"Something made of love sent its love straight into her heart. She opened her eyes, her hands, her heart,"
— Jeanette Winterson, from "The Battles of the Sun," publ. c. November 2009
"You look awful," Shippo informed her, peering up at her with squinted eyes. Rin looked down at the little fox demon and gave him a dead-eyed stare. Kagome and Sango both made disapproving noises on Rin's behalf. Shippo shrugged but apologized, taking some of the sincerity out of the apology by adding; "You do, though."
The mind was a mysterious thing. It was amazing to her how the moment that your brain decides that something is going to make you feel a certain way, it is almost impossible to convince it otherwise. By amazing, what she really meant was horrible and irritating. Rin was a mess and that was just a fact of life that she refused to acknowledge.
Her long nights of tossing and turning had resumed and felt like they had gotten worse. She no longer could get comfortable, devoting most of her time to laying one way, rolling over, laying there for a few minutes, flipping her pillow over, rolling over again. Every time she started to drift off to sleep, she saw his face in her mind and she knew what her subconscious was going to try to do so she would open her eyes again. She hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in days and it showed.
"Thanks, Shippo," Rin intoned, her tone implying that she was not thankful in the least. She wasn't sure what his plan was, but it also wasn't beyond him to get a little naughty like this after he spent too much time with the other kitsune. It was almost like their mischief rubbed off on him and made him doubly so. Sango chased the little demon away to go play with her children and then it was just the three of them. Rin glanced over at Kagome and saw her and Sango exchanging a look of their own. Upon noticing them, Rin was suddenly very interesting in making sure the corners of the pants she was folding matched perfectly. So interested, in fact, that she had an excuse to ignore them.
"Are you feeling okay, Rin?" Asked Kagome, sounding so sincere that Rin almost immediately told these women everything that had been weighing on her mind for weeks. Honestly, she wondered if the reason why this whole situation was bothering her so much was because she didn't feel like it was something she could tell anyone. It was right there on the tip of her tongue, but as she opened her mouth all she could see was Kaede's pitying face or the sudden and odd cold-shoulder she had received from her Lord a few days ago, and it was enough to have her snapping her lips shut again. If she was being honest, she was afraid of more people confirming what she already knew; that what she wanted was impossible. If it was just her, there was still that small voice in the back of her mind that said but maybe…
"I'm alright," she assured the two, placing her laundry aside. "I just have had a hard time sleeping lately." Sango let out a sympathetic hum, her eyes sliding pointedly over to where her children roughhoused nearby. Kagome didn't seem satisfied with that answer, wrinkling up her nose and sighing.
"Well, if it ever is something, you know, bigger than that," she had a light tone, but Rin knew that she was worried about her. That was just the way that Kagome was, she was sweet and caring and when she said she was worried about you she meant it. "You could always tell us. Whatever it is, your secret's safe with us."
"Thank you," Rin told her, and she meant it. Kagome nodded and went back to what she was doing, but Rin couldn't help but hesitate. Do it, whispered the part of her brain that missed having peace. "A-actually," she started. Kagome and Sango both perked up in her direction. "Kaede and I had a…kind of an argument a week or so ago."
"An argument?" Sango's eyebrow popped up at the idea of Rin having an argument with anyone. Rin shrugged and gestured around with her hands.
"Well, argument is maybe the wrong word," she amended, already stuck. Rin looked back down at her hands, fiddling her fingers together.
"Did something she say upset you?" Kagome probed, shaking out a shirt with a snap. Rin sighed.
"No…" She hesitated, "Well, yes, but it wasn't anything new." Sango and Kagome both fixed her with a stare. Rin wilted. "It was about Lord Sesshomaru." Both of the older women made sounds of understanding and Rin blushed.
"Did Kaede mention something about you staying?" Kagome asked. Rin shook her head.
"No, not really," though it was a conversation they had had before, one among many in Kaede's great plan to keep her out of the wilderness. "She just told me that I shouldn't 'get my hopes up'," Rin put air quotes around that and made a face, "and it was all just a very odd interaction."
"Ah, I see," Kagome nodded sagely. "Well, Rin you know that Kaede just has your best interests at heart even if the way she says them isn't always, uh…" Kagome pursed her lips as she thought of a good descriptor.
"Kind?" Rin supplied, feeling vindictive. Sango laughed under her breath.
"Tactful," Kagome corrected. "And, besides, you and her have had this same conversation for years, why is it bothering you so much this time?"
Rin, who had been starting to feel better as she conversed and made small jokes with her friends, felt all of the wind go out of her sails again. How could she explain that that was the issue? That this time she was scared that Kaede was right and that it wasn't just her wanting to leave with her Lord, but that she wanted so much more—that she felt so much more. How could she explain that while, yes, Lord Sesshomaru had made exceptions for her there was no way that he would feel the same magnitude of feelings for her as she did for him? It wasn't so simple. Nothing was simple in this new world where Rin's heart was no longer her own. How miserable…
"I don't know," Rin lied and grabbed her laundry basket, standing up. She propped the basket against her hip and smiled at the two older women. "I'll see you guys later!" Kagome and Sango watched her walk away, the two of them in their own separate, but very similar, contemplative silences.
