Author's Note: I feel like this chapter could do with a content warning? But I'm not really sure how to explain it without massive spoilers... So I'll put it in the end notes of this chapter in case you want to check. (It's relating to sexual themes)
Later that evening, Aziraphale was alone in the backroom of his bookshop.
He kept his rarest books in here, and also his computer which he had purchased in the 1980s. He mostly used it for accounting and doing his taxes, but today he was very carefully editing a spread-sheet, adding in a few brownie points which he had recently received from Heaven for a job well done.
There was a loud knock on the door.
Aziraphale turned in his seat. He was just about to tell Crowley that he could come in when the door burst open anyway.
Gabriel strode into the room as if he owned the place.
Behind him stood Crowley, drying his hands on a tea towel while staring into the room, utterly fascinated. Crowley hadn't been into the backroom yet. No wonder he looked so intrigued.
Crowley spoke to Gabriel. "Can I get you a herbal-?"
"No," Gabriel said sharply. "You are to leave us undisturbed. Get back to your washing up."
And with that Gabriel slammed the door in his face.
Aziraphale frowned angerily. He wanted to tell Gabriel off for being so rude to poor Crowley, but he knew it would be no use. He didn't want to risk angering his superior, especially now that he had a favour to ask of him.
"Gabriel! Just the angel I wanted to see! I could really do with your assistance."
"Really?" Gabriel puffed up his chest proudly. "What do you need my help with?"
"I've been doing my finances," said Aziraphale, gesturing at the computer screen. "And I'm terribly close to being able to afford a second demon-"
"You want a new demon?! What's wrong with the one you've already got?"
"Nothing," Aziraphale reassured him. "I just thought it would be nice for him to have a friend. And besides, the Demon Rehoming House is an awful place. I would like to help another demon just as I have helped Crowley."
Aziraphale realised that he had accidently used Crowley's new name in front of Gabriel. At first, Crowley had been unsure about using his new name in front of the other angels, but he had recently decided to leave his old name behind completely. He had given Aziraphale permission to share his new name. Aziraphale had intended to explain the change to Gabriel rather than just casually dropping the name like that, but Gabriel didn't seem to have even noticed.
Aziraphale started to explain. "Crawly has changed his name to Cr-"
But Gabriel was already talking over him, anger in his voice. "Are you begging for points? I'm not going to give you a commendation just because of some stupid sob story. You have to earn your points. And quite frankly I'm shocked that you would have the nerve to-"
"No! No! I wasn't- I'd never ask for a commendation. I was rather hoping you might be in a position to lend me some points – if you can spare them. As a loan - which I would pay back as soon as possible."
Gabriel crossed his arms. "Absolutely not."
Aziraphale deflated. "I'm sorry. I just really want to help another demon."
"They're not puppies that need rehoming!" Gabriel scoffed. "It's a terrible idea. You'd be outnumbered. They'd scheme."
"But I really do feel that Crowley would benefit from having another demon here with him. I don't suppose- Maybe you could bring Beelzebub for a visit…"
A look of pure rage distorted Gabriel's features. Aziraphale drew back.
"No!" Gabriel shouted. "They're demons, not children - demons don't get play dates! Don't ask me such a stupid question ever again! I'm not letting you anywhere near Beelzebub!"
"S- Sorry," Aziraphale said quietly.
"Anyway, I didn't come here to listen to this drivel. I have actual news to give you. It's top secret." Gabriel glanced around the room, suspicion in his eyes. He opened the door, peered out into the corridor and then closed it again, looking reassured.
"I don't want your demon listening in. This is for divine ears only." Gabriel drew a chair close to Aziraphale. He sat down and lowered his voice. "It's about… him."
"Who?"
Gabriel made a frustrated noise.
"Oh! You mean Satan-"
"Don't speak his name! The walls have ears!"
"Oh, of course. Terribly sorry. Have they found him?"
"He's been sighted in- What's that bit at the top of this island called?"
"…Scotland?"
"That's the one. It's a horrible place with a terrible taste in fashion." Gabriel paused and gave Aziraphale's tartan bowtie a harsh look. "Too many kilts."
"They don't wear kilts all that much nowadays," said Aziraphale. He quickly changed the subject. "What's he doing there? I thought he was in America."
