Disclaimer: I do not own Sword Art Online or Deadpool. Both are owned by the respective owners.
''Warning: Crappy English. But you already came this far, so you can ignore this warning.''
17th floor, Dungeon of Caves, 22:58.
A thousand minerals reflected the light of a single torch as an echo of multiple voices echoed through the hollow cave. Some of the weak monsters had just been beaten, and it would take at least a couple of hours for other monsters to appear.
An orange cursor was furiously dancing above one of the explorers of that cave, a smiling Coffin tattooed on its user's left arm. But although the orange cursor and the symbol of Laughing Coffin was an indication of a murderous maniac, the player in question was not acting like a maniac. In fact, he was smoothly dancing to the background music of his HUD, which just started a recent familiar song.
A simple and old rhythm, with a very catching start that was well-known to anyone who had not lived under a rock. ''Hey! What's the matter with your head? Yeah. Hey! What's the matter with your mind? And your sign? And a, oh, oh, oh.'' Kuze continued as he no longer paid attention to his surroundings. ''Hey!''
''Hey!''
''With it, baby. Cause you're fine, and you're mine, and you look...'' The gray-haired suddenly stopped, just realizing the second hey was not from a faraway party member. However, he was a bit too late as two machete's bisected him three vertical lines. ''Deadpool wins! [Fatality]{How did we kill him in a one-not-sword-skill hit?} ''Didn't you listen? It was a fatality.'' First blood! ''Sweet!''
As the sound of crystalization rang through the air, and the healthbar in a party of six suddenly instantly depleted and shattered, the other party members ran forward in utmost haste. ''Kuze?! Kuze?! Where the fuck are you?!'' Two players shouted as they reached the last known position, only for them to find nothing but minerals and stones.
''This is not funny, Kuze! If you are messing with me, I'm killing you myself!'' Another orange player shouted.
''How the fuck did he get one-shotted? We are far too over-leveled for this damn floor.'' The third older player asked worriedly.
''Calm down, Ossan.'' A fourth player commented as he walked to the other two party members. ''You know how that idiot is. He probably just tripped and broke his neck. It had to happen eventually.''
''Don't be so ridiculous, you little squirt. Even those small fries from the sixth floor weren't that fragile.'' The forty-year-old responded in kind. ''They were pretty fun to mess around with though,'' he added grinningly.
''Watch out! We got badass over here!'' Another voice commented mockingly.
''That's right, so you better rem...?!'' The older player suddenly stopped, realizing that the voice did not belong to one of his party members. His eyes shifted to the right wall, where are a familiar player in red was leaning in a cool man pose. ''Deadpool?!''
''Winner, winner, chicken dinner!'' [What did he win?](Death!). The sound of teleportation rang into the air, followed by materialization, clashes of iron, screams of agony, and pain. Double kill! Triple kill! Mega Kill! Killing spree! Echoed through Deadpool's head, only the sound of shattering glass breaking the silence in the almost-empty dungeon.
''There is a difference between a killer and an assassin. One is a job, and the other is mental sickness.'' {Where did that come from?}[Op wanted to do another reference.]''And knew nothing better than that. Shame, oh shame. But someone gotta teach these kids a lesson, and what better way than teaching them by returning the favor.'' [Easy and effective.]
Approaching footsteps echoed through the cave as a sixth player had reached the crime scene. However, unlike the other five, the cursor belonging to the red-haired woman was still colored green. As she took note of Deadpool, she stopped on the spot and waiting for the Merc-in-red to speak.
What does she want again? [Compliments and probably something else.]{We recruited her on the sixteenth floor, remember! How can you forgot?!} Oh right, skipped content. As a wickedly cool mastermind, Deadpool's voice broke the silence. ''You have done well. You will receive your reward later.''
''Thank you, master,'' Rosalia responded happily as she thought about that reward, her face burning bright red from the thought alone. ''I'll claim my reward tomorrow. For now, please leave and allow me to handle this.''
