"huh?"
"Hey Snas, how you spell yo' name? Is with an S or a Z?"
"what are you talking about?"
"Is S-N-A-S or S-N-A-Z? It sound like da' latter, but I's a baby, so I don't spell good."
"what exactly are you putting my name on?" asked Sans, eyeing the piece of paper in his brother's hand.
"Is a flyer."
"what's on the flyer?"
"Letters."
"bro-"
"Letters and a picture of you that I taked. Lookin' fine in dat lab coat big Buther..."
"seriously pap, what are you putting my name on?"
"Is a job wanted flyer! I knows you doesn't like working for Daddy for no monies, so I'm gonna get you a new one!"
Sans took the paper from his brother and began to read it out loud. "big-ass baby looking for work. cute butt, cute head, cute everything. has experience in being daddy's slave-bro you're not posting this."
"Why not?!"
"many reasons."
"You like being Daddy's slave?"
"no, but if we're starting with the obvious, this picture is inappropriate."
"It's yo' butt!"
"i can see that-"
"I took the picture so they knows I's not lying. There be a picture of your head and your feets underneath like a flippybook-"
"what is it with you and butts lately papyrus? you keep bringing them up and it's weird!"
"Pooburty."
"babies don't go through puberty."
"Oh."
"..."
"..."
"...I needs a doctor big Buther..."
Sans ignored him and continued to read the book he was holding, crumbling the paper Papyrus had made into a ball and shoving it into his coat pocket. He had hoped the act would make his brother get the message and go away, but the baby didn't seem to care that his hard work had been destroyed. Instead, Papyrus merely pulled out another sheet and began to scribble on it with a pen.
"Okay, how's dis? Big-ass baby looking for work, lossa experience being Daddy's slave. No butt stuff."
"papyrus, no. i appreciate what you're trying to do, but no. it sucks that i don't get paid, but i enjoy my job, so it's fine."
"*Tch* Lazybones! Work not supposed to be fun!" Grumbling, the infant angrily scribbled out what he wrote and started again. "Kay'...big-ass baby looking for fun. Lossa experience being Daddy's slave, but still needs to be punished. He's been real bad-"
"what?"
"He's use to abuse and likes to abuse others-"
"i'm abusive? i'm abusive because i don't want another job?"
"He be very obee-di-ant and likes to act like animals when he play. He go 'WOOF WOOF! ARRROOOOO!"
"gimme that freaking paper."
"Dis be Snas's number, call if you gots any kestions or weequests."
"don't put down my number."
"No number...? Kay', I go change it to yo' email."
Sans paused. "'go?' what do you mean 'go?' where are you go-ING?"
"Undernet."
"the undernet?"
"Yep!"
"you put my cell number on the undernet?"
"I putted the job thingy and yo' cell number. Now I gots to copy dis stuff and then post da' flyers so ERYBODY knows about you. "
"..."
"Also I didn't know how to spell Snas, so I put Sans kay'?"
Sans' sockets went dark.
RING RING!
"LOOK SNAS! An employer..."
RING RING RING!"
"Isn't you gonna answer your phone big Buther? They might has a fun job for you..."
RING RING RING!
Looking at his pocket warily, the comedian reached inside and took out his phone, looking at the number.
"*sigh*"
It's just Dad.
"hello? hey dad, sup?"
"You know what's 'sup' child..."
"nooo, can't say that i do actually. you realize i'm in the next room right? you can just come talk to me."
"Well yes, I suppose I COULD do that, but there's a slight problem."
"you're busy?"
"I'M DETAINED!"
Sans pulled the receiver away from his head. "what?"
"SOMEONE FOUND YOUR POST ON THE UNDERNET AND NOW I'M BEING QUESTIONED BY THE ROYAL GUARD!"
"wh-heh heh ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"IT'S NOT FUNNY SANS, THEY THINK I'M SELLING MY CHILDREN! WHY WOULD YOU PUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT ON THE WEB?"
"did you actually read the post or...?"
"OF COURSE NO-it was your brother wasn't it?"
"NYEH HEE HEE HEE HEE!"
"Put that little shit on the phone."
"alrighty," turning around, Sans held out his cell phone to his little brother who grabbed it with both hands.
"Hellwoe? What you want?"
"TAKE THAT POST DOWN RIGHT NOW PAPYRUS!"
"Nyeh? Papyrus? I's not Papyrus, dis be da' pizza shop..."
"PAPYRUS!"