"He was - last we knew - but he keeps moving around. It's humanity's fault, they keep inventing faster and faster modes of travel. It's a logistical nightmare trying to keep track of his whereabouts. As soon as we think we have him pin-pointed he's off again. But anyway - keep an eye out for him and his little gang of cronies."
Aziraphale tensed. "He has cronies? How many? Are they likely to come looking for me?"
"There's only two or three of them. And no, of course not, they keep as far away from angels as they can. But be careful if you do see them. They rarely use their powers, they're scared of us honing in on them, but if cornered there's no telling what they'll do. Just contact Head Office if you see anything suspicious, then we can finally get them rounded up."
"Thank you for the heads up."
"Needless to say, don't breathe a word of this to your demon. If the rest of the demons learn that some of their kind managed to escape and stay hidden, it'd give them ideas."
"Of course."
Gabriel stood up. "Well, I've got places to be. Miracles to perform. I'll let myself out – No, don't get up."
Before Gabriel reached the door, he turned to face Aziraphale. "And you can forget your idiotic idea of buying another demon - unless you want to turn this place into a zoo."
With that, the door closed and Gabriel was gone.
Aziraphale leant back in his chair with a heavy sigh. After a moment, he made his way to the cabinet where he kept his favourite wines and a collection of crystal wineglasses. Alcohol always helped after an encounter with Gabriel. He poured himself a glass of red, drank it slowly, and then topped it up again before heading into the kitchen.
The washing up had been finished, and Crowley had gone. It was almost dinner time but Aziraphale didn't feel like cooking, instead he thought about getting something delivered.
Aziraphale went in search of Crowley. The demon stepped out of his bedroom just as Aziraphale reached the top of the stairs.
Crowley was wearing a fitted, short-sleeved T-shirt, but Aziraphale could have sworn he'd been wearing a long-sleeved shirt earlier. Perhaps he'd splashed himself whilst doing the washing up. The moment Aziraphale realised he was staring at Crowley's bare arms and narrow waist, he quickly averted his eyes.
"I was thinking of ordering something for dinner," Aziraphale said. "Would you like to come down and look at the menus with me?"
Crowley nodded. He looked uncomfortable, and Aziraphale didn't blame him. Gabriel had that effect on him too.
Gabriel slammed the door closed in Crowley's face, making him jump and drop his tea towel. He knelt down and scooped it up.
The angels were talking in the backroom. He couldn't make out the words until Gabriel raised his voice in surprise.
"You want a new demon?! What's wrong with the one you've already got?"
It felt as though the ground was falling away beneath him, leaving him endlessly falling.
Crowley forced himself to keep quiet, his breaths coming sharp and shallow. Tears blurred his vision. He stepped closer to the door, trying to listen in and find out what he'd done wrong, but their voices were too quiet and he couldn't make anything out. Why didn't Aziraphale want him anymore?
He backed away from the door, entire body trembling. He couldn't breathe.
He dashed upstairs, and then hid under his bed.
From his position on the floor, looking out from his hiding place, he could see his dragon tree. He had been so happy and grateful to receive such a wonderful gift, but now he was going to have to leave it behind. He was going to have to leave everything behind – his clothes, his books, his music player, his garden, every small freedom he had been allowed – all of it. None of it had ever really been his. Everything around him belonged to Aziraphale – even he himself belonged to Aziraphale - and he was going to be traded in like an old used car for something shiny and new. Just like Michael had done.
Michael had sold him in order to buy Ligur. Michael and Ligur had been friends before the Fall, so the moment Ligur came onto the market Michael sold Crowley without a second thought. Crowley had hoped for a better life. He'd been a fool. He hadn't realised how good he'd had it until he was bought by Sandalphon.
Worst of all, Crowley was going to lose his best friend - although he was starting to realise that he and Aziraphale had never really been friends in the first place. Not as far as Aziraphale was concerned anyway. Aziraphale had lied to him, he had promised he would protect him, but instead, he was going to abandon him just like everyone else had done. Just like God had done.
Rage burned in Crowley's chest. He had trusted Aziraphale, he had believed in him. He thought they were friends. He thought Aziraphale liked him. But of course he didn't. He'd been stupid to believe in him. Even God didn't love him, so why would Aziraphale feel any differently?
He was worthless.
