13. iGet Some Advice

Sam was kind of angry. And as usual, she took it out on whoever was closest. Or, in this case, whoever happened to be on the phone with her. Tonight, that unfortunate someone was Freddie Benson.

It was a position both of them were familiar with by now. It was practically expected.

"Did you know she was coming here?" Sam asked pointedly.

She had called Freddie as soon as she got home from her dinner with Carly. She had to talk to someone, and Cat wasn't home from her shopping trip yet. That made Freddie the defacto choice. There was still a hint of comfort and stability in their relationship, even though it had changed so much over the years.

Carly had offered to stay at a hotel at the end of their rather awkward dinner. Sam had started to argue that it wasn't necessary, but she walked it back. It certainly wasn't necessary for Sam's benefit, but it might be for Cat's. She had seemed very nervous and worried earlier after Carly had shown up. And then Sam had to go be an idiot and admit to Carly that she was in love with her.

Was. Past tense.

It was true. Sam had realized during their dinner discussion that the romantic feelings she'd once harbored for Carly Shay had faded into memory. A pleasant memory, to be sure, and one that maybe would have resulted in very different lives for the both of them. But as happy as she was to see Carly, and as wonderful as it was to be close to her again, Sam was over that part of her life.

It's why she felt bold enough to admit it to Carly. Sure, she had to quickly explain that it was a thing of the past after Carly dropped her milkshake (a task made more challenging due to the robots trying to clean up the glass and ensure Carly was dried out). But she got the point across.

The conversation had gotten even more difficult after that.

"Honestly Sam, I had no clue," Freddie said. "I didn't even know Colonel Shay was here until ten minutes ago. How's she doing?"

Of course he'd ask about her. Freddie had been in love with Carly since the day he met her. That never really bothered Sam, not even when they were dating. Maybe because she was sure Carly would never actually go out with Freddie.

"Great. She hasn't aged a day. Same old Carly. Guess why she's here."

Freddie sighed. "I just got home from work, I'm really not in the mood for guessing—"

"She wants to bring the show back."

Freddie was silent for a moment. Sam had the same reaction when Carly, fresh milkshake in hand (in a plastic cup this time, at the insistence of Tandy), dropped that bomb. Carly had laid the groundwork earlier in the conversation, talking about how much the show meant to her and how much she'd love to go back to it. But when she dropped that little bombshell, Sam had no idea how to react.

"Wait…seriously? She wants to do iCarly again?"

"Yep."

"Without me?"

"I don't know. I guess. We didn't get that far into it. Maybe she's still planning on asking you." Sam did wonder how Carly planned to handle the technical stuff. They definitely didn't need the fancy camera and computer anymore. Millions of people had YouTube channels with nothing more than a PearPhone and some editing apps.

"Well…that's unexpected."

Freddie's talent for understatement was firmly intact, it seemed.

"I wasn't expecting it either. All those years away and then she just shows up looking all adorable, wanting to pick right back up."

"Um…what?"

Oh, right. Freddie doesn't know I was in love with her. Or that I'm in love with my roommate. Well, it's his fault for staying in Seattle. "What am I supposed to tell her? I mean I've got a lot happening right now and none of it was planned." Careful, Puckett, or you're going to end up connecting and sharing.

"So she's there right now?"

"No, she got a hotel room. This is all so jacked."

"What do you mean?"

And here we go. You're setting yourself up, Sam. Stop it. "Nothing. Just…my roommate…well…aaahhh, forget it. This is why I don't do connections. Every time I get close to someone, something like this happens. You know, I was this close to leaving LA a week ago."

"Leaving?" Freddie said. "I thought you really liked it there. Why would you want to leave?"

Sam sighed. She really wished he'd quit with the questions because she was obviously not in the right frame of mind for them. She kept opening up her mouth and out came personal feelings and thoughts. "Because…just because, okay? I should have just done it. I should have left when I had the chance. Now Carly's back…the timing is just ridiculous. And this thing with Cat…"

"Cat? Your roommate?"

Jeez, Puckett, just write him a book about it why don't you? Paint him a picture, make sure he gets to know every detail. "Yeah. There's been some…developments since you were here last. I swear if you'd have told me back then Carly was going to show up and try to pull me away… I just don't see how she's not going to get hurt."

The line was silent for a moment. "Sam, I know you don't like to share details, but I'm really confused right now. What does Cat have to do with this?"

