Re:Zero FF Beatrice Heart Crossing

Chapter 11: The Girl Who Wanted Nothing

From inside the large tent a cat girl was crouched at the door with it pulled open slightly so she could get a good look at the development outside. Niki's tail swayed in the air as she continued her spying operation. The moment was interrupted by scolding from Adella.

Adella: "You ought to give them their privacy."

Niki: "Don't lie! Yer curious too, ya were just over here doin' the same!"

Adella blushed slightly at the accusation before continuing.

Adela: "Don't slander the position of head maid!"

Niki: "Yeah, yeah...Oh! They fell backwards, now they're laying together."

Adella: "Huh!? Move over!"

Adella scrambled over to Niki and peered out of the opening.

Adella: "So it's true, Lady Beatrice has surpassed her mentor in the art of romance!"

Niki: "Really? I think she was just clumsy and fell?"

Adella: "You have no appreciation for real art."

Niki: "Whatever, like ya know any-Ahh! They're smoochin'! Smoochin'!"

Adella: "Huh!?"

The girls moved over to get a better look before immediately shutting the door and blushing. They felt that they saw something that they weren't meant to see. They stumbled back to their futons, taking special care to not wake the children. As they laid in bed getting their breathing under control, Niki whispered an inquiry to Adella.

Niki: "Adella...Does this mean they are together now? Did we do it!"

Adella: "I'm afraid we can't confirm that. If I know Master Subaru, the hard part is actually about to start."

Niki: "Huh, whaddya mean?"

Adella: "You'll see tomorrow. Let's try to get some sleep."

So the head maid and the cat girl laid quietly in bed with their imaginations stirring until they slowly drifted off to sleep.

The rest of the night was a blur for Beatrice. She had used all her energy in her confession and practically fell asleep in Subaru's arms afterward. Subaru had carried her back to the tent before laying down next to her. The memories were foggy but she knew she was happy. Her endorphins swirled in her mind as she drifted off to sleep and began to dream.

Beatrice opened her eyes and was surrounded by a verdant forest in an open grassland. A warm breeze danced across the tall grass giving it the appearance of dancing. Against the backdrop of trees sat a large stone building that looked like it could have been a temple. It had large stone steps leading up to the entrance and immediately Beatrice recognized this place as Sanctuary. Her blood went cold as she remembered she had seen this scene before. Suddenly, she levitated into the air and looked down to see that she was still standing below. How was this possible? Beatrice was below and she was an observer so this had to be a dream, she thought. Her question was soon answered as a familiar character stepped into the scene next to Beatrice. She recognized the woman as her mother, Echidna. This was the day that Beatrice was sent to the library. As she observed her other self being told the horrible news, Beatrice tried to yell but could not be heard. Her other self nodded in agreement with the assignment and walked away dejected. All of a sudden, the observing Beatrice floated higher into the sky and the scene disappeared into the shadows.

?: "Why are you yelling? You didn't want to stop it then."

A voice spoke from the shadows. Beatrice remembered the voice from her nightmare before.

Beatrice: "Who are you, in fact?"

Voice: "That doesn't matter. You didn't try to stay with your mother then, did you?"

Beatrice: "N-no, I did want to stay…"

Voice: "Lies. You don't want anything. You've never wanted anything."

Before Beatrice could respond, another scene came into view. This time Echidna sat in a room reminiscent of her lab in Sanctuary, but Beatrice did not recognize it. Different magical devices covered the dusty walls which seemed to have not been used in years. A large wooden desk sat in the room with a floating crystal in the center. Echidna sat in an old wooden chair in front of the crystal. The witch seemed to be manipulating mana into the crystal and muttering to herself. Beatrice floated over her shoulder and looked into the crystal. She was shocked to see herself looking back. This must have been when she was being created. How could it be? She wasn't there for this event so it had to be a figment of her imagination. As she pondered this, the crystal began to crack. The sound echoed out as shards flew across the room filling it with a blinding light. Beatrice recoiled from the explosion as her vision went white. As the light dissipated, she found herself back in the shadows.

