As Aziraphale walked up the pristine steps of the Demon Rehoming House, he wondered if this was really such a good idea.

He had only come to Heaven in order to attend a meeting. Afterwards, the other angels had gathered in small groups to talk amongst themselves, and he'd found himself stood on his own, feeling out of place and more like an outsider than ever before. Heaven didn't feel like home to him anymore, it hadn't for a long time. Earth felt like home, and he supposed that, having lived there for the last 6000 years, that shouldn't come as a surprise.

He'd decided not to return to his bookshop just yet, and instead he found himself opening the door to the Demon Rehoming House. He was considering adopting a demon, although 'buying' was really the proper word for it. Demons were expensive to purchase and only the top tier angels could afford one - Archangels and, at a push, Principalities like himself.

Heaven didn't have currency, per say, but every commendation came with a sort of brownie point, and Aziraphale had saved up enough over the millennia that he could easily buy a demon. There wasn't much else that he would want to spend his points on anyway. Points could only be spent on things in Heaven, and he was hardly ever up here. Besides, he would feel silly riding around on one of those hover-boards that were all the rage in Heaven right now, and he didn't like the idea of owning a mobile phone in the human world, let alone one of Heaven's fancy models.

He glanced around as he entered the building. The room was a stark white - like every other building in Heaven - and cold white lights shone down from the ceiling, so bright that they hurt his eyes if he looked directly at them. The walls were dotted with large framed pictures, seemingly the only colour in this clinical-looking place.

The pictures were all photographs of demons, adverts to show the sorts of things that demons could do for their owner - such as cooking, cleaning, and errand running. One picture showed a demon hard at work filing in an office, and the text underneath promised that your demon could save you lots of time and stress by doing the menial tasks that were, quite frankly, beneath you as an angel. Why waste a miracle to perform a boring task or do it manually when a demon could do it for you?

Gabriel was always telling Aziraphale off for being too frivolous and self-serving with his miracle use - they should only be used for the greater good. Aziraphale believed that having a demon to help him with chores around the shop would help him keep his miracle count down, saving him from yet more reprimands.

But it wasn't just about having someone to help him with chores. Aziraphale wanted the company. He liked the idea of having a familiar face around the house, someone to talk to and eat with. He had grown fond of many humans in his time, but their lives were so short, and it always hurt when they inevitably parted ways. He wanted someone who, like himself, was immortal. He wasn't close to any angels, and even Gabriel - who he had the most contact with - felt far more like a boss than a friend.

Aziraphale was desperately lonely.

Despite all of this, the thought of owning a demon had always made him feel uncomfortable. They were essentially slaves to their owners, and slave owning was something Aziraphale had always thought abhorrent. But he told himself that he could give a demon a good home, treat them kindly and gain their trust and friendship. After all, they had been angels once, and they had already suffered so much for their sins.

Another picture showed a demon sprawled on a bed, posing suggestively and winking. Aziraphale blushed, looked away, and then jumped when he realised an angel was stood right next to him.

"Principality Aziraphale! How wonderful to see you! I do hope you're having a lovely afternoon?"

The angel had a smarmy, fake smile plastered on his face, and he showed all the eagerness of a salesperson who desperately wanted to make a sale and thought they had found a sure shot.

"I- er. Yes. Lovely. Hello," Aziraphale said, smiling awkwardly in return.

"I don't believe we've had the pleasure of providing you with a demon before? Correct me if I'm wrong..."

"Oh! Er. No. You're right."

"Lovely - a first time buyer! Well don't you worry, we can find the perfect demon just for you. You'll wonder how you ever managed without one!"

"Oh! I'm not- I mean, I was only thinking about it."

"Of course. Of course. Just window shopping. That's absolutely fine! Now, let me introduce you to some of our demons - they can be difficult to resist!" He laughed loudly. "That's just my little joke! I'm known around here for being a bit of a joker! It's just my way. Now come along and meet some of our demons. It will be fun. No pressure!"

Aziraphale found himself being steered down a corridor.

"You're stationed on Earth, yes?"

"Yes. Soho. London."

"We can deliver to Earth, no problem."

The assistant plucked a leaflet from a table as they passed and handed it to Aziraphale. On the cover it said, 'Demons! A beginner's guide!'

"There's a lot of useful information in there," said the assistant, "and if you purchase a demon, you'll also receive an owner's manual. But don't worry about that, you already have a head start on most new owners."

"I do?"

