A/N: For those waiting for Lil'Bit, I am working on it I am just slow as shit. Y'all know me. I am an on-fire garbage bin.
Episode #05:
Black Hole
"Swift is the arrow, dark is the thorn, the slate is clean, the future awaits, awake." –Patti Smith
The room was filled with warmth and laughter. It felt like a family gathering, one where everyone was happy to see everyone and nobody ever wanted to leave. Two long tables had been shoved together to make a large square one that everyone could sit at. The table itself was covered in dirty plates that once held spaghetti along with various glasses of water and wine.
Another round of laughter filled the air, and my cheeks ached from smiling. To my right was Andrea and to my left was T-Dog. Both of them, like nearly everyone else in the room, and a glass of red wine in hand. Glenn was still sitting on the countertop a foot behind me, and last I checked he was holding the entire bottle of merlot.
Across the table from me was the Grimes family while Shane, Jacqui, and Jenner sat on the side to the right of me and Dale, Carol, and Sophia sat on the left. My eyes darted to Daryl who still stood behind T-Dog, leaning against the counter drinking straight from a dark green bottle. Whatever he had was definitely not wine.
With slow movements, I reached forward and picked up the empty wine glass sitting in front of me. My mind had drifted away a few minutes ago, and now the conversation had fallen away from me. I traced the rim of the glass with my index finger.
Alcohol?
Alcohol.
There was something about the thought of the addictive poison that made me feel almost reminiscent. Not that had I had any past memories to reminisce on. Still, my mind could picture a plethora of shady, rundown bars. I could picture a variety of random, empty bottles stacked on a circular table in a dimly lit kitchen next to a stack of old books. I could picture a red cooler of lukewarm beers sitting on the hood of an old, black muscle car.
The images were like wisps in my mind. They left as soon as they came, but the images left a feeling of joy in my chest.
'Cheers to another day of not dying.'
The involuntary thought spoken with the same unfamiliar voice I've been hearing every so often murmured at the back of my mind. My eyebrows scrunched at the phrase, but my train of thought was derailed by a voice next to me.
"Need a refill?" My head snapped toward T-Dog to see him nodding toward my glass with a bottle in hand.
Glenn laughed loudly behind me, "R-Refill? She hasn't had a glass yet though. Right, Tori?"
His slurred words gave away the fact that my newly found friend was completely and totally drunk off his ass. I smirked, but before I could turn around to glance at him I noticed all eyes started to dart toward me.
"What is it, doc? You don't drink?" Daryl questioned with a chuckle, and my lips twisted at the nickname. I wasn't a fan.
I shrugged nonchalantly, "It's funny you should ask." I grinned, "I think I may have been an alcoholic."
The table burst into a round of laughter and my smile grew a little larger at the merriment. I honestly wasn't sure if they laughed because what I said had actually been funny, or if all of them were as drunk as poor Glenn.
"You?" Andrea questioned and laughed again with a shake of her head, "No way. I don't see it."
"Why not?" I argued and the only response I got was more laughter. This time I began to chuckle along with them. It couldn't be helped. The atmosphere around me was just too warm and inviting. Their laughter was contagious. For the first time since I woke up on the side of the road, I felt at peace.
Daryl stepped over and scooped up the wine bottle T-Dog had set down, "Come on." He motioned for me to lift my glass and I did without much fight, "Drink up."
I rocked the glass back and forth some watching the red liquid climb up the edges. Gazes were still on me so I looked around with a mocking stare, "If this is me falling off the wagon, I'm blaming all of you." Quickly, I brought the glass to my lips and downed a little. The taste was familiar on my tongue, and I couldn't resist taking a larger sip. After bringing the glass away from my lips I nodded, "Yeah. I'm definitely an alcoholic."
Another wave of raucous laughter washed over the room and I bathed in its joy and warmth. As the conversation moved on, I took another long sip. The bitterness of the red wine was familiar, and though I could tell that it wasn't a favorite drink of mine, I downed it and welcomed the warmth anyways. Daryl filled the glass up again without me having to ask. His gaze caught mine briefly and he nodded once. The ghost of a smirk playing on his lips.
"You know, in Italy…" Dale held his hand up with a wide grin, another wine bottle held in his other hand. His eyes were focused on Lori and Carl, "Children have a little wine with dinner."
Carl's face, much like Sofia's, was drawn in happiness and glee as they sat at the table with the adults laughing alongside them at jokes that probably went over their head to some degree. Carl's gaze widened at Dale's word and he looked to his mother pleadingly.
"Well", Lori light heartedly scoffed with a small smile, "When Carl is in Italy he can have some then."
The table disagreed as everyone seemed to chime in with their own opinion. Carl looked over the moon at the fact that other adults had joined his side. Rick, who was sitting on the other side of Carl with his hand resting on the back of his son's chair, gave his wife a sloppy grin, "What's it gonna hurt? Come on."
Lori chuckled, her gaze lingering on Rick's features, before she shrugged and gave in. Carl bounced in his seat as Dale grabbed an empty glass and poured a sip into it. He offered it to the boy, "There you are, young lad."
Carl quickly took the cup and the entire room grew silent as they watched him take a sip. The moment the red liquid touched his lips, Carl recoiled and set the glass down with a disgusted look, "Ew!"
I joined in with the laughter as Carl used his forearm to rub the taste away from his mouth. Lori kissed her son's temple before pouring the remainder of what was in his glass into her own.
"Stick to soda pop there, bud." Shane drawled as I finished my glass again. T-Dog was the one quick to refill my glass this time, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from Shane. Unlike the rest of the group who were drunk off wine and the safety of this shelter, Shane had a look of agitation drawn on his face. He was angry, bitter, and I for the life of me couldn't figure out why.
"Not you, Glenn!" Daryl called out. He had circled around the table so now I could see him across from me. Glenn, who sat on the counter behind me, faltered at being called out. I glanced back to see a goofy grin on his face that seemed to match the pink glow along his cheeks.
"Huh?"
"Keep drinking, little man." Daryl motioned toward the bottle in Glenn's hand and jokingly continued, "I wanna see how red your face can get."
Glenn blushed sheepishly, which only added to the tint on his face, while the others including myself laughed. Rick took this moment to raise his glass and thank Jenner for his hospitality. I lifted my own glass to join in the cheer of 'Hear, Hear!' and 'Boo-yahs!', but my eyes drifted back to Shane who held his glass up but looked angrier than before.
He set his glass down roughly, his jaw clenching and unclenching. Shane cleared his throat, "So when are you gonna tell us what the hell happened here, doc?"
The mood snapped from joyful to somber at his words. Everyone had grown silent and smiles had turned to disappointment as reality shoved it's ugly head back into the forefront of everyone's mind. My hand tightened around the stem of my glass and I resisted the urge to throw back the rest of it in one quick gulp.
"All the other doctors that are supposed to be figuring out what happened. Where are they?"
"We're celebrating, Shane." Rick shook his head, his voice was nearly a growl, "Don't need to do this now."
Shane leaned back in his seat, but still the move somehow came off as a threat, "Whoa, wait a second. That's why we're here right? This was your move. Supposed to find all the answers and instead we uh—we find him." He motioned to Jenner who was staring at the table rather than anyone around him, "We found one man. Why?"
Like Shane, I did want to know. I wanted to hear and find out what had happened at the CDC, but not tonight. I, like many it seemed, had been more than content with pretending like nothing was wrong tonight. All I wanted to do was joke and drink and act like the world outside wasn't dead. Like I wasn't missing the memory of who I used to be, but that wasn't going to happen now. Shane had already shaken up that can and cracked the top. There was no going back now.
"When things got bad… a lot of people just left." Jenner spoke up. He shook his head, "Went off to be with their families, and when things got worse… the rest just bolted."
"So, every last one?" Shane scoffed.
"No. Many couldn't face walking out the door. They—" Jenner paused, he glanced around the room, at the kids, before nodding, "Opted out. There was a—a rash of suicides. That was a bad time."
I was speaking before the question fully registered in my own mind, "Why not you? Why didn't you leave with the others?"
