Chapter 16: Lost

"You can't make a half sandwich. If it's not half of a whole sandwich, it's just a small sandwich." - Sheldon

Carly had taken a month off of work for FMLA, taking care of her grandmother who hadn't been able to walk on her own after getting out of the hospital a week after her stroke. She was undergoing physical therapy to get her motion back but it was a slow process and Carly couldn't abandon her, no matter how many times her grandmother lectured her about going back to Pasadena.

Truthfully, she didn't want to go back. Not yet at least. The day after she had rushed to Burbank to find her grandmother asleep in a hospital bed, looking like she could be dying, she had found out that Sheldon had left.

Penny and Leonard had no choice in the matter. Penny told her over the phone, pain-stricken, that they had tried convincing him to come home with them but he had been stubborn, overwhelmed, and an apparent need to clear his head.

Carly knew how he felt. She too was overwhelmed and he was one of the reasons. Immediately after getting off the phone with Penny, she had tried calling him. He still hadn't answered.

So she tried texting him. No answer.

Not at first.

A week later he had texted her back.

"I'm fine. Don't worry."

As if she couldn't worry about him. She loved him.

She didn't know how to feel about the situation. He had just up and left, not planning on talking to her at all. She felt betrayed almost. Didn't he love her back?

She knew he was having a hard time but she wished he had leaned on her. She could have taken it.

Hell, she wished she could lean on him. Her grandmother was struggling and she was lost in limbo. She could have used one of his special hugs.

She felt like their relationship had stopped. Not that they had broken up but that they were paused, like a DVD. Not knowing where they'd end up once they hit play on the remote. It made her heart hurt.

Penny had texted her and kept her in the loop. Apparently, Sheldon wasn't talking to anyone. Yet, it still hurt.

Would he come back? And if so, when?

She couldn't think about it. Her grandmother needed her.

"Carly. Dear, you know how much I love having you around. I appreciate your help these past few weeks but... You need to go back to Pasadena."

Carly looked up at her grandmother, using a walker now and standing in the doorway of the yellow floral bathroom.

"Why all of a sudden?" She asked, already planning on refusing to leave but wanting to know her reasonings this time.

"Because you're currently on the bathroom floor with a toothbrush, scrubbing the cracks," her grandmother laughed incredulously, unable to comprehend how her granddaughter didn't see it.

Carly looked down at the old toothbrush in her hand, the strong smell of ammonia and vinegar surrounding her.

The window in the other room from behind her grandma was darkened and she realized she had been cleaning all day.

"It needs to be done," she told her simply and went back to scrubbing.

Her grandma sighed dramatically. "Please don't make me get angry."

Carly paused and stared ahead, biting her lip in concentration. "There's nothing back in Pasadena for me right now. I've been thinking that I just should move back in."

"Like hell you are!"

Carly was startled by the sudden curse from her grandma. She never spoke like that. With widened eyes, Carly stood. "You need me, grandma."

"I do not! It was a mild stroke and I'm getting rid of this blessed walker next week. Besides, I have Tom now. He's here every day and if I need anything, he will help me. I don't need you moping around, scrubbing things with a toothbrush to distract yourself from Sheldon!"

Carly gulped and looked away, caught redhanded. She had told her grandmother everything and so she knew exactly how Carly was handling his departure.

At her response, her grandmother softened her voice. "It's been a month sweetheart. Go home. Go to work. I'll be fine."

Carly trembled at the thought, her eyes burning with unshed tears. "I know you'll be fine," she mumbled, sniffing as she ran a hand through her unwashed hair. Sheldon would be repulsed by her at the moment- or impressed by how thorough she was being with cleaning. "It's me I'm worried about."

Her grandma sighed, wishing she could take her into her arms but she was currently disabled. "Carly, he'll come back. His works in Pasadena, his friends, his home- you. He said he needed to clear his head. Let him do so."

"But it's been a month!" Carly protested, unwilling to believe for a minute Sheldon would just come back so easily after how long he'd been gone. "What's taking him so long?"

