Chapter 19: Distraction
"Sometimes your movements are so lifelike I forget you are not a real boy." - Leonard
When Sheldon walked out of his bedroom, mouth dry and tasting of something bitter, wearing no shirt and only pajama pants, he saw Leonard sitting on the couch watching tv aimlessly.
Sheldon swallowed, barely remembering the previous night's events but the smell of sugar cookies was all over him and his room upon waking- Carly had to have been here. His heart had traitorously wondered if she was still there in the apartment.
His steps on the landing caught his roommate's attention and Leonard gave Sheldon a once over. "Hey sleepyhead," he wisecracked. Sheldon didn't appreciate it.
"What time is it?" Sheldon rasped out, his tongue feeling like a hundred pounds. His stomach was queasy as well, making it difficult to stand up to his full potential.
"Quarter till noon."
Sheldon briefly closed his eyes. He'd slept half the day away. "Do- is Carly still here?" He asked unable to help himself as he looked around the apartment as if she was hiding somewhere.
Leonard frowned. "Uh, no. She left late last night I think. I heard the door close around midnight." A weird expression went over his face then with a thought but he didn't say anything.
Sheldon wondered if Leonard knew something he didn't. "Did... did I do something?"
Leonard quirked an eyebrow before it slowly dawned on him. "You mean to Carly?" He asked in amusement, a wry grin on his face. "She had to practically carry you up the stairs if that's what you mean..."
Sheldon crossed his arms over his chest and looked into middle distance, horrendously embarrassed. At the time, drinking the scotch had sounded like the right thing to do, it being a bachelor party and all but now... it was a regret.
"She was in your bedroom with you for a long time though. I do wonder what went on in there," he said, unable to help his snicker.
Sheldon froze. "My b-bedroom-" he looked down at his bare chest in alarm, beginning to panic. "Did we- did I..." he was unable to form a coherent sentence. He gulped. "Oh dear lord!" He turned then from Leonard and ran for the bathroom, intent on drowning himself in the shower.
It didn't work. He still felt mortified. He hadn't done anything to her, had he? He got himself dressed as quickly as possible, a pit in his stomach that had nothing to do with the effects of the scotch or the fact he hadn't eaten since the night previously.
He made a break for it, ignoring Leonard's call for him, and left the apartment. Upon reaching 2B, he hesitated, his hand up to knock. What if he had done something unforgivable and she didn't want to be with him anymore?
He had to make sure. He had to be certain.
Knock, knock, knock. "Carly."
Knock, knock, knock. "Carly."
Knock, knock, knock. "Carly."
Sheldon waited breathlessly, his heart pounding in his chest and his stomach spinning- both from nerves and the fact he had run down two flights of stairs.
When he didn't hear anything come from her apartment, he frowned and knocked again- his fears becoming worse. This time, only a couple of beats later, he heard footsteps and saw a shadow under the door, before the door swung open.
Only by a little though, just enough to see her face. Her hair looked wet and her eyes widened exponentially at the sight of him. Oh dear... he had done something.
"Sheldon! Wh-what brings you here?" She asked him, sounding extremely nervous. Her eyes darted around him, avoiding his gaze.
His tongue rolled up and all effort to get the information out of her left him, stark fear paralyzing him.
She frowned, growing apprehensive. "Sheldon? What's wrong?"
He shot his eyes to the ground. His mother was going to be so livid with him. Wanting to throw up, he tried to get himself composed enough to ask in the quietest of voices, "Did I sexually assault you last night?"
He heard her inhale of breath but he didn't dare look into her face that he assumed looked angry or hurt-
"What?! Ofcourse not," she told him, sounding baffled. "Sheldon, why do you think that? Everything we did last night was consensual-"
Sheldon shot his gaze up to her then. So they had done something sexual. He wished he remembered. "Consensual? What, what did we do?"
Carly blinked, seeming to realize his ignorance. "You don't remember?"
Sheldon glanced down, licking his cracked lips in shame. "I remember going to the party, Wil Wheaton was there, I drank scotch and... it all went fuzzy around the time Rajesh made a speech about Howard having coitus with an overweight sailor moon."
Carly shifted behind the door. "I- um, here give me a minute. Let me get some clothes on and I'll let you in and we can talk."
Sheldon's eyes got wide at her words and his heart flipped. "Get some clothes on? Are you... n-naked?"
Carly's cheek turned a strawberry pink and she darted her eyes away. "Um, sort of. I just got out of the shower and couldn't find my bathrobe. I have a towel on but... Um just give me a minute."
Sheldon gulped, his eyes going to the door where her wet, naked body was hiding behind. "Of c-course," he stammered as she nodded once and shut the door.
