there is time for gentleness in the cold storm
A Kimetsu no Yaiba Fan fiction
Original Characters
Disclaimer: I do not own Kimetsu no Yaiba
Warnings: grammatical errors, typos
This story contain Canon Character x Original Character pairing
The scent of wisteria fills the house like an invisible smoke. Mother never fails to light up the wisteria incense every night. Even when money is tight, Mother always goes out of her way to buy more so they will never run out. And money is always tight these days. Mother always lit up the wisteria incense since Sansa can remember. She never questioned it. Not until they are forced to move to their current home. Mother told her wisteria incense will protect them from evil. Her mother always lit up wisteria incense in their home. Sansa's mother continues the tradition.
Sansa thinks the money is better used for other necessities such as food and clothes. They don't exactly starve, but Mother's job at the teahouse doesn't allow them much luxury either. Mother already sold her precious kimono when they first moved in so they won't need to worry about rent for the next few months. Sansa loved that kimono. It is red with a bright floral pattern. That kimono was one of the few pretty things they have left. The two of them used to live in a house filled with pretty things. Sansa desperately wanted to go back. But that will never happen. Because Father is dead.
They learned of his passing when Eldest Brother came to their home only to tell them to leave. They didn't even get to attend the funeral. Sansa knows that Father's other relatives hate her and Mother. Enough that Mother talked her out of leaving the house. It's not like Sansa is forbidden from doing so, but Mother is afraid that Sansa will get involved in some foul play. She doesn't outright say it but Sansa is not blind to Mother's worry. Nor is she blind to the looks the servants gave her whenever they accompany Father to their home. If a person who never once spoke to her, who is not related to her by blood, can look at Sansa with such disdain they made Sansa feel worthless, Father's other children must be even worse.
And she was proven right. Eldest Brother came to their home a day after Father's death, followed by the rest of her half siblings and their families and servants, blazing with grief and hatred. He had looked at them as if they were manure. He is angry at them. Wrathful. How could anyone hate someone they never even met, Sansa wondered. She had been hiding behind Mother as he yelled abuse at them. At one point she is sure Eldest Brother is about to hit her. But he didn't. Either because there were witnesses or he has enough restraint in him, Sansa doesn't know. But he looked like he would relish in it. What will happen if Eldest Brother cornered her and Mother with no one is around?
Perhaps that is why Father comes to Mother whenever he is tired of his other family. Mother always offers him sweet words to soothe his heart, pour sake into his cup to help him relax, and give him kisses when they think Sansa is not looking. For Sansa, Father will give her headpats and gifts. Some praises here and there. Mother would often give Sansa a look from behind Father's shoulder to be mindful of her manners. She always took her aside and reminded Sansa not to give Father inconvenience in any way. Father came to them because they don't give him trouble. They are not difficult. That is how Father likes it.
And then he died and Mother and Sansa lost everything.
Eldest Brother will not let them live off Father's money after his passing. He made sure of it.
So that's how they ended up at the outskirts of town, in a house they must pay rent to, and Mother is forced to leave Sansa alone for hours while she works at the teahouse.
Sansa wanted to be angry. But Mother told her that anger makes a woman look ugly. The world hates ugly women. "My Sansa is beautiful," Mother says as she brushes her hair like she always does every evening, "So you must never neglect to take care of your appearance."
So Sansa tries not to be angry. Mother likes it when Sansa welcomes her home with a smile, almost like how they welcome Father with a smile on their faces whenever he visits. Pretty things make Sansa smile. Mother likes pretty things too. Sansa is pretty, so small wonder people smile at her whenever they see her walking by.
"What a pretty child," They would say.
If they are happy to see her, then they will be less likely to say hurtful things toward her and Mother. That is the conclusion seven years old Sansa came up with.
Whenever Sansa finds herself missing her old home and pretty kimonos and toys, she tells herself that things could have been worse. Mother could be separated from her. That is undoubtedly the worst thing in the world, more than losing kimonos and toys. Mother is doing her best. Sansa must not give her any inconvenience.
Mother is in the kitchen cooking. They used to have a servant, Tae-baasan, to take care of their daily needs in their old home. Tae-baasan couldn't come with them when they left the house, obviously. Now Mother needs Sansa's help to look after the house.
