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Flashback- Part 1.
A/N: These events are flashback and have occured before Ryan's death, when his health was still not worse. It's of that time when Hilary and others didn't know about Ryan's Lupus.
Hilary's POV:
Holidays started a few weeks back and I can't believe that they will be over soon. I was fumbling over my thoughts all through these days, having nothing productive to do at all. Thoughts mostly on Ryan Finlay- the guy who had the nerve to make my nights sleepless thinking about him. He wasn't entirely well last night, said he'd some headache and nausea. I thought to visit him but then, it was past 12 in midnight.
I was just scared of what anyone would think if they saw me going into a guy's room at that time, so I just had to give up on the idea. He told me when I started chatting him simply when I was flipping sides trying to sleep. I wasn't expecting him to be awake but nonetheless he was; and I was a little surprised at first but then he told that he was sick. I felt a little remorseful but I said him to take Aspirin and he shut the conversation. I guess, he expected me to visit him.
Sorry Ryan…
Margot and Delia are fine. They spend time mostly outside, going to watch movies if I refuse, dining at restaurants, clubs often, parks in morning. I thought and determined to go parks in morning many times but I just couldn't get my mind realize that it's important for me to wake and go to the park and take the zest of those beautiful breezes, sunshine radiating seraphically, get that ecstasy of jogging whilst earphones on blast with music but all those plans were in just vain. I vanquished them.
I was supposed to visit Japan this time but I just didn't want to. Somehow I didn't feel so. I wanted be around Ryan. That was more than enough… only if he would allow me to be. Mostly he would be sleeping. Trust me, he would be sleeping all through the day, lying to me if I'd ask that he's not well, but I know it. He'd just prepare something for himself if he was well or he would just order something from outside or ask any of his colleagues to buy for him something in case they are going out. He is so anti-social. He wouldn't even go out. Does the guy doesn't carve to feel sunshine on his skin? To breathe in the breezes? What devil is holding him in that room? Man, I went to his room so many times and he'd just call me and tell that he's sleeping and trust me, he indeed was sleeping. He would be awake around in evening till late nights and then fall asleep before sun rays hit his window sill.
In that time, he'd either shower up, cook something, scare me that he's taking sleeping pills, which I really wish is a lie, because I myself checked up his room and asked him seriously, and he said he wasn't taking any sleeping pills. His face wouldn't deny that. He'd meet me, sometimes in my room or I'd be in his room but it was for short time because I'd to be back before it got too late. I'd have stayed in his room for entire day.
Rarely, we would meet on terrace, and the memories of my majestic revival would be stirred up. I'd refrain so damn hard from flustering and losing my cool. I'd a blissful time while we would be talking standing side my side against the balcony of the terrace, walking occasionally.
"So, you didn't go at your parent's place this time?" I asked him.
"Wasn't just in the mood," He shrugged.
"But why?" I urged,
"I like be around here, with people around here," He said. I smiled inwardly. People like who, Ryan?
"But for most of the time, you aren't around any people," I said with subtly adducting my brows.
"I'm around you currently. Aren't you one of the people?" He said with a laughing smile,
I couldn't stop my smile, I smiled so fully and gleefully, "But still," I pouted slightly,
He rubbed his head slightly in embarrassment, "You are in that four walled room with no people, but air, Ryan," I patted him,
"Well, that's because I'm sleepy, Hilary," He said, his eyelids drooping slightly, probably due to sleepiness.
"You really sleep all the day?" I asked little unbelievably and tensed up,
"Well, I do wake up in the middle sometimes, and I take showers, almost like multiple times in the day so as to drive away my sleep, but it just don't work mostly." Ryan said with a sad smile, almost childish,
"Oh," I looked at him sympathetically, "Well, do you feel sleepy now?"
"No, not really," He smiled admirably,
"Good, I will come to your room daily in morning, and we can spend time together and work on driving your sleep away," I threw a fist in air and he looked at me disbelievingly but smirked. Like a kid, I was hooting happily and he was looking at me with laughingly smile. And the next thing that happened was he put his arms around my head on shoulders and stared at me with smile, "Give your joys a little rest, little girl,"
There was still a little distance between us but I heated up tersely. For seconds, I just shup up. I shut up with my chanting and lively demeanor. I was gazing in those forever-like black eyes and felt melted momentarily before he smiled to break my trance and I moved back a little looking at the sky abruptly to remind us that it's probably nearing the sunset.
