Thanks to the effort and sacrifice of many, the Romanians had fallen. The danger had passed. The vampire world was safe - or as safe as it could be - once more.

And yet…

"Heidi will be here shortly," Santiago said, not cowing under Caius' irritated gaze. "She texted, they've only just returned. Would have beat us here but got stuck in traffic."

We had arrived back at the castle not ten minutes previous. Hugo had rejoined me, having spent the run back chattering with Emmett and Rose about comic books and cartoons. They doted on him already, but I was so accustomed to him being at my side, under my protection, that his absence made me uneasy.

"Drink your fill," Caius told Hugo and I. He, Aro, Marcus, and several others had congregated in the feeding room to await Heidi's return. She had been dispatched to retrieve a small tourist group as soon as our victory was confirmed to strengthen those who had been injured or weakened during battle.

Hugo nudged me lightly when there were no eyes on us. Drink our fill? he mouthed, brow furrowed in confusion. I shrugged minutely in return. Things were different here than in Romania. I didn't know when we would be forced to stop.

I leaned down to whisper quietly so only he could hear. "Take only what you need."

Caesar's eyes burned into us from across the room and I glanced up to meet his gaze. Besides the kings, he was the only one present who didn't actually need to feed - the rest, including myself and Hugo, were either thirsty or had been injured in battle and needed the extra blood to regain full strength. Regardless, his presence was comforting. I felt exposed without him nearby.

I heard the chattering of voices and the chorus of heartbeats before I saw them. Venom pooled in my mouth. Heidi pushed the door open. Uncertain, I edged back towards the wall, holding my breath to protect against the onslaught of scents that wafted through the doorway.

"Welcome, friends, to Volterra!" Aro said, spreading his arms. The screaming started. I balked. This was wrong, all wrong, not the way I was allowed to feed. It was a trick, a test, they'd retaliate if I acted. The walls were stone like Romania. This was wrong this was wrong thiswaswrong-

Get against the wall!

Doyle's voice, real, fake, doesn't matter, get against the wall-

"Rowan!" Hugo this time. Worry in his tone, or fear, it made no difference; he felt threatened. I pushed him back, behind me, against the wall where he couldn't be harmed, not if he was against the wall-

I sank down into a crouch in front of him, lips peeled back in a snarl, searching for the threat, searching for Doyle, I had heard him-

"Stand down!" I reacted on instinct to the order, relaxing and assuming a less defensive position. Caesar's hand closed around my shoulder. "You are in Volterra. There is no threat here."

Everything snapped back into place. I stared at Caesar, mortified and absolutely bewildered. "Caesar, what happened, I-"

"It's not your fault," he said. His other arm was held out behind him, a signal for the rest to stay back. "I assumed this would happen. Expected it to."

Caius interjected, angry. "You expected her to-"

Caesar whipped around, his teeth bared. "Quiet. I am her sire and the only one who can prevent her from snapping. Her instincts are all off. You have enough experience with newborns to have anticipated this. Give her a moment to reorient herself."

I felt off-balanced, my instincts warring against what I knew to be true. Feeding was not safe, but I am safe. There Romanian castle is stone, but this is Volterra. Doyle is lurking, but Doyle is dead.

"What's happening to me?" I whispered.

"I will explain later, I swear it. For now, you and Hugo need to feed."

My gaze flickered back to Hugo, who looked only slightly less disoriented than I felt, and slowly nodded. "Okay."

"Good," Caesar said, and stepped away. Immediately, Aro, Caius, and Marcus took his place, worry shining in their eyes.

"I'm alright," I said. It was a lie, but I had told so many that one more would not hurt.

"You are safe, cara mia. We won't let anything happen to you," Aro said soothingly.

Marcus had pulled me into his side, gently rubbing my arm. Hugo had pressed himself against my torso, grappling with the same conflicting instincts that I was.

"How many are left?" Caius asked Santiago.

"Four. We had to knock them unconscious, they were being too loud," Santiago responded, now the only guard left in the room.

"No, that's good," Caesar said. "That's what they're used to. Give them two each, it will sate them for the time being. I believe I am right in assuming you'll have another feeding relatively soon."

"Two isn't nearly enough, take a look at her eyes," Caius said, scowling. He seemed intent on clashing with Caesar at any opportunity.

"Caius, it's fine," I murmured. "I'm used to it. It's enough."

I realized my mistake too late.

"Used to it?" Aro repeated.