Still missing some content here. We might need to check that story-book for dummies later. [That is probably for the best]
~Couple of hours later, floor 22.~
''That smells delicious, Aa-chan! Whatcha making?'' Argo asked curiously as she had just returned from her daily job as Aincrad's best information broker. The door slowly closed, the clashes between Kizmel and Yuuki's swords slowly vanishing from the background.
''It is just something I wanted to try. We had found some interesting ingrediënts in our progress today, so it would be a waste not to try them.'' Asuna replied, a rare happiness hearable in her voice.
Argo didn't have to guess where that happiness came from for she too felt some rest and comfort in the fact that the current loghouse they were in was theirs. With a few adjustments made in its build, mainly some additional sleeping rooms, this was the first place that had truly felt like a home since the start of this death game. A home she had to share with her guild members, but considering how much time she had spent with them, she didn't mind that little detail at all.
The broker grabbed her personal feet chair, lay her feet on it, and lay down comfortably in her own wooden rocking chair. ''Talking about progress, where is Kii-bou? I thought you two would party up today?'' She asked.
''He still had some things to take care of. Something about missing some key materials for upgrading his sword.'' Asuna answered as she stirred through the sauce.
''He is still not asking Deadpool for that?'' Yuna asked, a recording crystal floating just in front of her as she listened to her previous recording.
''He rathers earns it himself than get it for free. He is quite stubborn.'' Sinon said, her former black-hair changed to an azure blue as she had a manual from Argo in her hands.
''That's Onii-chan alright,'' Leafa responded embarrassingly as she served the table. '' I hope he at least comes in time before his dinner is cold. And where are the others?''
''Dp had some things to take care of on the 17th floor. Alice-chan, Peter-kun, and Eg-bou are now returning from the dungeon.'' Argo answered, uncertainty in her voice that was not to be underestimated.
The other girls took note of that uncertainty but knew not the ask further on it. 'Some things to take care of,' in combination with the Merc-in-Red was never a good sign, especially if that same person wouldn't tell what he was doing.
It wasn't the first time Deadpool had to take care of something. It all started during the liberation of the 18th floor when the first death by player hands was illustrated on the Monument of Life. A real first red-player - Despite their cursor clearly being fucking orange, - came into existence.
The current front-line was on the 24th floor, meaning it was around ten weeks since that first death. Slowly, more victims fell to the red players in that period. However, around the sixth week, the number of deaths rose once again, and Argo had a good guess as to why that had happened. Deadpool joined in on the fray, and luckily, she could conclude quickly that he was on the other side of the specter.
The door opened as six players entered their shared home, their enthusiastic voices breaking through the silence in mere seconds. ''Are you for real? Where did you find that?'' The blacksmith's voice could be heard above all.
''The 18th floor of the 24th dungeon. It took me around an hour to find, and another hour to chase down, but I finally have it.'' Kirito answered with a tired smile. ''I am not sure if we can cook it yet though.''
''Did you find a B-class ingrediënt or something?'' Leafa asked curiously.
''Better! An A-class!'' Yuuki announced happily as she dashed to Asuna, held her hands into her own in a pleading stance, and asked, ''Can you cook it for us, Asuna-san?''
Asuna looked worried as she answered, ''I..I..am not sure. I only cooked B-class so far, and that went well just barely.''
''Should Deadpool-san not be able to do it? He was bragging about that cooking skill process so much.'' Yuna suggested.
''I hope that is the case. If it wasn't for his unlimited supply of items, we would have been bankrupt a dozen times already,'' The guild leader responded tiredly. ''He should be here any second anyway.''
''He should?'' Liz asked confused as she walked out of the bathroom to the living room.
*Phong!* The door slammed open with a bang, sending the blacksmith who was just walking next to it crashing into a stoned wall. A pink window of the Crime Prevention Code and a purple window of immortality appeared as Deadpool announced, ''I'm back, bitches!''
Some of the girls momentarily glared at him but they gave up just as easily. They were used to him. Kirito couldn't care anymore about any of the insults Deadpool threw at him, for he knew none of them were meant anyway. Instead, he turned around and responded, ''Welcome back, Dp. Can you cook something for me? I found an A-class ingrediënt just now.''
