took out my iPod, put on Elliott Smith, and sat in the chair lifelessly. I didn't know what else to do, and I really didn't want to talk to anyone. Jake and Ness must have gone to another place where they could stay, because they still weren't back. I was grateful because I didn't need Bram to have more stress right now.

I really wanted him, and it felt so terrible. My body wanted to be close to him; I could feel it like an electric current. I tried to shut it down, but it was difficult. It was difficult to be distracted as a vampire. Edward offered to play chess with me or some other game, but I shook my head. I didn't want to do anything at all except listen to my music and also listen to Bram's breaths in the other room.

"What do you think he could possibly be thinking about?" I asked quietly.

"Anything. His new future, the loss of his family, your relationship, what it means to be a vampire, how it feels to be a vampire, what the future will be like, maybe worrying about being safe from humans...he literally could be thinking about anything," he said and I nodded. I remembered some of this, but I always felt like I had a pretty firm grasp on my control, because I easily integrated myself back into the family, and I didn't have any standoffish moments like this. Edward read my thoughts, and he told me about how, when he was new, he struggled the same way, and it took him time to realize that he had other desires as well. He didn't tell me how long it took, and I felt like he did that for my benefit. I sighed and stared into the night, and decided to hunt with Edward. He nodded in agreement and followed me out, confident that Jasper had Bram under control.

We flew through the night and his thoughts lingered on the recent confrontation with the Volturi, and how lucky we were. He was also slightly worried about Jake, and his emotional struggles. He wondered about how we could possibly help him, and I answered that, probably, the best way was to act as though things were normal, and try to help him stay occupied.

Being a father will keep him busy he thought, smiling. He seemed very relaxed about it, probably because he was confident in Ness's ability to be a mother. Her own mother took to it so naturally, I expect it will be similar. I can't believe I'm going to be a grandfather. It's hard to imagine that frozen at age 17 forever, he said.

He or she is even going to have a great-grandfather, I thought, thinking about Charlie and Carlisle.

I really hope, and I haven't said this to Ness yet, but I hope that this child is human and also has the werewolf gene, so that Jake has another person in this family he can closely relate to.

I thought about it, and thought, It probably wouldn't be a big deal if there were some vampire traits, like some sort of gift or the durability or the speed or the ability to think quickly. He thought about it, and hoped that the child could at least go out into the sun, but I didn't worry about that, because both his parents could.

Edward wondered idly about the name they would give the baby, and about the sex it would be, and so did I. I wondered if they had a preference, but decided probably not. Most parents just wanted a healthy child. Then I thought about Bram and myself, and how we might want to adopt someday.

Edward was eager to converse about that. He basically explained that Carlisle created and took in vampires who needed help. For example, Alice and Jasper weren't created by him, but they came to him because they didn't want to kill humans. Edward also thought about how Alice could look for similar people, because she had seen Jasper in visions before meeting him as someone in her future. She probably could see someone who needed help, and it would be a chance for us to adopt and have our own family. That intrigued me, and I wish I had asked Bram before he transformed how he felt about that. Bram was really loving, and I thought he could be an excellent father. It would be difficult taking in someone who still struggled with the need for human blood, but it would be excellent and rewarding to teach them the way of harmony with humans. It would probably feel very fulfilling. I thought about what jobs we could possibly have to support our child or children, and Edward told me that they had so much money, it didn't matter. Still, I wanted to have some sort of job that mattered. Edward thought about how him and Bram had once discussed cancer research, both being biology majors, and how they could easily set up a lab and begin their own research. I was sure that Bram would enjoy that. With their vampire minds, they were likely to discover something. I thought about acting and about the fact that I probably couldn't do it anymore, because I couldn't be out during the day. The thought was depressing, but Ness had once mentioned that she had a couple ideas for plays. It would be fun to collaborate and write plays with her. She had the ability to write the score, or even plays were musicals. I was better at plot and character development. Edward nodded approvingly as we came up on a deer herd. We each were able to hunt enough to quench our thirst. I thought about Bram again with a heavy sigh, and Edward really did sympathize with me, saying in mind that it would have been hard for him not be close to Bella if she was acting the same way. He stressed the importance of staying with my partner, of continuing to support him however I could. I completely agreed with him. He felt like Bram would soften to me as he spent more time drinking animal blood, because animal blood diluted our sense of ferocity and allowed us to form stronger bonds of love with family and with partners. At the rate he was drinking, it probably would begin to show in his behavior. We were going to run out of deer at the rate he was going. Edward chuckled.