"How often were they feeding you, Rowan?" Marcus asked. His tone was gentle but I could hear the rage carried beneath.

I must have hesitated for a second too long, because Caius whipped his gaze back to Caesar, furious. "You were starving her. Is that how you treat your queen? This is a punishable offense, and unfortunately for you, I am more than willing to enact the revenge that she is kind enough to spare you of."

"That would be unwise." Caesar's eyes were dark, the shift in his body language so subtle that only I recognized that he was fully prepared to go on the offensive. "I risked my life for her and would willingly do so again. Do not make accusations concerning things you know nothing about."

"Your word means nothing to me, for all I know you are no better than-"

"Enough!" I snapped, shadows hissing around my feet. "I appreciate the concern, Caius, but Caesar is not the enemy here. I trust him with my life and I would appreciate you giving him the respect he deserves instead of hurling accusations that have no basis in fact. After feeding, I will explain everything and you will apologize to the man I owe my life."

"Our beloved is correct, brother. He protected our mate where we could not and that is a debt not easily repaid. He deserves far more than our suspicion," Marcus said before looking to Caesar. "I apologize on account of my brother, Caesar. I hope in time you will see that he does not always act as irrationally as he is now."

"Apology accepted. It is a sensitive subject, and perhaps one best left for later, when the two newborns present have fed," Caesar said, looking towards the humans that were the objects of my hungry gaze.

"Yes. Let's give them some space," Aro said, glancing pointedly towards Marcus.

"Here," Caesar said, two of the humans slung over his shoulders in the time it took Marcus to step away from my side. He dropped the two humans at our feet and Hugo and I needed no more prompting to spring on our prey.

I was too focused on the taste of blood running down my throat and sating the ever-present burn to notice anything else. A second human followed the first, practically a feast, though my throat still burned at the end. That was no surprise; my thirst had never been fully quenched.

"You're both surprisingly neat feeders for newborns," Santiago remarked as I dropped the second man to the floor and licked my lips.

"Had to be. We didn't have many clothes," I said. I didn't mention that having bloodstained clothes was a surefire way of being attacked by another newborn.

"Shall we talk now?" Aro asked, gesturing towards the tables and chairs set to the side of the room.

I wasn't looking forward to this conversation, but I knew it was inescapable. "Caesar, can you take Hugo to my parents? I'm sure they'd love to get to know him better. Let them know I'll be by later."

"Of course. Hugo?" Caesar prompted. Hugo nodded and scampered after Caesar out of the room.

"Santiago, if you could ensure we are undisturbed," Marcus requested.

"Not a problem," Santiago said, nodding at us before exiting. The door shut heavily behind him and I could not help but think of the Romanians' rotted doors and the hell I had just escaped. My hands curled into fists as I turned away, moving towards the tables to the side of the room. They still had maps on them, battle plans that were evidence of the war that was recently won. There was a red circle around the Romanian castle.

I was lucky to be back home. Others had not been so fortunate.

"We will win. You will burn. Just how it was always meant to be. Everything will be okay."

"Shame you won't be around to see it."

I jerked away instinctively when a hand landed on my shoulder.

"See how easy it is to fight back without your arms."

"Amore-" Caius said.

My answer was reflexive. "It's fine."

"No," Marcus said, "Everything isn't fine."

"I'm going to explain," I snapped, turning towards them. "What more do you want?"

"We don't want anything from you," Aro said gently. "You don't have to tell us anything now, not if you don't want to."

I hated how they were staring at me, like I was porcelain, like I would shatter at any moment. I had imagined our reunion so many times. Why was this so difficult?

"Two weeks," I said tersely. "That's how long we'd go between feedings, at minimum. Or we could fight with the others for even a drop in control training, if we hadn't had our arms ripped off for losing control."

"They could not possibly expect-" Caius burst out, furious. "You are a newborn! That isn't control, it's torture!"

I didn't even have the energy to attempt to calm them as they reacted. I just stood there, unmoving, the perfect soldier-

"Damn it all to hell," I groaned. The shadows embraced me and I disappeared.

I wasn't even sure where I wanted to go, not really. I wanted desperately to clear my head of all the nightmares that seemed to fog it. The shadows deposited me in one of the training rooms that was empty but for three.

"Everyone out," Jasper ordered. The room emptied immediately.

"Jasper," I said with relief.

"What happened?" he asked, concerned. He was no mind reader, but my tumultuous emotions were enough to tell him something troubled me.

"We were feeding and it was like- like-"

He finished my sentence for me, eyes knowing. "You were back."