"Honey, from what you've told me... he is going through a really hard time right now. Changing his profession, his best friend getting engaged and possibly moving out- then there's you. You've completely turned his life upside down, Carly. Don't you think the man deserves a break to get his thoughts in order?"

Why did she have to make sense? Carly's shoulders slumped and she dropped her eyes to the ground, no longer feeling like cleaning. She needed to get herself together. If he did come back, she needed to be there for him.

If he still wanted her.

That was her biggest fear. After his break would he want to be with her? If she was adding to his stress, how could she be okay with him? She was supposed to calm him, not make it worse. She had thought they were progressing. He had even told her he wanted to get intimate with her. What had changed so suddenly?

Carly knew her grandmother was right though. She couldn't hold herself up in Burbank forever. She had a life. A job. Friends.

Her heart ached. Her friends. Just thinking about them made her want to cry, but how could she look at them and be in that apartment without Sheldon? It would hurt too much.

The next day, Carly packed her belongings. Soon after coming to see her grandmother, her car had been fixed and she had met Penny to exchange cars. She then had stopped off at her apartment and grabbed essentials.

Now she'd be returning. She had spent the whole night thinking about it and she knew she'd need to grow a pair and stop running. It wasn't good for her and she missed Penny. She was always a light in the darkest of days.

Plus, Bernadette had been texting her about the wedding, asking if she was still coming even if Sheldon wasn't.

Carly couldn't miss out on her and Howard's big day, she was also one of the bridesmaids.

Howard would be going to space soon too. A lot was going on in Pasadena and she knew she belonged there.

It was funny though. For the longest time, she had thought the only place she would call home was with her grandmother. Life in Pasadena had changed her.

Carly made sure that her grandmother would be okay, the risk of her almost dying scared the crap out of her but she couldn't linger around the old woman. She'd probably cut Carly's head off if she did.

So she packed up her car and left. She knew it would be different. Sheldon wouldn't be there. He wouldn't greet her with his small smile, he wouldn't laugh at her teasing, he wouldn't ask her to look at the mole on his neck for the hundredth time because he swore it had gotten bigger. He wouldn't look at her from across the room, holding feelings for her that only she would understand. He wouldn't hold her hand when she least expected it. He wouldn't hold her when she cried and make her hot tea afterward. He wouldn't kiss her...

He just wouldn't be there.

She was proud of herself. She didn't cry until she reached the apartment building. Seeing it again after all that time brought forth the emotions she had been trying so hard to suppress.

She walked up the familiar flight of stairs with her bag, remembering all the times she had taken them with Sheldon. His eyes catching hers and making her feel the most intense butterflies she'd ever experienced.

She unlocked her apartment door numbly then walked in, turning on the lights. Home...

She looked around seeing it exactly how she left it. Books everywhere, clothes laying around. She had been so tired that week before Sheldon had left.

With determination, she took her time and cleaned the apartment top to bottom. She was disgusted to see dishes still sitting in her sink, dirty and smelling. After a couple of hours, Carly felt better. The apartment smelled nice and the energy was no longer stale. She opened one of her windows to let the sunny autumn air in, enjoying the crisp smell of fallen leaves infiltrating the rooms.

The last thing she needed to do was her laundry and so she grabbed her basket full of all of the dirty clothes she collected off the floors and made her way down to the laundry room.

Upon entering, she stopped, tears burning her nose as she looked around. If she imagined hard enough, she could see Sheldon standing there, sorting his laundry in the washer and telling her all sorts of ancient laundry facts. Or maybe it'd be about the latest Flash comic book he was reading. Or a tv show.

She swallowed and made her way into the empty room, trying not to think about him. It would do her no good.

As she was turning her washer on, she heard footsteps and she turned around just in time to see Penny. At the sight of her best friend, she broke down and grinned despite herself.

"Carly?!" Penny gasped, her laundry basket of sheets dropping to the floor in her shock. "You're back!"

It didn't take long at all for the blond to reach her and pull her into a bone-crushing hug. Carly melted into the embrace, wrapping her arms around her. "I missed you, Penny," she murmured into her ear, emotionally.

