Chapter Twelve:
Baby Business
"oh paps…"
Papyrus dropped his meatball and turned his head to look at his brother curiously. "Nyeh? What you want?"
"a day where i don't have to clean up after you?"
"But I didn't do nothing…"
Sighing, Sans removed the pot from the baby bones head.
How am I still the ONLY person that catches him doing this crap?
"you know if you were to fix that stuff at a time when someone else is awake, that lie might actually work-"
"DON'T TELL BABY HOW TO LIE! IMMA TELL DADDY!"
"….what?"
"DAAAAAHHHDDEEEEE! SNAS IS TEACHIN' BABY HOW TO LIE!"
"I highly doubt it…also I'm right here," said Gaster leaning against the door frame. "If you're going to make a mess can you at LEAST do it quietly? It's midnight!"
"i wasn't teaching him anything dad!"
"I know…I just said that."
"HE LYING!"
"I've been standing in the doorway the whole time Papyrus!"
"ACK!"
"then why didn't you stop him from making a mess?!"
"Because that's what the help is for, speaking of which, clean this up Sans."
"…."
"NO! DIS MY SGETTI!"The baby bones quickly began shoveling spaghetti into his mouth, making an even bigger mess on the tile floor.
"eww, bro! don't eat that off the floor!"Sans picked his brother up.
"MY SGETTIIIII!"shrieked Papyrus, swinging his fists around angrily.
"Young man, there are other people in this lab!"
Though most of them have figured out a way to block out your screaming by now…
"THEY CAN HAS DA' POPTARTS! DIS MY SGETTI! SANTA MAKED IT SPECIAL FOR ME!"
"What?"
"he says santa is making him spaghetti all the time."
"Is too! We talk about da' politics…"
"Santa isn't real, go to bed."
"dad!"
"But I seens him!"
"NO you haven't. Go to BED-"
"Can't, he say I gots to work again tonight."
"you don't have a job!"
At least I don't THINK he does...
Sans had by now taught himself not to assume so many things when it came to his brother. Papyrus HAD been talking about making money on his own for awhile now, but as to why he wanted to, the comedian had no idea.
"I does too have a job! I helps da' Tooth Fairy…"
"What?"
Is he…?
Papyrus smiled brightly."I helps her good!"he cried, kicking his legs happily. "I sneaks in da' houses and collects like the weepo man! She let me keep some cause she nice to da' baby…"
Ah, so HE'S the one attacking my assistants at night…and the rest of the Underground.
Though I can't say I'm TOO surprised…
"Baby's an en-ter-pernu-er!"
Sans looked confused."who's the tooth fairy?"
I've never heard of that monster…
"A way for children to suck money out of their parents without doing any work."
"She the magical fairy that collects toothies!"said Papyrus smiling proudly.
What?! WHY?!
That's freaking weird!
"I don't gots toothie magic dough, so I use dis hammer." Papyrus held up a bloody hammer.
"…."
Sans dropped his brother and put a hand to his mouth instinctively.
"Dis da' part where you say 'such a hard-working baby, we so proud of you!'"
"…."
"…."
"Say it or I vists you."
"such a-"
"Shut up Sans. Papyrus if you continue to attack people at night I'm going to give you to the homeless."
"So? They my posse. We tags da' houses we visit and takes da' toothies for the fairy!"
"you have a gang?"
"He better not…" said Gaster, his tone taking a turn.
"Yep, we's the Homeless Helpers! I sells some of these teeth to the green kid and he gives me da' crack to sell for candies! We runs a good business!"
Gaster pinched the space between his eyes. "God damn it Jerry…"
"You wants some of dis crack?"Papyrus pulled a bag of white stuff out of his orange onesie.
"no, drugs are bad baby bro!"exclaimed Sans reaching for the bag.
"….How much is it?"
"DAD!"
"Shut up Sans, I need it."
"Family gets it for fwee, but you sucks so you gots to give da' baby 25g."
"that's a little cheap, don't you think bro-"
"Oh wow, that's so expensive!"
Really Dad?
"If you's nice to Snas dis week I dwop it to 35g..."
"pap that's more than-"
"I'll pay full price."
"what the hell is your problem with me?!"
Gaster bent down and gave Papyrus 12 g. "Sans I'm his father and YOUR his big brother, it's our job to set a good example for the baby and cheating one out of their hard-earned cash is despicable-"
"you just gave him 12 g!"
"Nyeh hee hee! I's wich!"exclaimed Papyrus cupping the 12 g in his tiny hands excitedly.
"We must nurture Papyrus's ambition to work hard-"
"you cheap piece of crap!"
"Especially since he's at an age where he's very impressionable."
"Imma buy a moo-cow! Fee milk FOREVER!"
"so is this your ACTUAL sense of humor? you're pretty sick dad."
"Enough, clean this up and then take your brother to your room, it's late as I previously mentioned." Gaster walked out of the room and headed back to his own, bag in hand.
"that's fucked up."
He just robbed his own son...
"You's not apposed to say bad words in front of the baby Snas."
He just robbed a BABY!
"i seriously can't believe he did that."
