Chapter 17

"What did Nostradamus say? Can he cure you?" There was genuine concern in Henry's voice. Like so many times before in the past days and weeks. Catherine felt helpless, standing before him, unable to put the impressions and feelings into words that dominated her world of thoughts. The fear in Henry's eyes increased her own fear of being damned to a life with a grave handicap. But unlike before, Catherine could no longer bear his overwhelming care, for his presence was slowly but surely suffocating her.
She had to get away. Get away from here – and away from Henry.
By putting one foot in front of the other, Catherine fled with her gaze stubbornly fixed on the floor, not even aware that she hadn't answered his question. She hurried along the dark corridor whose walls seemed to be moving towards her, threatening to crush her.

"Catherine!" Henry cried and she could hear the echo of his approaching footsteps, that were gradually closing up to her. "Would you please wait? What is the matter?" Catherine quickened her pace but Henry had already caught up with her and his strong hands stopped her by grabbing her shoulders. With gentle force he turned her around.
She neither had the time to catch her breath nor to prepare herself for this confrontation. And she was afraid that her husband could see the naked fear in her eyes that had captivated her whole body.
"Nothing, I'm just tired," she hastily explained for lack of a better answer. Henry's watchful gaze that examined her beady-eyed, was clear proof that he did not believe a word she said.
"Catherine, dear, no matter what Nostradamus said, we will get through this - together. I am here for you. We will manage." Before she could protest, Henry took the vials her seer had given her and with his other hand, he caressed her cheek in a comforting gesture.

For about three seconds, Catherine gave in to his small caress, enjoying the warmth of his hand, which seemed to be able to hold the chilling coldness at bay. But then she took a step back, breaking their spell by putting some distance between them.
"It's been a long day," she said for the lack of a better explanation. Her voice sounded terribly thin and fragile to her own ears.
"You're right. You have to be exhausted. Let's retire to my bed chamber, okay? I will arrange for a decent meal to be served while you take a nice and relaxing bath? After all, tomorrow is another day."
"Henry," Catherine faltered and raised her right arm in order to touch him. But then she stopped dead in her tracks at the last moment, her fingers only a few millimeters away from his chest. In a deedless and resigning gesture Catherine let her hand sink down again. She just knew that she could not do what she had to do if she touched him now.
"I appreciate everything you have done for me and I can't even put into worlds how happy I am to be reunited with my little ones and to be back at court…" Catherine paused.

Henry's eyes that seemed to pierce her with its intense stare, clouded in a sense of foreboding. Obviously, her husband knew that she was not yet finished with her speech and what she was about to say would be met with his disapproval.
"But…?" He asked in suspicion and Catherine was close to backing down.
"I just can't. I need be alone." She could stand the disappointment that was written all over his face, but not the expression of pain shimmering in his eyes. "Please," she added, close to desperation. She didn't even know when in her life she had last used the word please. She only knew that she was in danger of losing herself if she spent one more night in his arms.
She had to find clarity. Clarity about what had happened to her and how things would go on from here. Clarity about whether her condition was temporary or permanent. And she had to find out who was behind the attack that had crippled her and killed her best men.
She couldn't do any of this with Henry hovering over her. For she couldn't think straight in his presence.
And she wondered where she and Henry were standing now that they were back at court. He was still interested in her as a woman and very concerned about her welfare, that she knew, but how long would it last? How long would he be able to resist the temptations of the fairer sex?
Could she even muster the strength or willingness to trust him one more time?
Was she willing to expose herself to the dangers and torments of a public love affair with her husband? A relationship that, if it failed, would expose her to ridicule or worse – to pity – in the light of day. Not to mention that Henry had the power to break her heart. Over and over again.

She had to face all these questions. But she could only work things out on her own. She needed to put some distance between them, to escape his adhesion and his strong arms with its danger of forgetting everything and everyone in them.
"Catherine, I don't know what to say...", Henry broke off in heart-softening helplessness and when she looked into his sad, dark eyes, Catherine had to swallow hard and avert her eyes for she feared giving in to his pleading stare.
"Then say nothing and respect my wish," she whispered and pried the vials from his hand in an almost violent way. Clutching the medicine in her healthy hand, Catherine de Medici fled to her chambers, leaving behind her heartbroken husband.

xxx

It's been 49 hours. 49 long hours since Catherine had taken flight and withdrawn from him. Never before in his life had two days felt like endlessness. Never before had he missed his wife that much. The longing for her was literally tearing him apart.
And although Henry knew what she was doing throughout these days – the people she was receiving in the seclusion of her chambers - the food that was being served to her - this knowledge could not comfort him over the fact that he was not among the illustrious circle of people she wanted to see.
The doors of her chambers only opened for their children, two of her ladies-in-waiting, one member of her flying squad, her quack and the young novice who had accompanied her. But not for her husband. Lord knew what had prompted her to exclude him from her life.

