Beelzebub was sat at the kitchen table, making her way steadily through a tin of chocolate biscuits.
The front door creaked open, and Beelzebub leapt to her feet, overwhelmed with relief that Gabriel was finally home.
She switched on the kettle before heading into the hall - where she immediately saw two demons coming towards her. She looked from one to the other. At least one of them must have their powers because the wards Gabriel had put up around the house were powerful and must have taken some skill to break.
One of the two demons made a shushing sound at her. "Where's Gabriel?" he whispered. "We've come to liberate you."
Beelzebub was just weighing up her chances of winning if she ended up having to fight them when Satan strolled in through the open doorway. All hope of defeating them instantly vanished.
"Where's Gabriel?" the first demon repeated.
"He's not here," Beelzebub said. "We're safe for now."
Satan closed the door behind him. He was holding a lantern - the flame inside burning brightly. Beelzebub knew without a doubt that it was Hellfire.
"Beelzebub, my right-hand demon," Satan said with a winning smile. "It's a pleasure to have you back with us. I'm only sorry it took us so long to rescue you."
"It's good to see you," Beelzebub lied.
Satan set down the lantern on the oak side table, and Beelzebub hoped it wouldn't leave a mark - Gabriel would be distraught.
"How did you get hold of Hellfire?" Beelzebub asked.
"I took it with me when I escaped Hell after the Fall, and I've carried it with me ever since," Satan smiled. "We'll wait for Gabriel here then. We can destroy him once he arrives."
Beelzebub's heart jumped into her throat. "But he's going to bring more angels with him. We'll be outnumbered! What's going on? What are you planning?"
"Don't look so worried," Satan laughed. "This is a revolution! Demons are going to rule the world!"
"Forgive me, but the last time we started a revolution it didn't end well."
Satan glared at her, but only for a fraction of a second. "This time we have a secret weapon – the Antichrist. We can't lose!"
"What?"
"I bore a child with a human female. My son is hidden among the humans so the angels will never find him. On his eleventh birthday, he will come into his powers and do my bidding!"
Shit.
"When's his eleventh birthday?"
"Tomorrow!" Satan exclaimed, a grin on his face. "He will alter reality so that Earth will belong to us instead of the angels!"
"Oh! So the angels will be our slaves instead then?" All in all, this wasn't the worst thing that could happen. Gabriel would hate it, but he'd get used to it eventually.
"No!" Satan hissed. "We will not allow the angels to live! The Antichrist will wipe them all out of existence - every last one of them! The angels will be destroyed!"
"Great plan," Beelzebub said, forcing a smile onto her face. "But I'm going to keep Gabriel. I want to boss him around for the rest of eternity."
"No! They must all die!"
"Right. Fair enough."
Beelzebub knew that she had to get these demons and their hellfire out of this house. If they were still here when Gabriel arrived… it didn't bear thinking about.
"It could be days until Gabriel gets back," Beelzebub lied. "I'm guessing you want to be present for your son's birthday, yeah?"
Satan considered this. "Let's go," he said, whirling towards the door. "We can't wait forever. Gabriel will meet his demise, one way or another!"
One of the other demons opened the door for Satan. "Where to, boss?"
"Aziraphale's bookshop," Satan said, gesturing for Beelzebub to come with them. "Hastur and Ligur should have rescued Crawly by now - and had their fun with the bookworm."
Beelzebub strode after them. If they had so much as touched a hair on Gabriel's head, she would tear every one of them limb from limb. She was going to stop this ridiculous rebellion from the inside.
Crowley raced back into the kitchen.
He made a shushing gesture at Gabriel, and spoke in a whisper, "Satan and some other demons just arrived. They have Beelzebub."
"No!"
"Shhh! Satan will destroy you if he finds you. They have more hellfire torches. I have to send you back to Heaven."
Gabriel tried to get to his feet. "I have to save Beelzebub."
Crowley shook his head. "She can handle herself. I have to discorporate you and Aziraphale. It's the only way to protect you. You can't stay here. They'll destroy you."
For a moment, Gabriel looked like he was going to argue but then he nodded. "Make it quick."