He didn't move a muscle, his mind trying to make sense of what could have transpired between them. What had they done? He didn't feel any different, just a little ill and confused. If they had done something out of his comfort zone, he was positive he'd know it subconsciously.
A couple of minutes later, Carly swung open the door and the strong scent of warm vanilla engulfed him. He realized he was leaning into it absently and blinked.
"Okay, come on in," she told him gently, her eyes still not quite meeting his and he nodded, walking inside the apartment and immediately going to his spot on her couch.
She closed the door and trailed behind him. "I am going to make coffee, would you like some tea or anything?"
Sheldon shook his head but looked over at her while she filled her coffee pot with water. "Do you have any cereal?"
She glanced upwards at her fridge. "I have Cheerios, is that okay?"
"Sounds lovely," he told her and watched her smile at him, before grabbing the box from her fridge and making him a bowl.
"You haven't eaten breakfast this morning?" She asked him while pouring the milk.
"I woke up late."
"Oh really? So did I," she told him thoughtfully and then walked over. She handed the bowl to him and he took it from her gratefully.
"Thank you," he mumbled and began eating as she walked back over to make her coffee.
"Of course," she told him warmly. She turned the pot on and turned to look at him, biting her lip anxiously. He looked down at it and blushed, looking away uneasily. When she did that his whole body came alive.
"Could you tell me what happened last night?" He asked her weakly. "It's driving me insane."
She looked to the side of her, avoiding his eyes. He frowned. Was it bad?
She cleared her throat. "We um... well after I got you up to your bedroom, I helped you get changed into your pajamas because you weren't steady on your feet. I was afraid you'd fall and hurt yourself but then... well, we..." she trailed off and left him in suspense for a moment.
He slowly dropped the spoon to the bowl, staring at her in horrified anticipation. He could barely stand it.
"... We kissed and then one thing led to another and we... well you, wanted to see me with my shirt off so I ... we yeah."
As if the window that had been closed and hiding that image from his mind, it opened suddenly and Sheldon saw it. She lay underneath him, her hair splayed out around her flushed face, her hands at her sides as his eyes took in her pale, bare breasts and down her milky stomach.
His heart lurched at the memory, almost wondering if it had been a dream or if it was was real. Had he really seen her like that?
"I guess your eidetic memory didn't help you this time," she laughed under her breath, seeming to recall something. "The scotch was just too powerful."
"No, I remember," he whispered to her and she shot her eyes back to him in awe.
"Y-You do?" She stammered. "I thought you didn't remember anything."
"I just remembered. I don't remember everything but I do remember that" he explained thickly and then saw a flash of his mouth, taking her hardened nipple into his mouth. Hot, sharp desire ran through him, all the way down his body. He shifted on her couch. "And I remember other things..."
Carly blushed darkly under his eyes, as if knowing what he was referring to, and turned from him then to make her mug of coffee. Sheldon's heart raced in his chest, remembering the way she had tasted, her sounds, how soft she was... it was too much.
He practically groaned as he tried to stop himself from reliving the moment, his briefs beginning to feel uncomfortable with the thought.
The cereal was starting to get soggy in the bowl, so he tried to finish it the best he could to distract himself.
As he was finishing, she approached him and sat down next to him on the couch. A whole other wave of vanilla hit his nostrils as her movements stirred the air, sending him back into a tense fit of stifled arousal.
This was getting ridiculous.
"I knew you were drunk Sheldon, I hope you aren't mad at me for allowing things to happen between us," she spoke uncertainly.
He glanced over at her as he sat down the bowl on her coffee table and cleared his throat awkwardly.
"I'm not mad at you. It was consensual, as you said. Albeit a bit surprising on my part. I normally can hold myself appropriately accountable," he explained. He was slightly disturbed by his actions while intoxicated, but thankful he hadn't done anything too drastic.
She sipped at her coffee and then looked down at it. "Good... I'm, um, glad you're not mad. I uh, hope you know I enjoyed it."
Sheldon almost wished they could stop talking about it but he had been the one to bring it up in the first place. "Good," he said with a small nod, looking down at the literature book next to his empty bowl in idle interest.
After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Carly finally broke it by wondering aloud. "Is Leonard okay? He drank quite a bit too, right?"
Sheldon frowned, not approving of the way she worried about his roommate. Not even considering that he was jealous, he looked at her, bewildered by her question. "That's a bit inappropriate isn't it?"
Carly blinked owlishly at him, seeming confused. "What? Asking about Leonard? What do you mean?"