Downloading Content! Images of an unknown source flashed in Deadpool's mind as if he was in the matrix, and just learned a new skill. What's going on? [Is this another show?](A cooking anime? What should be...?!} Noted. Let's do this!
A grin appeared on Deadpool's face as a skill in Merc's menu activated: Mimic - 240/1000.
''Alright, leave it to me!'' Deadpool answered as he pulled a white cloth from behind, and bound it around his head. There was a change in atmosphere as even Sinon looked up curious.
''Can I help?'' Asuna asked as her eyes followed Deadpool's hands. Suddenly, her eyes lit up from shock when the merc cut the pork meat perfectly in an almost perfect slice, and just after he threw the pieces of meat in the boiling heat, he cut the onions so quickly, not even the system knew how to handle it.
Flames arose under the frying pan like a beast that wanted to get out but was tamed by Deadpool's skill. Unions were cut with such ferocity and explosiveness it felt as if Deadpool stood in the middle of a warzone. An aroma of different scents delivered critical hits to the players' nostrils, nearly knocking them out like a professional boxer. It was all imagination but it all felt real. ''Dig in!'' Deadpool announced as a rice dish was perfectly served in twelve portions.
A strong sweet aroma drew the hungry players in. An almost perfect sauce with perfectly colored pork was the deciding factor for them to grab their cutlery. With both their curiosity and cautiousness triggered, they placed their forks to their mouth and took a bite from the deep unknown.
A moment of silence. Nothing but players softly biting on the food in their mouth. Then it happened.
''Aah!'' A loud moan escaped Asuna's lips as an explosion of flavors went off in her mouth, figuratively stripping her from her clothes.
''No...Way!'' Sinon shouted before she raised her head and closed her eyes in ecstasy, her hands and arms automatically covering her private areas.
''How..isss..it..so...good..?!'' Eugeo uttered in complete defeat as his mind was being blessed by the intense taste of Deadpool's creation.
''Is this...the power...of a...A-Class ingredient!?'' Argo asked as she felt her body heating up, almost feeling her skin burn her clothes off due to the intensity of her dining before she fell to her knees.
''If it is...I am kind of afraid...what an S-Rank is going to be like,'' Kirito answered as he felt his legs shake, and had to support himself from falling.
''Happy to serve!'' Deadpool said as pulled a white cloth from his head and held it high. Shokoguki no Deadpool! [For anyone who didn't know the reference]{It wasn't much!} We got both translations!
To understand a story, you need to understand the situation. From its people to the world around you. To understand a new world, you need to acquire information and there was no one better at acquiring information than Argo the Rat.
Lying in her bed late at night, in a room that was truly her own, she went through her notebooks once again. From the current state of Aincrad's player database, which was split into three groups, to the new information from the front-line.
Although it was officially three groups, the player database started to look more like two groups: the frontline and the casual players. There wasn't a single player in Aincrad that did not try to level up, even if it was only to stay alive. Players started to realize not soon after the additional updates from Kayaba, higher efficiency in skills required less time for them to gain experience. Thus, they achieved the 30-day criteria of staying alive much easier. As a result, the difference between the venturing casuals and the players working just to stay alive in safe zones diminished.
The current frontline was actually quite impressive, considering death meant permadeath, and that Japanese gamers weren't known to be brave. It helped the most reliable and yet unreliable player was at the frontline, jamming daggers up bosses' asses or pulling another stunt that got players questioned why such a thing even existed in Aincrad. For example, the Dire Tusk boss on floor 18 looked terrifying in the eyes of the present players. With its iron chain, its range extended through the entire room and it could create a tornado around it just by spinning enough. However, by heating the tornado with some unexplainable actions, that green pig suddenly turned from terrifying to smoked. That was just the mildest example Argo could think of.
However, Deadpool wasn't the only reason the frontline got so crowded. New guilds arose to the frontline, including The Knights of the Blood Oath and the Divine Dragons, on top of the existing ones that were there since the beginning of time. Is he trying to reach a quota again? [He skipped us for like 6 months. It is the least he could do]{Six months without Deadpool?! How could you?} *Sigh.*
However, what kept Argo motivated wasn't Deadpool or any of those other players who just joined the frontline. No, it was somebody far simpler than them. It was her longest friend in this world. It was Kirito.