As Rin walked, she indulged in a contemplative silence of her own. The laundry was the last thing she really had to do today, and now that she had gotten it done she wondered what she would do to fill her time. The summer sun offered her a bit more daylight and she wondered if she would be able to escape out of the village and go lay in the fields and watch the clouds until the sky turned a burnt orange. Rin smiled at the thought but as tempting as it was, she knew that she needed to keep busy because when she wasn't then her mind would wander and she was quite sick of her wandering mind.
"Rin! Hey!" A voice called out, pulling her back to herself. She turned her head to see one of the village boys that Kaede had not-so-subtly hinted that he could be a decent match a while ago before Rin had made it very abundantly clear that she would rather gargle hot rocks than marry anyone here. He jogged up, falling into step with her as she wandered back towards Kaede's home. He smiled at her, sweaty and dirty from work, peering to look into her basket. "What're you doing?"
"Hey, Yuto," she greeted kindly if not a little robotically, frowning at him invading her space like he knew her well when he very decidedly did not. But that was just him; he was obliviously floppy like a puppy that just got it's legs under him. "Just laundry," she barely resisted the childish urge to tip her basket away from him so he couldn't see the contents. He nodded and put his hands over his head as they walked, stretching.
"Sounds fun! I just got done with my work, too," the way he said it made it sound like he expected her to chime in and he even had a slight pause but Rin said nothing, looking ahead at her destination, not sure what he wanted her to say. "It's hard work but it always feels good to be done with it. It's gotten a lot easier since most of the demons have been driven away. It's way more enjoyable when you can just work and not have to keep looking over your shoulder and worry about dying." Rin opened her mouth to join in the conversation, but he kept on talking as if she wasn't there, "You know, one time when I was helping dad we got attacked by a demon! It pinned me down and tried to spear its tongue through my head," he pointed to the center of his forehead as if Rin had no earthly reference to what a head looked like. "But I pushed it off and then we killed it." He finished, somewhat lamely in her opinion. A storyteller, he was not.
"That's nice," Rin answered, voice bright, walking a little faster as they neared Kaede's home. Yuto, who was a few inches taller than her, was able to keep up easily.
"Yeah," he hesitated for a second, "Rin if you're done with your chores do you think you would want to come with me for a walk?"
"Oh, I can't," Rin lamented sadly as they finally reached Kaede's door. She readjusted the laundry against her hip, hiking it up a bit from where it had slid down during her quick walk. "Kaede and I were going to do some… uh, stuff, later and I can't back out on that." His expression looked confused.
"What stuff?" He asked. Rin laughed and waved her hand around.
"Oh, you know, this and that," Rin rolled her eyes as if 'this and that' were a huge bother on her and she wasn't actively lying through her teeth. "You go on that walk and enjoy yourself, though. Maybe invite Kimura with you, she likes walks." And with that final piece of advice, Rin turned her back on him and ducked through the entrance of her home.
Inside, she made eye contact with Kaede who was looking at her in a very unimpressed fashion, clearly having overheard the mess that had just transpired outside. Rin schooled her expression and walked in like normal, setting the laundry down next to her guardian before surreptitiously peeking out the window to see if her would-be walking buddy had left. He was still kind of standing out there with his hands on his hips, back to the home, like he had just experienced something absolutely confounding. Poor guy, Rin tsked, watching him, but reminded herself that she had never once expressed an ounce of interest in him and that he was going to be perfectly fine.
"Eventful day?" Kaede asked. Rin squinted at Yuto as he walked off towards his home, breathing a sigh of relief.
"No, it was pretty boring," she turned back towards her housemate, coming over to join her by the fire.
"He's a very nice boy," Kaede said pointedly. "You could do worse than him, you know."
"I could do much better, as well." Rin retorted, her long nights and this old, repetitive conversation making her snappy. Kaede raised her brow at the tone that rang through their silent home. Rin held her breath for a moment before rubbing her temples with her fingers. "I'm sorry, Kaede. I didn't mean to snap." Kaede didn't respond, just prodded at the fire. Rin stood up and collected a few things before walking towards the door, tossing behind her, "I'll be back."
