dreamjanus: What's wrong with my Omake? I don't get it.
xp3r1a: I read your second chapter. That escalated pretty rapidly, eh? I'm gonna put you on follow. HEY GUYS, READ xp3r1a's STORY OR I'LL KICK YOU IN THE NUTS. Repeatedly. With a baseball. "But how can you kick someone in the nuts with a baseball?" One of you might say. Do you really want to find out? Anyway, read his story "The Architect of Fate".
stardustpattern9: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I was worried at first; didn't think people would like my story that much.
Dark sword of vengance: I don't believe in learning many techniques, but refining a small number of skills so that they become incredibly powerful.
I raised the rating to M, because it's not just sex and gore that raise the rating of a story. Plenty of M-rated stories out there that have neither smut nor gore. It's all about the story's themes, in my opinion. Themes that require a person with a full cognitive process to understand. It's not all just about the fight/sex scenes.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
ooooooooooooooo
Lightning Dragon's Roar
A Harry Potter Fanfiction
By Zero Rewind
© 2014
ooooooooooooooo
Chapter 16: I'll Snake Your Drain
"What's that fat bitch doing here?" I spat out venomously, backing away from the window.
"Who's tha'?" Hagrid asked curiously from his seat.
"Ministry representative." I answered grimly, ignoring the constant rapping. "She's been hired as Professor for Defense Against the Dark Arts. She's been gaining more and more power, though she hasn't really done much with it, aside from inspecting teachers. High Inquisitor, they call her."
It sounded so similar to the Spanish Inquisition, that I'd glossed over at some point in my life. Last year was Barty Crouch Sr. with his Hitler mustache, and now the Spanish Inquisition wanna-be. The Ministry was trying really hard to look like an oppressive tyrannical racist government, wasn't it? It was funny, in a way.
Or maybe that's my demented personality showing its face.
She was still knocking. Let it be known that she is one stubborn bitch.
"Ok, Hagrid. Just follow my lead. You were in Romania, handling dragons."
"Wha—"
"That's your cover story. Stay seated, pretend you're having trouble moving." I said simply, before moving to open the door. I pushed Fang out of the way, before pulling it open, revealing an irritated looking Dolores Umbridge. I carefully schooled my expression into that of pleasant surprise.
"Mr. Potter? What a... surprise." She simpered sweetly.
"Indeed it is, Professor!" I said jovially, motioning for the inside. "Please, come in! Come in!"
She complied without a word, instead choosing to observe her surroundings with a distasteful expression. I squashed down the urge to punch her. Her eyes fell on the beaten and battered Hagrid.
"You're Hagrid, then?" She asked, giving him a look of revulsion. I wasn't sure whether it was because he was half-giant, or because he looked truly horrible, with the injuries and the dragon steak on his face. Probably both, I reckon. What a bitch.
"Yeh'd be righ'." The man confirmed with a wince.
I grabbed a nearby chair, placing it behind Umbridge.
"Have a seat, Professor." I suggested amiably, gesturing at the dusty chair. "The trip here must have been very tiring for you." I wondered if she noticed the insult to her short and wide stature.
She regarded me for a moment, and then the chair, before sitting down uncomfortably.
I took my former seat.
"You're just in time, Professor." I said excitedly, breaking whatever question or boring speech she was about to hurl out at us. "Professor Hagrid was about to tell me about his trip to the Romanian Dragon Reserve."
"Er— You know Professor Hagrid then, Mr. Potter?" She asked with her grating voice.
What, didn't the fact that I was inside his hut before anyone else tell her the entire story?
"Oh, yes." I smiled benignly. "I've known him since my First Year at Hogwarts, Professor. Delivered my Hogwarts letter, see?"
"Oh, I understand."
I turned back to Hagrid.
"Anyway, tell me, Professor Hagrid." I continued with a formal, but excited tone of voice. "How is that Hungarian Horntail I battled during the First Task of the Triwizard tournament last year?"
"Righ' healthy, she is!" Hagrid said with a little wince. "Very energetic, protective of her children. Remember those eggs she was protectin'?"
"Yeah." I played along. "You're telling me they already hatched? Wow."
"Yeh're righ'." Hagrid's beard twitched. "Barmy little rascals. One tried ter bite my hand off!" He showed off his cut up right hand.
"Well, what about the rest of you?" I waved at his form, faking an incredulous, worried look. "I have a hard time believing a baby dragon could do all of this to you."