Sheldon looked away and narrowed his eyes. He was being absurd. "Never mind. He's fine."
Carly shifted by his side and he inhaled once, turning his face away from her. What was wrong with him? Now he all of a sudden thought she had an interest in Leonard? She was just being nice like she always was, wasn't she?
"Are you all right, Sheldon?" She asked him in her sweet, kind voice that broke his walls down as usual.
"Yes of course. Thank you for the cereal. My stomach feels a lot better now that I have put substance in it," he told her gratefully, looking back up to catch her eyes worrying over him.
"No worries," she said with a smile, making her brown eyes light up. The sight of it made his insides tingle. He loved her smile. He cleared his throat.
"I should get going... leave you to your day," he said tightly. "I've burdened you quite enough."
He went to stand, but she grabbed his arm to stop him, sending a jolt through him. "Wait, you're not burdening me. I'm glad you came," she told him as he looked down into her warm eyes.
He couldn't help but glance down at her smiling lips, beckoning him forward to capture them with his own. He shook out of her grasp and stood to his full height. "I- um, I have work to do so I should go," he lied, feeling bad about it but needing to get out of her apartment lest he did something he regretted.
She was quick to follow him to the door after sitting her mug down. "Oh, I didn't realize," she said softly, catching the door as he swung it open.
He turned to look at her. "I'll see you."
Carly, still shocked by his sudden departure, tried to smile at him but it didn't reach her eyes. "You too."
He nodded once before heading off to the stairs. He had barely made it past the first flight of stairs before he was grabbed by a hand and tugged to a stop.
"Wha-" he broke off when he was suddenly swung around, leaning down to get balance, and was kissed warmly and quick by Carly.
Startled, he froze under her mouth and she pulled away with a little smile on her face. His heart raced in his chest horrendously fast.
"Goodbye Sheldon," she said coyly, before releasing him and turning to walk back down the stairs away from him.
Without thinking any further, his mind caught up to his body and he snatched her back up the stairs, then grabbed her by the cheeks to capture her mouth with his in a heated kiss.
She had yelped when he grabbed her but quickly had recovered as she clutched onto his forearms, kissing him back with just as much enthusiasm.
It had been far too long, he thought. He barely remembered the kisses they'd shared the night before and now it was like he was being burned alive in the most delicious way.
His fingers tangled in her hair, never intending to let her go, as he let instinct take over and smash their noses together while pulling her bottom lip that she bit on the regular into his mouth. She whimpered into it, sending a jolt down south. It was enough for him to release one of his hands to her waist, running it along her body hotly. He remembered everything about how that body had looked, tasted, felt.
It drove him nuts. He needed it again.
Forgetting that they were on the stairs where anyone could see them, he dropped a hand to her waist and slid the fabric of her sweater upwards as his hand found her soft skin. It was even softer than he remembered, more than likely the result of her shower. He skirted his fingers up, up until he found her plump little breast, covering it with his hand and squeezing it. It elicited a moan from her, making him groan and kiss her even deeper.
He pushed her against the brick wall, pinning her there as he assaulted both her mouth and her breast, fingering the nipple and making her writhe and whimper against him.
God, it was so immensely liberating, this feeling. To have control but lose control at the same time. He needed more but he didn't know what else. What else would help saturate this hot need for her?
He dropped his hands and grabbed her by the derrière, picking her up and pinning her breathlessly against the wall. His hardening erection pivoted to her center eagerly, the white floral skirt she wore lifting to her waist from the action.
She gasped, her arms winding themselves around his neck to hold on, while her legs did the same to his middle. He found her breast again with one hand, while the other supported her as he kissed down her jaw, to her neck, hearing her loud sigh leave her and warm his ear, sending jolts of pleasure through him- leaving him addicted and wanting.
He pressed into her, rocking his hips gently and going by human instinct alone, completely losing his mind and everything that held him together. This wasn't him, he rationed. This was the crazy, animalistic beast that had been awakened by this small librarian that he had never even known was in him.
How was he supposed to reel it back in? Tame it? Keep it caged?
He didn't think it was possible.
Grinding into her again, needing to feel that pressure where he wanted it most, he growled under his breath, his teeth latching onto her neck and making her suck in a breath.
His fingers rolled over her nipple, doing what he wanted his tongue to do but was too busy sucking and biting at her neck and collarbone to do so.
He was focusing so hard on what he was doing that he hadn't realized one of her hands had slipped between them until it had run delicately over the bulge in his pants experimentally.
He stilled, his eyes flying open in shock. He didn't know whether to stop her or let her keep going. The feel of her warm hand on the most sensitive part of his body sent spasms of pleasure he'd never known through him, leaving him breathless and antsy. He was conflicted, unsure of what to do next when she pressed her palm and ran her hand over it again.
