"Your heart is a planet. I can see that you are from the sky."
— Jenny Slate, Little Weirds
The concept of knowing what one wants is so complicated, yet so easy. Or, at least, Rin thought it was. It was simultaneously incredibly frustrating and also a bit of a relief when her brain gave a knee-jerk reaction to something and then it was up to her to decide how she wanted to proceed with it. When she was hungry, her brain would tell her that she was hungry and it would also supply helpful ideas for what types of food maybe would be best. When she was tired, her brain would tell her it was time to sleep and then maybe also point out a cozy little spot in the sun that would be comfortable to stretch out in.
Where it became frustrating was when those pesky, horrible societal rules got in the way.
What was she supposed to do when she looked over at her soon-to-be husband and her brain told her that she wanted to feel him, to run her hands down his arm, to hold his hand, to plant kisses all over his proud face, but she couldn't because they weren't alone and it wasn't proper? It was so, so, so, so, so, so, so very difficult to be caught in the middle of drooling over him and need to brush it off like it was nothing. More than once, she had needed to excuse herself from the same vicinity as him, just to go hide and release a whispered scream of frustration and remind herself why she shouldn't just leap his bones.
Honestly, it was a miracle that she hadn't snapped. Rin would chalk it up to her saintly levels of patience and years of pretending she wasn't madly in love with him as her reason for being so strong in the face of unrestrained beauty.
This was different, though. It was different because now she knew he felt the same way. She knew what his mouth felt like on hers, the way his hand felt applying pressure against her spine to pull her closer to him, the tingly way she would feel as his lips pressed to hers. She knew that soon they would be bound and that the only thing stopping them was just those horrid, awful, rules of propriety. However, Rin was nothing if not clever.
The tipping point, so to speak, had happened on one cool, spring day when she had been walking back towards the village with her laundry propped on her hip. She was exhausted from doing chores all day and all she wanted was to get home and sit down. Kagome and Sango were walking alongside her, while Sango's daughters ran and played around them. Rin was laughing and chiming in with the conversation as she could but mostly her thoughts were far away.
As they walked the path, entering the village proper, Rin glanced up towards the ledge that overlooked them all a short distance away. Her heart gave an excited thump at the white figure standing there, far enough away that she couldn't make out any details of his face, but she would still know him anywhere. Seeing him woke her up faster than if she had fallen through ice and she perked up and waved at him. He didn't wave back, but he never did, and she realized that she didn't see Jaken standing next to him.
She lowered her hand with a curious tilt of her head, turning back to look forward with a small hm. She wasn't sure why that struck her as so odd, because Lord Sesshomaru went off on his own all the time and he was quite good at being alone, but mostly the only times that Master Jaken was told to stay behind was for much more serious matters. Visiting her did not count as a serious matter, and besides, she really liked getting to see her old babysitter. I wonder if something happened… she thought to herself, turning towards her friends to at least pretend that she was still involved in the conversation.
Rin gave a little jump when she noticed that the two older women were looking at her curiously. Blushing, Rin looked back and forth between them, trying to figure out if they were peering at her like that because she had missed something or if they were about to start interrogating her about the daiyoukai currently looming over the town.
"Hey, Rin," Kagome began slowly, thoughtfully, and Rin knew that it was about to be the second option. With a very distinct feeling of being caught red-handed, though she wasn't sure why because they were engaged for goodness sake and she could look all she wanted, Rin smiled nervously. "Why does Sesshomaru never come into the village?"
"Uh," Rin hesitated, thrown for a loop by this question. She had been bracing herself for a conversation on romance, which Rin would then need to sheepishly confess that there had been very little of, and then she would have segued over into tips from these married women on how to initiate romantic moments but this… "He just doesn't want to, I guess." She wasn't sure what to tell them, because there really wasn't much to tell. She felt almost disappointed that they hadn't asked the question she had been anticipating.
Though, she honestly would probably be too embarrassed to actually talk about it if it had come to that. Kaede had gone over the basics with her, leaving poor Rin both so embarrassed that she was worried she would pass out from all the blood in her head, and fascinated beyond belief with the information presented to her. However, that's all it had been; the rudimentary basics. No feeling behind it, just facts.
Rin readjusted the laundry she carried, glancing again over at the ledge. She didn't feel very rudimentary when she thought about him, or when he blessed her with the rare kiss and she felt so dizzy and warm that she felt like she had been sitting in a sauna for hours. It honestly made her a little nervous, the way she would feel. She wanted so badly to ask him about it, but she was afraid that it would backfire and she would seem…
Improper.
