The moment Gabriel's grey car drew up outside of the bookshop Beelzebub immediately jumped out and stormed across to the bookshop door. Gabriel had to jog to catch up with her, waving a hand to make the bookshop door click open.
"Let me do the talking." Gabriel said as he squeezed past Beelzebub to go in first.
Beelzebub was fine with that - she was far too angry to pretend to be civil to Aziraphale.
"Aziraphale?" Gabriel shouted as he strode through the shop.
There was a surprised, "Hello?" from the backroom.
Aziraphale emerged with a nervous smile on his face. "Good afternoon, Gabriel. What brings you- Beelzebub! Hello! What a lovely surprise! I didn't know you were coming! Oh, Crowley will be pleased!"
Why was he using the name Crowley instead of Crawly? Beelzebub wondered if she had misheard him.
Aziraphale looked delighted to see Beelzebub, though his smile faltered under her judging gaze.
Gabriel stood between them. "I decided we should let the demons talk after all."
"Oh, good! I'm so glad! Crowley's out in the garden at the moment. There are wards up all around to keep him safe," Aziraphale added quickly. "I'll bring him inside."
They followed Aziraphale into the kitchen.
"Make yourselves at home," Aziraphale said, gesturing towards the little kitchen table. "I'll fetch Crowley."
Aziraphale was definitely mispronouncing Crawly's name. Beelzebub would have to ask him about it.
Gabriel sat down, but Beelzebub went over to the window instead, bracing herself for whatever state Crawly would be in. She watched as Aziraphale walked over to Crawly who was hunched over a flower pot.
Beelzebub turned and spoke in a whisper to Gabriel. "I'll take Crawly back outside to talk properly. You keep Aziraphale indoors. Make sure we have some privacy."
Gabriel nodded. "Make sure I can still see you through the window."
Aziraphale brought Crawly inside and they all said hello. Crawly seemed nervous but pleased to see her.
Beelzebub remembered Crawly as having long, wavy red hair, robes, and an androgynous look. He now had short hair, a delicate but masculine appearance, and human clothes. Beelzebub should have expected Crawly to look different – 6000 years had passed after all. Beelzebub herself had started wearing human clothes instead of robes fairly early on in human history, and she liked to keep her hair short. Crawly looked thin but healthy.
Aziraphale offered to make them some drinks, and then busied himself with the kettle.
"Why don't you both go out into the garden?" Gabriel said to Beelzebub and Crawly.
"Oh, yes, that would be jolly," Aziraphale said with a smile. "And then I'll bring you your drinks once they're ready."
Beelzebub hoped Gabriel would be the one to bring out their drinks, or that he would at least accompany Aziraphale when he brought them outside.
Crawly led Beelzebub through the garden to the table and chairs in the corner, and then glanced back at the door which was still ajar. He lowered his voice. "It's good to see you. I didn't think Gabriel would let us hang out."
"I told him I wanted to see you."
Crawly smiled. "It's been a while, hasn't it? How's he treating you?"
Beelzebub shrugged. "He's alright. He's a bit of a pain in the arse sometimes, but he's okay. What's it like living with Aziraphale?"
Crawly's smile widened. "Aziraphale's really kind! I mean, he's still very stern of course - he's an angel, after all. But I've got it good here. He's way better than my previous owners."
"Right. Right. That's good to hear. Um. Why's he calling you Crowley? Are you cool with that?"
"Yeah! I chose my name! You can call me Crowley too."
Beelzebub smiled, feeling relieved. "Crowley - it's a good name. It suits you."
The door opened and Aziraphale came out carrying a tray of tea and biscuits, Gabriel hot on his heels.
The tray was placed on the table. "Help yourselves!" Aziraphale said, looking from one to the other of them with a joyous smile.
"Thanks, angel," said Crowley.
"Cheers," Beelzebub added.
Gabriel leant in close to Beelzebub. "Are you okay? We can leave if you want."
"I'm good." Beelzebub said as she grabbed a biscuit. "We've got a lot of catching up to do."
Gabriel eyed the biscuit. "Don't eat too many of those."
Beelzebub smirked.
"We'll go back indoors. Give you a chance to talk properly," said Gabriel. He steered Aziraphale away with him.
The door closed behind the two angels, but not before Aziraphale could be heard saying, "Oh isn't this lovely? They're the best of chums!"
Once they were alone again, Beelzebub decided there was no point in beating about the bush. "I'm gonna get straight to the point. Gabriel was concerned that Aziraphale might be hurting you."
Crowley looked shocked. "What? No! Aziraphale would never hurt me. Why would Gabriel think that?"
Perhaps Crowley was just too frightened to admit it.
"He just wants to make sure you're okay," Beelzebub said. "Angels are not allowed to hurt us. He's not allowed to lay a finger on you."