Voice: "See? Everything has always been chosen for you. Even down to your appearance and tastes. You aren't really a person, just a spirit crafted by your mother for her amusement. Anything you tell yourself otherwise is a lie."

Beatrice: "NO! I am Beatrice. I choose what I like, in fact."

Voice: "Really? Then why did you never change your appearance before?"

Beatrice: "Betty couldn't… only in the world I created can I change my appearance, I suppose."

Voice: "More lies. You can't change it because your mother picked it out for you. Do you think you know better than her? Don't you love your own mother?"

Beatrice: "I-I don't… Why are you asking such things, in fact?"

Voice: "Answer the question. Do you love your mother or not?"

Beatrice: "I-I...of course I love mother… she created me, I suppose. Yet, she… left Betty alone for so long, in fact. I-I can't…"

Voice: "You can't what? Spit it out. See how indecisive you are? You need to have things chosen for you. You are a bad spirit. Your mother knew, that's why she put you in that library. To punish you for forsaking her. You think you can just leave? You didn't even choose to leave. That boy did it for you. See? You can't expect to change anything because you don't want anything."

Beatrice: "That's not true! Mother chose to abandon me, in fact! So I chose to abandon her too!"

Voice: "How petty." Lashing out in anger...what a bad spirit you are. Guess it's time for you to go back to the library!"

Beatrice felt herself being pulled into the shadows and lost consciousness. When she opened her eyes she was back in her own body. She looked around at the shelves of old books and knew she was indeed back in the library. Beatrice sat on her knees helplessly and tears began to run down her face. What was all this for? Did she really not have anything that she wanted? Maybe her mother was right and did know what was best for her. Beatrice slammed her small fist on the ground as she yelled at the shadows.

Beatrice: "Or maybe it's all NONSENSE!"

In a fit of rage, Beatrice fired off blast after blast of wind mana. Papers circled her as they were torn from books and fluttered helplessly to the floor. She screamed until her lungs hurt and demolished every piece of her prison until there was nothing left standing. She put one foot beneath her and pushed off the ground into a standing position. Brittle as her constitution seemed, she pushed forward towards the exit. Her gate crossing wasn't active and she had no idea where this door would lead, but she knew she had to go. She had something she wanted, more than anything in the world and she knew he was waiting for her. Beatrice reached out and touched the door handle before the familiar voice echoed out again.

Voice: "That was quite a tantrum. Those were your mother's cherished books, you know?"

Beatrice turned to face the voice and yelled out with her remaining strength.

Beatrice: "Why don't you show yourself! If you know so much, I suppose. Then come out, in fact!"

Voice: "I've been here the whole time. You just choose not to see me,"

Beatrice was shaken by the declaration. She tried to focus her gaze and look for the voice. All of a sudden the papers swirled on the floor and a shadowy figure stepped out to face Beatrice. She gasped as she looked at the owner of the voice. To her horror, it was another Beatrice cloaked in shadow wearing the same dress she always wore. She hesitated and stared at her shadow self.

Voice: "Surprised, I suppose? The one who knows all of Betty's shame is Betty herself, in fact."

Beatrice: "W-why?"

Voice: "You can't just leave everything behind, in fact. What makes you think you can just leave, I suppose?"

Beatrice: "Because there is something I want, in fact! I want Subaru! I...love him! I want to be with him. I want to go on dates. I want to sleep next to him. I want to kiss his stupid face! I can't leave everything behind, I suppose. But with him, I can start to move forward. He's strong enough to help me when I need it."

Voice: "What if he rejects you, I suppose?"

Beatrice: "That doesn't matter, in fact. Even if he doesn't love me, he won't ever turn his back on me, and because of that I've learned to be stronger. Stronger than you, even stronger than mother! You can't keep me here!"

