Chapter 2: Kidnapping is Such a Harsh Word
"Che," she scoffed as they walked down the street. "Can't believe ya kidnapped me," she said.
"Oi, kidnap's such a harsh word," he replied.
"What d'ya call it then?"
"Told you; we're playing hooky. No one's kidnapping anyone," Gintoki clarified.
"Huh," Tsukuyo rolled her eyes. "So...what do people do when they're 'playin' hooky'?" she asked.
"In Yoshiwara? What'd you think?" he chuckled, looking over at a bar with explicit imagery on the front.
"Oi!" she blushed, indignantly at him.
"No bars, don't worry, tayuu. I don't have a death wish. But it's not my fault there's nothing but bars and cabaret clubs here."
"T...there's other stuff. Like the cafe earlier."
"Yeah, and that's closed for today now."
"That's ya fault."
"Who opens up a cafe in Yoshiwara? Well, I guess people have to eat," Gintoki shrugged. "But unless you really wanna go to a strip club, let's go up," he said. He'd led them to the elevators that led to the surface and she sighed.
"Fine," she agreed.
There was a park not too far from the entrance to Yoshiwara so they meandered their way around it for a while. Tsukuyo was walking by his side, quite close to him and he was itching to tease her about it, but he didn't.
She seemed to always shy away from any contact with him like a nervous school girl and though at times it was admittedly adorable and it was certainly funny, he never wanted to make her uncomfortable. But in the last few months she'd been different, especially since her friend Hotaru had left Yoshiwara, Tsyukuo had invited him around more than once. Sometimes with the pretext of work only for them to end up wandering around and simply talking. Another time it had been to help Seita with his homework again and to babysit the boy as Hinowa had been at a meeting with the women of the town and she herself had been working. But it usually always ended up being just him and Tsukuyo.
"Huh?" Gintoki looked across the park and saw Katsura walking with Elizabeth at his side and a young blonde woman in a kimono. As Gintoki and Tsukuyo neared the samurai, the woman smiled at him and then left. "Yo, Zura," Gintoki said, lazily.
"Zura ja nai, Katsura da!" came the usual reply as the samurai turned to face his friend.
"Oi...was that Ikumatsu? You two finally pounding the pavement together, eh? I knew it, you've always been into married women and widows..." Gintoki grinned, smugly.
"I...it wasn't her...it...it was a different woman...I..." he stammered, pointing at the woman who was now too far away to hear them.
"That so? You're two timing her? That's not like you..."
"I keep telling you, there's nothing going on between us! S...she was giving me pointers on making ramen...that's right, that's it," Katsura yelled at him.
"So it was Ikumatsu?"
"No!"
"Oh, really? Maybe I should start calling you 'two timer Zura'," Gintoki drawled.
"Two timer Zura ja nai, Katsura da!" Katsura said, angrily and then blinked when he saw Tsukuyo standing beside his friend. "Oh? Looks like I'm not the only one pounding the pavement with someone, eh, Gintoki? Is this a date? How long's it been since you went on a date? Not since the war, I bet. Women only went for your naturally wavy hair since all the other men were at war and they didn't have much to chose from. In peace time, no woman wants a man with wavy hair."
"Oi! That's low. Don't bring my hair into this!" Gintoki yelled.
"Women like men with long, straight hair," Katsura continued and ran a hand through his luxurious hair.
"Stop gloating, you damn long haired idiot! Women like you 'cause they think you're a woman too and they trust you, y'know! With hair like that you could should call yourself Zuretta!"
"Zuretta ja nai, Zurako da...err...wait...Katsura da!"
Tsukuyo sighed, exasperated at their ridiculous conversation.
"And there's plenty of women that like naturally wavy hair!"
"Liar," his friend retorted, childishly. "They take pity on you, poor thing. And then they laugh at you behind their backs."
"Oi! Where'd that come from? That's just cruel! I'll kill you. You wanna die, huh?" Gintoki drew his wooden sword and swung it at Katsura who leapt backwards out of the way.
"Oi, ya gonna have the police arrestin' ya if ya fight in public," Tsukuyo muttered.