"Dwuggies do anything for dat high-"
"yeah but still-"
"Too bad is baby powder."
Sans burst out laughing and picked up his brother, smothering him in kisses.
CLACK!
CLACK!
CLACK!
"Nyehee hee hee!"The baby bones laughed too, kicking his little legs happily.
That's what Daddy got for trying to cheat the baby...he got baby powder.
"you're so smart bro! how'd you get to be so smart hm?"
"Cloning."
"what?"
"Nothin', we gots to go to bed now so we can wake up early tomorrows! Baby gots a surprise for yoooou..." The tiny Horror took himself out of Sans' arms with the help of his Wingdings and crawled away.
Well that's ominous as hell.
"oh hey pap! i got a surprise for you too, hang on..."Running towards their toybox Sans reached inside and pulled out two puppets he had made.
"heh-pappy look at my hands!"
"Oooooh! They turn into doody dogs!"
"yep-"
"How you's gonna eat now big Buther? Da' doody dogs gonna munch yo' food before you can gets it in your mouth!"
"my hands didn't REALLY turn into dogs pap-"
"How you get those hand dogs? Baby would like some hand dogs…"
Sans removed the puppets and dropped them onto the floor.
"*GASP!*"
"see pap? they weren't re-"
"DADDYYYYYY! SNAS KILLIN' PEOPLES!" shouted the baby bones in horror. He poked a puppet with his foot. "HE CUTS OFF THEIR LEGS AND PUTS EM' ON HIS HANDS!"
"WHAT?! NO I DIDN'T!"
"HE TAKED OUT THEIR INSIDES AND TURN-ED THEM INTO MITTENS!"
"What's going on here?" Gaster walked into the brother's room looking angry. He was in the middle of some important research and the LAST thing he needed was a screaming baby bones distracting him from his work. "I told you two to go to bed-"
"SNAS KILL DA' DOODY DOGS!"
Gaster looked down at the puppets and pinched the space between his eyes in irritation. "Those are puppets Papyrus."
"SNAS PUT DA' DEAD DOGGIES ON HIS HANDS AND TRIED TO PAY WIT DA' BABY!"
"NO I DIDN'T!"
Papyrus scrunched up his face at the wall behind Sans."You's naaaasty big Buther."
Gaster picked up the puppets. "Where did you even get these?"
They look like those two guardsman…
"i made them."
"I'd be inclined to believe you, but that would require having an iota of talent..which you do not."
"You better be nice to my big Buther Daddy or he gonna turn YOU into mittens! He sick in da' head, you know? Snas a dangerous criminal…"
"no i'm no-"
"Glass houses child," said Gaster walking away with the puppets. He closed the door to the room behind him, leaving the brothers alone.
The two were silent for a moment, listening to their father walk down the hall until the baby bones finally spoke. "Baby thinks you got talent big Buther, it would be awful nice if you'd make da' baby some doggy mittens…"
"how bout' NO?"said Sans still trying not to cry. He had worked hard on those puppets…
"Yes! We makes da' mittens! LOTS of mittens! We makes the mittens and then da' profit! We sells the warm doggy mittens to the peoples in the snowy place and then we get dat dough yo!"
"and then we get arrested you mean."
"Nuh-uh! We sells them by the bar to da' drunks! They not know no better cause' their heads be fuzzy with the alkyhol. They probably think 'look at those nice mittens them widdle skellys are selling! They working so hard, I should gives them lots of monies-'"
"iiii don't think so lil' bro," said Sans laughing.
"…You negative as hell big Buther."
"i'm not negative, i'm realistic."
"You's negative and you shoots down baby's dweams! I's trying to make it big, but you bringing me down brah!"
"stop talking to jerry."
"Next you gonna say baby can't smoke da' marijuana…"
"YOU CAN'T."
"DADDDDYYY! DA' MAN'S BRINGING ME DOWN DADDYYYY!"
"…."
The next morning the boys left for Snowdin, Papyrus leading the way to Sans' surprise.
Ohhh boy...
Please don't be a dead mouse or another secret puptart experiment...
"We go in there!"said Papyrus pointing to a big two-story house. A memory flashed through Sans' mind, he recalled his brother mentioning a house for sale a long time ago.
Is THAT why he was trying to make money?
Did he buy us a new friggen' place to LIVE?!
...
No, no way. That's stupid. No one's gonna sell a house to a baby. He probably wants something inside.
Peering into the window, he saw that there was in fact, furniture in the house. Someone CLEARLY lived there already.
"Nyeh! Nyyyeh!" Papyrus pulled a key out of his orange onesie and tried to put it in the lock with the help of his wingdings, but it was still hard to aim. There were a lot of things he still couldn't do well with his wingdings being a baby and all. It was a shame too as this was the time of his life where he couldn't be put in jail for anything and it frustrated Papyrus to no end.
"uhh we're not allowed in other people's houses bro...I told you that before, remember?"
Papyrus ignored him and continued to struggle with the key. The Fonts in the Dingbats family were special skeletons who had the strange ability to summon odd things regardless of their typing.
Papyrus could not only summon nine hands, but many other things too...as long as they weren't too complicated for the baby that is. He had to draw the things he wanted to summon and some were just too hard right now. He could draw the sun and raindrop for example, but the snowflake? Psh.