"I just kept working." Jenner gave me a tight-lipped smile. "Hoping to do some good."
The room was awkwardly quiet. So much so that you could probably hear a pin drop. Glenn stood up from behind me and sighed, "Dude, you are such a buzzkill."
That was the unofficial end of dinner and everyone started to move around, cleaning up and putting things away. As I helped Glenn put away dishes that Jacqui and Carol washed, I found a cabinet of wine bottles and liquor. Without thinking, my hand snatched up a small handle of Bird Dog Whiskey and shoved it into my bookbag. Nobody seemed to notice, and if they had they didn't choose to say anything about it.
After cleaning up, Jenner led us all down a hall explaining various things to us and where we could go. I had gotten stuck in the middle of the group with T-Dog on one side and Glenn on the other. When the doctor announced the careful use of warm water, the vibe in the group lifted again. I listened to T-Dog and Glenn murmur excitedly about the prospect before we all split up to claim different rooms. I grabbed a small room at the end of the hall.
A call room. It reminded me of a hospital call room. I chuckled at the random, rather useless memory, and glanced over the bland interior. As I stood in the middle of the room, taking in the silence, my mood began to sour.
I made a beeline to the bathroom which was small but clean. What should've caught my attention was the shower, but instead I couldn't tear my eyes away from the large mirror that took up the wall above the counter and sink. I walked as close as I could, staring into eyes that were unfamiliar and a face that didn't remind me of anything.
Quickly, I tore off my shirt. My breathing was coming in hard as panic started to settle beneath my skin. A scar that followed alongside my left collarbone. Deep and purposeful. A puckered wound above and to the right of my bellybutton. Gunshot. I turned then sucked in a sharp breath before looking over my shoulder.
A black tattoo on your right shoulder blade caught my eye first. It looked like a sun with a star in the middle. I furrowed my brow in confusion before my gaze drifted to the dirty, crusted gauze over the wound on my left shoulder. I clawed the bandage off, flinching at the pain, then stared at the ugly wound. I hadn't got hit by a deadly fever yet. That meant it wasn't a bite or scratch at least…
There were more markings on my back. Three long scars that ran down from the right side of my waist down to my hip. Like something had clawed at me. On my left hip, just above the top of my jeans, was a discolored patch of skin. An old burn wound. More scratches from my travels and more scars from a shady past.
My bottom lip began to tremble as I slowly turned around.
Who was I?
I stared at myself as the involuntary voice answered the question with another ghost of a familiar phrase.
'You are everything. You are strong and smart and so… so important.'
I lifted my hand to lightly touch the mirror. A small blossom of comfort beginning to bubble up in me.
Who am I?
This time another involuntary voice flooded my thoughts, but it wasn't the one I had grown so familiar with. It wasn't the one that lingered on vaguely familiar.
It was deeper. Darker. A growl.
'You are lost. A forlorn soul. You are all alone.'
That emptiness I felt outside returned with a vengeance. I felt hollow, like a black hole took residence in my chest and was sucking in everything I was and could be. The silence around me was absolutely deafening. I ripped off the rest of my clothes and turned the water on as hot as it would go. The sound was welcoming and as I dug through my bag for the whiskey the sight of the bottle was even more so. I stepped into the shower's spray, bottle to my lips.
Daryl stepped out of the bathroom rubbing his damp hair with a white towel. He had put his old clothes back on, but still he felt refreshed and relaxed. For the first time in a very, very long time. Daryl threw the towel aside and grabbed his bottle of gin off the desk. It had come from his own stash. All Jenner had when he checked was different versions of the same kind of wine and that wasn't in his taste.
The gin stung, it was cheap and bitter, but damn if it didn't do the trick.
He was all set to fall onto the small couch in the room he had claimed, but a sudden knocking on his door interrupted him. Immediately, he went on edge at the sound. Habit, at this point. Daryl rolled his shoulders before walking toward the door.
As soon as it swung open, he was greeted by the sight of Tori giggling to herself while she leaned against the doorframe. She was clean. Her hair slicked back and damp, and she wore a fresh pair of clothes. A sleeveless button up shirt and black gym shorts. She was holding something in her hands. Multiple things, but his eyes landed and stuck on the mostly empty bottle of Whiskey.
"Where'd the hell you get that?"
In his shock, she managed to slip past him into the room still giggling. Tori spun around and pointed at him with the bottle, "I'm resourceful, Dixon. Don't you forget it."
She took another big swig before falling backwards on the couch. The remainder of the amber liquid sloshing in the glass bottle. Daryl stepped toward her still trying to figure out what all was going on. Why was she here? Why was she drunk off her ass?
The second question could probably be easily answered.
"Hand it over, doc." He motioned toward her with his hand. Daryl didn't know why she was here, but he could make her useful. Tori handed it over to him, but her lips jutted out in a comical pout. He took sip and relished in it. Whiskey was apple flavored for some damned reason. Daryl still couldn't fathom why anyone would waste their time flavoring whiskey. Pointless. "What you pouting 'bout?"
She crossed her arms, "I don't like being called doc."
"Why not?" He sat down beside her but kept the bottle to himself. From the looks of it she had had enough, and he was on the opposite end of that spectrum.
"Just don't. Not me." Tori argued, her words slurring together.
Daryl shrugged and lifted the bottle to drink more. She was moving beside him, but he didn't pay her any mind. The doc would probably pass out soon enough. There wasn't a chance in hell a girl her age and size could handle the amount of whiskey she must have drunk. Especially if the bottle had been full when she found it.
He took another sip and glanced over at her when she grunted in annoyance. Daryl's eyes landed on her bra and otherwise bare chest and nearly choked on the whiskey. Tori continued to pull off her shirt before balling it up and tossing it across the room. Daryl leaped off the couch, still choking on his whiskey, before glaring at her. His eyes darted from her face to her chest again once before he turned to face the wall. His face burning in embarrassment.
"What the fuck you think you're doin'?!" Daryl barked.
"I need you."
The answer was simple and succinct, and Daryl clenched his jaw in response, "For fuck's sake…"
He downed the last sip of whiskey before dropping the bottle and grabbing her shirt off the floor. Daryl took a steadying breath. He needed to get her clothes back on and get her out before she did anything else. When he finally focused his gaze on her though his thoughts derailed and the shirt in his grip slackened.
Tori was still sitting on the couch, but she was sitting backwards so her back was to him. Her bra was still on and she was leaned over resting her forehead on the backrest of the couch.
"I need you." She mumbled softly, then motioned toward her back, "Can't reach to fix it."
She had been motioned to the gnarly gash on her left shoulder that had seen better days, but Daryl couldn't help but look at every other scar that marred her soft looking skin. Tori didn't seem like the kind that would walk around with a back like this.
With a back like his.
"You were my best bet. You or Carol. Didn't want to scare Sophia though."
Daryl glanced at the strange, black tattoo on her right shoulder blade. He had a tattoo in that same spot. The similarities were eerie. He cleared his throat before walking over. She had left a sewing kit on the couch cushion beside her. That must have been the other thing she brought with her.
"How'd you know I could help?" He asked gruffly and grabbed the kit.
She giggled, "Cause I'm a hunter."
Daryl rolled his eyes. Some hunter she was. He had seen Tori stomping through the woods scaring off everything but the geeks. Daryl pulled a lighter out of his bag and began to heat the needle. Whatever her reasoning had been though, she was right. Daryl knew exactly what to do with a wound like this. It was always easier to suture up his own wounds after a hunting accident. Easier to suture up wounds that weren't from no hunting accident too.
"Stay still." He murmured and sat by her side. At his words she wiggled, and Daryl sighed. He lifted one leg to keep her still and hold her against the couch cushion before going to work.
Tori hissed in pain, and it must have sobered her up to some degree because the giggles and movement stopped. She was quiet as he worked and when he finished up, she just sat there.
"All done."
Daryl had expected her to get up, but instead she just turned her head to look at him. Her eyes were vulnerable. Wide and scared, and he hadn't seen that look in her before. He stiffened and expected the worse. Was she gonna start crying on him? Daryl wasn't the kind to offer comfort. He was no good at it. Instead, Tori did the last thing he expected.