"What's wrong with me?" I whispered.

"Nothing's wrong with you, darlin'," he said softly. The only one in this entire castle who understood.

"Everything's wrong!" I exclaimed. "I was supposed to come back and things were supposed to be normal. Whoever I was before this, she's gone now. That was a whole other life. Now I'm this- this thing who only knows how to destroy."

"Spar with me," Jasper requested.

"Jasper-"

"You won't hurt me," he said, grinning. The scars that coated him heavily were enough to attest to that. I hadn't been able to see them properly as a human, but I could now. "Trust me. It will help."

He was waiting, so I moved first. Swing, duck, slam. Everything else faded. There was only Jasper and how I could best him.

In the end, he won. But it was close.

"Caesar trained you well," he approved, pulling me to my feet. "But I have the advantage of experience."

"Your teaching helped me, you know," I said. "In the ring. I made sure to lose some. But I was still one of the best."

Jasper smiled. "That doesn't surprise me. You always were a fighter."

"Feels like the only thing I know how to do now," I muttered. "Why is this so hard, Jazz? Coming home was supposed to be the easy part. But now that I'm here I just feel…" I trailed off. I couldn't quite find the words to describe what I felt.

"Unsteady," Jasper finished.

"Yeah." That was a good way of putting it.

"Let's walk," he said. We left the training room together. "When humans get changed into vampires, it's commonly called transformation. Turning from one thing into another. But it's really more rebirth; newborns are aptly named in that respect. Much like human infants, newborn vampires are highly impressionable. The first year of their life is formative in determining what they will be like for the rest of eternity. When a newborn vampire is brought up in a volatile, violent environment, their instincts mold around it. Everything is a threat. There is nothing but survival and what must be done to ensure they live another day. It is what you and I experienced."

"Will it ever get better?" I asked desperately.

"Of course. I'm living proof, aren't I?" he asked, nudging me lightly. "You are still a newborn. You will readjust to a civilized life much more easily than I did."

"But I will never be as stable as a vampire with a normal upbringing. One like Bella."

Jasper hesitated. "No. No matter how much you deny it, no matter how much you run from it, no matter how deep you bury it… deep down, you will always be a soldier. Violence will always be your nature."

"When do the flashbacks stop?" I could only remember the incident in the feeding room with burning embarrassment.

"It varies from person to person," Jasper said. "Be gentle to yourself and allow yourself time to heal. Perhaps not tomorrow, or next week, or even next year, but one day you will think of life and realize it is not as bad as it feels right now."

"Thanks, Jazz," I said. He threw an arm over my shoulder and drew me into a side hug. We had gone up a floor in the castle and light streamed in through the windows. "Where are we going?"

"Where would you like to go?"

I was startled. It felt like a long time since my schedule wasn't ruled by another. "I don't know."

"I have an idea. Care to run?"

"Only if you can keep up," I said, grinning. For the first time since I had turned I felt free. Free to go where I'd like, to do what I'd like, to say what I'd like without any fear of punishment.

"Challenge accepted," Jasper said and he took off running.

I sped after him, catching up easily. We didn't run long; Jasper stopped abruptly in front of a door and I knew we had arrived. Jasper let himself in. It was a guest suite and my eyes fell on one of its occupants.

"Bella!" I cried.

"Rowan!" she exclaimed, the two of us colliding in a tight hug.

"I missed you so much, Bells!" I said.

"I was so worried about you," she said. "Edward was the first to find out what was happening, he saw in Alice's mind."

"But I didn't snitch," Edward said.

"Ed!" I darted to his side, throwing my arms around him. While I had seen him earlier on the battlefield, it was no place for a reunion.

"Hey, Ro," he said, smiling and returning the hug. "How are you?"

I stepped back and let the shadows that usually protected my mind recede. I allowed the memory of the disastrous feeding play for him to see. How do you think?

"It will get better. If you ever want to talk, I'm here," he said.

"Thanks, Ed," I said softly. I shielded my mind again; it wouldn't be fair for him to know the things I hadn't even yet shared with my mates.

"Me too," Bella said, reaching out to squeeze my hand. "I may not understand what you went through, but I'm still your best friend and I'm here for you."

"Thanks," I said, immensely grateful for them. "Where's Ness?"

"She stayed back in Washington with Charlie. We'll be going back after another few days with Carlisle and Esme," Bella said. "But we'll be visiting again soon!"

