"well would ya' look at that? there's someone in the water bro!"
"Yep, I sees em'."
"do you know who that is? who is that pappy, hm? who is that?"
"A baby."
"heh heh heh..."
He's so cute...
"i KNOW it's a baby papyrus-"
"A very DEAD baby."
"..."
okay maybe not THAT cute...
"what uh, what makes you think they're dead pap? dead people turn to dust."
"Is a HUMAN baby. Probably Chinese."
Sans sighed. "i'm not sure what a chinese is, but i'm preeetty positive you're being racist again."
He kicked a nearby stone into a different puddle, annoyed. It had only been ten minutes in Waterfall and he was already wanting to go home.
"why do you say these things bro? we hear enough racism from dad, i don't want you to turn out like him..."
"But is true dough!" insisted Papyrus. "They throw their babies away all da' time! They only like widdle boy babies such as myselves cause' they be the only ones to pass on the family name and stuff. I bet there be a lot of skelly babies in the water over there too. China be a good pace to find hunnies."
"..."
"Hello hunnie baby! Does you like what you see?"
"pfft! pap-"
"LOOK SNAS, SHE SMILING AT ME! Nyeh heh heh...what's happening baby girl? I likes your rain coat! Why don't you come out the water and share my umbrella?"
"HEH HEH HA HA HA HA!"
Sans howled with laughter as his brother continued smiling into the puddle, waiting patiently for the "baby girl" to come out. Suddenly the day had gotten a lot better. The infant twirled his umbrella nervously, hoping she wouldn't say anything about already having one of her own; he didn't want to look stupid in front of Sans...
"Why don't you come out widdle baby? Is you stuck in da' mud down there? Is da' water too deep?"
"i think she's shy bro! why don't you go help her?"
"Nyeh? But dat's deep water big Buther! I can't swims in da' deep water without mah floaties..."
"here, lemme help ya'."
"NOOOOO! DON'T PUSH DA' BABY!"
PAFF PAFF!
Papyrus hit Sans with his umbrella, luckily not doing any harm thanks to the comedian's hoodie.
"woah woah, pap! take it easy!"
"NYEHAAAAHHH! GO WAY!"
PAFF PAFF PAFF!
"alright i'll back off! just stop hitting me before you kill me, ha ha!"
PAFF!
"Kay'."
"..."
"Hey Snas, you think the reason she don't come out is cause' she don't like merican' babies?"
"i doubt it pap."
"Could you tells her I doesn't have a gun? She not gonna beweave me if she know my font..."
Sans put his hands over his face. "*siiiiigh* he doesn't...he doesn't have a gun."
Where is he GETTING this stuff?
"Also tells her I won't blow her up either. She might know I be from Egypt-"
"what are these words you're using?"
"Is okay girl baby, I's too widdle to make bombs. My buther do dough-"
"no i don't!"
"He call them 'jokes!' NYEH HEE HEE HEE!"
"...well aren't you hilarious?"
You little brat.
"Yep, I's funny as hell! Look Snas! Da' baby girl be laughing too!" said Papyrus, pointing at the puddle excitedly. "I's gonna get da' smooches for sure!"
"yeeep, she digs ya' alright. *yawn*"
"No Snas! You gots to stay awake and be mah wing-man!"
"your what?"
"You gots to be my wing-man and tell the girl baby all bout' mah many many ah-com-plishments!"
"accomplishments...?"
What accomplishments?
"uh...yesterday, pappy stuck his foot in his mouth..."
"Yep, is too! I did it easy without falling over! I's very talented."
"...and today he tore the eye out of his teddy bear and ate it."
"One day it'll be a REAL bear."
"wh-"
"Yogi gonna get his. Those MY pici-nic baskets..."
Sans shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the next. He didn't know WHY he was so nervous, it's not like the baby in the puddle was real or anything, but he still somehow felt embarrassed.
"hey bro, maybe don't say those things in public kay'?"
It's one of the reasons we don't have any friends except Undyne.
"But if I doesn't then she won't know how strong and brave I be! She gots to know I can protect her from bears or she won't marry me Snas!"
"i'm sure the result will be the same regardless of how much you brag."
"You think she'll like me anyways? Why? Dis a Dragon baby? You's a gold-digger?"
"*pfft!* so what if she is? what are you worried about? you don't got any money, heh heh ha ha ha!"
"Yes I does. Jerry too widdle to go to jail, so we's back in business!" cheered the baby, pumping his fist in the air.
"NO," replied Sans firmly. "you stop dealing drugs papyrus; it's wrong. you know it's wrong. you shouldn't take advantage of the addicts in the underground like that."
"Why not?! Monies should go to people who take care of themselves," said the infant matter-of-factly. "Druggies are weak Snas. They bring down society and eventually turn into murderers when they gets des-per-ate for da' drugs and can't afford them."
"that's...that's not true," said Sans, but in truth he wasn't so sure. A lot of killers populated the Underground, ESPECIALLY in the alleys of the Resort Area where the richer monsters ate. Why would the monsters there steal their money instead of food if the G wasn't for drugs?
"How do YOU know? You doing da' drugs Snas?!"
"what? no!"
"You's doing the kistal meth? The angel dust? IS YOU DOING DA' COCA COLA?!"
"that's a drink."
"YOU'S DOING COKE!"
"i don't even drink coke. YOU'RE the one who eats and drinks stuff from the dump, not me!"
You gross little freak. HOW have you not gotten sick yet?
The comedian had tried, like his father, to keep his brother from eating out of the Dump, but when the baby bones started keeping secret "snacks" in his onesie, he quit, for fear of stinking up the whole nursery.
Maybe I should get Flowey to talk to him.
Papyrus and Flowey got along great together, to the point where Sans often became jealous of their little fights and arguments. Despite the insults they threw at one another, they had a lot in common when it came to how they viewed the world and the people within it. Maybe the tiny plant COULD talk some sense into him.
I bet he could. I bet if FLOWEY said something, he'd quit. Maybe I should be more like him...?
Sans thought about going around on a daily basis insulting people, including his brother, but quickly brushed it away. There was no way he could do that. Besides, he doubted insult comics would be too popular in the Underground; despite all the killings, people down there still treated one another with respect during the daytime, or at least that was Sans' perspective. Maybe they were just nice to children...?
But I'm not wearing a striped shirt...
"Is dat why you gots so much junk in yo' trunk big Buther? Cause' you's a junkie?"
Sans snapped back to reality. "what?"
What did he say?
"DAAAADYYYYY, SNAS GOTS DRUGS IN HIS BUTT!"
WHAT DID HE SAY?
"NO I DON'T!"
"I'm telling Daddy you gots coke in yo' butt!"
"we're in waterfall and he doesn't care."
"I'm telling EVERYONE."
"do NOT embarrass me papyrus!"
What the hell is his PROBLEM?!
The baby bones looked down into the puddle worriedly.
"Don't worry widdle girl baby, I doesn't do da' drugs, I just sells em'. I doesn't keep them in mah butt either."
"i don't do drugs and she's not real, that's just your reflection!"
"You doesn't do drugs...? Then why you keeps em' in your butt if not for safe-keeping? Are you trying to prank the doody dogs? You want to get the doggies high when they sniffs your butt?"
"this conversation is over."
"Nyeh hee hee hee! You's funny big Buther!"
"I'm leaving."
Sans teleported away.
"Awww...dat's a shame. NYEH HEE HEE HEE!"
SPLISH!
Papyrus splashed playfully in the puddle.