"Yeh'd be righ' again, Mr. Potter." It felt weird to hear him call me that. "These injuries would be from the mother herself. Paid too much attention to the claws, got swiped by the tail. Righ' nasty tail, tha' is. Ter be hones', I should've expected it." Hagrid mused. "But tha' goes ter show tha' even the best of us make mistakes in the field."
You know, Hagrid was a pretty good liar if he stuck to his strengths. Being beaten around by a large dragon sounded quite believable for a man of Hagrid's reputation of loving dangerous beasts way too much.
"Wicked." I breathed out, sounding like I was latching on to every single word. "Well, what about the—"
"hem, hem." Umbridge cleared her throat, cutting off whatever I was about to say. We both turned to look at her, with slightly annoyed expressions. She looked a little intimidated by it.
"Oh, my apologies." My face cleared up, shifting into mock-embarrassment. "Professor Umbridge. I'd almost forgotten you were here. Is there anything you needed?"
"Nothing in particular from you, Mr. Potter." She seethed in barely repressed anger. It was so fun to rile her up like this. We ignored her presence, before actually acknowledging the fact that we ignored her presence with impunity. It was enough to drive anyone to blows; but she didn't have the luxury of expressing herself without betraying her foul intentions, did she?
She turned to Hagrid.
"I am simply here in an official capacity to inform you that, as High Inquisitor, it is my unfortunate but necessary duty to inspect my fellow teachers." Umbridge said in a tone that suggested she didn't find this unfortunate at all.
Oh, yes. Her inspections. Not much to say about those, is there? She got owned by every teacher in the school, with the exception of Trelawney. From what I heard, the superstitious teacher fell for every single one of Umbridge's ploys. If she was even slightly smart, she could've easily tricked Umbridge into giving her inspection a pass.
"Have a good evening, Professor Hagrid, Mr. Potter." She curtsied and left the hut, the door slamming from behind her. I checked out of the window. It looked like hell was on her heels.
"All right, she's gone." I breathed a sigh of relief, before turning to Hagrid, offering the man a smile. "Nice touch with the mother dragon beating the snot out of you with her tail."
Hagrid smirked. "Figured that would drive her off. Took one look at my finger, and was green. Squeamish, wasn' she?"
"You got that right." I agreed savagely. "She's all pink and clean and sugary sweet. It's enough to make me vomit."
I walked back to the cage holding the snake, and crouched. The viper gazed at me once more.
§Oh, it's you, again.§ The viper hissed. §What do you want?§
§Bit rude, aren't you?§ I asked, feeling a little miffed.
§Look who's talking, jackass.§ The snake spit out, surprising me. §You couldn't be bothered to say hello, not five minutes ago. Then you ignored me! And now you call me rude? Stupid boy.§
§You're not surprised I can speak to you like this?§ I ignored the insult, remembering a previous conversation I had with a snake that was incredibly eager to communicate with me. This one looked like it greatly disliked me.
§Big deal, you can speak to snakes. You think you're special?§ The viper gave off the impression it was sneering. §I can read and write seven of your human languages.§
§I don't believe you.§ I said after a while, before frowning thoughtfully. §Well, maybe the reading part, but writing? Give me a break.§
The snake bristled and hissed quite loudly in warning.
"What're yeh sayin' to him, Harry?" Hagrid asked wearily. I turned to look at the slightly anxious looking man.
"He's saying he can read and write in seven different languages." I answered, shrugging. "I said it's a load of shit. Not in those particular words, but yeah. You get my drift."
"Oh, he's tellin' the truth, then." Hagrid said, relaxing.
"Wait... Really? He can write in seven different languages?" I gaped in amazement.
"Saw it myself when I bought him!" Hagrid bragged. "His handler taught him how. He's a Parselmouth, too."
"Huh." I said, a little surprised at the revelation. "I thought I was the only Parselmouth out there."
"Course not!" Hagrid laughed me off. "Plenty of 'em all over the world."
That would make sense, wouldn't it? It was actually quite arrogant of me to think that only a select few among the British could talk to snakes. I remembered that Herpo the Foul— the wizard who bred the first basilisk, was from Ancient Greece.
I grabbed a pen and piece of paper out of my book bag, before turning back to the cage.
§Show me.§ I demanded.
The black viper's tail slithered out of the cage, wrapping around the pen, and began to write.
You are an idiot.
Tu es un idiot.
Sei un idiota.
Usted es un idiota.
.أنت احمق
あなたは馬鹿です.
你是白痴.
Well, that is one talented snake. Said viper let go of the pen, the tail pulling back into the cage. I grabbed the paper and showed it to Hagrid, who laughed at the insult.