Rin tossed a look over her shoulder, back towards where he still stood, and wondered why she thought that. Casting her thoughts back, she couldn't think of a single time that he had policed the way she spoke or behaved, especially when she was alone with him. Jaken would scold her if he saw fit, but it had never been from her Lord's fair mouth. So why was she so worried?
Watching him stand upon the hill overlooking a human village that he probably would never have approached if it wasn't for her, she started to think. Rin turned to face forward again, looking blankly towards the ever-closer village as her mind whirred and formed a plan, heart already racing at what she was hoping to get away with.
Sango yelled at her kids, pulling Rin from her reverie with a jump, as she watched Sango rush forward to her twins, who were very obviously trying to eat something they had found in the ditch. Kagome and Rin followed, both watching the proceedings with varying levels of attention, as the two were left alone.
"Hey, Kagome…" Rin began, her tone mirroring the priestess's earlier one. Kagome made a noise to let her know that she was listening as she squinted forward to make sure Sango was doing okay. Rin swallowed hard, almost chickening out, before she urged herself on and said; "Would you… that is, could I ask you some questions?"
Whether it was the quiet, shy tone that she was using, or Kagome's truly uncanny ability to locate potential romance from ten miles away, suddenly Rin was on the receiving end of a very intense brown-eyed stare. "About what?" Kagome asked, copying her low volume but her tone almost too blasé. With one last quick glance over her shoulder, Rin leaned in, barely speaking above a whisper.
"I-I was wondering…"
Hours later, after the sun had set and everyone had retired to their respective homes for the night, Rin snuck into the forest.
The moon, almost full except for a small sliver along its side, cast enough light for her to see where she was going, shining down through the gaps in the branches like stepping stones. She walked quickly and carefully, stepping over roots and fallen branches with the expertise that only someone who had spent the majority of her life dodging dangers in the dark could. However, though her heart was racing like she was being chased, this time she wasn't in any danger. She was on a mission. She had a goal.
She broke through the majority of the trees, a clearing appearing before her. She stepped in further, looking around for any signs that it was already occupied. It was about the size of a small hut, just perfect for the meeting she had planned. Rin noticed small mushrooms sprouting sporadically around the area, on the trunks of trees, at their bases, and their white hats caught what little bit of moonlight shown in and became almost like small candles. It was perfect, it was idyllic, it had great potential to be very romantic.
Clearing her throat, not really for any reason other than just to fill the silence, Rin walked the rest of the way in. She looked around nervously, feeling unbearably sweaty even in the cool air, and tried to decide if sitting or standing would be best. She walked into the middle of the clearing, standing with her hands at her sides before realizing that wasn't particularly flattering, and tried to change up her pose. Arms crossed and then uncrossed. Perhaps hands on hips? No, no good, hands back at her sides. Rin swallowed and cocked her hip, putting all her weight on one foot, again crossing her arms and placing a hand up against her face. She wished she could see herself, feeling distinctly like she looked ridiculous but not being able to precisely pinpoint why.
Dropping her hands back down at her sides with a frustrated grumble, she walked over towards an exposed tree root, lowering herself down on it. She turned one way, then the other, crossing her ankles and trying to figure out where to put her hands. What was the most demure hand position? How in the world did one look effortlessly beautiful? She tried a few more poses, each one leaving her feeling more and more ridiculous and disheartened.
"Oh, what am I doing?" She mumbled to herself, leaning forward on her elbows and putting her face in her clammy hands. What a world was it that she was sitting alone in a forest after dark, posing around awkwardly in hopes that she would look more appealing to the man who already agreed to marry her. Not only to marry her, but to push aside any possible other, honestly much more glamorous, matches. Her mind paraded a whole line-up of beautiful, ethereal high-ranking, fancy demonesses in beautiful flowing kimonos. She peeked through her fingers at her dirty feet and the beginnings of fraying on the hem of her more practical kimono.
She sat there for a moment, looking at her toes and laying her chest against her thighs. Sucking in a deep breath, she gently shuffled her feet back and forth until the damp duff hid them. I should just go back home, she finally decided, sighing and sitting up, leaving her hands to rest limply in her lap. Just as she resolved herself to trudge back to her bed, a boot appeared in her line of sight. Rin froze and followed the familiar boot up to a familiar leg.
"Hello, My Lord," she whispered, lifting her head the rest of the way up to look at him. He stood in front of her, close enough that she could see the way his eyes glowed in the dim light, that she could smell that very signature scent that belonged to him. She swallowed hard, already feeling both weak in body and resolve. He has that effect on me, apparently, Rin thought wryly, clearing her throat and wiping her hands along the thighs of her kimono. He looked her over for a moment, almost as if he was looking for clues that would indicate what she was doing in the forest in the middle of the night.
