Chapter 17: Being Honest
"But maybe you could drop me at the bottom of the mountain. I want him to think I'm cool." - Sheldon
Sheldon stared at the closed door of his apartment after it had been slammed shut. His heart raced in his chest, his palms grew sweaty, and he felt an impending dread overcome him.
Seeing Carly after forty-five days without her had stolen his breath. By the end of his trip, he had been convincing himself she had been a figment of his imagination.
She couldn't have been real.
Yet, there she was. In all her glory. Wearing soft pink, dark brown tresses escaping the knot of her head and framing her pale, silky face. Even from a distance, he saw just how warm her eyes were. At first, she had looked surprised to see him. But then sadness swooped in and overtook her.
It had kicked him in the heart. He had done that. He knew it.
Sheldon hadn't been able to handle the stress of his life. Failing at string theory, the meaning of his universe had killed him inside. If string theory wasn't the center of his world, then what meaning would his life have? He had figured that working on dark matter would give him the inspiration he needed. There was progress in dark matter that string theory didn't possess. It made sense.
Even so, the University had declined his request. String theory was the reason they had hired him, the reason for the grants, everything- taking a jump off the cliff so to speak would pose a great risk to them.
He understood but he didn't like it.
Then there was Leonard. He had been living with him for ten years. He was his best friend, his biggest support, and everything to him. He had known, with how Penny had taken Leonard by storm that it would be a matter of time before they left him.
He just hadn't realized just how soon it would be. His roommate was his constant. Without him and string theory, what would become of him?
Leonard had reassured him, on the way back from Arizona, that it would take time before they moved out. That even when they did, they would take it very slowly. It made him feel better about that particular situation. He was thankful for Leonard who respected him enough as a friend to make it an easier transition.
However, the biggest conundrum was neither string theory nor Leonard. They were just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.
Carly.
She had turned his whole life upside down. He had spent his thirty years of existence becoming okay with the idea that he would be alone forever. He was different than others, smarter, and on a different wavelength. No one could ever match that or change his opinion on it.
Down the line, he had begun to feel the effect of the prospect of being alone. Penny had come along and Leonard had fallen at her feet. Howard had Bernadette. Even Raj, he knew would one day find someone.
He on the other hand would remain the same. Science was his mistress and always would be. Nothing could ever change that.
Until he met Carly. Her intoxicating smile, beautiful laugh, her entrancing eyes... but more than that she was smart in her own right. Knowledgeable. A library of sorts. She was kind, caring. She made anyone in her presence feel warm and nurtured. The pulls of feelings he had never imagined overwhelmed him. They were both enthralling and terrifying. He simultaneously wanted to pursue them and flee. She had been through so much in her life and yet was still just as kind to everyone. It brought forth a protective instinct within him to keep that light inside of her.
Not to mention the impending arousal she was able to invoke in him. Never in his life had he even thought of a woman in such a way, feeling as if he was too evolved for it. Everyone else around him felt the longing of another. Yet he never had. It had only been logical, based on the fact that he was above them all, that intimacy was also affected.
Until her. He had been drugged on her scent. On her touch. Her lips. Her body pressed against his. Good lord, she was a vixen in her own right. He was both afraid of it and also intrigued by it. He had meant every word when he had told her wanted to see where it could lead him because he needed it.
He needed to feel even the slightest bit normal. To feel that power of control over the fact this woman could make him feel so wanted, so loved, and so pleasurable.
He knew in every molecule in his body that she had been created solely for him. No one else deserved her.
Not even he deserved her.
And that was why he fled.
With the basis of his life failing him, what would he have to offer her? Schedules and routines? Take out food? Empty promises of getting physical because he was too scared to go through with it? Because he was inexperienced in it and didn't know what he was doing.
She deserved everything and he could offer her nothing. He couldn't even properly take her out on a date without ruining it. She would eventually tire of him, her ever seeming patience would thin, and he'd be left with nothing.