Crowley thought of all of the things Aziraphale had done for him, all of the freedom he had given him - letting him fly, watch films, plant flowers, listen to music, choose what he wanted to eat, he had even taken him to parks and cafes. And what had Crowley done in return? All he did was cry and have panic attacks. He thought of all the things he'd done wrong, of all the ways he had disappointed Aziraphale. No wonder he wanted to be rid of him.
He should have done whatever it took to make Aziraphale happy. He should have offered his body to him - he had already been considering it – maybe then Aziraphale would like him. Perhaps that was why he wanted a new demon. He wanted someone who would have sex with him.
But there was still a chance.
If Crowley offered himself now, and if he was really good in bed, then maybe Aziraphale would decide to keep him after all.
Crowley wanted to stay. This was the only place he'd felt safe in 6000 years. He was scared of what his future would be if he was sold back to the Demon Rehoming House, scared of who would end up buying him and what they would do to him.
He'd been planning to offer himself to Aziraphale one day anyway, he'd just be doing it a little sooner than expected, that was all. He wanted to have sex with him. It'd be fun.
And yet, the thought of Aziraphale touching him made his skin crawl. He didn't trust Aziraphale anymore. He hated him, and he hated himself for growing so attached to him in the first place - all Aziraphale had needed to do was show him basic levels of decency and Crowley had immediately thought the world of him. Pathetic.
Crowley didn't want to have sex with him but he knew he would have to if he wanted to stay here. And he did want to stay.
He could do this.
He only needed to use his hands and his mouth – he was good with his mouth. It wouldn't be so bad, he might even enjoy it. Hopefully that would be enough to make Aziraphale change his mind.
The anger he felt towards Aziraphale started to fade. He wasn't being fair to him. Aziraphale had been so kind and patient with him, he treated him like a real person. Aziraphale deserved something in return.
Crowley wiped his eyes dry on his sleeve. It would be okay. He would go to him tonight. Aziraphale wouldn't hurt him, wouldn't force him, he'd be gentle with him. Crowley could take charge and show Aziraphale just how much he appreciated him.
He emerged from under the bed, and then stood in front of the mirror. He took off his long sleeved shirt and then put on something more flattering instead, something tight fitting which showed a bit more skin.
He would make Aziraphale change his mind. It would all be worth it to be allowed to stay here. He would prove that he was worth keeping.
There were footsteps on the stairs, and Crowley tensed. He did his best to compose himself before leaving his room. They met on the landing.
Crowley saw the way Aziraphale looked at his body before averting his eyes in embarrassment. His plan was going to work. He felt both relieved and terrified at the same time.
They went downstairs to look at the menus, and then Aziraphale ordered curry over the telephone.
Aziraphale picked up his empty wine glass. "I'm going to top up my drink. Would you like some wine?"
"Er… please," Crowley said, hoping it might help him to relax.
"Have you had alcohol before?"
Crowley shook his head.
"Ah, well, have a taste of it first and see what you think. You don't have to drink it all if you don't like it. Come along, I keep my best wines in the back room."
Crowley followed the angel into the back room. The space was small and cluttered, and there were books everywhere, some protected behind glass, others littering every available surface.
Crowley was hit with the sudden urge to destroy the books, to rip out pages, to hurt Aziraphale just as he had hurt him. He felt ashamed for even thinking it.
"I think this must be the only room you haven't been in yet," Aziraphale said as he poured their drinks.
He was right, although Crowley hadn't properly been in Aziraphale's bedroom yet. He had barely crossed the threshold when he asked if he could go outside to see the stars. Perhaps, by the end of the night, he would have made it all the way into his bed.
Crowley took the glass of wine that Aziraphale held out to him. The wine tasted sharp and tangy, and he must have pulled a face because Aziraphale let out a laugh and then gave him a fond smile.
"It can be a bit of an acquired taste," Aziraphale said. "You don't have to drink it if you don't like it."
Crowley took another sip. "Nah, it's okay. It was just sharper than I expected."
A wooden box on a shelf caught his eye. He inhaled sharply. It was the box of holy water tablets.
Aziraphale turned and saw what Crowley was looking at. "Oh! Sorry! I'll hide that thing away." The angel scooped up the box and put it in his desk drawer. "You don't have to worry about that horrible stuff anymore."