"The rest of us are planning to stay a while longer," Jasper said. "At the very least, I'll be staying until you've readjusted to life here. Our experiences are similar and I can help you through it."

"What about the Denalis?" I asked.

"I believe they're planning on staying another week or so before returning to Alaska," Edward said. "They've taken Irina's death hard. Tanya worst of all."

"I'll need to stop by later," I murmured. The Denalis would feel strange without Irina. I already missed her.

"In case you're wondering, the kings currently feel horrible for setting you off earlier. You can't hide from them - or hide the truth from them - forever," Edward said carefully. "You don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. But at least let them be there for you. That's all they want."

"I don't know how to be myself anymore!" The truth seemed to be ripped out of me. "I'm not who I was before. Not even close. If what Jasper said is true, I'll never truly be that person again. I can't- They won't-"

"Rowan," Edward interrupted firmly, "they know that already. They don't expect you to be the same person you were before you left. None of us do. You love them, right?"

"Yes," I answered instantly.

"Do you ever see that changing?" he asked.

My response to this question was just as swift. "No."

"Then why would you think that it is any different for them? That anything you could do or any way you could change would convince them to love you any less?"

I hesitated. "But I-"

"Edward is right," Jasper said. "If anything, they love you more, infinitely more, for everything you were willing to do for them."

"Look, if you guys didn't want to hang out with me, you could have just said so," I joked weakly.

Edward chuckled. "So you're going to go?"

"Yes. I suppose I should go find them," I said.

"They're in Aro's quarters," Edward said. Reading my surprise, he continued. "I've grown rather attuned to their minds over the time we've spent here. They are fascinating in a way I had never appreciated before; to strategize with them and see their thought processes and experiences that they drew from was incredible. Jasper was in his natural element."

Jasper grinned. "It is one of the things I do best."

"We can discuss this later," Bella interjected. "Go talk to them, Rowan. I may not be a mind reader like Edward, but I'm not completely oblivious. They missed you."

"I'm going, I'm going. I can tell when I'm not wanted," I said, a small smile on my face.

"You'll thank us later," Bella said, and that was the last thing I heard before I allowed the shadows to whisk me away.

⊱ ────── {.⋅ V ⋅.} ────── ⊰

I'm back! Hooray! I had a nice break and am excited to get to work on writing the last chunk of Penance. Rowan was really being stubborn this chapter, I'll be honest. I had this nice neat plan and she went and ignored it all. I was actually concerned that her actions - especially around the kings - were borderline OOC. But I realized that it's actually a little more in-character for her than I expected: she's just been through an extremely traumatic situation and now that the dust has settled (somewhat), she can't pretend that she has it all together anymore like she had to during her time in Romania. She essentially has the newborn vampire version of PTSD. I really have a lot of thoughts about Rowan in this chapter but I'll end it there.

These next few chapters will be interesting to write, to say the least, but I'm looking forward to the challenge! Thank you to everyone who has supported me so far with your reviews and encouraging words! You are all awesome and I appreciate it more than you know. Here are some responses to your reviews from last chapter:

xlDarkstarlx: I'm so glad you liked it! I couldn't bring myself to kill everyone else. You guys should know that it was just as hard for me to kill off Felix as it was for you guys to read me killing off Felix. Writing her entrance was honestly so much fun and one of the concrete scenes I had pictured for a while. It was also a fun parallel to how Caius saved her from Felix back when they met for the first time. I hope this chapter didn't disappoint and I promise you will see more of the kings (and their reactions) in the next chapter. Thank you for your reviews, I really appreciate them! :)

Musically Lovely: Aw, thank you so much! It really means a lot to know that not only am I writing the characters well, but they are growing as well! Thank you so much for your support and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

HannahStewart-chan: I'm glad you liked Irina's death. Okay, that sounded bad. But you know what I mean. I just felt like she deserved a better way to go out than how she did in canon BD, you know? I couldn't bear to kill Renata because it would wreck Santiago (her mate) and I love him too much to do that. I'm glad you liked the Rose/Hugo/Rowan interaction, and rest assured that there will be more with them together (including Emmett!). There will also be scenes with Hugo and the kings that I'm excited about. It'll be cute. Hugo has a big ol' loving family now. It's nothing less than what he deserves. Thank you for reviewing!

Anyways, as always thank you all for reading and make sure to leave me a review! Let me know what you think of Rowan's inner struggles and how you think her talk with the kings will go now that she's cleared her head a bit. I hope you are staying safe and healthy and I will chat with you later!