Complete and utter emptiness.
How would he survive? How would he go on?
Even now, he saw it on her face before she had left. She was far away from him now, so out of reach. He couldn't even bring himself to go to her. The guilt of taking that shine from her eyes ate at him, keeping him rooted to the spot wordlessly.
His friends stared at him, sending creeps up his spine and making him uncomfortable. They had to be aware that it was his doing that had caused the disturbance in Carly. They would blame him too.
Because he was too much of a coward.
"Sheldon, what was the meaning of that?" Leonard asked him, his tone wary and worried all at the same time. He approached his side and Sheldon swallowed thickly.
"What do you mean? She's the one who left-" he defended lamely, ashamed of himself, his hands trembling with the impending doom hovering above his head.
Penny threw a glare at him and he knew that she was about to round on him next, her Nebraskan anger getting the better of her. "Why do you think she left? You just implied she'd been sleeping around with people while you were away. Do you honestly think that little of her?"
Then Bernadette stood. "Do you even know what she's been through all this time? She almost lost the only family she has! And where were you? Off being a hobo on a train god knows where!"
Sheldon froze, eyes widening as he looked down at the very scary little woman in front of him. He then turned to Leonard hastily. "What happened to Carly's Mee-Maw?"
Leonard glanced away uneasily, making Sheldon fear for the worst. "She had a stroke, Sheldon, on the night you left. Carly had to rush to the hospital while we tried to get you to stay."
Sheldon gasped in fright. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Penny answered for him. "Because it wouldn't have made a difference, Sheldon. You were hell-bent on leaving."
Sheldon frowned deeply, feeling even worse by his decision to leave. Carly had almost lost both her grandmother and him all in one night and no one had been there to hug her. He hadn't been there. Suddenly feeling nauseated, he shakily sat back down on the couch, a hand going to his mouth. "Is her Mee-Maw okay?" He asked, a little over a whisper.
Leonard sighed and sat down in the armchair next to him, giving him a reassuring look. "Yes, she's all right. The stroke was mild. Carly stayed with her for a month to take care of her. She only just got back about a week and a half ago."
Sheldon nodded numbly, the guilt that had been eating at him before was nothing to what he felt at that moment. What must Carly think of him?
"Sheldon, sweetie," Penny coaxed, sitting on the arm of Leonard's chair and facing him. "Carly's been a wreck without you. We've all been worried about her."
Sheldon looked down at the pants that were not his, miserable to hear that. He had expected Carly to be okay without him. He had only burdened her, is what he had thought. "I didn't realize she would be this upset by me leaving."
Howard, who had been silent throughout the whole scene rolled his eyes at his friend. "Sheldon, she loves you. (Lord knows why.) Why in the hell would she not be upset?"
Sheldon glanced up at him guiltily. "I guess that I... I was only thinking about how I felt. I didn't think of how it would affect her."
Leonard sighed. "Buddy, listen. We all understand why you left. Even Carly knows why. She gets it. She just has been lost without you."
Penny nodded in agreement. "What she needs right now is her boyfriend. Tell her you love her. Hug her- do whatever you have to. She thinks you've changed your mind about her."
Sheldon's eyes shot to Pennys in alarm. "Why would she think that?"
"Oh I don't know, could it be that you left her without saying anything to her?" Bernadette retorted wryly.
Sheldon looked down. "I suppose you're right... I should go talk to her and make things right."
Leonard leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. "That's very mature of you, Sheldon. You need to tell her everything."
Sheldon snapped his eyes up to Leonard. "Everything? Leonard, how can I tell her everything?" He asked, appalled. He couldn't tell Carly everything. That he had been unable to function like a normal person. That he couldn't do things on his own. That he failed everything he set out to do, including their relationship.
"Sweetie, I know this is hard for you but you need to tell her. Carly deserves to know what you're feeling," Penny told him.
Sheldon knew she was right. It would be the most difficult thing he could do but if there was any shred of their relationship left, he wanted to claim it.