"Who cares? This is a matter of pride!" Gintoki replied.
"Oi, oi, Gintoki, I can't be arrested, I can't afford any bad press for the Jouishihi," Katsura said. "We need money, not a bad reputation."
"Says the terrorist and bomber!" the silver haired samurai scoffed.
"Former bomber!"
"Once a bomber always a bomber. I bet you even bomb photos too, don't you? That's just despicable," Gintoki taunted him.
"Why is bombin' photos worse than actual bombing?" Tsukuyo asked.
"That's a dirty, rotten lie! I've never once ruined a single photograph...unless it's to do with the Shinsengumi!" Katsura yelled. "Then there's no limit to how low I'd stoop if it was to ruin them!"
"That's worse," Tsukuyo mumbled.
"Speaking of the Shinsengumi," Katsura began in a much calmer tone. "I have this present for them, I'm trying to make peace with them," he said, pulling out a small box. "I call it the white flag...of DEATH," he added, grimly.
"Oi! What's with that face? What's with the voice? A white flag of death? That's an oxymoron! Is that a bomb?! It's a bomb right? Are you serious?! That's a Trojan horse of death, you idiot! You used to read books and hunt beetles when we were kids, where did we go wrong?! Were all those book you used to read about making bombs and you were always this messed up? Were you always secretly a bomb crazy moron?!" Gintoki leapt back away from the box, pointing his sword at the samurai.
"I'm making peace with them," his friend said.
"Turning them into pieces doesn't mean making peace!"
"Who said anything about turning them into pieces? It's one of the principles of bushido to be compassionate towards mankind. I'm just compassionately sending them a present. What happens afterwards has nothing to do with me," Katsura said, still with a look of evil on his face.
"Your face is the opposite of compassionate right now! It's evil! It's the face of evil!"
'Death to the Shinsenguimi,' Elizabeth's sign read and Gintoki blanched at reading it.
"I didn't hear any of this," Gintoki said, putting his wooden sword back into his sash and turning around, walking away. "I don't know anything about any of this. I didn't see anything. Not a thing. We just wanted to go for walk," he said, putting a hand on Tsukuyo's shoulder and leading her away. "We didn't see anything, nope not a thing, eh, Tsukki?"
"So you won't help me with operation white flag?" Katsura asked.
"Didn't hear anything. No one's talking right now. It's just the wind. It's my imagination," Gintoki mumbled.
"That's alright, I'll give you a brief mention as an associate to the Jouishihi when this ends up on the morning news..."
"I'm not your associate! Don't drag me down with you!" Gintoki spun around and glared at his friend. "I don't want anything to do with your shady, blowing things up business..."
"Till next time, Gintoki!" Katsura yelled and then, Elizabeth leapt into the air and hovered. The samurai jumped onto his back and then they flew away, "Wish me luck!" he added.
"What is that thing? A plane?" Tsukuyo asked, staring at the white form of Elizabeth as it soared further away.
"Who knows?" he mumbled back. "He was totally on a date, wasn't he?" he asked.
"Err...dunno...maybe," she replied.
"I knew it."
As they made their way down one of the busy shopping streets of Edo one of the shopkeepers called out cheerfully to Gintoki, waving him over.
"It's finished!" the old man declared, practically jumping around with glee.
"What? Your sanity?" Gintoki asked, dryly but the man shook his head, still smiling.
"Your friend's present!" he said. And then held out a was a large silver screw with a beautiful bird moulded on the end and a ribbon tied around it.
"A...screw?" Tsukuyo blinked at it, confused.
"It's for Tama," Gintoki explained. "Kagura and Shinpachi said she should have a birthday like everyone else, so we decided that the day we found her freaky, dismembered head in the trash is her birthday."
"Oh."
Gintoki reached out to take the decorated screw from the shop keepers hand but the man moved it away.
"What?"
"I'm not a charity," he said.
"Oi, oi, that's stingy! I fixed your door last month, can't we call it quits?"
"Your little red haired friend broke the door in the first place," the man replied.
"And I fixed it, so what's the problem?" Gintoki grumbled and grimaced when the man just stared at him. "Fine!" he yelled. "But money is the root of all evil, y'know!" he said, pulling out his wallet.