"Oh god," he muttered darkly, his face pressing into her neck and hair, breathing heavily. This was insane.
She pressed her cheek against the side of his head and rubbed him, becoming more deliberate as his hips rocked forwards, needing more of her touch. What was happening to him? How had they come to this-
But god he didn't want her to stop. No one had ever touched him like this, no one except for himself. Good lord it felt amazing.
"Does this feel good?" She murmured to him, sounding a little unsure as her hand rubbed and rubbed, sending him further and further into madness.
Good? God yes.
All he could do was nod against her, rocking his hips into her hand as best as he could, needing more. He couldn't handle it if she stopped. He moaned lowly in his throat, a small whimper leaving his lips and leaving him a panting mess.
"Here I-" She broke off and removed her hand, much to his strangled dismay, but continues to amaze him by unzipping his khakis and then sliding a delicate hand down them and his briefs, leveling it over his manhood with a warm soft hand for the first time.
A guttural groan left him then, his hands on her tightening, probably painfully. Her hand wrapped around him before giving it a long, even stroke and then slid a finger over the head, feeling every inch of him.
He choked, a pathetic whimper escaping him, feeling like he may cry with how pleasurable it felt to have her touch him. She slid it back down, then back up-down and up... and that was all it took for him to come apart in her arms.
"Oh, ah...!" he cried out into her hair, his body arching over her as he unexpectedly came into her hand and his briefs, his hands shakily holding her to him, his eyes shutting tight in abandon.
She gasped in surprise, her hand sliding over him again and again as he rode out his sudden orgasm. He shook violently against her, his hips slowly rocking into her hand as he came down from the exponential high he'd been on.
Spent, he took a large gulp of air and leaned on her, unable to pull away or do anything else at that moment. His mind was spinning, his heart rate at its max.
Carefully, she slid her hand out of his pants and put her other on his back, holding him to her as she pressed a long kiss to the side of his head.
When he still didn't move, she pressed her lips again to his hair. "Sheldon? Are you... okay?" It was a sweet and loving gesture.
Swallowing thickly, he reluctantly pulled away from her and found her worried eyes that were bright and sparkly. He was left speechless.
It was then that he realized what had happened. And where they were.
"Oh dear lord," he muttered, strangled in horror and carefully put her back down on her feet. He turned away from her then and zipped his pants back up.
"Sheldon, what's wrong?" She asked him, her voice shaking and he glanced over at her, panicking.
"I ... we shouldn't have. I don't -" he stammered and then grabbed at his head. He felt the sticky, wetness in his briefs and it disgusted him- because of the actual feeling and the fact that he had allowed himself to do such a thing. He glanced up and around, seeing the stairs and the closed door of 3A. "Oh my god, what if someone had seen?" He gritted out, his breath picking up as he began to sweat from stress.
"Sheldon," her voice sounded far, far away. "No one saw, it's okay- just calm down, breathe. It's okay."
Then her hand was on him and he flinched, unable to handle her touching him. He jumped backward, almost falling on his posterior as he tried to get away from her. "Don't touch me- don't," he stammered, putting a hand out to keep her away.
She looked horrendously worried, her eyebrows furrowed together furiously over her eyes. "Sheldon, I won't touch you. I promise. Just... please, take a deep breath. You're not breathing."
"Of course I'm not breathing! I'm having a panic attack!" He snapped crazily, beginning to feel angry because of just what the heck was happening with him.
She winced at his loud voice and he darted his eyes away. "I need to go."
"No, wait! Sheldon, please- please don't leave me I-"
But he couldn't hear her anymore, he had to go. His chest constricted and he felt like tears would fall from his eyes because he didn't understand. He didn't understand. "I'm sorry," he told her thickly and ran up the stairs to his apartment.
She ran after him, he knew because he heard her footsteps and so he quickened his feet, trying not to scramble up the stairs in his haste.
"Sheldon stop!" She cried out for him, pain-stricken and he ignored her pleas and grabbed for his doorknob as soon as he got to 4A, pulling the door open and shutting it in her face, locking it without hesitation.
She pounded on the door, calling his name through panicked sobs and he couldn't bear it. He clenched his jaw and spun around to go to his bedroom, but Leonard was standing there- alarm on his face.
"Sheldon... what's going on?" He asked him, looking at the door nervously. "What did you do?"
Sheldon jumped. "I didn't do anything!"
"Sheldon, let the poor girl in. She is worried about you," he told his friend, not understanding the situation but figuring it had to be a misunderstanding. "After everything you put her through, you're going to shut her out again?"