Oh, shit.
The holy water tablets.
Aziraphale had said he'd never have to take them ever again, but that must be a lie too. He'd been stupid to believe him. Aziraphale must be planning to wait until the day he wanted to sell him. That way he wouldn't have to listen to him cry and beg, he could just give him a tablet – perhaps hidden in his food - and then sell him while he was unconscious without even needing to say goodbye. Any day now, Crowley could wake up in the Demon Rehoming House, never to see Aziraphale ever again. Perhaps he was planning to hide it in the food being delivered in less than an hour. Aziraphale had seemed squeamish about giving him the tablets himself, so it made sense that - instead of force feeding him - he might choose to trick him into eating it.
Or maybe he had asked Gabriel to do it. Perhaps Gabriel would come back on the day Aziraphale wanted to sell him.
Either way, Aziraphale would have to give him the tablet within the next week and a half if he wanted to do it before his powers returned. Time was running out. Crowley didn't have long left to convince Aziraphale to keep him.
He looked down into his wine glass, grateful that a tablet hadn't been dissolved into his drink already or his plan would have been over before it had even started.
When the food arrived, Crowley made sure that he was the one who collected it and served it up, worried that Aziraphale might try to drug his food.
They ate together in the sitting room with the television on, and then, when Aziraphale had finished and Crowley had eaten about as much as he could manage, he took their bowls downstairs and did the washing up.
His heart was racing. He knew what he had to do next.
Once back upstairs, he sat nervously on the sofa, trying to figure out how to initiate this. Usually, the other demons were the ones who started things off, with comforting touches which led to more lustful ones. They would be sat together, with only bars between them, but Aziraphale was sat far away in his armchair. They weren't close enough for innocent touches.
Aziraphale crossed the room and grabbed something from his desk. "Let's finish off this box of chocolates we opened yesterday."
Aziraphale opened the box, and then held it out to Crowley and asked him to take a few chocolates, but instead Crowley took only one and then patted the seat beside him. Aziraphale sat down, a happy smile on his face.
They watched television, side by side. Crowley ate the chocolate he had been given after checking that it didn't have a tablet hidden inside.
Crowley shifted in his seat and let his leg press against Aziraphale's. The angel tensed but didn't move away.
Trying not to think about how his entire future relied on getting this right, Crowley casually reached out and placed his hand on Aziraphale's knee while keeping his gaze fixed firmly on the television.
Aziraphale let out a shocked little gasp.
Crowley turned to look at him. Aziraphale was staring down at his hand – still on his knee - in confusion. Then Aziraphale looked up, and their eyes met.
"I like you a lot," Crowley said.
"Oh? I- Er-" Aziraphale's breath hitched. Crowley's little finger had started rubbing circles on his knee. Aziraphale watched it for a moment before looking back at Crowley again, a bewildered look on his face.
Crowley leant over and kissed him on the cheek.
"Oh," Aziraphale breathed. "I- I didn't know that you- Are you sure you want this?"
"I want you."
Heart pounding, trying not to think too much, Crowley pressed their lips together. Aziraphale didn't kiss him back at first, but then, hesitantly, his lips started to move.
Aziraphale drew back after only a few seconds, clearly embarrassed. "I've- Um. I've never done this before."
At one time, Crowley might have found Aziraphale's shyness endearing, but he was at least grateful that Aziraphale was allowing him to take the lead - it made him feel like he had some sort of control over what was happening.
"It's okay," Crowley said gently, "I'll show you."
Their lips met again, and Crowley moved his hand a little way up Aziraphale's thigh. The angel gasped and then deepened the kiss, grabbing at Crowley's waist and then his thigh. Crowley wanted to push him away.
Aziraphale moaned against his mouth. "Oh, Crowley…"
Crowley hated hearing his name used like that. He wished he'd never shared it with him.
Aziraphale's hand was stroking his thigh, moving upwards, and Crowley was terrified he was going to grab at his crotch and realise he wasn't in the least bit excited. Aziraphale didn't have that trouble - his trousers were already beginning to tent.
Feeling vulnerable and helpless, Crowley scrambled down off of the sofa, needing to escape Aziraphale's hands and his mouth. He kept his head low, trying to hide the tears that had come to his eyes. Crowley pushed Aziraphale's legs apart and knelt between them.