After casting a cautious eye back and forth to make sure Yuto wasn't waiting outside to ambush her, she took off towards the river. She stepped carefully, following the familiarly winding path towards the small area where most of the village would clean themselves, the fading sunlight meaning that the shadows were that much deeper. Unlike Yuto, she was not afraid of being eaten by a stray demon but of slipping and cracking her head open on a rock. Besides, as Yuto had mentioned, Inuyasha's presence had driven away a good majority of the lesser demons in the past years and, Rin suspected, that Lord Sesshomaru's frequent visits meant that even the foolish, brave, stragglers had decided it wasn't worth it. Keeping me safe even when he isn't around, she thought to herself with a secret smile as she reached the bottom of the hill and rounded the corner.
As she neared the water, she paused, hesitating and glancing up towards the top of the hills around the shallow canyon-like area that the water gathered in. Rin realized that this was the perfect excuse for her to sneak away for a bit without anyone looking for her or drawing suspicions. She wanted to go and see if she could find Lord Sesshomaru, to get a chance to talk to him and maybe ask if she had done something to upset him. To see if he was just as distant with her when Jaken wasn't around or when she wasn't being actively attacked. For peace of mind, she told herself, nodding firmly, making her decision.
With a quick glance around, she bent over and set down her soap, mentally making a note to come back for it later, and then hurried back up the hill. Rin walked quickly, hoping that Yuto really had gone home and wouldn't see her wandering around very obviously not doing all of her very important stuff. She smiled and waved at some neighbors walking by, doing a double take and squinting at the overlook on the far edge of the village where a familiar, distant, white blob had been a moment before. She could have sworn that she had seen… He wasn't there now, but he must've just been there.
Smiling, she ran to where she had seen him, standing and looking around as she caught her breath. She craned her head around, the smile that she had been wearing slowly dimming the longer she remained alone. With a dejected sigh, she crossed her arms and looked out over the village, staring at the roofs but not really seeing them as she considered whether she had imagined him or not. You would know him anywhere, she assured herself even as that knowledge meant that she had seen him and he had left her. Which was worse?
A gentle gust of wind lifted strands of her hair in a small dance, some stray leaves blowing past her feet, and she sighed in tandem with it. Rin reached up and pushed her hair back behind her ears, watching the figures of people walking from home to home and wondering how often her Lord stood here. She smiled, knowing his proclivity for standing on ledges and looking at the sky, then tried to imagine him looking down at her as she just existed, unaware. It was comforting, it was familiar, and it made her feel oddly homesick. That melancholy pang struck so hard it left her wincing and swallowing hard.
A soft sound had her turning towards the trees, and there he was emerging from the darkness. She smiled at him, grinning broadly and waving as he walked forward until he stood next to her, also looking out over the houses. She turned as he walked to keep herself facing him and tried to read him. What are you looking for? Rin mused, even as she took in all of his little cues; the way that he was standing close enough that she would be able to reach out and touch him with almost no effort, his relaxed, upturned face, the way that he had approached her without her needing to go and look for him or to call for him.
"Hello, my Lord," she greeted, voice hushed and tone bright with her smile. He tipped his chin up a millimeter, the only indication that he had heard her. "I'm so lucky to find you out here like this." She teased him, pretending that she hadn't run full-tilt all the way here and that he definitely hadn't seen her do exactly that. She watched the way the corner of his mouth twitched like he couldn't stop himself before it evened out again.
The two stood together, both of them pretending to look elsewhere even as they focused every ounce of their attention on the other. Rin, for her part, felt she was doing a very good job pretending to be completely enraptured in the horizon and ignoring the way that her skin tingled even from being next to him. She could've choked on all of the things she wanted to say to him but she didn't want to ruin the mood. Even if the silence was almost unbearable.
"Your wounds…" he finally said, voice smooth as syrup and just as sweet to her ears. The words, however, left her frowning. Wounds…? She looked up at him, face screwed up in confusion, and met his eyes as they slanted down towards hers. When he glanced down at her hands and the fading scabs there she hummed in understanding.
"I wouldn't call them wounds," she laughed, lifting her hands up and balling them into fists before opening them up again, holding them over for him to see. He turned to look at them more fully, and she looked with him, trying to see them through his eyes. The healing scabs from a week ago, the callouses from long years and rough treatment, not exactly the hands of a princess. Yet, he must've seen something he liked because he nodded and then looked back up towards the sky. She curled her hands up and pulled them to her chest, grinning at him. "Shall I recover, my Lord?"
"You will survive," he answered, a rare moment of his incredibly dry humor that had her giggling. She dropped her hands down, lacing them together behind her back as she looked down at the ground.
"All thanks to you," she told him pointedly, remembering the way he had, once again, saved her. He said nothing and she looked up at him. "There really is no way I can ever repay you, is there?" Rin spoke softly, half to herself and half to him. His eyes flicked over to her and he studied her in such a way that she blushed and waved her hand. "Sorry." He looked like he was about to say something, and she couldn't stop herself from perking up in anticipation, when a shrieking laugh followed by voices had the two of them looking away.