Crowley looked confused.
"And angels are not allowed to make you do anything… inappropriate. Sexually."
Crowley's eyes widened. "He would never! He would never do anything like that!"
"Good. That's a relief. But if he ever does hurt you, you can tell me. Gabriel will help you." Beelzebub waited a moment to be sure Aziraphale wasn't watching through the window, and then she handed over a scrap of paper. "Hide this away. It has my mobile telephone number on it. Do you have access to a telephone?"
"Yes." Crowley glanced at the window nervously as he scrambled to hide the paper in his jeans pocket. "Thanks. But this really isn't necessary. Aziraphale has always looked after me. But it would be nice to ring you for a chat sometimes - if that's okay?"
Beelzebub smiled. "Sure."
Crowley pulled his teacup towards himself and stared into it. He bit his lip. "Angels really aren't allowed to hurt us? Is that true?"
"Yes, of course. They're angels. They're supposed to be all good and shit. We're servants, not punching bags."
Crowley nodded. He took a sip of his tea. His hands had started to tremble.
Beelzebub had been feeling relieved, but it was clear Crowley was hiding something horrible. "Is something wrong? If you don't want to talk about it, I understand. But I don't want to leave you here with someone that hurts you. I can get Gabriel to take you with us right now. He's Aziraphale's boss, he has the power to-"
"No! I don't want to leave! I like Aziraphale! He would never hurt me or make me do anything bad. I'm finally safe."
"Finally safe?"
Crowley averted his eyes. "My last owner used to hurt me."
"Bastard! Who was your last owner? I'll get Gabriel to fuck him up!"
Crowley looked shocked. "No! It'd be his word against mine! They won't believe me. I'm just a demon. I told the angels in the Demon Rehoming House that he kept discorporating me on purpose but they wouldn't do anything. They don't care."
"Gabriel will believe you-"
Crowley shook his head. "No he won't. They're friends. Gabriel will take his side, and then I'll get into trouble for lying. I shouldn't have said anything!"
"I'm glad you told me. I promise you're not going to get into any trouble. Does Aziraphale know what your last owner did?"
"Yeah, but I made him promise not to tell anyone."
"If you tell me who it was-"
"I can't!" Crowley shouted. He put his head in his hands.
"But your last owner needs to pay for what they did! What if they do it to another demon?"
Tears started to fall down Crowley's face. "He can't afford another demon, he doesn't have enough points."
"But he'll earn points! One day he'll have enough and-"
The door opened, and Aziraphale raced towards them. "What's the matter, Crowley?"
Aziraphale yelped as Gabriel grabbed him by the arm and dragged him back. "Gabriel, what are you doing! Release me this instant!"
Gabriel looked shocked that Aziraphale had raised his voice to him, and then he tightened his grip as Aziraphale started to struggle.
"You can let him go," Beelzebub said.
Once free, Aziraphale dashed to Crowley's side.
"I'm sorry," Crowley said, drying his eyes and looking embarrassed. "I'm just being stupid. I should go inside."
Beelzebub's heart sank as Crowley stood up. "But we've not finished talking yet."
"Maybe another time," Crowley said. He leaned closer to her. "Don't tell anyone what I said."
Crowley walked away into the kitchen.
"I think it's probably best you both leave," said Aziraphale with an apologetic look.
Gabriel nodded. He turned towards Beelzebub. "C'mon, let's go."
Once they were in the car, Gabriel let out a long sigh and then said, "So what is it that Crawly doesn't want you to tell anyone?"
Gabriel's fingernails tapped the steering wheel in agitation as they zoomed along the streets of London. He didn't like what Beelzebub had just told him, and he hoped desperately that it wasn't true. "I'm sure it wasn't so bad really, just a quick slap on the wrist when he did something wrong."
"His last owner discorporated him on purpose! Numerous times!"
Gabriel tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "He might be lying."
"No! He was telling the truth, I'm sure of it. You need to do something."
"But we don't even know who his last owner was."
"You can easily find that out. Just Ring the DRH - they'll have everything on file."
Gabriel pulled a face. "I can't interfere with people's home lives - it's not the done thing! Besides, Cowlee has nothing to do with his previous owner anymore so what's even the point?"
Beelzebub glared at him. "His name is Crowley. And what if his old owner buys another demon?! Or borrows one?! Are you really telling me you want to just sit back and let him murder other demons?!"
"You said he can't afford another demon. And he won't be able to borrow one anyway - angels don't just lend out their demons."
"Uriel leant Dagon to you-"
"That was different! You needed the company while I was away!"
"Even if he can't borrow a demon, he'll buy one as soon as he has enough points. What about that?"