At first, the start of their guild was just a joke for Argo. Although it sounded fun, Kirito wasn't leader material in her eyes and there was no way such a guild would stay strong against Aincrad's horrors. She knew now how wrong she was.
Yes, Kirito wasn't a born leader, but he understood that he wasn't one. In other words, he tried to learn from Diavel and Heathcliff, took advice from his guild members, and kept reflecting on his mistakes. However, most importantly, he tried to get to know his guild members.
Argo had not missed his gaze on her from time to time, nor his small remarks that showed he remembered her every word. And he did not only do that with her but with his other guild members as well. He allowed Leafa's hugging him despite being embarrassed; he gave Sinon time to be alone and pulled her in on important actions; he trained together with Asuna to overcome her fears and to get her stronger, both in body and mind; He learned Deadpool's behavior and could cope with it; he listened carefully to Eugeo and Alice's stories, and helped them find a place in Aincrad. Perhaps he was not a born leader, but he sure as hell tried to be one.
But there was one more reason Kirito kept her motivated.
From the 12th floor on, her leader started to show a side of him she had not seen before. An intriguing side, that triggered Argo's curiosity. When she read Deadpool's manual of the Ethics code, she realized not only her mind was curious about that side of Kirito.
''Kii-bou...'' She whispered her leader's name as her hands started to calm the burning heat that the Ethics code hid away. {Jojo Hmm intensified!}
While the bedsheets in Argo's room started to move restlessly and the whispers turned louder, Don't you dare, there was a conversation going in between Asuna and Sinon. Son of a bitch! *Horny bonk intensified!*
''Thank you for letting me sleep here tonight. I had some trouble sleeping the past days due to some nightmares,'' The blue-haired girl said thankfully as she snuggled under the warm blankets.
''Don't worry about it. I get it. I used to have nightmares too,'' Asuna responded as she chuckled at Sinon's childish behavior.
''Used to? You don't have them anymore?'' Sinon asked as she held the blanket just past her shoulders.
''Yes. It took some time though, but I no longer experience those nightmares.'' Asuna answered with a sisterly smile. Sinon was about to ask the logical follow-up question, but Asuna had already read it from her face. ''During one of the early girl evenings with Argo, Kizmel, and Yuna, they discovered some of my fears since entering this world. Since then, they have helped me cope with those fears. Kirito still duels me just to make me see the beauty of it instead of fearing it, and Kizmel showed me not everything we do in this world is fake.''
*Lp's scratch sounds. Time stops, the image turns gray.* ''Just admit it, you don't care about any of this. The only reason you are writing this is that you want to give the other characters some depth, instead of being just a love interest to Kirito-boy. [Which is admirable.] {But completely useless with us around!} ''Proper character traits and development? We don't do that here. Instead, let us focus on the real reason why you started to write this part!'' *Bonk!*
''Please, please, please!'' Deadpool begged with hands entwined to his leader, in an instant area of the 24th floor.
''Fine, fine, just do it,'' Kirito responded as he already regretted granting that permission. It was a stupid plan, but sometimes, you didn't have to go by the book.
''Yes! Time to blow up some goblins!'' Deadpool rejoiced as he pulled one alive Squeaky Chicken monster after another from his back.
''What is he doing?'' Every alliance member wondered but did not say out loud. There was no reason to ask, for they would not be able to stop him anyway. All, except two, who were geeks enough to remember the gems of old.
''Warning: the following content is not for the weak-minded. If you have any problem with fictional data animal cruelty, then what the hell are you doing here?'' Deadpool asked as he grabbed a chicken by the neck and stuffed it several ingrediënts. ''Let's see. One wayward pinch of potassium chlorate.'' [We don't even know what those words mean]{We only know it says kaboom!} ''Where did I leave that wire?'' Deadpool wondered out loud before he pulled a black cat from behind his back, and threw it away again.
''I don't know why, but I have a bad feeling about that cat,'' Kirito commented while he shifted his attention between Deadpool and the thrown-away cat.