Penny squeezed her and then released her enough to hold her shoulders. The girls grinned, happy tears in their eyes.

"I missed you too! I thought you were staying longer," Penny admitted, then thought of something. "Wait, your grandmother is okay, right? The last time you updated me you said that you had a nurse coming to help."

Carly nodded. "Yeah, she's fine. Grumpy as all get out but she's fine. She enjoys the nurse a little too much I think. It's a man," she explained, laughing at her grandma. She had been unabashedly flirting with him each time he came over.

Penny laughed. "I'm glad she's okay... and how are you?"

She had asked it casually enough but her eyes were worried. Carly knew what she was referring to. "I'm all right I guess." She turned and walked away, grabbing her basket.

Penny frowned but went to her washer and spilled the sheets out of her basket, using Carly's laundry detergent she had sitting there before she could grab it. Carly didn't mind.

"Are you sure?" Penny asked her after a moment, busying herself as Carly stood behind her, staring at the wall.

"Yeah... Um, how is the wedding going? It's in two weeks. I know Bernadette has been texting me every day."

Penny was still worried but she took the bait and turned the washer on, then spun around to look at her. "It's going. Bernadette is a stressed mess. Her wedding is in two weeks, one of the groomsmen is MIA, and her husband going into space the day after."

Carly winced at the mention of Sheldon but grimaced. "I can't imagine how stressed she is. Should we take her out?"

Penny shook her head. "I've tried getting her out. She refuses."

Carly nodded, concerned about Bernadette now. Poor thing. She should have texted her back all those times.

Penny eyed her friend, watching as she got lost in her thoughts again. Something was different about her, she just couldn't figure out what. Carly didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it either so she figured she'd have to just keep an eye on her.

"I'm surprised you haven't commented on my haircut," Penny grinned sheepishly, drawing Carly's attention back on her.

Her eyes widened as she looked Penny over, taking in the short style. "Oh my gosh, you're right! I did notice but I was too surprised to see you at all! It looks wonderful! You're definitely brave to do that."

Penny waved her off, feigning embarrassment because she was flattered. "I don't think it's that brave to cut hair but eh! I am trying to get a new job. I've decided that I don't need acting or the Cheesecake Factory. I need to do something different, you know?"

Carly nodded, smiling and happy for her friend. "That sounds lovely. Any idea on what you'd like to do?"

Penny tilted her head and they headed out of the laundry room together, walking up the flights of stairs side by side. "Well, Bernadette thinks she can get me on at her pharmaceutical company as a sales rep. I've got an interview in a few days. I'm super nervous about it."

Carly smiled reassuringly at her. "Don't be. You're great at convincing people to do things. I'm sure you'll be an amazing saleswoman."

Penny grinned at her. "God it's good to have you back, Carl's. You are the light in my world."

Carly gaped, stunned by this. "That's so odd because I feel the same about you."

Penny laughed. "Awe, sweetie. You've made my day."

When they got to the second floor, Penny paused by Carly's door. "Will you join us for dinner tonight? We're having Thai food."

Carly froze. If it had been any other night, she'd agree in an instant. However the fact that Sheldon wouldn't be there pained her.

But she didn't want to be alone. It just left her to her depressing thoughts. She conjured up a smile, noticing the way Penny was staring at her in a growing concern. "Sure, that sounds great. I haven't had Thai food in a while."

Penny smiled sadly at her. "Okay, see you then."

Carly nodded and they parted ways. She finished her laundry and took a quick shower, washing the dirt and grime from her cleaning spree off of her. She dressed in a pair of jeans and a white sweater before heading up to 4A.

Her heartfelt empty, knowing who would be absent, as she knocked on the door. Penny threw it open, looking just as happy to see her as she had before.

"Hey! Glad you came!" She said brightly and led her inside. "Leonard just got back with dinner. The others will be here shortly."

