A/N: Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews and kind comments – the Barn is somewhere that keeps drawing me back, I get this urge to see how they're doing and what is going on in their lives – I know, they are fiction, but sometimes they seem as real to me as people I actually know … sad case … and as usual huge thanks to Flossy.
-OG-
If anyone had asked her before today Molly knew she'd have told them that she'd be over the bloody moon if the whole sodding nightmare was just gone, if it was over and done with, but she wasn't. Maybe because it was freezing cold outside and lovely and warm in the car but instead of feeling like singing and dancing, she couldn't stop bloody yawning. She was having a hard job to keep her bloody eyes open, they were sore and stinging from watering so much and all she could feel was this overpowering urge to give in and just close them. Rest them and switch her brain off, give that a little rest and all. It seemed like a lifetime since she'd last been able to just have a proper sleep and not worry about anything.
Even when she'd been worn out from the kids, or run ragged all day by everything else it hadn't been enough, maybe because it had been playing on her mind the whole time and not even scrubbing every square inch of the sodding kitchen every day had helped, well except for her kitchen floor had never been so fucking clean. It hadn't mattered it wasn't a tad grubby, she'd kept on cleaning it over and over until you could probably have eaten your dinner off it if you'd wanted to. It had really seemed to matter that she could put her hand on her heart and swear there wasn't a single speck of grot anywhere. Not that anyone apart from her gave a single shit, but cleaning was what she did when she felt she had no other control over what was happening, she'd always done it. It had been her go to right from when she was a kid in east Ham because somehow it had helped her feel she was doing something, and even though she'd known it was total bollocks she hadn't been able to stop and looking back now she could see it might have been being just a tad obsessive. It had never been going to do much to help, had it? But to be fair it always used to make her feel tons better, just not this time. And then, no matter how bloody knackered she was, she couldn't sleep. She'd drop off okay, would fall asleep before the springs hit the floor but would wake up in a muck sweat from dreams that scared the shit out of her, then couldn't risk it closing her eyes again. In case they came back. She'd just lie there in the dark and wait out for it to be time to get up again, trying not to move about and fidget because there was no point in disturbing Charles and him being awake as well. Night after night of the exact same thing.
And now her eyes were so flaming heavy that she couldn't help just resting them for a second to stop the stinging, and next thing she knew she was trying to force her slitty eyes open again outside the Barn. She'd been asleep, had bloody gone out like a light and had slept the whole way home but without even talking to him about what the fuck they were going to say to his bloody mother, let alone agreeing.
"Oh … sorry… shit … shitting hell … sorry … think I nodded off" She ran a hand over her face and did her best to sit up straight and open her eyes properly, she was trying to sort of look as though she was wide awake, which wasn't exactly easy when her eyes still felt like lead.
"Really? I hadn't noticed … not until you started snoring anyway"
"I don't snore … 'n you shouldn't of let me…"
"Why not? Early night tonight for you I think Dawsey … come on, deep breath and chin up, it's no good keep trying to put it off … sooner or later we've got to go in and face the General's report, we're going to have to find out what crimes have been committed and which of our little treasures is guilty of what … my money's on Millie"
"Really? Why ever would you think that?"
"I have no idea"
He was still laughing as he walked round to her side of the car and then stood with his hand on top of the open door waiting patiently for her to get out. Now that the whole bloody nightmare was over and the adrenaline that had been flooding him earlier had drained away he felt almost as exhausted as Molly obviously had, and coupled with a profound sense of relief he could think of nothing he'd like better than to just put his head down and close his eyes. But the smile on his face belied the sinking sensation in his guts, if there was one thing his mother was outstandingly good at, it was airing unspoken disapproval. Over the years she'd been left in no doubt that airing criticisms of Molly wasn't going to get her anywhere, that he'd always refuse to listen to a single word of it, but her feelings would be plain to see. It would be written all over her face that she wasn't at all happy that they hadn't actually told her why they needed her to babysit.