I'm sure he would enjoy mountain lions, he thought, and it piqued my interest. I'd like to experience that too, but I asked him if he thought it was a good idea for me to hunt with him yet. He seemed to deliberate, honestly, he felt like the only person who was truly safe hunting with him was Jasper at this point, because he seemed to connect with him. I agreed. Jasper's ability to control emotions was very helpful in this.

After hunting, we went back home. Unfortunately, I didn't feel much better about what was happening with me and Bram. It was like there was an ocean between us, and even though he was only a few rooms away, we were so far apart. I didn't go near him much because I didn't want him to know how unhappy I was. I was trying to be a good boyfriend and give him what he wanted, but honestly, it didn't even feel like we were really together at the moment, because normally we would say I love you everyday. We would touch everyday, and say goodmorning and goodnight. It bothered me that he didn't seek me out to tell me these things. He didn't message me either, but that would have felt weird from a few rooms away. I felt terribly guilty for feeling like we weren't dating at the moment. I just didn't know what I was supposed to do. There was too much free time, and no way to fill it other than sitting around, brooding, and sometimes hunting. Bella sat with me on the couch for a little while, not saying anything, which was comforting. She could be a presence without being a burden. There was no need to make small talk with her. We were watching some movie one day, and when we hit a commercial, she said something, but it wasn't uninteresting to me. She told me that Ness and Jake had decided to stay a couple towns away while we sorted things out, and that if/when Ness was pregnant, we would probably have to go back, or at least, they would probably have to go back home so Carlisle could be there for her. It made sense, certainly, and I knew that Edward would go back, which was unfortunate, because I liked to telecommunicate with him.

"If Bram is further along in hunting and seems comfortable with us, we probably could all go home. It's going to take some time before she knows if she's pregnant," she said. I was hopeful, because I didn't know what was worse, going home with them and leaving Bram behind, or staying here with this new version of Bram that didn't seem to care that I was in the other room while they left. I sighed heavily. Bella lapsed back into comfortable silence.

I found that I preferred to go outside and not always to hunt, just to spend time in the trees, listening to Elliott Smith, and staring at birds as they made nests, wondering idly how many animals I could hear at any one given time with my incredible hearing. I relaxed and zoned out, trying to listen to the animals, and the sounds combined were deafening. I could also hear the snow falling. Snow always seemed to fall lightly around us up here. It never bothered me. The cold didn't mean anything to me as a vampire anymore, and I sort of enjoyed it. I liked to catch the different snowflakes in my hands, and they wouldn't melt.

One day, after a week and a half of keeping my distance from Bram, other than short exchanges, I was lying in a pine tree counting the pinecones and pondering the simple life of a tree, when Jasper came out to talk to me. I found this to be odd because he almost never did communicate with me, but it was just his way. I didn't take it personally.

Hey Simon he thought, and I dropped down from the pine tree, abandoning the counting. I just got back from a hunt with Bram and he asked if he could talk to you he thought, and I almost couldn't believe my ears. I struggled to keep my breathing under control. I had wondered if this moment was ever going to come; if I was going to be able to hold him in my arms again the way that I did two weeks ago when he was burning. Even though he was hurting during that time, I longed for moments like that again, because at least he wanted me more than anything at the time. I walked over to him and looked into his face and he seemed calm enough, not anxious about this idea.

"So you think it's a good idea?" I asked him.

"After this time has passed, I don't really see an issue with it, but if you feel uncomfortable for any reason or feel threatened, just say my name and I'll be there," he said and I realized he was letting me see Bram alone, which made me feel even more anxious. What if Bram was talking to me to tell me that he had decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. He had been so cold and I didn't know how to feel about this. I felt like my stomach had dropped, and I was actually colder than normal. Jasper looked into my face, taking in the roller coaster of my emotions.

"Okay, we should go," I managed to croak, and I followed him into the house. After a moment of silence, I felt a more calming feeling spread through me. Jasper had let me experience his empathic abilities, and I muttered a thank you. No one was in the house and I had to wonder if they had cleared out because of this moment. I couldn't hear them around the house either, maybe they were off doing something. Jasper stayed in the living room and I proceeded to the room that Bram had pretty much been occupying; the same one he burned in. I took a deep breath at the doorway, taking in his scent through the door, and missed him more than ever in that moment. It was just too hard to be close and yet so distant. I knocked on the door and he said come in in his musical voice that still had a hint of how he used to sound. I almost felt like I couldn't walk in, it was too overpowering how much I loved his voice. And my anxiety over losing it was too high.