"Are you well?" He asked when his search yielded nothing, tone carrying an undercurrent of curiosity. Which, honestly for him, was almost the equivalent of rushing into the clearing and frantically asking her why she was out here by herself. In these words, she found her peace. She was not a glamorous demoness, but he obviously didn't care much that she wasn't. Unable to stop herself, a smile spread across her face and she wiggled her toes around in the dirt.
"I am now," she answered softly, blushing and looking up at him. He didn't move but his eyes met hers. He held her gaze and she almost looked away out of habit but she forced herself to raise her chin. A shimmer of something seemed to flicker through him as she did, and she could have sworn that she saw a twitch of a smile. There was a very particular feeling in the air all of a sudden, that she recognized now, and Rin bit her lips, realizing that this was the perfect chance to make her move as Kagome had called it.
"You will need to be brave, Rin," Kagome had told her, raising her bicep for a helpful visual which obviously had worked because she was as clear as ever in Rin's mind. "Push through the nerves! If these two are anything alike, he will need you to be the brave one!"
She had set the stage, he had taken the bait, the mood was right, and now she just needed to fulfill this last, final requirement of being brave. Let it be known that Rin was many things, but she was not a coward. She took a deep breath and stood up slowly, lowering her gaze as she approached him, heart hammering. Her head swam with doubts, almost drowning out her resolve until she was standing directly in front of him, barely an inch of space between her chest and his, and then everything became strangely silent. All she could hear was her heartbeat and her breathing, and she closed her eyes for a moment.
"Lord Sesshomaru," she whispered, gripping her hands into the skirt of her kimono and opening her eyes. She looked up at him, almost taking a step back in surprise when she truly realized how close she was. She could see all of the details of his fine skin, she could count every lowered eyelash as he watched her, the way his eyes glimmered in the low light of the moon. Brave, she reminded herself as she opened her mouth and asked; "Would it be alright if I… That is—may I touch you?"
And just like that, she had his full undivided attention. His head rotated down so that he was looking down at her, once again pinning her in place with his stare. She was so close to him that she heard the way he stopped breathing for the barest of seconds, and she watched the way his jaw grew lax.
She knew, without a doubt, that he was thinking through the implications of her question. She knew he was thinking about how she had never had a problem with casual, quick touches, especially if they were alone, so the fact that she was asking permission meant that this was not going to be quick or casual.
Almost as if he could read her mind, she saw his eye quickly dart down towards her lips and then back up again, so fast that if she hadn't been this close to him she would never have even noticed. The wait was unbearable and the tension she had created with her simple question was so thick that she wondered if that was the reason she felt like she couldn't catch her breath. Like she was dreaming, she watched his lips part ever so slightly and heard him speak, as fuzzy as if she was underwater;
"Do as you wish."
Honestly, his answer surprised her so much that she gasped with excitement and then, blushing bright red, slapped her hands over her mouth. It slipped out by accident, mostly because she was so, so ready for him to tell her she was being silly and send her back to the village. All things considered, things were off to a fantastic start. Smiling wide, unable to stop herself, she lowered her hands from her mouth to hold her warm cheeks as she hmm-ed, perusing him and trying to decide the safest place to start.
Oh, she wished she could put her hands all over his chest. That's where she wanted to end up the most, but it was under layers of clothing and armor. Or perhaps his face markings, and his ears! She looked up to the moon that marked his forehead, the stripes along his cheeks, the beautiful coloring on his eyes. She noticed that he was watching her and she smiled at him. She wondered if he was just as nervous as she was, and that revelation made her decide to practice restraint. Start with what's familiar for you both, maybe?
Rin reached out to him, slipping both of her hands into his. He twitched at the contact, and Rin realized that her fingers felt like ice, so hung up in her thoughts that she had forgotten how cold it was outside. She shivered, pulling his hands up towards her and looking down at them. "Sorry that I'm so cold," she murmured absently, turning his hands so that his palms were facing up. He didn't answer her, but she wouldn't have heard him anyway.
Her hands looked so small holding his, his fingers relaxed and long claws harmless as they were now. His sleeves had slid down his arms a way when she had lifted him and the markings on his wrists were visible, a warning to anyone foolish enough to challenge him and something Rin found absolutely fascinating. She nibbled on her lip and glanced up at him one last time for any last minute changes, and when she saw none, she bent down and gently, gently, gently brushed her lips along his palm.
She moved slowly, savoring the touch, and waiting for him to react hoping that he wouldn't snatch his hand out of her grasp and fly off. When nothing happened, except for a twitch of his fingers, she smiled and turned to his other hand, giving it a similar treatment. Her hair slid down to frame her face, long glossy strands of it coming around and getting in her way. She tsked and released one of his hands to push it back, but he was faster than she was. His fingers brushed along her face as he tucked her hair behind her ear, hand lingering as she looked up at him.
