JMJ

Chapter Nine

False Spring

The race through Gotham felt more surreal than being fear gassed.

Maybe because this actually was real.

With teeth clenched and nearly falling over once or twice, Harley continued to be pulled along by the strong grip of the one person she once had considered her best friend. The suddenness of her appearance still overwhelmed her, and Poison Ivy moved with stealth and finesse that could have rivaled Catwoman's.

When they finally stopped at their destination, Harley found herself seated still in a daze on a chair an indoor garden beneath a skylight looking straight up into the smoggy sky. Her eyes were as round as baseballs and about as large too. Her teeth were still clenched when her mind finally gathered enough competence to think, So how did I start running from the Joker and wind up in Red's possession like a stray cat running from Pr. Milo?

She squinted up at Poison Ivy who threw off her coat and hat and stood a moment relieved to be in the warmth and humidity of the penthouse. She basked like a lizard on sunny-scorched blacktop after a chilly night. Harley already found it too warm for her, but she did not quite feel comfortable enough to throw off her boots and coat and make herself at home in the jungle oasis hidden in the desert of snow, metal, and car exhaust outside.

Ivy handed her a cup of herbal tea. Absently, Harley took it and began to sip from it. Then she pouted up at Ivy.

"Red, I can't stay!" said Harley standing back up again.

"No, you can't," Ivy agreed so quickly that Harley made an "ulp" of surprise. "That's why it's a good thing I caught you when I did."

"But the Joker—"

"He's been watching your place for a while now," Ivy said with a nod.

Harley frowned as she studied Ivy a moment. She sat back down with a huff.

If Ivy knew that, that meant she had been watching Harley's place too.

"You should have known better than to dress up like a Bat if you wanted to steer clear of him," Ivy remarked crossing her arms.

With a roll of her eyes, Harley muttered over the top of her tea, "Does everyone know about that now?"

"Well, you know," Ivy pointed out, not without some sympathy, "you do just look like a harlequin clown with a darker color scheme and a Batman symbol, which I still can't for the life of me figure out why. I mean, you have enough of your own thing without having to rely on people who don't care a thing for you. Not to mention getting in the middle of your ex's bromance."

Harley clicked the roof of her mouth. "Well, when you put it that way…" she said dryly before taking another sip of tea.

As she looked at Ivy again, she noticed what she had almost noticed the first time she studied her. Something about her eyes… they were not normal. Greener. More vivid. Even a pair of rings around them seemed to have a pale elfin green pallor, and as she looked at them this time, somehow it just did not look like eye shadow.

"Say, Red, you wearin' some kind of shiny contacts or somethin'?"

Ivy closed her eyes smoothly, and turned nonchalantly into the greenery a few steps before returning her vision to Harley with a fairy-like cock of her head. She looked a little annoyed. Though, whether it was because she wanted to have her serious grownup girl-talk with Harley or because she wanted to avoid speaking of a complicated and perhaps unpleasant subject more personal to her, was unclear.

"You're not safe in Gotham right now," said Ivy ominously.

Maybe it was the glow of the plant life around her, or how the warm lighting bounced off her bright green outfit, but she seemed to nearly have a green pallor on her whole face and her bare arms and neck.

Harley shrugged. "Yeah, he just sent a letter to me beggin' me back!" she snapped. "He could step in here any minute, and I know you're immune to laughing gas 'n all, but now that he knows that, he'll have somethin' else, and I don't wanna—"

"I sent it."

Harley blinked wide-eyed again.

"…What?" she whispered, not quite certain if she had understood correctly.

"And believe me it took every ounce of strength I had to make it convincing enough to fool you."

"Why?!" snapped Harley standing up again and slamming her tea glass on the nearby countertop; if it had not been for the past friendship between them, she might have just thrown the cup onto the floor in her rage. "You freaked the livin' crap outa me, Red!"

As it was, the tea splashed out onto the counter and onto the floor.

"And besides! Plagiarizing the Joker's work is really gunna get us both in trouble!"

"I didn't sign it," sniffed Ivy.