Crowley looked at the kitchen counter. It was doused in deadly red wine. But even if he managed to get into the cutlery drawer he knew that Aziraphale had vanished away all of the sharp knives.
Crowley took a deep breath, focused his powers, and then a knife appeared in his hand. He felt dizzy at the sight of it, but he needed to do this. Time was running out. He knelt over Aziraphale, and put the blade to his throat.
Crowley's time with Sandalphon had left him with the knowledge of how to kill someone instantly. It was over in a fraction of a second. He felt Aziraphale's celestial form leave his corporation.
Crowley wiped away the tears that blurred his vision, and then he turned towards Gabriel.
"Get on with it," Gabriel ordered, squeezing his eyes tightly closed.
Once he had freed Gabriel from his physical form, Crowley got to his feet. He leant heavily against the table, unable to look at the two bodies, his breathing sharp and fast.
From the bookshop came the sound of a bookcase being knocked over while the demons jeered. Their footsteps were getting closer.
Crowley should slit his own throat too, escape before Satan found him. But the thought of materialising in Hell, of being force fed holy water tablets, and then being blamed for what had happened here was too much to bear. Besides, he couldn't do to himself what Sandalphon had done so many times before. It was unthinkable. He dropped the knife onto the floor and kicked it away, repulsed by it.
The only way he could escape now was to run away through the back door into the garden, but the kitchen floor was splattered with wine and the remains of Hastur and Ligur. He would only end up injured or destroyed. It was too dangerous.
"Ligur?!" came Satan's booming voice from the bookshop. "Hastur?! Crowley?!"
"I- I'm here!" Crowley cried, hoping that he would be able to talk his way out of this.
Satan led the way into the kitchen, Beelzebub just behind him. The demons started to fan out into the room, Beelzebub getting dangerously close to a red puddle.
"No!" Crowley cried. "The wine is holy water! It's all over the floor!"
Beelzebub danced back, and everyone started pushing at each other, all elbows, as they retreated back through the doorway.
"Where are Hastur and Ligur? What happened?" Satan demanded, but he was already looking in disgust and anger at the two piles of goo on the floor.
"The angels tricked them into drinking holy water! There was nothing I could do! And then the angels slit their own throats when they heard you coming!"
Satan kicked the door frame. "Fuck!"
A look of relief crossed Beelzebub's face, but only for a split second before her face took on a hard edge again.
"Come over here, away from all of that mess," Beelzebub said, reaching out towards Crowley. "You're with us now."
Crowley did not feel safe around any of these demons - except perhaps Beelzebub - but he still wasn't sure whose side she was on. All the same, it felt good to see a friendly - if somewhat stern - face after all that had happened.
Crowley went to stand beside Beelzebub. "I couldn't stop them," he said, voice trembling.
"I know," Beelzebub replied. "It's okay."
"At least you survived, Crowley," Satan said. He turned around and headed back into the shop. "Let's go. Time is of the essence."
Before long, they were stepping out onto the street.
There were only five of them in the group - Satan, Beelzebub, Crowley, and two others that Crowley didn't recognise. He had expected more demons to be in the gang. Perhaps the others were away on different missions. Crowley kept close to Beelzebub and kept his eyes lowered to the ground.
There was an explosion behind them, and Crowley instinctively ducked and threw his arms above his head. The force of the explosion made him stagger and almost loose his balance. Looking behind him, he saw that the bookshop was on fire.
The flames were bright in the dark street, and thick smoke poured from the shattered windows making Crowley cough and choke. He backed away, watching helplessly as his home – the only place he had felt safe and happy in 6000 years - burnt to the ground.
"That'll send those bastards a message," Satan laughed as he led their little gang away through crowds of frightened humans. "I'll burn Michael's house down too. There's no point in keeping her alive anymore. We've got all the info' we need from her." Satan pointed at one of the demons Crowley didn't recognise. "And you can come with me."
The demon grinned. "Yeah, boss! Can I be the one that destroys her?"
Tears streamed down Crowley's face - not just from the smoke that irritated them and the sight of the burning shop, but from the thought of Michael being destroyed.