He sighed and stood, "You're right, Penny." He moved around their legs and headed for his bedroom.
"Where are you going?" Howard asked, confused by his direction.
Sheldon threw a glance over his shoulder at them. "To change out of these pants and sandals. I can't even take myself seriously wearing these."
As soon as Sheldon entered his bedroom, he noticed something was off. He frowned as he closed the door behind him. His eyes roamed over his belongings.
Everything looked like he had left it. Except for his bed. The blanket was a little wrinkled like someone had slept in it and had tried to make it back up.
No one was as anal about a smooth bedspread like he was. Had Leonard or Penny slept in there?
No...
He inhaled at a sudden scent as he moved around the bed, getting closer.
Strawberries? He didn't recognize the scent. Penny used green apple shampoo and he knew Leonard never smelled of strawberries.
He frowned. Bernadette maybe? He hadn't been close enough to her to know her scent of shampoo.
But why would she lay on his bed? No, that didn't make sense. But it couldn't have been Carly because she didn't smell like strawberries either.
She smelled like sugar cookies. The most intoxicating scent he'd had the pleasure of smelling.
Slightly perturbed, he got changed into a pair of familiar khaki pants and put his spare shoes on. It felt so good to be home. To be in his clothes, in his bedroom. His spot-
He collected himself. Carly. He needed to get to Carly. Suddenly as if his life depended on it, Sheldon left his bedroom and the apartment altogether, ignoring his friends eating with awkward glances.
He made it down to 2B before he even realized and then he stopped abruptly, staring at her door in trepidation. Would she be angry with him?
Would he be able to explain himself without upsetting her? Honestly, Sheldon hated vulnerability. He had decided when he was a child he would do what it took to not feel that way.
Although with that mindset, it had landed him in this predicament... Casting his anxiety aside, he grew determined. He knocked on her door and waited.
It took a while for her to answer and he almost wondered if she wasn't home but then it swung open. Her appearance caught him off guard.
Her hair was down around her shoulders, disheveled like she had been running her fingers through it repeatedly. She was no longer wearing the soft pink outfit and instead was in the pair of grey sweatpants she had worn that night at comic con. She wore a light purple tank top with an open pink plush robe. He immediately saw that she was once again not wearing a brassiere.
"Carly," he gasped, startled to find that he was momentarily unable to breathe.
Her eyes were red and puffy, she must have been crying before he came. "Sheldon," she whispered. "What are you doing here?"
Sheldon frowned at her trembling lips. "You're upset."
Carly just stared at him blankly before glancing away from him, taking his heart with her. "You're right. I am."
Sheldon gulped at her monotone response. This wasn't like Carly at all. "Do you want me to hug you?" It was the only thing he knew how to stop her from being upset.
Carly's eyes shot to his and he swore she looked angry all of a sudden. "Now you want to hug me? Where were you for the past month?"
Sheldon blinked, not realizing that she was speaking rhetorically. "I was on a train," he reminded her and she looked down again so he couldn't see her face. "Carly I had to go. You don't understand, I-"
Carly abruptly spun away from him and he had no choice but to follow her inside the apartment and closed the door behind him. That was when it hit him.
Strawberries.
"Something's wrong," he told her, alarmed and on edge, his eyes darting around the room for the source of the scent. "Very wrong."
Carly dropped to her couch and crossed her arms, looking up at him flatly. "With me? Of course, there's something wrong with me!"
Sheldon shook his head and then looked down at her in disbelief. "Did you change your shampoo?"
Carly was baffled by his question, her animosity faltering by her confusion. "My shampoo? How did you..."
Sheldon inhaled again and then wrinkled his nose. It wasn't that he didn't like the smell of strawberries, it was because it wasn't the right smell for her. "Were you in my bedroom?"
Carly's eyes widened and she sank into her couch as if she was trying to become one with it. She looked away from him again, staring at her round coffee table with interest. "Yes. Just once. When I came back from my grandmother's, I couldn't help myself. I missed you too much."
