"Do something about it, Friedrich." Grif pleaded

"I don't have time to entertain you and Simmons. Remember when you tried to convince him dragons were real?" I was tired of Grif and Simmons getting me involved with their fun. Plus I usually faced the same punishment they did.

"Dude. All we have is time." Grif responded.

"You raise a good argument." I finally succumbed to him. He normally persuaded me.

Grif led me to the outside of the base which was just dirt and grass. While Sarge, Grif and Simmons hated it, I loved it. It was peaceful and calm. The blues were probably as incompetent as we were, so I ruled out an attack taking place. While I didn't think the military would bring him peace, it did.

"While Sarge is out to command we should totally go to the Vegas quadrant," Grif said with rare excitement.

"Nein."

"What? come on. Let's go gamble away our life savings and kill a hooker or two." Grif pleaded.

"You know I was there when you tried this on Simmons when we were rookies? Sarge won't be gone for long anyway," I explained.

"It's only 3 parsecs away. We'll be back way before Sarge."

Before I could reject him again, Simmons popped up and joined the conversation.

"Don't listen to him Friedrich, he'll just sell you out."

"I told you that was for an extra ration. All's fair in war baby."

"Asshole," Simmons grumbled.

"Listen, why can't we just have a peaceful day where we just hold back on the excitement. There's no need to go crazy over one day," I pleaded.

"Yeah, no. The days that Sarge is gone is the day that I have fun." He looked at me. "Free from your boring personality." He now looked at Simmons. "And free from your annoying personality."

"Fuck that. I never get a rest from your lazy ass." Simmons argued.

"We all know what will happen. Sarge is going to find out you've been fooling around and dock your rations. And we all know what happens after. Your fat ass starts stealing our food. So a peaceful truce is what we should do." He offered. I was probably the most sensible out of the 3. Not because I was a good problem solver or had good people skills but because I was a lot more patient than his two peers.

"Peaceful truce? What's in it for me?"

"W-what's in it for you? You get to actually eat. There's nothing in for you."

"Friedrich if there's one thing I've ever learnt, is that there's always something in it for me," Grif said smugly.

"Grif, there's nothing in it for you. I've never seen you go without food for more than an hour." I said as politely as possible.

"Is that a challenge?" Grif asked.

"The opposite."

"You know what? I'm done here. You two always have this conversation and it always ends up the same way." Simmons said while storming away.

"You know, for someone who calls himself 'peaceful' you sure do start arguments the most."

"For someone as lazy as you, you sure do talk a lot."

"We'll continue this later."

A few hours after that conversation, Sarge returned.

"Boy, what did I tell you about saying that."

"Sir, I just think you should tone down on the references to slicing Grifs throat and blasting his head with your shotgun." I requested.

"That's a tall order. You're asking me to rid a part of my personality. What are you red army HR?" Sarge said with a questioning tone.

There was a silence between the two soldiers.

"Oh, I forgot about that. That's embarrassing." Sarge

There was another silence.

"Putting that aside, you can take a man out of violence, but you can't take the violence out of him. Do you know who said that?" Sarge asked.

"Your father?"

"No, you idiot. The 16th president of the United States. Abraham Lincoln." He declared.

"We both know he didn't say that." Well I think. I never was good with American History.

"Son don't lecture me on my American history. You come from a land where they print money in times of economic downfall."

"It was tough times" I said sadly.

"Hehe. That's what you don't understand, It's always tough times if you're not from America. Because you're either a communist or dead." He laughed.

"I think we've spoken enough today, Sir." This conversation was going no where, it never did.

As he began to leave, Sarge called out to him.

"Tell the others to meet up outside the Base. I got a few announcements straight from Command."

"Yes sir."

On top of the roof, I found Grif and Simmons deep in conversation.

"You ever wonder why we're here?"

"It's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know, man, but it keeps me up at night."

What a moron.

"...What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?" Was Simmons shocked answer.

Oh. Uh... yeah.

What was all that stuff about God?

Uh...hm? Nothing."

I finally decided to let myself be known. "You should also question why everyone here is so stupid. Grif is the laziest man and Sarge is probably the oldest person I've ever seen. Being old is so 300 years ago. And I'm not really that smart. The blues have to be stupid too, they do the same patrol everyday out in the open."

"Hey I'm not lazy! I'm just... Yeah never mind"

"Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out." Simmons asked.

"Well would you want to be fighting actual trained soldiers? We'd die on the first day." I argued. "This is probably the best place for us."

"Yeah I guess that makes sense. Why are you here anyway? Sarge already piss you off?" Grif asked.

"Hey now, Sarge never pisses me off. Only mildly annoys me. He told me to get you guys, he has an announcement to make. Probably something crazy again like that one time he gave us the announcement that they'd put bombs in our helmets."

It was true. Sarge never made me angry. No one really did. Probably because I didn't care about anything they said. They spoke so much that everything said came out of one ear and out of the other. These guys never had anything of worth to say, so why listen?

"That was one of the cooler ones. It was something straight out of scanners!"

"So lets go and-"

Before he could finish Sarge showed up below them and called them himself.

"Ladies, front and centre on the double!" He shouted.

"God I hate it when he calls us ladies."

"Fuck"

"Yes sir."

Authors note:

Whenever I read a RVB OC fic, the MC is always a super competent freelancer demigod with crazy looking amour. So I said to myself, I want to write one with an MC just as incompetent as everyone else in the show.

And to those who don't know what scanners is, just search up "scanners head blowing up" scene.