Hi guys! This chapter is another experiment, and I hope you like it. I did not write the first part, the first letter. My lovely Beta Fel did. I only got to read it tonight while posting this. I wrote the second letter, though. Please excuse any mistakes, since Fel didn't read my part, either. We both wrote these letters months ago, right after the big fight between Harry and Tony and now seems the right time within the story to post them. It has been so long since we updated, so the mext two chapters will be a bit pf a reentry into where we are and what happened. Have fun!

Dear Harry No, this isn't an entry in my diary.

Dear Brother I sound like Thor. I SHALL WRITE TO HIM, FOR I DESPAIR!

….

….

Harry.

If you're reading this I'm dead. I can spontaneously think of a multitude of reasons why that might be, so I'm just gonna go ahead and assume it wasn't pleasant or of old age. My funeral is taken care of, the music selected and no, nobody can stop me from requesting Iron Man.

But that's not why I'm writing this. In this line of work it can all be over pretty soon. So I want to make sure that I get to say what I wanna say.

First of all, I'm sorry. Incredibly sorry. I said something absolutely awful to you and I knew it. I did it to hurt you, to hit you in your worst fear and I knew what I was doing.

Second of all, I'm a stubborn, arrogant ass. I have always known that. What I didn't know or rather didn't think about was how that affected other people. I thought that because I'm incredibly smart, I also automatically knew what was the right thing to do. One of the hardest things to do was to realize that that isn't true. Not even a little bit. I have made more mistakes than you have children and I have a feeling I will spend a lot of my mortal time on this earth paying for them. One day I will have to explain to a grown adult who maybe has kids of his own why I pulled him into my war. Why all of my smarts didn't make me stop and think about the consequences of making a 15 year old part of my army. I hated Dumbledore for pulling you into his war, his conflict and, in a way, his world. And now I have done the same. I was supposed to protect him as Dumbledore should have protected you. I have made many mistakes. That might be my worst one. There is no excusing that and I will spend the rest of mine and hopefully many decades of his life making it up to him.

But there is something I need to say as well.

You once said to me that I was being a crybaby because Daddy didn't love me enough, or something to that effect. However, you and I did not have the same father. I had Howard Stark, inventor, genius, father. You had Dad. When you came along, our relationship was already so fractured, it would have taken all we had to fix it. But I was too young and stupid to see that and Dad...well, I don't know why he gave up on me. Maybe he had decided I was one of his failed projects. I was something he did for Mom. I was the necessity for an heir. You WEREN'T a concession to his wife, something you just do after a certain age. He chose you. He wanted you. He listened to your stories about the mean boy next door and how his mom kept telling him to stay nice to you because you were important. You were his golden boy, his second chance. I was never angry at you for that. But I hated Dad for it. I always wanted to know why I wasn't enough.

And then Barnes took that from me. He took the answers, the questions, my parents, everything. So when you told me that you knew I just wanted to hurt you so much. As much as Barnes had hurt me that day. It felt like he took any chance I had to fix things with Dad and you, the son he always loved, supported and listened to, you said it was fine. You, with your perfect relationship with Mom and Dad, who did not have the questions and unspoken issues, you told me that I simply had to accept it. How could I? He took more than my parents. It's like he took a part of me.

So, no. It's not about Daddy not loving me enough. It's about being left with this feeling of not knowing and never being able to find out. It's about asking Daddy why I simply wasn't enough. Why I never merited his time, his attention. Why I just wasn't enough.

And that is the core problem, as I can tell you after many hours of therapy. This feeling of...helplessness? Unworthiness? I think it's why I just disappeared after Ginny's death. I felt like there was nothing I could have done. I just didn't know how. You had all these people, Molly and Arthur, Sirius and of course, Ron and Hermione. What would I have done they hadn't done already? I would have just sat there, not knowing what to say or do, how to console you, how to make you whole again. I just...wouldn't have been enough.

Or at least that is what I told myself. After even more hours of therapy I know that simply being there would have been enough. That going grocery shopping with the kids would have been 2 hours of silence and grief for you. Something you desperately needed.

I know now that this hole and emptiness inside of me can only be filled by me. Not by booze or a girlfriend or anybody. Out of a hundred situations a day, I still fuck up 95 of them. But those 5 situations where I think I'm doing the right thing are a start.

The reason I'm writing this is in case I never get to say those things to you, because we never managed to work things out. If anything happens to me, I want you to know why I did what I did. I want you to know that I love you. That I love your kids with all I have. That I would have loved to be a great uncle to them and that I'm sorry that I wasn't.

And that if Jimmy doesn't tell at least one fart joke at my funeral, I will haunt him forever.

Goodbye,

Tony

Dear Tony,

Let me start this letter in the traditional way: If you are reading this, it most likely means I am dead.

I have been thinking about writing this for a while now and I struggle to find the words, but with how we stand right now and how perilous both of our lives are, I don't want to risk leaving you without some final words.

At least in our relationship I want a chance for you to have some final resolution.

I miss you, big brother, I do.

I am saddened by how we last parted, but I am also not too surprised by it.

It is not that I don't understand how and why you chose to side with the Accords or your opinion on Bucky… I fear I understand just fine, but I still can't agree with it. Or, more importantly, come to grips with the repercussions you have so readily accepted.

All my life I have counted on you. I thought I knew you.

You had my back and I had yours.

During my school years I never thought I'd want kids. Or even get the chance. Then Teddy came along and I took comfort in the fact that whatever was going to happen to me, I could count on you to look after my kids, protect them. Love them.

Which is why I was so angry that you signed the Accords. That you said Lily was dangerous. That you thought people with powers needed to be registered.

I would have trusted you with the most important thing in the world: my children's well being. And logically I know that you love them. That you are my brother and would do everything for them, but at the same time there is this little nagging voice, that has been there ever since I can remember.

That voice, that reminds me that before I became Harry Stark, I was a scared, lonely little boy hidden away in a cupboard. For being different. Being a freak. Being dangerous. And I was supposed to be looked after by another sibling. By my mother's sister. How would she have felt, I sometimes wonder.

And now that old panic is back. Because if there is one thing I need for my kids, it is to always know that they are accepted and loved.

And this voice has been growing louder and louder, since you told me I was only adopted. I didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter.

I know you have had your fair share of insecurities when it comes to growing up. I know you felt Dad took so much more interest in me. And I, on the other hand, was often scared of not being enough. I wasn't a Stark, I thought, I wasn't as smart as you. Or Dad.

I told myself for a while that I overreacted that night. That the things I said about you were too harsh. And then I remember that you took my biggest, ugliest wound and didn't just pour salt in it. You obliterated everything surrounding it, too.

What do I do with this now, Tony?

Who and what am I to you?

What about my kids?

Where do they fit into your life now?

I know you visited Teddy and I am glad. I didn't ask him what happened, because that is simply between the two of you, but I can see that at least his worries seemed to have been lifted. But the others?

I never said you couldn't contact them, but they told me you didn't. Didn't send an owl to Hogwarts. Nothing.

After Ginny's death you said you'd never do that to them again, but you have abandoned them. And me.

I pray that even though I am gone, the kids are safe and sound with Jo.

Please be there for them now.

Please don't let fear or shame or anger or… anything keep you away.

They need you now and so do I.

I sincerely hope we can talk this out and this letter will never have to be read again, but at the same time I must admit, I just don't feel up to another confrontation. And I know that I would never be able to voice this, when standing opposite you with all these emotions running wild.

But whatever happens, remember:

I love you and you ARE my brother. No matter what.

Harry