"But if he's watchin' the place, me bustin' out of my apartment in the middle of the day like that's gunna have him on my keister like no one's business! How could you do this!? You coulda just called or something."

"I was making a point," Ivy insisted. "Besides, if I'd called you then he'd know I did, I'm sure. I'm trying to help you, Harley. It was the only way to get you out so I could talk to you in secret."

"It can't a' been the only way," muttered Harley with a grumpy slouch.

"I was also making a point," Ivy reminded her. "If I hadn't done something, the Joker would have before long and you know it. Someone has to look out for you."

Harley closed her eyes and, in temporary, defeat said quietly, "Thanks, Red."

Ivy smiled.

"Look, Harl, I have everything set up for your escape from Gotham. If we stick together, I'm sure ol' Mistah J will get bored of waiting. He doesn't want to go up against me if he doesn't have to, and the only reason he's giving a spit about you now is because of your Lunabat thing."

"I… I know…" Harley sighed.

Harley swallowed hard as Ivy put a hand gently on her shoulder.

"There's a place all set up in the Everglades. We can ditch this miserable, city-polluted winter and hide out where no one else— not even the Joker— will want to go in after us. Not unless Batman was there too, and if you don't bring Lunabat…"

"I wanted a normal life, Red," Harley muttered.

"You obviously didn't with your new alter ego," said Ivy kindly. "Normal life never satisfies as far as I've ever known. Not when you've already tasted the freedom you have. Getting married, juggling work and home-baked cookies, watching soaps. You'd go stir crazy. I know you too well."

Harley closed her eyes.

Yes, Ivy knew her pretty well.

"I got our tickets and out fake IDs," Ivy went on holding the said-tickets up before Harley's reopened eyes, "All you have to do is say the word and we can be off tonight."

Hollowly, Harley stared at the tickets, and hollowly she lifted her head slowly to Ivy. Her expression turned rather pleadingly then as Ivy gave her smile the gentlest of wry tugs.

"I… I can't, Red," said Harley at last.

"Tell me one good reason why not," said Ivy still keeping calm about it, like an older sister being patient with her younger sister's fancies.

"Well, for one thing , if I get caught we'll both end up in Arkham anyway…"

"Never stopped you before."

"But I'm not just doing Lunabat for a whim, Red, you don't understand."

"You can't be serious."

"I am. You gotta know that otherwise you wouldn't've tricked me into coming out to talk to you," said Harley. "So the Joker's watching the phone line. You'd figure something out. You—"

Harley stopped.

She bit her tongue.

Her eyes went wide a third time as a dawning crashed upon her like a tidal wave.

Poison Ivy might very well have been right. If she stopped being Lunabat and skipped town, the Joker did not care about her, but he did care about the principle of the thing, especially if he could make a joke with it. With Lunabat, the opportunities would be endless for a good Joker-style prank. He would test her. He could be in her apartment right now musing idly over Ivy's fake card with a mug of coffee leftover from the carafe and an oatmeal cookie from the fridge. She could picture so well that lazy amusement he often gave other people's work as though it was piddly compared to his own genius.

Or he could have already made his move.

He would not go after Ivy. Somehow Harley knew that this time he wouldn't be annoyed with Ivy's part. Ivy had only proved a test that he perhaps had been waiting to try out himself but was saved the trouble in that respect— how serious Harley was about the whole Lunabat game. Now he would know.

There'd be no joke in taking it out on Poison Ivy. He would not take it out on Harley physically either chasing her down like an angry, rampaging bear. That would not be his way. If he had been listening to phone calls, he would know who to take it out on to test further Lunabat's sincerity where Red had left off.

"Ronnie!" Harley breathed.

"What?" demanded Ivy.

Obviously, she did not know about Veronica Vreeland's involvement, but the more the thought sunk in, the more Harley knew for sure the Joker would. Of course, he would. He might have known about Veronica before he had known about Lunabat's true identity. He had all the upper crust and top politicians wired for his pleasure, and Ronnie V. had always been a good person for gossip. Not like that playboy boob Bruce Wayne whose head never went past his own nose when it even looked past the first dance with a pretty face before flitting stupidly (practically innocently, Harley always thought) to the next one.