But Molly wasn't making any move to get out of the car, her seat belt was still fastened and she was looking up at him with red-rimmed eyes full of anxiety and an appalled expression on her face. She was actually bloody furious with herself, what the fuck had she thought she was doing dropping off and having a nice little sleep like that, when they hadn't even begun to sort what the fuck they were going to say to the old trout? She couldn't believe she could be so stupid or that he could have let her. He knew as well as she did that the old hag was nosy as fuck at the best of time, and now for the second time in as many hours Molly had this horrible feeling of a tidal wave of doom coming for her, one she couldn't begin to outrun. It was not going to be easy to fob the old bag off, it wasn't like they could pretend it was nothing unusual for them to ask her to look after the kids, not when it was usually an over my dead body kind of thing.
"You will keep your trap bloody shut, won't you? Don't say anything, nothing at all, not about any of it, not to her, not a bloody dickie … I don't want you to tell her… alright?"
"Hey, hey hold on, whoa … I'm not about to say anything to her … why would I? Give me some credit, Moll … it's none of her fucking business … I know that"
She could see from the look on his face that she'd really hurt him, an expression that he quickly masked with his usual dead-pan expression before he ran a hand over the top of his head. But even before she'd finished having her panic and saying all that shit, Molly wished she could take the words back. That really wasn't fair. It wasn't like he was given to running his bloody mouth to anyone, but especially not his mother, and now she'd opened her big gob and said stuff that had hurt him because she hadn't been thinking properly. Actually, she was dead sorry about all of it, everything, for the whole way things had been recently. No matter what he thought, it wasn't that she didn't love him anymore, or trust him not to do things or say things or anything like that, nothing had changed, it was just sometimes she forgot. How much she loved him had got lost somewhere. It had all been so shit since the summer, one bloody thing after the other and she'd stopped noticing they didn't laugh together anymore like they used to. Everything had been a bit crap, he missed the army and hated his job and she'd known how he felt even if he didn't tell her very much, he didn't want her to worry she knew that, and there'd been all the trouble with Sam and then Millie and there'd been that Sasha stuff and then Italy and now all this shit. But sharing your life with someone the way they had and for as long as they had meant lives got tangled up together and they had been happy. Really happy. And sad sometimes, and ill, and worried and all the rest, even sometimes had been very drunk together so it was bloody hard now thinking how she'd deliberately set out to hide stuff from him. And that she still wasn't telling him everything.
"You and I on the other hand have got a lot more talking to do, lady, we're going to have to make some changes round here …" He ran his hand through the curls on the back of his neck, tugging at them "But not till she's gone home"
"Sorry … I never meant … I just … reckon it'd do me nut in if I 'ad to talk about it anymore right now" She wanted to add especially to your bloody mother. She doesn't think I'm good enough for you as it is, never has, and I don't want to give her any more excuses to think I'm rubbish. But saying anything else would risk making more waves than she already had.
-OG-
"Thanks Mum … everything been okay?"
"DADDY"
Mille had been at the kitchen table kicking the table leg in a deliberate attempt to be annoying while she re-arranged the coloured pencils in her pencil box with a decidedly sulky expression on her face. Until she caught sight of him and clambered off her chair in a desperate rush to get to him, dropping the pencil box and totally ignoring the way pencils were rolling everywhere and clattering to the floor. She flung her arms round him and buried her head in his stomach for all the world as if she hadn't seen him for months.
"Hey Button … careful"
The impact of her bullet-hard head going crashing into his stomach made him wince and take an involuntary step backwards.
It was just by chance that it had already been arranged for Marcus to play with a friend after school, which was one less for Molly to worry about, she knew Marcus wouldn't be happy being left with his grandmother, but Sam was conspicuous by his absence so was presumably hiding upstairs somewhere. He hadn't mentioned plans to be out, but that didn't mean he hadn't changed his mind and got out of the firing line when Penny had appeared. Chloe had apparently been wrestling with a homework task and had been frowning and chewing on her bottom lip in a brilliantly acted display of puzzled concentration. It was an act she had perfected and was one Molly didn't buy for a single second, so the performance, which had been for her Grandmother's benefit, stopped and instead she heaved a deeply martyred sigh and began to pick up the pencils.
