Chapter: I'm never gonna let you go.
Disclaimer: I do not owe the song "Don't give up on me" by Andy Grammar.
"I've no problem with you staying here as long as you contribute in betterment of Ryan's health," Tala said to Hilary coldly. It seemed he wanted to say something else too.
"I am determined for him to get better," Hilary said,
"Fine,"
"Look, since Ryan is not well and has been mentally unwell, I've legally taken him under my custody while we were in Florida. So don't think you can take him any time,"
"Oh," Hilary registered the information little slowly, thinking how Tala did that, "Ivanov, I don't object you've done that, but, allow me to treat him full-fledged with care. I'm not gonna take him anywhere" Hilary said calmly with truthfulness.
"You can heed for him. He's in your custody as well from now," Tala gave a firm smile which was more like an order. Hilary sighed inwardly but smiled back thankfully.
Hilary shifted a few of her necessities in one of the rooms and since Kai often visited Tala's apartment, she felt a little safe besides Ryan- being there too.
Hilary did all her best to help Ryan. She dropped her new job after a week which Ashlene arranged for her. She made all efforts for preparing the suitable and fine meals, spending her own savings whenever possible. She gave him medications timely. She spent time talking about his plans and tried knowing his mindset.
She tried to be friendly with everyone and stayed helpful. Much of their work was reduced. Hilary did all the cleaning, all the washing most of the times and took Ryan to morning walks in the silent gardens.
Days passed and Ryan was improving. His detreated health was coming back to normalcy. He began to do his work sometimes and there was a ray of hope.
She still fed him in meal times and deep down she wished if he wouldn't reject her after all what she did and felt for him.
Sometimes, she would just forget everything, the hurt and the probable rejection, and talked cheerfully and cracked jokes. He would laugh back and they would be momentarily happy. And there were few times, when there would be downright accusing and regretful silence with that perturbing expressionless and numb demeanor that it would haunt the aura.
There were hard feelings and unrequited feelings, losing them both.
She wasn't sure if she should leave him abruptly after he gets well or keep the friendship smooth.
What was the use if she was not needed?
"I prepared some chicken soup for you. You like it?" Hilary asked.
"Yeah, thanks,"
She handed him the bowl and he ate it silently. She stared at him occasionally but he concentrated on finishing his soup. Her stares would say everything. Would you turn me back? Would you not accept me? Would you eventually leave me? Still her face would be normal, no signs of happiness or sadness. She could feel the tide coming, and before anything would happen she would excuse herself, wipe her tears outside, smile to herself like everything is perfect and go back to him.
"You okay, Hils?" He asked a little worriedly,
"Yep," Hilary faked smile which he easily deciphered but he wasn't sure if he should urge her to tell him the actual reason.
He finished his soup and kept the bowl aside on the table. Hilary couldn't sit anymore. She silently got up, breathing in slight shakiness in the process, took his bowl and walked away. However Ryan held her hand.
Her eyes widened, however she didn't turn, suddenly noting how his hold was so firm despite his feebleness. A second or two later, she turned and looked at him quietly.
"Are you ignoring me?" he asked with such an effect that it caused her to flinch slightly. She looked down, her lower lip quivering. He looked straight. His eyes were ever so true…
"No," Hilary still was staring at the ground and muttered and shook her head.
He gave the same stare and left her hand abruptly. "Lie."
She slightly gulped but left the room anyways. She could see that silent disappointment on his face before she was entirely gone.
She stood unnerved, lost and light. She sighed as she leaned against the wall.
The dinner was fine and the aura was relaxing. Hilary's mind screeching and bawling was unseen outside as she quietly ate her meal.
It seemed flared up one moment, sighing nostalgically another moment.
"Ryan, you okay?" Tala asked,
"I'm okay. Just feeling little nauseating." Ryan expressed little unhealthily. He could literally feel the giddiness coming. His finger-tips were already tingling from morning and he has taken the doses a little higher for that.
"It's fine. If you're not okay, just leave the meal. Go and lie down," Bryan helped,
Ryan nodded and he sighed sickly. He got up. Hilary noted and she quickly finished off. She gave a look to Tala to which he nodded.
She took an anti-nauseating tablet and handed him to gulp in. He somehow summoned the courage with entirely disapproving look on his face and reluctantly gulped in. He lied down flatly.
"Ryan…" Hilary said worriedly and caressed her palm on his forehead gently. He subsequently closed his eyes with ease.
