"Snas, lookit!"
"watcha got there baby bro? playing with snails?"
"Yep! I find-ed them near da' river. They're mine now," said the baby, poking one with his finger.
Sans looked at his brother doubtfully. "yours huh? you sure you didn't steal these like you stole asgore's shoelace?"
Not that he'd miss a few snails anyway. He had like, fifty of those gross things in that glass terrarium of his or whatever the hell it's called.
"Did I say 'stole' Snas, or 'find?' I's pretty sure baby said the latter."
"you don't need to be a smart-"
"I FIND-ED them near da' river, big Buther. This one's name is Charlie."
"i thought your codfish was charlie?" The comedian shuddered internally, remembering the rotting fish his brother used to keep in his old crib. It had been a gift from Undyne…probably a live one, but Papyrus didn't seem to understand that not all aquatic creatures could live without water for long periods of time like her. Luckily, the gross corpse had been hidden under his old crib mattress and was accidentally (and gratefully) thrown out with it.
"Dat was Charlie da' codfish. Dis Charlie da' snail. He gonna be famous big Buther! I's giving it some of my milk so he's gonna be big and strong and fast. REALLY fast…"
"that's great bro."
"He gonna be so fast, fire gonna shoot out his butt! Instead of a slime trail, is gonna be a fire trail. All the hunny snails gonna be like, 'ooooh you's so fast! Imma give you lots of smooches!'"
"that's *yawn* great pap," said Sans pulling his covers up.
"He might grow extra teeths dough…"
"zzzz…"
"See these teeth Snas?" Papyrus clacked his teeth together several times.
"*snort!* d-uh don't do that bro, kay'? it ain't good for ya'."
"I's not supposed to have dis many toothies, but mah milk makes me grow better than other babies…"
"dope."
"Mhm yep, is very dope big Buther! I'd give YOU some of dis health milk, but these nutrients be made special for me," said Papyrus squeezing the nipple of his bottle with two fingers. A drop of milk dripped out from between them and landed on the snail who immediately retreated into his shell."Awwww, what's wrong Charlie? You doesn't like da' milk? You a grown snail?"
The snail didn't respond.
He didn't come out of his shell either.
It seemed like "Charlie" was either too big for baby formula, or was feeling just as lazy as Sans today. Despite constant poking and coercing on Papyrus's end, he just didn't seem to want to come back out, angering the baby bones.
"FINE! You go head and be a lazybones! Da' other snails be more than happy to train for Nappy's race!" he turned to the other snails. "WHO HERE THIRSTY FOR GLORY?"
All at once the other snails shot into their shells, shaking in fear.
"NYEHAAAHH, LAZYBONES! WE'S TRAINING FOR DA' SNAIL RACE! NO PUSSIES ALLOWED!"
"language bro, besides they're not being lazy, they're just scared pap. you're yelling at em' and probably hurting their little snail-ears…"
The infant frowned at his brother. Did Sans think he was stupid or something? Snails didn't have ears!
…
Did they?
To be honest, Papyrus wasn't too sure. He hadn't asked Napstablook about their anatomy on account of he had actually stolen the snails from his farm.
Maybe the baby WAS being too loud…he may be little, but the snails were even smaller. Maybe they DID have tiny ears; ears so tiny, Papyrus couldn't even SEE them.
"I's sorry widdle snail friends! I's just trying to do the mo-ti-vation…"
"i'm sure it's fine pappy," said Sans turning over in his bed. "just try to be a bit quieter."
So I can get some sleep.
"Kay'. Imma be reeeal quiet and stuff. I'LL BE THE QUIETEST BABY YOU EVER SAWED!"
The baby bones sat silently and waited for the snails to come back out, petting the shells in a loving manner. He wasn't sure if the snails could feel it, but he hoped so. Whenever HE was feeling sad or scared, Sans would always cradle him and rub his back., making him feel better and putting him to sleep.
Not that he wanted them to sleep, mind you. He just wanted them to feel less afraid.
To counter the sleepy-effect, Papyrus crawled over to his toy box and pulled out a book. The snails wouldn't sleep if they heard him telling a story. They'd be curious about what story he was reading and then they'd stay awake so they wouldn't miss anything…or that was the baby's reasoning at least.
"Once upon a time-"
"put that away."
"No. Once upon a time, a LONG-ass time ago in fact, there was a little girl who sucked."