Things might change if a man is willing to take Mother as his wife. It shouldn't be too hard for Mother to attract a suitor. Mother is beautiful. Her silver hair shines white when the light hits her at the right angle. Small wonder why Mother's mother, Sansa's grandmother, named her Usuzumi, after usuzumizakura. Sansa is born with the same silver hair, along with grey eyes to match it. Mother is so beautiful she makes heads turn whenever they walk around town. Adults and children alike would stare at her. Most men hesitate the moment they notice Sansa but few brave ones would come forward and chat them up. Sansa wonders each time if the male will become her new father.
In the end, no one proposed to her. Sansa thinks it's because they don't want a bride who already has a child. Too bad for them. Mother won't ever leave her alone, and neither would she.
Still, Sansa can't help but get lonely. When Father is still around, Mother gets to stay inside the house all the time. Now Mother is busy at the teahouse during the day. Sansa amuse herself with juggling balls or braiding cords just like how Mother taught her. Mother also taught her how to sew. She bought heaps of clothes for Sansa to practise on. I cannot give you a kimono as pretty as your father once gave you. Mother said when she first taught Sansa (she pricked her thumb the first time). But I can still give you something. I can teach you.
Mother spends her day serving tea and snacks. Sansa spends hers stitching and cleaning.
There are no other children living nearby for her to play with. If there are any, they would keep their distance.
Not that Sansa will ever tell her mother. She already works so hard. Sansa is a good child. She needs to be a good child.
Mother calling out her name sends Sansa to her feet. It's time for dinner.
Sometimes Sansa comes to the station, all by herself, simply to watch trains go by, dreaming of a life waiting at the end of the railroad.
The train station is developed in their town the same year Sansa is born. It is also close to where Sansa and Mother live now. Not a single day gone by without them not walking past the train station. It takes about a few hours to reach Tokyo by train. The destination doesn't necessarily have to be the city. The government builds more train tracks each passing day. Every corner of Japan is within their fingertips. They could go wherever they want, as long as they have the tickets. Mother and Sansa could make a fresh start somewhere else. Maybe Mother's new husband will have a house somewhere else?
If no one is going to propose to her mother, it is up to Sansa to look after her. They will need to wait for a few more years but once Sansa is of age, she will be as beautiful as mother. Attracting suitors won't be a problem. Sansa only needs to pick the best one. What she'll do until then is another question. Sansa must pick a job or apprenticeship to help ease the burden on Mother's shoulders. An apprenticeship might require her to move away, leaving Mother all alone.
Personally, Sansa would prefer it if they move to the capital. There are more job opportunities there compared to the countryside. Mother could be in magazines. She definitely has the looks for it. Sansa can work as an attendant at the infamous Matsukoshi, the one in the song. Or be a model in magazines. She could become a singer or a movie star.
Mother is not a native of this town anyways. Sansa grew up in this town but she was not born here either. Father took them here after Sansa was born. He thought that he was bringing home his blushing bride and their daughter, but changed his mind after his adult children objected. They cannot accept a former onsen geisha as the new Shinano matriarch. Especially not when Mother is younger than Sansa's Eldest Brother. Father couldn't make Mother a Shinano, but he can make Sansa one. So he wrote down Sansa's name in the Shinano family registry. If he can't make Mother a Shinano, then Sansa should have this one at least. Mother doesn't have a family name of her own, being born out of wedlock like Sansa's herself. Sansa hopes her future husband will have a nice family name. Something not as common as Yamada, at the very least.
Mother doesn't have a family name, but she does have a second name. Aimatsu is the name given to her when Mother became a geisha. Sansa could not recall any instance when Father called Mother with her actual name. Sansa thinks Usuzumi suits Mother better than Aimatsu. Her husband must have a good name. Sansa adds that to her ever growing list of ideal husband criterias.
Her mother is always tightlipped whenever Sansa asks about her past. Sansa made a mistake when she asked her about her hometown when Mother is brushing her hair. Mother pulled her hair too hard. She never apologised. Sansa never mentioned Mother's hometown ever again. Mother's hometown must be horrid, if Mother is that upset at the mere mention of it. Sansa must not make her mother upset. Sansa is a good girl.