Somehow I managed to do it, and stepped in the room. He was standing by the window and he was not in any form of crouched defensive position. He was standing perfectly upright, just like any of the rest of us, seeming perfectly at ease. He stared out the window then turned at human speed to look at me. He seemed to have fairly good control over his movements. His expression was unfathomable, but it certainly wasn't wild either. He was speculating as he looked at me. I felt like I was being x-rayed. I longed to hear his thoughts.

"Hey Bram," I said, and had trouble clearing my throat. I coughed and tried to make my throat feel less tight.

He smiled and said, "Hey," and I had no idea what to say after that. What exactly did you say to your boyfriend that you turned into a vampire and then didn't want to speak to you for almost two weeks? I was sure I didn't think I would ever know, so I just waited for him to talk.

"I'm glad you decided to come," he said and I was confused by this. Didn't he know I was dying to be here? Maybe I should clarify that, of course, I always would want to be here. "Things have been so different," he said, and I felt like that was the most vague thing he could ever say.

"Yeah, totally," I said lamely because I had no idea how to reply to things were really different. For the first time he looked unhappy, but not with me. It was his old expression when he felt guilty, and instantly, I felt really bad for my fresh attitude. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that in a negative way. I'm just saying yes, it's very different for me as well," I said quickly, trying to save myself. He gazed at me lost in thought.

"It's been so different, that my mind hasn't been organized enough to understand what's been happening between us," he said. I was so relieved he had said between us and was not just talking about his own journey.

He waited for me to talk and I didn't know what to say. I took the plunge. "Bram, I'm not sure what you want right now," I said, and I felt bad because it sounded like I didn't want to help him, when that was furthest from the truth.

"I know and I know we haven't been talking, and really it's felt like one extended moment for me, lost in my thoughts. I have to admit, I didn't even feel the days passing at some points until Jasper told me it's been almost two weeks. That scared me," he said. He was speaking clearly and collectively. He had seemed to recover from his previous state.

"I remember the beginning when I was lost in thought for a long time too, because vampire minds just seemed to go on and on and on," I said, and felt like I sounded kind of dumb, so I stopped talking and looked at the floor.

I felt like we were in the middle of a breakup or a moment of restarting ourselves, and I couldn't tell which one it was. The idea of Bram ever breaking up with me was so difficult to stomach, I had no idea what I would do next if that was the case. I certainly couldn't stay here or with the Cullens if it happened, not if he was going to be here. How could I be around someone I loved so much who didn't want me anymore? I swallowed and I felt my eyes prick in that way they do when they want to cry but they can't. I took a breath to steady myself and unfortunately it didn't sound right either.

There was a movement of air and Bram was suddenly a lot closer to me. I stepped back, a bit shocked, because I wasn't aware if this was a dangerous move or not, but he seemed to be very cam. He looked into my face and I could see the guilt again.

"What are you thinking right now?" he asked me, and his voice was a bit burdened as well although not as bad as mine. I tried to clear my throat and not sound like I had just been almost crying.

"I was just wondering what were you were going to say next, and I was sort of worried that we may not go back to the way we used to be," I said, and I couldn't believe I admitted it, but it felt good to say it. At least now I was about to find out yes or no for sure. I didn't think I could handle any more suspense of wondering either way. My fate would be determined in a moment.

For the first time in his new life, Bram reached his hand forward toward me, and I was distracted by how his smooth skin glowed in the dim light. Beautiful. He touched my face right below my eye where my skin had just been crunched up in pain.

"My God, Simon I'm so sorry," he said, sounding almost like himself before the change. "I can't believe you had to worry on your own that we weren't going to be together again, I never dreamed you could imagine that, but I guess looking back on two weeks of silence, it does seem pretty cold, doesn't it?" He asked me gently. Even though my cold heart wasn't beating, I felt like it was almost restarted by his reaction to what I said, because it seemed like he thought that was an extreme idea, not a realistic one, but I didn't let myself hope yet. I still stared into his eyes. He could be apologizing for breaking up with me for all I knew.

"I suppose I was just worried that the drastic change you went through could have changed your mind about us," I said, pressing him for a more definitive answer and looking into his orange eyes; they weren't quite as red as before with all the animal blood he was drinking. His eyes crinkled in the way that mine just had, and he reached back to touch his own face, confused. I felt my heart twist, because he probably had no idea what that reaction meant.

I reached forward to take his hand and he let me have it. His skin didn't feel cold to me the way that their skin had felt to me before. It actually felt almost warm, we were the same temperature now, and it was really relaxing. I threaded my fingers through his and then lowered our hands. He still looked upset and confused.

"I'm sorry Bram, but that's what it feels like to cry in this body. We can't shed tears anymore. I'm so sorry, I don't want you to cry," I added feeling terrible. "If you want, I could come back later and not hurt your feelings so much," I said, although I couldn't possibly imagine letting go of his hand right now. I felt like nothing could tear me away from him, unless he spoke the words I was worried about.

