"You wants some more flowers hippie baby?"
"heh heh heh, dontcha' think i got enough here bro?"
"If I did, I wouldn't offer you more, now would I?"
"no need to be a smartass pap...and stop calling me hippie baby! i'm not a hippie nor am i a baby; i'm five years older than you-"
"Shu up and eat yo' plants hippie baby."
FOOP!
Suddenly without warning, Flowey popped up from the soil glaring venomously at Papyrus.
"Greetings Dirt-Butt!"
"Hiya buddy! Don't mind me, I just stopped by to return the crap you left in my field!"
"crap...?"
SWISH!
With one swift movement, Flowey threw a used diaper, apparently filled with feces, at the little baby bones.
"PAP!"
SPLARSH!
The infant dodged it and looked behind him to see it splatter in a disgusting mess against the rocky wall before sliding down into the Dump's water basin to join the other trash piles.
"HEY! DAT WAS A GIFT FROM DA' BABY YOU INGRATE!" yelled Papyrus angrily.
"IT WAS CRAP! LITERAL CRAP! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE LEAVING CRAP IN MY FIELD?"
"PLANTS LIKE DOODY! I SAWED IT ON DA' VIDO GAME!"
"video game...? what video game?"
Papyrus turned to Sans. "Chara had a vido game a long time ago where they planted stuffs and milked moo cows..." he said, picking another flower.
"wh-what?"
"He's talking about Harvest Moon Smiley, you've never heard of it because no one plays with you." Flowey pointed to the mess on the wall. "THAT is not fertilizer bottle breath, and I don't NEED fertilizer to begin with-"
"i wanna play the video game..."
How come I wasn't invited?
"You can't play it unless you have a certain game console Smiley, and those aren't for poor people like you. That game's boring anyway-"
"Nyeh? You payed the game Dirt-Butt?"
"Uh, no...but I HEARD about it..."
Damn it, I need to stop doing this...
"You's lying. I bet you just feel bad about selling yo' family for profit, so you's trying to cover it up! Dat game not boring big Buther, it got goats!"
"Stop."
"yeah bro, that's not cool. just because he's a flower doesn't mean vegetables are his family."
"No, I meant about the goats," said Flowey sporting a serious look. "Stop talking about the goats."
"Why? Those be da' best part! YOU CAN MILK THEM DIRT-BUTT." said Papyrus, his eyes sparkling. "When I first sawed dat, I was like 'ooooh! I gots a goat friend! I bet if I ask Azzy real nice, he'll give me all the milk I wants-"
"Shut up."
"But when I asked him for some of dat goaty-goodness, he said no and it made me sad..."
"WHAT PART OF SHUT UP DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND TRASHBAG?"
"what's your problem flowey?"
"So I waited till the middle of da' night..."
"Papyrus."
"...And I cweeped into his room..."
"PAPYRUS!"
"And I-"
"AND HE GOT HIMSELF THROWN OUT OF THE CASTLE. THE END!"
"Noooooo, dat's not what happened Dirt-Butt! You doesn't know the whole story cause' you wasn't there. First, Azzy yell and kicked the baby-"
"WHICH YOU DESERVED!"
"Then he go 'DAAAAAAAD! THE CREEP BABY'S IN MAH ROOM AND HE'S GRABBIN' MEEEEE! WAAAAHHHHHH!"
"I DID NO-HE DID NOT CRY LIKE THAT!"
"Yeah he did, and Chara was like, 'shut up crybaby,' and Azzy was like, 'WAAAAAHHHHHHH!' and then Chara was like 'SHUT UP ASRIEL,' and then Azzy was like, 'DAAAAAADDYYYYYY!' and then Chara was like, 'I WILL CARVE YOU LIKE PUMPKINS-"
"SHUT UP PAPYRUS, YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR! HE'S LYING SMILEY, THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"
"Then ol' Fluffy Buns came in and said, 'silly child, if you wanted to stay over, you should've just asked! Ho ho ho!' and then Azzy go, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO-"
WHAP!
"NYEH!"
Flowey smacked the ground with a vine, startling the baby bones and sending him falling backwards into the shallow water.