"No, it's how I pay the rent," the man replied, snatching the money from Gintoki's reluctant hand.
"Ah...I forgot about the rent...damn," the samurai muttered to himself.
A golden hair piece on a worktable had caught Tsukuyo's eye while Gintoki was arguing with the vendor and she picked it up. It was elaborate and had crescent moon shapes on it with beads hanging off it.
"Ah. That ones not finished yet, miss," the vendor said, "I have to file down the end, it's still too sharp."
"That's fine," Tsukuyo said, "Means I can use it as a weapon."
"Not everything has to be a weapon," Gintoki sighed.
"Then what's the point?" she asked, genuinely.
"That's how you justify buying girly things, huh?" he grinned.
"I...it's not girly!" she yelled at him.
"It's jewellery."
"It's a weapon!" Tsukuyo rationalised, clutching the kanzashi hair stick.
"Women like jewellery, sir," the vendor said in a sing-song voice.
"What? You would say that! You think I'm paying for that, too?" he scoffed at the man who just stared expectantly at him. "You're such a thief," Gintoki grumbled, slapping more money into the smug man's hand.
"Eh? I can..."
"Whatever, it's already paid for," Gintoki mumbled, glaring at the vendor.
"You good for nothing, perm head!" Otose yelled from across the street. She was coming from one of the other shops when she'd seen them and was now running towards them.
"Uh-oh," Gintoki swallowed.
"What?" Tsukuyo asked.
"Run," he said. He grabbed her hand and ran off even as she blushed at the contact.
"Pay the rent!" Otose screamed at him as they ran.
"That was fun," he said as they caught their breath some time later.
"Ya could just pay her the rent ya owe," Tsukuyo said.
"What's the fun in that? Least I didn't drop this," he said, checking to see if the present for Tama was still inside his yukata, which thankfully it was. "Who'd have thought an old hag could run so fast," he grumbled.
"Seems like you both had fun," Tsukuyo remarked.
"Fun? I was running for my life!" he said and she shrugged. "Argh, whatever, at least we lost her," he said. "What? What're you looking at?" he asked. She'd turned around and was staring curiously at the theatre. "What? It's just the theatre," Gintoki said.
"Never been," she remarked.
"That's 'cause all you do is work, work, work," Gintoki drawled.
"Well...we're here now," she mumbled and he shrugged. They walked closer to the building and stared at the movie posters.
"Pick one," he said.
"I don't know anything about..."
"Doesn't matter, just pick one."
"Fine...that one," Tsukuyo pointed at one of the posters at random.
"I'm a boy at heart," he said to the woman sitting in the ticket booth, "I'll take a kids' ticket...so will she. She's trying to get in touch with her inner child."
"Erm...that doesn't mean anything sir, you're both adults, you need adult tickets," the woman said.
"Why? Is it an 'adult only' type of movie?" Gintoki asked.
"That doesn't matter!"
"So it is?"
"Sir, please just pay for the tickets, there's a queue behind you," the woman sighed.
"Fine. That never works," he sighed.
"I...I'll pay," Tsukuyo said, blushing.
"Even better. But why?" Gintoki asked. She didn't answer as she paid for the tickets and practically dragged him into the theatre.
"Why'd you pick such a sad movie?" he complained as they left the theatre. "And how come you were the only one in there not crying?!" he asked.
"It wasn't that bad and you said just pick anything. I didn't know it was a sad movie," Tsukuyo defended.
"It was kinda miss-sold," he remarked, looking at the poster on the wall of the film they'd just seen. "It looks like such a happy, stupid poster...but it's a tear fest in there I tell you! I mean, who would've have thought the guy'd whole family would leave him and he'd turn to a life of crime and then try to atone for it and end up being responsible for his family's deaths?"
"Oi!" the long line of people waiting to watch the movie after them complained and threw things at him.
"No one asked for spoilers, you jerk!" someone yelled.
"I'm doing you a favour, you idiot! Don't go in there! You'll come out feeling depressed and moody!" Gintoki yelled back.
"We know it's a sad movie! You should've read the summary before watching it!" someone else shouted.