"No Simon, I just feel so terrible because you had to be worried, and I want you to know that there is nothing that could happen that could change my mind about you, regardless of what I'm going through and what I need sometimes. It could be space every now and then but, I'm sure you understand that he," said raising an eyebrow and I nodded quickly. I felt my eyes pricking again from the relief of what he said.

"Bram, I'm sorry I acted this way and I'm sorry that I haven't been more understanding. It just made me so nervous the way that things were, and I love you so much, and the idea of losing you..." I said and I felt the hitch in my throat again. No matter what form I was in, tears seemed to be part of my life consistently.

He gasped and crushed me to him, and I had to admit, it took me by surprise. He was very very strong. In fact, it almost kind of hurt me a little bit, and I cringed. He dropped his hands looking horrified. I quickly comforted him, saying that it was only because he was so strong, and his expression relaxed. Maybe he was worried about me to not wanting to be with him in his new form, what a preposterous thought. He was literally the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life, especially at this point when we were both the new supermodels in the house. He held my face trying to be gentle, and then kissed me for the first time as a vampire, and I felt like the electricity from that touch could have powered the house. It was so strong and so sensitive. How different this kissing was from before? Maybe my heart wasn't strong enough to bear it in my previous form. I now had such a capacity to handle these emotions and also ride them in their glory. He was still being gentle, and it was probably a good idea, but I had almost no restraint, so of course, I started kissing him harder. He had no hope but to respond, and then it was very heated, even though we were both ice-cold. I felt his hands everywhere, in my hair, on my neck, on my shoulders, caressing up my back, and I had forgotten all these things, and yet, never experienced them before now. This was nothing like before, absolutely nothing. I couldn't believe what it felt like to be a vampire in love. I felt like I could shatter the walls with the strength of it. I felt his frame, how much of a statue it was. It felt like concrete, but yet he was still soft to my touch somehow. I felt like his touch melted through my skin straight to my bones. I felt such a quiver of desire I didn't think I could handle it, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Was I supposed to stop this or keep going? I had an idea of what would happen if we kept going, and I didn't know if that was really appropriate at this current time.

Against my will, I pulled back and he let me go. "Would you like to stop? I don't want to push you too far," I breathed, and I felt like my heart would break from from saying this, because I didn't want to stop. Stopping was the last thing I could imagine doing in this moment. I had missed him so much, it felt like a year.

He pulled my face back to his, ignoring my comment. He kissed me desperately, and I was relieved he wasn't stopping us. I felt him pull my shirt up to take it off, and I raised my arms to let him. I felt like my heart would explode from happiness at this gesture. I reached for his, and unbuttoned it with unerring skill, because vampires had incredible dexterity. I slipped it off him and it fell to the floor. We just held onto each other, feeling the skin of each other, and learning our new vampire selves. I didn't know what it would be like to have sex as a concrete statue. How could I possibly do that? I mean, sex felt like a soft human sort of activity because we could bend, be flexible, and move different ways, but it turned out it was possible. Maybe it was even easier to do these things as a vampire, because as soon as you had a thought of how you wanted to be, there was no pause in between. It just happened, like if you were sitting and wanted to stand up, you just did. You didn't wait for some sort of signal to be passed from the brain to the legs. He was touching my legs right now in a very serious and sensual way that made me want him so incredibly badly it was hard to bear. I gasped and he smiled, because he enjoyed making me make sex noises more than anything else. Well, almost anything else.

The first time we had any form of sex, including oral sex, was so incredible, because I never had gone that far with anyone or let anyone be so intimate with me. It felt like I was unlocking this whole new side of myself, and he was the only one who had the key. After a while of perfecting that, which we both had pretty much become gods at, and knew exactly how to make the other one have the best orgasm ever, we had started having full sex in college. Before we did I had to admit, the concept of this made me feel nervous, because it was harder to start having sex this way than with a girl, because girls have the right equipment for this sort of thing, and boys just didn't, even though they had sex anyway.

I hadn't mentioned this to Bram, because I didn't want to seem like a baby who didn't want to have sex with him, but we still hadn't had sex by Christmas, and it was starting to feel like a strain. I thought he was more confident than I was, but he felt my concern and held back. When we stayed up at the school for our White Christmas, we got a little hammered that night, and something about being slightly drunk, and full of Christmas spirit, sort of unlocked me. We made out that night, and I deliberately pushed things further, and I remembered him whispering to me, asking if I wanted it. I whispered back that I did. I didn't know how. He knew how to do it, it seemed. Maybe he had done extensive research. I certainly hadn't really, I only had watched gay porn, back before we were together. He didn't seem concerned at all, he had condoms and anything else we could have needed to make this as pain-free as possible. He asked me which way I wanted to do this and I felt my heart break into a sprint, and vulnerability choke me in that moment. I couldn't exactly answer him, and then he stopped for a few minutes and just lay down with me, and stroked my hair and kissed my jaw.