SPLASH!
"FLOWEY!"
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET, IDIOT BABY!"
"NYEHHHHHHHHHH!"
"aww it's okay bro, don't cry," said Sans picking his brother up out of the dirty water. "what's your damage weed?! he's only a baby!"
"HE IS AN ASSHOLE!"
"YOU'RE an asshole! he was just telling a story, and knowing pap, it probably wasn't even true! you gotta give your patriotism a rest my man-"
"He made me fall in da' rainbow water Snas! Now I smells like Dirt-Butt..."
"SCREW YOU!"
"yeah, we should get you changed before you get sick. you didn't swallow any of this did ya'?"
"No, the fish lady said this water be only for the flowers dat grow here...and Daddy say rainbows are for the gays. I can't drink dis."
"that, *pfft!* that doesn't mean you didn't swallow some on accident baby bro, ha ha ha ha!"
"Gay flowers huh?"
"I didn't swallow any. I's ALWAYS careful at da' Dump big Buther. If I swallows the rainbow water I'll turn into a gay baby and then you's gonna hate me."
"psh, no i won't! not that you even know what that word means..."
"Course I do! I look-ed it up! It means homo."
"uh..."
Aw crap, does this mean I have to worry about him being racist towards homosexuals now? God damnit Dad!
"Homosapien."
"w-what?"
"Gay means homo and homo stands for homosapien. I sawed it on the compooter."
"HA HA HA HA! iiiii think you're confused baby bro," laughed Sans loudly.
"Nope. I look-ed it up. It mean homosapien...and homosapien means human."
"heh heh heh, okay pap-"
"Dat's why Undyne don't drink the water even dough she a fish and erybody runs through da' Dump super fast; if you drinks the water or stay in it too long, the bac-teary-ah soaks into yo' body and turns you into a human."
"Bacteria...?"
Wait a minute...
"cool story bro! ha ha ha ha ha ha! tell another one!"
"ERRRRRNNNN!"
"Hold on Smiley," said Flowey, remembering something important. "Chara mentioned this to m-uh Asriel, once...while I was hanging with my fellow flowers. They said it was the bacteria in the water that made it look rainbow colored and if you drank it or it got into one of your cuts, you'd get a disease."
"Yep! Is too! The water-"
"bullcrap."
"No really Trashbag, Chara said-"
"i don't care what this 'chara human' i've never met said. the water might make you sick, but it doesn't turn you into a human," said Sans wearily. He could already sense a long-ass debate heading his way.
Usually, Sans liked to argue things, especially with adults. It made him feel smarter regardless or whether or not he won and it left him with something to think about at night when he was bored.
Flowey however, was different.
It wasn't that he lacked the skill to have others see things his way, but he often resorted to petty insults whenever he began to lose or got too frustrated in general. He wouldn't ADMIT to losing either. he always either had some kind of excuse or ended the conversation with "whatever, you're an idiot," or something along those lines. Sans had THOUGHT he'd been freed from his obnoxious arguments, but though the plant no longer lived with them in the Nursery, he still popped up from time to time to yell at Papyrus for something.
Apparently, the baby bones was still visiting him and causing trouble.
"So, what, Smiley? You think humans just fell out of the friggen' sky? Have you ever even HEARD of the theory of evolution? EVERYTHING COMES FROM BACTERIA. Maybe if you'd get your head out of those stupid space books of yours-"
"how the hell does a kid like you know about the evolution theory? what kind of expensive-ass education-"
"DON'T YOU BE WORRIED ABOUT MY EDUCATION BONE BAG! Focus on yours a little, and you'd be a lot more open-minded and a lot less stupid!"
"pff, whatever. the evolution theory says bacteria turned into humans, not changed other creatures into them...whatever school you went to, you clearly weren't paying attention."
"The government covered it up."
"shut up pap."
"What if they did Smiley? People lie all the time, maybe the humans didn't want to admit they came from gross stuff so they changed the science books!"
"you're both insane."