It called me an idiot in seven different languages. Eight, considering it called me stupid in its native language before.
"All right." I said loudly. "Hagrid, how much for the snake?"
"How much?" The half-giant repeated.
"Yeah." I said. "I want this snake. How much money do you want for it?"
"No need for tha', Harry." Hagrid said, lifting his free hand up. "I was goin' ter give this to yeh. As a late birthday present."
"Really?" I said, a little surprised. Why would Hagrid give me a snake?
"I know." Hagrid said, having read my facial expression right. "Why would I give yeh a snake, considerin' my pas' history with them?"
I nodded. Hagrid had been expelled from Hogwarts because he was framed by Riddle, who had unleashed a basilisk in the school— the same basilisk I had killed three years ago, in fact. I kind of figured he hated snakes and what they represented because of his past experiences.
"I won' lie to yeh, Harry." Hagrid said. "I don't like snakes all tha' much, ter be hones'."
"Then why—?" I asked.
"Cause it's a part of you." Hagrid looked at me seriously. "Like I'm half-giant. Yeh got ter accept who yeh are, both the ligh' and the dark."
"I know that." I said automatically. "I just— I didn't expect—"
I shook my head, shooting the man an apologetic grin. "I'm sorry, Hagrid. I guess I underestimated you, there."
"It's all righ'." Hagrid waved it off. "Takes a great man to admit that. Yeh're just like Dumbledore."
Just like Dumbledore? Me? I pictured myself wearing strange robes, growing a gloriously long beard, while saying weird shit before feasts in front of children, and have them not so quietly question my sanity as they attempted to decipher whatever meaningless gibberish I just said.
Was it wrong that I found that highly amusing?
Probably was.
"If you say so." I said, before turning back to the snake.
§You heard all of that, right?§ I asked the black viper.
§I did.§ That was all it said.
§You want to join me?§ I asked. Was the snake playing hard to get? Sheesh, what a diva.
§Why should I?§
§Well, I can get you tons of food—§
§The large one already gets me plenty of food.§ The viper countered.
§You'll have someone to talk to?§ I tried.
§I don't really like you that much, though.§ He said.
§You wouldn't have to be in a cage.§ I suggested with a smile.
§...§ He seemed to be thinking it over.
§Also, we can scare the crap out of people!§ I said when he seemed like he was going to say no.
§Scare others? How?§ The viper asked me curiously.
Hook, line and sinker.
§Simple.§ I smirked. §People are scared of snakes, see? If you unexpectedly pop out of my sleeve, they'll scream.§
§Well, I do enjoy the screams...§ He said ominously, before looking up at me. §All right. I accept!§
§Great! I'm going to open the cage.§ I said, before unlocking the cage door.
It creaked open as the snake pushed the little metal door open. I held out my sleeve to him, and he slithered in, going from one sleeve, and out of the other. His leathery skin rubbed against mine, giving me goosebumps. I briefly wondered what it would feel like if his tail wrapped around my— NO. FUCK NO. DO NOT WANT.
Ugh.
I stood up, feeling the increased weight as I walked around Hagrid's hut, the man watching my every move.
I sat down again, getting used to this new feeling. Hagrid relaxed.
§You're warm.§ The snake popped out of my sleeve to say.
§Thanks? I think.§ I said. §What's your name, anyway?§
§Balthazar. You're Harry, are you not?§
§Yes. Nice name, by the way.§
§Yes, well. Our handler had a penchant for the names of demons.§ The snake— Balthazar, I corrected myself— said. §He called one of us Zoma, after a former Demon King.§
§Demon... King?§ I asked in confusion. §Demons exist?§
§They haven't, for a long time.§ Balthazar answered, wiggling around in my sleeve.
I heard some loud knocking on the door. Was it Umbridge, again? I felt very weary.
"Whozzair!" Hagrid called out from his seat.
"Hagrid, it's us!" Hermione's voice came from the other side of the door. The large man gingerly left his seat and went to open the door.
§Ready to begin scaring people? Just pop out of my sleeve and say 'hello' as loud as you can, when I point my hand at my friends.§ I quickly said to Balthazar, who nodded eagerly at the plan.
The door swung open, revealing Ron and Hermione, who blanched at the beat up appearance of Hagrid. Hermione even yelled out— it was loud and annoying.
"Blimey, Hagrid!" Ron said as Hagrid ushered them in. "You're in a right state!"
"What happened to you?" Hermione looked worried, before noticing me relaxing on one of the chairs.
She advanced on me with a glare. "You knew! Why didn't you tell us Hagrid was back?!"