Eventually he broke the silence to ask me if I understood how much he loved me, and how he wasn't ever going to push me to do anything I was reluctant to do. I admitted that I wasn't reluctant, I just didn't know what to do. It was sort of like a barrier. I didn't know which way I wanted to start doing this. Who would be on top first or on bottom first or whatever else you called it. I wasn't exactly sure. It's not like I knew much about traditional sex with women either, which was the most unappealing idea I could ever think of.

He admitted that yes, he was more comfortable with the concept, and he didn't mind if I wanted to wait until I got more comfortable or he suggested he could take charge, if it made it easier for me. He didn't say it in such a way that made me feel like the bitch, or something, he said it in a comforting way like, would you like me to drive the car? You don't look so hot. In that moment, I decided it was probably best to hand over the keys.

I told him I wouldn't mind if he took control of this, and he told me that if at any point I wasn't enjoying myself, or something went wrong, I needed to tell him, and hearing him say that stirred up my anxiety again. Then he kissed me until I forgot what my name was, and so it was fine after that. It was all so helpful, and turning me back on worked, because I was so interested in just doing it that I forgot to be afraid about it. He told me what I needed to do. I did it without feeling self-conscious at all. And it wasn't like we hadn't explored parts of this with each other before, because honestly, the best orgasms had to do with prostate-play, and I had never had trouble with that before. He was very good at it, and those orgasms were out of this world.

This kind of sex would elicit the same kind of orgasm, but with a higher risk of pain. I already knew that it basically would hurt, and it was fine with me. Even with normal sex that was normally the case, only not for the guy in that situation. He used some sort of product he had on me so it wouldn't be as painful for me, it felt sort of weird but also necessary. And then he sort of hugged me around my waist and gently inserted himself in me. I was shocked by the feel of it. It was a slow thing, so I had a chance to get used to it and yeah, it did not feel the best, but I was able to get used to it after 5 minutes of him just not moving. I appreciated him understanding. He reached forward and started stroking me as well, which was incredibly erotic, with both things happening at the same time, and asked me if I was fine, to which I said yes, even though it may not have been true, but I couldn't tell. He asked if he could do more and I also said yes automatically, and in a very gentle motion he started to have sex with me. I was surprised by the feeling of it. I hadn't felt pleasure yet, but I just took in what it was like. He realized that it wasn't exactly pleasurable for me yet, and so he moved in an effort to find my prostate, and that certainly changed the game. Then it became very good sex. The pain sort of faded away with the pleasure. And his constant stroking of my legs between my thighs was almost too much, it was difficult for me to hold on. I heard the familiar moan he made right before he orgasmed, and so, I knew I needed to catch up. I concentrated on the good feeling and reached for myself and within about a minute I was able to find an orgasm that was pure ecstasy. As soon as he heard me, he let go as well, and I felt a warm rush, even though he was careful to wear a condom. This was necessary for maximum comfort, at least for me. I was exhausted after the experience, and I had to admit that in about 5 minutes, I started feeling the pain again and so he quickly removed himself to spare me. Then I sort of toppled down on the bed and thought about how I had just had sex and that I was no longer a virgin. We both weren't anymore. He asked me if we could take a bath together, because it would be good for me, and I agreed. Most everyone was away for vacation in the dorms. Not many of us had stayed behind for Christmas, and so we were able to sneak into the stall that had the only bathtub in the men's showers. That was a different sensual experience in itself; very intimate even though no sex was involved. I liked sitting between his legs and feeling him wash me and whisper that he loved me in my ear. I snuggled against his bare chest and felt at home.