"Of course! You've spent lots of time around humans, yes? Well, demons need to sleep, eat and drink to keep their physical bodies going just like humans do. Without their demonic powers they are as weak and helpless as humans."

Aziraphale tucked the leaflet into his pocket. He did know a lot about humans, so looking after a demon should be easy enough. He certainly wouldn't have to worry about forgetting to feed them. He enjoyed his meal times, and he was looking forward to having someone to share them with. Perhaps one day, when his demon had settled in and they had become good friends, they could even go out to eat – maybe even to the Ritz! Aziraphale felt a rush of excitement at the thought of it.

The angel started to unlock a door. "Most angels who have a base on Earth have a demon – Gabriel, Michael, Uriel - I'm surprised you've gone this long without owning one! They really do make life so much easier, you know?"

The door opened, and they stepped into a long and narrow room. A wide walkway ran down the middle, and on either side of that lay cell after cell, each one containing a demon. The cells were small and cramped with metal bars that put Aziraphale in mind of a prison.

Aziraphale stood frozen, more aware than ever that the demons were being held against their will. Although Aziraphale understood why the demons were being punished, this still didn't feel right. Aziraphale would not keep an animal in these conditions, let alone a person. These cells were too small. Aziraphale wished he could buy each and every demon, and give them somewhere safe and comfortable to live. But he knew he could only afford to buy one of them.

The assistant didn't seem to notice his discomfort. "Go on then! Feel free to browse! Are you looking for any qualities in particular in your demon?"

"Um. I don't know. A male one?"

"Oh, you can alter their genitalia to your whim."

"A demon that identifies as male then," Aziraphale said, feeling embarrassed.

"We mostly let them choose which gender they would like to be when they get here if that helps?"

Hesitantly, Aziraphale walked over to one of the cells.

Inside was a male demon. He was tall and thin, with what looked like a toad hiding in his white hair. Aziraphale gave him a friendly smile, and the demon looked at him with interest.

"Hello," said Aziraphale cheerfully. "I'm-"

The demon sprang towards Aziraphale, growling and snarling as he tried to claw at him through the bars.

Aziraphale staggered back as the assistant used his powers to throw the demon back against the wall and hold him there. The demon was laughing.

"Sorry," said the assistant to Aziraphale. "Hastur has always been a bit troublesome. He definitely needs an experienced owner!"

The assistant glared at Hastur, but the demon just smirked back despite still being pinned to the wall.

"You're on half rations for the next month!"

Hastur's face fell.

"Oh, don't deprive him of food," Aziraphale said.

"It's the only way he'll learn."

The assistant turned away from Hastur, and the demon dropped to the floor, no longer held in place by a miracle. Hastur grumbled to himself as he got back to his feet.

Aziraphale looked at Hastur over his shoulder, wondering if he might be able to help him become a kind and contented demon if he adopted him, but Hastur was giving him a predatory look, and was clearly violent, so Aziraphale decided it would be best not to risk it. Hastur scared him.

"Do you have any friendlier demons?" Aziraphale asked.

The angel smirked. "Oh, they're all friendly when it comes down to it, if you know what I mean."

Aziraphale's eyes widened. "I didn't mean it like that! Good grief! I just meant that I want a demon that won't try to rip my arm off at the first opportunity!"

Aziraphale could feel his cheeks going red. The angel clearly thought he wanted a demon for sexual purposes – after all, he had caught him looking at the saucy demon advert, and Aziraphale had specifically asked for a male demon.

In truth, Aziraphale had always rather liked the idea of being seduced by a demon. They had a reputation for being nymphomaniacs, and he had assumed that most demons would jump at the chance to have sex with an angel. Aziraphale had never had sex with anyone before, and he was both frightened and excited at the thought of it.

He had never been friendly enough with any angels to experiment sexually with them, and most angels didn't bother to miracle up a sex drive for themselves anyway. He didn't want to do it with a human either. They seemed so young, their lives gone in the blink of an eye, and he already struggled with getting attached to them as it was.

But a demon would live forever, just like him.

There was something dangerous about demons, but at the same time, Aziraphale could perform miracles while they couldn't, so he knew he would be safe. Or at least, that was how he'd felt before he'd met Hastur.

Aziraphale was starting to realise that a lot of his assumptions about demons were incorrect. Hastur had been far more interested in attacking him than flirting with him, and going by how the staff here treated their demons, Aziraphale wasn't surprised by Hastur's bad attitude. He felt pity towards these demons.

"Let's find you something a little meeker," said the angel. "I think I've got just the demon for you! Follow me, Principality Aziraphale."