We gazed at the sky that was blend in different shades of orange and pink with tint of blueness. As we gazed, I could feel the price and beauty of this moment- we two- doing the same thing- gazing at the sky; and I'd a little heartache that this moment is gonna anyway end in few seconds.
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And the next thing that happened was the shooting of Delia and Margot with so many questions when I returned to room. I don't even understand how they see that happiness and unbounded joys on my face even though I just hide them, lock them inside.
"Mr. Ryan had given you a revival it seems," Delia nudged me terribly,
I rolled my eyes, "Like in once upon a blue moon, he'd been out of his room. I'm sure there is some spell in that room who keeps him inside all throughout."
"And, so you guys said anything?" Margot asked,
"We talked, of course," I said,
"About what?" Margot asked,
"About you," I joked. They flinched at the start but got me eventually that I was joking.
"Aww, c'mon, don't hide from us," Delia said so sweetly,
"Well, just about him…"I said, with that I took my cell, "Anyways I'm sleeping." Good night- I texted to Ryan. "I'm coming with you guys to park tomorrow. Make sure to wake me up,"
"You say that always. The day's gonna actually never come," Delia rolled her eyes,
"Nope sweetie, I'm coming. Ryan's coming too." I winked and cooed myself in the warm sheets.
"Ohhoo," They hooted and winked back.
I could already imagine that beautiful moment. The beauty of nature in dawn and Ryan, and us…
I smiled childishly and fully to myself secretly before falling into the dreams again.
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The next dawn, I was ready up, freshened and cool. I never felt so confident. I sauntered to his room and knocked. To my greatest surprise, he opened the door and showed up with a toothbrush in his mouth in one corner. I giggled and took the courtesy to walk in the room. Margot and Delia were waiting at the reception downstairs. I was really expecting him to be sleeping.
He smiled at me and ushered me towards a couch. Meanwhile, he brushed his teeth and got changed and showed up.
"Sorry, I am a lil' late," He said,
"No worries," I smirked.
"So how did you manage to get up early?" I asked,
"Alarm," He said. That wasn't it though, I know.
"Really?" I raised an eyebrow.
"Haha, mom called me in morning so…" He said unsurely,
I was eager to listen to more but he didn't continue, "So your mom asked you to show up?" I asked as he grabbed his jacket,
"Yeah, she does that all the time." He said jadedly a little, seeming uninterested and unwilling to talk about this,
"Umm, so why don't you go?" I asked as he took keys of his bike and room. I was about to tell him that we're going by walk but I ignored.
He didn't answer but ushered me out. I stride out and then he did. "I don't feel so," He said as he locked the door. He pressed strongly his four fingers against the thumb with a swish, and I understood that he was highly reluctant to talk about this. I dropped the conversation because I didn't want to upset him right now.
"As long as you're happy to do what you want, its okay, Ryan." I felt so hurt to say that and I almost felt betrayed by myself- Because I respect mothers. I really felt so bad for his mom. His mom has asked him, and basically she does always like he said and he still doesn't want to go and I know it's not because of my presence here or that stupid room's devilish aura to make him stay here. I don't know but the fact that he turned his mom down and refused to pay visit even though we are having holidays, it stings. I don't know about his siblings if any, but I just wish if his mom is alright.
Suddenly, my mood is down, I don't want to be with him and go on walks and have a fine time whilst his mom is probably upset and worried about him. I just wish if I could talk to that woman.
I sighed. I sighed so terribly that he noticed me. He'd the nerve to ignore or let go of those questions and sadness on my face. Because, I'm readable- like an open book. Trust me, even Amelia used to say that I'm readable at times, most often. Heck, even Tyson joked about it.
And I knew Ryan could read me, probably could even envisage what I'm feeling, physically or emotionally.
We made it to the cellar and he took his bike and he beckoned me to get seated and I did. Somehow I managed to sit without touching him. He knew that I was angry or not really happy when I sat without touching him. It was just one of my signs.
He started and in few seconds we were speeding softly through the clean, cold morning streets lined by leaves. We were silent for quite time and I almost felt tired feeling the breezes hit me and remembering his mom.
"Hilary, I like here to be around. I like to be here, that's why I don't go," Ryan said abruptly but softly.
"Do you know the value of a mother?" I asked him and I was almost on the verge of arguing.
"I know," He said without heave, "But I'm just too lazy sometimes. I want to rest. I don't have the energy of handling anything and visiting them."