"papyrus i mean it, no more stories. if they're not scary, then they're offensive-"
"Dis little girl was reeeeeal bad and didn't like to listen to her mommy and daddy. She stole stuff even dough she wasn't a baby, and she broke things all da' time even dough she not Undyne."
"PAPYRUS."
"Shu up Snas, is story time."
"i can't sleep when you're-"
"You will sweep or I will PUT you to sweep."
"…"
"ANYWAYS, da' girl was named Goldilocks and dis one time she goed into the woods even dough she not supposed to."
The snails silently slid out of their shells, glancing at the Nursery door.
"In da' woods she finded an igloo-"
"an igloo? what-"
"And she climbed in, all curious and stuff. She got in super easy too cause' igloos don't have doors. You can't lock an igloo, big Buther."
"why an igloo? i thought the three bears lived in a house…"
"Igloo IS a house Snas. THESE bears be polar bears."
"WHY though?"
"*Sigh* Because there be a Daddy bear, a Mama bear, and a Baby bear in da' story."
"so?"
"Soooo If they were brown bears or black bears, there wouldn't be a Daddy and the story would be ruined. Is dat what you want?"
"and theeeres the racism. i'm going to go sleep somewhere else."
CREEEAK!
The infant glared at his brother as he got out of bed and left the room with his blanket and pillow in tow.
"FINE!" yelled Papyrus. "The story's not for you anyway…nyeh…" The baby bones turned his back to the door and picked his book back up, slightly disappointed.
Sans got upset over the littlest of things sometimes…so what if Papyrus wanted to add a bit of realism to a fantasy story? He should be more tolerant of his story choices and less judgmental.
Set a good example for the baby.
"Inside, Goldilocks held her widdle nose; the house smelled like fish and white privilege and only the latter was she used to."
"SANS I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE."
"WHY? WHY CAN'T I SLEEP UNDER THE TABLE? I'M NOT BOTHERING ANYONE."
Papyrus glared at the door.
"IT'S NOT THAT YOU'RE BOTHERING ME, IT'S THAT IF I FORGET ABOUT YOU AND ACCIDENTALLY KICK YOU, IT COULD STARTLE ME INTO DROPPING ONE OF THE TEST TUBES. YOU KNOW HOW NERVOUS I GET-"
"SHA DA' FUK UP! I'S TELLING A STORY OVER HERE!"
"I'D ALSO APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D KEEP YOUR BROTHER QUIET. THIS IS KIND OF A DELICATE EXPERIMENT."
"I SAY SHOOSH! WHY YOU SO LOUD BABY BOP? YOU SCARE DA' SNAILS!"
There was a brief moment where Sans and Aphys's voice became quieter, but before Papyrus could pick up his story again, he heard claws clicking on the tile floor, heading towards the nursery. A sure sign that Alphys wanted to have another chat with the baby bones.
Which really sucked because he didn't like talking to Alphys.
If she wasn't stuttering obnoxiously, then she lecturing him calmly and without any intentional disrespect. It drove the infant crazy whenever she spoke to him for long periods of time as he couldn't just say "leave me alone" without feeling a tinge of guilt.
"Papyrus, could you p-please be quiet for your brother? I know it's noon, but I can't have him sleeping near my work area…"
"Why he can't sweep in another room? There be lots down here! Snas just trying to get baby in trouble!"
"He isn't trying to get you in trouble, the other rooms are being renovated or used for experiments-"
"You think just cause' you's famous you can come in here and boss erybody around? Go back to da' Barney Show and lee me alone!"
"*Sigh*" Alphys put a claw to her head. "I'm-I'm NOT Baby Bop. SANS I THOUGHT YOU TOLD HIM I WASN'T BABY BOP?"
I don't even LOOK like her…
"I DID!" replied Sans from down the hall. "I TOLD HIM A MILLION TIMES!"
"You can try to hide it all you want, but I knows the tooth. You got tired of the fans asking you if it was easy being green, so you quit da' famous life and got dat pastic surgery so you'd look more like your brother. You's Asian, I KNOWS it-"
"I'm not Asian, I'm just yellow!"
"A yellow tricer-ry-tops who like Asian stuff and eats noodles-"
"I AM AMER-I-CAN. AMERICAN!"
"Domo arigato miss Bay-bee Bop-o! NYEH HEH HEH!"
"knock it off bro," said Sans finally reentering the nursery.
"Why? What I do?"
"It's fine Sans, look Papyrus, if I listen to your story, will you let Sans sleep in here?"