Voice: "So that's your choice? Not bad for a first one, I suppose. Just remember, I'll be there when you stumble, waiting to bring you back here, in fact."

Beatrice: "That's fine with me, I suppose. This place is part of Betty, in fact. You are a part of Betty."

Voice: "So I am, I suppose. Let's hope you made the right choice, in fact."

Beatrice: "I did."

Beatrice flashed her shadow self a determined smile as she turned to push the door to the library open. As the door creaked open, a bright golden light enveloped Beatrice as she walked through. Her consciousness faded as she was carried away by the warm rays of light.

Sunlight peeked through the door of the tent and splashed across Beatrice's face. She slowly opened her eyes and saw that the door of the tent was gently blowing in the breeze. Sitting up in the futon, she noticed that something wasn't right. Rather the lack of a certain someone. Beatrice looked beside her, but Subaru was gone.

Earlier that night…

Subaru tossed and turned as he slept next to Beatrice. Each of her small breaths tickled his chin and made his heartache stronger. After sleeping some, the sun emerged over the horizon, and Subaru with it. He quietly put on a black tracksuit and exited the tent. He walked the trail back towards the foot of the mountain and took in the early morning scenery. A light breeze blew across the mountain bringing a small chill as a precursor to the warm sun that had just awakened. Light punctured through sparse spots in the treeline as he kicked a small rock down the dirt trail. What was he doing? Beatrice was going to be upset if she woke up without him, but he couldn't stay. Not after he failed to answer her feelings like a coward. The girl was so exhausted after kissing him that he took her to bed. Yet, everytime she would mutter his name or hug him tighter in the futon, his guilt would multiply. Before long, he had traveled the trail and came upon the river that ran from the lake. Subaru took a seat at the water's edge and rested his chin on his knees. Why was this so hard? When Rem had confessed, he was able to reject her honestly. What was different about this time? As he wracked his brain for answers, he heard a soft thud as someone took a seat next to him.

Subaru: "Beako?"

?: "Not quite, Master Subaru."

Subaru glanced over and saw that it wasn't Beatrice, but Adella that had followed him down the mountain. He met the head maid's gaze with his own, but was surprised to see that her eyes had not a look of anger, but one of concern.

Subaru: "I really messed this up, huh?"

Adella: "Not true. I promised you I would be here for you to lean on in situations like this. It appears that you have an actual problem of the heart on your hands. I'm here to listen and not to smack you this time. Yet, if you try to bad mouth Lady Beatrice, I make no promises."

Subaru: "That lesson was already learned. Thoroughly."

Adella: "Good. So what has you in knots this time? It's obviously something you don't want to talk to Lady Beatrice about."

Subaru: "It's just… she kissed me…"

Adella: "So you didn't kiss her back?"

Subaru: "No, I did."

Adella: "That didn't feel nice?"

Subaru: "No, it did. It felt...like...for a second I had a spot pinned in this world. Like, for that instant, I belonged and I felt safe, protected. Afterwards, it felt terrible though. I promised Emilia that I loved her and this felt like a betrayal."

Adella: "I see. Can I ask you a question about Emilia?"

Subaru: "Yeah, go ahead."

Adella: "Did she return your love?"

Subaru: "Not yet… but I already promised her my heart!"

Adella: "Then why feel guilty?"

Subaru: "Huh? Cause I'm a dirty cheater!"

Adella: "No, no, I mean if you promised her your heart then why are you feeling guilty? Unless…"

Subaru: "Erk?! Unless… Beatrice has my heart too…"

Subaru drooped his head in realization. His heart had been screaming this at him and he had been trying to avoid the subject through denial. Was it possible that he also felt for Beatrice what he did for Emilia? The event of the last several weeks played through his head as he remembered how he felt when Beatrice smiled and how he fought to expel her fears and avoid seeing her cry again. Each memory cut through his heart like a knife. Adella stopped the onslaught by interjecting.