"We gots da' cheesy pizza, da' peppy-roni pizza, and we gots pizza with widdle fishies on them. They look like dis," Papyrus widened his eyes and opened his mouth, imitating a dead anchovy.
"heh heh heh..."
"You want dat pizza? Is good..."
"I WANT YOU TO TAKE DOWN THAT POST!"
"What post?"
"YOU KNOW WHAT POST!"
"No I doesn't. Look sir, if you doesn't want a pizza, don't call here kay'? Cause' dis be the pizza pace."
BEEP!
Papyrus hung up.
"I think he bought it big Buther..."
"...why?"
BE-CUN!
"PAPYRUS GET THAT GODDAMN POST OFF THE UNDERNET!" screamed Gaster from the intercom.
"uh. oh! heh heh heh!"
"Uh oh Snas!"
"what are you gonna do bro?"
"There's only one thing to do," said the baby bones reaching into his toy chest. "I gots to run away." He pulled out a little plastic Mickey Mouse purse he had found at the Dump and began stuffing it with crayons.
"you're gonna run away...?"
"Yep, but don't worry Snas, though fate tears us apart dis day, I's certain we shall meet again!"
"heh heh ha ha ha! where you gonna go bro? you gonna go live with flowey?"
He's been gone an awful long time...maybe he's really NOT coming back...
"No, baby already tried that," said Papyrus thinking back to last week.
"NO. No no no no, you get the HELL out of here-"
"Hellwoe Dirt-butt! I's come to visit you! Nyeh heh heh!"
"Did you not hear me? GT...FO."
"Why you staring at da' ground Dirt-butt? Didja lose something?"
"YEAH I LOST PEACE AND QUIET! WHAT PART OF 'LEAVE' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?"
Continuing to ignore the plant, Papyrus crawled around and patted the ground with a smile.
"What are you doing?"
"What's it look like I's doing?"
"Not leaving."
"I's looking for the quiet..."
"..."
"I know it be around here somewhere, don't chu worry. The Gweat Papyrus gonna find it real good-"
"I know you're not stupid Papyrus," said Flowey frowning. "You may have everyone ELSE fooled, but I KNOW better-"
"SHHH! You'll scare away da' quiet Dirt-butt!"
"Knock it off."
"What the quiet look like? Is it small? Like, really REALLY small?"
"Yeah it's small, SMALL LIKE YOUR BR-" the plant stopped short. "You know what? Forget it," he said, smiling slyly. "Forget looking for the quiet. We'll make our OWN quiet, how's that sound?"
The infant's eyes immediately lit up. "Ooooh! We doing da' arts and crafts?"
He loved arts and crafts, but Flowey NEVER joined in with him and Sans. He instead preferred to watch from the air vent whilst occasionally shouting down insults centered around their creations.
Not that it bothered Papyrus per say.
Flowey was obviously just upset that he couldn't use the glue without getting his petals and/or roots stuck together, which would've been sad if he didn't handle it in such a pathetic manner like all his other problems.
"No, we're gonna play a game. The QUIET game..."
"Ki-et game...?" Papyrus looked disappointed.
"Yep, the quiet game; it's where we sit still and make no noise whatsoever. Whoever talks first loses, okay?"
"Kay'."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...We's playing right now?"
"Yeah, isn't this fun?"
"Yep! I really like sitting around in a field doing nothing like an asshole!"
"YOU CAN LEAVE!"
"No really; doing nothing is a baby's favorite thing to do, cause' we doesn't know how to be pro-duc-tive members of so-ci-et-y..." said Papyrus before lazily rolling onto his back and sticking his foot in his mouth.
"..."
"Also I can't leave until I beats you in round two, then I'll be da' game master!"
Flowey snorted. "You didn't beat me in round one, so how do you suppose you're going to do that?" he asked, placing his leaves where his hips would be.
"Easily," replied the infant. "And I did too beat you. You's just a sore loser, like always."
"I AM NOT!"
"Perhaps you should get on baby's level Dirt-butt?"
"I DIDN'T LOSE! All i did was tell you that the game started and that doesn't count!"
"Git good scrub flower, nyeh heh heh!"
"Whatever. Even if I DID lose, YOU'RE being a sore winner!" said Flowey turning away.
This made Papyrus sit up and scratch his skull in confusion. "...Dat don't make sense dough. How can baby be sore if baby won? You's making stuff up-"
"NO I'M NOT!"
"You wants an apo-lo-gy?"