"Are you still feeling that tachycardia?" Hilary asked. Ryan didn't respond. Hilary thought for a while and went in her room and checked her sparse possession and found her stethoscope. She thought to examine him once.
As she just entered his room, she saw him with fragility. Somehow painful tears flowed from the angles of his closed eyes onto the sides. Hilary hitched mentally envisaging the intensity of pain.
I wish you didn't love me
I wish you didn't care about me at all
'Cause even I don't trust me
So I'ma let you down before you fall
And maybe in another life
We can try this one more time
But right now please don't love me
'Cause I don't deserve you at all
She still sauntered in, placed the bell of stethoscope near his chest and tried listening. That heart beat… It was like 100 beats per minute. She winced slightly but took off the bell. She pulled out N/10 NaCl, normal saline and prepared for giving him. Ryan was aware but he was too frail to give any response. Hilary held his hand, "Tighten it,'' she ordered
He tightened. She could see clear veins on his blanched pale skin. She gently inserted the needle into a vein. Ryan was calm, didn't even wince teensy. Hilary smiled, "You are really a brave guy,"
She injected some anti-depressant into the saline bottle. She stood there involuntarily staring at him for few minutes. "Sleep peacefully," smiling, she left the room.
.
.
.
…"Guys can I come out? Ryan said tiredly, getting bored in the room they'd locked him in since morning, "Tala, please?" He asked, his back squirming against the door,
"Just a minute, Ry, we're almost done!" Bryan said as he quickly placed the cake on the small table, decorated with flowers on it on a lavender cloth.
"Hilary, candles!" Ian whispered. Hilary quickly brought the candles from the kitchen and placed it on the cake, lighting it.
"What are you all doing, by the way?" Ryan asked,
"Nothing, you'll know it in no time!" Tala smirked and placed the four gifts' boxes wrapped in glittered papers on the small chair and closed the lights, while Hilary and Bryan held two balloons, standing at the entrance of the door behind which Ryan was waiting. Tala and Ian opened the door, slowly.
Ryan's eyes widened in surprise and she strode out, Hilary and Bryan bursted the balloons with a prick and Ryan winced away. They laughed, "Happy Birthday Ryan!" They hollered heartily.
"Woah, wow! I forgot! Really," he smiled, still in surprise and astounded as the cake caught his attention which was burning with sparkling candles.
"Thank you so much," he looked at Hilary who smirked.
"It was just a small surprise from us," Ian smiled casually,
"Now cut the cake, idiot!" Bryan pushed him towards the table and Hilary joined.
"Wow, you guys got gifts for me!" Ryan looked at the chair,
"We'll come to that later," Hilary smiled fully and placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him the plastic knife.
"Cut it!" Ian snickered excitedly.
He looked at everyone and his mouth was open, lost at words, staring at them speechlessly. He smiled at them gratefully and cut the cake. The birthday chorus followed and they whistled, Ian being the one angry since he wasn't able to whistle. Hilary giggled.
Ryan gave the first bite of cake to Tala, followed by Bryan, Ian and then Hilary. Hilary held his fingers all that held the cake piece nearing her mouth. She instead took it and let him had the bite first, "May you live longer and healthy," she whispered gently. He smiled sadly, but gave a nod for her, "I'll. Because of you," he said and before she would react, he took the cream and stuffed it on Bryan and Tala's cheeks playfully.
Hilary flinched at the scene, "Not me, guys!" She ran away. The boys grabbed Ryan and creamed him on cheeks and hair slightly, they all laughing out their hearts out and clicking comical pictures of them. Hilary smiled from afar. Ryan looked at her and smirked.
"No no! NO! Ryan not me!" she said horrifically and stepped back but he was already running and Ian laughed, "Don't spare her, Ry!"
"He won't!" Tala chuckled.
Ryan caught her and clasped her hands in his firmly and didn't give a chance to escape and creamed her on her cheeks. Hilary closed her eyes defeatedly. "Are you done? Happy?" She laughed.
"So happy," he smirked and they looked in mirror and laughed at how they looked,
"We're sweet, because of cream!" Ryan gave a laugh.
"Yea..." Hilary washed her face,
"Guys, let's show the gifts now!" Bryan said.
Ryan and Hilary walked to them and he took the gifts slowly. Tala gave him a pair of sports shoes, Ian gave a new pair of earphones to him, Tala gave a wrist watch, and Hilary gave him his favorite perfume.