Sheldon gulped. "But why change it?" He asked, fearful for her answer. He didn't want to analyze why he was so disturbed by it.
Carly bit her lip before answering in a low voice. "I ran out of the vanilla shampoo awhile ago and I just grabbed a strawberry one at the drug store to tide me over till I buy it again." She paused and glanced up at him. "Why do you care so much?"
Sheldon was miffed. Why would he not care? That scent was hers. He associated it with her and every moment he'd shared with her. With it gone, it was as if none of it had happened.
"I care a great deal," he told her honestly but didn't elaborate on the shampoo subject. "Carly... I know you're angry with me but please hear me out."
Carly briefly shut her eyes and then looked over at him with steely eyes. "Okay," she whispered.
Sheldon walked over and sat down next to her on the couch, not noticing the way she tensed at the proximity. "Carly... I- how should I put this?" He struggled, his eyes darting around as he thought quickly.
His first instinct was to cover up how he felt, as he always did. Distractions always worked in his favor, but he knew he needed to be honest with her, just as Leonard and Penny had said. She deserved that much.
He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, and looked up at her from under his lashes, feeling the most uncomfortable he had ever been.
"Carly, for my whole life I thought I'd be alone. I was okay with that. I had science and the secrets of the universe to keep me company. From a young age, I knew that I was different. Smarter of course, but even more so in other ways. Such as romance and intimacy. I never understood it. I didn't feel it, or the need for it. My time was more valuable acquiring quantum gravity and all of its quirks.
However, I find even that is failing me now. All the years of work I have put into string theory and I have nothing to show for it. It feels as though I've wasted my life. I tried opening my mind open to another field but because of the reputation I have created for myself I am perpetually bound where I am."
He paused, his heart pounding hard In his chest with the confession. She looked back at him, mesmerized by what he was telling her and he couldn't tell what she was thinking.
He decided to keep going even though his voice shook. She needed to know everything. "When I met you, things shifted in my life. I didn't understand it at first, like why I thought about you all the time. Why I kept having dreams about you. Why I was so interested in everything about you. When we began dating I decided that I couldn't let anyone else, have you. I wanted you. You were the only person in this world that had ever stirred up this feeling inside of me and I have to admit it is addicting.
I now understand just what Leonard and the others have been telling me. Because that's what I feel for you." A sudden tear falling down Carly's cheek stopped him and he looked at her in horror. "Am I hurting you?!" He hadn't meant to.
She realized what he was referring to and hastily wiped at the tear and cleared her throat. "Of course not, Sheldon. Continue."
Sheldon swallowed thickly, not quite believing her but did as she asked. "Even though I feel all these things and am doing my best to welcome them, they're incredibly foreign to me. I'm inexperienced and that terrifies me. I have always excelled at everything I have put my mind to. I pride myself in knowing information the lesser man isn't privy to. Yet this isn't one of those things.
Carly, you have been with someone previously. I haven't. I've never felt this way before and I don't know what I'm doing half the time. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone who doesn't panic at the sight of ducks or get you kicked out of the aquarium. Someone who isn't a fraud. You deserve someone better than me and I-" he choked and a strangled sob left him, stunning him because he hadn't meant to get so emotional but as he let the honest feelings leave his mouth, everything he'd been feeling bubbled at the surface like an about to erupt volcano.
He tore his eyes away from her, terrified to let her see him like this but he couldn't stop it. Warm, fat tears left his eyes and slid down his cheeks. He shook and put his hands over his face, attempting to hide the breakdown but failing.
Then he felt it. Her touch. He hadn't felt it in forty-five days and the last time she had, he had insulted her out of cowardice. God, he was horrible. He didn't deserve her forgiveness or her kindness.
"Sheldon," she murmured his name, sounding sad and soft all at once. Her hand was on his trembling arm, the warmth seeping through both of the shirts he wore.
