Chapter 22: Gone- Temporarily or Permanently?
Hilary's POV:
It was as if my heart was hammering against my chest and my soul was inflicted terribly. My legs shook as I climbed in the flight. I took my seat and locked my belt. My hands were convulsing, I was nowhere in the world. I was so much lost.
Ryan… what if he was leaving me! What if he was already gone! What if he wants to tell me something! Ryan!
I screamed horribly over and over in my mind and I was literally drenched in sweat.
I fell in a deep slumber and I didn't see anything in it. I woke up a few hours later when the flight had landed safely.
I rushed out and it took an hour to clear the passes and make my way out of the port.
I called Margot and took details of the hospital. The cab directly dropped me there and I called Margot to take care of my luggage at the reception of the hospital itself, at the ground floor. Margot didn't even say any Hi or hello, she just took my luggage, simply obeyed my little order of taking care of luggage and I ignored. I rushed on fourth floor. As the door of the elevator opened, I stumbled out and trotted in various directions asking the assistants about Ryan. I couldn't even speak properly, my speech was slurring.
There was a rumbling hard sound from outside. It was pouring outside heavily all of a sudden. The sky had darkened and was overshadowed by darkness. It was just the sunset. I didn't hear properly what she was saying and as she was repeating, I still didn't grasp. I was confused. In that moment, I was not myself. I suddenly saw Delia seated on the waiting benches. I rushed to her and shook her.
"Hilary?" her tone was extremely low, slow and sad.
"Where's Ryan?" I asked impulsively.
"Ryan is gone, Hils..." Delia smiled sadly. "He passed out this afternoon." Delia cried.
My eyes widened out of their sockets and my breath literally stuck in my throat and I was gasping for breath. My periodic audible breaths were deranged and heavy. I slumped on the floor and placed my hand on the heart.
I cried aloud. I shouted, screamed, wailed, sobbed, sobbed so bitterly and so much, so much. But Ryan wouldn't come back. I was late. I was not there with him in his last times. I rushed inside his ward. He was lying helplessly on the sleek bed, his weak body supported by so many machines, his blood samples kept aside taken from his deprived body so mercilessly. My Ryan! My Ryan!
His mouth and nose were stuffed with white cotton barely. The ECG graph showed a straight line, his lungs were oscillating slightly. My sobs returned as I saw him. I cried out loud, so loud, my ears couldn't believe it was my own voice. I hugged his dead lying body. I kissed on his forehead, begged him to wake up, to prove them that they were wrong, just wrong somewhere, prove that he is still alive, still lying, still hearing me, still there. His body was cold, limp and toughening.
I just couldn't believe he was really gone. He was always there. Even when I was alone in my sadness, all caught up in nihility, he would just come and stand by my side. He was always there, always…
I shook him vigorously. The nurses called Delia and Margot and they controlled me. I hugged Delia.
"Deles, please! Please bring back Ryan! Deles, please!"
"I wish I could, Hils," Delia cried.
I just couldn't accept the fact that my friend, my love, my everything was gone. He left me, left me forever, without seeing me before he shut down forever. I regretted; regretted so much why in the world I left for Japan. I was shaking, I was convulsing, was so faded, so much faded. I wanted to die…
I wanted to leave this bloody world as well with him. I wanted to live with Ryan forever. I remembered Tyson's words when he advised me to confess to Ryan. I pouted angrily to myself, the expiation just soaring so much. Words couldn't describe how much shattered and broken I was.
My heart was uneasily accepting that he was gone. He was gone, there was no kidding. This was happening. He was gone, he was actually and forever gone and there was no coming back.
My Ryan left me, he left me. I didn't know if there was something in his heart that he wanted me to say. Might be he wanted to tell me something, something! Anything! How could I have deprived him of this need? His last, ever last need?
I was really a bad person!
"Who was with him in his last times?" I asked them,
"I" Margot said.
"Did he say anything?" I asked curiously,
"He asked about you a few minutes back, guess, ten minutes before. I told him you're on your way. He just told me to give him a glass of water; his last words and I just nodded and smiled at him. He gave an unconscious bare smile with his eyes closed and I went out. When I came in, I didn't see the ECG graph and asked him to take the glass. He didn't say anything. I was confused after a minute when he was not responding me. It was then when I saw the ECG graph and everything ended." Margot explained.