"Maybe Chara was trying to warn Asriel about the disease. Maybe the reason the Dump is open to the public is because the king's trying to turn monsters into humans!" cried Flowey putting his leaves to his cheeks."I bet he's using the water to solve the Underground's overpopulation problem...I bet your brother's eaten dozens of humans by now, he just can't crawl fast enough to get the souls to Asgore before they disappear...I bet that's why he comes to the Dump so much, isn't that right Pappy? I'm right, right?"
"Nyeh? But I only eated one human..."
"come on bro, we're leaving."
"Heh heh heh, better take a shortcut Smiley. I bet the water's even MORE dangerous for skeletons...you're already SUPER close to being human and those slippers aren't very protective."
"you don't scare me kid."
"It'd be a shame if any of this stuff got in between your joints and ate through your ectoplasm..." said Flowey thoughtfully.
"so what, it's acidic now?"
"If it does, your ectoplasm will probably seep out of your joints while you sleep and start growing and growing until it covers your bones like a slimy jumpsuit."
"gross."
"It'll crawl up to your skull and engulf you like a cocoon. You'll wake up gagging on your newly grown esophagus, doing everything you can to scream for help, but no one will hear you."
"seek help flowey."
Sans grunted, slapping at his brother's jacket with his sleeve in an attempt to get the disgusting grime off the back. He didn't believe what Flowey was saying in the slightest, but that didn't mean he wanted to touch it.
"*sigh*"
Darn, I might have to throw this away...
"...Then your vision will darken and darken as your eye sockets fill with expanding goop that eventually shapes itself into eyeballs and your new eyelids will blind you because you won't know how to open them! Wouldn't that be horrible?"
"are you done?"
Apparently not, as Flowey only grinned wider and coiled himself around the two skeletons. "Poor, poor Smiley...pretty soon, no one will recognize you," he said, hugging and petting Sans' skull. "Disgusting hairs will grow from your body and the only person who'll find you appealing...is your widdle baby brother...your little...HUNGRY...brother-"
"get off me! papyrus would never eat me, would ya' pappy?"
"..."
"bro...?"
"...I might nibble yo' hairs."
"YOU CAN'T HAVE MY HAIR!"
"Your hairs and yo' fingernails-"
"YOU CAN'T HAVE EITHER, I NEED THOSE TO LIVE!"
Flowey laughed and looked down from Sans' shoulder, amused though slightly bothered. Staring intently at his own reflection, he thought about the Dump. He didn't believe his own spiel either, but it WAS strange that the king would leave such a diseased area open to the public. This place was the only real connection to the human world they had and most of the Underground's technology came from the items found floating downstream. Through reverse engineering, monsters had been able to create stoves, fridges, lighting, and even some more advanced things like cell phones, televisions, and computers; but...
But the Dump and the stuff inside it aren't restricted to just scientists, engineers, and other educated monsters; kids like us can waltz in like it's no big deal and take whatever precious artifacts we find no problem.
Why?
Shouldn't all this rare stuff be used for technological purposes rather than sales fodder or toys? This place should be restricted, especially if it makes you sick!
Where's the "No Kids Allowed" sign?
"flowey tell papyrus humans need their hair to live!"
"...What?"
"papyrus says humans don't need hair to live and he's wrong!"
"They doesn't Snas. Is just there to look good."
"no it's not! they need their hair to stay warm, isn't that right flowey?"
"How the hell should I know? Stop bothering me, I'm trying to figure something out-"
"you know because you're all patriotic and stuff! you know everything about the royal family because you follow them constantly. can, er, could chara live without their hair?"
"I don't KNOW Smiley! I didn't friggin' ask them, okay?! God..."
"I seens Chara too Snas, and they only had hair on their head and a widdle on their arms...dat's not enough to keep them warm."
"humph! well mayyybe they didn't have a lot of hair yet because they were still little pap, ever think of that? maybe grown humans look like asgore."
Papyrus smiled at the wall. "You's tripping balls big Buther..."
"no i'm not."
"Is da' shrooms right?"
"The what?"
"Want some more plants hippie baby?"
1
Sans slapped the flowers out of his brother's hand.
"...You's lucky you gots one hp muder fucker."