Tommy sat drooped over on his couch, his legs propped up on the coffee table in front of him, an untouched open bottle of beer next to him. He was staring blankly at the TV droning on in front of him. Some rock band was doing a concert in Madison Square Garden, but he didn't know who they were and he didn't care. He rubbed his temple and gave a long sigh. Boris who was curled up on the floor, sensing his mood, jumped up on the couch and settled in next to him, licking his hand. Tommy smiled softly. "Thanks boy," he said, scratching his dog behind the ears.
He knew it was better this way, to have her be angry at him, to keep her well at arms distance away. He knew he had been getting too close to her. Too close for his own good. He scrubbed his face in frustration. How was it that Lindy had managed to take over every single one of his thoughts without trying? He had been too close to telling her earlier why exactly he couldn't just let her go and follow up on a lead by herself.
Sara had left because of some unknown danger. What if Lindy was walking right into it? He couldn't let that happen, and if that made her angry at him then so be it. He knew he was being selfish, doing this not just for her benefit but for his as well. Could Yeager be right? Would Ben see it as a relief if he were with Lindy? He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. She had enough of her own problems. She didn't need his feelings for her distracting her. Burdening her. Whoever said love was easy was a freaking moron who had no idea what they were talking about.
Tommy glanced at his dog. "We don't need girls do we, boy?" Boris cocked his head and wagged his tail. Tommy chuckled. "I'll take that as a yes."
Just then Boris' ears perked up and he wagged his tail. A sure sign that someone was coming. Tommy glanced at his watch. It was just after ten. Not really a time people came around to visit. He tensed. No, whoever was coming meant business. He looked at his dog. He didn't bristle, which meant that whoever was coming Boris knew and liked. That's how Tommy used to know that Ben was coming over.
A knock sounded at the door. The fact that Boris wasn't growling at the person on the other side of the door was a good sign too. Nevertheless, he was cautious. His gun was inside his jacket which was hanging on a hook by the door within easy reach as he stood in front of his door. He was about to ask who it was, when the person knocked louder, followed by their voice.
"Tommy! Open up! I know you're in there." He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to calm himself. He'd know that voice anywhere. The fact that it was on the other side of his door didn't make it any better. "Tommy!" The pounding on his door grew louder. Great, she was still definitely angry at him.
Taking a deep breath, he swung the door open to reveal her hand still in a fist in mid-air about to knock again. Lindy lowered it, slowly, her angry gaze locking on him. He felt his heart flutter in his chest. She was here outside his apartment and she was pissed. He swallowed, feeling apprehensive.
"We have to talk," she said, brushing past him into the apartment and walking into the middle of his living room. Boris jumped off the couch and licked her hand, and for a moment her angry face softened slightly as she scratched Boris behind the ears. Boris nudged her leg and whined as if saying he had missed her. Traitor.
There were a million questions running through his mind but the one he ended up blurting out was: "How did you know where I live?"
Her face turned hard again. She waved her hand dismissively. "I'm a hacker, Tommy. Figuring out your address was like taking candy from a baby. Besides, you pretty much know everything about me. I figured I should at least know where you live."
Tommy nodded because he wasn't sure what to say to that. She crossed her arms and took a step closer to him, her eyes glittering dangerously. He may not scare easily, but damn she was making him nervous. Boris sensing the tension between the two trotted off further into the apartment, leaving them alone.
"What did you want to talk about?" he asked finally, raking a hand through his hair. He knew full well why she was here.
She wasted no time. "Is there something you know about, Sara? Something you're not telling me? Is there a specific reason why you don't want me to go searching for my little sister who I haven't seen in almost four years?" Tommy flinched at her words. She knew exactly how to make him feel bad.
Lindy really didn't want a repeat of Operation Magnifly where he had withheld information about Sara from her, but she couldn't think of any another reason as to why Tommy was being so adamant about her not going if it wasn't because of something he was keeping from her. There had to be something he wasn't telling her.
"No, Lindy," he said shaking his head. "I don't know anything else about Sara. Only what you've found out."
"Then why?" she asked, feeling increasingly frustrated.
He sighed. "I can't just let you go into this blind, having no idea what you're getting yourself into. You don't know the extent of the situation. It could be dangerous."
"That's a risk I'm willing to take, Tommy."
"You can't just jump headfirst into something without knowing the risks, Lindy," he almost screamed in frustration. "Especially something as big as this!" He wanted to shake her. He had to make her see why he couldn't just let her go if there was a risk that something could happen to her. How he wouldn't be able to live with himself if something did happen. He had to make her see without telling her the real reason.