At the bottom of the hill, Yuto and Kimura were walking together, the two of them clearly having a great time as they made their way out of the village. Rin cocked an eyebrow and smiled as she watched them, feeling a small boost of pride at her impeccable match-making abilities. Yuto, with a big grin on his face, was obviously teasing the young woman who was blushing and laughing, unable to take her eyes off of him. For a moment, Rin tried to imagine herself in her shoes; laughing, blushing, flirting, no hesitation, not second guessing herself.
She glanced over at Sesshomaru, trying to imagine him with her, and saw him scowling at the two with a degree of venom she hadn't seen in a while. It honestly surprised her so much that she looked back down towards the couple to see if Yuto had seen them and was making a rude gesture or something, but no the two were still obliviously in their own small world. Then, why is he…?
"They seem like they're having fun," Rin joked in an attempt to redirect him back to the conversation with a smile and a laugh. He thinned his lips and tilted his head back, still obviously ticked off as he watched them leave. "They're not coming up here, don't worry! And they'll definitely be out for a while." She assured him, assuming he wasn't a fan of their loud banter. He let out a low hm, and said nothing else, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. After a moment, he opened his eyes and looked back down at her, a small crease between his delicate brows as he looked down at her. Rin gulped, this now familiar sensation of falling once again coming over her under his scrutiny.
"Rin…" His voice was low, his eyes warm, and she jumped in shock when she saw his hand come up and gently move a wind-blown strand of her hair back out of her face. He set it down politely, and slowly pulled his hand back even as she silently wished he would just leave it there forever. Sesshomaru looked down at her and she wondered if he was going to say what was on his mind, but he didn't. Instead, his hand settled back down at his side and he looked away from her with a sigh. He was pulling away from her, he was going to leave it at that and leave her once again puzzling over what could have happened. Oh, no you don't.
"Yes, my Lord?" She prompted and, with every scrap of bravery she possessed, she reached out to gently—carefully—hook her pointer finger around his. His head turned slowly towards her. So slowly that she could've sworn that his neck creaked, and he stared down at her so hard that she couldn't stop the blush that started at her toes and ended at the roots of her hair. To her ever-living shock, not only did he not shake her off, but he lifted their hands up between them and looked down at where their fingers were hooked together. His long, pale finger with it's deadly claw, the tougher skin of her finger that looked almost tiny in comparison to his.
The differences were stark, a little jarring, and yet, Rin thought as she stared at their hands and she felt his finger tighten against hers, they looked good together. Quite good, actually. Cheeks still warm, Rin chanced a glance up at him, feeling practically giddy. He was, similarly, looking down at their hands, his head was cocked to the side ever-so-slightly, his eyes half-closed as he twisted their hands around a bit to maneuver her a bit closer to him. Stepping closer, she did so and swallowed hard. He lifted their hands higher, and for a wild moment she was convinced he was going to kiss her hand, but he just looked past their hands and down at her tomato-red face. Her heart pounded in her head and she wondered if he was leaning closer or if she was just focusing on him so hard that her mind was playing tricks on her. This, she thought to herself over the pounding of her blood in her ears, this is not the behavior of someone who doesn't care. Right…?
"You owe me nothing," he murmured to her and she was so busy staring at his lips that she almost didn't realize he had spoken, much less what he was saying. In a very attractive move, she blinked up at him with wide, owlish eyes as if he had just started speaking in a foreign language. What? She shook her head a little to clear it and she saw his very small smile as he lowered their hands. "I am not a debtor putting weight on your life."
Her mouth opened in an Oh of understanding as she realized he was talking about her off-handed comment from earlier. She laughed nervously and nodded, licking her suddenly dry lips as she brushed a shaky hand over her eyes. "Of course, my Lord." She smiled and nodded at him, very painfully aware that he hadn't let go of her finger. "I just worry about inconveniencing you, is all. Like Master Jaken says, you are very busy and I—"
"Nevermind what Jaken says," he interrupted, voice going back to it's usual tone and volume, that familiar commanding baritone. He slipped his hand away from hers and turned to look back towards the forest with a low sigh. "The priestess is looking for you." He told her, and Rin looked back towards the village. She saw the familiar white-red silhouette of her housemate talking to a couple. Rin couldn't deny that she wished she could stay out here forever, feeling very much that there was so much more that he could say, so much more that she could tell him.
"Will you come back soon?" She asked, the wistfulness in her voice painfully obvious but she was too desperate to see him again to care. He looked back towards her and he inclined his head once eliciting a wide grin from her. "Okay, uh, see you when I see you." Rin waved shyly and then turned to walk home, head buzzing blissfully, knowing that she was going to replay this moment in her mind over and over again as she laid in bed tonight.
She hoped he would come back within the week. She wished she would see him tomorrow. She knew in her heart that he stayed nearby all night.
Half-way through! Hopefully you've enjoyed it so far!