He couldn't bear to look at her, the sobs overtaking him.
"Sheldon," she tried again and he felt her move closer, and then her arms were around him, warm and tight.
It was almost like a boa constrictor was squeezing him but he let himself relax in it, welcoming the comfort because he needed it. He wanted it. More than anything.
He didn't want to be alone. It didn't matter if science failed him or Leonard left. All he wanted to know was he wouldn't be alone. That she would be there with him.
He uncovered his face and used his hands to hold her to him, not wanting her to ever let go. "Don't leave me," he cried pathetically into her arm. "I know I don't deserve you but please don't leave me!"
Carly responded by tightening her arms around him, pressing her cheek up against his shoulder. "You deserve the world, Sheldon. Don't look down on yourself," she told him with conviction, her voice pained.
Sheldon shook his head, unable to believe her. There was no way she would accept him this way. "But I'm supposed to be the smartest and best man in the world and I'm not. How can you still even think that about me after everything I told you?"
Carly released him slightly to lift her head, searching for his eyes. "Sheldon nothing you do will change how I feel about you. You could be a hobo for crying out loud and I'd still love you."
Sheldon didn't want her to think like that. He wanted to be the best for her. For her to think he was perfect even though he wasn't. "How could you?" He wailed despite himself and threw his face back into her arms.
She dropped her cheek back down to his shoulder and surprised him by pressing a soft kiss to his arm. "Because you're perfect to me. You're my dream man and always have been."
Sheldon shook in her arms, hearing what he wanted to hear from her but still so unsure to believe her. To let himself believe her.
She held him for a very long time, letting him cry himself hoarse. He hadn't realized how much he had been bottling up since he had left. It was draining but when he finally was able to breathe again and the tears slowed, he felt like a weight had been lifted from him.
Was this how she felt when she cried in his arms? He understood it now. They needed each other in the same ways. To heal. To love. To want. To need.
When she realized he was calming down, she slowly loosened her arms and let one slide down his back comfortingly. The other landed in her lap and she leaned forward to look him in the eyes. "Are you okay?" She whispered to him and he nodded weakly, beginning to feel embarrassed by his behavior.
He looked away from her and licked his lips, disgusted to taste snot. She seemed to notice because she released him to lean forward and grab a tissue box off of her coffee table. He took it gratefully and blew his nose, staring down at the offending object in disinterest.
"I'm sorry Carly," he told her, his voice raspy from crying.
"There's no need to be sorry Sheldon. I forgive you," she told him and offered him a tiny sad smile.
He didn't return it and instead sighed. "Leonard told me about your Mee-Maw. She's doing well?"
Carly took in a shaky breath, holding her hands in her lap. "Yes, she's fine. It was scary though... I don't know what I'll do if something happens to her."
Sheldon knitted his eyebrows, wishing he could do something. He looked over at her and thought about taking one of her hands but he was still holding a mucous-covered tissue. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
Carly wiped at her eyes suddenly and he realized quickly that she was trying hard not to cry. It hurt his heart. "It's okay, Sheldon. I understand."
She said it was okay but she still sounded hurt. He was unsure of how to process her words. "Are you sure?"
She looked over at him then, eyes glimmering in the light. Even whilst crying she was so very beautiful to him. "Positive. I'm just so relieved you're back," she breathed and he guiltily looked away. She rose a hand to his shoulder, touching him softly. "Please don't go away again. If something ever bothers you, come to me. We will figure something out."
Sheldon let out a breath he hadn't known he had been holding. It shook him, her words. He wasn't alone. He hadn't been, had he? He'd just been selfish and self-centered, only thinking about himself. This woman had bared her soul to him and had asked him to do the same.
Even if he didn't feel worthy, he wanted to be. He would do anything to be deserving of her unwavering love for him.
"Fear is the path to the dark side," he realized aloud and looked up into her confused, troubled eyes. She didn't recognize the Star Wars reference. He then elaborated. "I no longer want to live in fear, Carly. I want to follow the light side... with you."