"Who does that? Everyone just chooses a film from the poster!" gintoki cried and dodged the rest of the projectiles including a brick, various chocolate bars, some shoes and a box a of popcorn which he caught happily. "Ooooo free popcorn," he grinned.
"I'm picking the movie next time," he said, tossing the now empty popcorn box into a rubbish bin as they meandered around a different park.
"Fine," Tsukuyo shrugged.
"I'm hungry, you hungry?" he asked, walking off suddenly to a colourful stall selling takoyaki.
"What?" she blinked but followed him anyway. "Ya just ate all that popcorn," she said.
"You gotta try this," Gintoki said, sounding as excited as a child. "Saya here makes the best takoyaki in the world," he explained. "Thought you were on holiday," he said to the woman behind the stand.
"I was, now I'm back," she said, smiling at him. She was relatively young, with black hair and bright eyes.
"'Bout time. No one makes takoyaki like you do, Saya."
"Who's your friend?" she asked, pursing her lip at his compliment and handing him a generous portion of food, making his eyes light up.
"Tsukuyo," he said, with a mouthful of takoyaki. "Saya," he said to Tsukuyo. "Here," he held out one of the battered dough balls balanced between the chopstick, "Say ahhhh," he said.
"Eh? Why would I say...mmmmffff..." Tsukuyo blinked, stunned when he shoved the food into her mouth.
"Close enough," he shrugged.
"Wha' was that for? I could'a choked!" she said, indignantly after she chewed and swallowed the food.
"You're fine," he waved a dismissive hand, "And it was worth it wasn't it?"
"Grrr...fine, yeah...it was good," she admitted.
"Good? It's better than good, it's the best! How's business?" he asked Saya.
"Booming," she replied, "Whatever you and your friends did worked a treat so I can actually afford to pay you for the work now if you..."
"Are you kidding?" Gintoki said, still eating, "This is waaaay better than money."
"You want to be paid in takoyaki for life?" she chuckled.
"Only if you've made it."
"Okay then," Saya said, shaking her head. "Oh, here," she said, giving Tsukuyo her own tray of food. "He's probably not gonna share anymore with you," she explained.
"Oh...thanks," Tsukuyo nodded, gratefully.
"So what'd you do for her?" Tsukuyo asked after they'd finished eating and walked around the park again.
"Nothing much," he shrugged. "Just helped her advertise her business a bit. Some big shot corporation forced her out of her old place so we gave her a hand setting up her little stall there and got her some customers. She didn't have any money at the time to pay us so she'd always pay us with takoyaki. At least we'll never starve," he laughed.
"Sounds like she got the short straw," Tsukuyo scoffed and he shrugged.
They stopped and looked up when they suddenly heard a loud cry from above.
"Gyaaaaah!" Sa-chan cried, leaping down from a tree aiming to kick Tsukuyo.
Tsukuyo simply took a step to one side and the ninja kicked Gintoki instead. They landed in a heap and he threw her off, clutching at his head where she'd just kicked him. Her glasses had fallen off during the fall and she clutched at her head, waiting for the dizziness to stop.
"Oi!" he cried, "Why me?!"
"Gin-san!" the ninja exclaimed, kneeling on the floor and bowing her head in apology. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I wasn't aiming for you." Because her glasses had fallen off she didn't see that she wasn't actually bowing out her apology not to Gintoki, but to a tree.
"WHY ARE YOU APOLOGISING TO THE TREE?!" Gintoki yelled.
"Eh?" the ninja blinked and squinted at the tree. She reached out a hand and touched the tree, feeling the harsh bark. "Well, it feels like a tree...but Gin-san's p**** is large enough to put the tallest of trees to shame so I thought..."
"WHAAAAAAAT?!" he exclaimed.
"Sarutobi," Tsukuyo sighed. "Put on your glasses," she said, picking up the fallen red glasses and placed them back onto her friend's face.
"Huh?" Sa-chan blinked at the tree and then back over to Gintoki then bowed again. "I'm sorry, Gin-san. It's just the tree was so impressive, I just thought..."