I wished so bad if I could be there with him, with my Ryan, tell him how much I loved him, how much needed and craved he is for my life, how much I can go to the deep depths to help him, to make him revived once again, how I'm capable of fulfilling all those empty spaces in his heart that were devoid of the love he needed in his life.
All that remained now were wishes, just the deep and so needed wishes that can NEVER be fulfilled. My Ryan was gone.
The rituals broke me that day. I was so strong. I broke, I cried, I saw him lying in front of us for the last time, saw him lying so lifeless and dead. I kissed him deeply on his forehead before he was taken to the graveyard when he was still in hospital. They covered him entirely and I went out breaking near the waiting seat and crying. There was another guy in the adjacent ward who had passed out too and his parents were also in laments. The entire floor was wailing, cries so hurtful and dangerous. I didn't move from there and just sobbed. Ryan was taken half an hour later and I didn't see that happening. Delia told me later that Ryan was taken by those parents some time before along with their son. I didn't bother because he was already gone!
Ryan, I really loved you and I do, still and will always do. You will be missed in my heart for eternity, Ryan. You will be so much craved. Tears automatically flowed out of my tears and I wasn't even wailing, "You've no idea what emptiness that could never be filled you're leaving within me. I will miss you, I will miss us being together, our talks, and our moments together, and I will really never be able to forgive myself for not being able to be with you when you needed me. I'm sorry Ryan, I am really sorry." I cried, cried; my soul ruined and crippled.
He was taken away from me, far away from me. I fell down and sat staring at him taken away, more away until he was no more in sight. Thoughts of him, pictures of him came drifting in my mind. I could see him smiling, staring at me seeking some answers, assuring me I will do fine, telling me if I'm okay. I could remember everything suddenly.
Nothing was gonna change. Time was the most powerful thing in this world- I realized that day. Might be that he would have been alive if I was still there with him; perhaps could have shifted him to a better hospital, could have seen him, could have let him see me before he left me forever. Regrets could never leave me. I was breaking; I just couldn't believe I was living this day; this horrible day of my life. I found no purpose.
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"How's Hilary?" Kai asked as he sipped his coffee.
"Not fine yet," Tyson said as he was blankly staring at the table.
"It must have definitely be so hard on her," Max said sadly,
"Hilary should return Japan, she can't handle herself alone in such circumstances," Ray advised.
"Yeah, Ray's right." Kai confirmed,
"Tyson, why don't you ask her to come back?" Max asked,
"Tyson, you'd do something," Daichi asked
"I tried calling her since morning, but she just doesn't lift my call!" Tyson stood up and slammed his hands on the table in frustration, "Give her space, she's not herself, she doesn't need us, she need time! She just lost someone, someone she loved so much! Just like I've lost-"Tyson stopped and shut his lips and after a glare to all of them, he stumped away.
Tyson held his head in his hands, his mind not be able to get over Ryan's death. He found it hard to accept and felt really pity on Hilary. He just wished if he had enough money to fly to Japan. He suddenly wished if he could have cleared his papers without wasting a year, he could have undertaken the job already and would have gone, at least could have managed.
"Shit!" he sighed.
He called Hilary, she didn't pick again. He dialed to Delia.
"Delia, where's Hilary?"
"She's with me, Tyson." Delia said,
"Why the hell she's not picking my phone. I've been like ringing it since yesterday!" Tyson shouted,
Delia gave the phone to Hilary. Hilary didn't take she was blankly staring in space, her face miserable.
"She's not listening me," Delia said,
"Just stick the phone on her ear!"
Delia obeyed, "Hilary! For heaven's sake, will you please talk to me!" Tyson yelled,
Hilary's throat filled, she was about to cry, "Hilary please say something!" Tyson cried loud,
Hilary's moans intensified, "Hils, please!" Tyson implored. Hilary's closed moaned filled mouth broke, she cried out loud, "Tyysoonnnn!" she cried.
Tyson stood petrified,
"Ryan's gone! Tyson! Ryan's gone!" Hilary cried.
