Author's note –

This is my longest chapter yet! After completing it, it felt a little dramatic to me, let me know what you think!

Also, I do not own Gintama!

'Kagura-chan, I've been meaning to ask but, where have you been going lately?'

Kagura froze with her spoon of rice half-way to her mouth at Shinpachi's innocently asked question. From the corner of her eye, she could see Gin-chan peek at her from behind his JUMP. She continued eating her breakfast and adopted, what she hoped was a neutral tone as she answered.

'Oh, just going around Kabukicho, lazing around the park, harassing Madao. The usual.' She hoped they didn't pick up on the nervousness in her voice.

Shinpachi was frowning. 'Are you sure you're okay? You've been waking up earlier than normal, even in time for breakfast. Not that I'm complaining but I just want to make sure you're doing fine. And you don't even come home for lunch. Where do you eat?'

Kagura started eating with more vigor, hoping that with her mouth full, she wouldn't have to answer him right away. Not that it had ever stopped her before. She loved Shinpachi for worrying about her but she couldn't bring herself to tell him the whole truth. So she went with the half-truth.

'I'm completely fine. I just get hungry in the morning and that wakes me up. And I've been having lunch with the sadist. I more or less saved his life so the least he can do is feed me as payment, you know.' She could feel Gintoki's stare on the side of her face but she refused to look up. The man was more perceptive than he let on.

Kagura wasn't sure why she wasn't telling the two people who were like a family to her that she had been spending her days with the sadist. After her dramatic performance, she was sure that the both of them had an idea of how she felt toward the sadist. But after years of hating the guy on principle, she herself hadn't come to terms with her...mushy feelings toward him. She was aware of it, but that didn't mean she was a-okay with it. And just the thought of admitting to someone else that she had, in fact, fallen for the sadist, made her nauseous.

The past few weeks she had spent with him hadn't helped her either. The first time, he had asked her to stay while holding her hand and she had silently agreed. The moment had been rife with awkwardness from their completely uncharacteristic actions but his next words had disrupted it and brought them back into their familiar zone.

'China, I'm going to have to be celibate for the next two years. I'm pretty sure you broke my thing.'

'Hah! Good! I did the women of Edo a favor. I'm such a philanderer!'

'It's philanthropist. And are you sure you did it for the women of Edo? I'm thinking you just wanted me all to yourself. Really, China, if that was the case, you just had to ask.'

'AS IF! Who would want a rotten person like you! You don't even..it's not even…that thing is gross and I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole!'

'You already did though. And you seemed to be enjoying it seeing as you had your hand on it for a good five minutes. I never knew you had such a perverted mind.'

'Oi. Want me to go again? This time, I'll really break it.'

The effect of her threat had been ruined because of her flaming cheeks and they had continued their exchange like they always did, their hands still entwined. They only let go when a knock had sounded on the door and a Shinsengumi member had come in with his lunch. She had gotten up to leave and he'd demanded that she come again tomorrow.

'I always repay my debts and this is better than hearing you whine about payment.'

She had huffed, as if annoyed at the idea but once her back was toward him, her lips had unwillingly curled upwards into a small smile. Had she looked back, she would have seen him watching her with a smile of his own and a distinct longing in his eyes.

'Oh, how is Okita-san doing? Are his injuries healing well?' Shinpachi's voice brought Kagura's attention back. He seemed to have ignored the rest of her statement about payment and she was glad for it. Even Gintoki had returned to his JUMP.

'Yep. What would happen to him anyway? That guy is like evil incarnate. Even wounds don't want to be near him for longer than a day.' Done with the conversation, she quickly finished her last bowl of rice and was out the door with her umbrella before Shinpachi could reply.

As she walked down the streets of Kabukicho, she thought about how the sadist was recovering faster than the average human. The other day, he had gotten tired of lying in his room and asked her to tag along as he walked around the compound, which was apparently code for 'try to kill the mayo-addict'. They had sneaked around Mayora's room and planted tiny explosives, put laxatives in his mayonnaise stash, and sprinkled itching powder on his uniforms. By the end, Kagura had fully understood how the sadist had kept up his efforts of trying to kill Hijikata. It was an oddly satisfying act. The sadist had also seemed far more energetic afterwards, as if his life force had been replenished. Which, in a way, it had, since the sadist lived to kill his superior.

