Trigger warning, character contemplates suicide.
Its been days, almost a week since heading off from the bunker, I'm out of food and only have a little water left.
There's nothing out here, I radioed mom this morning, there was no reply so my radio must still be broken, Raven's tools sit at the back of the rover, I'll try fixing it again soon.
My body shudders, after days of continuous driving I'm exhausted, the radiation effects still haven't healed, they should have, Luna's did but then again she was born a nightblood, mine is artificial.
Streaking past the emptiness of the once full Earth, the rover groans, surviving Primfaya must have taken a toll on it, it also needs charging. I stop and reach for my water bottle, there's only a few sips, I drink it.
Getting out I lift up the solar panels, luckily there's no obstruction of the sun, it'll charge quick.
The heat is overwhelming, I look forlornly at my now empty water bottle, I need to find somewhere with water, there must be someplace I don't believe the whole Earth is barren.
The back of the rover looks enticing, I'm so tired and dehydrated, I'll rest for a while.
After waking to find it raining, I was over joyed, I collected as much as I possibly could and drank maybe just as much, it gave me hope.
I drive faster focused on finding somewhere livable, passing bare trees and dry cracked earth as I go.
Splat. Something flies into the windshield, furrowing my brow I stop and get out, it's green, climbing up the side of the rover I scrape it off, its a bug. Wildlife could mean somewhere to live, I stare at the bug in defeat, I haven't eaten in days and bugs have lots of protein.
Grimacing I bring it to my mouth and eat, it's slimy, I almost vomit but I hold it down, there are more on the grate, choking them down I lean forward, my stomach doesn't agree with the bugs.
A rumbling sound catches my attention, I look up and dread fills me, it's a sandstorm, probably the one I saw on the way to polis. It is bigger and it crackles, rushing back into the rover I pull on the shawl over my face and put on Jasper's goggles, I need to take down the solar panels quick, otherwise the rover will be useless.
Stumbling out again I pry a panel off but the wind is too strong, it carries the panel away.
I wait out the sandstorm in the rover, it takes hours, I think it's the next day when it finally stops. Stepping out I'm almost afraid to see the damage, the solar panels are dead, all are cracked and broken, there's no way I could fix them, by foot it is.
Three days, that's how much longer I lasted, no food, no water and no drive left, I give up.
I lay on the ground for hours, I passed out, my body aches and I feel a persistent stabbing at my arm, turning towards it I scream, barely any sound escapes me but the vulture is scared away by my movements.
A vulture.
Alive and well.
It must have a home, scrambling up I slip on the sand, crawling to a run I chase the animal demanding it take me to its home.
Grasping at jagged rocks on a sand dune, I drag myself up. Hope fades as I see what lies over the hill. Nothing.
Falling back down the dune, anger courses through me, I scream, louder than I think I could.
Hands shaking I reach for my gun, no point in suffering more if I'm going to reach the same end right. I've lost everyone, they can't reach me and I can't reach them, at least if they ever find my body they'll know I didn't suffer.
My finger hovers over the trigger, this is it, all those times fighting for survival, none of them killing me and this is how it ends.
Cawing of the vulture stops me, it floats overhead, it must have a home I insist to myself, with my last burst of energy I push to follow it, mindlessly running.
Spotting another large dune I sigh, if this is it, if there's nothing there, I'm done.
Time slows as I reach the top.
It's not more sand.
Its not empty.
There's trees, green trees, life.
Whispering a thank you to the vulture I raise my gun.
The vulture was delicious, well anything would be delicious after nearly starving to death, I retrieved my things, the radio still lies broken in my bag, while the staff is clutched tightly in my hands.
I pass flowers, pink, purple and blue, then sounds of water draw me to a lake, I haven't bathed in so long, it looks refreshing.
Stripping almost completely I dive in, I feel free, it's so cold but I barely notice too giddy with excitement, running my hands through my matted hair feels so good.
I rub at my arms and legs feeling the sand that caked itself to my body wash off, skimming my body I freeze.
My stomach is bulged, slightly but it is, I have barely eaten for weeks, I should have lost weight, pressing at my abdomen I know what it is, I'm pregnant.
I'm carrying Bellamy's baby, and I almost killed myself and my unborn child.
Its refreshing seeing all these trees as I search the area, I saw a sign a while back, it had the Louwoda Kliron Kru symbol etched into it. There must be a village near by, and seeing how the rest of the valley is untouched I'm hoping it is too.
I almost miss it and would have if not for the vibrant coloured ribbons attached to the trees, it's beautiful.
Until I see them, children, whole families, dead. The radiation still affected the valley, sadness washes over me.
Even though I only found out I am pregnant today the sight of the children make me sick, what if I had given up, what if I killed my child.
"Yu gonplei ste odon"
I settle into the church like building after burning the bodies of the people who once lived in this valley. Hoping to get comfortable as I am now hyper aware of the fact that I am carrying a child, I'm still in shock.
I know its not impossible and the timing fits, that night when we made the list. It seems so long ago.
Grabbing the radio I take it apart, praying that I can fix it, I need to speak to Bellamy or at least my mother, I've had no experience with pregnancy before, I was too inexperienced to understand fully when I started my medical training on the ark and we've not had to deal with any pregnancies on Earth.
I need to tell someone.
So she finally knows, but to be fair to her it all could be explained by radiation sickness, anyway it's all going to change now, she's still going to meet Madi but it might be a bit different, I don't think a baby could survive both Primfaya radiation and the trauma from a bear trap accident. Love Liya xx