"How could anyone be so big down there you'd think they were a tree?! Well, I guess all guys like to be told they're impressive when it comes to that...BUT WHY A TREE?!"
"And I really wasn't aiming for you, I was aiming for..." she continued, ignoring his indignant comment.
"I don't care where you were aiming you moron, you kicked me in the head!" he yelled at her, waving his fist angrily. "How about I kick you in the head, you damn stalker!" he shouted.
"Yes! Yes! Gin-san, please kick me in the head! Kick me, punch me, tie me up! Your S side turns me on, Gin-san!" she squirmed on the floor and shuffled closer to him on her knees.
"Shut up!" Gintoki yelled, "You pervert!"
"You're both perverts," Tsukuyo remarked, dryly.
"I didn't do anything!" he said, indignantly.
"Oh...what about the time we **** or the night we **** or the morning you ****. Did you forget about that so easily? Am I so easily forgotten? That's fine, that turns me on too. Say you forgot all about me. Humiliate me, Gin-san! I enjoy it!"
"That never happened! None of that ever happened! Like I'd ever do **** or **** or **** with a crazy stalker lady! Gaaaah! You're so annoying! You're such a pain..."
"Pain is good, Gin-san, the more painful it is, the better!"
"SHUT UP!" he screamed at her. "Why are you even here?! Why are you kicking people from trees?! What's wrong with your brain?! Did someone kick you from a tree and give you brain damage? It hurts doesn't it?!"
"When I saw you on a date with another woman, I got angry. The only one allowed to take you anywhere...be it a date or an erotic trip to S&M heaven via the bedroom...is me!" she declared, glaring at Tsukuyo and pushing her glasses to her nose with one finger, menacingly.
"W...who's doing S&M?!" Tsukuyo cried, blushing, pointing at her ninja. "We were just walkin', idiot!" she said.
"For now...but when it gets dark who knows what you're going to do to my Gin-san," Sa-chan replied. "I can't take that risk," she said, standing up and brandishing a kunai at Tsukuyo.
"What risk?!" Tsukuyo yelled, pulling of two kunai of her own.
"Oi, oi," Gintoki said, "As much as a guy loves seeing two hot babes fighting over him, you really shouldn't be..."
"Who says we're fightin' over you?!" Tsukuyo and Sa-chan both yelled at him and he back away, nervously.
"T...then what're you fighting over?" he asked, sheepishly.
"She was aiming f'me, right?" Tsukuyo said, "I 'ave to pay her back."
"I'm defending my right to be the only woman worthy of tying you up!" Sa-chan said.
"Sooo...the idiot stalker is fighting over me...great..." he sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair and meandering his way over to a bench and sat down. "Fine, go nuts you two crazies," he called over to them and rested his head back over the bench and closed his eyes. "Wake me when you're done," he added.
"Some help ya we're," Tsukuyo said some time later. She was standing beside him without a hair out of place, smoking her pipe.
"Like you even needed my help," he scoffed. "The crazy stalker still here?" he mumbled, still with his eyes closed.
"She's gone," she replied, calmly.
"Who won?"
"Called it even," Tsukuyo shrugged, "I kicked her from the tree, so that's that."
"Think I preferred it when I thought you were fighting over me," Gintoki grumbled.
"Idiot," she sighed.
"I seem to attract all the crazies. First Zura then the stalker, what's next?" he said.
"Ya callin' me crazy too?"
"Well...when you're drunk, definitely," he replied seriously and she threw a kunai at him again.
"Why is it always my head?!" Gintoki yelled, pulling the weapon from the centre of his forehead again and threw it away.
"Ya deserved that one," she said, cooly.
"Hmmm," he scoffed.
"It's gonna get dark soon," Tsukuyo remarked, looking up at the darkening sky.
"So what? You gonna turn into a pumpkin at midnight, are you?"
"No!" she cried, "B...but I need t...to get back..."
"Ah, I forgot. You get antsy if you don't work all day. You really are crazy."
"Oi!"
"Fine, fine," he said, pushing himself up off the bench. "We wouldn't want you to turn into a pumpkin. Let's go," he said and they began to make their way slowly back to Yoshiwara.