"Yes my Hils, I know, I know," Tyson sniffled, "Don't you worry, I'm coming to take you. You're not staying there alone,"
All he could hear was hear cries and he wished if he was right there with her to console her and embrace her in a hug.
Tyson went to the BBA quarters making an appeal to Mr. D. He was already planning that he would anyway convince him to give him the facility of flying to Japan.
I just hope Mr. D doesn't refuse me. I just pray.
"Tyson?"
"Mr. D…" Tyson's eyes went blank for few seconds… He really didn't expect this tragedy to come up nearing the end of the year… destroying all the pleasant time supposed to be...
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Year 2020:~
"Ashlene did you saw my phone?" Raul asked as he searched,
"Nope, Raul." Ashlene said dryly as she was lying reading her magazine,
"Well, can you make a call? I will probably find it." Raul rubbed his head,
"Sure." Ashlene rather gave her phone to him, "You make the call,"
Raul opened her phone and a beautiful picture of Ashlene and Ellie came on the screen. He just smiled before he dialed his number and tried calling. He still couldn't hear the ringtone. He gave up. He thought to check her contacts. Seeing that she was indeed busy reading the magazine, Raul took the opportunity.
After a little browsing, he gave her back the phone.
"Found it?"
"Nope," Raul chuckled sarcastically.
"Hey, you two- not going for walk today?" Julia asked,
"Oh, I kinda forgot," Ashlene said subconsciously as she got up and went to her room,
"Raul, there is a missed call on your phone of Ash," Julia showed him a phone,
"Hell Julia! That's my phone. I have been searching it! Who asked you to take it?"
"Excuse me, I found it lying under the table while I was correcting the books."
"Shit," he snatched the phone and wore his shoes getting ready for the walk.
Ashlene strode out wearing her dark blue tracts and white tank top. Raul suddenly stared at her, like she looked indeed astounding.
"C'mon, Raul, lets' go." She said subconsciously as she struggled slightly wearing her shoes by still standing.
Raul held her arm as she slightly tripped.
"Uh, thanks," Ashlene smiled.
Raul followed her out.
"Why didn't you switch on the lights, Raul? It's so dark!" Ashlene said as she carefully tethered down the stairs.
"Hmm, forgot."
"Ah, ouch!" Ashlene yelped as her foot slipped. Raul tried catching her but she fell.
Raul ran after her, "Ash! You okay?" he helped her get up,
"Yeah. Oh fuck. I've got a sprain in my foot!" Ashlene winced,
"Hey, don't worry. C'mon, let's try getting up," Raul encouraged.
He put his arm around Ashlene with one hand and held her hand with other and tried reaching to study room nearby. She sat on the couch, clutching tightly onto his shirt on the shoulder,
"Ouch!" Ashlene winced, "This sprain hurts! Tch,"
"It will be okay. I will call the Doctor," Raul tried smiling,
"You stay!" Ashlene yelped, "Julia will call."
"Okay!" Raul sweat-dropped nervously. A few minutes later, Julia was back with a Doctor, an ankle sprain healer.
The doctor examined her foot, "The sprain is minor, but it does need a correction. Are you ready?" Doctor asked. The other person, the sprain-healer, looked at the brunette.
"Sure," Ashlene said nervously.
"Be gentle," she mumbled.
In few seconds, the sprain-healer has corrected the twisted bone and it was followed by a quite pitched yelp in Raul's ear by the brunette. Raul's ears were miraculously spared that day.
Her foot was wounded in bandages and she kept in one position. "I'm so prisoned with this sprain now!" She complained,
"Yeah, but Ash, no shifts, no college and no walks." Raul said with an unsure chuckle,
"You!" Ashlene reached for him to punch but he escaped,
"Good, stay where you are or else the healer will come again," he joked. Ashlene's face twisted in comical fury but the sister and the brother couldn't help laughing.
"It will take at least a week before I can walk vaguely," Ashlene mumbled to herself.
"Don't worry, I will help you," Raul assured,
"No need," Ashlene said curtly.
"Oh, what happened to mom's leg?" Ellie appeared suddenly. She asked looking at the bandaged foot.
"I got a sprain Ellie! Now shut up!" Ashlene fired.