Crowley had hated Michael for a long time, but she'd been all he had for thousands of years. He had missed her when she sold him, and never, in all the time he'd known Michael, had he ever wanted to see her hurt, let alone destroyed.
But he was powerless to help her now. He was outnumbered and outgunned. Even if Beelzebub were on his side and the two unknown demons didn't have their powers – which he suspected they did - Satan himself was too powerful.
Crowley hoped that Heaven had already sent someone to rescue Michael. Heaven must know she was in danger, considering angels were being discorporated left, right and centre. Maybe an angelic army would be waiting for any demons that went to Michael's house.
"You three," Satan said, gesturing to Crowley, Beelzebub, and the other demon. "Your mission is to destroy Uriel, and free Dagon. I'll teleport you to Uriel's house."
"But won't there be angels waiting for us?" Crowley asked in a quiet voice. "They know what we're doing now. After Sandalphon and Aziraphale and-"
"We need to strike while the irons hot! Heaven is in disarray. Afterwards, we'll all meet up at the Antichrists house. His name is Adam Young, and he lives in Tadfield. Uriel lives in that village too, so you won't have far to go."
Crowley stared at him in shock. Antichrist? What was he talking about?
Flaming torches were handed out, and Crowley held his nervously.
Satan raised his head high. "My teleportation isn't a hundred per cent precise – it's a very fine art – but I can get you close."
"Maybe we could take a bus?" Crowley suggested, but he was ignored.
Satan gestured to the other demon in Crowley and Beelzebub's team. "My lieutenant here will get you to Uriel's house, and to the Antichrist's house. He knows Tadfield like the back of his hand."
Beelzebub crossed her arms. "Why does the Antichrist live in the same village as an angel? Are Heaven onto you?"
"Uriel has no idea, I can assure you. We didn't intend for the Antichrist to live in that village - there was a cock-up. Satantic nuns, eh? They can't be trusted with anything." Satan smiled. "Now off you go. Have fun!"
There was a moment of disorientation in which Crowley didn't know which way was up or down – and then they were on a dirt road surrounded by trees. Feeling dizzy, Crowley dropped to his knees, almost falling over completely.
Beelzebub staggered too, and then she clung to a tree.
The lieutenant didn't even flinch. "I know this road," he said, glancing around. "Uriel's place is this way." He started to walk away. "Don't dawdle or-"
He was cut off mid-sentence by Beelzebub casually shooting him in the back of the head with a pistol. The demon dropped to the floor, discorporated.
Crowley let out a shriek, dropped his torch, and then staggered backwards. Without thinking, his wings popped into existence and he spread them wide, ready to flee. "What are you doing?!" he yelled hysterically at Beelzebub.
Beelzebub lowered the pistol. "Calm down."
"You shot him!"
"I had to."
The lieutenant would be in Hell now. He would be forced to take holy water tablets - unless he was able to fight off the angels using his powers. The angels would expect any demons that showed up to be the servants of angels, and therefore powerless. They were about to get a shock.
"Where did you get that gun?!" Crowley demanded.
"I wished it into being," said Beelzebub. She gave Crowley's wings a pointed look. "It seems I'm not the only one who can use my powers."
"Er."
"I'm going to stop Satan's ridiculous plan. Are you with me?"
"I'm with you," Crowley said, cautiously watching the gun.
"Good," said Beelzebub, putting away the pistol. "I thought you would be. You discorporated Gabriel and Aziraphale yourself, didn't you? I could tell their slit throats weren't self-inflicted."
"You could? I didn't know how else I could get them back to Heaven. I knew Satan would destroy them as soon as he saw them."
"You did the right thing. Is Gabriel okay?"
"He'll be alright. He was hurt by the heat of the Hellfire but he was still talking and stuff. He said Heaven could heal both of them. Aziraphale was in a really bad way though..." Tears prickled at Crowley's eyes.
"Don't worry. I'm sure they can heal Aziraphale too. Thank you for looking after them."
"I didn't do a very good job of it."