Gabriel stared miserably at the road. Beelzebub had a point. "This is a delicate situation. If I get involved I'm going to have to do it properly - in an official capacity. I can't just throw accusations around. Besides, this is probably all just a terrible mistake."
"This is exactly what Crowley was afraid of – he was convinced no one would believe him. He said you and this angel were chummy – you'd better not let that get in the way."
"Are you sure Crowley wasn't talking about Aziraphale? He's always been a bit weird."
"No! It was his last owner! Are you sure you don't know who it was?"
"All I know is that his first owner was Michael. That's it. I don't know what happened to him after he was sold back to the DRH."
"Let's call them to find out."
"But you said Crowley doesn't want me to know any of this stuff. We should respect his decision- Stop that!"
Beelzebub had grabbed his divine mobile phone and was pressing buttons. She put the phone onto speaker, and he could hear the ring tone.
"Hang up!" Gabriel ordered, while making a mental note to demand that the next update to divine phones should make them demon-tamper-proof.
A chipper voice called out, "Good evening! Thank you for calling the Demon Rehoming House! How can I help you today?"
Beelzebub looked at Gabriel expectantly.
"Er. Hi! It's me. Gabriel. I just have a few quick questions for you."
"I'm happy to help you, Archangel Gabriel."
"Right. I just need to know who the last owner of Cowlee-"
"Crowley!" Beelzebub hissed. "Although he might be on the system as Crawly."
Gabriel stopped at a red light, and performed a miracle to keep it red. "Crawly. Yes. I need to know who his last owner was. Before Aziraphale."
There was a brief pause in which the angel was probably wondering if this data was supposed to be private or not. Gabriel was just about to angrily inform the angel that he had the highest clearance level when they spoke up.
"I'll check the system. Just a moment… Ah, yes. Crawly's last owner was Sandalphon."
Gabriel gritted his teeth. Fuck! He liked Sandalphon - he was hilarious, and the way he always sucked up to him made him feel extra important.
"Crawly's first owner was Michael, then Sandalphon, and now it's Aziraphale."
"Thank you. How many times did Crawly discorporate under Sandalphon's ownership?"
"Um…" there came a surprised sound. "Er. Three hundred and two."
Shit.
"And under the other two owners?"
"Zero."
"How many demons has Sandalphon owned?"
"Twenty three."
"I need the discorporation numbers for all of them too. Just rough numbers for the time being."
"They're all in the hundreds. Two demons were destroyed – both judged as suicides. They overdosed on holy water tablets."
"And you never found this suspicious?"
The angel spluttered for a moment, and then spoke at speed. "I- Er- Th- This is the first time I've seen this information! I only work Saturdays. And I've only worked here for two and a half centuries. Most of the other files I've seen show that the majority of demons have a discorporation count of zero. A few have discorporated once or twice – but that's it. So, for me, this is unusual to say the least." The angel stopped talking for a moment. "I swear, whatever is happening here, I'm not involved. Talk to my demon! She's treated very well! She died once but it was due to a nut allergy. We didn't know she had it!"
"Put an ownership block on Sandalphon."
"Done. Er. Sandalphon actually has ownership of a demon right now. Shall I send someone to confiscate the demon?"
Beelzebub and Gabriel exchanged horrified glances.
"How the fuck was he able to afford another demon?" Beelzebub roared.
"Er. It says here that he purchased one of the heavily discounted ones."
Gabriel hadn't known that demons were ever sold for less than the usual asking price. They were expensive, sought after commodities. Why put them on sale?
"Don't send anyone," Gabriel said. "Don't do anything except put a block on his account. Don't tell anyone about this phone call. I'm going to visit Sandalphon myself right now. Do not warn him."
"Of course. Of course. Is there anything else I can do to help you?"
"No," Gabriel said, and hung up the phone.
The traffic light changed to green.
"Fuck," Beelzebub said.
"I can't believe this," Gabriel complained. "Sandalphon was one of the good ones!"
"Really? One of the good ones? Mr 'Let's turn the humans into salt for shits and giggles'?!"
"He only did it that one time!"
"He's always been a violent bastard and you know it."
Gabriel didn't respond.
After taking a quick moment to break the laws of time and physics, the car immediately pulled up outside of Sandalphon's house on Earth.
Beelzebub threw open the car door, and started to climb out.
"You stay here!" Gabriel ordered. "This could be dangerous."
"There's a frightened and probably injured demon in there. I'm coming with you."
Gabriel considered this for a moment. He didn't much like the idea of having to comfort a traumatised demon. It would be much better to let Beelzebub deal with that sort of thing. He'd just have to make sure he didn't let her out of his sight, just in case Sandalphon did something stupid.
"Fine, you can come with me," Gabriel said, though Beelzebub had already started marching away from the car. He jogged after her.
Gabriel knocked on the door, and then immediately opened it without waiting for a response just as he always did.