"Does that mean you can't move on your own?" Ellie asked with half chuckle, half nervousness.
"Yeahhh!"
She laughed inwardly, "No problem mom, you will be okay, at least in a month,"
"Nope! I will be okay within a week!" She shouted,
"Alright alright," Ellie convinced.
Julia tried convincing her as well while Raul went to get medicines for her that the doctor has prescribed.
Ellie took her blade and walked in backyard. Raul spotted her and he was scared deadly. He stomped towards the blue head and hissed, "Do you have any idea what are you gonna do?"
"Huh?" Ellie laughed nervously, "Y-Yeah. Mom's leg is impaired. Right?" she asked,
"Your mom will kill you if she finds it." Raul growled lowly,
"Don't worry, mom's gone temporarily." Ellie smirked,
"Bad girl," Raul commented before he walked out towards the store.
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Tyson packed only the things that were very necessary for him and he did it very quickly. He didn't want to be late. His flight was just two hours after, and he was quizzical if he should go alone. He nonetheless rushed to the airport accompanied by Daichi.
"Daichi, please take care of Gramps when I'm not at home," Tyson told him,
"Yeah I will Tyson. You just take care of Grandma!"
"Bye!" Tyson trotted after a quick adieu to the monkey boy.
Tyson reached at Hilary's place within six to seven hours. Thanks to Delia who explained him their location correctly and with ease.
So this is their hostel where they stay… I wonder how it's built from inside.
He took the lift to reach the girl's floor. Delia was standing at their door and she beckoned Tyson when he was searching for them.
"Hey," Tyson rushed towards the last room.
"Hi," Tyson greeted and without a tad delay, he stumbled inside.
"Where is Hila-" He asked and already saw her that she was sleeping on the couch.
"Quiet, Tyson. She slept a few minutes before. Let her rest. She didn't sleep ever since she returned." Margot explained.
"Is she okay?" Tyson asked in a low shushed tone,
"Not really. But she fell asleep crying,"
"It will definitely take time for her to get back to routine life." Margot said,
"Yeah, I'm just worried how she will cope up this loss." Tyson said with a sad smile. He walked towards her and caressed his hand on her forehead,
" Hmm, we are worried as well." Delia said as she thumped on the floor, "Don't mind me but I'm tired,"
"It's okay." Tyson said, "Did you two know about Hilary's feelings for him?" Tyson asked looking at Margot.
"Y-Yeah, w-we did know. We are close friends, obviously,"
"And you never advised her to tell him?" Tyson asked getting emotions, his eyes becoming narrow,
"Look Tyson, it's her life, we can't interfere. We sure did help her whenever she needed and asked her what she wanted about this. But she just ignored and skipped our questions. WE never knew that things would tangle out to this extend." Margot said slowly,
"And regarding Ryan's Lupus, we came to know a month before and we really told Hilary to confess him but she didn't listen us. She told that she want him first to get well. She was really upset about this and the diagnosis showed that he's suffering it since two years. He hid us from us as well," Delia said defensively,
"Delia, slow down, Hils' sleeping,"
"Yeah, sorry," Delia looked at Tyson, "He told Hils that he had Lupus after the Fresher's party when he refused to take the rose that day. Trust me Tyson, I think it was because of this entire thing which really let Hilary not to confess him and I guess Ryan did know about her feelings. It was clearly understood when Hilary offered him that rose. Yeah, I'm not entirely sure if Ryan would have reciprocated her feelings or not. I don't know this. He was a nice guy though,"
"He WOULD have reciprocated. I'm cent percent sure." Margot said curtly,
"Might be," Delia said,
"But he's gone now…No use talking this." Tyson said laughing lightly with regret,
"Mmhmm," Hilary stirred in her sleep. Tyson slowly walked towards her, "H-Hilary," he mumbled.
Hilary opened her lids and discerned his presence, "Tyson…?" she looked at him.
"Yeah, it's me. C'mon, let's go home. Everyone is waiting." He said her smiling his best though sadness was lingering on him.
"Who?" she asked,
"Mom, dad, Gramps, Maxie, everyone are waiting,"
Hilary didn't say anything. She slowly looked away from his face towards a small bed in the corner, at the window side,
She kept on staring at that place. Her eyes were stooped low, weak and agonized. Tyson looked at Margot in a questioning demeanor.