She couldn't understand why Tommy was getting angry. She was trying to understand what he was telling her, but she felt like she needed to read between the lines to get it. "What aren't you telling me, Tommy?" she asked, trying hard to control her anger. She took a step closer to him while he took a step back. He was starting to feel like a caged animal. "Tommy?" her voice softened, taking on a note of concern. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"
No, he couldn't tell her. Not about this. This was the one thing he couldn't. A tight feeling was welling up in his chest and he knew he had to get her out of here before he said something he couldn't take back. "There are just some things that I can't tell you, Lindy," he said a little dejectedly. "Some things just aren't meant to be said."
Lindy looked at him hard. She wanted so badly to understand him. What wasn't he telling her? She felt like it was obvious. Like it was right in front of her. That she could just reach out and touch it, if only she knew what it was.
"Why, Tommy? I thought we'd promised we wouldn't keep things from each other?" Her statement came out as a question although she hadn't meant to make it sound like one. Something she thought was a fact before was now a doubt.
As they were arguing, they had made their way over to Tommy's kitchen. With him on one side of the kitchen island and her on the other as if they were opponents facing off, but no one was going to win.
"You promised me we were going to find her and now that we almost have you're taking it back, why?" She sounded hurt and it killed Tommy because he knew he was the one hurting her.
"I meant every word I said, Lindy," he said quietly, looking deep into her eyes, willing her to believe him because he had meant every word. "I want you to understand that I would help you in anything you decide to do. That I will help you. But I can't just let you go into this situation with your eyes closed like this."
She stepped back, angry, knowing there was something bigger going on. "What I don't understand is why you're keeping something from me. I thought we were supposed to have each other's backs. Not have a knife up against them," she hissed.
"I do have your back, Lindy," he said desperately, "I can't believe you'd think I'd betray you. I thought you knew me better than that." His words were laced with hurt and Lindy felt every single one cut into her, but she was angry. She felt like he was betraying her.
"What I don't know is why you're doing this to me."
"Because Ben would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you!" he exclaimed. Lindy went still. The very air around them felt like glass. That if any one of them moved or said another word it would shatter.
This was Tommy's last defense. He felt like a complete ass for using it and although what he said was true, that wasn't the entire reason he couldn't let her go.
Lindy processed this slowly. Something was wrong here. He wasn't looking her in the eye. "No," she said slowly and Tommy felt his heart drop. "This is bigger than Ben or even Sara for that matter. There's something more, isn't there?" Tommy wouldn't meet her eye and she knew she was right. "Please just tell me," she pleaded.
"I can't. I'm sorry." He stared down at the floor as if the tiles were the most fascinating thing in the world.
Lindy stood still, her hands clenched into fists. "Fine."
That one word sounded so final and she sounded so defeated that Tommy looked up at the sound of the raw hurt in her voice despite his determination not to so that she would just leave. He was caught by surprise when he saw her eyes glittering with unshed tears. The sight felt like someone had cleaved his heart.
Tommy knew she was proud and that there was no way in hell she was going to let him see her cry again. She would rather leave before that happened again. He was right. She turned abruptly and headed for the door, walking stiffly, but her back ramrod straight.
He knew that if he let her go now she was never going to come back. He wanted to call out to her so badly that it physically hurt him, but the words were stuck in his throat. The fear of what she could say and what Ben could possibly be thinking about him, freezing his veins.
Lindy's hand had just touched the doorknob, fully intending to leave and never come back, when it hit her.
Her mind whirled.
The way Tommy had sounded breathless and had looked disoriented after their kiss in the apartment- something she hadn't really registered until now. She had been too busy dealing with her own scrambled feelings afterward- The way Tommy had gone after her and held her in the rain. The way Tommy was almost fiercely protective of her, never wanting her to get involved in what could possibly be a dangerous situation. The way she sometimes caught him looking at her… like there was something there. How had she not seen it before? Had it always been right in front of her? She had never fully considered why she had lied and told Tommy that she loved Jake so that he would leave Hart Island without her. She knew now that it was because she had known it would get to him and it had. He had looked like she had punched him in the gut. Somehow she had suppressed it all, believing it was all just in her imagination, but she had subconsciously felt it.
Tommy was in love with her.
And what's more, she realized with rising clarity. She was falling in love with him.
The way the kiss at the apartment had left her confused and wanting more and she had cut it off for that reason. The way she herself had felt hurt when she had seen the devastated look on his face when she had told him she loved Jake. The way she felt safe whenever she was with him. How when he was hurt it felt like she was hurt too. How she felt awkward whenever they had to be an undercover couple because she realized, it felt too real. Even the way he got under her skin like no one else. Yes, she was falling for him.
"Lindy."