"These gifts are all gorgeous!" Ryan said and his eyes shone in happiness.
"Uh," Hilary took out a packet, "Here is something." She handed it to Ryan.
He took it and took out the one possession that he had, his diary.
"Delia gave me, said she'd found it in your room in hostel. I haven't read it, promise!" Hilary didn't lie though. Ryan looked at the diary and stared at it.
"I really didn't-" Hilary said and fidgeted.
"I know," Ryan said, "Thanks,"
"Let's get the dinner now!" Ian said,
"I'll get it," Tala and Bryan got the dinner set in dining table.
"Hey, just get well, after that, I'll give you all the instrumentals to play!" Hilary winked at him,
"Ryan knows it?" Bryan asked,
"He does," Hilary smiled, "He got the prize in 1st year for that!" She rubbed her hands in excitement. Ryan flushed, "Ah, leave it,"
"I'm gonna buy a guitar for you then," Tala said,
"Why didn't you say me before Hilary? I'd have bought it!" Tala frowned,
"Aha, I forgot," she said,
"Here, get to the dinner!"
They glomped at the table and ate quickly within no time, Ryan being the slowest.
"You're improving, very good," Bryan commented. Ryan nodded.
The dinner was over and everyone went to their rooms, Tala, Bryan sharing one, Hilary and Ian along with Ryan sharing other, but they usually gave Ryan space in the room so not to suffocate him.
Presently, Hilary was with Ryan, folding clothes and washed covers.
"The surprise was nice." He said, lying on the bed, spreading his arms and legs.
"Glad that you liked," Hilary said. He'd kept the diary in a small suite Tala gave him before. Ryan didn't forget Kai's present still lying in his bag and saw it secretly shortly.
"Is that Diary personal?" Hilary asked cautiously. Ryan glanced at her, she was still working "Diaries ARE personal. Be it anyone's," Ryan said calmly.
"Yeah, you're right," she said slowly and kept folding more clothes. He was softly staring at her, and the way she was working. It went interesting, the stare.
"Why did you leave the job?" He asked,
"I'll join soon as you get well, don't worry," she said looking at him, smiling halfly.
"Was it because of me?" He frowned,
"Not precisely, I couldn't handle both-"
"So you left it for me?" He cut her coolly,
"Yeah Ryan," she sighed,
"Phew," he sat up and bowed to stare at his lap and sighed jadedly, "Sleep, you're tired. Took HCQ?" She asked,
"Yeah I did," he said, not looking at her still, blinking in his fuzzy thoughts.
"You'll get well, soon. You'll be healthy again," she said to him and kept a hand on his shoulder. He blinked to notice that she was standing beside him, by the bed. She smiled,
"Hope so," he said and nodded, "And what if I don't improve? How long will you postpone the job?"
"But you're already improved a lot. And why are you determined to send me to job? What if I don't want to do it?" She said satisfactorily.
"How long will you be by my side? Aren't you tired?" He asked with a sweat smile.
"Not yet, and I'm not planning to get tired soon. Not at least in this life," she laughed and sat beside him.
"Oh good," he rolled his eyes. "I thought you'd read the diary actually," he said,
"I didn't, I told you," she said little furiously, "Trust me, will you?"
"I do." He said, and gave a quick nod,
She nodded, "Well then, get some sleep, I'll j-just, get fresh," she said,
"Just stay more, a little more," he said holding her hand, little lazily.
She simpered lightly and fell on the bed, "What is it? You wanna say something?" She asked, looking at him admirably. He lied beside her.
He didn't say anything, just stared at her simply, with that almost grin, "I was just thinking about our college life," he smiled nostalgically. They were lying now close beside each other, staring for words and reminiscing the old times.
"I remember that first day at M Hall and your awesome instrumentals!" She smiled laughingly.
"I remember our dates," he laughed. She giggled as well.
"All times were good Ryan, I've them all, but the biggest happiness was when God gave me YOU back." She stared earnestly in his eyes, her throat wobbling, "As if you came after death to me because you've no idea how much I missed you, how much I cried and felt so excruciating." She said looking in his eyes and smiling sadly and in gratefulness.
