She didn't get back to her apartment for another two hours. She would start out running and then walk so that she could catch her breath. Then her demons would pop back into her mind and she would take off running again wishing that she could leave them far behind. She tried pushing her guilt and fear out of her mind but they always creeped back up. Lindy had always been good at keeping her emotions bottled up, but she knew that if she didn't do something about them soon they were going to boil over eventually. It was one of the reasons among others she had decided to do self-defense with Tommy, she needed to punch, kick, and scream. She wasn't going to hurt Tommy, she'd never do that on purpose, but there would likely be a boxing bag at the gym where they were going to train and she was not going to spare it.
She let herself into her apartment, calling out Sophia's name. She looked in all of the rooms but Sophia wasn't there and neither was Connor, she figured Connor had taken her out for lunch since it was already noon. That was fine. She didn't want Sophia to see through her. She didn't want her to see that she was still upset despite the talk they had that morning.
She went into the bathroom locking the door behind her and stared at herself in the mirror. She didn't look so good to say the least. There were dark circles under her eyes, she had lost weight, and there was a haunted look in her eyes. She looked away, she couldn't bear to look at herself anymore. She needed a long hot shower. She turned on the tap as hot as she could stand it, stripped down, and walked in letting the water wash over her. If only she could wash away everything. Everything she had done, she felt dirty every time she thought about what she did with Jake. It was something she had never told anybody about, not even Sophia. She wouldn't be able to stand the look of horror that would surely be on her friend's face if she ever found out. She wished she could take it back, that she could have known. It was eating her up inside, it was her fault he did what he did. She shook herself. No, Sophia, was right, it was not her fault some creep had thought that what he was doing was going to win over Lindy. She scrubbed herself until her skin was pink trying to wash away the memory of Jake. She turned off the tap and stepped out of the bathtub, wrapping a towel around herself. The room was full of steam from her shower, fogging up the mirror so that she couldn't see herself. Good she didn't want to.
Tommy had been at the precinct for a few hours now, a folder opened in front of him for another case, but he couldn't concentrate. He was thinking about Lindy. He knew that he was acting like an idiot but he couldn't help it. He was wondering what she was doing at that moment. He shook his head trying to clear it." Get a hold of yourself, Calligan," he told himself sternly. He'd dated girls before but never really in a serious way, they'd go out a few times, have some fun, and then part ways. He desperately wished that he and Lindy could just part ways, but at the same time he didn't want to, he couldn't. Lindy had cast some sort of spell on him without even trying, she drove him completely crazy but it didn't really bother him, he rather liked it. But he knew that he had to push those feelings away. He tried so damn hard to push down his feelings but whenever he caught sight of her all his efforts evaporated. But he knew that nothing could even happen between them, his loyalty to Ben came first not a girl, but this wasn't just some girl, this was Lindy.
Tommy saw a shadow fall over his desk. He looked up into Sargent Shaw's eyes. She had been in the hospital for a few days before being released and had made a full recovery. She had taken a week off and was now back at Cyber Crimes, seemingly to bother Tommy. A knowing look was on her face. "I see your mind is on other things, Detective." Tommy immediately became defensive. "No I've been here working at my desk the whole morning."
"If you call staring off into space working, then yes, you've been hard at work."
"Is this supposed to be an interrogation? Is there something you need me to do, Sargent?" he said a bit too testily to his superior, but it didn't appear to faze her.
"I thought that after we caught Jake Bolin you would be relieved, at peace even, you have closure, but you still act like there is someone out to get you."
It's because I can't get over Lindy he thought, but he quickly pushed that thought out of his mind. "Is this supposed to be some kind of new touchy feely management approach you're taking with me?"
He saw something flash in her eyes. "A serial killer who was Ben's killer and Lindy's stalker was caught, yet you still seem uneasy, why?"
It's not like he and his boss ever talked very openly about anything only about work related stuff, not about their feelings. So why was she even asking? He didn't really want to talk about his feelings, feelings that he couldn't even bring himself to admit let alone to his boss. She saw the look on his face and a look of understanding passed over hers. "Ah, I see." She laid a hand over his shoulder, he wanted to move away, but didn't. "You should tell her." Tommy had finally had enough he moved away from her hand and stood up. He knew exactly who she was referring to without her actually saying it and he didn't appreciate his boss meddling into his personal life.
"What is it Sargent? Is there something you actually need? Because I know you don't normally stop by and chit-chat no matter what's been going on, so there's no good reason you're here right now like a psychiatrist, so what is it?" She looked at him calmly, giving nothing away. She was trained to hide what she was really feeling. So was Tommy but he seemed to have forgotten how to do that with Lindy around. He had come close to showing her too many times how much he really cared about her. The closest having been when he had had to let her leave Hart Island with Jake. Hearing her say she loved Jake had been harder than Lindy could have possibly imagined, he had felt like she had actually punched him in the gut.
"You're right, detective, there is a reason I'm here right now," she said, her voice turning businesslike. "Come into my office," she motioned for him to follow her. He did so, grudgingly. "Close the door behind you and take a seat, Tommy." A small alarm went off in his head, she had called him by his name. She normally always called him, detective or just Calligan. Whatever this was he wasn't going to like it.
He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. "Sit down, Tommy."
"I'm fine standing." She let it slide and sat down behind her own desk. She didn't waste any time. "Bubonic has been active again." Catherine let the words sink in. "Bubonic has always been a priority for the Cyber Crimes Unit, he got pushed back a bit because of the Flirtual Killer case, but now that that has been resolved we need to focus all of our energy and resources on Bubonic. Two days ago he hacked and brought down several government systems in Washington and we have every reason to believe that he'll try to bring down our Cyber Crimes Unit. He's mad and intent on revenge. We don't know what he's planning, but we need to keep our eyes and ears open. I need you alert, Tommy, and if that takes settling things with Lindy than do so. She can't be a distraction to you. She's a great girl, one of the smartest and most determined people I have ever met and she has you wrapped around her finger and yet she doesn't even know it."
Tommy stood up straight ready to defend himself to tell her how wrong she was, but she held up a hand to stop him. "Don't bother trying to say otherwise, Tommy. It's in your eyes every time you look at her, your eyes follow her around the room, you're always ready to keep her from harm's way at a moment's notice. I'm not blaming you for falling—."
Tommy left the room before she could finish her sentence, slamming the door behind him. How was it that his boss could tell? He grabbed his leather jacket from the back of his chair and his phone from his desk and walked out of the precinct into the cool New York afternoon.
The guilt was always there, his feelings were always there even though he never wanted to admit it to himself, but he couldn't keep denying it. What would Ben think? If he were alive and Tommy had gone after Lindy that would have been a horrible thing to do, a betrayal. But even though it always hurt him to think about it, Ben was gone. He had to go on with his life, he wanted to have a chance to be with someone he knew would make him happy. He couldn't keep denying it anymore as messed up and wonderful as it was, he knew that he was in love with Lindy Sampson.