She whirled around with a gasp. Not because Tommy had called her back but because of the realizations crashing around inside her. And Tommy knew right then as her gaze met his that she had figured it out.
She was at a loss. "Tommy, do you-? Are you-?"
"Yes," he said cutting her off, wanting to say it himself before she could say it out loud. "Yes, Lindy. I'm in love with you."
And she could finally see it, what she had been missing from his expression for so long. It was in his eyes, the love. For her. But she could also see fear and guilt mixed in. Love shouldn't make him feel like that.
She now understood why he never wanted her to throw herself into any situation. Why he didn't want her to go off to California, in what he considered to be a dangerous risk. Why he didn't want her involved in anything that had to do with Bubonic. Why he'd risked everything to find her when Jake had taken her.
"Oh, Tommy," she said softly, slowly walking back to him.
"I know." He chuckled mirthlessly, not looking at her. "I'm in love with my dead best friend's girlfriend."
"Don't," she said sharply, feeling a wave of anger hit her. He looked at her in surprise but the iron lock on his body didn't loosen. His back was rigid, his jaw clenched, and the hand he had on top of the counter was gripped tightly in a fist. "Don't call me that. I'm more than just Ben's ex. I'm me."
"You think I don't know that? That I do think of you as more than that, but to do so it feels like I'm betraying my best friend?"
"Tommy," she said her throat tight. "We both loved Ben. He meant the world to both of us." She inched her way slowly around the counter as she spoke. "But he wouldn't want to see you like this. The way you are right now, so unhappy, so guilt ridden. He wouldn't want his being gone to affect us that way. He would want us to live, to move on with our lives. To be happy." She was standing right in front of him now. "Tommy," she said softly. "Look at me." He lifted his gaze slowly, his expression conflicted. How long had he been struggling with this? "Tommy, you're doing nothing wrong."
"Do you think I want to feel this way, Lindy? Like I'm committing some kind of crime? Like I'm betraying Ben? I'd turn off these feeling if I could, but I can't, Lindy. They're real." He said the last part so softly that Lindy wouldn't have been able to hear him if she wasn't so close.
"It's not wrong to feel this way, Tommy. You aren't committing some crime. You're being a human, and part of being one is to love." He sucked in his breath sharply and Lindy got the sense that Tommy had thought she would be angry or disgusted if he ever confessed his feelings to her. She felt her heart crack. She reached for his hand, slowly, and saw the tension ebb out slightly when she touched it.
"Ben wouldn't want us to be so unhappy, especially because of him. He's gone, Tommy. And even if it still hurts to think about him we have to move on. If we waited until the day when the pain of remembering him goes away we could be waiting a really long time. He would want you living your life." He was staring at the floor again. "When was the last time you truly let yourself feel, Tommy?" He said nothing, he was completely still, barely breathing. "You have to let go. Stop holding yourself back because of fear or guilt. Ben wouldn't want that and it's unfair to you. Just… be happy."
Tommy looked at her then. "Are you asking me to let go, Lindy?" his voice was low, and those hazel eyes she had grown to love were burning into hers.
She squeezed his hand almost imperceptibly, her gaze never wavering from his. "Yes."
Before she could think, before she could even blink, Tommy had bent down and was kissing her, almost crushing his lips to hers. Lindy cried out, but he soothed the sting with his tongue, kissing her softly. He wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her flush against him. Heat coursed through her as Tommy's kisses woke a hunger in her she hadn't known she was capable of. She slid her arms around his neck, tugging him closer, her body melting into his. Tommy gasped and Lindy realized that he had expected her to pull away from him, but that was the last thing she wanted to do. She wanted this. She hadn't realized how long she had been waiting for this moment until now that it was actually happening. She stood on her tip toes, deepening the kiss, pulling him closer, eliminating any sliver of space left between them.
Tommy's neck was bent to kiss her. He was too tall and she was too short, but he didn't give a damn. It was perfect. They were perfect. Lindy's hands were tangled in his hair and he was holding her like he would never let go as he pressed her back against the counter. She slid her hands under his shirt, feeling the taut muscle underneath, the feel of her warm hands on him making him shiver. He hoisted her up onto the counter and just as he was leaning in to kiss her again she put a hand up to his chest, stopping him.
"I just have one concern," she said deadpan, breathing hard. He drew away from her, breathing just as hard, a million thoughts running through his mind. Had he misinterpreted what she'd said? Had he gone too far? He started to apologize, running his slightly shaking hands through his hair, trying to calm his pounding heart. She was like a drug and he needed her. "You don't care that I'm not a blonde?"
Tommy lowered his hands, slowly, looking at her utterly confused. "What?"
"You know, since you're only into blondes?" Tommy would have taken her seriously if he hadn't seen the twinkle in her eye.