Unless that was only what he wanted people to think, and she did not mean that he was a creep either. Her mind only briefly went to something both Ronnie and her agreed on about someone having to fund Batman, and yet—

She did not have time for that. After all, if it was true, Batman was right and that she was not good at keeping her allies safe like Batman certainly was.

Without another word, Harley made for the door.

Ivy blocked it.

"Get out of the way!" snapped Harley.

"You're making a fool of yourself, Harley," returned Ivy.

"Let me go!"

"There's no way I'm gunna believe you're fighting against this," said Ivy. "We're friends, remember? And what's Batman ever done but get in our way and call us kooks for saving the world!"

"I don't have time for this," Harley growled back.

"We could save the world together. If you don't want to go back to the Joker's crimes, I respect that. In fact, I always wanted that! And now that you finally took my advice you just jumped on the back of another unfeeling creature. If you don't want us to steal without cause, I'll make sure we have money from those who deserve to pay for their crimes, but you can't go out there and run into the Joker's arms!"

"You kill people, Red!" Harley roared so loud that the neighbors surely heard it half way down the street.

The silence that followed was more deafening still. At first, Ivy looked horrified. Then she frowned. Then she raised a brow, and she crossed her arms with an unimpressed pout.

"Never stopped you from Mistah J."

Harley groaned.

"Joker. Batman. You're losing it," said Ivy. "You have to stop following around large, powerful, egotistical men who—"

"What? So I can follow around large, powerful, egotistical women?" demanded Harley.

Had Ivy been Medusa her snakes might have quivered at that one as her emerald eyes flashed with power that might have easily turned a person into stone. She had turned enough people into trees to have earned such an expression.

"You think this has to do with gender issues?" Ivy hissed.

Harley cringed. Not so much because she was afraid of Ivy, but because she had hoped to talk gently to Ivy to keep their friendship long enough to maybe, kinda, sorta, hopefully, get through to her someday to get her on her side instead. She knew that no matter how tactful, no matter how much finesse, Ivy would be one of the most difficult people of all to sway. It almost choked her to think that she had allowed herself to hope. It was as useless as talking to Jonathan Crane, and obviously more of an emotionally dangerous issue for Ivy even if they were both just as stubborn and focused on their false crusades.

Harley's heart ached for the lost opportunity to at least try.

She shook her head.

She had to go warn Veronica and Pierce.

She did not have time to waste with Ivy either way anymore than thinking about Batman at the moment. Veronica had been her responsibility. Harley had been the older sister and she had been so careless. Even Ivy had been more prepared for her friend's sake. Harley had been a terrible friend.

Looking at Ivy again, she bit her lip.

Ivy was apparently trying to gather her own thoughts as she stared Harley down like one lion into the eyes of one younger and stupider that had crossed a line of territory that she should not have.

Again Harley reached for the door.

This time, it was a little bit of fear that caused it as she felt the tenseness of the room grow tighter. The very air was vibrating with it. The vines and leaves seemed to shake with it. If Harley was in anyone else's indoor garden she might have thought it was a trick of the light or a squint from her eyes from the stress of the moment, but this was the lair of Poison Ivy. Her babies felt their mama's pain more than Bud and Lou ever could have.

Just as Harley touched the knob, the angry kids struck. Without warning, she felt one grab her ankle. Even Ivy looked a little surprised at first as it suddenly whipped Harley onto the floor.

"Ooff!" moaned Harley, but she was soon screaming as the vines pulled her nearly upright in the presence of plant-mama and towards its hungry Venus-fly-trap-on-steroids-type jaws.

"Call them off, Red! Call them off!" Harley shrieked as she tried to kick her way free.

Hardly in a hurry, Ivy patted the side of the green mouth and soothed it with soft coos, but it was too slow for Harley who, in her flailing, kicked Ivy in the shoulder back a few paces and into counter.

The coaxing had the vines loose enough for Harley to manage slipping through, regardless, before the plant got angry again.

Ivy growled.