Aziraphale was led to a cell a short distance away.

Sat huddled at the back of the cell was a demon with long, wavy, red hair. He hissed at them immediately in what Aziraphale assumed was supposed to be a threatening manner, but it put him more in mind of a frightened cat.

The demon hissed again.

"Shush, Crawly," said the assistant. "Get up now. Come on."

Crawly didn't budge.

The angel made an annoyed sound and then huffed impatiently.

Crawly got to his feet in jerky movements like a puppet on a string. His eyes were wide and fixed on the assistant. Aziraphale realised that the assistant was controlling his movements.

The spell broke and Crawly staggered back a few steps before just standing there awkwardly, fiddling with the sleeves of his black robe. He glanced at Aziraphale before quickly dropping his gaze to the floor.

Aziraphale found this tall, lithe demon attractive but that was irrelevant. If he were to adopt him, he would never take advantage of the power he had over him. Sex would be the last thing on this poor frightened demon's mind.

Crawly jumped and let out a yelp as his wings sprang forth.

"He's got beautiful wings, don't you think? Pirouette for us, Crawly."

Crawly hesitated, but then he spun himself around once until he was facing them again, eyes still directed at the floor.

"They need us to summon their wings for them," the assistant explained. "They can't do it themselves because they can't access their occult magic. They need our help. Why don't you try to put them away for him with a miracle?"

"Oh. Er. Yes, I suppose I should learn how," Aziraphale said. "Are you ready, Crawly?"

Crawly gulped, and then nodded. He flinched as his wings vanished.

It had felt invasive, and Aziraphale felt guilty for having done it. He took a step closer and Crawly visibly recoiled, so he took a step back. He smiled reassuringly at Crawly, but the demon was still staring at the floor. Aziraphale kept his voice soft and gentle, trying to sound as unthreatening as he could. "It's alright, Crawly. Please don't be nervous. I would never hurt you."

Yellow distrusting eyes glanced up at him before dropping back to the floor.

"Oh, you must be a cat-demon," Aziraphale said, fascinated by Crawly's slitted pupils.

Crawly hunched his shoulders in embarrassment.

The assistant gave an amused laugh. "Oh! No! He's a serpent. Show us your tongue, Crawly."

Reluctantly, Crawly stuck out his forked tongue, but only for a moment.

"Only two previous owners. He's very well behaved – for a demon at least! Would you like to see him naked?"

For a moment, Aziraphale thought he'd misheard him. The question had been asked so casually that he might as well have been asking if he wanted a cup of tea.

The assistant didn't wait for a reply. "Strip, Crawly."

Crawly looked mortified. He gave the assistant a pleading look, before staring at the ground in humiliated defeat. Trembling hands moved up towards the fastenings of his robes at the same time that Aziraphale found his voice.

"No! Don't do that, Crawly!" Aziraphale turned towards the assistant, overcome with rage. "What's wrong with you?! Ordering him to- in front of everyone!"

Aziraphale knew the nearby demons were watching.

The assistant gave him an apologetic smile. "You can look at him somewhere more private if that would make you more comfortable?"

"No, that would not make me more comfortable! How dare you order anyone to- to undress against their will! I don't want to see him in the nude! I don't want a demon for that sort of thing - I told you! I just want someone to help me with chores. That's all!"

"Yes, of course. I apologise."

Aziraphale got the impression that he didn't believe him, but Aziraphale was more worried about Crawly believing him, and he still looked terrified.

Aziraphale glared at the assistant. "These demons deserve basic human rights. I am absolutely appalled by the way you are treating them!"

"Human rights? They're not human. They're less than human. They don't even have souls."

"They're still people! And the way you're treating them is disgusting. And that demon from before - Hastur – don't deprive him of food! I demand to speak to your superior."

"I am the manager of this establishment," the assistant said icily. He was trying to remain polite but he was clearly struggling. "With all due respect, Principality Aziraphale, I know these demons far better than you do, and they require proper discipline. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile."

"I'm going to speak to Gabriel about this," Aziraphale said furiously. "This is outrageous."

The angel looked annoyed, but he didn't seem worried.

Aziraphale looked back at Crawly, who was now stood at the back of the cell watching him warily with his arms wrapped around himself. He looked so small and helpless that it broke Aziraphale's heart. He wanted to look after him. He couldn't just leave him here, where he would be mistreated and then perhaps sold to the sort of angel that would happily watch as Crawly was forced to strip in front of angels and demons alike.