"After everything, I put her through?!" He bellowed, feeling manic at this point. "What about what she's put me through? Ever since she came into my life, she's been nothing but a distraction! She has ruined everything! My whole life has been dedicated to science, Leonard. To unraveling the inner workings of the universe, and instead, I've been put under her spell and sent into madness! To destroy everything I've worked my whole life for."
Leonard stood speechless at his roommate, idly hearing the knocks on the door coming to a halt at his words.
But Sheldon wasn't done. He was pacing, grabbing at his head like a mad man. "I've been a complete and utter fool. I've become one of those hippy, dippy fools that I have always hated!"
Leonard frowned. "Sheldon, you love Carly. Why are you freaking out about being happy for once? You should be elated you found someone in this world that loves you so much."
Sheldon shook his head, feeling more out of control of his life than he ever had. "I'll lose everything, Leonard. I've already lost string theory. If I continue down this road, I'll end up being some slum joe at the Cheesecake Factory!"
Leonard huffed, wishing he could get it through his roommate's head that it was okay to love someone and that by fighting it, it was just causing him to become a mess.
"Sheldon, it's alright to be scared. Do you honestly think you're the only one who is afraid of letting go and falling in love? Everyone gets scared. Why do you think it took so long for Penny and I to get over our differences? Or even Bernadette and Howard? To love someone is to let yourself take a chance. To face the unknown-"
"Oh great so now not only am I a fool, but I'm no greater than everyone else!" Sheldon complained and Leonard realized there was no talking to him.
This time when Sheldon left for his bedroom, Leonard let him. The door slammed behind him and he sighed.
With Sheldon cooling off, he'd need to get himself together to do damage control. Huffing to himself, he turned and unlocked the door, to open it.
Carly sat on the ground, looking lost with tear stains down her cheeks. His heart broke for her. She looked even worse than she had when Sheldon had left. Had she heard what Sheldon had said?
He knelt to her, taking her shoulder. "Hey," he said gently. "Are you okay?"
She shook her head and wiped at her wet nose. "No, I'm not. Does he honestly think so little of me? Just because of how we feel? Why can't he just calm down enough to be happy with me?"
She sounded broken and he knitted his eyebrows together. "Carly, Sheldon has never even once thought someone like you would exist. This is a lot for him to come to terms with. I promise he will though, okay?"
She just looked down and he didn't think she believed him. He sighed. "I know what it looks like but Sheldon does love you. Everyone with eyes knows that."
She finally looked up at him with watery brown eyes. "It's not enough though, Leonard. It'll never be enough. I think I'm going to have to come to terms with that."
Leonard didn't know what to say to that because he wanted to reassure her that Sheldon would realize his issues and deal with them, but he'd been with Sheldon for years now and there was never was a time that he just willingly allowed change.
Penny suddenly opened her door, looking dressed up for the day, and Leonard looked up to see her taking in the scene in alarm.
"What's going on?"
Leonard stood, his fingers fumbling together nervously. "Sheldon."
Penny frowned and ran over to her friend, grabbing Carly by the shoulders and helping her up. "Carly, what happened?"
She just shook her head, a sob wracking through her. "I think I ruined everything..."
Penny glanced up at Leonard and he frowned deeper. "I think she needs you."
Penny nodded and steered Carly into her apartment. Leonard watched the door close and then took a deep breath. Penny would take good care of her. Now he just needed to deal with Sheldon.
He groaned as he closed the door. "Dealing with Sheldon. Story of my life."
oO0Oo
"So you're telling me that you gave Sheldon Cooper a hand-job and he had a panic attack," Penny repeated after Carly explained everything that had happened, finally able to stop crying long enough to do so.
The way Penny said it though made it sound ridiculous. Maybe it was... but Sheldon was clearly in no state to ration with and he was too afraid to deal with his emotion or his libido.
"Yeah..." she nodded miserably. They were both sitting on Penny's couch, a glass of wine in their hands. Penny had told her it would help. "I honestly feel like I should just give up, Penny. I mean he left on a train because of me and now this- I mean, what can I do to make him feel better about our relationship?"
Penny frowned, pressing her lips together. "It just comes down to the fact that Sheldon is a inexperienced. He's too afraid of admitting to himself that he wants to get physical with you."
"But he did," Carly told her with a shake of her head. "Before he left he told me that he wanted to have coitus with me. So I don't understand why he's freaking out all of a sudden about it. It was his idea in the first place. I was fine taking things slow."
Penny thought for a moment. "Could it be that the idea of it sounded better to him than actually going through with it? Sounds like a typical man to me."
