"There's nothing to tell … 'n I wish you'd stop going on at me"

"Moll …" There was a warning note in Charles' voice as he shook his head "Okay, okay …. have it your way … I can't make you tell me …" He shrugged and turned back towards the larder then crouched to continue concentrating on looking for the beans "Just tell me one thing, are you pregnant?"

"WHAT? Where d'you get that come from? Why would you even think that?"

"I don't know …. Are you? Chloe said you were sick yesterday…"

Charles knew that she'd avoided answering the question, something that she was very good at when she set her mind to it.

"How did she know? For fuck sake, Charles, look at me … you can be sick without being pregnant … it was … just …I was relieved about Millie …"

Charles stopped rooting around amongst the tins in the cupboard and turned his head to look at her, a deep frown on his face before he stood up.

"Nope sorry, don't buy that … that is not what you do is it?"

"Yeah well … always a first time and none of them has ever done anything like that before … have they? They've never scared the living shit out of me like that …"

"Right … there is that I suppose …. But just tell me, if you're not pregnant, then what is it? What's going on, what's wrong, are you ill? Is that what this is about?"

"Nah …course I'm not … I'd tell you if I was"

"Would you? I'm seriously beginning to doubt it …. Just tell me Moll … you really are scaring me you know … come on, just spit it out …."

"You gotta promise me you won't be mad"

"Oh fuck … what is it?"

"Do you promise?"

"Alright, I promise …"

"When we got back from Italy … I had this …. l really thought …. I had this … bit of a problem …. when we was back from Italy … yeah already said that didn't I?"

"Tell me … will you just fucking well stop all this and tell me …?"

"Don't get mad …. it's alright now, you know, everything's all sorted … there's really nothing for you to worry about … let's just leave it can we?"

Molly's first instinct was to carry on trying to pretend that none of it at all had happened, she wanted more than anything to just be able to sweep it all under the rug. The longer it had gone on the more she'd been dreading getting to a point where she'd have to tell him, the feeling of easy camaraderie when she'd been able to tell him anything and everything seemed to have pissed off with the advent of Sasha into their lives and anyway this was different. She'd deliberately kept it from him. All those stupid fears that had always been there somewhere about being temporary in some way and that one day he'd be bound to wake up and look at her and wonder what the hell he was doing with someone like her, and it didn't matter how often she'd told herself she was the one he loved, or that he told her all the bloody time that he loved her and the children, she couldn't quite get rid of the little voice in her head that told her he could do a hell of a lot better without even trying. But she had believed him when he'd promised that Sasha was a lying conniving little bitch and that he'd never laid a finger on her, but in the dark of yet another sleepless night she hadn't been able to quite shake off the thought that she'd believed him because it was what she'd wanted to believe. Because the alternative was so bloody unthinkable. Hard as she tried to dismiss the thought, underneath she'd been shit-scared that bloody Sasha was living proof of her having been right all along.

It wasn't until they were half way through their holiday in Italy that she gave a name to the nameless dread that was making her so bloody irritable and picky with the kids, and with Charles. Where the fuck was her period? She'd finished her pills as usual but hadn't bothered noting what day or anything, it was never a problem because she was never late. You could set your bloody clock by it, five days on from the last pill, and then three, sometimes four days of being tired and crampy and a bit crabby and feeling like it was all too much effort when her insides were falling out. As well as having an even deeper than usual craving for chocolate. But now she couldn't seem to stop trying to count back the days, drumming her fingers on the table and trying to work it out as a grade A panic had her by the throat. She hadn't had any problems at all with the pill she'd been taking since Livvie, hadn't missed a single one, hadn't had a funny tummy or anything and had been really, really careful to do it properly. She'd always taken the bloody thing at the same time every single solitary day, had been almost paranoid about making sure because of not being like her mum and had been like it ever since Charles had refused to go and get seen to. She couldn't possibly be pregnant, so what the fuck was wrong with her? Eventually Charles had taken the kids to get ice cream and she'd taken advantage to have a quick squint at Google just to see what other explanations there were. But it was no fucking help at all, if anything it just made everything a whole lot worse. According to Google there were two distinct possibilities, one said congratulations you've got yourself caught, and the other one that said go and get a stick and pee on it and see if you can rule that out because you might have some form of something horrible, can't even rule out cancer. Which frightened the bloody shit out of her. If ever she'd regretted looking something up it was then, especially as there was no way she was going to be able to ditch Charles and the kids and go to an Italian Pharmacy on her own to ask for a test. She had no idea what the Italian was for pregnancy test and couldn't imagine what sort of sign language she'd need to explain what it was she was after.