A few days later, it came up that maybe I wanted to try having sex the other way, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that yet. It seemed like a very different kind of sex, instead of just letting him have sex with me. He didn't seem to think this was a problem though, and that I would be fine at it. He pointed out that I was nervous the first time as well, and that turned out okay... well better than okay. Before New Year's Eve, I decided to try it, even though I never communicated this to him. Our makeout session just seemed to progress to that point. Maybe he did know I had decided, even though I didn't say anything. I didn't want to do the same position as he did though, because I preferred seeing Brams face. It wasn't exactly my favorite position in which I imagined myself giving sex. I liked receiving sex that way. And so I lay back on the pillows, and encouraged him to sit on my lap, which I found to be very sexy. I made sure I did all the same prep as he did, because of course, this was Bram's first time too. I did everything he did to make sure I spared him pain. When I slid myself carefully into him, as he lowered himself down in my lap, he gasped in surprise, though it didn't seem like a negative gasp. It certainly was a positive one. I sat up and waited before doing anything else though, and kissed his ear as I let him become accustomed to feeling me inside him. After a few moments, I felt his body relax more. That was the point at which I decided I should do something different. I reached for his legs and held on, and then pushed inside him, without taking myself all the way out. I felt like he would probably feel a bit better that way. It felt so good for me. I had no idea how good it would feel. I almost came instantly, but I controlled myself. At first, I could tell I wasn't finding his prostate well, and so I made adjustments, until I felt myself find it, and heard it in his voice that I had. And then neither of us could last much longer after that.

Just like that, I had my second major sexual experience. He said I was very good, and it was amusing how we tried to figure out who was better. Eventually we decided we both were gods at sex. I still preferred to start with oral sex most of the time and then wait 20 minutes to have intercourse. It was easier to last longer that way anyway.

Once we started having sex though, it was difficult to stop. It felt like at one point it was almost every day, in which case we were burning a lot of calories. But eventually we settled into a routine that we both liked, leaving enough time for friends, work, school work, and love making.

Reflecting upon my human experience with sex didn't slow me down in the present, because of my vampire mind. I also thought about my first experience with Bram as a vampire when he was still human.

After I changed, it became very apparent to me that humans were fragile. Our full-on intercourse we had been doing before, could not possibly happen while Bram was a human. I couldn't imagine ever hurting him, and I knew that I was too strong to do this with him. I didn't know how Edward managed it with Bella, but in all honesty, a vagina was better equipment for sex anyway, so that could possibly have been why. But because I had heightened senses, I used these heightened senses to give Bram pleasure.

After my transformation, when we could finally be close again, we were making out in our room. He pressed his warm soft body against me, I felt like I couldn't last one more second without having sex with him, but of course I couldn't. I kissed his throat and his chest and I moved myself down all the way to his happy trail, and he was begging me at that point. And I really did want to pleasure him even though sex wasn't possible. I told him that nothing he could ever do during sex could hurt me. Back when we were both humans, it took real work to be able to give a good blow job. You had to balance movement, jaw control, and coming up for air. Now I just had to be careful not to hurt him, not caring at all what happened to me.

I lifted him up carefully by the stomach and the shoulder spun him around so he was on all fours. He found this to be very stimulating. I stroked his back and legs, feeling how warm and lovely he was, it was hard to believe that he eventually wanted to become a vampire, because he was so perfect. I slid his underwear off him and he moaned. I caressed his high inner thigh, and he shivered at the cold touch.

I laid on my back, and slid underneath him. I positioned myself so he could reach my face if he pushed his hips forward. I breathed on him gently that almost put him over the edge. Carefully, I slid him into my mouth and he was so warm. He gasped and shivered from the full contact, but wasn't bothered by it.

"Oh my God, Simon, I can't believe this," he moaned. I let go of him and told him quietly that if he wanted, he could pretty much have sex with my face. It would be easy. I didn't need air anymore. I didn't exhaust. He grinned and I got him back to my mouth slowly and waited for him to try. He did so tentatively, but this was the sort of thing that choked your partner in a previous life. I patted his leg, indicating he could do much more. He tried again with more passion, meeting zero resistance. I stroked his legs gently, turning him on more and he finally let go and had sex with my face. I could tell it felt good for him, he was moaning in his significant way. At the point at which I felt like he was reaching his maximum build, I carefully slid my fingers into him and stroked his prostate, and that was almost too much. He gasped and then came into my mouth and I could tell it was one of his best orgasms ever. I held him up because his legs seemed weak afterward, and I slowly guided him out of me and lay him down. I kissed his thigh gently and then wound him into my arms. He felt so warm, I pressed him against my chest eagerly.

"My God Simon that felt so incredibly good," he said, almost a moan. He whispered that he wanted to do the same for me, but I didn't think it was a good idea. I didn't know if me climaxing would result in venom or something, and that would be bad for him to have in his mouth, even though I desperately wanted it. He did settle for stroking me though, and that was a nice feeling, even if I couldn't get maximum pleasure. It didn't matter, this gentle love making with my human boyfriend warmed my cold dead heart. And I loved it when he slept in my arms.

Right now, we weren't even having sex yet, but I felt like just touching was waking me up so much, it wouldn't take long. But then again, after that how long would it take to recover? One minute? Not even? Just start going again? It was hard to believe what would really be possible.