When they had walked around the back, they'd seen a group of men practicing sword swings, and Kagura's white cheongsam had garnered a lot of stares.

'Tch. What the hell are they looking at?' The sadist had sounded annoyed and a tiny tiny tiny part of Kagura had perked up, hoping he was jealous.

'At me, duh. You guys have that stupid no-women policy and showing them a beautiful woman like me is like showing a delicious juicy steak to a starving lion.'

The sadist had made a show of looking around and then stared at her with a blank look. 'Where's the woman? Aaaaah. I see. These people are so starved that a pig like you is starting to look like a woman. I feel bad for them. Maybe I should schedule a trip to Yoshiwara to show them what real women look like.'

Because no words would have calmed her rage, she had resorted to kicking him. He had flown right into the swarm of men, who had backed away as if faced with a time bomb, their gazes swinging between her and their captain.

'The hell are you doing, China?! I'm not completely healed yet!'

'Heh. And? Are you saying that's enough to stop you? I've been getting bored, you know? If you're going to be lazing around like this, maybe I should go find another rival. Someone strong enough to keep up with me.' Kagura had noticed that he had been getting antsy staying cooped up in his room. The only reason she'd provoked him was because it would serve his purpose of letting out some steam and her purpose of beating him up.

'Oi. Give me your sword.' He'd called out to the group of men without taking his gaze off her. His eyes had been burning with excitement, fury, and something else she couldn't put her finger on. When she ran toward him, umbrella raised, Kagura thought it might have been jealousy.

Although his left arm was in a cast and the cuts on his back were yet to heal completely, he was plenty strong. Kagura wasn't going all out, she was mindful of his injuries, but she was using a considerable amount of strength and the fight left her with a newfound level of respect for him and another feeling which had her blushing from the roots of hair to her toes. She was hot for him. And she hated it. She didn't need another reason to like the idiot. Even if this had little to do with like and more to do with lust.

The crowd that had gathered was smart enough to stay a good distance away from the fight but looked on with awe as their heavily injured captain went toe-to-toe with a Yato. Their fun ended a few minutes later when they were interrupted by Hijikata who had yelled at the sadist saying he was not going to get any more paid leaves and if he were to get injured again, he'd have to commit seppuku.

'Die, Hijikata.' The sadist had looked pissed but Kagura had noticed the strain on his face from having overexerted himself.

'I'm letting you off easy today, sadist. But tomorrow, I'm going to wipe the floor with you.'

'I'd like to see you try, China.'

She had left then, but hadn't followed through with her promise because the next day, he could barely move around.

He'd been sitting on the engawa when she'd arrived and when he'd caught sight of her, his eyes had brightened and his lips had curved the tiniest bit. Kagura's heart had skipped a beat and she had thought he was happy to see her. She was about to give him a small smile of her own when he had ruined the moment by opening his mouth.

'Yo. You're here early today. Must be nice being jobless.'

He had barely managed to duck out of the way of her swinging umbrella, hissing out a breath as his face contorted in pain.

'What's wrong?' Kagura had asked, immediately crouching by his side.

'I can't believe you're asking me that after attacking me with your brute strength. Really, how dumb are you?' He was taking measured breaths and leaning against the pillar for support.

She'd reached over and twisted his nipple which had him grunting in pain. He tried crushing her wrist with his hand, but to Kagura, it only felt like a great massage. She kept twisting and only released him when he let out a shout.

'Now, let's try that again. What's wrong?'

Glaring at her, he rubbed his chest area and answered through gritted teeth. 'I fought with a pig yesterday and opened my wounds. Thanks to that, I can't even lift my hand without it hurting.'

Kagura chose to ignore his insult because she felt horrible. She had had good intentions when she'd started the fight but clearly her plan had ignored the long-term consequences. He might have seemed invincible to her but she had to remind herself that he was just human. His body didn't heal as fast as hers and if not treated properly, it could cause permanent damage.