She smiled.
She smiled and it brightened all her features.
"Did you see my tattoo?"
Daryl blinked in shock before nodding once, "Yeah. You in a cult or somethin'?"
"Maybe I was." She replied with a chuckle. Daryl slowly pushed himself off the couch to grab her shirt. As he pulled it off the ground and turned to deliver it, he was surprised to feel her pull him into a hug. Tori leaned her head against him. "Thanks, Daryl Dixon."
Daryl tensed at the contact. This was a little too close for him and it didn't help that she was still half naked. He grunted, "Yeah, whatever, get off."
Tori giggled again while Daryl peeled her off him then helped her stick her arms through the shirt holes. He moved to button the shirt, but hesitated. That was too close to her chest and left him uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and spun her around instead, pushing her toward the door.
"Good night, DD."
"Yeah, night." He mumbled before getting her out of his room and shook his head. She was something that was for sure.
Rick traveled down the hall with his gaze focused on his feet. He wasn't drunk, not right now, but he was buzzed. The wine bottle he had scooped up from the kitchen had ensured that and the conversation he had just had with Jenner in the main room ensured that he drank as much of it as possible. Hope. Hope had been their conversation topic of choice, and Rick could admit to himself now that it felt like he had very little of it.
The sound of giggling made him lift his gaze to Victoria standing in front of a closed door. She was fumbling with something in front of her while chuckling to herself. Rick cleared his throat, "Victoria."
She spun around, her lightly damp hair swinging around her open features, and grinned at him. Rick's gaze widened at seeing that what she had been fumbling with were the buttons of her shirt. They were all undone except the one at the bottom that she had managed to close.
"Rick! Hi!" He hurried over, setting the wine bottle down, and quickly began to button up the rest of her shirt. His gaze didn't linger where it shouldn't for long.
"Are you drunk, Victoria?" Rick couldn't help but laugh with his question as he took a step back from her.
"No!" She cried as he bent over to retrieve the half empty bottle of wine. Victoria's grin grew, "Ok yes. Thanks for the help. Those buttons were rough."
Rick nodded once, "No problem. What are you doing out here? I thought your room was down the hall—"
Victoria giggled again and didn't offer an answer, but the door swung open and that was answer enough. Daryl stood in the doorway with an exasperated look on his features. It turned to irritated when he noticed Rick.
"You here to pick up the local drunk, Robocop?" Daryl scoffed. "Do it quicker, I'm tryin' to sleep."
Rick's jaw clenched. Victoria had been standing outside of Daryl's door basically shirtless and drunk as hell. He didn't know what exactly was going on, but his mind could easily make that leap.
"What is she doing here half naked?" Rick nearly growled. He didn't know Daryl well. The only Dixon he had really seen was Merle and Rick hadn't been impressed. The sheriff's deputy had to assume the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree with these two brothers. If this Dixon had so much as put a finger on Victoria while she was under the influence, if he had taken advantage of her fragile state, Rick would do a hell of a lot worse than handcuff him to a roof.
"Climb outta my ass." Daryl snapped. "Nothin' happened. She came 'ere smashed and just started strippin'. Wanted me to suture up her wound and I did. That's it."
Rick's gaze softened as he glanced over at Victoria who was leaning against the wall now with drooping eyes, "The one from the car wreck?"
"Suppose so." Daryl shrugged. "Looked a hell of a lot like a knife would though."
"A knife wound? She was stabbed?"
Victoria, with closed eyes, laughed at this, "What a bummer, huh?"
"Yeah, real bummer." Daryl scoffed. He straightened his posture than motioned toward her, "She's passin' out on you. Why don't you make yourself useful and put her to bed?"
Rick opened his mouth to speak, to ask more questions, but Daryl slammed the door in his face. He shook his head once and looped an arm around a drowsy Victoria and helped her down the hall. She had been relatively sober at dinner, so it was strange to see her so drunk now. Still, he couldn't bring himself to be overly surprised. Victoria was going through a lot. With not remembering her past and having no familiar face around to rely on. It was part of the reason why he was so dead set on helping her. Everyone needed someone.
He was surprised that she was continually drawn to Daryl. Maybe she saw something that he was missing. Rick would have to give the Dixon a better chance. Victoria seemed like a good judge of character thus far.
"You're too good." Victoria mumbled and even though she was walking on her own, albeit in a stumbling fashion, he figured her to be too gone to really speak. "Too good. Promise me you won't change, Rick? Promise me you'll stay good."
Rick pushed open her door and was happy to see her belongings on the floor by a small bed. This was the right room. He took her over to it and helped her get settled, "You're a good person too. I promise not to change if you don't."
She had been lying down, but at his words she sat up and grabbed his hand to keep him from leaving, "You don't know that. I don't know that. Promise you'll stay good, Rick. Promise me!"
"I promise, Victoria." Rick said firmly, trying to calm the sudden panic that seeped off her. "But I think you're giving me too much credit. I'm… I'm not that good."
She smiled, but there was a sadness there, "You are. You are good. It's funny." Victoria lifted her hand and rested her palm on his cheek. He stiffened, but immediately relaxed when she began to pat his cheek in a friendly motion. "The best people in the world never know they're the best. You are good though. Your heart is so good. Just like Dean. You're just like Dean."
Victoria fell back into bed with a soft sigh. Rick was still blinking in surprise at the use of a name he didn't recognize. Dean? Was she trying to reference Daryl but was just too drunk to acknowledge the name?
"Who's Dean, Victoria?"
"The best man in the world." She mumbled quietly before fully passing out. Victoria was out like a light and he knew any further questions would gain no responses. He pulled the blanket over her before moving to leave.
If Victoria knew the conversation he had had with Jenner, if she knew that he had admitted to having no hope left, she wouldn't feel the way she did right now about him. He wasn't good if he was throwing in the towel. Maybe this was the sign he needed to shake those thoughts free. Rick sighed and moved toward his room. He wanted to see Carl and he wanted to see Lori. He wanted to rest for the night with them with no fear of looking over his shoulder.
The first ten minutes of my morning were spent with my pounding head hanging over a white porcelain toilet bowl. Luckily, it was clean. Unluckily, puking my guts out hadn't helped the hangover whatsoever. I pushed myself off the ground and walked over to the sink to wash the taste of stomach acid out of my mouth.
The last thing I remembered from last night was taking a shower with a bottle of whiskey. I prayed with every ounce of my being that after the shower I had just fallen into bed and passed out.
"Aw man." I twisted and peeked through the unfamiliar sleeveless shirt side to see a sutured shoulder. Drunk me had not done that. "Who the fuck…"
I rubbed at my face, the headache only getting worse, before moving on. Surely, I'd find answers by running in to the others. I quickly changed back into my jeans and boots, leaving the white sleeveless button up shirt on, and then left the room to head back to the kitchen.
Lori and Carl were at the large table eating breakfast alongside Dale, Andrea, and Jacqui. Glenn was sitting across from the rest of them with his head resting on the table miserably. I couldn't help but chuckle despite my own pain. T-Dog was humming in the kitchen while cooking.
"Morning!" Dale chirped loudly and happily.
I flinched at the volume, but offered him the best smile I could muster, "Morning."
"You and Glenn look terrible." Andrea chuckled. My smile must have looked more like a grimace, I guess.
I sat down beside Glenn, "I feel pretty rotten."
Glenn moaned in agreement without lifting his head up. My head was throbbing, but at least I wasn't suffering like Glenn. He looked like he was a second away from falling out of his chair. I softly rubbed his back and he groaned again in thanks.
Rick was the next to come in and the grimace on his own face told me he had drank too much as well. He dropped down into the chair beside his son well rubbing the side of his face. Carl stopped eating to speak, "Are you hungover? Mom said you'd be."
I chuckled at his question and Rick nodded, "Mom is right."
"Mom has that annoying habit." Lori retorted, but she kept her gaze to the table and to her food. She didn't seem hungover like us, but something about her mood was off anyways.
