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Chapter Fifty-Nine
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Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
He thought that he would be terrified…
Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
He thought that he would be going insane at this point…
Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
But if anything, he became more determined.
Harry stared down at his previously scratching quill that was writing a list… After having paced the length of his room for the entire night - his thoughts bustling and full - Harry had sat down at his desk and began to write furiously, all the while avoiding looking that the new scar the was branded on his skin...
'To-Do List to Prepare in Killing Voldemort'
It was difficult to wrap his mind around the fact that he, Harry Potter, was planning the death of a man.
Harry grimaced to himself at the thought. Voldemort could hardly be considered a man. He was a murderer. Disgusting filth that killed needlessly. He killed women… children. Hell, he had even tried to kill Harry when he was only an infant!
He held no qualms in thinking that Voldemort deserved to die.
Harry only wished that he wasn't the one that had to do it…
And yet, Harry knew that it had always been his responsibility to kill Voldemort, anyway. Everyone was expecting him to… He was the 'Chosen One', after all. It was in the prophecy. It was his destiny.
His bargain with Death merely gave Harry that much more incentive to do it.
For his family to live, Tom Riddle had to die.
It was that simple… and yet, it was so much more complicated than that.
Harry pushed the thought aside as he stared down at the list he had created so far. His eyebrows furrowed as he stared seriously enough at the parchment paper that Harry was sure would bore a hole through it with his gaze alone.
1. Find a way to unblock my magical core.
His parents had told him that he had shown great potential at being a powerful wizard based off of his accidental magic at the young age of one. But his… upbringing… had blocked his powers somehow. Made him subconsciously ashamed to do magic by the hatred his uncle had drilled into his head. If he had any shot of killing Voldemort, he would need to unblock his magical core first.
The only trouble was, he had no idea of how he was going to go about doing that.
His parents seemed to think that it had something to do with accepting love within his life. But hadn't he done just that? Hadn't he thought just the other day that he had never been happier than when he was surrounded by the people he loved?
Of course, that was before everything in his life had gone to hell, as per usual.
Harry frowned, frustrated with himself by the way he had subconsciously blocked his own magical power from himself.
2. Find as many locations to Horcruxes as possible before the end of the year.
He would need Dumbledore's help with this one. He already knew that the Headmaster was looking. Had even confided in Harry by telling him that he had destroyed a Horcrux this last summer, already.
It was how he had come into possession of the Resurrection Stone.
Dumbledore was his best bet in finding the other Horcruxes. Because without him, Harry had no idea of where to even start...
3. Learn as many curses and spells as I can.
This task would be the easiest to accomplish. Especially when he got new defense spell books from Hermione that he could go over.
He already knew that Voldemort had vast knowledge and skill when it came to spellwork and magic. Harry would need to match that knowledge as best as he could. He only wished that he had listened to Hermione whenever she nagged him and Ron about studying over the years.
Merlin, he was such an idiot. He had always known that the darkest wizard of the age was out to get him. Why hadn't he taken his studies more seriously when he had the chance?
This deliberate choice could cost him the lives of his family… He hated himself for making it.
Harry bit his lip, his hand quivering as he debated on writing the next line… Harry sighed before he dipped his quill in the ink and wrote down the single name...
4. Ginny...
Harry set down his quill and threaded his fingers through his hair, pulling at the threads. He stared at the name, agonized.
It wouldn't be fair of him - it would be selfish, even - to want to stay with Ginny when he would undoubtedly become a target in the very near future…
Ginny was a Pureblood. She still had a chance. A chance of getting through the war without either side wanting to harm her.
And after the article written about her after the Hogwarts Unity Day Ball, a majority of the wizarding population thought that all Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley had was a meaningless fling.
They thought that he was actually in love with Hermione.
If he cut ties with Ginny now, she wouldn't be targeted for being close to him.
They wouldn't use her to get to him.
'Her family is known for being blood traitors,' His inner voice argued, passionately, 'The Weasley's would be involved in the war, either way!'
Harry gritted his teeth, trying to ignore the logic.
Just because the rest of the Weasley's would be involved in the war, doesn't mean that Ginny would have to be.
Harry rolled his eyes at himself in indignation at that piece of 'logic'. This was Ginny he was thinking about. There was no way she would be keen to sit on the sidelines. Especially when her family would actively be involved in the war.
Especially when he would be actively involved in the war.
Harry groaned in anguish. "Merlin, why is this so bloody difficult?!"
He felt the urge to break something. To completely destroy a meaningless object just so he could get rid of some of this pent up frustration.
What was it that Ginny had told him during his first visit to her dorm room?
"Who knew that Harry Potter's secret downfall is teenaged girls?"
Merlin… if only he had known back then how true those words would ring for him… with only one slight modification. After all, there was only one teenaged girl that affected him so much…
Harry's eyes widened significantly as the breath was sucked out of his lungs. It felt as though he were just kicked in the gut. As though someone had punched through his chest and had a vice grip on his heart...
Who was the one person he would give up everything for? Who was the one person Voldemort could use to really get to Harry? One threat towards Ginny's life and Harry would be sure to come running… He wouldn't even hesitate. He wouldn't even create a plan of action. He would run straight into any trap. He would willingly sacrifice his own life just to save her...
"Ginny is my weakness…" Harry breathed.
'But she is also your strength!' His inner voice argued right back.
Harry covered his eyes with both hands, trying to rub away the stress as he thought over both warring sides.
It was true that Ginny was his strength. She made him want to keep fighting. Kept him going. Being with her was easy… as easy as breathing. Like they were meant to be together.
Harry wasn't much of a believer in fate, but with Ginny, it was the closest he got to accepting fate to be valid and real.
Merlin, he loved her…
Harry's hands fell from his face as his eyes widened…
Love…
Dumbledore had always said that Harry would need love in order to defeat Voldemort. That it was the 'power he knew not' from the prophecy.
Harry's heart started thudding in his own ears.
He needed Ginny.
But even though the revelation was everything that Harry had hoped for, he still found himself hesitating…
Harry could always keep Ginny in his heart, no matter if they were together or not. He loved her whether he was standing right beside her or if he were a million miles away.
Harry sat back in his seat, staring hard at Ginny's name on the parchment paper.
So now the question remained…
Did he choose to love Ginny and stay with her? Or did he choose to still love Ginny but break up with her?
Harry bit his lip, tears started welling in his eyes. The real question was if he was strong enough to let her go or not…
He looked inward, trying to find that strength. He searched long and hard, a large part of him desperate to find it… only to find it seriously lacking.
Sniffing, Harry wiped away the wetness from his cheeks before he lifted the quill from on top of the desk…
And promptly crossed Ginny's name off of the list.
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A/N: Whew, guys… that was so angsty. But that's Harry, so…Anyway, I just realized that I haven't done a chapter in Ginny's POV in such a long time! So, that will be happening in the next chapter.
I hope that you guys don't get too angry with Harry… Like I said, he is just a ball full of brooding angst. But can you blame him?
And I'm also sorry that this chapter is so short. But it felt like a good place to leave off. Especially with the transitioning point of views.
Please leave a review? :)
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