Harley gave a sort of karate pose as she saw the fire blazing in Ivy's eyes. It was not as much for herself as it was for the plants that Harley had made her knock into, and she was more than prepared to lash out against such a person even her long-time friend.

Harley gulped.

"Red, I'm sorry, I—"

But there was no reasoning with Ivy now. Besides, Ivy knew now what Harley thought of her. She knew she had no power over Harley, and more than that she knew that Harley could no longer be her younger sister. Perhaps, she did not know, though, that Harley still loved her like an older sister as she bounced back with her full acrobatic skill in place despite her coat and boots still on. At least she had changed into casual sweats and a long-sleeved T-shirt and out of her work clothes before she had been made to run off without true cause.

Their fight was short, and Ivy did most of the kicking and punching, while Harley performed most of the monkey leaps and lemur swoops. In the end Harley just wanted it to stop. She had a more normal plant— a sweet untampered-with azalea. She held it before the window like a baseball pitcher with full indication of what she would do to it through the window if Ivy did not stop.

Ivy did stop, and she snorted through her nostrils like a bull.

"You. Wouldn't. Dare!"

Harley was nearly in tears as she held her position firmly. She looked up only for a second, and it was a very fruitful second as she noticed that one skylight panel of the window complex was open just the slightest crack. Perhaps it was for airflow. It was not as cold outside as it sometimes was, and this kind of newer tacky apartment could mold easily with how tightly it was manufactured in like a box and how humid Ivy kept the place.

"Harley!" snapped Ivy.

Harley gulped back to Ivy. "Please, just let me go. I have to save someone. Please. It's all my fault she's in trouble now. Please. Please."

Ivy bristled. Then she calmed suddenly, and that made Harley more unnerved than any form of bristling. She was trying to think of a way to trick Harley still, and Harley just could not deal with it anymore. She was more afraid of what the Joker was going to do than what Ivy might do later. Their friendship might just be unfixable now. She should just throw the plant onto the ground and escape while Ivy screamed.

No.

She had a better idea.

She suddenly, gently, and nearly playfully tossed the plant to Ivy.

"Catch!"

Ivy caught it just barely, and as it was neither a compliance with Red nor a murder of one of her plants, it caught Ivy rather off guard long enough for Harley to climb up some tropical looking bough to reach the skylight.

"Harley!" called Ivy once having blinked her way out of her stupor.

Harley did not answer, and even as the vines tried to snatch her again, she pushed up the window and jumped out. The chill air kept the plants from pursuing, and Harley slammed the window shut leaving Ivy to coddle her plant and comfort it as she glared out the window after Harley making her way onto the next roof.

Good thing Harley had her Lunabat suit in her duffle still strapped over her shoulder.

#

"Hmm…mmmph…nnng?…lllllllng…nyeee!…grnph…blyaaa…" said a pair of flexible lips dancing like red Flubber over a set of large glossy-yellowed teeth.

Then the lips parted and spread out from its musing into a wide grin like the perfectly dentally straight emoticon.

"Y'know, it's funny how these wealthy philanthropist types always have such unphilinthro-taste in art," said the Joker as he tapped his chin; his nose was just an inch from a painting glorifying some useless ancient war or other. "At least have charity enough to save the world the stuffiness of it."

Here he reached out a ruby-red gel pen after digging through an evidently very deep and stuffed pocket. Squiggling some bright merry grins over the faces of the over-glorified, Greek-god-like warriors about to storm the heavens with Zeus' lightning rod, he stuck his tongue out with full concentration. The scene transformed into a pending punching match between Pulcinella, Pimpinella and friends by the time he had finished his scribbling.

"But then again…" said the Joker after admiring his work a moment.

He tossed the pen like one flicking away a match after having lit a cigarette. It dinged against an antique ashtray swinging on a tropically decorated ornamental stand.

"Philanthropy is usually just a game of love, war, or politics, anyway."

He shrugged rather bored as the pen burst into an explosion that made both his captives jump, and he yawned as it only popped into a confetti ball that littered the floor with glitter.

Then he grinned again, though much more crookedly as he wrapped his arms behind his back.

"So kids, now that we finished art theory for the day, let's talk about your latest extra credit assignments!"