"Have you been a good girl for your Gran?"
Charles knew it was a bloody ridiculous thing to ask even as he said it, that even if she'd been a complete little monster she wasn't going to tell him that, was she? He didn't know why he'd said it, maybe in the vain hope that there'd been some sort of minor miracle and Millie had spent the time polishing her halo. Highly unlikely as that was. Millie was frantically nodding her head and clinging to him like a limpet before she moved it in order to narrow her eyes and glare over her shoulder at her sister. To give Chloe what Molly called the evils.
Chloe completely ignored whatever the message was that Millie was trying to send and made a big production out of heaving a big sigh and dramatically closing the lid on Millie's pencil box. There was an air of self-righteous anticipation about her as she took a deep breath and prepared to launch into filling him in on whatever the fuck had been going on. It was bloody obvious to him from Millie's welcome and the look she'd just given Chloe that something had, and the way Chloe was almost bursting with a need to tell him all about it from somewhere on the moral high ground. None of it was in any way an unusual situation where the two of them were concerned, but it was one that made his heart sink every time. Molly always insisted it was totally normal between sisters, that she and her two had been far, far worse. However, growing up as an only child, he loathed it. He'd have loved to have had brothers, or a sister or two, almost as much as Molly always insisted she'd have killed to be an only when she was growing up.
"No she wasn't Daddy … she was dead naughty … she was rude to Gran … and Gran bought us some sweets and Millie spat hers out…said they tasted like poo and that she hated them and they made her feel sick … and then ..." Chloe had to stop speaking to take a much needed breath.
"TELL TALE TIT …. I hate you Chloe … we all hate you … EVERYONE does"
"Stop it … Millie, stop that this minute, you don't mean it so please don't say it … have you forgotten already what I said to you the other day? No-one hates anyone in this family … now pack it in, both of you"
"But that's not fair, Daddy … I didn't do anything … I haven't done anything … you can ask Gran if you don't believe me, it was Millie was naughty, not me … and that's not fair … she always gets away with stuff … Mummy... it's not fair …" Chloe's voice was now a high pitched wail about it all being unfair.
"I know … later Clo …we'll talk about it later on …but that's enough now … go 'n stick the kettle on for me there's a good girl, I'm gagging for a cuppa …"
Molly pulled her best and 'shut the fuck up NOW' face at Chloe who was huffing and muttering furiously to herself at the unfairness of her parents at the same time as treating Millie to her own version of the evils. Molly actually had every sympathy with her, she could still distinctly remember what it felt like to have no-one want to listen to her when the others had been naughty, it used to seem like they only wanted to listen when it was her was the naughty one. But ask her Gran? Not a fucking chance in hell. There was no way she was going to ask the old trout anything, or even get into any of it in front of her, not if she could help it. Whatever had gone on she could do without having to sort it with Penny still sitting there with that sour look on her face. Judging. And you could bet your sweet life it wouldn't be Golden Balls getting any share of the blame, he was always bleeding perfect as far as his mum was concerned, could never do anything wrong for her. His mum that wasn't showing any sign of thinking of going home.