Carly looked down at the glass in her hand. She had barely taken a sip of it. "I suppose. Probably mixed with the fact that he's struggling with his career."
Penny took a swig from her glass. "I'm sorry Carl's. Sheldon's really smart but he can be so dumb."
Carly wanted to defend him but at the current moment, all she could do was sit there and think back on what she could have done differently to avoid the situation she was in. "I should have just let him go. If I hadn't gone after him to kiss him on a whim, none of this would have happened."
"Carly, you can't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong," she told her. "Besides, he's the one that grabbed you remember?"
Carly nodded. "Yeah you're right but I shouldn't have touched him. He didn't say it was okay. I just could feel it and I was dying to know what it was like and-" she broke off, embarrassed with herself.
Penny gave her a sympathetic smile. "Carly, it's fine to want to give your boyfriend a handjob when you're making out like that. I mean he had his hand up your shirt for crying out loud."
That was true, Carly thought. She sighed heavily, feeling emotionally drained. "What am I supposed to do now ?"
"Well, I can tell you what I would do. I'd march over there and give him the what for. You don't deserve those words he spewed at Leonard out of anger. He's just a scared little boy that can't handle his emotions," Penny told her, getting heated just thinking about it.
Carly looked towards Penny's closed apartment door as if Sheldon was there. "If I did... what do I do if he turns me away?" She asked, considering it. She was pretty angry with him, if not hurt. She could possibly tell him off if given the chance.
She just didn't know what good it would do. He probably would retreat more into himself.
"If he rejects you, then you've at least had your say. There's nothing more you can do. But Carly," she said, taking her hand gently and giving her a meaningful look. "You two love each other. You love him. Fight for him. He needs that. Right now, he feels like his life is out of control, and yeah, maybe you're the reason but you're also the reason for his happiness. You're the reason he doesn't have a stick quite far up his ass like he usually does."
Carly swallowed thickly, her mind all over the place. Fight for him.
Fight for him.
"You're right. I should.. He loves me," she said, suddenly getting to her feet with renewed purpose.
Penny raised her eyebrows in surprise and then gave her a grin. "Go get your man, girl- and if he makes you cry again, he'll have me to deal with," she threatened with mirth and Carly smiled at her gratefully before placing her glass of wine down.
She took a deep breath and walked back over to 4A.
She didn't knock and was slightly surprised to see Leonard with his head in his hands, looking worse for wear. When the door opened, he looked up at her and got to his feet immediately.
"Carly! I'm glad you're looking better," he said in the appraisal, a tiny smile on his face but not quite reaching his eyes.
"I am, thank you," she told him gratefully. "Sheldon?"
Leonard shook his head regretfully. "I've tried talking to him but he keeps drowning me out with loud ominous music."
Carly frowned and looked in the direction of her boyfriend's bedroom. "Wish me luck," she muttered and went for it.
"Oh you're just gonna, o-okay," Leonard stammered in amazement and watched her disappear in the back of the apartment.
Carly didn't knock, not thinking he'd let her in anyway and was mildly surprised to find that the door was unlocked. Heart jumping to her throat, she slid open the door and immediately saw Sheldon laying on his side on the bed, a pillow over his head.
The lights were off and there were strands of sunlight beaming through the cracks of his blinds.
"Go away Leonard, how many times do I have to tell you-" He groaned in exasperation, throwing the pillow off of his face and sitting up. He stopped when he saw who it was.
Carly took in his stunned expression and silently closed the door behind her, before crossing her arms over her chest. She was nervous, but she was so hurt by his words. So angry with him for once again running away from her when he had told her that he wouldn't.
"All right Sheldon, listen to me," she began, watching his eyes widen a fraction at her bossy tone. "You promised me that you wouldn't hurt me. You told me just the other day that you wouldn't run anymore. That we were in this together. Right now, I don't feel like you meant it. What is going on with you? I understand you're scared. I'm scared! I've never felt this way before either but you and I told each other we'd learn it together. So why are you running again?"
Sheldon's mouth went slack and it took him a minute to snap it shut. He darted his eyes away from her, shifting on the bed uneasily. "Carly, you don't understand how hard this is for me-"
"How do I not Sheldon? Look, if you didn't want me to touch you then you should have stopped me! You didn't, so I know you liked it. You even told me you liked it. So what is the issue?"
"The issue is that this is all too much!" He shouted helplessly.
Carly heard the break in his voice and her anger with him faltered. He was struggling. He was overwhelmed again and she could see him running away. Terrified that he would leave as everyone in her life had, she sighed and sat down on the chair by his door.