Taking long strides, the King of France hurried along the dark corridors of the castle. He was late for the meeting with his privy council. Once again. But he couldn't care less. His thoughts revolved around one person alone. And that person refused to see him.
Torn between frustration and anger, Henry ran his hand over his bald head and ejected a rude curse.

"Henry? I left Anet as soon as I've heard that you were back! Hence the rumors are true." Diane de Portier, dressed in a royal blue robe of finest silk, had appeared out of nowhere and threw herself into Henry's arms. Following an initial impulse, he returned her embrace, but as soon as his mind cleared, he pushed her away in irritation.
"Diane. What are you doing here? I haven't sent for you."
"I beat you to it, my love. Haven't you missed me in all those lonely nights?"

The way Diane blinked up at him from under her lashes, the way she spoke to him, the seductive tone of her voice - all these things would have deluded him to cancel his meeting and to turn to carnal pleasures instead in the past.
Today, however, another man was standing in front of Diane. A man who loved his wife, a man who had pledged allegiance to his Queen and a man who had matured over the past six months.
"I'm afraid you have travelled here in vain," he said with regret in his voice. Diane had always been an important part of his life, and she still had some meaning to him. Therefore, Henry didn't want to hurt her.
But there was one person he didn't want to hurt even less. And this person was Catherine. He was sure that Diane's presence at court wouldn't bring good memories to his wife. If anything, it would widen the chasm that had formed between them in the last two days for reasons he could not explain. Thus he had to make sure that Diane left as soon as possible. Preferably before Catherine even knew that his mistress had decided to pay him an unwanted visit.

"Henry, you can't be serious? I've only just arrived. And..." Diane abruptly stopped mid-sentence and with shock-widened eyes she stared right through him at the other end of the corridor. She looked like someone who had just seen a ghost. Henry turned in alarm and his eyes followed Diane's line of sight. But it wasn't a ghost he spotted on the other side of the corridor, but Catherine de Medici, his wife, whom he had not seen for two days and whom he had missed terribly.

Catherine's facial expression however reminded him of the imminent outbreak of a thunderstorm. A rather violent one. She was staring at them with narrowed eyes and Henry thought he saw angry lightning flashing up in her iris.
"How can this be possible?" Diane's voice trembled while speaking and her words sounded toneless and hollow.
"Here you see the reason why I have asked you to return to Anet immediately," Henry said without going into detail or averting his gaze from his wife.
"She is alive?" His mistress was also staring like thunderstruck in Catherine's direction and her voice was so quiet that Henry wondered if he had heard her wrong.
But he actually didn't care. It was Catherine's reaction that worried him, not Diane's.

"Catherine, how are you, my dear?" Without paying further attention to Diane, Henry went over to his wife. Despite her deadly glare, he bravely moved towards her until he came to a halt in front of her. His eyes had already taken in her gorgeous appearance. From her carefully pinned-up hair, the subtle make-up that thankfully could not hide all of her freckles, to the red robe that was one of his favorite pieces of her wardrobe. No color suited her better than a rich, royal red.

"I see, you didn't waste any time," Catherine spat tacks instead of an answer. Obviously, she had not forfeited her temper during these past two days. The mistrust she had never been able to get rid of during their journey had apparently gained the upper hand now. And Henry could not even blame her, although it was not really his fault, at least not right now. His wife had simply chosen the worst possible moment to finally leave her chambers.
"I did not invite Diane. It was her idea to pay me a visit." As soon as the words left his mouth, Henry knew they sounded like a poor excuse.
"How very prescient of her. If you'll excuse me now." Catherine turned to leave, but Henry gently grabbed her right arm, unwilling to lose what he had gained on their journey.
"No, Catherine. I think it's time that you and I finally have that talk, dear." Though Henry spoke in a gentle voice, there was an urgency in it that could not be ignored.

He had to eradicate her suspicion and distrust. Once and for all. And he had to finally know the diagnosis Nostradamus had made. Because the uncertainty was gradually driving him insane. Therefore, he directed Catherine with all certainty back to where she was coming from. Henry was glad that she went along voluntarily, though with reluctance. She had probably sensed his willingness to throw her over his shoulder and carry her if necessary, and he was sure that Catherine wanted to spare herself such a shame.