"it's not that i CAN'T sleep in here, it's that i don't want to because-"
"YAY! BABY BOP GONNA JOIN OUR STORY CHARLIE!"
"bro, no."
This won't end well.
"Okay where was we? Oh yeah, there was dis bad girl right? She broked into dis igloo even dough she not black and started looking for something to eat."
"O-oh d-d-d-d-dear!"
"Nyeh hee hee, you sound like Piglet."
"DON'T call me that," said Alphys angrily. The kids at school called her that too in an attempt to make fun of her stuttering. It was one of the reasons she avoided making friends and poured herself into her studies. She even asked once to be home-schooled, but her parents just weren't bright enough to teach her and they lacked the money needed for a private tutor.
Luckily I have this place. I can learn from Gaster without being mocked…mocked for something I can't control anyway. He still lectures me about my work habits, but at least it's about my WORK habits.
"I's not insulting you, I likes da' Piglet. He's nice to Eeyore just like you's nice to Snas. Not many people are nice to Snas like you, Baby Bop. Is good having you around…"
"O-oh, thank you!"
"…I just doesn't like talking to you."
"papyrus!"
"It's okay Sans, I understand."
"still…"
"If you knows you's naggy, then don't nag. You annoy the baby."
"…"
Papyrus picked his book back up.
"So da' girl break into the igloo and she's all like, 'this pace smell like vagina, I don't like it very much."
"Uhh…"
"Goldilocks looked around and spotted the culprit, a table with three plates that each held freshly cut-"
"vaginas?"
"…"
"…"
"…Fish Snas. The plates held fish," said Papyrus. He turned his back to Sans and moved towards Alphys, deciding it would be best to ignore his gross brother for the rest of the story. "The fish were raw and cut open, wit all da' bones removed and it was yucky like Snas-"
"hey!"
"She say 'eww! dis fish be raw, I can't eat dis!' and she throw them out the door. Even the widdle bear baby's fish was thrown out. Isn't dat sad?"
"Are these polar bears? Why are they polar bears?"
"just-just let him read."
"Is a white family."
Alphys shifted in her seat, feeling more and more uncomfortable as the story went on.
"Da' girl was feeling sad cause' she be hungry, but then she gotted an idea to check the cab-i-nets for food. She grabbed the Daddy bear's chair, but she couldn't push it cause' it made of ice and was too big. Is a big ol' ice block!"
"so? shouldn't the ice slide across the ice floor?" Sans didn't mean to ask questions during one of Papyrus's stories, but he found there were times he just couldn't help it. Luckily Alphys interjected, before his brother could explain.
"Actually Sans, assuming the floor IS made of ice, that would be extremely difficult. Once you touch a block of ice, your body temperature makes the ice melt enough to begin creating a bit of water. Once that water is hit by the cold air, it freezes immediately and makes the ice block harder to push across the icy flooring as it fuses them together like ice cubes in a freezer…not that igloos are usually made of ice anyway. Snow is a much better insulator of heat and-"
"Since Goldilocks couldn't move the first ice block, she decided to use the Mommy one, but even dough she could lift it, it be too heavy to carry for long."
"Which makes sense seeing as an ice block can weigh from 12 to 150 kg, and to support a fully grown female polar bear-"
"SO THEN SHE TRY THE BABY BLOCK AND IT WORKED CAUSE' DAT'S WHAT DA' BOOK SAYS."
"I highly doubt it, books are made to be educational; that-that's not even the Three Bears!" exclaimed Alphys, tilting her head. The book was upside down, but she could still tell it wasn't the story Papyrus was reading. The title was only one word!
"Kar…Karma…Karmasutra…? KARMASUTRA?! SANS!"
"IT"S NOT MINE, IT'S HIS!"
"No, dis be Snas' book. He like to help baby exercise-"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT IS, AND NO I DON'T!"
"Yeah-huh! Snas help the baby get big and strong when I growed out mah bones! I love him good…"
"…"
"He's lying Alphys!"
"…I have work to do."
Getting up from the floor, Alphys walked out of the Nursery, avoiding Sans' eyes.
"Great job big Buther, you blew it. I's trying to make you look good so you two get married, but you screwed it up. Why you gotta be gross and a-noxious all the time?"
"wha-"
Papyrus crawled after Alphys out of the room to apologize on Sans' behalf, leaving the comedian alone.
"*sigh* great, now they both think i'm weird. you believe me though, right charlie?"
…
"….charlie?"
Charlie had already left.