Not since Molly had been a teenager in east Ham had she spent quite so much time trying to convince herself that she was worrying about her period for nothing nor had she spent so much time trying to make bargains with God or Lady Luck or whoever else might be listening. She couldn't seem to stop running to the loo to check, in fact she went so often she was surprised Charles didn't notice, didn't ask if she had a bad tummy or something. And every time she pulled her knickers down she'd close her eyes and pray there'd be that tell-tale little spot of blood that would tell her she could stop worrying and start enjoying her holiday. And every time there was nothing, she'd be left begging the gods to please just make it that her period was a little bit on the late side and in return she'd never, ever again tell lies or ignore the god squad when they knocked at the door. She'd give all her money to the homeless man with the dog outside Lidl and would be nice to her dad, and she'd even listen to Penny without rolling her eyes. And she'd definitely never, ever risk anything ever again, would insist Charles used a condom as well as her taking her pill, although right at that moment she couldn't imagine ever wanting sex again. Ever.

She knew logically that none of that would actually make any bloody difference at all to anything, but still couldn't seem to stop doing it, the whole thing made her want to scream and shout and do a Millie, to lie on the floor and drum her heels and cry and yell that it wasn't fair. And she couldn't wait to get home to sort what needed to be sorted.

At the beginning she hadn't said anything to him because of not wanting to see the look on his face that said he was happy about something that made her want to yell and scream and tell him she was absolutely bloody sure that happy was the last thing she was. And she didn't want to tell him that she wasn't even sure that she was going to go through with it.

But all that had been weeks ago now and despite the way he kept asking she still hadn't been able to tell him what was wrong even though she knew how much she was worrying him, or rather how much she was pissing him off. And the longer she put it off, the harder it got, until it felt impossible to say anything. She hadn't even said anything to him when not that long after they'd got home all her prayers had been answered She'd had this pain, well actually it had been there on and off ever since they'd got off the plane in Milan, a sort of dull ache in the side of her tummy that hadn't been bad enough to have to take pain killers or anything and thankfully hadn't got any worse, but that hadn't gone away either. And as Charles had just pointed out she'd been sick a bit as well, which had bothered her, especially once she knew it wasn't that she was pregnant. She hadn't got around to doing anything about any of it when the pain she'd had for weeks suddenly seemed to shift itself one morning and got a whole lot worse on the drive back from school. She'd managed to get herself home somehow and had curled up in bed till it was time to go back and fetch them again and had lied to Sam. She'd had no choice. She'd told him she'd got a bad head, said it was a migraine and Sam had been an absolute star. He hadn't pointed out that she didn't get migraines, but had just done what she wasked and watched Livvie for her after the trip to the loo had told her everything that she'd needed to know. That she'd got exactly what she'd wanted when she'd been making all those bargains.

But instead of feeling euphoric with relief that she hadn't got to go and see anyone or do anything that was frightening and felt a bit wrong, she was left feeling incredibly sorry for herself which didn't make any sense. But it felt like it was all her fault. Not that she'd actually done anything except for wishing the whole thing would just go away, and that was exactly what had happened, but knowing there was nothing for her to feel guilty about didn't stop the horrible feeling of being responsible. And she couldn't seem to say anything to Charles. She didn't want to see the look on his face. He'd been shattered the last time it had happened and she hadn't really shared any of that with him either. She'd just put her arms round her misery and hugged it to herself, had shut him out and kept telling him she was fine. She had to because if she started telling him she'd fall apart, but after they'd moved to the Barn they'd finally talked about it properly and she'd promised him faithfully that she would never, ever shut him out like that again. But that was exactly what she'd done. And this time there was this tiny nugget of Sasha induced fear in the mix, fear that he might think it was all for the best.

And the bloody pain in her side was still niggling away whenever she thought about it, which she tried her best not to do. She didn't want to tell him about that either.