Who knows? Maybe a new man will marry Mother and take them away from here. Maybe Mother will save enough money for her and Sansa to start anew somewhere else. Then the new husband will appear. The world outside of this small town is endless.
Wherever Mother goes, Sansa will follow.
So for now, Sansa is content to watch trains come and go. Sansa watches on as the train gets smaller and smaller before she can't see it anymore. One day, she promised to herself, one day we will get on the train and leave this place.
She couldn't hardly wait for that day to come. But she must wait. She can wait. Sansa is a good girl.
The thing is.
The thing is, Sansa doesn't know everyone in this town but everyone knows exactly who she is. Mother was the mistress of the richest man in town. They are the only ones below fifty years old with silver-white hair. Last but not least, they are connected to the Shinano family.
Adults would whisper about her and Mother whenever they go out. Those people thought they weren't paying attention. Sansa never quite catches what they are saying. If they weren't whispering to themselves, they would stare. That, Sansa gets. Mother is too beautiful to ignore. They never leave the house when Father is still around so Sansa reasoned that they are simply curious. But it's been months now. The eyes Sansa can ignore but the whispers never seem to cease. Can they keep gossiping over the same subject again and again? Are they actually that interesting?
Bolstered by curiosity, Sansa sneaks to the marketplace one day while Mother is at work. She pulls her hair up to a messy bun (Mother is much more skilled at this) and covers them with a shawl.
Sansa walks down the busy street and can't help but marvel at their indifference.
The adults simply mind their own business. Their eyes never once linger at her form. They don't smile at her when Sansa passes by. No whispers either. The differences are so stark Sansa doesn't know what to think. Nor does she know how to feel.
Sansa stood at the side of the road, just to see what the grown ups will do next.
Nothing.
They simply ignore her as they go on their business. Some spare a glance at her and then focus back to their task when they realise she is not injured.
Interesting.
Sansa moves to the middle of the road. A child's feet are much shorter than an adult's, so her taking smaller steps is understandable. So what will happen if Sansa walks slower than usual..?
BAM
"Get out of the way, brat!"
Sansa shielded her face just in time before she hit the ground. She must not have a scratch on her face. Wounds are not pretty. The man who bumped into her is already walking away. None of the adults stop to help her. Many don't even look away from their tasks.
Sansa gets to her feet without anyone's help. She moved out of the way to avoid a repeat of what just took place earlier. Sansa hides behind a different corner.
An amount of time passes before Sansa steps out of her hiding spot and to the street once more. Her hair is free of any confines.
The adults look at her this time, eyes friendly and the corners of their mouths quirk upward. When Sansa pretends to fall, they rush over to help her.
The realisation hit her like a ton of bricks.
The world likes pretty things. If you aren't pretty, you are worth nothing.
Sansa leaves the house more often after that day. Not so often that Mother realised that her daughter has been disobeying her though. Sansa does feel guilty for breaking her promise to Mother like that, but how could she know anything if she stays inside all the time? They had spent most of Sansa's life inside the House. Mother couldn't possibly think to keep her inside forever. Even if it's for Sansa's own sake. Staying inside didn't protect them from Eldest Brother after all.
Sansa always made sure to finish her chores and whatever task Mother assigned to her first. Sansa is a good girl.
Hair hidden, Sansa would spy on the adults. It's amazing how much you can get away with when you are invisible. Sansa would hear the adults converse about things they won't say to their 's how she learned bad words such as whore, cock and much more.
Apparently Mother is a whore in their eyes due to her past work. They made her out to be a bad woman. Sansa's mother is anything but bad. Then everything gets worse when the men begin to speak of how Mother refused them. They wanted Mother to sell her body to them.
Those men never wanted a wife in the first place. They just want to fuck her mother.
Sansa couldn't bear to hear anymore as they went on and on with their degrading words. If they actually say all these horrid things to Mother's face, no wonder Mother forbids her to visit her workplace.
'Mother smiles for my sake too,' Sansa thought. 'Like how I smile for Mother's.'
The adults smile when they see her silver hair and pretty face. Sansa smiles back because she must be a good girl, but in her heart she seethes.
I'll smile as much as you want me to, but none of you will ever be our family. We will never be truly yours.
One day she and Mother will board that train. Then these people will never get to see her silver hair and smile ever again.