Carly swallowed, trying to avoid looking at the empty cushion on the couch. She looked to Leonard instead, who was pulling the cartons out of the brown paper bag, and smiling over at her.

"Hey Leonard," Carly greeted, her voice choking on her emotions. Perhaps this was a mistake.

He rounded the counter and went over to her, pulling her into a warm hug. She sighed, smelling the apartment she always associated with Sheldon on him. "Carly! I'm so glad you're back. It's definitely not the same without you."

Or without him, she finished in her head as they pulled back from their embrace. She smiled at him, tears beginning in her eyes and holding them at bay for all their benefits.

"I missed you guys," she told him, glancing at Penny warmly. "All of you."

Leonard faltered in his smile and she looked away, unable to confront the elephant in the room. He seemed to realize this and so as he walked back over to the counter, he asked. "How's your grandmother doing?"

Carly bit her lip, walking over to him as Penny layout the table cloth on the coffee table behind her. "She's doing much better. Physical therapy has done wonders. She shouldn't need the walker for much longer."

"That's such a relief," he told her happily. Just then the door swung open and she turned around to see the rest of her friends walk in.

As soon as Bernadette saw her, she gasped and ran over to her to throw a finger in her face, looking half angry and half hurt. Carly took a step backward, surprised by the small girl's ferocity.

"You're back and you didn't tell me?!" Her high-pitched voice went up another few octaves.

Carly broke her surprise and smiled uneasily at her. "Just got back today. It was a last-minute decision. Besides, how would I live with myself if I missed your wedding," she told her, glancing to Howard who got to her side with a smile on his face.

"I'm glad you're back," he told her, as Raj hurried over and leaned in to whisper in Howard's ear. Howard's smile widened. "Raj says he missed your warm smile."

Raj blushed, looking down and then back up at her under his eyelashes. Carly gave them a grateful smile. "I missed you guys too," she told them earnestly and then looked back down to Bernadette who began sniffling.

"Do you know how worried I was about you?" She squeaked and then grabbed Carly into a hug and held her so tight that Carly had a hard time breathing.

Carly felt her heartache at her words, not fully realizing until that moment that her friends cared about her to this extent. If she was honest with herself, she had expected them to fall back into their old ways without her, not caring if she were absent.

It warmed her heart that it wasn't the case. This was her family. How had she stayed away from them so long?

After Bernadette finally let her go, they sat around the coffee table to eat. Carly noticed they had kept the cushion where Sheldon normally sat empty.

The warm gushy feelings she had before tarnished by the loss at the reminder that not all of her family was there that night.

She told them of her time with her grandmother, catching them up. They told her about the wedding plans, the preparations for Howard's trip to space, and the expectancy of Penny getting a new job.

They all were careful to not bring up Sheldon, which she appreciated but at the same time felt sad about. God, she missed him so much.

After they cleaned up after dinner and the others left, Bernadette making Carly promise not to disappear again, Carly excused herself to the bathroom while Leonard and Penny were making a pot of coffee.

Upon reaching the door, she couldn't help but look at Sheldon's closed bedroom door. The remainder of him made her want to cry all over again. The memories she had of kissing him for the first time and sleeping next to him, made her chest tighten painfully. She reached for her heart, grabbing the sweater there with tight fingers.

God Sheldon, where are you? Why did you leave me?

An invisible force drew her to the door and turn the doorknob. Heart beginning to race, wishing she'd see him inside, she opened it.

Everything was exactly how he'd left it- bed made, clothes in his hamper, curtains drawn. His bathrobe hung on the hook behind the door.

She walked into the room, looking down at the bed. This was as close to him as she could get at the moment. She slid her fingers along the bedspread, chest constricting. A choked sob escaped her and she dropped to his bed.

She could smell him. Everywhere. It was like he was there. Full out crying now, she lay down and grabbed the bedspread, bunching it in her fists and pulling to her face as she let the hurt and loss consume her that she had been holding in for a month now.

She loved him. So much it hurt. How could be have done this to her? How could he have just left her? He wouldn't call her. Wouldn't text her.