"They are not calling you to work out. They miss you, they want to meet you." I said a little stoutly,
"You're right but my decisions depend on me." He said. That was curt and rebuff.
"Maybe one day… one day you will be very unhappy about your actions."
"What about you, why didn't you go to Japan this year?" He asked
"I go every year. I wasn't just in the mood to go this time and I WOULD go even if I'd classes going on IF my parents would ask me even once. And that's not just parents. I go at Tyson's birthday, at many eves. It is not like my parents don't miss me or asks me to come, they do and I'm grateful to God that I've such loving parents but this time, I wasn't in mood and besides, my parents have gone for a trip to Paris." I said very clearly in a blunt tone almost.
"Oh, I got you," He said a little shamefully,
I didn't say anything further and he was quiet. I guess he was realizing what I meant.
We reached the park and he parked his car while I waited for him near the entrance, admiring the red roses that were growing in a bush.
"Shall we?" He showed up. I nodded and walked in. I almost stumbled due to unknown reason but somehow balanced and Ryan held me. I traipsed somehow, hiding my reluctance which was sudden. The lobby was lined with lilies and other zinnias. The leaves seemed multi-colored, blending shades of green vibrantly, and their shapes so hazily admirable. The turf itself was short and comfortable to plod upon. I jabbed my finger against my pocket as I felt sudden vibration and picked my phone. Ryan gave a side glance and took extra seconds to analyze the name that was popping on the screen. I had a habit to look at him whenever he did but this time I didn't.
"Yeah?"I almost forgot who it was though I just saw the name.
"Tyson. Did you not save it?" He questioned with quirkily.
"Whatever. You're up so early?" I said and noticed that Ryan sauntered.
"Its past nine here." He answered.
"Well, what got you there then?" I rolled my eyes,
"Are you with Ryan?" He asked almost deviously with mischief.
"Y-Yeah, any problem?" I accosted.
"No, no problem," he was chucking heartily and I had the nerve right then to cut the line abruptly.
"Hmm, you're right. This garden is fine. So calm, serene, quiet and blue," Ryan dazzled with smile.
"I know…" I said with a gingerly smile.
"Where are Delia and Margot?'' he asked, his eyes searching for them simply around.
"Oh, there they are!" I spotted them and jabbed my finger in air pointing them. There they were circling around a fountain and finally seating on its edge and having some talk.
"Guess they are tired," He said wiping his slender fingers round his forehead.
I smiled at his actions. I just liked how he was. Pitting aside his personal attitude for his mother which I hated, I love the way he was out there. His way of smiling, looking at things, eyes so black and forever, his way of laughing and preventing his flustering, everything. It's as if a soft music blows behind whenever I admire him. Just like Tyson, or probably more than his dressing was decent- Formal shirts and formal pants- Simple and delectable. Our moments seemed destined rendezvouses. For now, I was able to shove the anger and cross aside I had for him. It was so enigmatic and foggy to understand.
Usually when I'm angry, I'm not okay for quite time. This time was different.
"You want to know why I like this place," He asked as he stroked his finger tip against the frontier of blue hydrangea.
I looked at him in curiosity, "A life with solitude is beautiful in its own sadness," I shook my head. Then I realized that he wasn't even probably talking to me. It was the flower. I sighed in defeat.
"And how do you appreciate that?" I asked nonetheless with confident instinct.
He looked at me acknowledging that I heard. He stood from his little crouching position and stared so blankly, "Oversensitive people only know that. They are the calmest of all at the end," he looked in the ocean of skies, feeling the air caress him, "A few end up wild though zesting the life. I anyhow don't fall in that category," He laughed sheepishly suddenly but briefly and continued strolling leisurely. I sometimes envied the ways he was calm, took in the beauty of nature so efficiently and made peace his priority.
"Ryan…" I shook my head slightly in admiration and unbelievably. He raised his eyebrows cheerfully as we completed almost three-fourths of the round of the garden. "You are the calmest person closest to nature I've ever known," I admitted not able to hold back.
"The calmness holds a big storm inside, Hilary," Ryan answered almost instinctively.
"Why?" I asked coolly turning to him and casually halting in my steps.
