"Hey," Tara said and immediately looked away after confirming the shadow was indeed caused by Buffy.
"Hey," Buffy replied and frowned as she saw that Tara wouldn't even fully look at her. "Thank you for meeting with me. I know… I know I haven't been much of a friend to you."
Tara gasped at the apparent hurt in Buffy's voice and finally managed to look up, "n..nno… I mean… I was just Willow's girlfriend. And I…"
Buffy sighed in exasperation, something she was doing a lot of lately, and it was annoying even her. She wasn't exasperated with Tara's stutter - she was disappointed that Tara still wasn't comfortable enough not to stutter around her. Buffy came here to try and rectify that problem and was not off to a very good start.
"Do you mind if I sit?" Buffy motioned to the space next to Tara, and Tara nodded while also squeezing herself to the opposite end of the bench.
Buffy took a moment to collect her thoughts and to try not to be offended by the buffer Tara felt she needed between them. "Dawn thinks you left because of me." Buffy immediately regretted the conversation opener she had decided on. Her intent was to make Tara feel better and she was off to a terrible start.
"What! No! I swee...swear it wa.. Was…" Then Tara snapped her mouth shut. Buffy didn't come here to listen to Tara stuttering like an idiot. Tara had been doing so much better. She hated that her stutter was coming back in full force, all because she had foolishly believed that Willow had loved her.
"Tara." Buffy reached out to place a comforting hand on Tara's shoulder but changed her mind. Tara was obviously not at all at ease right now. Her body language was screaming that she just wanted this interaction to be over. "I guess I should have just called." Buffy laughed to herself and shook her head.
Tara still couldn't bring herself to look at Buffy, and she also had no idea how to reply to that comment. So she sat in silence, trying to make herself as small as possible and wait for Buffy to say what she wanted to say.
Buffy abruptly stood, moved a few paces away, and sat down in the grass. Not directly facing Tara, but close enough that she could still see her body language. "I never thought for a minute that you left because of me. Though..." Then she stopped and shook her head again. She was going to joke about maybe she was wrong with the way Tara was behaving - but again changed her mind at any attempt at unwanted friendliness. It was too late to fix this relationship - Buffy had burned her bridges. All she could do now was move forward and try to make things better for Tara. "Look - I know that Willow has been doing things wrong. I've known for about six months." Buffy couldn't help the slight edge in her voice at that comment.
Tara stayed silent, so Buffy continued. "Now she tells Dawn that you left because you couldn't stand my moping around."
"B..b... I.." Tara grimaced and dug her fingernails into her palms to try and remember how to talk. Buffy was hurting because of Tara and it was making Tara furious with herself.
"I know that even if it were true, you never would say such a terrible thing." Buffy continued, trying to ignore Tara's internal struggle. "I had words with Willow. I know why you really left."
Tara looked up in surprise at the fury in Buffy's voice. She was about to attempt to deny whatever Willow said when Buffy sighed loudly and shook her head.
"I told her she had to go. Preferably somewhere that she could get some help. At the least, she had to get away from the Hellmouth." And me, she silently added. "I don't really know why she fell so far. If it was my fault - or just what was always inside her."
"Not your fault." Tara managed to carefully say the three words, all while actually looking at Buffy. Her relief that Buffy didn't blame her for what happened with Willow was palpable. She hoped this meant she'd be able to have a normal conversation with the slayer now.
"Thank you for saying that, but I don't know. If she never got caught up in slaying…" Buffy frowned and tried to figure out how to get this conversation back on track. She didn't come here to talk about Willow.
Buffy was surprised that Tara had moved to sit next to her on the ground. Her instinct was to move even closer, but she managed to resist. She didn't know why Tara decided to move to the ground, but she knew for certain that it wasn't because she wanted to be closer to her. Even if that made absolutely no sense.
"She would have figured out her magic eventually." Tara offered after a few moments of silence.
Buffy digested that idea and really hoped Tara was right but had a strong suspicion that she wasn't.
"Tara… I…" Buffy hesitated. "I asked to meet with you to see how you were doing."
"I'm fine," Tara said quietly, trying not to let her voice tremble. She was worlds away from fine, but it wasn't Buffy's responsibility to do anything about that. The slayer had more than enough to deal with. The fact that Buffy knew what happened with Willow and didn't blame her - meant everything to Tara.
Buffy chuckled quietly. "I'm the last person you need to lie to about this."