House and home are synonymous but they are not exactly the same. A house refers to a building. Home is the place that sets your heart at ease at the mere sight of it. Sometimes you still mistake a house as a home because it holds the memory of one. Sansa doesn't know it then. She misses their old home all the same. She misses the days where Mother can stay inside with her all day. She misses the radio on top of the shelves that would play the latest hit songs. She misses the flowers in the garden. She misses the life they once had in that house. Sansa wants it back so bad.
Sansa doesn't tell Mother. She doesn't want to make Mother feel that she is not enough for Sansa. She is. She is.
But Mother wouldn't understand. Sansa doesn't quite understand either. There are no words that can describe the growing ache in her chest. It twists itself into a knot that can't be undone. It's not sickness, as far as Sansa can tell, but it won't go away either. Sansa dearly hopes it is not an illness. Medicine is not cheap.
And then she heard what people have been calling Mother behind her back.
Sansa doesn't know how she was able to stay calm when Mother came home that evening. Sansa looked her mother in the eye and smiled while the word whore kept repeating in her mind. Maybe Mother knows. Maybe she is unaware. It will be cruel if Sansa asks. Never mind that Mother will know of her little adventures then.
Mother has her secrets. Now Sansa has hers too.
But it doesn't make it any easier.
Sansa is desperate to go away. Anywhere but the house they must pay rent for. Certainly not the streets, where people will look at her and smile and expect a smile in return. Sansa thinks she is becoming a good actress, but she is not that good.
(Not yet.)
There is only one place she can think of. A place that she dreamed of every time she slipped under the covers. The place she wishes for when she wakes up to the still unfamiliar ceiling above her head. Mother is trying, Sansa reminds herself everyday, but it's just not the same.
Sansa put a cover over her head and head out.
Their House is mostly unchanged, as far as Sansa can see. Her legs are too short so Sansa won't be able to look past the walls even if she stands on her toes. She doesn't know how to climb. The only way for her to get inside is to walk through the gates. That means sneaking in. This was their home not a year ago. Now Sansa must skulk around like a thief.
Should she do it? Is it worth it? What if they already cleared out the place? Mother would know in an instant if Sansa brought something back with her. And Sansa will never be allowed to leave ever again as punishment. It's not fair. None of this is fair.
Sansa stands in front of the gates, hesitating, contemplating. To go in or turn around? Forward or backward?
She is rooted at the spot for who knows how long. Sansa allowed herself to get lost in the memories. Only when she did move, Sansa realised how easy it is for her to turn her back on the House. Her feet are surprisingly light while her heart sinks. Yet her heart doesn't break into pieces. Her eyes are dry.
"Good bye," Sansa said without thinking.
Perhaps this is for the best. If she had walked through those gates, Sansa has a feeling that she will lose herself in the memories and wants and be forever trapped. Sansa will not stay in this town forever. She must part with the house eventually. Never to see it again. Might as well be now. The hurt is worth the happiness Sansa and Mother will have in the future. This was their home, yes, but Sansa and Mother will live in a new house once either one of them gets a husband. 'We are always meant to leave this place.' It did little to console her but Sansa cannot deny the truth in it.
"Good bye," Sansa said again, louder this time.
Sansa turns her back on the house.
...And almost collide with someone.
Sansa almost fell over but she managed to keep her balance. She looks up, apology at the tip of her tongue, when she sees who it is she just bumped into.
Shinano Taichiro.
Shinano Ichiro's firstborn son.
Eldest Brother.
He has Father's eyes, his nose and his jaw. He is tall where Father's back was slightly hunched from old age. Sansa is staring at the image of Father in his youth. But the similarity ends there. Father gave her indulgent smiles, Eldest Brother only has scowls for her.
"You," Eldest Brother hissed. "What are you doing here?" His eyes were just as hostile as they were on that day.
Sansa hesitated. Eldest Brother took it as a confirmation of some sorts because his scowl deepened.
"You think you could just come back and live here once more? Must I remind you once more? You and your bitch of a mother are not wanted here. Father may have insisted on letting you have our name but you will never become one of us." Each word coming out of his mouth is dripping with hatred. "Nor will I let you take any more dime from us. Is this what are you doing here? You want to steal from us? This house is never yours to begin with. Should have never been yours. If you think I will pay you money so you will go away, forget it. We will not spend any more of our hard earned money to the likes of you."