T-Dog walked toward the table, his booming voice making Glenn and I both flinch again, "Eggs! Powdered, but I do 'em good!"
I grabbed two plates left out on the table for us, and T-Dog poured a decent helping of eggs on both. He moved on to serve others while I immediately dug in. The eggs were rubbery and bland, but I shoveled them down like the treasure they were.
"Where did all this come from?" Rick asked. He scooped something up from the counter behind him and I realized it was a bottle of ibuprofen. How had I missed that?
"Jenner." Lori answered then took the bottle from a struggling Rick who couldn't manage to twist the top off the plastic bottle. He looked to her gratefully, "He thought we could use it."
I nodded then caught her attention, "Can I see?"
Lori tossed me the bottle and I caught it with ease. Glenn miserably took a break from eating his eggs to look at me and I gave him a smile before setting three pills by his plate before taking some for myself.
"If you guys are really my friends." Glenn groaned and threw back his pills. "You'll never, ever let me drink again."
T-Dog and I snickered from beside him, but I reached out to rub his back again. With water and eggs in my system I was already starting to feel better. At least, I wasn't doing as poorly as Glenn.
"Hey." I lifted my gaze to see Shane stroll in with a greeting that was easily returned. He breezed past where I sat and made a beeline to the kitchen where a coffee maker sat with a recently brewed batch. My eyes widened. How had I missed that too?
"You feel as bad as I do?" Rick called out jokingly.
I jumped up to stand beside Shane and wait my turn for a cup of hot coffee. Maybe it would fully wake me up from my lingering hangover and I wouldn't be so oblivious this morning.
"Worse." Shane grumbled. He glanced over at me and motioned for me to bring the mug in my hand closer. I did so and he poured some in before putting it back. The smell was familiar and absolutely heavenly. In fact, it was so heavenly that I didn't notice Shane's wound until T-Dog called out asking about what happened. I lifted my gaze to see three long, red scratch marks running from the side of his neck down to around his collarbone. "Must have done it in my sleep."
"I've never seen you do that before."
"Me neither." Shane agreed with Rick. Lori's gaze finally lifted from the table to focus on Shane. It was brief, but there was something hanging in the air between the two of them that I couldn't brush away. I also couldn't put my finger on what it was either.
I cleared my throat and motioned to the scratches, "Do you uh—do you need me to take a look?"
"I don't think having a hungover doctor look at it is gonna do much." Shane joked and the table chuckled. He gave me a quick nod and I offered him a small smile, "Thanks. I'm fine."
I shrugged and moved back to my powdered eggs. The group continued to eat breakfast, small talk filling the air, as more people began to trickle in. Daryl was the last of our little group to come in and unlike a majority of us, he didn't seem hungover in the slightest. Something told me that had more to do with his tolerance than a lack of drinking.
Since he was here though to get his plate of food, that meant I was allowed to go in for seconds. I offered him a tight-lipped smile as greeting before moving to shovel another helping of eggs onto my plate. T-Dog had been right. He made some kick ass powdered eggs.
"Surprised you can even stand." Daryl scoffed. I blinked in surprise before taking my seat again. He sat down at an empty seat at the table, "As smashed as you were last night."
T-Dog laughed again at my expense, but things suddenly began to make sense. My hand shot out to reach for the sutured shoulder and Daryl nodded once in confirmation. He had sutured up my wound. Daryl Dixon had not only seen my odd wound and fixed it, but he also had probably seen the rest of my back. I paled at the thought and the redneck seemed to notice this. He diverted his eyes away from mine.
"Speaking of last night", Rick chimed in and I turned my attention to him. God, had I seen Rick last night too? Please if there was any goodness left in this universe then he wouldn't have seen my back too. "Who is Dean?"
At this moment, everyone at the table was looking at me now. That hadn't been the question I expected from Rick. Dean? Who was Dean? Where had that come from? I paused and tried to recognize the name. It didn't sound familiar.
"Dean. Dean." I said twice, letting the name roll off my tongue. It felt natural to say. It felt more natural to say this name than it was to say my own. Still, I had no idea who the name belonged to. "I don't know. Why…?"
"You mentioned him last night when I was helping you get back to your room. I had thought you were just saying Daryl's name wrong, but it seemed like something else."
Nothing came to me. No memory, no thoughts, there was nothing in my head associated with the name of Dean. A hand on my back startled me and I glanced over to see Glenn was rubbing my back with comfort. The entire table was staring at me with various degrees of pity. Quickly, I forced a smile and a small chuckle, "It'll come to me eventually. No worries."
They didn't seem to believe me. Luckily, Jenner walking in distracted them away from me. He greeted us and moved to the coffee maker, but before he could even begin to fill up his mug, Dale spoke, "Doctor, I don't mean to slam you with questions first thing—"
"But you will anyways." Jenner forced a chuckle.
Andrea shrugged, her face solemn, "We didn't come here for the eggs."
"Mmm. I did." I argued and started to eat my eggs again. A chuckle lightly filled the air at my statement. As we finished up eating our food, allowing Jenner to drink and enjoy his coffee, I couldn't help but look over at Daryl again. He was already looking at me but the look in his eyes didn't seem like pity. I averted my gaze away before I could pinpoint what exactly it was.
We were back in the main computer terminal room that Jenner had originally brought us to when we arrived. The platform we stood on was covered with rows of computers, all turned off it looked, and they all faced a large screen across the room.
"Give me playback of TS-19." Jenner spoke while typing something into the one computer that was lit up. I glanced around again at the large, open room. There was an office with glass walls on the floor above this one that sat out from the wall so whoever sat there could look down into this room and various metal gateways on either side. Everyone had found their own place in the room. I stood beside Glenn with Daryl, Carol, and Sophia a little way off to my left. "Few people ever got a chance to see this. Very few."
The screen lit up with a recording of a human lying on their back. The view was from their side, chest up to the head, and the entire medical scan video was focused on their brain. A string of readings and vitals sat in the far corner. The patient wasn't doing well based off vitals alone. Their O2 saturation was wavering in the low 80s and their temperature was 103.7. The patient was sick with whatever was causing this. I pushed myself off the back of the terminal I was leaning against. Glenn shot me a look, but I walked forward to stand next to Jenner.
"Is that a brain?" Carl asked curiously.
A soft smile grew on Jenner's lips, "Yes. An extraordinary one." The smile faltered as a sadness filled his eyes, "Not that it matters in the end. Take us in for EIV."
"Enhance Internal View." The robotic female voice confirmed. The video zoomed in and became a kaleidoscope of colors swirling and flashing in the brain. Electrical currents danced along synapses. A sense of awe washed over me. A brief flash of a memory. Sitting in a large classroom surrounded by other students, all their faces blank, but the lecture slides as clear as day in front of me.
"What are those lights?" Shane questioned, breaking the silence.
"It's a person's life. Experiences, memories… it's everything. Somewhere in all that organic wiring, all those ripples of light, is…"
"Us." You finished his sentence with a small chuckle.
Jenner nodded excitedly, "Exactly. It's what makes us who we are, what makes us human!"
Daryl, whose arms were crossed over his chest tightly, his shoulders tense, scoffed, "You don't make sense ever?"
"They're synapses." I gave Daryl a nod, "Electrical impulses in the brain that carry all the messages. It's our decisions and our personality and our…" My voice grew quieter, "Our memories."
Jenner hadn't seemed to notice my sudden shift in tone, "All those lights determine everything a person says, does, or thinks from the moment of birth to the moment of death."
"Death?" Rick cut in, "Is that what this is? A vigil?"
"Yes. Or rather a playback of one."
"This person died?" Andrea questioned taking a step closer, "Who?"
"Test Subject 19." Jenner shrugged, his gaze focused on the screen to a playback I was sure he had watched on repeat, "Someone who was bitten and infected. Someone who volunteered to have us record the process."
The infliction in his voice, the look on his face, all of it rang with pain. He was suffering and I wondered how much this man had seen hiding behind the walls of the CDC. What had he gone through?
"Scan to first event."