For a moment he contemplated whether or not to draw a bomb and simply blow up the door but...
"a random key won't fit into just ANY lock pappy, different keys go to different locks..."
"ERRRRNNN!"
"let's just wait for the people to come home, it doesn't look like the lights are on. when they come home they may let us inside or forget to lock their door."
And by then maybe you'll forget about it and move on to something else.
Frustrated, the baby bones plopped down in the snow and looked up at his brother hopefully. "We pays da' hide n' seek?"
"*sigh* sure thing lil' bro. lemme find a tree..."said Sans reluctantly. Hide n' Seek was hard and dangerous in Snowdin, but it was Papyrus's favorite game and if it drew him away from the crime he was trying to commit...
Finding a tree Sans covered his head with his arms and began to count. "ten, nine, eight..."
"Nyeh heh heh!" Papyrus laughed deviously and rubbed his hands together, turning back to the door.
"seven six five-"
"Not so fast big Buther, starts it over!"cried the baby angrily, summoning the pointing hand with his wingdings. He drew an empty square with it on the door and watched as the wood inside the square disintegrated before crawling inside the house. Once inside he drew a filled square (otherwise known as the "q" on the wingding's board) and returned the door to it's normal state.
He was such a smart baby.
"ready or not, here i co-" Sans stopped short and frowned upon seeing his brother's crawl tracks in the snow lead to the house...and nowhere else.
Little bastard's inside isn't he?
Turning the doorknob, he found that it opened with ease.
Yep.
"paaaappyyyy! where are you pappyyy?" called Sans beginning to look around the house.
How did he even get in here?
"I's right here big Buther!"called Papyrus. He was hiding under a baby blanket by the couch.
"where though? i don't see you pap! heh heh heh…"
"Then you needs the glasses cause' da' baby's right here."
"are yoooou under the couch?"
"No, I's under my blanky."
"are yooou behind the tv?"
"The blanky big Buther."
Sans tapped on the wall. "are yooou in the wall?"
"…..No."
"in the trashcan?"
"…"
"are yooou in someone else's house without their permission even though i told you not to go inside?"
"You's cwazy Snas, dis MY house!"said Baby Papyrus pulling on his blanket slightly.
"this isn't your house pap."
"Yes it is! I buy-ded it with the monies I maked!"
Sans chuckled, thoroughly amused. "no one's gonna sell a baby bones a house lil' bro."
Especially if that baby's YOU.
"They will if I tells em' they gots to…I says "you gots to sell da' baby dis house cause' I's cute and gots lots of monies" and then they sells it for cheap!"
"yeah right, no one's gonna just DO things because you TELL them to papyrus."
Papyrus pulled a bunch of papers out of his orange onesie.
"what is that?"
"These da' house papers. I weads it good and it say baby has to keep giving the monies to live here-NYEH!"The baby bones cried out as Sans snatched up the papers and began to read.
"….."
"….."
"….you know dad is gonna have a fit about this right?"
"Daddy can sucks it, dis MY wife and I does what I wants! See dis couch?"Papyrus slapped the green couch several times. "I buys dis couch! I don't needs no stink Daddy!"
I wondered why someone would own a green couch with purple and blue carpet. Did Pap carry all this in with his wingdings? Who's SELLING this stuff to him?!
"you bought all this furniture…?"
"Yep. Baby got style for a mile!"
"why's there a huge table by the door?"
"Dat's where we eats…stupid."
"dining tables belong in the kitchen."
Smartass.
"Our wooms be up there,"said Papyrus ignoring Sans and pointing upstairs.
He made us rooms?!
Sans immediately went upstairs to check them out.
"HEY! DON'T WEAVE DA' BABY!" yelled Papyrus crawling after him as fast as he could. It was too bad HE wasn't Comic Sans, if he were HE'D be able to teleport too…
"wow bro, is this your room? it looks so cool!" exclaimed Sans looking at the flame carpet. The room lacked a bed, but it had a bookcase an empty table and an empty desk, plenty of room to put new neat stuff.
"I still needs a cwib…and I gots to get some toys. All babies need toys ya' know?"
Sans raced out of the room, excited to see his own.
I hope it's got a bookshelf like pap's!
The comedian opened the door and went inside.
"Daaaamn Snas! You can't just wush off without da' baby!" yelled Papyrus struggling to catch up."I gots da' gerbal legs!"
The baby skeleton eventually made it to Sans' room breathing hard. He was still tired from moving all the furniture today. His older brother was silently staring at the interior of the room.
"…."
"Dis yo' woom. I puts da' bed on the ground so you doesn't fall out and get killed," said Papyrus proudly.
"….."
"See dat exer-cise machine?"
"…"
"I buys it cause' you's fat."
"….."
"I already made-ed the kitchen too…"
"….."
"Would you wike some ice for dat burn big Buther?"
"oh okay, i see how it is…"
"But you can't see the baby under da' blanky?"
Sans teleported home.
"Nyeh heh ha ha ha ha!"
That's what Snas got for doubting the baby…he got a stink room.