"C- Crowley? What are you-?"
Shaking hands went up to unbuckle Aziraphale's belt. This was fine, he'd done it before. He was good at this. Aziraphale wouldn't want to sell him - not when he realised how good he was with his mouth. But he couldn't unfasten this stupid belt.
"Crowley, are you okay?"
Crowley nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak.
Aziraphale's took hold of his hands, moving them away.
"You don't have to do this," Aziraphale said.
Crowley tried to keep his voice steady. "I want to."
"It's just- You're shaking."
"I'm just a bit nervous, is all. I want to do this. I want to make you happy."
"Oh, Crowley. You don't have to do this to make me happy. I'm already happy. And your happiness is important too. I would never want you to do something you're not comfortable with. I'm so sorry – I should have known this was a bad idea."
It was clear that Aziraphale wasn't happy, or he wouldn't be planning on selling him.
Crowley hid his face as tears started to fall. He tried to wipe them away, but he knew there was no sense in pretending anymore. It was over. He'd failed. He hunched his shoulders and started to cry in earnest.
"Crowley, what's the matter? It's okay, it's okay."
Aziraphale climbed down from the sofa to join him on the floor. He brought a cushion down with him and held it over his lap. He tried to do it casually, but Crowley knew he was trying to hide how hard he was. Crowley felt ashamed for getting him so worked up and then not doing anything about it. He'd embarrassed both of them.
"Crowley, please look at me. I'm not angry. It's okay to change your mind. I was getting a bit overwhelmed myself - things were happening so quickly. "
"I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to be sorry for. I shouldn't have let things go this far… I don't think this kind of relationship is a good idea between us. I like how things are already. I like being friends."
Crowley couldn't bear the way Aziraphale was trying to act like they were best buddies, when in reality he was probably wondering how soon he could be rid of him.
Crowley looked up at Aziraphale, anger burning deep inside. He tried to keep his voice steady. "I heard what you said to Gabriel, so you can stop pretending."
Aziraphale looked confused. "I don't understand. What did I say?"
"What did you say?!" Crowley shouted, furious and unable to believe Aziraphale's audacity. "You're going to get rid of me!"
Aziraphale looked shocked.
Crowley was horrified with himself for shouting like that. He'd not raised his voice to an angel in thousands of years. He'd quickly learnt that talking back to Michael only made things worse.
"Sorry," Crowley sobbed. "Please don't send me away! I'll be good! I'll do anything you want!"
"I would never send you away. I don't understand why you would think that."
"But I heard you! You're going to replace me with another demon! I heard you talking about it with Gabriel!"
Aziraphale looked utterly bewildered for a moment, and then realisation seemed to dawn. "Oh! Oh, you heard- Crowley, I told Gabriel I was thinking of getting a second demon. Not to replace you, but to live here with us."
"What?"
"I was thinking of bringing one of your friends here to live with us. I would never replace you, I promise. I just want to rescue another demon. Give them somewhere safe to live."
"Another…"
Oh, shit. Aziraphale was telling the truth, wasn't he? Crowley had misinterpreted what he'd heard. "I- I- I thought you didn't want me anymore."
"No, Crowley, no, of course not. This is your home. I care about you deeply, and I would never send you away."
Crowley's voice trembled. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to listen in. Gabriel was really loud."
"This is my fault. I should have told you what I was planning from the start. I just didn't want to risk getting your hopes up for nothing. I was hoping Gabriel would lend me some points - I don't have quite enough yet – but he refused. I should have asked you how you felt first though. I won't get another demon unless you want me to. How do you feel about having another demon come to live with us?"
Crowley didn't know what to say, this was all too much to take in. Having another demon in the house would change everything.
Aziraphale sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overwhelm you. You won't have to make that decision for a very long time anyway. It'll take me centuries to save up enough points. Besides, Gabriel seems to really hate the idea of me getting another demon, so he might try to stop me. I'm so sorry." A look of distress crossed Aziraphale's face. "Wait… Was that why you kissed me? Because you wanted to stay?"
Crowley's stomach twisted into a knot. "I'm sorry. I Just- I wanted you to like me."
Aziraphale looked devastated for a moment, and then his lip pulled into a sad smile.