"I know," she said, her voice going soft. "But you promised. You said we'd do it together and you're not. You're trying to deal with it all on your own again."
Sheldon looked down at his hands guiltily. "It's the only way I know how."
Carly bit her lip in thought. "I know," she repeated. And she did. Sheldon had been very alone in his life. Feeling like he was a whole other species. He had family and friends, but it wasn't enough. He didn't have an equal.
She wished she could be but she was beginning to wonder if this was all for naught.
"... Do you love me?" She whispered into the silent bedroom, unable to look up at him as she asked.
After a second, his reply came. "Of course I do. I've never felt this way before but I know that I love you."
Carly swallowed thickly. His response was what she wanted to hear so there was still hope wasn't there? "Then why keep pushing me away? Don't you want me?"
Sheldon went silent for a long time and she felt hot tears spring to her eyes at his lack of response. He didn't want her anymore, did he? Being in a relationship was too much for him. He'd had enough.
"That's the problem," he finally said and she looked up at him, confused. "I do want you. I want you so bad it hurts sometimes but don't you see? It's me that is the problem. I can't give you what you want."
Carly's brows knitted together, unsure of what he was getting at. "And what is it that you think I want that you can't give me?"
Sheldon licked his lips, his eyes glancing down uncomfortably. He looked so vulnerable to her there. "Everything. You deserve everything and I can't give it to you. It's not just being intimate that scares me. I've always held up a facade of sorts, protecting myself from emotional entanglement but I'm scared. I'm always scared. Scared of birds, bullies, finding someone who's more intelligent than I am. Scared I'll never win the Nobel Prize. Scared that I'll lose myself completely and inevitably, my love for science. I'm scared that I'll end up alone because I'm too difficult to live with. Or my mee-maw leaving as pop-pop did. Or my mother like my father. Or that..." he stopped rambling, steeling himself and leveling her with a meaningful gaze. "I'll lose you one day when you can't deal with me anymore."
Carly's heart broke. He had so much torment. A tear slid down her cheek, unable to stop it as she stared back at him, mystified by his confession to her. It was probably one of the most honest things he'd said.
"Oh Sheldon..." she whispered tearfully. "You're not going to lose me."
Sheldon looked away from her, not convinced. "I don't know that. I mean, after what I've done to you- leaving on the train when you needed me most and now today... how could you even want to stay?"
Carly swallowed down her emotions and took in his tense face. "You didn't know that I needed you, and besides you needed time away to get your mind in a better place. We got through all of that, remember?" At his terse silence, she continued. "And today... well, perhaps we let things get carried away and I understand being frightened by how fast it went. We can slow things down again if you want... that is if you still want me."
Sheldon withered at her words. "Why would I not want you?"
Carly mirrored his frown. "Because of what you told Leonard. How I'm a distraction and ruining everything."
Sheldon colored and ran a hand over his face. "I was panicking. I didn't mean those things. Not really."
"But I do distract you, don't I? Am I the reason you're having trouble with string theory?" She wondered, the fear deep down finally bursting forth in a wave of uncertainty and guilt.
"Lord, no! String theory is a dead field right now. There hasn't been a remarkable lead in it for years. It has nothing to do with you," he told her quickly and that made her feel a little relieved. However, she was still perturbed.
"But I distract you from your work. Sheldon, I don't want to keep you from working. More than anybody in this world, I want you to succeed. I want you to get that Nobel Prize one day. If that means I have to stop seeing you, I'll do it. It'll hurt me, but I'll do it if it means you'll be happy," she told him, her words blurring together as she began to hopelessly cry.
Sheldon gulped with a grimace, processing her words and she dropped her head, letting the tears fall. Her heartfelt like it was breaking.
"Carly."
He softly called to her but she shook her head, not able to continue any longer. She wiped at her eyes pathetically, sobs overcoming her body.
She didn't hear him stand and approach her until he was pulling her to her feet by the arms and then embracing her tightly. She was immediately engulfed in his warm, scent and she cried into his shirt, unable to stop herself.
It was just like that first time he held her. Except for this time, it would probably be the last.
One hand was on her back and the other holding her head. "Please don't cry," he whispered, sounding pained and she just clutched onto him with tight fingers, never wanting him to let her go.
She cried for a long time until she couldn't any longer and she just held onto him, her sobs slowing and her breathing going back to normal. A wet patch was now on his shirt and she felt embarrassed by her behavior. She hadn't meant for it to come to this.
Slowly, he released her but held onto her shoulders so she couldn't escape him. He looked down into her eyes and she trembled. His beautiful blue eyes regarded her so carefully. Scientists eyes.