The thing is, Eldest Brother is not off the mark. Sansa does wish for her old life. She doesn't miss Father or the rest of the Shinano family. What Sansa misses is their money. But she can't say it in front of Eldest Brother. It will achieve nothing but further set him off.
"If you're here that means your mother is here as well," Eldest Brother's face darkened at the thought. He made a gesture to the servant standing behind him. Sansa had not realised that Eldest Brother didn't come here alone.
"She's not here," Sansa piped up. Both men turn to look at her. "I came here alone."
Eldest Brother looked surprised at that. He quickly gets over it though. He lifts his chin higher, eyes mocking and hateful at the same time. He looked so big in Sansa's eyes.
"Like mother, like daughter, I see." Eldest Brother sneers. "Small wonder. Considering what your mother is… Father should have not brought that whore here. How are we supposed to know if you are truly his? Your mother is a geisha. A vulgar woman like her is not fit to be our matriarch. We don't need someone like her or you in our family. If you think to beg for us to take you in, forget it. We will not spend any more of our hard earned money to the likes of Aimatsu."
"Her name is Usuzumi!" Sansa snapped. She takes a deep breath. Eldest Brother won't give her any mercy. Her beauty won't save her. All she has is her wits. And courage. She must be brave. Sansa must be strong like Mother. "My mother's name is not Aimatsu. It's Usuzumi. And she is a better person than you'll ever be."
Eldest Brother let out a scoff. "A woman with no education, no family and no backing?"
"She has me," Sansa shot back.
"An extra mouth to feed. If your mother is smart, she will leave you behind and look for another fool to mooch off."
How dare this man insinuate that Mother will leave her behind? He doesn't know them at all yet he so readily despises them. What had they done to earn his hatred other than existing? They never meddle with the main family. They were never seen in public before Father passed away. Mother never as much as mentions Eldest Brother by name. But he had done nothing but heap insults upon insults about Mother since she bumped to him. Blood siblings or not, this man had gone too far.
Good girls don't let insults toward their mother slide. Sansa is a good girl.
"She's not you," Sansa says calmly, gracefully. Mother is always graceful. "Mother is not as cruel as you. Good people don't abandon each other because they find the other no longer useful. Father was loyal to my mother."
That is what angers Eldest Brother the most, Sansa realised. The fact that Father chose Mother. He could have left Mother after their first time together. But he kept coming back to her. These encounters led to Sansa's birth. The whole thing could have been settled with money. The Shinano clan is wealthy to support a mistress and illegitimate child. Father could have kept his distance from Mother and Sansa. Father could have left Mother and Sansa alone, never to appear before them. But he chose to bring them here. Father was committed to them.
Sansa would have committed to the Shinano clan too, had Eldest Brother been kind to them.
Eldest Brother can't reconcile with that. Father is not here anymore. So Eldest Brother took out his anger at Mother and Sansa in his place. In his eyes, Sansa is the physical proof of Shinano Ichiro's mistake.
Sansa draws herself to full height. Even at the tender age of seven years old, Sansa has Mother's beauty. She did a blunder before by snapping but she will not repeat the same mistake twice. So Sansa smiles instead. A smile is the last thing Eldest Brother expects from her at the moment. It would hurt his pride to see her smile instead of cowering before him.
"Rest assured, sir. I am not a threat to you or our siblings. Father is no longer here with us. No matter what you say or do to us, it won't bring him back. It is not healthy to be angry all the time. Won't you let his spirit rest already? I think Father would like that."
She talks to him with the same tone Mother uses whenever she reprimands Sansa. It must be vexing for Eldest Brother, to hear that from a child he hates, who looks so alike to the woman he hates. Shinano Ichiro fought against his family so Sansa could have his name.
"Shut up," Eldest Brother's tone is eerily calm.
"Father was concerned about you," Sansa presses on despite the dangers. She still remembers the times Father lamented about the main family. How Eldest Brother frustrated him and concerned him at the same time. "Father had great hopes for you. He would want you to move on. You are head of the family now. You had my mother and I removed. Why aren't you satisfied yet?"