''I understand your worries. I am not sure why, but that creature feels incredibly evil.'' Kizmel responded as she had her hand near her saber.
''Guys, come on, it is a cat. How evil can it be?'' Parker asked.
Before anyone could respond, Deadpool was done with his setup and the cat ran away. Around twenty alive Squacky Chickens were gathered and stuffed, and ready to be used. ''Now for the fun part!'' Deadpool grinned as he held one of the chickens in his left hand, stepped forward, and kicked it over the walls of the goblin base. He quickly grabbed another one, lay it down on the ground, and kicked it over the wall with a perfect soccer kick. It hit a guarding goblin right in the face, and the said goblin fell backward from the wall before it landed on the ground and shattered into oblivion. ''Does that count as a goal? I have no idea how soccer works.''
One after another chicken flew over the wall before they landed in the base, and started running away from the NPC goblins that chased them. ''I swear, Worms had chicken bombs as well. Seems we have to use sheeps next time.''
He looked back to his guild members, with his back to the fortress, and said, ''Welcome to Deadpool's pest control. Calls us for all your rats, insects, and ugly goblins.'' Before he pushed an imaginary button. *Booom!* echoed through the large cave as several explosions could be seen inside the fortress. Screams of agony and pain could be heard while body parts and feathers flew through the air. ''No refunds.''
''Let's go!'' Kirito commanded as he charged forward, a group of loyal friends behind him.
A campaign end battle that was supposed to take approximately four hours had been completed in just one hour. In the end, Kirito's alliance walked away unscathed with the five gems in hand. ''Five gems? Thanos? What's going on?''
''I am not going to explain the campaign lore again, Dp. Just read Argo's manual about it when we get back,'' Kirito answered. At this point, he didn't even question his partner's sudden outbursts.
''But they are so boring!'' Deadpool retorted while the other members just wondered how Kirito could deal with his longest partner so well.
They were so mesmerized by the conversation, that they had not spotted the black cat lurking towards them from a dark corner before the beast left the instant area.
''Welcome everyone, to the third episode of Aincrad's Masterchef! In the last episode, we have shown how you can make roasted pork. Today, we will show you how to turn a vile piece of flesh into a delicate dish.'' *Teleports away while a hundred players dash forward towards BuuRaa the Vile Flesh. [that is a canon boss.]{It fits the food theme but seriously, what's wrong with you, Kayaba?} [and that is coming from us.]
''Lind, take control of the left side. Kibaou, take the right!'' Diavel commanded as the leader of the Aincrad Dragon Alliance.
''Sansa, lead the charge on the right! Godfree, you are in control of the left. Muldar, Segro, with me!'' Heathcliff commanded as he dashed forward, his unbreakable shield ready to block any incoming attacks.
''What is the plan, Onii-chan?'' Leafa asked as Kirito's alliance had not charged in yet. To be precise, Kirito was examining what the Merc-in red was planning, and if he either had to help or get out of the way to help. I see.
''First, to make certain the meat is no longer Vile, we have to beat it black and blue. For that task, I have brought Sous Chefs with me. Kirito, can you beat the meat so that it is soft and tender?''
Most of the female players were blushing by the choice of words, and the male players were either laughing or embarrassed, but Kirito had seen it coming. In fact, he would have questioned it if Deadpool would not shame him at that moment. With his blade in hand, he ran forward, followed by his tomato-faced party members.
''Perfect. While my sous chefs are working on this task, let us focus on the herbs. Normally, you can use salt and pepper, but also rosemary and other Italian herbs. However, because Kayaba can't even tell us what is what out here, I advise using Calu seeds and a sprinkle of Asuka herbs for a stronger meat taste. For a fresher taste, use the cream dropped by the Basilisk warriors on floor 13. When you have found your herbs, put them together. No, no, not like that Jim. Goddammit Jim, can't you even use a bowl? Some people...''
''Switch!'' Asuna shouted before Kirito stepped in and parried an attack. At the same time, a spear pierced through BuuRaa's cheek before it vanished again and appeared in Sinon's hands.