It was as if he didn't care-

But the words Penny and her grandmother had told her reminded her that he was gone because he cared. He cared too much and he couldn't handle it.

But would he come back? Would he decide that it was okay to care for her this much?

She was scared too. Terrified to lose him. Couldn't he see that it was normal to feel that way?

But it wasn't just her, she chastised herself. He'd lose Leonard one day. He'd move out with Penny after they married and it would throw the balance out of Sheldon's life. The prospect of it horrified Sheldon. The late haircut would pale in comparison to the chaos in Sheldon's mind.

Then there was Science. It was failing him too.

She understood his feelings! She did. She could help him! Couldn't he see that? Didn't he know that she'd always be there for him? That even when nothing else made sense, when no one else was there, she would be.

Why wouldn't he listen to her? Why wouldn't he come to her?

The insecurity was driving her mad. He'd go to Penny for help. He'd let her sing him soft kitty when he was sick. He would always ask her for advice.

She wanted to be that for him. If he loved her then how come she wasn't that for him?

Leonard and Penny stood in Sheldon's doorway, watching as Carly cried herself to sleep on his bed, completely wretched with heartbreak.

Both of them had heard her crying uncontrollably and come worried, but they knew there was nothing left to say to make her feel better. Now that she was back, she was having to face Sheldon's absence just as they were - it hitting her worse.

They just hoped that Sheldon would find whatever he was looking for soon...

oO0Oo

Carly felt like she was living in a dream. A dream where she couldn't wake up from. She was in the same apartment, did her laundry in the same room, took the same sets of stairs, even sat in her spot in the middle of the couch in his apartment, but it wasn't the same.

Not even close.

She appreciated the fact that they all were still adhering to Sheldon's schedule for meals and activities. It made her realize just how much they also missed him, even if they didn't say it. If they did, it wasn't around her.

After she had woken up in Sheldon's bed the next morning, eyes puffy and feeling drained from crying so much, Leonard and Penny were careful with her. Like she was a delicate glass and they were afraid to break her.

She spent most of her time in her apartment if she wasn't working. She still had dinner with her friends when they got together but if they weren't, she rarely ate. She just curled up on her bed, holding the plushie he had given her at comic con, staring at the photo of them together in their Star Trek costumes, and wished beyond belief he'd come back.

Carly was at work when she got the call. She had been there for all of twenty minutes and was scanning in new books into the system, sorting them into their respective piles.

Glancing up at the fact that there wasn't anyone in the library yet, she picked up her phone and saw it was Penny. She found it odd because she was having her interview that morning and she should be heading that way by then.

"Hello?"

"Carly! Thank goodness you answered. You'll never believe this!" She sounded out of breath, more alive than she had been recent.

"What's wrong? Did you get the job?" She asked, growing excited about the idea. The new job would prove to Penny she amounted more than just waitressing.

"What? No, I'm on my way there now. Sheldon called."

Carly felt like time went still at his name. "What?" She whispered, not willing herself to get hopeful. No, she had to have misheard.

"Yeah, I know. He called Leonard this morning and said he's been robbed. His phone's gone and everything. Leonard's driving to an Arizona police station to pick him up."

He was in Arizona and was robbed?

"He's coming home?" She asked, barely able to believe it. Her legs swayed and she backed up till her knees hit the stool behind the counter, dropping down onto it so she wouldn't fall.

"Yes! He'll be there tonight, probably around dinner time." Penny sounded excited, delivering the news as if it would cheer Carly up.

But Carly just frowned, feeling overwhelmed. "You said he was robbed. Is he okay?"

Penny sighed. "Seems like he's rattled but yes he's fine. No injuries or anything. No pants either."

"Pants?" Carly echoed, mind spinning. Sheldon was coming back. Just like that?

Penny was silent for a moment, hearing Carly's tone. "Are you okay Carl's? I thought you'd be happy to hear this."

Carly didn't feel happy. She was relieved he was returning, that he was okay, but she didn't know how to face him. She was uncertain on what to expect. Would he even still want her?

