I'm not all that happy with the final version of this chapter but decided I'll just post it anyway instead of trying to rewrite it yet again. Any feedback is always appreciated!
Beck's POV:
Something weird was definitely going on with Jade. It was subtle at first, she seemed a bit more quiet and lacked her usual sharpness. After the play ended she had seemed almost relieved at first but then things started to change little by little. Like for instance that morning when we skipped first period to have coffee at the coffee shop. She had been late and I'd been starting to get worried, not having heard from her since the day before. And when she finally showed up it was with smudged make-up and wet eyes like she'd just been crying. It worried me a lot but knowing Jade she wasn't going to tell me if I pried. Instead I just tried being there for her, buying her coffee and giving her the time she needed to calm down.
Then the next week she went from quiet to angry. Sure, Jade being angry wasn't entirely out of the ordinary but this anger was just more. It went from her regular harmless glares and occasional yelling to her becoming like a landmine, being set off by the smallest things. People at school started hiding when she walked through the hallways, terrified to end up on the receiving end of her explosive anger. I couldn't understand it. I realized something must be going on, something serious but she refused to talk about it and shut me out like a clam.
It was other things too. She spent more time in the bathroom, always seeming to need to reapply her make up. And she would get these moments where she just seemed like she was elsewhere, her eyes distant. Not even Cat could get through to her then and I could tell that it really worried the red-headed girl.
"Jade! I worry about you, would you please tell me what's wrong?" I pleaded, trying to keep up with her, walking towards Sikowitz' classroom.
"Nothing. Just drop it." She hissed angrily, not looking at me.
I didn't know what to say. She was so clearly hurting and I wanted nothing more than to be able to help out in any way, take some of that weight off her shoulders but it seemed like everytime I tried I just ended up putting my foot in my mouth.
"Jade, I know that's not true. I can see something's up and I just really wanna help" I tried.
She turned around, blue eyes icy and glared directly at me.
"Oh my god Beck would you just stop! Fixing me isn't gonna help you feel better about your own insecurities and it sure as hell isn't going to make you a better actor or one that actually has a shot. Why do you even care? I'm not some little project you can use to distract yourself from your own fucking problems. Just leave me the fuck alone, I don't need your help!" She turned around and stalked off, heavy boots pounding down the hallway, walking past Sikowitz classroom.
I was left feeling sad and confused, not knowing whether to go after her or to just go to acting class and try and let acting distract me from the whirlwind of emotions that was currently washing over me.
She was right of course. In some way I had been trying to focus on helping her instead of facing my own problems, but I thought that maybe we had that kind of friendship where we would help each other and take on each other's problems. Apparently not. I knew that she had seen through the facade I tried to maintain, knew that she'd seen some of my insecurities peak through and the fact that she'd seemed to have accepted me regardless had made me appreciate her endlessly. It was rare for me to feel okay with showing emotions like that and her harsh words now cut deep like knives. It wasn't okay, of course it wasn't. I needed to be better, act better.
In the end I decided to give her some space, retreat to lick my wounds a bit. I went to Sikowitz' to sit in the back and then had lunch with André, listening to him play around on the keyboard for a bit and actually found myself feeling slightly better. Also I was starting to get really worried about Jade, the pure anger in her voice still fresh in mind. I knew she only lashed out because of her own hurt eating at her, whatever the cause of it might be. Still it had hit a bit too close to home, made me question myself and my actions, my aspirations.
I didn't know when it had started exactly but for a long time I'd had problems with my self esteem, never feeling like I was enough and always feeling the need to put on a show to make people like me. I'd spent a lot of time trying to transform myself into someone likable and at times it was like I didn't even know who the real me was anymore. Except when I was acting, it always seemed to clear my head and make everything seem easier.
After saying bye to André at the Asphalt café I decided to go look for Jade, putting aside my own feelings for now. It wasn't hard knowing where to find her. When I opened the door to her secret room I could see her sitting in the back corner, angrily stabbing at what seemed to have been a trash can.
"Hey" I tried carefully. She looked up, her eyes meeting mine. I could see they were red-rimmed, traces of tears along her cheeks. Oh Jade.
"Oh. Hi"
"Whatcha doin'?" I let myself sink down in one of the beanbag chairs next to her.
She let out a deep breath, seemingly collecting herself. "Listen Beck" Her voice was small, no traces of anger left, only sadness and apologies. "I didn't mean what I said, I hope you know that. I was just angry and in the moment making someone else feel bad too seemed like an appropriate thing to do. It's not though, I know that, and I'm sorry."
"It's okay I guess. I mean you did have a point, I do have a lot of issues I'm not dealing with. And the acting industry is tough, I probably don't have enough talent to make it, I'm not that good..." I said slowly while looking down at my hands, still feeling traces of the raw emotion her earlier comment had stirred up inside me.
"Beck. Listen to me. It's not okay, I was way out of line. You mean so much to me and I had no right to lash out and hurt you like that. There's no excuse, really." She said with a sincere voice, offering a pair of scissors and a piece of trash can out to me. "Try it. It helps."
I accepted them a bit hesitantly but did actually feel that keeping my hands busy helped with the conflicting emotions hanging between us in the small room. When I met her eyes she almost looked a bit proud at me, watching the way the scissors in my hand cut through the plastic.
"You know I look up to you, right?" She said suddenly. "The way you're so sure of your dreams and the passion you have whenever you talk about acting. I admire that, I really do. And when you act you just become someone else, you immerse yourself completely in the role. You're so incredibly talented and I just hope you know that too."
Not really knowing how to respond to the surprisingly genuine compliment, which meant oh so much coming from her, I blushed, ducking my head a bit before regaining composure and smiling a bit teasingly. "Aw Jade, you find me talented?"