Charles was pretending not to hear what Millie was muttering furiously into his stomach, and put his hand out to ruffle Chloe's hair, and smiled sympathetically at her as she jerked her head away indignantly. Molly rolled her eyes at him and plucked a grizzling and decidedly less than fragrant Livvie out of her highchair, and cpouldn't help raising her eyebrows and carefully not looking at Penny, seemed her idea of babysitting didn't quite stretch to changing shitty bums. Charles who was still wearing Millie round his waist put his hands out to take her and Molly bit her lip and tried not to laugh at his sharp intake of breath at the smell emanating from a blissfully unaware Livvie. She had no idea she was ripe enough to be making eyes water but immediately stopped grizzling and began to crow and clutch at his face. She squashed his cheeks in both her fat little hands and tried to pull his head round to look at her as she grinned happily showing off her two teeth and babbling "Dadadadadad" Molly heard Charles laugh the first really genuine laugh she'd heard for ages as she stopped fiddling around with the tea bags and looked over at him before going back to avoiding looking at Penny and working on dredging up a sincere smile for her from somewhere. She was still waiting to hear the old bag start giving Charles a blow by blow of what had gone on, it definitely wasn't like her not to have an opinion and all this waiting didn't come easy to Molly. She kept trying to tell herself that it couldn't be that bad, no-one had died, had they? And no-one had packed their bags and left either, not even the dog judging from the racket he was kicking up from wherever he was shut in. The last thing she really wanted was to have to listen to an action replay from Penny's point of view because it would be bloody hard to keep her gob from saying things. Just because. She turned her forced smile back in Penny's direction and took a deep breath "Cuppa?" She'd have loved to have added 'before you get off home' but couldn't be that unforgivably rude, it would be a bad example for the kids, as well as being sodding ungrateful, she really did have to keep telling herself that Penny had been doing them a favour. And, nothing lasts forever, does it? Even when it feels like it, eventually she really would get on her broomstick. And go. But fuck only knew what Millie was going to come out with but she was going to have to be made to say sorry to Penny, it was the right thing.
"Millie … Listen to me … I want you to be a good girl and tell your Gran how sorry you are for being silly and … rude"
Molly used her "and don't bloody mess with me" voice, she wanted to say and don't even think of arguing and saying you're not sorry, but didn't because of not wanting to give her any ideas, instead she contented herself with giving Millie the look, the one Nan had taught her. It was something she'd always sworn she wouldn't do before she had kids of her own. But she needn't have bothered, it was wasted on the little so-and-so who didn't even bother looking at her, she just buried her head even harder in Charles' stomach. He shook his head and then put his hands on her shoulders to gently prise her away from him.
"Millie ... come on Button, you heard Mummy … now just do it … there's a good girl … I don't want to have to get cross … "
"But Daddy …"
"No buts … just do as Mummy says and say you're sorry and then please go and let poor Patches out … I can hear him crying ..."
"Sorry …"
There was no possible way Penny or anyone else could have mistaken the sullen mutter for anything that was in any way genuine, there wasn't a hint of sincerity about it. By rights they both knew she should be made to say it again, properly this time., so it would sound as if she meant it, but Charles and Molly exchanged a quick glance of tacit agreement that it would do. She hadn't dug her heels in or thrown a massive full-blown strop on the floor or said anything dreadful, and had even, by some miracle, done as she was told, after a fashion. She'd now gone flouncing off with such an indignantly hard done by expression on her face that Charles couldn't help the snort of laughter that escaped. He knew his mother wouldn't think it was funny, and that Molly probably wouldn't either, and they'd both be right, but Millie was such a consummate actress that he couldn't help being amused. Patches had been getting increasingly frantic that he could hear them but not get to them and had been barking and whining and throwing himself against the door of wherever he was shut in. A noise that stopped abruptly the instant Millie got to whichever room she'd shut him in, neither Charles nor Molly doubted for a second that she was the one who had locked him in away from Penny.
"I'll go and get Marcus in a second and take her with me if you like …" Molly shot him a glance of gratitude, they both knew Penny wouldn't hang around if he wasn't there. She would go as soon as he did.
"You gonna take that one 'n all?"
"Yep … will if you want me to … but I think she needs changing first … she bloody stinks … do you want me to do it?"
"Nah ta, you're alright … give her 'ere" Molly was trying to signal to him with raised eyebrows that he had better not even think of buggering off and leaving her to talk to his flaming mother. She'd rather change a shitty bum any day than talk to Penny, he was not escaping that easy.