"Hey..." he said worriedly and held her hand, "I promised I would be by your side, remember?" He smiled, "I'm here for you,"
She nodded earnestly and wiped her eyes, "I'll not leave you too, just in case you doubt me," she laughed through the broken tone,
"I know," Ryan nodded, "I've always liked you," he smiled,
Hilary wanted to say something, her grip of their interlocked hands loosened and he took the cue to free it. She rather held his fingers closed in her palm which he allowed for her, not minding. She gulped in and courageously started with stutters,
"R-Ryan, I-I don't need an answer to this right now but, I will tell you," she paused and her open mouth felt dry. She looked anywhere but not his eyes, "I love you." She gave a pause, "You don't need to answer right now, but I do love you, and it's not just as a friend, I love you as a guy." She squeezed his fingers and closed her eyes tight, feeling wild tears storming out.
He gently pulled her towards him and soothingly caressed her head, "I know," He said,
'Just give me some time. I'm not sure Hilary, if I will be able to live or not, so I'm not replying to your confession because you'll end up hurt if I died again telling you that I loved you.'
"Let's sleep now, it's too late," he pulled her and held her face in his hands, "Just give me sometime." He said in a helpless and imploring tone, wishing she could understand him.
She understood what he meant, she nodded, "I'll. I'll. I know all that corticosteroids and how they make your body go stupid with weakness, mood swings and shit." She said angrily thinking about why this tablets had to be taken. "I remember everything." She said and got up, he slowly followed,
"I can't forget that day when you said me the other day that you'd lupus and the next thing after my huge shock was seeing you trying to walk and you terribly had your arms and legs crumbled, loosing your balance and gasping for air." She expressed her worst memories. Ryan remembered it as well. He was thankful right now that he was better now than that. He remembered how he crumbled and felt like his energy levels were zero, the steroids made him weak with wrong overdose. Hilary later almost slapped the doctor, thanks to Delia who stopped her. He was bed sick, depressed, becoming pessimistic and loosing all his health.
"I'm not leaving anytime, Ryan. Just get that in your head," she said sharply in determination. He nodded and softly caressed her cheek, removing the interrupting hair tresses,
Hilary remembered something, "Ah, I remember something," she almost flushed. "A few months back, in your remembrance, I sang a song for you. I've it recorded. Wanna listen?" She asked,
He almost smirked, "Of course Hilary!" His eyes shone, "Show me that right away!"
She chuckled and gave him the earphones and forwarded the audio to him. He plugged the phone and listened to it. His eyes stared at her as he listened and an intuitive handsome simper made it's way on his lips.
"Who played the instrumental?" He asked,
"It was from YouTube," she said,
He removed the earphones even before the audio wasn't half done,
"Hey, didn't like it?" Hilary frowned,
"No no," he said in excitement, "I loved it, you're GOING to sing this right now for me, Hils!" He demanded, with hope and earnest.
"What? now?" She quickly looked around.
"Yes! Right now! For me," he said holding her hands. He got up quickly and closed the door, "Is it fine?" He asked. She sighed and looked at him and nodded. She played the instrumental on her phone,
He took a seat on the chair, and she sat on the opposite one,
"I will fight,
I will fight for you" she serenaded softly,
"I always do until my heart
Is black and blue" she smiled heartily at him.
"And I will stay
I will stay with you
We'll make it to the other side
Like lovers do," she smirked and reached out for his hands,
"I'll reach my hands out in the dark
And wait for yours to interlock" she interlocked and closed her fingers,
"I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you" she mellifluously serenaded and in softness.
"'Cause I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not yet," she sung urgently and his response was interlocking his fingers closed with hers, giving a nod,
"Even when I'm down to my last breath
Even when they say there's nothin' left
So don't give up on" her voice gasped a little as she sung deeply,
"I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me," she wobbled her chin and sung softly, giving a smile
"Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me" she sung meaningfully and sighed in relief that she was finished and took their interlocked hands, causing him to be pulled and he had to get closer.
"I mean every word I sung," she said slowly. He gently kissed her forehead, standing in proximity, "I'm not giving up. I'll try to be healthy again, just for you," he said in new determination.
She gave a tiny smile and tightened her grip at the interlock. At least the song got him motivated and optimistic.
.
.
.
A few days passed and she felt that she was no longer actually needed though no one objected her for staying but Ryan was capable of doing all his work and he was looking for place to live in and shift from here.
The Russian didn't object and was fine with Ryan's decision of moving away. Ryan was looking for some job and even though he ardently needed his internship to be done, and give his forth Year exams. He needed to go to Florida first from here, and make an appeal to Dean. Hilary understood the situation immediately and she tried thinking something.