What are you even doing here?
What brings Shinano Taichiro to come all the way to the former residence of his father's mistress? Sansa couldn't think of any reason why he would. Eldest Brother won't spend a night here of all places. It's been one year already. What plan does he have in mind for the house?
Eldest Brother steps forward. His eyes shining with emotion. "You have no right to talk about Father."
"He was the only father I've ever known," Her smile does not waver as she speaks. Lies are less effective in this little battle of theirs. Plain truth will deliver the most hurt. "And now we are fatherless."
He moves at that. Sansa braces herself for the pain that never comes. The servant Eldest Brother brought with him stepped in just time to pull her out of the way. Eldest Brother's fist connected with his jaw. The man staggered for a moment but remained at his feet. Sansa didn't get to see his expression, but it was enough to make Eldest Brother pause.
"That's quite enough, Taichiro-sama," The man says with a weary tone.
Eldest Brother bristled at that, but he lowered his fist.
The servant turned around to look at her. "Are you all right?" She can hear the genuine concern in his voice.
Sansa smiles at him. A true smile. "Yes. Thank you for your help." She looks at Eldest Brother. He did not rise to her words until she mentioned that they are both without a father. Of course this is about Father.
Sansa had hit him where it hurts the most. The result had not been disappointing. Shinano Taichiro has shown his true colors. Now it is time for the two of them to go home and lick their wounds.
She sidestep the servant so she is in full view of Eldest Brother. Silver hair and eyes. More Usuzumi than Shinano. Shinano Taichiro will never use her or Mother to settle whatever debt Father left behind, be it imaginary or otherwise. Sansa won't allow it.
"Father will be so proud to see you right now," Each word is dripping with sarcasm. Eldest Brother's fists clenched his sides but he made no other move. The servant is still watching. Eldest Brother will take her smile as mockery, she knows. That is the point.
"Good bye, aniue."
The evenings are Sansa's time with Mother. After they had dinner, they would do whatever Sansa wanted. Sansa usually just asks Mother to brush her hair. Poor Mother is tired from work. Sansa must not ask more from her.
Mother and daughter hide things behind their smiles, behind well practised gestures, tucked neatly in the sleeves of their kimono. Sansa doesn't tell her mother that she knows what men in town called her. Mother doesn't tell- She doesn't tell Sansa a lot of things.
So she sings instead.
Mother's charm is not only limited to her appearance. Sansa thinks that her mother has the loveliest voice in the entire world. She can hear the love in her voice. Often time accompanied by sadness but Mother always looked satisfied afterwards. Mother knows many songs. Most of them were taught by her many onee-san back in the onsen town she came from. Sansa knows them all by heart. But there is this one song that Sansa absolutely adores. And as if the universe is listening, Mother chose to sing Sansa's favourite song for tonight's hair brushing session.
Inochi mijikashi
Koi seyo otome
Akaki kuchibiru
Asenu ma ni
Atsuki chishio no
Hienu ma ni
Asu no tsukihi no
Nai mono wo
Life is brief. Fall in love, maidens. Before the crimson bloom fades from your lips. Before the tides of passion cool within you, for there is no such thing as tomorrow, after all.
Inochi mijikashi
Koi seyo otome
Iza te wo torite
Ka no fune ni
Iza moyuru ho wo
Kimiga ho ni
Koko ni wa dare mo
Konu mono wo
Life is brief. Fall in love, maidens. Before his hands take up his boat. Before the flush of his cheeks fades. For there is not a person who comes hither.
Inochi mijikashi
Koi seyo otome
Nami ni tadayou
Fune no yo ni
Kimiga yawate wo
Waga kata ni
Koko niwa hitome mo
Nai mono wo
Life is brief. Fall in love, maidens. Before the boat drifts away on the waves. Before the hand resting on your shoulder becomes frail. For there is no reach here for the sight of others
Inochi mijikashi
Koi seyo otome
Kurokami no iro
Asenu ma ni
Kokoro no honoo
Kienu ma ni
Kyou wa futatabi
Konu mono wo
Life is brief. Fall in love, maidens. Before the raven tresses begin to fade. Before the flame in your hearts flicker and die. For today, once passed, is never to come again.