Sam closed her eyes, squeezed them tight, and drew in a sharp breath. Fuck it. "I'm in love with her, Fredwad."

She could almost hear Freddie turning six shades of red on the other end of the phone. She imagined his face the same shade as Cat's hair.

"You're…uh…you're in love…like love love…with…Cat?"

"Yes," Sam sighed. "What, you don't know any girls that are into other girls?"

"Well, um…I mean, I figured they're out there, you know, but I can't…I mean…um…wow."

Sam laughed, and a hint of tension finally went out of her. She had almost forgotten how uptight and proper Freddie was. A true knight of chivalry in an era of self-obsession. The last time she saw him, he'd been completely embarrassed for saying the word buttocks in front of Cat and then again in front of her.

"How much longer are you gonna live with your mom and avoid having a girlfriend?" she asked.

"I am not avoiding having a girlfriend. Just because I don't know any lesbians doesn't mean I'm repressed or something."

"I didn't say I was a lesbian."

"Okay, well whatever you are, I don't know anyone else like you. And now that I say that out loud, I realize it's true on like, every level."

"Damn straight," Sam said. "Mama is one of a kind." Sam sighed as she walked out to the kitchen. She was craving something meaty. "Look, I was freaking out because it's graduation and I figured Cat would end up getting some big job or gig or scholarship to some fancy college and she'd just up and leave. Y'know? Life happens. People move on. And I'm always the one who gets left behind. So I figured I'd get out of here before that happens. Leave on my terms."

Freddie chuckled. "So your logic was, 'I don't want her to leave me, so I'm leaving her first.' That's a classic."

"I didn't say it was a good idea," Sam snapped. "That was just how I was thinking. Had my suitcase packed and everything. And then she asked me to her prom, and idiot that I was, I said yes. And we ended up dancing and kissing and…"

"And what?"

"Forget it. Rent a porn if you want those kinds of details. Point is, things were going great for a minute. And then Carly showed up and dropped this on me and now no matter what I do I'm hurting someone I care about. If I agree to do the show, I go back to Italy with her and I hurt Cat. If I stay here with Cat, I hurt Carly."

"I'm sorry, Sam. That really sucks."

Sam threw some slices of cold pizza on a plate and put them in the microwave. "Yeah it does," she said. "It sucks the big one. What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Freddie said. "I wish I had an answer. You're right, you'll end up hurting someone no matter what you decide. Which means the only way to get through this is to make the decision that will make you, Sam Puckett, happy. Which decision can you see yourself living with in ten years? Or twenty? How long would an iCarly reboot realistically go on? Do you see yourself marrying Cat someday? Or at least making a life-long commitment to her as your partner?"

Sam wandered back into her bedroom as Freddie spoke. She sat on her bed and glanced at a portrait of her and Carly, pulled right of the web show. The picture was one of her most cherished belongings, one of the few things she had brought from Seattle.

"Freddie?"

"Yeah?"

"You know all those years I kind of made fun of you for being a huge doof?"

"How could I forget?"

Sam chuckled. "Maybe I was wrong. A little bit."

"Maybe, huh?"

"Maybe. Probably. Thanks for listening."

"I'm always here for you, Sam. Let me know how things go, whatever you decide. And give Carly my best. I really miss you guys."

Sam almost ended the call right there, but she hesitated. "I might miss you too. A little. Maybe. Thanks, Freddie."

The microwave beeped in the kitchen. Sam smiled at the picture of her and Carly, then slid off the bed. She stopped as she passed by Cat's bed, her mind flashing back to the night and morning they shared there. She never thought she could love that girly, pink bed but the sight of it gave her chills now. She couldn't wait for Cat to get home so they could make some more memories in it.

Ten minutes later, Sam was nestled into the couch with a few slices of pizza piled onto a plate and a cold soda in-hand. She texted Cat to see what time she'd be home, then settled back to enjoy a mindless action movie.

Talking to Freddie had helped clarify her decision. It didn't really get her any closer to making it, but she absolutely understood the enormity of it. She had to accept that no matter what, someone she loved would be hurt. Taking it out of her hands in that way lifted some of the burden. She had to make the decision she could live with for the rest of her life. Not just tonight or next week but years from now.

She could reunite with her lifelong best friend and go back to making a web show that meant so much to both of them.

Or, she could stay with someone she didn't know as long, but who she was deeply, passionately connected to, and in love with.

Being an adult sucks, Sam thought.