Tommy laughed softly, feeling relieved and absolutely giddy. He leaned in, his lips softly tracing a line just below her ear, along her jaw, down to the hollow at her throat. "I think I can make an exception," he murmured against her skin. Unable to contain herself, she grabbed a fistful of his shirt and brought her lips down on his. She tugged him closer, making him lean into her, his hands on either side of her on the counter, boxing her in. Tommy smiled against her lips.
"Lindy," he breathed. He said her name like he had been searching his whole life for something and he had finally found it. Like it was the only thing that mattered. He deepened the kiss, letting himself get lost in the feel and taste of Lindy. He could feel her silky hair between his fingers and the way her body seemed to mold into his perfectly. Her hands trailed down the buttons of his dark blue button down, then slowly, very deliberately, she undid one button. Then another. And another.
He wanted this. God, he wanted her, but he wasn't going to let himself get carried away unless she told him that she wanted this- that she wanted him too. He drew back from her, cold air replacing Lindy's heat. He swallowed hard, trying to sort through his muddled thoughts. All of them dominated by the ghost of Lindy's lips on his and the press of her body against his. "Are you sure about this?" he managed to ask.
Tommy's face was stripped of the hard front he usually wore. All she could see was the vulnerability he was always trying hard to conceal underneath. Her heart swelled. She placed a hand on either side of his face and leaned her forehead against his, holding his gaze, willing him to see that she meant every word.
"I trust you," she said softly.
Tommy felt the last piece of wall over his heart crack and crumble. Whatever happened, his heart was completely hers now. He picked her up, her legs wrapping around his waist and her hands sliding around his neck as he carried her to his room.
He set her down gently on the mattress. Lindy had managed to unbutton the front of his shirt so that it was hanging open, revealing his smooth chest, but the shirt was still buttoned up at the cuffs. She watched him, smiling coyly, as he undid them quickly, his gaze never leaving hers. Before he could fully remove it, Lindy reached out and slowly slid it off the rest of the way. His eyes fluttered shut as her fingers skimmed over his shoulders, his arms, and down his chest.
The leather jackets and button downs he wore did him no justice. She'd been able to see the swell of his muscles through the shirts he wore, but apparently he had been hiding his abs. Tommy caught her lips in his own, kissing her slowly, leaning into her. He broke away and tugged her shirt up over her head, dropping it on the floor beside his bed. He smiled gently as he slid the black strap of her bra down, slowly, before dropping a kiss onto her bare shoulder. He felt her shudder with pleasure. She captured his lips in hers, tugging gently on his lower lip. Tommy groaned wrapping an arm around her, pulling her closer. Lindy straddled him then, cradling Tommy's face in her hands, hips rocking against his, kissing him languidly.
She leaned in to him, pressing him back against the covers so that her hair made a curtain around them. All he could see were her dark eyes and red lips. She brushed her lips over his and drew back so that their lips were mere inches apart, teasing him. Tommy pressed his hand against her cheek, his thumb brushing over her cheekbone like he had wanted to do before. Lindy leaned into his touch and Tommy felt a surge of joy go through him. She bent over him then and parted his lips under hers, kissing him long and hard.
Tommy moaned her name, pulling her closer. She tugged on his leather belt trying to undo it with one hand while splaying her hand over his chest with the other. He flipped them over, kissing her in a line down her neck, mouthing her collarbone, his fingers trailing lightly down her sides just barely touching her, raising goosebumps. Their kisses grew more heated, their bodies moving against each other's until there was nothing between them but skin and heat. He kissed her with all the pent up feelings he had kept buried deep down for so long. He kissed her down her body, his tongue doing things that left her breathless, aching for more. She arched up into him as he gathered her against him.
Her hands were all over him, winding in his hair, on his back, down his chest, tracing him, memorizing him, exploring him. She lost herself in him. "Tommy," she said breathlessly. If his heart had been hammering before, the way she said his name and looked at him had it galloping.
He had never thought he'd be able to be with her like this. He never thought he'd be able to finally let himself feel. Let himself love her freely. Kiss her until he couldn't think and the scent of her pomegranate shampoo enveloped every one of his senses. Until his every last thought was dominated by Lindy.
X
Later that night when Tommy woke to Lindy's still form breathing deeply next to him, her warmth enveloping him, it all came rushing back. The streetlights filtered in through his closed blinds, mimicking moonlight, the soft glow illuminating her. She looked lovely. A small smile making the edges of her lips curl upward. He took her hand that was resting on his pillows and kissed it, intertwining his fingers with hers. "I love you," he told her softly. "And as long as I live I'm going to keep you safe."