There was the sort of silence that people describe as being able to hear a pin drop when she'd finished giving him the edited highlights, where she'd very carefully minimised the whole bloody thing, suddenly knowing as soon as the words started tumbling from her lips just how hurt he was going to be. She knew how she'd feel if it was the other way round and he'd kept a secret like that from her. She'd never ever be able to forgive him.

Charles swallowed hard and blinked a couple of times before slowly shaking his head, suddenly wondering whether there was any way his day could possibly get any worse.

"Not a word … not a single solitary fucking word Moll … all this time and not …"

Of course he'd known there was something, it would have been hard to miss that there was something not right with Molly, but this was a complete bolt out of the blue. Wherever his mind had been for the past few weeks, he hadn't had a clue what had been going on with her. Yes, he'd known full well there was something, but this? Nothing like this.

"I'm sorry …. I know I was wrong and I should have told you…but … I didn't … and then it got hard to say anything … everything were a bit shit and me head was all over the shop … and please say something … don't be mad at me …please"

"I'm not mad at you …" Charles swallowed hard, knowing as well as she did that he was lying, he wasn't only angry, he was incredibly hurt "Hard to believe you didn't tell me, I didn't think we had those sort of secrets …. I thought that we'd agreed not to have any secrets at all … seems I was wrong … seems I've been wrong about a lot of things lately …"

"I've said I'm sorry …. And I am … I really am, I don't know what else I can say … I wish I could go back and change it but I can't now, can I?" Molly gulped "Don't matter how much I wish I could"

"What did the doctor have to say?" He saw the little shake of her head as she bit her lip "Please tell me you did at least go and see him?"

"Nah …. I didn't have to go and see him, did I? There was no need and what would I say? Sorry doctor but me period was a bit late and then it was a bit on the heavy side… but it's all alright now … I mean what do you expect him to do?"

"Maybe just make sure that you're okay" Charles wanted to scream at her "But just out of interest, Moll .. were you ever going to tell me or were you going to do the whole thing on your own?"

"Do what on my own? There was nothing to do, is there and course I was gonna tell you …."

Charles raised his eyebrows in slight disbelief and said nothing.

"Yeah alright, you're right, I probably wouldn't have …. I'm sorry but I thought you was gonna be mad at me and the more I never said anything the more I just wanted it all to go away … I'm sorry"

"I'm not mad at you …"

"Yeah you are …"

"Alright maybe you're right … I am a tad upset, but it's more I'm disappointed Moll…. Not because … well I am, of course I am … but I can't believe all that was going on and you didn't tell me, I feel …. I don't know what I feel, except that I let you down … that I fucked up …"

"You? Nah … you didn't do anything … it was me …. I was the one panicked and fucked everything up … I'm sorry … I wish I hadn't … but I did"

"I know ….… Doctor first thing tomorrow"

"Nah … Charles .. really …there's no point"

"Maybe not, but … just humour me, okay? Shall I come with you?"

"What? Drag me there like I'm one of the kids? You saying you don't trust me to go on me own is that it?"

"Of course I trust you ….." Charles wasn't sure anymore whether that was true "Just promise me that you'll do it … do it for me?"

"Well, I was gonna say it's not that easy to get an appointment just like that … probably have to wait a few days but I promise I'll try"

"Try really hard … okay?" Charles made a concerted effort to try and smile before he crouched down again and began shuffling tins around on the bottom shelf of the larder looking for the distinctive colour of the baked bean tins, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to hug her or not "I'd better get on and do this gourmet lunch, or maybe I should yell for Sam, it'd be good practice for him"

"He told you then?"

"Yup … must say it'll be bloody useful to have one person in this family who can cook … it'll make a nice change"

"I can cook …" Molly giggled, relieved that he seemed to be going for a deliberate change of subject even though their conversation was strained to say the least "I might not be the best at it … but then neither are you"

"Can you really? Cook I mean? I haven't seen any evidence of that …" Charles ignored what she'd said about his own abilities in the kitchen, which were actually on a par with hers.

"Fuck off … you're no better at it … what do you think of this idea of Sam's?"

"If that's what he wants …"

"Lady Penelope isn't gonna like it"

"Well there is that …" He chuckled "Every cloud and that …."