"So tell me, what is of such an importance that it cannot wait," his wife hissed as soon as he had closed the door behind them.
"I just want to talk to you, Catherine! To ask you how you're doing. Is that so unusual?" Henry gazed at his wife blatantly, greedily soaking up her appearance like a thirsty man in the desert.
"For the two of us? Certainly." Her answer frustrated him. Catherine sounded like the woman who did not trust him at all again. The woman with whom every conversation ended in a power struggle full of bitterness and expostulations. She no longer sounded like his Catherine, his wife who had lain in his arms on a small cot, his wife he had made tender love to every night. He could literally watch her raising her protective walls right before his very eyes.

"Catherine, you have to believe me. I did not invite Diane. In fact, I was asking her to leave the moment you appeared."
"Well, that may be true." Catherine said and Henry was about to rejoice, but then she went on and destroyed his enthusiasm with three words. "Or maybe not."
"You don't believe me?"
"Does it matter?" Her cryptic words made him groan in frustration.

Henry struggled against the growing despair that was rapidly spreading through his entire body.
Had the one thing he was most afraid of just happened?
Was he finally losing Catherine like sand that was slowly but steadily slipping through his fingers?
"Of course it matters. I want you to trust me. Have I given you any reason to not trust me in these past few weeks, Caterina?" Henry put all his power of persuasion into his words. And all of his heart. When he took a step forward to touch her, Catherine backed away from him.
"You were wonderful, and I am grateful for that. But we are back now. Why complicate things unnecessarily? Here at court we are different people, Henry." Besides resignation, Henry detected a sad melancholy in her voice that was rather untypical for Catherine.
"But different does not automatically mean worse. Yes, I have changed. Your flight and my time out there first with my men and then with you have changed me. But for the better, I hope."
"I can see that." Catching Henry by surprise, Catherine took a step towards him and stroked his chest with her good hand. "Perhaps it is I who have changed for the worse."

Before he could reply or reach out to his wife, she retreated from him and fled to the furthest corner of her bed chamber to stare out of the window.
"That's not true, Catherine," Henry contradicted, but since she showed no reaction, he wasn't sure if his words had even reached her. Alarmed about her reaction, he followed her and just when he was about to wrap his arms around her, Catherine stopped him.
"Don't!" The resoluteness of this single word hit him with the force of a fist directed at the pit of his stomach. "I can't stand being near you right now." Another verbal blow that physically made him flinch.

A pain of unimaginable magnitude spread through Henry's body, flowed into every fiber of his being and stung into his heart like a thorn. Was this what rejection felt like? Had he exposed Catherine to this very pain all those years that now raged deep inside his soul?
"I think it's better if you go now." Catherine didn't even turn while whispering these withering words that hung in the air like thick, impervious fog.

Never before in his life had he felt this helpless. Never before had he been hurt like this. He wanted to pull her into his arms, cover her face with hundreds and thousands of kisses and promise her that in the end everything would be okay. But he was frozen, standing behind his wife as if petrified, unable to even raise his hand to touch her. For fear of further rejection.

Suddenly Henry noticed a slight tremor, starting at Catherine's narrow shoulders, gradually capturing her entire back. Her reaction gave him hope. He didn't know what inner demons his wife was fighting, he even doubted that she herself knew right now. But in the reflection of the window he recognized the same unconscious pain he was feeling right now.
"I will respect your wishes, Catherine, and I will leave - for now. But I will come back. Every damn day if I have to." Henry was unable to suppress the tremors in his own voice.

He let his gaze glide over Catherine's motionless form one last time, fighting against an unknown longing and his desire to pull her into his arms. When the urge to act on this impulse became unbearable, did Henry gently grab her shoulders and turned his wife around to finally face him.
"I will see you and the children in the dining hall tonight. And don't forget: I love you." Henry placed a kiss on Catherine's forehead. Then he stroked her cheek lovingly and turned to leave before he forgot himself and did something he would regret later.
Throwing himself at her feet and begging for forgiveness, for example. Or stealing another kiss that would either lead to her coming back to her senses, or – in the worst case – lead to her hating him for the rest of her days.

Thus he left.

Here we go - another chapter - another drama. I hope you like it.
Thank you so much for reading and for all those reviews - I love and I appreciate every single one of them.