"Really… I'm OK, Buffy. You don't have to worry about me." Tara furrowed her brow as she tried to figure out why the slayer really wanted to talk to her. Then she realized that Willow being gone meant that they no longer had a witch to help fight evil. Tara was no where near the level of witch that Willow was, but she was sure she could still be helpful.
Buffy pushed out a breath. "I can't help but worry about you."
Tara was a little startled by that. She was sure Buffy never thought about her at all.
"I know I haven't given you any reason to think I care about you - but I do. I wish I had been better at letting you know that."
"Buffy… you don't need to worry about me… I'm fine." Tara repeated herself. She still couldn't make sense of what Buffy was trying to do. She didn't think Buffy was the kind of person to say these things if she didn't mean them. "Was there a spell or something that you needed help with?"
"What?" The confusion in Buffy's voice gave Tara pause. The confusion turned to sadness painted on Buffy's face and Tara really wished she hadn't jumped to conclusions about why Buffy wanted to meet with her.
"I just... Willow's gone. I thought you might need..." Tara trailed off as Buffy's frown deepened. It hadn't even occurred to Buffy that sending Willow away meant that she would no longer have access to a witch.
"That's not why I wanted to talk to you today." Buffy pushed out a breath. "I just wanted to see how you were doing."
Tara's heart was breaking for Buffy and she had no idea what to do. "I really am OK." Tara lied for the third time, hoping that this would convince Buffy not to worry about her.
Buffy stood in a huff and rubbed at her face. She was just so tired. So tired of constantly having to lie - constantly having to pretend. Even though everyone knew that she had been in heaven - the pressure to get back to normal hadn't lessened at all. In a lot of ways, it was worse. Now that she revealed her secret, everyone expected her to simply move on. As if it was hiding the truth that she was upset about and not that she was ripped out of heaven and forced back into a world that didn't even want her.
"Well, good. I'm glad that you're fine." She tried not to sound bitter. She would have meant it if she actually believed that Tara was fine. Tara couldn't possibly be, not with what Willow put her through. "Well, I guess I'll go. Please consider talking to Dawn. She really misses you. And know that you are always welcome at the house. I don't know what your living situation is, but you are welcome to return anytime. I made it very clear that Willow was not allowed back at the house under any circumstances."
Buffy held her breath for a few moments, hoping that Tara would say something.
Buffy started to walk away again since it didn't seem like there was any chance that Tara was going to take her up on her offer, but she just barely managed to stop herself. "I don't think I thanked you properly for taking care of Dawn while I… while she didn't have anyone else. So… yeah… thank you." Buffy turned away yet again and took one step before collapsing to her knees.
"Buffy? What's wrong?" Tara was startled enough to move quickly and wrap her arms around Buffy. At the contact, the slayer reacted on instinct. She turned and latched on to Tara, holding her tightly as her body convulsed with tears that she still wouldn't let fall.
"Buffy? Please tell me what's wrong." Tara's heart was breaking for Buffy all over again.
Buffy's face was buried in Tara's shoulder, with her hands gripping Tara's shirt so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.
"It doesn't matter," Buffy said, her voice barely a whisper.
"Is this about Spike?" Tara asked - Buffy's behavior not that far off than when she confessed to that mess of a relationship.
Buffy's sharp intake of breath and slightest of headshakes answered her question.
"Then what is it? Willow?"
Buffy growled a little at that suggestion. But the anger did give her a little confidence to say what she really came here to say. "Do you ever wonder what would have happened if…" Buffy started but couldn't finish the question. There was no answer that wouldn't be devastating. It's not like they could go back.
"If what?" Tara asked breathily, the slayer's body beginning to feel a little too good in her arms.
"If I had met you first," Buffy whispered the words softly against Tara's skin.
Tara blinked, and when she opened her eyes - Buffy was briskly walking away.
Buffy pulled at her Doublemeat Plaza uniform's hideous and scratchy material, briefly wondering what demon was behind creating such a ridiculous fabric. Then she grunted in annoyance that it probably wasn't really a demon, and she wouldn't have an opportunity to deal any damage to the creator.
She slid the key in the lock and sucked in a breath. The TV was on - that meant Dawn was awake, and Buffy would need to try to interact with her.
Putting on her best post-12-hour-shift-in-burger-hell smile, she pushed the door open slowly. Pausing for a moment at the sound of Dawn's voice and then her heart stopped at the voice that responded.
Then she scowled at her outfit with fresh horror. Which turned into berating herself for worrying about how terrible she looked. Tara had no interest in her and never would. Buffy had done such a fine job of ignoring her that there was no way she could convince Tara that she really did care for her.