"Well, you guys were at the Quidditch game, remember?" I answered quickly.
"More importantly." I said before she could retort, and pointed my hand at her. "LOOK AT THIS!"
§HELLO THERE! MY NAME IS BALTHAZAR.§ Balthazar popped out of my sleeve, hissing excitedly. Ron froze in fear. Hermione shrieked, before backing away and tripping over Fang, who yelped and ran to Hagrid's side. Hagrid looked amused.
I just laughed maniacally, joined by my new friend Balthazar. His laughing hisses were actually quite disturbing.
After I suffered a punch to the face courtesy of Hermione, Hagrid and I took turns explaining the events prior to their arrival.
"So, Hagrid got beat up by giants—" Hermione said.
"Yep." Hagrid confirmed.
"Umbridge came here—" She continued.
"Uh huh." I said.
"You played it off as a trip to the Romanian Dragon Reserve—" Ron said with a grin.
"—And then Hagrid gave me this snake that can read and write in seven different languages." I finished for them, nudging the viper in my sleeve. His head popped out, gazing at everything. "His name's Balthazar."
§Balthazar, these are my two friends Ron and Hermione.§ I hissed out.
§And I should care... Why?§
§Just letting you know who they are, no need to be snippy.§ I said coolly. I turned to see the disturbed faces of Ron and Hermione.
"What?"
"You can't be thinking of keeping it!" Ron blurted out.
"That's exactly what I plan on doing." I retorted. "It's a talking pet! Like that Meowth in Pokémon, except it's a talking Ekans, instead."
Ron looked even more confused. Hermione got the reference, though. What kind of kid didn't know about Pokémon, anyway?
The two seemed to grudgingly accept my decision— the fact that they couldn't force me to change my mind played a big part, I think— and we changed the subject, asking Hagrid about his summer. I didn't ask the large man about the second thing he brought with him. Judging by the way he was evading Hermione's questions, I figured that it was pretty personal.
Evening began to turn to night, so we bid Hagrid goodbye. I thanked him for the pet with a quick hug— don't call me soft, okay!?— and a pat on the back, before heading off with Ron and Hermione to the Gryffindor Common Room.
"You think you got to him?" Ron asked Hermione as we made our way up the stairs. She had been trying to get him to change his lesson plans so that Umbridge wouldn't fire him. However, it seemed as if Hagrid was unconcerned with the matter, undoubtedly planning on pitting us against the most dangerous monster he could find.
"I don't know..." Hermione sounded unsure, before her eyes got a determined glint. "But I'll go back again tomorrow if I need to."
"Don't bother." I scoffed. "It's not like Umbridge is going to stay here for long."
They were silent for a moment.
"What makes you say that, mate?" Ron asked. "I doubt she'll want to leave."
"Well, the Defense Against the Dark Arts post is cursed, isn't it? She'll be gone at the end of the year, like every other Professor before her." I said with a dismissive wave of my hand. "If she sacks Hagrid, he'll just get re-hired the next year."
"What if the Ministry takes over?" Hermione countered logically as we reached the Fat Lady. "They would kick him off the grounds."
"Then I'll just obliterate the Ministry." I said simply, before speaking the password.
"Obliterate... The Ministry of Magic?" Ron said dumbly as the portrait swung open, revealing the Gryffindor Common Room.
"Well, yeah. I don't need an Army for that little endeavor." I said easily, referring to our little study group and my powers, before I entered the Common Room. It still had quite a few people in it. Ron bade me goodnight, wanting to get some sleep in. Hermione sat down one of the couches and began to read some book.
I walked over to Fred and George, who were busy testing something on a hapless Second Year. The poor girl recovered, and ran away before they could catch her.
"Hey guys." I gained their attention and nudged my right sleeve. "Look!"
Balthazar popped out of my sleeve, making excessively loud hissing noises. It made Fred and George jump in fright. The Common Room went silent at the sound. Hermione merely looked annoyed and buried her nose deeper into her book.
If anything, let it be known that I am easily amused.
The twins recovered first.
"Did ickle Harrykins just—" Fred started incredulously.
"Get one over us—" George continued, equally incredulous.
"The great Weasley Twins?" They said in tandem.
"Don't forget 'mighty', dear brother of mine." George frowned and corrected.
"Indeed. The great and mighty Weasley Twins?" Fred looked at his brother, who nodded approvingly.
They both turned to me.
"Nice one, Harry." They said together, grinning like loons. Their smiles faltered, when looking at the group of people behind me.
I turned to see a bunch of miffed Gryffindors, glaring at me and my viper.