Emboldened by how far she had made it, and by his reaction that seemed to be positive, she continued her merry way, maneuvering him around so that the next victim was his wrist. Going directly for the very markings that fascinated her so, she rested her lips against them, threading her fingers with the hand she still held hostage, while her other hand absentmindedly brushed her thumb along the inside of his elbow. Looking up at his impassive face through her lashes, she carefully and shyly let her tongue flick out against the stripes. Continuing around, she gently twisted his hand so that she could kiss his pulse and felt, with no small measure of shock, how it hammered against her lips.
Their eyes met, the two of them both acutely aware how his heart had betrayed him when his face was so carefully blank, and Rin smiled at him, beyond relieved to know that she wasn't the only one barely keeping it together. How delicious it was to get this secret peek into his thoughts. Intoxicating, really. A girl could make terrible decisions when she had this much power…
She tugged him along, switching places with him in a slow circle almost like they were dancing. He let her do so, watching her very closely as she slid her arm from his elbow up a little further, greedy to feel more of him. "Could you," she started, startling herself with the way she sounded so much that she had to stop and clear her throat before she continued, "Would you sit please? I would like to touch more of you…"
So focused on the task at hand, she realized how suggestive that request sounded much too late. She winced and watched as Sesshomaru closed his eyes, slowly. She heard a very long breath leave him as he lowered himself down slowly onto the same root she had been resting on when he found her. He sat stiffly, hands balled up on his thighs, back straight, eyes still closed. Not that he ever slouched, but normally there was a careless air about the way he relaxed. Not here, not now.
Rin walked towards him one step at a time, sizing him up and giving him as much time as she could to let him tell her to stop, but he didn't. Her knees bumped into his and she apologized under her breath, reaching forward like she was possessed by someone else. Carefully, she placed her pointer finger against his jaw, following the curve of it to his chin and then back again. She couldn't decide if she wanted to watch her finger or watch his reaction, her eyes flicking back and forth between the two. Though, there wasn't much happening with him, he just sat in that same carefully still way with his eyes closed, breathing slowly and steadily like he was meditating.
Biting her lip, she did it again, now using her knuckles, and when she got to the tip of his chin, she continued around to the other side. Holding her breath, she touched the marks on his cheek. His skin twitched under her, but otherwise he did not move. He's so soft, she thought to herself, feeling a thousand miles above her body, and she brought up her other hand to cup his face, thumb brushing across the other markings as well. Her eyes flicked up to the moon upon his forehead. Lonely and proud, she couldn't imagine him without it.
Gently she followed the bow of it, and she wondered as she watched her finger if he would let her kiss him there. He hadn't opened his eyes this whole time, and she would have thought he was asleep sitting up if his small twitches didn't give him away. She thought it was very unfair that he could be so unbothered like this when she felt like she was in danger of floating away at any moment. Remembering how he couldn't hide what his heart revealed, she swallowed and then let her fingers drag down to his neck, feeling for his truth.
He opened his eyes, hand coming up to grab onto her wrist, but it was too late. She felt his vein, the way it pounded frantically in his neck, and she reveled in it, a small, amazed smile breaking across her face. He looked at her, and she looked down at him, not used to being the taller one even if it was only by a little, and in his eyes she saw a thousand things. There was a heat present in him she wasn't familiar with and it seared her, leaving her feeling warm from the top of her heat to her feet. He was staring at her with such an intensity that she felt as if she was being pulled towards some inescapable place. She realized, with a jolt, that she had actually been leaning in towards him and stopped herself, but not before she recognized one more thing in him.
She saw want, that burning, engulfing kind of want, and she saw it as clear as she saw stars in the sky. Rin blinked, her breath hitching in her throat, and she let out a very soft, shaky oh. She was very much in the same boat and it made her almost woozy to see that she was getting exactly what she wanted. Be brave, she urged herself and licked her lips, using her knee to gently part his and slip a little closer to him, standing between his legs, face directly over his.
"My Lord," she whispered to him, the two so close that their noses were almost touching. "May I kiss you?" She hoped that he would say yes with every fiber of her being. In her humble opinion, this was one of the nicer things she had ever asked of him. May I kiss you? was very much up there with Would you like to become fabulously wealthy? But she wasn't sure if he was ready to stop and she didn't want to press her luck and upset him. His grip tightened on her wrist.
"Yes." Was his incredibly succinct answer and with a smile Rin bent down and pressed her mouth against his, eyes fluttering closed.
I, uh, I know I said that this chapter was going to get saucy but it was literally getting to be so long that I had to split it... Next week, for sure!
Thank you for reading!