She thought of taking some help from the blunette but he was busy in his marriage preps. She didn't want to burden him right now but she had no choice. So she finally asked him. Tyson was open enough to help and he lent a large amount enough for going to Florida and completing his internship easily.
Everything went fine but the big question was if Ryan would accept the help or not. Hilary was scared to ask him but she eventually did after thinking for few days.
"I didn't ask you for this. I can't take this." He said in sigh,
"Then you tell me. What are friends for? To watch you helplessly striving, after being succumbed to death. Is that friends are for?" Hilary scolded,
"B-But,"
"No Buts, you take this. If you don't want a favor, you can return him later. He's not doing any favor. He's glad he is able to help you." Hilary said trying to console Ryan's mindset,
"Hmm,"
"And yeah, we have party tomorrow. You're coming,"
"What party?"
"Ty's wedding," Hilary smirked,
"Oh yeah. I remember now," He sighed delicately,
"Have to go church in morning and then party in night, and no objections, you're coming!" She warned.
"Hilary," Ryan laughed dryly, "I don't even have proper clothes for party,"
"Who said you don't have? I've already done shopping for you," She pulled out few covers under the table and showed him a tuxedo.
"God, you are so stubborn," he laughed and smiled,
"Damn, you will look good!" she smirked.
"Hilary…" Ryan said tiredly, "I don't even have proper shoes, and I can't-"
"Uh one second," Hilary took out another pack and showed him a new shoe box. "Your perfect size and length and everything for this shoe. Now everything fine?" Hilary said,
"Well,"
Then there was silence. She looked away simply and pretended to yawn, "Fine, have sound sleep. See you," she got up.
"I will move Florida next week," Ryan abruptly mentioned,
Hilary stopped and blinked. She asked without turning, "Next week?"
"Tala arranged ticket for me. I will be staying in his old house. It's far from the College but I will manage. I will use his old bike." Ryan said,
"The house where they kept you initially after you're found and then later-"Hilary defined,
"Later they brought me to Tokyo for better treatment," Ryan completed,
"Oh," Hilary turned to face him and thought for a moment.
"Hilary… When I was in hospital last time, with you, how did you manage my expenses?" Ryan asked softly. Hilary was quiet. "I have been meaning to ask you since few days,"
"We had stipends those years. I requested the Dean to deduct my stipend funds for your expenses." Hilary shrugged. Ryan was stunned. He looked stupefied.
"A-Are you serious?" Ryan shook his head,
"No biggie! I still couldn't save you," Hilary said,
"Hey, it's okay," Ryan said in slight guilt,
"I know this year, there are strikes going on but still, this batch won't be getting any stipends. I'm sorry for you," Hilary said sadly,
"I know," Ryan said,
"Tyson has transferred some cash in your account. Check it whenever you can and don't worry, I will be coming with you along," Hilary declared,
"WHAT? Why?" Ryan asked, trying to protest.
"I can't leave you alone. I will stay with you. I anyway was doing some job here; I will find another there in Florida, might be in our Hospital. Why not, Ryan?" Hilary smiled,
"You don't have to come there and spend for me." Ryan declared firmly but in slow tone,
"I'm coming whether you like it or not." Hilary replied stubbornly and sweetly,
"Hilary, you've come here, settled here, have your family, friends and everyone. You don't have to suffer. I will live finely, don't worry." Ryan sighed,
"I wouldn't have been worried but you're among the one you so mentioned as 'friends' and you're weak no matter how strong you put the façade. I can't afford to lose you again even if it means…" she paused and neglected her own words, "Anyway, I'm coming,"
"Even if it means?" Ryan asked, raising an eyebrow tenderly.
"Nothing," Hilary shrugged in silent accusing tone. "Get some sleep, we have to go for walk in the morning," Hilary turned and walked out.
Ryan wondered what she really wanted to say about it. There was something.
A/N: Hello guys, thanks to everyone who reviewed previously. ^_^I hope you liked the bitter sweet moments of Ryan/Hil. :) Who do you think will ever confess first? How would it happen? Any idea? Tell in reviews. Hopefully the next chapter will be around in the same month. You all are invited to Tyson/Ashlene's wedding in next chapter, do come with gifts! xD
Till then, stay tuned for the next chap! ^_~
~Simy.