Carly bit her lip and new tears fell from her cheeks, but this time she smiled and it reached her eyes. This time, he knew she was happy with what he said.
Before he knew it, she was embracing him again. He held the tissues away from her quickly but caught her with one of his arms, holding her by the waist as her nose pressed into his neck.
Her breath let out against his skin and he shuddered at the feeling of it, remembering all too well what kind of effect she had on him.
"That's all I've ever wanted Sheldon," she told him against his collarbone, her hands clutching to him with everything she had.
He knew that even though there'd be times where he did feel scared and want to run, he wouldn't have to go through those moments alone. Never again.
After several beats, Carly withdrew and looked at Sheldon shyly. There she was, he thought with glee.
He suddenly wanted to touch her, so he stood. "Pardon me," he muttered and went over to throw his tissue away before washing his hands in her kitchen sink.
When he returned to her, she looked up at him from her couch. Her twinkling brown eyes beheld him in such a way that left him breathless and mesmerized. She truly was magical in her own right.
He sat back down next to her and took her hand, wrapping it with both of his. She smiled at him which made his heart flutter. "I'm so glad that you're back," she told him softly. The admission made him even happier.
"It's made things clearer for me," he murmured, their eyes telling each other everything that they needed to know.
"What will you do then? If the University declined your proposal to change fields then does that mean you'll have to continue to work on string theory?"
Her question reminded him of his dilemma, it now at the forefront of his mind since he and Carly were settled. He looked down at their hands in thought. "I suppose so. That is to say, I still have a position there. I left without notice for a whole month, I'm sure there will be repercussions for my actions."
Carly frowned and gently laid her other hand over his. "I'm sure they'll let you keep your job. As you said before, they depend on what you bring to the University."
Sheldon nodded distractedly, thinking that he sure hoped she was right. He'd have to speak with them as soon as possible to ensure he still had a job.
Carly suddenly let out a yawn and he realized how late it was getting. She tried to conceal it from him by turning her head to her shoulder farthest away but he removed his hands. "You should get some sleep."
Carly gave him a troubled expression and he paused before getting to his feet. "Don't go just yet," she said, sounding like a plea.
It made his heart hurt. He didn't like the desperation. It reminded him of what he'd put her through while he was gone. He also didn't want to leave but he needed to. "I need an extraordinarily thorough shower and I've had a long day myself," he explained and then got to his feet. She followed him over to the door.
He turned to her then, taking in her beauty once more before he left. He'd never take her for granted ever again.
He knew it was out of character for him but he couldn't help it. He drew her to him and wrapped his arms around her in a proper embrace. She reciprocated and held him to her, her body's warmth seeping through his clothing and cloaking him with comfort only she could give.
"Sheldon?" She murmured against him and he made a noise in response, it vibrating deep in his chest against her ear. "I love you."
Sheldon's heart melted and he pulled her closer, a hand going to her hair to keep her close. "And I love you, Carly."
He savored the moment before reluctantly pulling himself away from her. He held her sad gaze and lifted a finger, sliding stray strands of hair from her face behind her ear. "Come see me tomorrow," he told her.
She smiled at him, making his heart skip a beat at the beauty of it.
"Always."
His lips curved upwards in response and their eyes held for a moment longer before he released her and turned to leave, throwing one last comment over his shoulder while opening the door. "Oh, and change your shampoo back. This strawberry nonsense is making it hard to concentrate."
Carly laughed lightly, sending a ring through him. He hadn't heard that outside of his dreams in so long.
"You got it," she promised before closing the door after him.
Thank you to everyone who has recently reviewed, favorited, or alerted! Or just read! It truly means a lot to me. This story is dear to my heart and I am so happy I can share that with you. Let me know what you think of Sheldon's thoughts! I hope I did him justice. They have a lot of emotional obstacles to get through. Hopefully they can do that together. :) after all- we still have a wedding to go to! See you next week!