"Carly, it's true you distract me but I don't want to terminate our relationship because of it. I know how I made it sound, but I'm being honest with you, I only spoke out of misguided anger. I'm not angry with you, Carly. I'm angry with myself."
Carly blinked wet eyes and pulled her bottom lip in between her teeth. "Why are you mad at yourself?"
Sheldon looked down at the floor, contemplating his deep thoughts before sighing and standing up straight. He didn't remove his hands. "Because I'm not the man I want to be. Because I want to give you what you deserve and I don't feel like I'm worthy enough to be your boyfriend or anything else for that matter."
Carly frowned. "But that makes no sense, Sheldon. You're more than worthy for me. It's me that doesn't deserve you. You're extremely smart. You're funny. You're thoughtful in your way. You're inventive. You have a huge heart, whether you like it or not. You're everything."
Sheldon stared at her, awed by her words. "B-But Carly, don't you see? That's exactly why I'm unworthy of your love and admiration. You're too caring, kind. You're warm and sweet, so very beautiful. You're pure in this world and I can't even begin to tarnish that with my issues. And I have issues, Carly. OCD, horrible paranoia, PTSD. You'll get tired of dealing with me. Everyone always does."
Carly lifted a hand to his chest, right over his heart and he dropped his gaze to look down at it while she spoke. "Everyone has issues, Sheldon. That's what makes us human. I've been traumatized myself, don't you remember? Everyone besides my Grandmother has left or betrayed me. Every day I worry that you and Penny and every one of our friends will do the same. I'm terrified. I'm scared that my grandmother will die all alone because I'm out here in Pasadena living my best life. I hate it. But at the same time, I love it. I love being with you. I love our friends. I love my job. I love Pasadena."
Sheldon shuddered against her hand and he took a deep breath. "I honestly hate being compared to everyone else because I'm not like everyone else but... I suppose you're right. I am human, like it or not."
Carly smiled softly then and he watched as her eyes warmed. It sent tingles down his spine. "I wouldn't have it any other way. All of those things make you who you are. And who you are is who I love. More than anything."
Sheldon's heart swelled with her words. She was accepting him for him. Just as she always had but he'd been too blind by his fears to see it.
"Carly, it may take me a long time to open up to you fully... but I hope you'll be patient enough with me to help me through it," he told her warily, hoping beyond hope that she'd take the time on him despite having so many flaws. "I need you to help me through it. Be by my side. Don't ever give up on me."
She reached up and took his cheek, his eyes closing briefly at the contact. "I'd love nothing more. You're worth the wait."
Sheldon shook and looked down into her earnest brown eyes in wonder. How on earth had he found someone so perfect? He didn't understand it and for once in his life, he didn't want to. He just wanted to accept it. Carly was his. And he was hers.
That's all that mattered.
He slid a hand over hers on his cheek, his heart fluttering at the sight of her smile. "Carly, I love you," he murmured, his voice betraying him with deep emotion embedded in it and she caressed his cheek with her thumb.
"I know," she whispered, using his own words against him.
Sheldon smiled then, lost in the merriment in her eyes. Unable to help himself, he leaned down and kissed her gently. She melted into it, their hands sliding from his cheek down between them and entangling their fingers together.
When he pulled back he watched her eyes flutter back open. "I'm sorry for behaving the way I did," he told her with regret.
She shook her head. "You're forgiven, and don't worry. We will go slow from now on to keep you from panicking again."
Sheldon licked his lips, not liking the idea of going too slow. Despite his reaction to it, he'd gotten a taste of what bliss was like and he would be damned if he didn't want to do it again.
"Well," he said suddenly getting an idea and he pressed a kiss to her cheek, then another to her jaw. "Maybe not too slow." He continued to pepper kisses down to her neck, making her gasp when he opened his mouth on her skin above her collarbone. It sent a spark through him. Goodness, she was so delicious.
"S-Sheldon, are you sure?" She stammered against him, clutching his shoulders to keep herself upright. He ran his hands down her sides to land on her hips, then pulled her flush up against him.
She sighed against him and tilted her head to give him better access.
"Positive," he muttered, remembering exactly what it felt like with her hand on him. But now wasn't the time. He was drained and he didn't think he'd be able to continue anything else. He gave her one last nip to her neck and then pulled himself away.
She looked up at him through dazed and confused eyes. He smiled at his handy work. "Have dinner with me."
Carly bit her lip, lowering her gaze to his mouth distractedly before smiling. "I'd love to."
All would be well.
See? Nothing too horrible. Sheldon is trying. Good thing he has Carly there to be understanding. Next up: a wedding!