"Charles, that's not funny …"

"Yes it is"

He was still picking up tins and moving them about but without really seeing any of them clearly. Every instinct was telling him to go for a long run on his own, to get away from all of it and use the time doing what he'd always done when he needed to think things through. He needed to lose himself in a punishingly hard run, he needed to run until he was dripping with sweat and at the same time trying to sort his head out. He wasn't sure how he felt about any of it, Sam, and all this shit with Molly, her keeping something so important from him was something that filled him with a sense of betrayal and he needed to get away and think about what the fuck had been going on with his family while he hadn't been taking enough notice. It all seemed to have fallen apart around him while he'd been so bloody wrapped up in his own issues that he hadn't even noticed.

-OG-

"He says I gotta have a scan … you know, just to make sure everything's okay …"

On the whole Molly was glad she was sitting in the car in the surgery car park on her phone rather than face to face with him, she was going to have to get her face under some sort of control before she saw him. The last thing she wanted was for him to see that she'd been crying. She'd been sitting there for ages torturing herself by jumping to a whole lot of very frightening conclusions that hadn't been helped by the bland non-committal expression on the bloody man's face when she'd asked him why he thought she needed a scan. It had scared her shitless that he hadn't really given her any possible explanations for the pain that wasn't that bad but that wouldn't go away, not completely. The pain that she still hadn't said a word about to Charles. And then she'd moved from deciding on the worst possible diagnosis to doing her best to work out who was going to help him look after the children if something happened to her.

It was another fucking secret that she wished she hadn't kept. And this was as if she'd deliberately lied to him, she'd had every chance to tell him about it when she'd told him the rest and she hadn't. But as soon as she'd mentioned it casually to the doctor and he'd immediately said about the scan she'd started shitting herself. As soon as she'd opened her mouth and said it out loud, it had stopped being something she could tell herself was her imagining it and became real, something that was going to frighten the shit out of him as much as it did her.

"Just got to do a hand over here then I'll be on my way, what time do we have to be there? I'll give mum a call and she can come over to see to the kids .."

"Hang on … there's no point coming rushing home … the surgery are gonna call when they've sorted an appointment …but that could take days, and anyway you don't have to come with me you know …. I'm a big girl now…."

"I know you are … and I know I don't have to come with you but I want to … okay?" He ran his hand over the back of his neck, she'd sent him a text to say she'd managed to get an appointment and it had been a very long morning.

"Yeah okay …" Molly paused, suddenly unsure whether to say the words she always used to say when she rang him at work. Everything still felt a bit strained, but on the other hand she really didn't want to go on her own, even though she knew there was a good chance he was going to find out she hadn't been entirely honest "I do love you"

"Ditto …"

"Ditto?" Molly did her best to produce a giggle that she hoped would sound genuine as she repeated the words they'd so often said to one another over the years "I was expecting something a bit more romantic than ditto …"

"Be grateful for what you get …" Charles snorted a short laugh down his nose "You'll have to wait until I get home if you want something a bit more romantic … now there are a lot of people here who are listening and the last thing I want is for them to think I'm a soft touch"

Molly could hear the smile in his voice, something that had been missing ever since he'd pushed her into making an appointment to see the doctor. They'd been nice to one another for the rest of the day, had been kind and considerate and patient with the children, even when Millie and Marcus had reverted to their usual bickering over the Lego and had smiled at each other a lot, but she knew that no matter how good he was at hiding behind a mask, he was hurt. There was a gulf opened up between them which she hadn't got the first idea how to heal. But she couldn't keep on begging him not to be angry or keep on saying sorry, not when it already felt like she'd been saying it till she was purple in the face and he just kept on telling her not to worry and that everything was okay, but this was the first time he sounded as if he was himself.

"Course you are … there's not a lot of people know that about you … but I 'spect them lot do …"

"Rubbish …. they're all afraid of me ….and with very good reason" Molly could hear the chuckle in his voice as he dropped his voice until he was almost whispering, trying to make sure no-one could overhear "Call me if they call you … promise?"

"Yeah .… I will … bye …"

"Promise me?"

"Yeah, I promise"

-OG-

A/N: Thanks to everyone who is still following this and sorry for the long delay in updating … as you know I got caught up in writing something else at the same time (always a bit of a mistake) and have had to be very strict with myself about putting that to one side to concentrate on my little family in the Barn … thank you for your reviews and kind comments and I know this chapter was a bit intense and angsty but I promise that things can only get better .. and thanks as usual to my mate Flossy for all her unstinted patience and support … and her ability to tell me when to get over myself …