The video sped up only to slow down with a drastic change. The brain stem of the patient now looked black and rotted. The patient's vitals had worsened and the they were writhing against the table in pain. Black branches climbed into the brain like poison.
"What is that?" Glenn breathed.
"It looks like…" I shook my head and turned to Jenner who was staring at me expectantly. I swallowed the lump in my throat and continued, "Meningitis? This virus is meningitis?"
Jenner shook his head, "It invades the brain just like it, but it isn't entirely the same. The adrenal glands hemorrhage, the brain goes into shutdown, then the major organs follow it…then death."
As he said it the patient began to still as vitals tanked and flashed in red. Seconds later the words 'Subject Deceased' replaced the area where the vitals had been recorded. Seeing the words made it all the more real. We had just watched a video of a human dying. Succumbing to the disease that had taken the world.
"Is that what happened to Jim?" Sophia's small voice echoed through the otherwise quiet room. I glanced back to see her looking up at her mother. Her sandy hair pinned back out of her face. Carol nodded and answered her quietly. Andrea took in a shuddering breath, tears building up in the corner of her eyes.
"She lost someone two days ago." Lori explained. "Her sister."
Jenner gave Andrea a soft look, "I lost somebody too. I know how devastating it is."
Devastating. I could imagine, but had I experienced it? Everyone had lost someone. There was no person that hadn't been touched by this disaster in some way. It made me wonder… had I? Had I lost someone? Had this apocalypse taken a loved one away? My hand shot up to smother the pained gasp of realization that overcame me. What if I had? There was a chance, a rather large one, that this world had taken someone I loved from me, but my broken head couldn't remember them. They had been ripped away and I didn't even have a memory to hold onto. Not only were they gone forever, wiped from this Earth, but they were also wiped from my mind.
"Scan to second event."
I shook off the shock and tried to settle myself. My hands were shaking, and I glanced around to see if anyone had spotted my moment of falling apart. All eyes seemed to be on the screen, but that wasn't entirely true. Daryl was staring at me, I caught his eye, and I quickly looked away. I balled my hands into fists to try and stop the shaking.
"The resurrection times vary wildly." Jenner explained, "We had reports of it happening in as little as three minutes, and the longest we heard of was eight hours. In the case of this patient it was two hours, one minute, and seven seconds."
On the screen, the darkness was interrupted with a small flicker of light at the brainstem. It was dull, like a dying flame, but it seemed like a spotlight amongst the dead brain tissue. My jaw popped open in surprise. The patient was dead, and yet a part of their brain was coming back.
"It restarts the brain?" Lori gasped.
"No, it… not the brain, it's only in the brainstem… I…" I tried to tie my thoughts together coherently, but nothing seemed to stick.
Jenner nodded gravely, "It's what you think. The infection, it gets them up and moving."
"But they aren't alive?" Rick asked.
"You tell me."
"It's nothing like before." Rick thought aloud, "Most of that brain is dark."
"Dark, lifeless, dead." Jenner agreed. "The frontal lobe, the neocortex, it's all dead. Those are the parts that make us human, that make us special, and it never comes back." I dropped down into a rolling chair and rested my elbows on my knees. "It's a shell, driven by mindless instinct.
The test subject began to move again. Slow and unsteady, their jaw snapping open and shut. Seconds later there was a flash that left a jagged line through the brain and the test subject was no longer moving.
"God." Carol had been startled by the flash, "What was that?"
"He shot his patient in the head." Andrea said slowly. "Didn't you?"
Jenner typed something in the computer, and everything began to shut down. He moved to leave the platform, but Andrea took a step-in front of him to stop him from leaving.
"You have no idea what it is do you?" Andrea snapped. Her voice was bitter and cold. She was upset about her sister still, and I understood that, but she didn't have to take it out on the one person in Atlanta showing us kindness.
I narrowed a glare at her, one she ignored, and Jenner spoke, "It could be microbial, viral, parasitic, fungal—"
"Or the wrath of God." Jacqui added. It was the first she had spoken in this room and she was shaky and tearful as she did so.
Jenner nodded in her direction, "There is that."
"Somebody must know something. Somebody, somewhere!" Andrea yelled.
Jenner, who didn't react to Andrea's anger at all, just shrugged his shoulders again, "There may be some. Others like me."
Rick cut in this time, "But you don't know? How can you not know?"
"Everything went down. Communications, directives— All of it. I've been in the dark for almost a month."
"So, it's not just here." Andrea scoffed, her anger simmering into just plain sadness. "There's nothing left anywhere. Nothing. That's what you're really saying, right?"
Nothing. That's where we were, that's where the state of the world sat in. Nothing. Jenner didn't have answers and he had no line of communication with someone else. The world was quiet now. No more talking, just surviving. Everyone on the platform shared knowing looks with one another. We were all mourning this loss.
Daryl scoffed, breaking the silence, and rubbed his face with his hands. As if he could wipe away the knowledge he had just gained, "Man, I'm gonna get shitfaced drunk again."
"Dr. Jenner." Dale cleared his throat and eyes shot to him. What else could possibly be asked at this point? The older man shook his head, "I know this has been taxing for you and I hate to ask one more question, but…" Dale pointed behind him to the wall where an electronic clock sat. I just assumed it to be a clock when my eyes glanced over it, but now that I was actually looking, I saw it was a countdown. The red numbers glared an angry red. 59:59. "That clock… is counting down. What happens at zero?"
I watched the seconds tick away.
"The basement generators—they run out of fuel."
Jenner turned and began to leave. This time no one stepped in front of him to stop him. I called out, "And then?"
There was no answer. Jenner was slowly leaving the room without even a backwards glance. Rick asked the computer program and the electronic voice replied without emotion or hesitation, "When the power runs out facility wide decontamination will occur."
Nobody knew exactly what the computer meant by that, but it was foreboding all the same.
I sat on the edge of the bed in the room I had slept in with my backpack on my shoulders. Rick, Shane, Glenn, and T-Dog had all gone downstairs to the basements in hopes to find answers. My original plan had been to join their little crew so I could look for my own answers, but Rick wouldn't let me. Something about it being safer up here with the others just in case. I knew he meant well, but it felt like coddling and I wasn't crazy about that.
With a sigh, I pushed myself up and moved to leave. Maybe I could find something out in that main room again. There wasn't any computer savvy knowledge bouncing around in my brain like the medical stuff, but who knows? I was halfway down the hall when the sound of someone clearing their throat made me freeze.
I glanced over my shoulder then leaned back some to peek into the open doorway I had already passed. Daryl was sitting on a couch with his feet resting on the other cushions and his back against the armrest. He didn't say anything but motioned with his head for me to come closer.
Curiously, I stepped into the room. This was one of the first times, if not the very first time, that Daryl was starting a conversation with me. Usually it was just me bothering him, either sober or drunk.
"Hey Daryl. You alright?"
He took a sip from the bottle in his hands, "You alright?"
I stiffened, "Um, yeah. Of course. I was just gonna go look for answers to what's happening?"
Daryl just stared at me and it wasn't until now that I realized how intimidating it could be under his gaze. It wasn't scary per say. It felt more like he was looking right through me, like he could see every thought and whisper of who I was.
"Looked like you were panickin' earlier is all." Daryl shrugged, "Can't have you losin' your shit over nothin'. Barley got any steady minds as is."
I forced a laugh and crossed my arms, "I'm not losing anything."
"Then why you look like you're 'bout to make a break for it?" He motioned toward where I stood stiffly in the middle of the room, all my belongings packed in a bag on my back. Admittedly, I probably did look like a flight risk right now. Quickly, I pulled my bag off and tossed it aside and moved to sit on the couch. Daryl pulled his legs back just as I dropped down and he shot me a glare before rotating so both his feet were on the ground.
"You invited me in. You can't glare at me when I make myself comfortable."
Daryl scoffed, "Never invited you in. Just wanted to make sure you weren't 'bout to do somethin' stupid."
It was quiet between us for a minute or so. Daryl offered me the bottle in his hand, but I shook my head and pushed it away. The last time I let myself drink things got a little out of hand. It was for the best if I didn't touch alcohol for a little while.