"They would've been destroyed without your help."
Crowley dried his eyes on his sleeve. "What do we do now?"
"First, we tidy up."
Beelzebub clicked her fingers and the dead body vanished. She threw her torch into a puddle, and the flames sizzled and went out. Crowley threw his torch in after it.
"Let's go to Uriel and Dagon's house," Beelzebub said. "I know the way. I've been to their place with Gabriel hundreds of times. They should have already returned to Heaven, but if not we can tell them what's happening and catch a ride to Heaven with them. We need to tell the angels what's happening."
"What is happening? Satan mentioned the Antichrist?"
"Yeah. Satan wants the Antichrist to destroy all the angels."
Crowley made a horrified sound.
"Come on, we'd better get a move on. If there's no one at the house, we'll still be able to find one of those teleport-y circles somewhere. We can activate it ourselves and go to Heaven."
Crowley jogged for a moment to catch up with Beelzebub who was already marching away along the dirt road.
Crowley nibbled a fingernail. "But what if they left a trap? Or there's angel's waiting for us? Heaven might even find us right here if they sense the magic we just did."
"I hope they do. We didn't do anything wrong, Crowley. We were kidnapped. Gabriel will have told them. He'll vouch for us."
Crowley stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Gabriel might want me destroyed…"
"Don't be stupid."
"But he saw me use my powers! I told him Aziraphale doesn't know anything about it - that it's not his fault. But Gabriel acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. I think he's just biding his time."
Beelzebub let out a laugh. "Don't worry about that. He'll conveniently forget all about it, I reckon. It would be double standards if he didn't – he's not given me a tablet in thousands of years."
"Really?" Crowley said in amazement. He'd assumed that Beelzebub had tricked Gabriel somehow.
Crowley became aware of a light coming towards them from one side. He turned to get a better look just as a girl on a bicycle emerged from the trees.
The girl saw Crowley's wings and yelped. She peddled faster, and then steered right into a ditch. There was another yelp followed by silence.
"I killed her!" Crowley cried out, dropping to his knees. "I'm away from angels for five minutes and I kill a human!"
"Bloody Hell, Crowley, get a grip! It was only a little fall, I'm sure she's fine! Put your blasted wings away."
Crowley folded his wings down until they vanished, and then he ran to the edge of the ditch. He peered over the side, his heart pounding.
The girl was sprawled in the dirt. She let out a pained groan and started to move.
"Come on," said Beelzebub, gesturing for Crowley to come away from the ditch. "She'll be fine. We need to go."
Crowley ignored her. A pair of sunglasses materialised onto his face, and then he looked down into the ditch again. "Hello? I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"
The girl looked up at him wearily. She got to her feet and backed away from him. She sounded confused and frightened. "I- I saw-"
"There are a lot of shadows at this time of night," said Beelzebub, now standing beside Crowley.
The girl relaxed, visibly relieved that another woman had joined them.
Crowley offered his hand to help the girl out of the ditch, but she ignored it and climbed out on her own. Crowley busied himself with picking up her bike instead. It was relatively unharmed. The paint had chipped in several places and a branch was stuck in the wheel, but he was able to use his powers to repair it while the girl dusted down her clothes. Crowley carefully returned all of her trinkets to the basket on the front.
The girl snatched her bicycle away from him. "Thank you," she said icily. There was distrust in her eyes. "I have a bread knife."
Crowley made a panicked sound and backed away from her.
Beelzebub stepped closer to the girl. "How about you fuck off?"
Climbing onto her bike, the girl glared at both of them, and then cycled away at speed.
"Right. Let's get a move on," said Beelzebub, marching away along the dirt path.
Crowley followed her, and almost tripped over something hidden in the long grass beside the ditch. He picked it up and inspected it. It was a book.
"The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes-"
"Get a move on or I'll leave you behind!"
Crowley ran to catch up with her. "It must have fallen out of that girl's basket. I should give it back." He looked along the path but he couldn't see her anymore.
"Who cares. Leave it behind."
He tucked the book under his arm protectively. "Aziraphale collects prophesy books. I bet he'll like it."