"Shut up"
"I bet you find me really handsome too" I smirked at her teasingly.
"Shut up Oliver, I take everything back" But she was smiling, a small smile perhaps but still big enough to make me feel warm inside.
"Oh you do so find me talented and handsome. You wish you could get on this" I bumped my shoulder against hers, grinning teasingly. Jade just scoffed.
"So are you coming to Tori's party tonight?". I decided to change the subject. It was Tori's birthday and with her parents conveniently out of town Tori had decided to throw a big party at the Vega house. All my friends were going of course along with most of the other people in our grade. It wasn't everyday a party opportunity like this presented itself and people had been talking about it all week. Jade being in her unusually angry mood had unfortunately made it a bit hard for Tori to extend the invitation to her as well but seeing as she now seemed a bit more like herself it seemed like a good opportunity to try and get her to come. The thought of going by myself seemed way less appealing than going with Jade.
Jade sighed, looking thoughtful. "I don't know, can I trash it?"
"Of course not"
"Yeah, I'm trashing it"
I couldn't help the smile that took over my face. She was just so Jade.
"I'll pick you up at 8"
We walked into Tori's together, the party already in full swing. We could hear the booming music as soon as we got out of the car after parking a couple houses down the street.
"Oh hey guys!" Tori greeted us cheerily at the door, seeming to be slightly intoxicated already, even though it wasn't even nine pm yet.
"Hey! Happy birtday Tor" I said, giving her a one-armed hug.
"Happy birtday. My present to you will arrive later" Jade said matter-of-factly before brushing past Tori to walk inside the house.
"Ookay then" Tori looked slightly confused but shrugged and took another sip of the pink drink in her hand. "Do you want a drink?" I nodded and let her drag me inside the house towards the kitchen.
It was a good party, a great one even. Tori had really succeeded in making it the party of the semester. Most of our class were there along with some people from other classes, everyone seeming to enjoy the music and the company in various stages of intoxication. The absolute best part, the part that was gonna make this party be one that was remembered at HA forever, was when the door bell rang at around 10 pm. Tori hurried to answer it and was met with a loud "BAAAH" and a quite large black goat casually trotting into her living room, taking a lap around and accidentally knocking over some things along the way.
The whole room was momentarily stunned, evryone drunkenly watching how the goat made its way towards the kitchen and the birtday cake placed on the kitchen table. A bunch of whispers went around, people tapping the person next to them, whispering "Are you seeing the goat too?".
And then the goat quite flexibly jumped up on the kitchen table and put her entire face in Tori's birthday cake.
"Ohmygod my CAKE!" Tori shrieked and the silence of the room was exchanged for a mix of panic and laughter.
A few guys hurriedly tried to get the goat off the table and after some struggle managed to get her out into the backyard, closing the door on the goats disappointed "baaah".
When I looked at Jade standing beside me I could see her snickering a bit, clearly finding the situation amusing.
"JADE!" Tori had seen the amusement on Jade's face too and was stomping over towards us, clearly annoyed with the set of events that had just occurred. "What the hell was that?"
"It was your birthday present" Jade smirked, looking pleased with herself.
"But I didn't want a goat for my birthday!"
"I didn't want a goat for my birthday" Jade repeated, using that high Tori-mockery voice.
I tried to keep a straight face, I really did, but I couldn't help myself and burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. There was cake spread all around the kitchen as well as broken things from the goats wild rampage around the house. Robbie was perched on top of the kitchen counter, having jumped up in fear of the goat. Cat was bouncing around giggling uncontrollably, occasionally informing us how she LOVED goats. The rest of the invited people still seemed a bit confused but had started going back to dancing and drinking in small groups. Oh Jade.
Despite this little hiccup the rest of the night went by like a normal party, of course with the exception of the absence of cake.
At 3 am I found myself sitting next to Jade on Tori's couch. The party had started to die down, some people heading home and the rest chatting quietly in groups. Most people were pretty drunk, our friends not excluded but Jade and I hadn't had that much to drink, neither of us feeling a need for it.
It was a bit annoying how semi-drunk girls from school kept interrupting the comfortable silence between Jade and me by walking up to us, trying to touch my hair and I was grateful when Jade started lazily pulling her scissors out of her boots, snipping them together slowly. As I watched the latest one stumble off I wondered to myself why I never even paid the slightest attention to these girls anymore. I hadn't even been on a date in months! Not since Jade.
I turned to her, grinning."Where does one get a goat at 9.30 on a Friday night?". It was ridiculous, really.
"I know a guy"
"You're insane, you know that?" I bowed my head a bit to hide my amused grin.
"You know what, I'm thinking of keeping it." She mused. "It might come in handy one day. Can i keep it at your house though? My dad would freak. He hates when I pull stunts like this, he would get insanely furious" Her grin was easy, she didn't realize at first that it was the first time she'd ever mentioned her family to me. It made me curious, made me want to learn more about this man and his role in shaping the beautiful girl in front of me. I wanted so badly to ask about it, but seeing the way her eyes widened when she noticed her slip I decided to not force that upon her, not now.
"Sure, I'm not sure what to feed her though?" I responded lightly, noticing her small grateful expression as I let her previous comment slide. I made a mental note to just try to earn her trust and not rush into this, driving her off.
I would live to regret this response. Later that night Bertha the goat succeeded in both happily chewing up my mom's entire rose garden as well as waking up the entire neighbourhood with her loud constant yelling of "BAAAAH". As I drowsily exited my RV to go check on her I took a quick video of the goat mass destruction to send to Jade.
Bertha had to leave later that day. It was to be expected of course but I was still sad to see her go. My parents were furious with me but I was in such a good mood after the party that I felt surprisingly okay with it.