"I don't know who I'm supposed to miss." I admitted suddenly. Daryl's form stiffened. I could see it out of the corner of my eye, but I didn't turn to acknowledge it. I just shrugged and continued, "Andrea and Jenner… what they were saying earlier got me thinking and… I don't know who I'm supposed to miss. I don't know who I lost when all this happened." My bottom lip started to quiver, but I bit down on it to hold it in place. I wasn't about to start crying in Daryl's room over this. "What if there is someone waiting for me to come or—or what if someone I loved died and now, I can't even mourn them? I can't even look back fondly at old memories. They're just gone…forever."
"What if you didn't?"
My eyes widened and I glanced over at Daryl who just stared at me. I honestly hadn't expected him to reply. I figured this would mostly be a one-sided conversation until he kicked me out. Daryl just shrugged, "What if you didn't lose anyone? Shouldn't mourn over somethin' that might've not even happened. Focus more on keepin' yourself alive. On findin' answers than cryin' over nothin'."
He wasn't wrong. Mourning, being in pain, took up a lot of energy. It wasn't something I could just leave lingering in the back of my mind. If I let my mind travel down this path there was no focusing on the now. I would just spiral into an unstoppable depression.
"'Sides, you think whoever is out there, whoever your people are—you think they'd want you worryin'?" Daryl glanced over, and whatever look was on my face prompted him to offer me the bottle in his hand again. This time I did take it from him. "Gettin' your ass eaten by some dead motherfucker?"
I chuckled at his phrasing and took a quick sip only to immediately choke on the burn of cheap gin. As I coughed and tried to get the fire out of my throat, I could see Daryl smirk from beside me in amusement.
"Gin? You're drinking gin?" I handed him back the bottle with a shake of my head, "Not even good gin, at that."
Daryl shrugged, "Does the trick don't it?"
There was a silent moment between us. Him drinking and me letting his unusual, though rather perfect, advice wash over me. I glanced over at him again and wondered if I should ask the question jumping out in my mind. Before I could really weight the pros or cons it just came out.
"How are you doing?" At the words, Daryl paused in drinking to look over at me. I nodded once, already regretting what could end badly, then continued anyways, "With the whole Merle thing?" Daryl stiffened in response and I quickly began talking just to fill the silence, "Sorry, I just—I wanted to make sure you were doing ok… It can't be easy with Merle being gone—"
"Merle ain't dead." Daryl snapped harshly.
"I'm not saying he is." I replied, "Just that he's not here with you and that's gotta be tough."
Daryl nodded once, liking the phrasing better this time round, and just shrugged his shoulders, "I'm fine. He'll show back up. That's how it usually is with Merle."
It was odd. I had heard so much about Merle, had technically risked my life to try and save him in Atlanta, and yet I had never actually met the guy. I couldn't even point him out in a crowd if the situation arose. We sat in silence again, but the silence was comfortable.
Finally, I gave him a firm smile, "Thanks, Daryl."
"For what?" Daryl seemed genuinely confused at my gratitude.
I laughed with a shake of my head, "For being there for me. Talking to you made me feel a lot better. You're a good friend."
"I ain't your friend." Daryl replied gruffly.
"Mhmm. Whatever you say… friend." I grinned and he shook his head with a faint scoff. Quickly, I stood up and Daryl questioned the movement. I smirked at him, "You gonna miss me, Dixon?" Daryl scoffed again, louder this time, and I scooped up my bag and gave him a grin on my way out.
The plan had been to continue my hunt for answers in the main room, but as I stepped into the hall, I watched Jenner silently slip into a room down the hall from me. Something in my gut told me to follow that lead rather than head to the main room and without a second thought I jogged to the door. I cautiously put my hand on the door handle, but the metal wouldn't turn.
The door was locked.
First instinct upon finding a locked door? Turn around. That was the correct response, but instead my hand reached for a side pocket on my bag. Earlier I had seen a small black bag in this pocket, but I hadn't explored further. Now, I pulled it out and opened it to find a few metal tools.
"Oh, please tell me this isn't what I think it is…" I mumbled and knelt down. Sucking in a sharp breath, I cleared my mind and just let my hands do the work. About a minute later, the lock clicked, and I was able to push the door open. It was a bittersweet moment. I had gained access, but at the cost of my sanity, "I really am a full-blown criminal."
I tucked away my criminal tools and stepped into the hallway that the door opened up to. The hallway was dimly lit and the source of light was located at the end where the hallway opened up into a room.
"I did the best that I could in the time that I had."
Jenner's voice drifted toward me. I stepped quietly, sneaking down the hall, and as I got to the end, I realized this was the office with glass walls that could be seen from the main room. Jenner was sitting at a desk, his back to me, crouched over something he was holding.
I felt like I was interrupting something, but I had already come this far. To turn back now felt like a waste. I cleared my throat and Jenner whipped around in shock. He set the picture frame he was holding face down on his desk and glanced around me, "How did you get in?"
"The door was ajar." I lied with ease. "I was just curious."
"I was sure I had locked it."
I tried to change the subject, my hands gripping the straps of my bookbag, "Are you alright?"
"No." Jenner didn't hesitate. "I'm not."
He picked up the frame again and this time I caught sight of a beautiful woman with dark, chestnut hair and a slim face. Jenner was staring at the photo with such adoration, but the adoration was mixed with a deep sadness.
"That's who you lost."
Jenner nodded without looking up, "Yes. Natalie. She was my wife."
"She's beautiful."
"I know, and she was so smart. So incredibly smart." Jenner paused and looked up with a sad chuckle, "For a moment, you reminded me of her today."
My eyes widened, "Me?"
"When I showed you the TS-19 playback… when the brain came up… you just had this look of awe in your eyes. You looked… hopeful. Natalie was like that. Always so hopeful. Her eyes glowed with it." Jenner's voice was so defeated. I didn't know how to reply to what he said, but luckily for me he continued, "You're a doctor as well? Tori, right?"
"Yes. To both. Sort of. Uh…" I rubbed the back of my neck, "I'm pretty positive I graduated, but I think I either had just started residency or was about to. Emergency Medicine."
Jenner seemed confused. He could join the club. "You think?"
"I have… amnesia? It's an odd case to be honest. Pretty bad too." I shrugged, "Rick pulled me out of a car wreck a few days ago. I couldn't even remember my name…"
"I'm sorry, that must be difficult." Jenner clasped his hands in front of him, "You seem very bright though. I'm sure if the world hadn't ended you would have done very well."
I chuckled, "Yeah, can you imagine? I did all that schooling and just when they were gonna let me do what I wanted to do everything went to shit. I bet past me would've loved that heads up. It would've saved me a lot of time."
"That's the problem. We always think there is going to be more time." Jenner let out a sad laugh. There was a tone in his voice, but before I could question it the power went out above us. The lights shut out and the air stopped suddenly. Jenner hummed, "But then it runs out."
"What?" I glanced around, but Jenner got up and walked around me in almost a daze. I glanced back at the picture of Natalie, sitting at the center of his desk, before jogging after him.
As we both entered the hallway people began to poke their heads out of their rooms asking what was going on. Apparently, power had cut out everywhere and not just in his office.
"What's goin' on? Why'd everythin' turn off?" Daryl leaned out his door, gin bottle hanging from his hand. Jenner walked past him and without breaking pace he snatched the bottle out of the redneck's hand taking a large gulp as he walked.
"Energy is being prioritized."
"Air isn't a priority?" Dale questioned. There was a mob of people following Jenner alongside me. Daryl walked beside me. "And lights?"
Jenner shrugged, "Not up to me. Zone 5 is shutting itself down."
"Hey! Hey! What the hell does that mean?!" Daryl barked. Jenner didn't reply and Daryl wasn't a fan of that. He jogged a few steps ahead of the doctor, "Hey, man, I'm talkin' to you. What do you mean it's shuttin' itself down? How can a building do anythin'?"
"You'd be surprised."