Not that it mattered. Buffy was no prize. No one in their right mind would want to get close to her. Definitely not the one person she had revealed the truth of how far she had fallen to.
Steeling herself and shaking away her painful thoughts, she poked her head into the living room but didn't enter. She really was glad that Tara was spending time with Dawn and didn't want to do anything to ruin it. "Hey, guys."
Dawn rolled her eyes but didn't bother to return the greeting. The tense relationship had not improved between the sisters. Dawn still blamed Buffy for Tara leaving, and she was there to witness her kicking Willow out. From Dawn's perspective, Buffy had taken her family away. Buffy understood it. She just wasn't sure what to do about it.
She couldn't bring herself to actually look at Tara, who also didn't return her greeting. "I'm just going to get cleaned up and go back out on patrol." Before she finished her sentence, she was already walking upstairs. It didn't matter. Nobody in that room cared about what she was doing anyway.
She took her time showering the burger stench off of herself and changing into her slayer outfit. When she came back downstairs, Tara was no longer on the couch with Dawn. Buffy considered asking her sister where she might have gone, but she had a good idea that Dawn wouldn't have answered.
Buffy went towards the kitchen to get a snack before heading out. Stopping in the doorway when she saw that Tara was already in the kitchen. Her mortification froze her completely as she watched Tara preparing a sandwich.
Her thoughts raced as Tara move around the kitchen, seemingly oblivious to Buffy's presence. Why did she have to say anything that day? There was no reason to say anything. If she hadn't said anything, maybe Tara would be willing to move back into the house. Maybe they could at least be friends.
"I thought you might like a snack before you head out." Tara pushed the plate with the sandwich towards Buffy.
"Oh, um... Thank you." Buffy had no idea what to do, so she slowly crept forward and reached for the plate. She paused for a moment as she realized it was exactly the way she liked it.
"You're welcome," Tara said, suddenly standing much closer than Buffy expected.
By the time Buffy registered how close Tara had gotten, she had already moved away.
"Don't you dare upset Tara and make her leave!" Dawn's screechy voice made Buffy's skin crawl.
"I told you, Dawnie - Buffy had nothing to do with why I left." Tara couldn't even begin to understand why there was so much animosity from Dawn towards Buffy.
Dawn just folded her arms over her chest. "Yeah, right. Next, you're going to tell me that it's not her fault that Willow is gone too?"
Buffy crammed the sandwich into her mouth and bolted out of the kitchen and into the backyard. She had been running as fast as she could for five minutes before she finally stopped.
None of this was fair. She didn't deserve this. She had sacrificed her life to save the world. Why did they bring her back? Nobody wanted her. Nobody needed her. Sure they said they did - but it wasn't true. There were so many other ways they could have responded to Buffy's sacrifice. Why did they have to pick this way?
"Rough night, luv?" Spike appeared from behind her. The stench of his cigarettes assaulting her and making her even more disgusted with herself for letting this thing touch her just because he was the only one who was happy that she was back.
He was the only one who truly seemed to miss her. So she let him do whatever he wanted. She let him punish her for existing while he convinced himself that he loved her.
"God." She hissed at the ridiculous state she was in.
"I can help you feel better." He was right up on her now, one arm wrapped around her waist from behind while he pressed his face to her neck. Her body responded instantly to him, and she hated everything about that.
She was done being this disaster of a person.
Spinning around quickly and shoving him away, she then added a nice uppercut to emphasize her point. "Do not ever touch me again." The punch launched him into the air, and he landed flat on his back several feet away.
"Aw, come now. Don't pretend like you don't love the way I touch you." He bit his lip and thrust his hips at her, and she scowled.
"I mean it, Spike. I am grateful for what you did to help while I wasn't here. But this twisted-up relationship is over."
Buffy walked away, leaving him prone and calling after her. Her first order of business was to see if Tara was still with Dawn. She'd ask her this one last favor of disinviting Spike from her house. Yet another thing that Dawn would hate her for. But she had to do it, for everyone's sake.
Then she'd offer Dawn the choice of trying to get along or moving in with their father. She didn't know if it was even an option, but maybe it would help Dawn believe that she had some control over her life.
When she returned to the house, it was dark and silent. "Damn." She hissed quietly. Maybe Anya would be willing to help. It pained her greatly that her only remaining ally was an ex-demon that she had barely ever spoken to.
"That was a fast patrol." Buffy was again frozen at the doorway of the kitchen. This time Tara was in the living room. Apparently reading a book - Dawn was nowhere to be found.