Words tumbled out of Crowley's mouth. "I already wanted to kiss you, I did. I just wasn't ready yet. And then when I thought you wanted to get rid of me… I'm so sorry!"
"This is not your fault. I shouldn't have kissed you, no matter how either of us felt. It was very selfish and irresponsible of me."
Crowley's heart broke as he realised that he had ruined any chance of anything ever happening between them in the future.
Aziraphale spoke gently. "You are so very dear to me, and I will always look after you and keep you safe. I promise you."
"I should have trusted you."
"This is in no way your fault. You've had a terrible shock - I can't even imagine how you've been feeling these past few hours. Are you alright?"
Crowley nodded. They both got up off the floor and sat back on the sofa, now with some extra space between them.
When Aziraphale spoke again, his voice was soft but serious. "I need you to know that your body is your own, and no one has any right to touch you unless you want them too. I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you. And I'm sorry that I- I should never have touched you, it was wrong of me."
Crowley realised with a jolt what Aziraphale must be assuming. "My old owners never- I mean, they hurt me but they never did that. No-one's ever tried to force themselves on me or anything."
Aziraphale looked relieved.
Crowley averted his eyes. "I've been with some demons before. In the Demon Rehoming House. But that was always my choice, I could say no if I wanted to."
"I'm glad you were able to find some joy in that awful place," Aziraphale said after a moment. "I suppose you must miss the other demons? It might take a while, but I'll eventually have enough points to buy another demon - if you would like me too. Is there anyone in particular you would like me to find?"
Crowley thought about it for a moment but then he shook his head. "No. I wouldn't trust any of them. Not here. They all hate angels - so did I once. I think they'd take advantage of your kindness. I don't know."
Crowley wondered if perhaps he was being selfish. He wanted Aziraphale all to himself. But he really didn't trust the other demons to treat Aziraphale with respect.
Aziraphale nodded. "I understand. Besides, I couldn't bear to give them that medicine either, so it would have to be someone we both trusted completely."
"I don't need to have other demons around me. I'm happy here with you."
Aziraphale smiled at him.
Crowley felt overwhelmed with love for Aziraphale, his faith in him stronger than ever before. "Thank you for everything you've done for me. You're the kindest person I ever met. I'm lucky you chose me."
"I'm lucky I found you."
They ate some more chocolates while the television blared, but Crowley was too distracted by all that had happened to pay all that much attention to what was happening on screen.
It seemed Aziraphale was equally lost in his thoughts. "Oh, Heavens," Aziraphale blurted out. "Did you hear what Gabriel said about Satan?"
"Satan? What's happened to Satan?"
"You didn't hear that bit? Er. Never mind. I'm not supposed to say."
Crowley's stomach flipped. "Is he okay? Did something happen?"
Aziraphale nibbled at a fingernail. "I'm not supposed to talk about it. Gabriel said it's a secret… Oh, blast it. Satan is fine, as far as I'm aware. He's still on the loose."
"On the loose?!" Crowley cried out. He covered his mouth with his hands. "When they catch him, they'll destroy him!"
"Well, it's been 6000 years and they've not caught him yet, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. He's very good at staying hidden."
Crowley stared at Aziraphale, momentarily struck dumb with shock. "But that goes all the way back to the rebellion. Did they never catch him in the first place?"
"He escaped from Hell while the other demons were being rounded up. He went straight up to Earth, and he's been here ever since."
Crowley had been led to believe that he was the last demon to be caught. There had been a rumour amongst the demons at the Demon Rehoming House that the Metatron was Satan's owner. Perhaps the angels had started that rumour to try to keep the truth hidden.
Crowley stared at the floor, overwhelmed by this new information. He should feel glad, but all he could think about was that it wasn't fair. He had been tortured, humiliated, treated as a servant and a punching bag, while the one who instigated the rebellion in the first place had gotten away with it scot free. Jealously and anger boiled inside him, despite how guilty it made him feel.
"Please don't tell anyone," Aziraphale begged. "I'll get into terrible trouble."
Crowley gave him a sad look. "Who would I tell?"
"Well… I don't know. Maybe the new demon, if we get one? Or- I've actually been hoping another angel might let you spend time with their demon – if that would be something you would be interested in. I did ask Gabriel if you could see Beelzebub but he refused."
Crowley felt a stab of disappointment. He would have liked to see Beelzebub. "How is Beelzebub? Have you seen her?"