Our group following Jenner entered the main room around the same time that Rick, Glenn, Shane, and T-Dog did from the other side. Lori called out to her husband whose focus was on Jenner. The four men looked just as confused as we did and that wasn't comforting at all.
"Jenner, what is happening?" Rick demanded.
"The system is dropping all the nonessential uses of power. It's designed to keep the computers running until the last possible second. That started as we approached the thirty-minute mark." Jenner pointed the gin bottle to the countdown that now read '31:27'. "Right on schedule."
Jenner jumped onto the platform but before we could follow him, he spun around, sloshing some of the gin onto the floor, "It was the French."
Andrea, who the words were directed to, looked taken aback, "What?"
"They were the last ones to hold out, as far as I know. While our people were bolting out the doors and committing suicide in the halls, they stayed in the labs until the end. They thought they were close to a solution."
"What happened?" Jacqui asked nervously.
"Same thing that's happening here. No power grid. Ran out of juice." Jenner replied with an angry scoff, "The world runs on fossil fuel… I mean how stupid is that?!"
Shane, anger rolling off him in waves, had a look on his face that struck me with fear, "Let me tell you—"
Rick grabbed his best friend, holding him back, "To hell with it, Shane. I don't even care. Lori, grab our things. Everyone grab your stuff! We're leaving now!"
My hand subconsciously shot to the straps of my bag again as others began to scramble back towards the door. A flashing red light and alarm halted all progress as everyone froze in shock.
"Thirty minutes until decontamination." The electronic voice almost sounded mocking. Panic hit the group hard and Shane tried to get the situation under hand.
He started to round people up, "Everybody, y'all heard Rick! Get your stuff and go!"
As Shane was herding the others toward the exits, I remained glued to my spot. Jenner didn't seem phased by anything going on. He walked toward the one computer that was still on and swiped his card against a scanner on the desk. The light on the scanner turned green and all the metal doors slammed down sealing all of you into the room.
"Did—Did you just lock us in?" Glenn asked. There was shock and pure panic in his voice as his eyes darted from the metal doors to Jenner and back again. "He just locked us in!"
Daryl rushed past you, roaring in anger, "You son of a bitch!"
"Shane!" Rick called out just in time. Shane jumped into the path of an angry Daryl barely managing to stop the angry man. Daryl continued to yell and curse at Jenner. T-Dog had to grab Daryl as well to stop the guy from tackling Jenner to the ground.
Carl and Sophia were crying, their mothers trying fruitlessly to console them, and Andrea just slid to the ground in defeat. Her back against one of the computers. I felt frozen in place. Frozen in fear. The others were yelling and arguing with Jenner, but all I could do was stand in place and try to take in one breath after another.
"What happens!?" Rick's loud, angry voice snapped me back into the moment. Him and Shane had ripped the doctor out of his chair, but Jenner was done passively listening to our group yell and cry.
"Do you know what this place is!?" Jenner yelled. He shoved Rick's hands away and glared at the group, "We protected the public from very nasty stuff!" Jenner fixed his coat then continued to bark into Shane's face, "Weaponized smallpox! Ebola strains that could wipe out half the country! Stuff you don't want to get out ever!"
Silence fell over the group.
Jenner's anger ebbed away, "In the event of a catastrophic power failure—in a terrorist attack for example, HITs are deployed to prevent any organisms from getting out."
"HITs?" Rick questioned.
"Vi, define."
"HITs. High impulse thermobaric fuel air explosives consist of a two-stage aerosol ignition that produces a blast wave of significantly greater power and duration than any other known explosive except nuclear." The computer spoke and the children began to cry louder. I glanced around to see Carol silently crying into her daughter's hair as she held her and Jacqui trying to hide her tears herself. Rick pulled his family into his arms. There wasn't a soul in the room that didn't look defeated. "The vacuum pressure effect ignites the oxygen between 5000 and 6000 degrees and is useful when the greatest loss of life and damage to structure is desired."
I sucked in a sharp breath, the words slipping out, "Oh my—it sets the air on fire."
Jenner gave me a soft look, "No pain. An end to all the sorrow, grief, regret. Everything."
"No!" Rick yelled. Shane barked out an order and the guys ran out over to the doors to try and find a way out. They used axes and shotguns, but nothing seemed to even leave a mark on the metal doors. Again though, I was stuck in place. Stuck.
'Think. You can't let yourself get trapped. Find a way out. It might not be obvious, but you're clever. Use it.'
The voice woke me up. It was right. I had to find a way out, I couldn't let myself freeze up like this. There was nothing that stood out in the room that looked like it could be used to get out and based on the curses I was hearing the guys weren't having any luck with their tools.
"You should've left well enough alone." Jenner shook his head, "It would've been so much easier."
"Easier for who?" Lori snapped angrily. She had Carl held tightly in her arms.
"All of you! You know what's out there. A short, brutal life and an agonizing death." He replied and looked to Andrea, desperately looking for an ally, "Your— Your sister… What was her name?"
"Amy." Andrea answered softly.
"Amy." Jenner repeated firmly. "You know what this does. You've seen it." He turned to Rick who had walked up to stand behind me, "Do you really want that for your wife and son?"
"I don't want this." Rick snapped with a glare.
Shane walked over with Daryl a few steps behind him, "Can't make a dent."
"Those doors are resigned to withstand a rocket launcher." Jenner said with a scoff. So, my assumption had been proven right. We were gonna have to find a different way out of this mess.
Daryl pushed past Shane and brought his axe up, "Well your head ain't!"
I spun around with my arms up to try and stop him. Dale had the same idea, but neither of us had the strength to hold back Daryl and his thunderous anger. Shane, Rick, and T-Dog jumped in to help and we all managed to hold him back and prevent him from murdering the doctor.
"Daryl, just back off!" Rick snapped again. He was frayed around the edges. Panic settling on his features, I could see it. Daryl shoved everyone off and stalked a few steps away. His axe still raised, and his glare still settled on Jenner.
Jenner didn't seem all too concerned over Daryl's death glare. He motioned to Rick, "You do want this. Last night you said, you knew… you knew it was just a matter of time before everybody you loved, everyone you promised to care for, was dead."
His words seemed to echo through the large room. I glanced back in shock at Rick who looked like all the blood had rushed out of his face. Rick had said that? Rick glanced around, his eyes darting to yours with a clench of his jaw. Lori's voice cut through the awkward air, but Shane's voice was much, much louder, "What? You really said that? After all your big talk!?"
"I had to keep hope alive, didn't I?" Rick said gruffly. It didn't seem right. Rick always seemed like such a rock. He exuded a confidence that comforted the people around him. I almost couldn't believe it.
"There is no hope." Jenner bluntly spoke up. "There never was."
"There's… No, guys, there's always hope." I shook my head, hands tightening into frustrated fists. Everyone around me was slowly losing it, they were giving up, and right now with the clock counting down… this was not the time to give up. I shot a glare at Jenner, "Maybe it won't be you, maybe not here, but somebody… somewhere…"
Andrea scoffed loudly, "What part of everything is gone do you not get?"
My head spun around to fire a glare at Andrea. She wasn't helping anything or anyone right now. Jenner tried to argue his point again while Carol pleaded for her daughter's life. I glanced around desperate for an answer. The doors weren't an option. There was no way to get up to the glass windows of the office and break through them.
"Shane, no!" Rick barked.
I snapped my gaze back to the scene to see Shane push past Rick with his shotgun cocked and ready to fire. He was on a warpath to Jenner. I tried to jump into the way, but someone pulled me back just as quick. Glenn held my arm tightly and shook his head with worry.
"You do not want to be in Shane's way right now, Tori."
"Open the doors or I'm gonna blow your head off." Shane growled and held the barrel of the gun against Jenner's cheek. "Do you hear me!?"
Rick grabbed the back of his arm, "Brother, brother… This is not the way you do this. We will never get out of here."
"Shane you listen to him." Lori warned.
"He dies, we all die."
Shane let out a roar of anger and turned to fire into the computer terminals off to the side four times. Rick hit him, stopping Shane's firing, and stole the gun from his hand. He hit Shane hard, sending him to the floor, then handed the gun to T-Dog.