Adella: "Master Subaru… Have you perhaps been using Miss Emilia as a shield to avoid addressing Lady Beatrice's feelings? That does not do right by either girl as they are not something to be earned or used. What truly matters is your heart and what it is telling you. Are you able to listen?"

Subaru: "I don't know… I've chased Emilia like a puppy dog for so long. I never stopped to consider any other options. My heart was decided."

Adella: "Was?"

Subaru: "Yes… I can't say I don't feel something for Beako. I just don't know what that is."

Subaru's heart wrenched in pain as he spoke. It was true that he had followed Emilia though death after death in an act that some would consider crazy. His love went unrequited and yet he continued to push forward. Yet, with Beatrice he had come to understand her and see her personality grow now that her shackles were removed. They had built a world together along with a mutual understanding. Was it really okay to accept that? That was the question slowly pushing forward in his brain.

Adella: "Do you love her?"

Subaru: "..."

Adella: "I guess no answer is it's own answer."

Subaru: "Is it okay if I do?"

Adella: "My permission means nothing. It's your heart. Lady Beatrice put in a lot of effort to open hers. You have to do the same. What is your heart saying? Listen."

Subaru took a deep breath and looked inward. He thought of the awkwardness that had been happening lately and how his heart raced whenever he got close to Beatrice. He thought of her smile and the softness of her hands. He never felt alone when she was near and he nearly lost his heart when she was injured. He would have given anything to save her. Would he give anything now?

"Yes"

The words floated up from within him as if they were obvious truths. Of course he would give anything to save Beatrice. He promised as much already. Subaru's heart had been filled with pain and doubt while in the small spot that remained, he had placed Emilia. Beatrice, however, had barged in and slowly chipped away at his insecurity and fear, creating her own place in his heart. She had given him stability for the first time since leaving home and in effect freed him as well. For these reasons and more the words came through from his heart as he spoke them out loud to Adella.

Subaru: "I love Beako."

Adella: "Are you certain about that? You seemed unsure before."

Subaru: "I've never been more sure. My heart told me so."

Adella: "Why don't you be with her? I think you know by now that her intention is to be a couple with you. She understands that it will be an exclusive relationship. So if you have anyone else in your heart, I'm afraid I can't let you move forward with her."

Subaru: "I can't promise that."

Adella: "Well then I ca-"

Subaru cut Adella off with a look of determination in his eyes.

Subaru: "I'll always have my friends in my heart. I'll always have Emilia and Rem, too. But... I can't deny that Beako has made her own space in my heart. It's loud and a nuisance that gets angry too easily, but it's also cute, strong, and... something I can no longer go on without. That's why... I want to stay here with Beako. If that's not good enough for you, then you'll have to smack me a whole lot because I choose Beako and no one will keep me from her!"

Silence fell over the two as Adella considered Subaru's words. To his surprise, Adella did not appear angry as she stifled a giggle before continuing.

Adella: "Pffft! Haha! Yo-you s-said that with a s-straight face! Haha! I think I read that exact line in a romance novel, but it sounds so corny in real life!"

Subaru made a quizzical face as this was not the reaction he had expected. He stared at Adella as she laughed at him without restraint. After a few minutes, she seemed to tire herself out and spoke to Subaru.

Adella: "Well… that was something. Still hard to believe that you abandoned the poor girl back at the campsite after a declaration like that."

Subaru: "Grr… I know, I know...I'm stupid…"

Adella: "Well, what are you waiting for? Run to her, Master Stupid!"

Subaru: "Erk!? Yeah! I'm coming for you, Beako!"

Subaru was startled by Adella yelling, but nonetheless he jumped to his feet and started to make a mad dash up the trail. However, he was stopped in his tracks by a small but angry voice. Subaru looked up the trail and saw Beatrice standing with her arms crossed and a look of rage on her face.

Beatrice: "That won't be necessary, I suppose! I am right here, in fact!"

Chapter 11 End