Sansa waited until the song finished before speaking up. "But, Mother, I don't have black hair."
"Then your lover can have black hair," Mother replied.
"Oh." That makes sense. Sansa's future husband can be the one with black hair. Father's hair was silver like Mother but duller and thin due to old age. Mother is still in her early twenties. At least she and Sansa will never have to worry about hair turning grey.
The thought of Father brings her back to this afternoon. The House. Eldest Brother. And now we are fatherless.
"Do you love Father, Mother?"
"Your father was a generous man," Mother answered.
'She doesn't say no but it's not a yes either.'
"Why did you choose him then? You're so pretty. You can choose anyone you like."
Surely Mother has many suitors, if not more, in her youth. Father couldn't possibly be her only suitor. There has to be someone younger. Someone closer to her age. Someone without children.
"Do you know why I named you Sansa?"
"No." She never thought about it. The characters of her name are mitsu and mata. Three and fork. Combine them together and you'll get a three-way fork. It is not as pretty as Hana or Fuyuki. "Why did you choose that name?"
Mother's hand moved again. "I don't have many options back then. Your father was the safest choice I could make. So I took it."
"Is it…," Sansa licked her dry lips. "Is it because of me?"
An unwedded woman with a child does not have many options. Sansa knows that much.
Mother put down the brush. She gently turns Sansa around to face her. Gentle hands cup her face. "My mother, your grandmother, lived her whole life in the small town she was born at without ever setting foot outside. She was never able to, when she was still alive. She wanted to but things were difficult back then. It was safer to stay… I want you to have a better life than I had. I pray that you will have more choices than I did. That you will always have a choice. That you will be able to get to make a choice. Sansa means three-way fork. That's why I named you Sansa. May you always have more than one path ahead of you."
"What happened, Mother?"
Mother is silent for such a long time that Sansa becomes worried before speaking. "Do you know why I always lit up wisteria incense at night?"
"To make evil don't get inside the house," Sansa readily answered.
"That's right. Evil takes many forms, Sansa. You are too young to know them all but sometimes evil takes the shape of people. Not everyone you meet will be kind to you. They will smile in front of you but they will hurt you if they have the opportunity. But sometimes… Sometimes you turned evil without meaning to. My mother was someone like that. She became something I didn't recognize."
Fear gripped Sansa's heart. "Grandmother was a criminal?"
"That is what the world would call her, yes, but to me, she will always be my mother, even when she is no longer my mother at that point." Mother is silent for another moment. "That is why I always make sure we never run out of wisteria incense. I don't want you to be turned too. Or worse, for myself to be turned like my mother was." Mother pulls Sansa close. "I don't want to hurt you."
Sansa buries her face in Mother's neck. "Did she pass away in prison? Grandmother."
"No." Sansa feels Mother's hold tightened, "But she still dies in the end."
And then Mother is all alone. Sansa's little fists clench onto the fabric of Mother's kimono.
"I've decided."
"Hm?"
Sansa pulls away so Mother can properly look at her. "When I'm older, I will take you away from this town. We'll go to the train station and get on the train. I will pick a good man to be my husband. He will be kind and strong and young. His hair will be black just like in the song. You will stay with us, of course. My husband and I will take care of you, Mother. You won't ever have to worry about money ever again. You will be safe with us. You can stay at home and sing to your heart's content. We will be happy. I promise."
They will be far away from Shinano Taichiro's reach. None of the men in this town are worthy for Mother. A fresh beginning for both mother and daughter. Mother will no longer have to worry about putting food on the table because Sansa will take care of it. They will have a new house. A new life. One free of worry, heartaches and the evil Mother speak of.
Mother smiles and touches her nose. "Let me be the one who worried in this house, darling. As long as you are content, I am content."
'But I am nowhere near content,' Sansa thinks as Mother turns her around so she resumes brushing her hair. 'And neither are you.'
Instead, Sansa says; "Will you sing the song again, Mother? Please?" Because Sansa is a good girl.
Mother laughs, bright and soft, and easily agrees to her request.
"Inochi mijikashi koi seyo otome…"
And then one day, Mother fell ill.
This story is self indulgent writing, just like most fan fiction out there.
Kinda ironic that I posted this when KNY is about to end.
Thank you for reading
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