"YES!"
"Kay'."
"..."
"..."
"...Well?"
"I'm sorry you suck."
"GET OUT OF MY FIELD!"
"...And dat's what happened."
"what?"
"What?"
RING RING!
"...You want some pizza Snas?"
"go take down that post," said Sans turning off his phone.
"If I takes it down will you pay wit me?"
"uhh..." he looked at his book and then back at Papyrus. He was in the middle of it, nowhere near the end, but he doubted he'd get much studying done if Gaster managed to convince the guards to step aside.
Dad and Pap will be at each other's throats all day if the guards leave, and dogs don't have the greatest attention span to begin with...
"uhhh, yeah sure, i suppose i could spend some time with ya' if you want...depends on what we're playing though."
I'm not playing Hide and Seek with this cheater again, THAT'S for sure. Last time he used the security cameras to find me, the little brat.
"We pay House!"
"heh heh heh, house huh? and lemme guess, you wanna be the baby right?"
Papyrus ignored him and crawled back to his toy box shifting loudly through the multitude of broken toys.
"whatcha' looking for baby bro?"
"Nyeh heh heh!" the infant laughed happily as he raised a fairly large stick in the air triumphantly, his brother watching him in confusion.
Why does he have a stick in his toy box?
CLACK CLACK CLACK!
Hobbling around on the stick, Papyrus grabbed a clipboard with one tiny hand and looked at it disapprovingly. "Wrong, wrong, wrong. Dis be all wrong. Don't chu know anything besides food? You went to doctor school didn't you? Sometimes I thinks you's just here to clean out da' vending machines..."
"wh-what?"
"Where da' patient at? You didn't eat them did you? You know we need those things for monies-"
"what the hell is your problem?"
"Well I gots a whale in my staff room, so PETA's bound to give me a call sooner or later, other than that though it's just my leg...oh, and the fact that you suck at yo' job."
"your...leg hurts...?"
What?
"The patient OB-VI-OUS-LY gots da' heatstroke, so we needs to put them in the feezer or they no get better. I doesn't know why you thought it be a good idea to put em' in a hospital bed."
"put em' in the freezer huh? heh, iii don't think that's a good idea lil' bro."
"I stopped paying you to think when I re-ah-lized you's bad at it. Now you follow orders. INTO DA' FEEZER!" exclaimed the baby pointing to the ceiling dramatically. He then dropped the clipboard and plopped down on the floor, waiting for his older brother to respond.
"okayyy...?"
Papyrus stared right through him and waited silently; a smile plastered on his face. Apparently he had no intention of giving Sans any more instruction, despite never mentioning where, or more importantly, who the patient was supposed to be.
Am I supposed to go find one of his dolls or something?
Knowing his brother, that probably wasn't the case, but Sans went to the toy box anyway in hopes that the baby Horror would be as happy with a non-living patient as he would a live one.
He was immediately stopped in his tracks.
"Where you going Dr. Snas? We gots to save the patient or they's gonna die! Leave the toys alone, those be for sick babies..."
"where do i go then pap? where's the sick guy?"
"Nyeh?" Papyrus looked around. "*GASP!* SNAS!"
"what?"
"THE PATIENT'S ASCAPED!"
"they escaped huh? and why would anyone wanna escape a hospital? that's where people get healthy bro!"
"They must be hippies Snas!"
"really pap?"
"Quick! We gots to catch em' before they go online and convince peoples to use natural home re-me-dies and herbs instead of medicines!"
"herbs ARE medicine."
"..."
"...what?"
"You's fired."
"i'm fired...?"
"You's fired. I can't and won't have druggies working under my stupervision. No wonder you's bad at yo' job!"
"i'm not a hippie, and that's very offensive."
"I doesn't wanna hear your excuses. Have your desk cweened out by dis afternoon," said Papyrus. He crawled away, exiting the lab door that led to Waterfall, and leaving his older sibling alone. He was sad that he couldn't have Sans be his employee anymore, but at least Undyne had gotten home from daycare by now; he could play House with her. She wasn't very smart, but at least she wasn't a drug user...
His brother could be REALLY disappointing sometimes.
"psh, whatever," muttered Sans picking up his book. "i didn't wanna play with you any-"
Wait a minute.
"PAPYRUS TAKE DOWN THAT POST!"
"NYEH!"
PUMP!
Papyrus kicked the glass door to the lab with his foot and continued on angrily.
Go munch a tree, hippie baby.