'Oh.'

'What's with that face, China? Don't tell me you're feeling guilty?'

He'd raised a mocking brow and she'd wanted to lie and say she would never feel guilty about causing him pain but she couldn't bring herself to do it. It wasn't that she was opposed to the idea of him hurting. Hell, she'd broken numerous bones in his body and the foundation of their relationship meant pain was a given. But this was different because his pain was a constant reminder of how someone else had hurt him and how she'd almost lost him. Overwhelmed by that knowledge, she couldn't lie.

'Yeah, I am. I know you're not a superhuman or a Yato. I should have been more mindful of that.'

Her statement had surprised him and he made no effort to hide it. His eyes had widened and Kagura had held his stare despite the heat rising in her cheeks.

'Oi, China. Are you sure you're okay? Are you hungry? Is the hunger affecting your practically non-existent brain?' His mocking tone had only pissed her off.

'Shut up, you stupid Chihuahua! I'm being serious. One hit and you could have bled to death! AGAIN!'

'Tch. Don't you think you're underestimating me? I know your fighting style better than I know my own. Besides, it's not a big deal. What are you getting so worked up about?'

Kagura had stared at his partly mocking and partly confused expression for a long time, flabbergasted at his nonchalant response. Her shock, however, had quickly turned to outrage. How could he be so emotionally ignorant? When she opened her mouth to respond, she had only meant to tell him that he was being an insensitive jerk, along with a few colorful insults, but when she spoke, the words just ran away from her. It was in the heat of moment that she spilled everything she had been thinking of. The burden of holding it in for too long getting too heavy for her heart to carry.

'No big deal? NO BIG DEAL? You almost died! DIED! And that was only a few days ago and the fact that you're even sitting here and talking to me feels surreal because I thought we wouldn't ever be able to do this again! I thought I would never see you again or fight you again and do you know how completely terrifying that feeling is?! Do you know what I went through when I saw you laying like a fucking corpse and everybody was crying and you wouldn't bloody wake up no matter how much I called out and yelled? Do you know what everybody else went through!? The fucking gorilla cried enough to fill up an ocean and even that proud-as-fuck Mayo-addict was sobbing. And after putting us through all of that, you have the nerve to tell me that the fact that you could die again is NOT A BIG DEAL?!'

She had just screamed the last four words when she felt herself being pulled by the wrist into a hard chest. Her eyes widened and she realized that sometime during her outburst she had started crying. His right arm came around her waist and pulled her in tighter, his chin coming to rest on top of her head. The unexpected action made her cry harder and she clutched the front of his yukata, her whole body wracked by sobs.

He didn't speak, nor did he console her in any way, just let her cry into his chest for what seemed like hours but was probably a few minutes. Kagura had never been good at containing her emotions. She freely expressed everything she felt and pretending to be normal for the last few days had been eating her up on the inside. But now that the storm of thoughts and emotions had been let out, she felt relieved, as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.

When her tears finally stopped and she felt more in control, she started noticing things she'd missed before. How his right hand was drawing comforting circles on her back, how he smelled like the expensive laundry detergent that Gin-chan couldn't afford, and how hard the muscles beneath her fingers were. His touch was sending pleasant shivers down her body and she blushed as she realized the direction her thoughts were heading in. She was about to pull away when she heard him speak. Unlike the last time, when he'd asked her not to leave in barely a whisper, this time, his voice was loud and clear.

'I'm sorry.'

Kagura was aware of the significance of his words. The sadist did not apologize. Ever. Even if he was sorry, he would find ways to indirectly show it. The fact that he had given her the words touched Kagura. She didn't need anything else. His tone was full of sincerity and she knew that he would never say something he didn't mean.

She nodded into his chest and feeling brave, looped her arms around his back; her way of accepting his apology. He was warm and his heart was beating in a slow thud-thud rhythm beneath her ear, making her feel all fuzzy. She thought of how they must look from the outside, him sitting and leaning against the pillar and her sitting between his legs with her face buried in his chest. The embarrassment from the mental image made Kagura want to pull away but she was enjoying the contact so much that she didn't care. She was surprised the sadist hadn't pulled away or made a rude comment but she obviously wasn't going to bring it up.