I remembered talking to Jake that time about how vampires seemed to just have sex for hours on end, and the idea really enthralled me, because I couldn't think of anything better to do, than to lose myself in this man after our separation. He lifted me up unexpectedly and laid me down on the bed. He began kissing every part of me, moving steadily to my waistline. I wanted him to touch me so badly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I just moaned his name urgently, hoping he would understand. Obligingly he took off my clothes and began kissing me all over, but avoiding the one part that needed him the most, which was such a teasing thing to do. I groaned in protest. Then his smooth hands were on me, finally giving me what I wanted, and I couldn't even think. It was the most incredible pleasure I've ever felt in my life so far. Every nerve ending was on fire. His hands were like marble satin, so smooth and warm. It took all my vampire strength to hold back in that moment, but I almost didn't want to either. I whispered his name, so he knew about this problem and then he proceeded to slide me into his mouth. It felt warm to me, even though we were both ice cold. Five minutes later I couldn't hold on anymore, it felt so amazing. I had my first orgasm as a vampire, and it made my whole body seize with pleasure; nothing like a human orgasm. I didn't feel tired the way that normal sex makes people feel tired. I continued to kiss him afterward, touching him in return got me instantly back into the game, which was exciting to learn. I wasn't content to do the same thing that he did in the same way, and so I lifted him up to sit on my face, and he couldn't believe how much more daring we were; never trying anything too exotic before, but literally nothing could hurt us. He had sex with my mouth while my hand had sex with his butt, and that was enough to make him come very quickly as well.

Again, there was no pause. Eventually we were having actual intercourse, taking turns, and none of it seemed to be enough. He had the most beautiful body in the world and I had incredible eyesight. We fit together easily and painlessly. Never had I ever been so connected with him; mind, body, and soul. I never seemed to be close enough to him, and kept pulling myself closer. He pressed me to him and if it hurt me due to his vampire strength, I did not protest. I couldn't really remember if it did or not. I was too engaged in other activities. Everything we did felt good, even without complete prostate contact. Any amount of pressure felt almost orgasmic, and I lost count of how many times I reached climax that night. I didn't mind not knowing.

So this was the vampire life; the real life. Hours later we were lying together on the bed, not exactly resting, and not exactly having talked much during the past few hours, but still wanting a moment just to enjoy the closeness. He asked me how we were supposed to stop when all he wanted was to just keep going. He said it was better than drinking blood and I agreed. How did I just stop having sex with Bram when I never had to? I supposed we had other obligations to our friends. It was also important for him to hunt as well, in order to get closer and closer to being able to go home. For the first time he frowned, and I felt bad. I told him I would stay out here with him no matter what, no matter how long it took, that he never would be separated from me again. And he smiled a grateful smile, and started kissing me again, effectively ending that conversation

When the light returned I felt buoyant. I had let my mind drift like what was suggested to me in a way that was almost similar to sleep. I explained it to Bram and he was doing it as well; that way we not only got to have sex but then we got to daydream about it as well. It was quite restful to let your mind wander similar to a daydream, or getting hypnotized. Eventually we had to find clothes and get dressed, though, which was not appealing to either of us. Then I remembered that the next night would be only a few hours away, and that was enough for us to start rifling through drawers.

We emerged, hand-in-hand, which was difficult because it kept sending erotic electric pulses, and eventually we had to let go and settle for sitting next to each other on the couch. When no one was looking at us though, I pressed my knee up against his and he had trouble withstanding this. I wanted to suggest going back to our room for a quickie, when the others came to sit with us.

They talked to us about how they wanted to invite Jake and Ness back, saying that Bram seemed ready to have them around. We assured him that Ness wasn't really like a human, and Jake certainly wasn't. Bram thought about it and I took his hand. I whispered to him that I knew he could do it; he could do anything.

They returned to us that night, carefully moving into the house, and Jasper sat next to Bram, and I sat on the other side. We carefully watched his reaction. He had a slight reaction to the heartbeats. Ness had a subtle human flavor, but there was enough vampire smell to balance it out. Jake did not smell good to Bram, something he told him so, and Jake started laughing. Looking into Jake's face, he looked a lot more calm, less stressed than he had two weeks before. Perhaps the mini honeymoon away with Ness he had been having was all he needed.