"Ryan used to lie here in his last days." Margot hushed.
"Oh!"
He turned to Hilary, "Hilary," he softly said, "Don't look there. We are leaving this place. Let's go." He placed his arm around her shoulder and she limply fell in his embrace, wordlessly.
"Hey, say something." Tyson tried, gulping down his own fears,
"I don't know…" Hilary said.
"We packed her things already." Delia said quietly, "Take her with you for some time. We are anyway having holidays for a week; she will be okay till that time," Delia lied about the holiday part.
"Yeah hope so," Tyson looked at Hilary, "C'mon, get changed, we will leave within few hours," he tried,
She didn't say anything and closed her eyes. Tyson sighed. He sat there with her and let her sleep more. He sat in the same position for at least two hours and she showed no signs of waking up.
She woke up after sunset. "Hilary, you awake?" he asked. She opened her eyes fully.
"C'mon, let's go out." He looked at Delia and Margot. They nodded.
Hilary somehow agreed and got up. They went to the beachside. It was quite, just the usual bellows of the sea.
Tyson and Hilary sat together and the two girls behind them.
"So, you visit here often?" Tyson asked,
She didn't answer, just stared at the ocean with those dull and hopeless eyes.
"Hilary?" he shrugged her,
"Huh?" she looked at him blinking,
"I asked do you visit here often?" He asked,
"No…" she replied,
"So, where do you go often?" he laughed, trying to cheer up,
"My grave." She said numbly,
Tyson felt tinged at her reply.
"Hilary, please. I'm trying to-"
"Don't try. I'm okay. I am not coming to Japan with you." She said fiercely,
"Hey-"
"I will stay here with Ryan. Ryan's soul lives here around. He's still around. I'm not leaving this place." She said,
"NO!" Tyson fired, "You've to believe the truth. Ryan is gone, to be more bitterly specific, he's dead. You got me?" he said staring angrily at her.
"How heartless…" she smiled,
"Yeah, might be, but not a liar at least." He said.
"What do you want?" Hilary asked confusedly,
"You to come back to Japan for a week or sometime,"
"What will I do there?" She asked,
"You will be away from this place where your mind is haunted by Ryan." Tyson explained.
"Tyson…"Hilary looked at him deeply, "Is Ryan really gone? Gone forever?" She asked in deep grief.
"Yeah Hils," Tyson sighed, hugging her,
"Tyson, I r-really loved him. I really did." She said in a low deep tone.
"I know," Tyson sighed,
"C'mon, let's go home. Make a plan when we are leaving or I will do and we will go." Tyson smiled,
"Not back to Japan, Tyson," Hilary said worriedly,
"I'd have taken you somewhere else Hils, but I'm really not financially strong currently," he said embarrassedly,
"Oh, it's okay. We will go to Japan."
They walked to home together along with Delia and Margot back,
"I will take a shower first," she said,
"Sure," Tyson smiled.
He looked at her till she closed the door,
"Tyson!" Delia called,
"Please take her away soon," Margot said suddenly panicky,
"Why?"
"Because," Delia showed him a book,
"What's this?"
"It's Ryan's diary."
"Oh!" Tyson was surprised, "You've read them?" Tyson asked
"Yeah, but it just contains pictures of music bands and his own photos," Delia showed flinging the pages, "However there are three pages at the end where he wrote these things."
"What?" Tyson asked surprised,
"It states that he lost his mother two and a half years back. It was a suicide and he still doesn't give the reason. After six months when he got Lupus, he was a friend of Hilary, a close one. He actually means, he started considering her as a part of his then life. Till then he just knew her." Delia explained, "He says that he wanted to tell Hilary to help him with Lupus but he felt she'd be worried. This is after a year. He says that he tried telling her many times but Hilary didn't give him any chance. This entry is dated a month before exactly- the day when he said Hilary actually, the day after Fresher's party."
"Oh shit," Tyson's eyes widened, "Hilary shouldn't know this!"