They sat like that in silence for another few minutes, neither of them speaking or letting go, until nearby voices caused them to spring apart as if they had been caught doing the dirty. Kagura had been too embarrassed to look at him but couldn't resist sneaking a few glances. He was staring at the Shinsengumi men who had come out for their everyday practice but his cheeks were dusted with the lightest shade of pink.

As Kagura thought back on how she had left in a hurry, making a lame excuse of walking Sadaharu, she couldn't help but remark on the strangeness of her actions. The past-her wouldn't have grabbed the sadist's crotch even if it was to hurt him. She wouldn't have admitted to him about how much she cared for his presence in her life. And she definitely would have laughed her ass off if someone had told her that she and the sadist would be sharing a heartfelt hug in the future.

Kagura had never considered herself normal given her Yato heritage and her upbringing. Until she was fourteen, she had only known of familial love. And after she had met Gin-chan, Shinpachi, and Anego, she had found that she was capable of loving people who weren't blood relations. However, her love for them had felt comforting, warm, and safe. It was very much like what her earlier family had been like before her mami had fallen sick.

So when she had started falling for the sadist, her emotions had caused havoc inside her mind. When she would wait at the park, waiting for him to show up, she would feel equal parts of anticipation and nervousness. When he would arrive, she felt instantly happy before her anxiety would set in. And when they ultimately fought, she would be left with a feeling of incomplete satisfaction. Her emotions were in such contrast that she wasn't sure of anything anymore. Over the years, she'd learned to either suppress or ignore her feelings and that had worked well until…it hadn't.

Even now, she wasn't sure of what she was doing. Visiting him for the first few days had been understandable. She'd given herself the excuse of wanting to see if he was recovering well but it had been a few weeks since then. Right now, he was completely fine and would probably start work soon. Then, there's no reason for me to see him now?

She stopped when she realized she'd reached the Kabukicho park. Their park. Feeling the need to sort through her thoughts, she sat down on the bench the sadist always napped on. Recalling their relationship throughout the years, she tried searching for any hint that the sadist might reciprocate her feelings. But all she could think of were sparring sessions, wounds inflicted, and insults thrown. It wasn't just that though. There had been times when he'd treated her to lunch after a particularly intense fight, when she'd cheered him up when he was sulking, and when they'd given each other a sense of normalcy when their everyday world had crumbled around them. But depending on the perspective, those acts fell within the realm of friendship or camaraderie. They were, after all, comrades in battle.

Kagura didn't know how the sadist felt about her. He hid all his emotions from the rest of the world, except for his sadism, which he displayed proudly and blatantly. A part of her wanted to think that his willingness to spend time with her and the hug he'd initiated separated her from the rest. But what if that was just a way to avoid boredom? Even when he would seek her out for a fight before, he'd make it clear that it was because patrolling was a mundane job and he wanted some entertainment. Maybe that was all she was to him; an interesting way to pass time. As for the hug…

The sadist might act heartless but he wasn't. His sister and the gorilla were proof of that. She'd heard from Gin-chan about how much he'd loved his sister and everybody saw how much he respected the gorilla. So maybe that was just his way of making up for the cruel and insensitive thing he'd said?

'GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. I don't understand! What am I suppose to do?' Kagura had yelled her frustration out loud to the empty park. She knew that the obvious answer to all her questions was to just ask the sadist but the day she did that would be the day Shinpachi burned his Otsu DVDs. Kagura was plenty brave when it came to many things but matters of the heart were definitely not her forte.

Maybe I should consult Anego?

Kagura dismissed the thought as soon as it popped up. She wasn't ready for anyone else to know about her feelings for the sadist. And she also desperately wanted to be rid of this weird feeling in her chest. Then, there's only one option left.

This was written in a hurry so I apologize if I haven't made many things clear – especially Kagura's feelings. I'll try to edit this if I have the time.