She sensed rather than saw Penny bristle at the idea of Charles changing nappies, and was tempted to say that she'd changed her mind and that he could see to Livvie after all, but was suddenly overtaken by this huge temptation to give in and giggle. Somehow the fact that this was a good day had got forgotten in all the coming home to Penny's sour gob and pursed lip disapproval and all the shit with the girls.
"Don't get too excited at the 'Dadda' thing, she says it to everyone … she's too little to understand… said it to the postman yesterday …" She hadn't, but Molly was still giggling.
"Lovely … I'll bet he was happy about that" He smirked and shook his head before roaring with laughter as Livvie began chanting "Dadadadad" again.
"You were saying?"
-OG-
The racket in the kitchen was half way to deafening by the time Molly got back with Livvie clinging to her hip. Chloe still appeared to be in a strop and was yelling at no-one in particular that she couldn't be expected to do homework properly with all the noise and someone was going to have to write a note for her teacher. Patches was careering madly round and round the table with his claws skidding noisily on the tiled floor as Millie yelled his name and held her arms out at her sides playing at trying to head him off. For some reason known only to herself she'd decided that a pair of battered and tatty fairy wings and a plastic tiara were an essential for playing with the dog, as she changed tactics and started trying to catch him every time he swerved past her yipping his delight at being free and seeing everyone. Molly made a mental note to talk seriously to Millie about shutting the poor little sod in, or at least checking with her where the fuck she'd had him locked up. She just hoped there were no little accidents to clean because he couldn't get out, but decided it was probably best to wait till Penny had gone. It was obvious there'd been something other than the choice of after-school sweets that had set it all off and there was absolutely nothing to be gained by having a repeat performance.
Penny was still at the table with the cup of tea Molly had made her in front of her undrunk and getting cold as she busily chewed Charles' ear off about some community thing she was involved with. Or was running or something. It was some scheme to do with a Befriending the Elderly Programme or something like that, visiting lonely old people in their own homes and doing stuff for them, running errands and that. Probably knowing Penny, torturing them by insisting on going to see them and doing stuff for them whether they wanted her to or not. Molly could see it was probably a lovely idea in theory, but that it was probably absolute shit for the poor old buggers if all the friends were like her. If they were lonely and getting on a bit she'd have thought they had enough to put up with without her coming round and interfering, bossing them about? She tried to imagine Nan being on the receiving end of a visit like that, and couldn't. She'd bloody well kill someone and end up in jail. Charles was sipping the coffee he'd made and appeared to be focussing every bit of his attention on every word his mum was saying, he had that look on his face and was nodding and smiling, hopefully in the right places, but as Molly watched him she could tell he was also doing everything he could not to catch her eye. He knew she'd start pulling faces, would try and make him laugh and he was having a hard enough job keeping a straight face as it was.
Suddenly as she watched him sitting there sipping his coffee and looking all interested in what she was saying, Molly was hit with the thought, or maybe it was a memory, of just how much she used to love watching him. When he closed his eyes and those dark eyelashes of his curled on the cheekbones she loved to trace with her fingertips, something she hadn't actually done for a bloody age like she hadn't run her fingers through his curls, something else she always used to love to do, especially when, like now, his hair needed a bit of a cut. Those beautiful dark curls that their kids had all got from him, Molly looked down at the baby on her hip and stroked Livvie's head, even she now had a full head of dark ringlets. The list was bloody endless, the way he'd run his tongue over his bottom lip when he was concentrating and how if he didn't shave twice a day he'd have dark stubble like he had right now and how it didn't matter even when it was the end of a really shit day like today had been or a long day at work, or even if he'd been out for a run, he always smelled the same. Of shower stuff and clean sweat and well, just of him. As she watched him, he glanced over and saw her looking and raked his teeth over his bottom lip, drawing it into his mouth before looking back at his mother. Just sometimes it seemed to Molly almost like he could read her mind. When she'd first started lusting after him in the FOB she could swear he'd got this sixth sense that told him she was looking at him, he always used to look up and catch her at it. Every time.
-OG-