Responsibility

Tony sighed a little. He was standing in what was once his living room. The glass front separating him from all of Manhattan. This building… this apartment… they were meant to be home, at first, but… first they had lost Ginny right here and then… then Ultron had happened right here. Tony hadn't felt safe anymore, spending more and more time at the Compound. And when Pepper, who had helped design and built the tower, had left him, he had lost all interest in the place. Moving suddenly sounded like the best idea in the world.

"Tony?"

He froze and turned around to look at exactly the woman he had just been thinking about. Pepper was standing there, looking worried and tired.

He gave her a weak smile in greeting.

"Do you have a moment?", she asked.

"For you? Of course."

"I heard… I heard about what happened. About Cap and… Harry."

Tony's smile vanished. He didn't want to talk about Harry. His mind was still reeling from Sirius' visit. He had been angry. Indignated by Sirius' sheer… how dare that man presume to understand anything?!

But now? The anger had gone, leaving a deep, dark hollow in his chest.

Sirius had struck more than one nerve and so had Harry.

But then again: he had asked for it. He had struck the first blow. Telling Harry his opinion didn't matter because he was adopted… he knew Harry would fire back with a vengeance. Knew his little brother's temper would not be contained.

He had been angry at himself, too, in a way and he wanted Harry to tell him just how horrible he was.

Self Punishment. Self harm. In a way. A bit like those people who provoked others to shoot them. Suizid by proxy.

He had regretted it almost the second he'd said it, but it had been too late and there had been nothing for him to do, but stare in shock and horror at Harry, as he delivered the most punishing blows Tony had ever gotten.

He had already been more than just mad, when he had come to talk to Harry. To talk, he had told himself.

But then he had seen the pictures all around. Harry had EVERYTHING. He had amazing kids, a loving girlfriend, most of the team… Tony was left with Vision, who wasn't exactly the most helpful dude on the planet, Rhodey, who had already proven that he was the kind of person to leave Tony when things didn't go his way, Natasha and Black Panther, who weren't REALLY on his side… and a 15 year old kid.

And Harry… Harry had it all.

Tony had wanted to know where exactly he had gone so wrong, so he had struck Harry where it hurt the most and waited to swallow his bitter pill.

And then he had been left in the darkness, everyone gone… and felt like puking.

"No one should have heard about Harry."

"Oh. No. It wasn't on the news. But… it said something about an unknown, powerful individual. I just… guessed."

"Oh."

"How are you doing?"

He felt like giving a snarky, mean reply for a second. 'That's how you push them away' he heard his mother say.

"Crappy.", he answered instead.

"Are you guys talking?"

"Not yet. But… I have a plan."

She raised one eyebrow but didn't ask and Tony wasn't going to volunteer anything.

Tony sighed, suddenly so exhausted, he thought he might not be able to stand for much longer, so he let himself slide down onto the floor. There was nothing left to sit on. He looked down at his clasped hands, when he felt Pepper sit down next to him. They sat in silence for a bit.

"I was thinking, I… I might have been a bit unfair. To you."

At Pepper's words Tony turned his head to look at her, his brain trying to wrap itself around what she had just said.

"I… I think maybe we should… try again.", Pepper continued and her voice became so quiet and soft at the end that Tony wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be okay… but at the same time he really… didn't want to.

"I don't think that's a good idea.", he told her instead, his voice harsher than he had anticipated.

Pepper winced like he had hit her, making a panicked move to get up, hindered by her high-heels. Tony grabbed her arm to stop her in mid-motion and pulled her back down.

"I love you, Pepper. I do. And we need to talk about this or it will always just… be there."

She was just looking at him, her face an unmoving mask, her eyes wide. Unblinking. Shiny.

"I think the truth is that we…", he stopped, unsure as to how to phrase this, "I think that we are both more in love with an idea, than with each other."

"What?", her voice made it clear that she was more than a little offended by that statement.

"We have know each other for years, Pepper, but… I don't think we are good for each other. There are things in a relationship, I think, where you really need to be on the same page. Not all of them. Of course not. Differences are great. But there are some key aspects and we will just never come to an understanding there."

Silence. Tony closed his eyes, unsure if he really wanted to hear Pepper's response.

"Like what?", she asked, her voice scalding.

Tony reached into his pocket nervously and found some bubble gum, offering one to Pepper, who completely ignored his gesture.

He sighed. There were some things he could say here. Some things he had been holding in the back of his mind for years. But he had thought these things to be normal… relationships needed compromise, he had told himself. But… he had seen other ways. The night he had gone out with Harry and Steve had started the process of him realizing something very important about Pepper and him.

"I honestly think that you are in love with an idea of me.", he told her bluntly, "But not with me, really. And that is understandable. Kinda. There are a lot of things I think I need to work on and some I hope I am making progress on. I am trying to figure out what kind of person I want to be and CAN be and I don't think I can manage that when… when I have someone telling me who THEY think I should be. And I don't even really just mean you, but mostly… yes. And I love you. I do. And I WANT you to be the right person for me and I WANT to be that person for you. But I am not. And neither are you."

Tony stopped, nervously unpacking his bubble gum. Pepper, for her part, stayed completely silent.

Had he said too much? He had hurt her, he knew he had… but… he needed to tell her now.

"You think I don't love you?", she finally asked.

"I think you want to. Just like I want to. But no. In the end, I don't think you do."

"You are wrong.", she told him forcefully.

"Maybe.", he shrugged, "And if that's true, then I am sorry for causing you more pain, but it doesn't change what I just said."

And it really, really didn't. He could see Ginny in front of him, telling Harry not to be an ass while simultaneously just accepting Harry's decision to leave the ministry and even helping him pack. He saw Harry shrug and tell him Johanna didn't care, if he went clubbing, because she just trusted him. And then there was Pepper sitting next to him, getting angry because he drove a fast car, like he had always done. Leaving him, when he needed her the most, trying to change SI's direction… Rhodey, telling him to get his head straight instead of being there…

Tony knew he wasn't like Harry and he didn't want to be… but he wanted to be the kind of person people trusted and he wanted people by his side who were ready to trust him, as well. And somehow he really doubted one of those people could be Pepper.

"I am sorry, Pepper, but I think we are both better off apart."

She just looked at him, her face slightly red in anger. She didn't know what to say and neither did Tony.

"Mr Stark, I am sorry to interrupt, but the baby monitor went off.", Friday's voice cut through the uncomfortable silence and Tony was on his feet, before she had even finished.

Peter. The kid was in trouble. Again.

"Tony!", Pepper called after him, but Tony didn't wait. Maybe he was a shitty boyfriend. A lousy friend. A burden of a brother. A disappointing uncle. But no way in hell would he let something happen to the kid.

And even though he felt guilty for ending such a long relationship with so few words, he felt like everything had been said.