"I don't know how to feel," she told Penny honestly. "He's been gone for forty-five days... what if he doesn't want me as his girlfriend anymore?"

"What do you mean Carly? Of course, he wants you." But even Penny's words wobbled.

Carly's eyes filled with tears and she willed them away. She had cried so much since he left. She didn't want to cry again. "I suppose we will see," she said and then saw someone walked into the library. "I gotta go, Penny. Good luck with your interview." She hung up before Penny could reply.

The rest of her workday she was out of sorts, a little jittery. She worked right through lunch, afraid to spend even a moment thinking about the fact that her boyfriend was returning.

But was he returning to her?

Carly was terrified to see him. She had built up the moment in her head. Thought about seeing him again constantly. Now that it was happening, she was afraid.

Afraid of what his reaction would be. Afraid of being rejected.

She had given Sheldon her heart. He had it with him and she couldn't get it back. There had been a deep hole in her soul without him there.

After work, Carly battled with herself. Did she dare go to 4A for dinner? Would he be sitting there, waiting for her? Would he hug her? Would he tell her he was sorry for leaving her?

Or would he be indifferent? Would he tell her that he'd had time to think over their relationship and decide that he was better off alone, to pursue science how he had meant to?

She had just been a distraction. An obstacle. She had been holding him back. She was nothing to the likes of him.

She was just a simple librarian. He had an IQ of 187 and two PhDs. There was absolutely no way he could continue to be with her.

It had been there from the beginning she realized. The insecurity. The inferior feeling around him. He needed someone smart. Someone to have educated conversations with. To understand what he was saying and banter. To be his equal.

Something she wasn't. What in the world had he even seen in her in the first place?

Sheldon had never been in love so maybe he didn't realize that what he felt for her wasn't what he thought.

Carly was crying as she got changed, pulling a soft pink cashmere sweater on over a red knee-length skirt. She slid her sneakers on and threw her hair up in a bun on the top of her head.

She needed to know what his answer was. She needed to know if there was any chance for them to still be together.

The only way to do that was for her to have dinner with everyone that night.

She wiped her face with a tissue and threw it away, along with her anxiety. She needed to be brave.

Taking a deep breath, she left her apartment.

When she got to 4A, she paused. Should she knock? She was never sure what the protocol was. She was expected to be there, she reminded herself, so she slowly opened the door, holding her breath.

Penny, Raj, Howard, and Bernadette were there around the coffee table. The food was laid out and waiting, they had been talking excitedly between each other before she walked in.

As she closed the door behind her, she noticed them staring. "Hi," she said quietly, unable to conjure up her normal cheerful self.

"Hey," Penny said, coming over to her. "Leonard said that they're almost here."

Carly's heart jumped at that and she nodded, turning away. She was having a hard time breathing. "Did you get the job?" She asked softly, trying to steady herself.

Penny gave her a small smile. "I did. I start Monday," she told her, to which Carly smiled, glad that her friend was moving on to better things. But the blond frowned, knowing she wasn't okay. "Carly? Are you that worried?"

Carly was silent for a couple of beats, her heart pounding like a countdown. He would be there any minute. "Why wouldn't I be? My boyfriend left me without a word for forty-five days. The last thing he did was yell at me. Now he's coming back... and- I, well." She stopped herself, feeling like she was going to cry again but she tried to hold it back.

Bernadette approached them and placed her hand on Carly's arm, glad they were finally talking about Sheldon with Carly. "It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be hurt. Sheldon needed time to get his head back on straight, we all know that and understand- but it hurt you. And that's okay."

Carly shook as Bernadette spoke. She was right. It did hurt. A whole damn lot. "I know," she whispered, looking down miserably at the floor. "I just need to know if he wants me still."

Penny pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly. "He'd be a fool to not want you," she told her in her ear, words emotional and almost sounding like she was crying.

Carly sniffed, trying so hard not to let herself breakdown. That was the last thing she needed when he walked through that door.

Penny released her and looked down at her with a sympathetic smile. "Everything's going to be okay, Carl's."