"You done now?" Rick said, "Are you done!?"
"Yeah. I guess we all are." Shane replied in an eerily calm voice.
Shane was going about this all the wrong way. Shooting Jenner dead, threatening him, was not going to work. Jenner had already given up on himself and claiming to be willing to murder him wasn't going to get through to him. Shane wasn't wrong though. Jenner was the only way out of this room. Those doors weren't coming down without him, even with Daryl still beating against them with an axe in each hand.
Jenner was the answer.
I shot Rick a look. He looked just as desperate as I felt, and he glanced up to meet my gaze. We just stared at each other for a few seconds silently communicating that we were on the same page. I shot a glance to Jenner, then back to Rick, and Rick's eyes widened slightly in agreement and realization.
"I think you're lying."
Jenner looked confused, "What?"
Rick continued, "You're lying about no hope. If that were true you'd have bolted with the rest or taken the easy way out. You didn't. You chose the hard path. Why?"
Jenner stiffened, "Doesn't matter."
"It does matter." Rick argued firmly. "It always matters. You stayed while others ran. Why?!"
"Not because I wanted to! I made a promise. Same as you." Jenner shoved himself up, his voice wavering, "I made a promise to her."
Jenner pointed to the dark screen at his words and everybody seemed to understand that he was talking about TS-19. I blinked as the dots in my head connected. TS-19 was her.
"TS-19 was your wife." I breathed. "It was Natalie."
People seemed shocked that you knew his wife's name, but no one spoke up to question it. Jenner crossed his arms, "She begged me to keep going as long as I could. How could I say no? She was dying…" All that could be heard was Daryl hitting the axe against the metal door. "It should've been me on that table. It wouldn't have mattered to anybody, but she was a loss to the world! Hell, she ran this place! I just worked here… In our field, she was an Einstein. Me? I'm just Edwin Jenner… She could've done something. Not me…"
I took a shaky step forward, "What happened to Natalie is terrible, and I'm so sorry… but Jenner, you told me she was hopeful. She had hope, just like we do." I set my hand against his arm, "All we're asking for is a chance. Natalie believed in that. She would've opened those doors for us. She would've given us that choice."
Rick nodded, "Just let us keep trying for as long as we can."
Jenner remained still for a moment. He glanced around the room at everyone before focusing on me. Jenner held my gaze for a moment more before turning around to swipe his card and type something into the computer. He shook his head, "I told you. Topside is locked down. I can't open those doors."
The doors slid open and I laughed in relief.
"Come on!" Daryl barked and waved for the others before jogging out.
"There's your chance." Jenner motioned to the doors, "Take it." The group ran off the platform, but I lingered behind. Rick thanked the doctor, voicing how grateful he was, but Jenner just shook his head, "The day will come where you won't be."
Rick took a step back and I held my hand out to thank him myself. Jenner took my hand but pulled me into a sudden hug. Despite my surprise, I managed to get my arms around him and pat his back.
"I don't want to kill the hope in your eyes, but I have to warn you. I have to give you a heads up." Jenner whispered in my ear. "We're all infected, Tori. This thing is in all of us. Even if you die from an unrelated cause… you'd come back as a monster. As one of them."
I stumbled back out of his arms in shock. He gave me a sad look and I wondered if he could see hope left in my eyes. I didn't feel it. The others were yelling, but I was stuck.
"Tori!" Glenn called out. Rick grabbed me by the back of my bag and yanked me towards him. I nearly fell over, but Rick kept me on my feet tugging me along. Glenn yelled again, "Hey, we've only got four minutes left! Come on!"
"Come on, Jacqui!"
"I'm staying! I'm staying, sweetie!" We all stopped and watched as Jacqui backpedaled away from T-Dog. He tried to grasp her again, but Jacqui shook her head and wrapped her arms around herself tightly. Jacqui was crying silently, "I won't be like Jim or Amy. There's no time to argue, you have to go. Just leave!"
She walked away, back to the platform where Jenner stood next to Andrea who shook her head sadly as well. Dale called out to her, but she ignored him. He jogged to the platform waving for us to leave, "Just go!"
Rick started to tug on me again by my bag, "But the others—"
"They made their choice! Let's go!" Shane barked and helped Rick round us up the stairs as quickly as possible. It took a couple minutes to get up the dark staircase and it led up into the front reception area we had all originally come into. The door was locked down with more metal gates and Daryl was hitting the windows with an axe to no avail. It only left small scratches.
Shane and T-Dog joined him, but no matter what they hit the glass with nothing worked. Axes, chairs, shotguns. Nothing could break through the tempered glass of the CDC.
"The glass won't break?" Sophia asked with her voice quivering in her soft voice.
I took her small hand and she looked up at me. Swallowing my own fear, I gave her a reassuring smile, "Hey don't worry. We'll figure this out."
She squeezed my hand tightly as Carol walked forward to Rick digging through her bag, "Rick, I have something that might help!"
"I don't think a nail file will do it, Carol." Shane scoffed.
"Your first morning in camp, when I washed your uniform, I found this in your pocket." Carol pulled out a grenade and all eyes widened at the sight. Rick took it and yelled for everyone to get down. Carol ran back over to us and Sophia wrapped her arms around her. I pushed them behind me and tried to cover them best I could.
The grenade went off and it turned my brain to fuzz. Lori helped Carol get up and I stood trying to shake the ringing out of my head. I stumbled in place when a hand wrapped around my wrist and tugged me forward.
"Come on!" Daryl barked and dragged me through the shattered front window. One of the straps of my bookbag had slipped off. Everyone was racing to the cars across a lawn covered in dead walkers and a few that stumbled around reaching for our group. "Catch!"
He tossed me his second axe and I caught it with ease before swinging the end of it as hard as I could into the closest walker's face. It went down hard and my bag slipped off the other arm so it hit the ground and was only wrapped around my wrist. I tried to tug the axe out of the skull of the walker in a military uniform, but the blade wouldn't budge.
"What're you doin'?!" Daryl yelled and grabbed me. My hand slipped off the axe and the bookbag stayed on the ground where it had fallen.
"Wait, Daryl!"
Lori yelled something out, I could faintly hear it, but Daryl was dragging me to the cars. I fought against his grip, "My bag! Daryl, my bag we left my—"
Daryl whipped around to look at me, "It doesn't matter, sunshine! We gotta go." I took a shuddering breath. "We gotta go!"
I nodded and we raced to the truck just as Dale and Andrea jumped over a wall of sandbags. Daryl didn't bother trying to open the door and instead pushed me against the front tire, on the side of the truck away from the CDC and threw himself over me. Seconds after I felt Daryl press his chest against me the building exploded. The ground beneath us shook and the air around us filled with heat.
Finally, all I could hear was the ringing in my ears. Daryl pushed himself up, he kept his hands on the top of my head, but after peeking over the hood of the truck he helped me up. I stared over the hood at the smoldering and burning pile of debris that was once the CDC. The lawn was covered in flames as well, some of the putrid, rotting bodies burning. Only worsening the smell in the air. My eyes drifted across the area until they landed on my half-burned bag. I glanced down at myself. All I had now was the clothes on my back and the knife resting in my boot.
The good news of that revelation though? The IDs were gone. It was all gone. All the evidence of what my life once was. Gone. It was burning in a small pile outside the CDC.
Maybe this was the best scenario for me. An easy way for me to say goodbye to the criminal evidence that I hadn't been able to figure out on my own. Fate had taken that decision out of my hand.
Maybe I wasn't the best person before, but this could be my new leaf.
Maybe this could be my new life.
Victoria, Tori, Smith. The makeshift doctor of this small group.
"You alright?" Daryl questioned.
I nodded, "I am. Thanks, Daryl."
He nodded and the two of us got into the truck while Dale and Andrea ran to the RV. The convoy began to drive away, to find a temporary shelter away from where we were. I stared at the smoke that rose from the ashes of the CDC. My thoughts were already drifting back to that last moment in the main room.
Everyone was infected.