"Yeah. He says that Hilary perhaps could have motivated and helped him live more but she never gave him the chance to let him say about Lupus. She was on most times, wanted his friendship or might be a relationship. He himself seems unsure," Delia's eyes welled as she said,
"He says that he knew he was going to die within quite time soon and he tried telling Hilary not to leave when he was in hospital when she was leaving, but she didn't hear him. He says that he couldn't have told her louder. He was weak." Margot says looking agonized, "His words are quoted here 'I said her to stay but sadly my low voice couldn't reach her' She went to Japan and he lost his hope." Margot closes the diary.
"I really wish if Hilary could have given him those all chances and heard him when he wanted her to," Tyson said in a broken tone,
"It means Ryan did have a brief idea that Hilary liked him as he says she probably wanted a relationship with him and I guess he liked her too since it was on her he trusted to cure him," Delia says.
"Tyson! You take Hilary away from here, I will hide this diary." Margot says.
Delia immediately hides the diary as she hears the knob of the bathroom opening and Hilary spots them, fortunately she doesn't see his diary.
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"I can Beyblade now!" Ellie shouts in happiness.
"Keep quiet, your mom will kill us, me first if she knows this." Raul advises scared,
"Her sprained ankle will never allow this to happen," Ellie chuckles,
"Are you crazy? She will know it and trust me she will…" Raul stopped, his eyes fixed at a point behind her shoulder, "Oh, right,"
Ellie trudged out to Beyblade. She peeped inside the room and Ashlene was just browsing her phone with half closed eyes. Good, good chance, Ell. Time to blade yahhu!
Ellie was having her life time blading in the nearby park. Raul reluctantly took her to the park and played a few battles, frantic that Ashlene would appear out of blue and pull out a tantrum, but fortunately the blue haired girl was destined to blade, her soul on seventh sky with spirit and blade.
A few weeks passed and it became their daily routine to go to park after Raul returned from work and Ashlene didn't mind at all.
Ashlene however started walking with mild tethers and breaks and resumed her college. She didn't have the vaguest idea of what her daughter was doing. Days were passing simply, the autumn was coming, her term was ending and Julia was simply working extra outside.
A few days later, due to some hospital lecture discussion, she visited Fred's house. Fred introduced her to his family and they started working on the PowerPoint presentation and the lectures. The work ended within an hour and she lounged on the couch. Fred prepared some coffee and they rested briefly.
"So, what are you doing next?" Ashlene asked,
"You mean after internship?" Fred quirked an eyebrow,
"Nope," Ashlene giggled, "I just meant in the evening,"
"Oh, I will be preparing some food for myself and will take a shower probably," Fred half smiled,
"Hmm, anyways what will you do after internship?" Ashlene asked,
"Uhmn," Fred gnawed, "Maybe I will write an entrance for the Masteries?" He smiled nervously, "Or will probably search for a cute girl to date with," he smirked,
"Ha ha, yeah, you should do that," Ashlene chuckled,
"What about you. I mean- uh, oops. I forgot. How's Ellie by the way?" he suddenly asked,
"Hmm," Ashlene whispered with down ducked head, "What I've to do exactly…" she laughed half-heartedly,
"I'm sorry, I-"
"No its okay." Ashlene said. There was an uncomfortable silence for few seconds,
"Ashlene, if you don't mind can I ask you something?" Fred's lower lip quaked as he asked,
"Yeah,"
"Can you tell me who's Ellie's dad was? What had happened with you?" he asked expectantly,
"What's the use Fred? He's gone anyways… not gonna come back…" Ashlene exhaled recklessly,
"Might be its not for always. He might come back one day…" Fred sympathized,
"I really don't think so," she smiled in utter nostalgia,
"Still... what happened?"
"Long story. Wanna listen?"
"I'm all in ears."
A/N: Long chapter, hum? I know many things happened in this chapter. I'm sorry for Ryan's part. I pity that, but I promise, Hilary won't end up sad forever. She will recover soon. As for Ashlene's part, what do you think is going on between her and Raul? Any ideas about both of their feelings or if they are something or merely nothing? There is a meaning in the title of the chapter.
Trust me, Ryan was such a sweet personality. He was one of the sweetest guys here. :*
This chapter is for Misty! Or else, I was going to update on Wednesday, tomorrow.
REVIEW!