Carly hoped so. She pulled away. "I'm going to wash my hands," she murmured and walked past them all, heading to the bathroom and closing the door behind her.

She needed a minute. She sat down on the closed toilet, putting her hands on her face. Her stomach was in knots, her head was spinning. She felt absolutely wretched.

Perhaps she shouldn't have come. This was just making it harder on herself. Maybe she didn't need to know his answer. She had gone this whole time knowing he was gone, she would be okay eventually, right?

She vaguely heard a door close from within the apartment and then loud, muffled voices. She snapped her head up, heart jumping then racing wildly.

Oh god, was that him?

She sat frozen, unable to move to listen. To hear him. To wrap her head around him being back. There wasn't any way she could back out now.

She'd have to confront him, but she couldn't just go out and yell at him. Tell him everything she'd been feeling since he had left. Not in front of their friends. They were all so excited to have him back and to enjoy a meal as they usually did.

She couldn't ruin the night.

She stood up on shaky legs, the voices dying down. She walked over to the sink, putting some water on her face to calm herself. She needed to be ready. For anything.

She dried herself with a little hand towel, giving herself a mental pep talk. She could do this.

Knock, knock. Her heart stopped. "Carly? You all right in there?"

It was Leonard. Sheldon had to be there then. Feeling nauseous from the nerves she forced herself to walk over and pull open the door.

Leonard stood there, nervously eyeing her to make sure she was okay. "You're back," she said softly, swallowing deeply to keep the contents of her stomach at bay.

Leonard furrowed his thick eyebrows but gave her a small smile. "Yeah, I am. And so is..." he trailed off as he turned to look behind him and she followed the action with her eyes, looking up into the living room from the bathroom doorway. There he was.

He sat in his spot, exactly where he should have been this whole time. He gazed over at her with an unreadable expression on his face, taking her in.

She gulped.

Suddenly he stood, facing her. "Carly."

His voice. It stirred something inside of her. It was like seeing him for the first time all over again.

"S-Sheldon," she choked out, her voice sounding weird to her.

Leonard looked between them, unsure of how to proceed. It didn't look like either of them was going to move or say anything else. They stared at each other, their gazes saying everything that had been unspoken between them.

He cleared his throat, rubbing at the back of his head. "We should eat, the foods gonna get cold," he muttered and headed for the living room.

Carly tore her eyes from Sheldon to follow Leonard, her breath heavy. What was she supposed to say to him? He looked absolutely handsome as always and it made her heart melt, wishing she could just go and hug him. Forget about everything that had happened and go back to how things were- but two things stopped her.

One, did he even want it?

Two, she was beyond hurt.

She didn't dare look around the room at the others' eyes, knowing that they were all probably worried about the situation. The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Instead, she followed Leonard to the kitchenette and grabbed a stool as he and Penny brought the food over to the coffee table.

She slid the stool over and sat down, feeling his eyes on her, burning into her flesh.

Sure enough, he spoke, baffled by her actions. "Carly, what are you doing? Your spot is on the couch, next to me-" he broke off as she snapped her eyes up to meet his. He was still standing and she glanced down noticing how he was wearing strange grey sweatpants and sandals, with only one sock. They must have been loaned to him after his belongings had been taken.

Carly slid her eyes back upwards to his waiting, worried face and then turned away briskly. "I'm going to sit here tonight," she told him and the room got silent.

She didn't want to ruin the night, but she couldn't sit by him. Not yet.

"But why? You always sit next to me," he reminded her, sounding truly hurt that she wasn't budging. "Don't tell me you moved on to better sitting arrangements while I was gone."

He was referring to where she chose to sit but it was quite clear what he was implying. How he could even imagine her being with anyone else was beyond her.

Not hungry, she stood from the stool and slid back to the counter.

"Carly..." Penny began softly, but Carly shook her head.

"I can't do this. I'm sorry," she told her, truly apologizing to them all before she ran out to lock herself inside her apartment, leaving behind concerned and anxious friends and a stunned, and guilty boyfriend.