"Um yeah." Buffy really wished it wasn't so hard to talk to Tara. Before she so stupidly confessed her thoughts, Tara was the easiest person in the world to talk to.
Tara put her book down and observed Buffy struggle. "It's OK."
"What's OK?" Buffy looked up, more than a little surprised that Tara was talking to her.
"What you asked me last week. You didn't upset me." Tara didn't know for sure why Buffy was acting so strangely towards her. Her assumption was that Buffy thought her advances were unwelcomed. She wasn't entirely confident that she had even interpreted what Buffy had asked correctly, though. She needed to be sure of Buffy's feelings before she made any attempt at finding the answer to Buffy's question.
"Oh, no… I didn't think you were upset. Just…" Buffy frowned and decided she didn't want to talk about this. "I'm really glad you're spending time with Dawn. I will do better not to interfere. If you want to give me a heads up when you will be here - I can make sure to stay away."
"Well, that might be a little difficult," Tara said with a small grin.
Buffy wasn't quite sure how to interpret what Tara said, but she was sure she was still upsetting Tara in some way. "Oh, OK… well… goodnight."
"Don't you want to know why it would be difficult?" Tara asked while standing and slowly approaching Buffy.
"I don't know if I want to know," Buffy said, staring down at her feet and feeling utterly ridiculous.
Tara chuckled lightly. This was such a bizarre situation. Tara had never felt like she had the upper hand in any social situation. Though it was a little hard to enjoy herself here since she knew how badly Buffy was hurting. "You offered to let me move in. If that offer is still valid - I would very much like to. Which is why it might be difficult for you to avoid the house when I'm here."
Buffy looked up sharply, "are you serious?"
"I am. Dawn says you moved into…" Then she hesitated - that room was loaded with pain for both of them. "She says your old room is empty now. So would that be OK?"
Buffy smiled the first genuine smile since she had been brought back to life. "Yes, that would be very OK."
"Well, good - since I sort of already put my stuff in there." Tara really hoped that this news would help Buffy relax and they could get to a more comfortable place.
Buffy was finally able to look at Tara, a little surprised that she had taken the initiative to move back in. "Thank you." Buffy wanted to be more effusive, but she didn't want to risk pushing Tara away.
"I really am happy to be back here." Tara was within a few feet of Buffy now.
"And don't worry - I don't expect you to be a babysitter for Dawn," Buffy said quickly, trying to think of anything that might risk Tara's happiness.
"You know I don't mind spending time with her." Tara smiled and took another slow step closer to Buffy.
"I know... But I just mean - you probably want to have your own life." Buffy was very confused by how close Tara was. Believing that Tara wanted to pass into the kitchen, she moved out of the way and retreated a few steps.
"Are you going to keep running away from me?" Tara asked with a small smirk, a friendly gesture that Buffy missed.
"I'm not… I just thought you wanted to get by." Buffy furrowed her brow and looked down at her feet.
"Buffy." Tara pushed out and then shook her head. Maybe this was all too soon, but ever since Buffy had asked the question, Tara couldn't get the idea out of her head. There are so many things that may have happened differently if she had only ever been friends with Willow.
She had absolutely loved Willow and had been certain that they were meant to be together forever. But after recent events, Tara didn't know if she could trust any of her feelings or memories about that relationship.
It had been over a month since they had broken up, and Tara really wanted to heal and move on. The idea that there was even a chance that she could move on with Buffy - she just had to find out for sure.
But she also knew what a wreck Buffy was right now, and she didn't want to take advantage, so she would be patient.
"Oh, maybe this isn't the best time - but I have a favor to ask of you," Buffy said this without taking her eyes off the floor, and Tara huffed a little in annoyance. Even though it was barely audible - of course, Buffy heard it. "Nevermind… I'll figure something else out." Buffy quickly turned away.
Buffy ran up the stairs and shut the door, standing there for a moment before realizing she had gone into the wrong room. She almost yelped when she opened the door, and Tara was standing just outside it.
"Buffy, please stop freaking out," Tara said when the slayer tried to move past her again. "I wasn't upset that you have a favor to ask. This is all just a little weird for me. I'm sorry if I seemed annoyed."
"You have nothing to apologize for," Buffy said, slinking towards her room.
"What is it that you wanted?" Tara tried again to take a step towards Buffy and fought not to frown when she backed away even more quickly.
"Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow," Buffy said quickly before shutting the door in Tara's face.
Tara shook her head and chuckled at the absurd behavior of Buffy. She had a lot of work to do if there was a chance that they might be able to find out the answer to Buffy's question.