"Not in person. I've never actually been to Gabriel's house on Earth, but sometimes Beelzebub answers the telephone. She always sounds okay when I speak to her."
"Could I talk to her on the telephone?" Crowley asked, excited at the thought of it.
Aziraphale pulled a face. "I don't think that's a good idea. If Gabriel found out, he'd be furious."
Crowley nodded. He let out a sigh. "Yeah, you're right. It's too dangerous."
"Perhaps Uriel would be willing?" Aziraphale said thoughtfully. "Dagon lives on Earth with her, but I'm not all that close to Uriel so I'd have to build up to it."
Crowley nodded. "Michael told me about Uriel owning Dagon. It always made sense to me because they were friends before the fall. But Michael never let me see her. Uriel came over fairly regularly but she always ignored me like I wasn't even there. To be honest, most of the angels who visited ignored me."
"Terribly rude."
"I've got a feeling Uriel will say no, just like Gabriel did, and just like Michael did. So don't worry about asking her. I was never very close to Dagon anyway. It was mostly Satan and Beelzebub that I was friends with before the Fall."
"Oh, I do wish Gabriel would let you see Beelzebub."
"Me too."
Aziraphale sat in bed, a book lying open on his lap. He ignored it, instead staring miserably into the middle distance, thinking of all that had occurred that evening.
Crowley was next door in his bedroom, hopefully fast asleep.
It disturbed Aziraphale to think that Crowley had been so desperate to stay that he would have- That they'd almost-
Aziraphale shut his eyes tightly, trying to block out the horror of what had almost happened.
If Aziraphale hadn't noticed how uncomfortable Crowley had been, if Crowley had been a better actor, he might have unknowingly raped him.
Aziraphale wanted to think that he would have stopped anyway. The second Crowley got onto his knees and it was clear what he was planning, Aziraphale had felt a wave of guilt. It had felt wrong.
Aziraphale should have stopped Crowley the second he started flirting. He should have removed Crowley's hand from his knee. He should never have kissed him or touched him. What had he been thinking? He'd had a few glasses of wine, but that was no excuse for such poor judgement. Aziraphale had only himself to blame.
A romantic relationship could never work between an angel and a demon. They were master and servant, jailer and captive. Crowley relied on him for everything, they could never be on equal footing.
Even if Crowley truly did have feelings for him it would still be inappropriate. Crowley might end up feeling trapped, too afraid to say no, not wanting to risk upsetting the one in charge. What had happened today was proof of that, proof that Crowley would do whatever it took to make him happy – and that was terrifying.
Tears came to Aziraphale's eyes. Tears for Crowley, and also for himself.
It had been Aziraphale's first kiss, the first time anyone had ever touched him, and the memory of it was sickening. Crowley had hated every second of it. Aziraphale felt overwhelmed with shame and humiliation knowing that Crowley had seen how excited he was, he must have been disgusted and frightened. He put his head into his hands and wondered how on Earth he was ever going to face Crowley in the morning.
He wondered how Crowley truly felt about him. Crowley had said that he had wanted to kiss him, he just hadn't been ready yet, but Aziraphale suspected that he had only said that to try to make him feel better.
Did Crowley even like him? Perhaps he secretly hated him. Aziraphale hoped that Crowley had at least grown a little fond of him during their time together. They had been through so much.
Aziraphale didn't blame any of what had happened on Crowley. He had done it out of fear - a desperate attempt to protect himself. It was horrifying that Crowley would allow anyone to use him for sex, and Aziraphale hoped that Crowley's experiences with the other demons had been as willing as Crowley had implied.
When Aziraphale first met Crowley, he had promised that he would never touch him. He had broken that promise, but he would never make that mistake again.
Author's Notes:
Content warning: Brief unwanted touching.
Content warning containing spoilers for this chapter:
Crowley overhears Aziraphale talking to Gabriel but mishears and thinks Aziraphale wants to get rid of him. So he decides to seduce him, hoping Aziraphale will then change his mind. There is some kissing and light touching but Aziraphale quickly realises that Crowley isn't into it and stops. The truth comes out and Aziraphale reassures him that he would never get rid of him, and he is safe. Also Aziraphale feels guilty for responding to Crowley's advances in the first place.