''Okay, okay, we're back on track. With the herbs ready, we are waiting for the meat to be beaten before we can cook it. My Sous-chefs, how is the beat-meating coming along? Is my meat already soft and tender?''
''Not yet!'' Kirito answered while some others could no longer stand from laughter or embarrassment. ''Are you sure you are done with the preparations, chef?''
Deadpool looked momentarily back and forth before a lamp appeared above his head, ''I forgot the cheese! Well done, my student! You always need a good sauce with your meat!''
Asuna wanted to comment on how inappropriate her alliance member was, but she stopped herself just in time. If she would say that in front of all these people, they would know she wasn't as pure as the white in her battle gear suggested.
Physically, she was still pure. However, she was grown-up enough to understand the meaning behind those words and would lie if those words would not create an image inside her mind. As she checked the other girls in the room, she concluded she was not alone in that regard. Except for Kizmel, Yuuki, and Alice, the others were blushing or grinning heavily.
''For a good cheese, you want it to be sticky. If you take a younger cheese, you get a better-melted cheese sauce that is not overwhelming but is still sticky. If you take the older cheese, know that the taste can be overwhelming compared to the meat. You need to find a good balance between firmness of the meat and the age of the cheese.''
''Dp, just... stop. My jaws... they are hurting from... laughter,'' Kibaou pleaded while Heathcliff blocked another attack from the large plump of meat.
''You have to watch though. Sometimes, a lump of meat has been beaten too much and it lost all its tenderness. Right, Kibaou?'' Deadpool asked.
Kibaou's face turned tomato while the other players were laughing even louder before he walked away and grumbled, ''Fuck you, asshole.''
''Sorry for that interruption. Sometimes, you have to make a choice about which meat you want to use. Do not be afraid to say what you desire,'' He continued to say while the cheese sauce had turned perfect. ''My sous-chefs, is my meat ready?''
''Yes, chef!'' Kirito answered as he ordered a fallback from his guild members. Heathcliff ordered a retreat as well, and under the laughter of at least sixty players, including the leader himself, the Aincrad Dragon Alliance retreated as well. *Teleports.*
''The cooking time of meat depends on what animal it is from. It is wise to experiment with the limitations and possibilities of your meat. What sauce does fit with it; how long do you have to beat it; how can you cook it tenderly; who deserves your meat? It is important as a true chef to learn this.'' Deadpool continued while standing on the meat monster, who was slowly burning to well done on the random wood sticks that lay scattered on the floor.
The purple color from the abomination slowly but surely changed to a perfect brown, and by the time it was perfectly brown and full of cheese sauce, its last healthbar shattered into oblivion. ''That was it for the third episode of Aincrad's Masterchef. Until next time. This is Deadpool, signing off!''
''This sure smells good. Thanks, Dp!'' Kirito said with a slice of well-cooked meat in his hand while walking on the stairs leading to the 25th floor.
''Oh, so you like Deadpool's meat, Kii-bou?'' Argo asked with a teasing grin.
Kirito blushed before he quickly answered, ''Very funny. I have you know, this is my meat now and it is delicious.''
Before he could regret those words, Argo leaned closer and whispered just loud enough for their guild members to hear, ''In that case, can I taste your meat?''
''I like to taste it too!'' Yuuki commented happily and purely.
''Sure, Yuuki. Here, take a bite,'' Kirito responded, already knowing Yuuki was still a child in that department.
''Can I have a piece as well, Onii-chan?'' Leafa asked, a small blush on her face although her intent was pure.
''I would like to compare our slices of meats as well, Kirito,'' Kizmel added.
While Kirito tried to figure out what to do, Deadpool rested his hands behind his head and thought, Ah, that's the life of a harem protagonist. But still...
Checking his menu, the Kirito Harem's objective was still 0/?. Deadpool had already saved 1278 players thus far, but he had not still found a recipe for chimichangas. There was still much work to do. But where could he find a helping hand?
Author notes:
This was it for chapter 11.
I have not much to say really. I was working on other objects, and I had little inspiration for this one. However, here is an update in the way I wanted it to be.
Hope you have enjoyed this chapter, and I will see you in the next one. Beyor out!