Bram relaxed, and we all sat on the couches grinning at each other, because it was a triumph. Jake and Ness looked at each other, and then she looked at her parents, and I cocked my head, and decided to read her thoughts. I grinned broadly after I did. Edward seemed to be holding his breath, and then they said that she threw up this morning with big smiles. Alice clapped her hands delightedly, and seemed really pleased. Bella smiled hugely, and hugged her daughter. I knew, from just knowledge in life, that throwing up was a sign of pregnancy. Everyone seemed very excited by the news. They were congratulated and hugged and I was still taken by Jake's deep happiness. It seemed like it might never have re-emerged, but he did it; he fought his demons. I felt pretty excited for them. Apparently, the time that had passed was the appropriate amount of time for a normal pregnancy, and so this was a good sign. Bella had gotten pregnant and had a baby within a month. They were happy this seemed much slower and natural.

They decided they were going to head back and Bram and I were going to stay behind with Jasper and Alice for another week, just to be sure. Then we would most likely head back as well. Bram seemed pleased about this, because I thought he was getting sick of the same surroundings all the time, and the same deer. I admitted to myself that home was much more exciting, visually stimulating, and had better game.

Around six, Bram and I couldn't stand it anymore. We snuck back to our room to resume our insane love making. We tried out new and interesting things that were shockingly erotic. It was a good thing vampires didn't have issues with friction. We were both so smooth. We both felt so soft to each other. Everything was pleasure, and I felt like I loved Bram from the depth of my soul. I could tell when he looked into my eyes, he felt the same. I remembered back to when he was burning, about how I mentioned marriage, and then thought to myself about which would be more appropriate; me proposing to him or him proposing to me? And I supposed it was just a race for who wanted to go first. There really was no perfect way. And then Bram pushed me up against the wall and started kissing the corner of my pelvis, and I lost my train of thought.

The next day when Alice asked me if I could go hunting with her. As soon as we were safely away, she started jumping up and down and asked if I could plan the wedding. It hadn't taken much time, but I was already becoming attached to my new sister. I agreed that I would let her, and then felt a sad feeling in my stomach about how we couldn't invite people from our own lives. Then we talked about my friend Leah, and I thought that there might be a chance that maybe we could reveal ourselves to her. I told her that the wedding would depend on that timeline of trying to talk to Leah, and she agreed that that was fine, knowing that I couldn't tell my parents. This was really hard for me. Bram couldn't have his parents there either which really hurt as well.

I thought about who would walk us down the aisle, and realized that I'd walk with Leah, my maid of honor, if she came, and Bram could go with any of them. I wondered who his closest friend was here? Edward or Jake maybe. Maybe both. Ness and Bella would be bridesmaids. And Alice. It did give me time to want to be engaged to him for a little while. Alice looked slightly annoyed, because as soon as I thought of Jake and Ness in the wedding, it sort of disappeared from her visions. Obviously, they would be involved though, and she knew that. I knew without them, she would still do a good job. I asked her about how I could get a ring. She told me that she would do some investigating, and order a few for me and I could choose. I thought that was a perfectly acceptable idea.

I specified that I wanted platinum though, and some form of diamonds integrated. Of course you always wanted to give diamonds to your loved one. But Bram liked really simple things; I made sure to stress that and she nodded in agreement.

I was shocked that the rings arrived in the mail only a handful of days later. She must have really been interested in doing this. Again went out to the woods and safely went to the top of a tree before we even unpacked them. They were all so beautiful, it was hard to pick. I knew the ones that I thought were beautiful, weren't necessarily the ones that Bram would think were beautiful. I managed to shut my thoughts off, because I didn't want to see Alice's vision and then lose the chance of choosing right now in the moment. I selected a plain one with diamonds along the edges, that sparkled in the dim light. It was a very beautiful deep gray platinum. She smiled.

"That was the one you were meant to choose according to my visions," she said, and then she quickly directed her thoughts away because she didn't want me to see the proposal. I was glad, turning my mind reading back off again. I wanted to think of it on my own, and not be influenced by anything, even the future.

I decided I wanted to propose at home when everyone was there, not when they were there in the moment, but just there to celebrate with us after. She told me that she was starting to arrange an engagement party, and I shook my head smiling, and dropped down to the ground, leaving the ring with her. Bram would be able to find it if I brought it with me on my person. I killed a deer just to keep up the pretense, so he could see my eyes burn bright gold.

Bram was doing the sleep-like daydreaming when I returned. I climbed willingly into his arms, rousing him. He stared into my eyes and smiled. His were a bright orange, almost yellow; pretty. That night we didn't have sex, just lay close, pressed together. I felt like that was just important for us to do, because we liked to talk all night also. I wanted to bring up the subject of Leah, but I also didn't want to reveal why I wanted to right now. So, I didn't, but I did wish he could give me advice on the matter. Was it for the best to try to talk to her? It might scare her to death, or it might mean that I could have my friend back again.