I've never asked for the love
That was too costly served
That I'd to beg and cry for
I've been on my own
Even when alone,
Even when no one's there
Even when I'm the one to smile at myself
I don't need any help
Chained in my pessimism and fear,
Gulping and hiccupping as I watch in mirror
Sniffling as the reality hits
Never be the same
Never be the same,
Shattered relations are painful
Than those which were never were,
I'm never the one to fix
I've my silence
Because respect and sorry don't mix
I'm quite now,
I might leave one day,
You will have lot to say,
But I won't be there to listen.
"I am not sure," he shrugged and continued walking, leaving that question unanswered.
"I will tell you this," He said to me softly with an accusing smile, "Don't judge a relationship by the amount of love that probably the one never have gotten by other. Its sometimes tattered by the grief and silence that NO one else has given the same," He gently leaned against skywards and closed eyes. "Cracks doesn't strengthen always, they make something so vulnerable that it's better to leave,"
I held his wrist and unknowingly I squeezed it and I myself was staring at the cosmos aside. He turned his head towards his shoulder and looked at me,
My grip loosened and I sighed, "Compromises are better than breaking some relations," I said gently, still not looking at him.
"You think so?" He asked. I nodded, looking in his black eyes holding confrontation.
"I'm egoistic. I'm attitude filled up." He laughed sardonically, "I don't say sorry unless I feel it's my fault. I'd rather have it broken forever. That's me." He said and suddenly but slowly held my wrist and leaned towards me, quite close. I could almost feel his breath and I tensed up, "I don't go for compromises. I accept mistakes but not egos. And I don't give a fuck to change for anyone." The air between our skins was almost vanquished and burned. He moved and left my wrist.
I swore I was never gonna discuss about his personal life ever, the one especially that involved his mom.
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Somehow I didn't meet Ryan for the next two days and no texts were exchanged between us. His rooms got chillier and frozen. He slept even more. I was now doubting that there is definitely morphine in his room but there was no away I could confirm that.
I wasted two days simply lying on my bed, standing in balcony, listening sad songs all time, embracing the sadness just like him. I spend time just eating sparsely, sleeping, flipping my pillow, and staring at my mediocre room. Margot and Delia somehow didn't question me. They were more involved in some festival that was going on with its preps. Freshers' was arriving and the whole college was hosting it for the freshers.
I almost kept on lying awake till four in morning because I just couldn't stop thinking of him. The way I felt the nostalgia reviving him, burning some old wounds, the way he had put a facade on them. Somehow I was experiencing him. Subconsciously, I could feel his words said to me again and again. Unexpectedly I cried that night- So silently, so crushingly. I don't know why. It was a mix of his reluctance to exactly say me everything clearly, his sadness which he conceals, and my frustration of my inability to confess him even until now, his habits of drowning in depression. I was there. I am here and I still can do NOTHING. Oh heavens know that I've tried.
I woke up straight at three past afternoon and what I knew was the first thing that hit me was that my stomach was yelling. I still had the nerve to go for showering for first. Even as I close my eyes when the warm shower pours on my skin, I could feel his skin calming even when I'm burning. My eyes shoot open and I roll down the hot knob a little less. My skin would have been red if I weren't a little early.
I sighed.
I wrapped my towel brashly around and sat in one dry corner. Balled up, I cried. I didn't want to but the heated frustration was doing it. I just wanted to go, hug him and tell that I'm there.
Rubbing my skin, I dressed up in casuals. I finally made my body walk out of my room and somehow I ended up in front of his room. I blinked as the realization hit me. Before I could knock, I saw the door opening. I gasped but walked in.
I looked around but he wasn't there and I could hear the shower open. I rushed towards washroom and knocked. It abruptly opened with more expanded sound of shower. I flinched heartily in shock as I saw his frail figure lying down in that downpour which was burning. He was dressed fully but still so lied there in nihilty. I yelled almost and rushed towards him and shouted his name, "Ryan!" I shouted and shook him, almost convulsing him but no avail. I literally dragged him from there to the bed-front and leaned him against its legs. I was lamenting and crying, deranged and insane.
I took nor-adrenaline bottle from his cupboard and dipped cotton in it and brought it towards his nostrils and he shook violently in seconds. He was hyperventilating and staring me with shock. "Wake up! What have you done!" I clutched his shoulders and his eyes weakly shut. "I'm okay," he barely mumbled.
I literally changed his shirt, closed my eyes as I made it quick while changing his trousers. My hands trembled even in that speed. "Don't do that," He said exhaustingly when I did the latter. "It's not like we didn't see naked cadavers in first year," I said angrily.