"What?" I asked innocently, while Balthazar slid back into my sleeve.
"What're you playing at, Potter?" One of the upper years said aggressively.
"Yeah!" Said another. "Bringing that thing in here!"
"What, my new pet, Balthazar?" I asked, faking a look of confusion.
"Get rid of it!" Parvati almost screeched in fear. They all nodded in agreement.
I stared at the body of students for a while. Did they really hate Slytherins so much that they would react so violently and fearfully to owning a pet snake? Well, fuck them, then!
"I'm going to make this very simple and clear, so even the most retarded of you can understand my words perfectly." I glared balefully at them.
"If you touch my snake, I'll cut off your eyelids and force feed them to you." I said with a smile that promised indescribable pain.
"Understood?"
They said nothing. I took a threatening step forward. Some of them were so afraid, that they stepped back.
"I said... Am I understood?"
"Yes." They all murmured, before breaking up, leaving only a few Gryffindors in the Common Room.
§You were channeling lightning.§ Balthazar said, as it popped out of my sleeve. I sat on a large, empty couch near the fire, gently stroking the agitated viper's head.
§Did it hurt you?§ I asked in slight concern, not knowing I was unconsciously summoning my electricity.
§I don't think so. I feel a little tingly, but that's it.§ The viper stated, slithering out of my sleeve and curling up on my lap.
"H-Harry?" I heard a familiar, female voice speak from behind me.
I turned to see a frozen Ginny, who was staring at me and the snake hesitantly. She was probably the only person here I wouldn't judge harshly for her reaction to Balthazar, seeing as she was manipulated, and then later possessed by Voldemort in her First Year at Hogwarts.
"Hey, Ginny." I greeted the girl and waved her over. "You want to meet my new friend?"
"I— I don't know." Ginny said, neither taking a step forward nor backward, which was not a bad sign, at least.
"Come on. His name is Balthazar and he's very friendly. I promise." I reassured her with a smile.
§Speak for yourself, human.§ Balthazar interjected coldly. §I hate you all.§
§Yeah, that doesn't sound very convincing with you all curled up in my lap.§ I pointed out. The viper did not argue that point, recognizing a losing battle when he saw it. Ginny came closer, and sat right next to me.
Balthazar's head popped up, and he stared straight at Ginny, who stared back unflinchingly.
§This one has quite the spirit.§ Balthazar acknowledged. §You should mate with her right now.§
"What!?" Ginny blurted out in shock, blushing furiously at the suggestion. I froze for a moment, staring at Ginny. She understood what Balthazar said just now? My mind went into overdrive, thinking of the possibilities and the explanations for such an event taking place.
Hm. She retained the ability to speak with snakes, even after Voldemort was cast out of her body? Neat.
"Hm..." I budged closer to her. She stiffened nervously, realizing the implications of what just happened.
"I—" She tried to explain.
"No, it's fine, Ginny." I put my arm over her shoulders and pulled her closer. "I'm not mad you didn't tell me."
"It's just—" She choked back her sudden tears, probably not having expected to have her deception be forgiven so easily.
"It's fine." I insisted. "You don't have to explain yourself to anyone, especially me."
She looked at me for a long moment, before nodding slowly. I could guess why she never mentioned it, honestly. It wasn't that hard to figure out. After an entire year of feeling helpless and used, she would have probably tried to disassociate herself from Tom, and whatever abilities he had; this included Parseltongue. It was the language she used to make the basilisk attack all those students. The guilt alone would have driven most people into depressive states. Come to think of it, she was pretty well adjusted, considering what she went through.
"One more thing." I said, getting her attention. She gave me a quizzical, if scared look.
"You didn't deny the suggestion."
Ginny blushed and murmured something I couldn't quite hear. I asked her to repeat what she said.
"I said I wouldn't exactly mind..." Ginny said, blushing furiously at the admission. She was looking away from me as she said it, increasing her cute factor by five.
Well. Am I the only one who got super excited from her saying that? Oh wait, it looks like Balthazar is staring at the both of us expectantly.
Wait, wasn't Ginny with that Michael Corner guy or something?
Better question, did that little detail even matter to me right now?
I'll let you figure out what I was going to do that night.
I will say one thing, though. Sirius would be proud.
ooooooooooooooo
Hehe... Ehehehehe...
Right, to those of you who are going to undoubtedly rage at me for this: calm your tits.
Think logically, if a girl/guy came to you right now and said that they wanted to fuck you, would you really say no?
I know I'd say yes in a heartbeat. No, wait. FASTER THAN A HEARTBEAT.