Aziraphale wanted to help all of the demons but he did not have the funds. Besides, the only other demon he had spoken to here frightened him. But he might be able to help Crawly. And hopefully Gabriel would be able to make things better for the others.

"It's alright, Crawly. You can come home with me. I'll look after you and I'm sure we'll become good friends."

Crawly didn't look very happy about this, but Aziraphale was sure that he could gain the demon's trust in time and give him a good home.

The manager was suddenly smiling again, looking very pleased with himself. "You wish to take him?"

"Yes," said Aziraphale coldly.

The manager pretended not to notice his tone. "Come with me then and we'll fill out the paperwork. One of my colleagues will bring Crawly to us afterwards."

Aziraphale signed the last document, and then handed over the paperwork to the manager, who gave him a handbook in exchange.

"Congratulations on your new purchase!" the manager said cheerfully.

The manager left the room, taking the paperwork with him, and Aziraphale wondered if one of the demons was going to be tasked with filing it.

The manager returned moments later with Crawly, who was flanked by two other angels.

Crawly looked pale, and his breathing was coming sharp and fast.

Aziraphale gave him a reassuring smile. "Hello again, Crawly. It's alright. Don't be frightened."

The manager picked up a small wooden box. "Now, we just need to give him his medicine-"

Crawly's head shot up. "Nononono! I already had it a few weeks ago!" Crawly tried to back away but the angels either side of him grabbed hold of him. "No! Please!" Crawly cried out hysterically.

"Maybe we shouldn't?" said Aziraphale, shocked by this quiet demon's sudden outburst.

"Just ignore him. He's kicking up a fuss on purpose," the manager said. "Besides, it's easier to transport them after they've had their medicine, and it's beneficial for you to see what you need to do."

"What I…?"

"Every eight weeks he will need to take one single tablet. Don't leave it any later. After ten weeks their powers will start to come back."

The manager took a tablet out of the box. It was small and round, and perfectly transparent.

"What is it?" Aziraphale asked worriedly.

For a split second, the angel looked at him like he was an idiot. "It's a small, diluted dose of holy water. It's not dangerous for a demon - it just keeps them in check." He returned the pill to the wooden box, and then thrust the box at Aziraphale. "Would you like to do the honours? Or would you rather I did it?"

Overwhelmed, Aziraphale looked at Crawly. The demon was trembling and shaking his head.

Aziraphale turned back towards the manager. "Is this really necessary?"

"Don't let him put you off - he's done this millions of times before. Here, let me show you how it's done. It'll only take a second."

Aziraphale stood there, dithering, unsure of what to do, while the manager went over to Crawly, who was still being restrained by the other angels. He grabbed him by the jaw and forced the capsule into his mouth. He stroked his throat to make him swallow it like he was a dog.

Nothing happened for a moment, and then Crawly's fast, panicked breathing hitched and he let out an ear-piercing scream.

The angels let go of Crawly and he collapsed to the floor, writhing and flailing, then he seemed to lose the power to move or scream and he just lay there, twitching and shivering on the ground. His breathing was laboured and there were tears streaking his face.

Aziraphale stared at Crawly, horrified by what he had just witnessed. He felt ashamed for not having stopped the angels. They didn't even seem to care that they had hurt Crawly.

"Demons, eh? So dramatic," said the manager. "He'll be fine in a few hours. Just let him get some sleep before he starts his responsibilities." He gave Crawly an experimental kick. "In fact, he's asleep already."

Aziraphale was fairly sure he was unconscious.

"We'll escort you to the teleporter next door, and then you can take your new demon back to Earth with you."

The manager gestured to one of the other angels. "Please carry the demon to the teleporter for Principality Aziraphale."

"No, I'll carry him," Aziraphale said quickly. He dropped the box and the manual on the table, rushed forward and scooped Crawly up into his arms protectively.

One of the other angels picked up Aziraphale's things from the table.

As Aziraphale was escorted to the teleportation room and stepped into the light, he wondered how on Earth he was ever going to be able to put Crawly through that again.

End Notes.

You might think that a world which hasn't had demons let loose on it would be radically different to a world where Heaven and Hell have equal influence, and in many ways you'd be right. Heaven have free reign over Earth, or at least, they like to think they do. But humans have always had a strong capacity for both good and evil - and free will - which ultimately means that they do whatever they want.

Adam and Eve still ate the apple without being tempted by Crawly, because humans are nothing if not curious and mischievous.

The biggest differences in this world which never had Crowley's influence are that selfies were never invented, television shows aren't as good, and the M25 is a lovely and pleasant driving experience.