I didn't eat anything since last night. I was shaking myself; especially after the huge amount of shock he has given me and the work I did. I called Delia and told her urgently to bring something at Ryan's room. Till then I dried his hair in utter haste and tried waking up. He would slightly moan just to make me understand that he is conscious. That at least, he is trying to maintain his consciousness. Delia was there in no time. She bought the soup from canteen. I told her to go since I sensed Ryan wouldn't be comfortable probably. She left but was worried.
In my haste, I fed him the soup with teary anger. He drank almost the soup and unfortunately the bowl fumbled on him. His entire shirt got spoilt and he hitched as the hot soup burned his skin. I slapped my forehead and reached to get another shirt. By this time, I felt dizzy. My head was going giddy but I managed to maintain my equilibrium and stood with courage. I saw some whitish cloth and I guess it was a shirt and I took it and tethered towards him. His eyes barely fluttered open. I thumped on floor and took off his spoilt shirt with hands quaking. He smiled softly and barely at me, drowned out of energy. I pushed his hands through those sleeves and he was half-way wearing it now. With that, I passed out as I my head plummeted in air, the scent of him getting my mind dozed off, vaguely that I remember I fell against that bare chest in that unbuttoned shirt. Subconsciously I knew that he didn't make any efforts pushing me anywhere. His head and back was resting against the bed front's edge. I was upon him enveloping the frail figure. His hand reached for some sheet and he pulled it covering us gently until we both went into a drained and tired slumber.
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The next time my eyes opened, I was in the same place where I was last there… except that Ryan was awake, his fingers trailing in my hair. I blinked as I realized what happened. I looked at him and he smiled. The sight of that bare chest made me fluster and I pushed my palms against the floor in an attempt to get up. Sitting aside, I was quickly recovering from drowsiness. Pushing my legs against my chest and rubbing my hands, I exhaled brashly. Ryan turned swiftly, now sitting facing against me directly.
"What were you doing?" I accosted and looked at him in accusation.
"I passed out." He said as simply as he could.
"Are you crazy?" I raised my voice and frowned threateningly.
He placed his hand against my cheek gently moving those fingers briefly before pausing and answering, "You saved me. Thank you very much." I am not sure if he meant that. But I guess he was thankful. My frustrated wild reaction was shoving off his hand from my cheek, punching him on shoulder damn hard and veering myself against him into a coarse hug. He wrapped back his hands but we could completely fall on ground like we were doing, I pulled back swiftly.
Before I could make myself a tomato, I nervously got up to leave.
"Hilary," He softly called me,
I stopped, "Hmm,"
"You really mean a lot to me. Thanks so much." He said meaningly. I nodded as the thrills of the words got into my nerves. I walked out wondering if he's completely fine to handle himself.
Only because I was an hour late in returning, I received this great compliment, "You literally smell like Ryan." Delia said deviously with a huge grin.
I shrugged ignoring and walked in kitchen.
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Yeah , yeah it happened. I just can't believe it though. I shook my head, flummoxed and bewildered with myself. Sprinting across my room, I rammed myself lazily against the bed. I felt my half naked legs quiver slightly as a chill breeze hit it. I shivered but crooned my head in the pillow.
How this could have happened? I was impatient. I was stupid. I hit my clenched fist against the bed rest and sniffled.
A/N: So, how was the chapter? ;)
I hope I did justice to all the RyanHil fans! XD
Reply to Guest: Hey. Thanks for reading and reviewing! ^-^ Nope dude, Ryan is absolutely not Ellie's father! I can confirm that. I hope you liked this chapter :)
Okay, so like I've said, all these events had taken before Ryan's death. Just again confirming.
There is mention of Amelia in this chapter once. Yes, Hilary and Amelia do know each other, of course. It's a thing of past though. Why do you think Ryan was drowning in depression? Was it certain people? Was it Lupus? Was it Hilary? You think Ryan also might have had feelings for Hilary?
The way he said a few things in garden, what do you think might have been his reasons? Just one thing, remember that Ryan is a teen and his reasons needn't need to be 100 percent valid. It's based on feelings, hurt and actions of what he have experienced and felt.
I absolutely loved and enjoyed writing this chapter and I guess you guys have liked it as well. Please review!
Oh, I do owe the poem. Hope you liked it.
There are 3 more chapters of Flashbacks which will come later, not in the next chapter or so soon. However those 3 chapters are dedicated to Tyson's past and Amelia. ;D
Get ready!