Chapter 8

"So, Henry has his first date?" Ruby asks.

Emma and Killian are walking the few blocks to Dr. Hopper's office for their second session with him. Ruby called up daily now to check in with her friend and to ensure she's okay.

"Yes, he does," Emma says.

"Is it that girl he always talks about, Violet?"

"Y-Yes, how do you know that?" Emma asks.

"I took shifts watching your son while you were gone Em. He and I talked."

"Really?" she frowns, suspecting that Ruby wasn't being truthful. Her superpower was working once again.

"Yeah, people still do that,"

"Ruby…"

"Okay fine I'd overhear his conversations sometimes… by accident," the waitress emphasizes. "He talked to this girl a lot while you were gone. It seemed like she was his only friend."

Emma's stomach twists when her friend says that. She knew that Henry had always had trouble fitting in with his peers, but the thought of her son with only one friend made her concerned. It was bad enough being a teenager, but one without friends is even worse.

"She was his confidante, but I always suspected that he'd eventually ask her out."

"That's great," Emma says as Killian holds the door for her. They enter Dr. Hopper's office. "I gotta go, Rubes, we might come by Granny's later."

"Coolio, good luck," before she hangs up.

The couple checks into the office and then wait for their session. Killian puts his hand on Emma's. She twitches slightly from the sudden contact but accepts it.

"Nervous Love?" he asks.

"Little bit," Emma mutters. "I really need to find a way to control my anxiety. I had a Titanic-sized freak out the other night in front of Henry."

Killian looks at her with concern and gently squeezes her hand. He refrains himself from kissing her as it might set her off again.

"Dr. Hopper will see you now," the secretary says.

The couple continues to hold hands as they go down the hall to Archie's office.

"Good Afternoon Miss Swan and Mr. Jones," the therapist says, smiling at the two. He shows his teeth and reveals a small gap between two of them.

"Hello again Dr. Hopper," Emma says.

"And how are we feeling today?"

The two look at each other.

"A-Alright I guess," she answers.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that now how would you like to start today's session. Is there anything very important that you need to tell me?"

Emma swallows and rubs her hand over her stomach, shifting into a more comfortable position. "Well… I've had a few panic attacks this week, one in front of my son."

"I see," the doctor says, beginning to take notes. "Can you describe to me what happened?"

Emma goes on to explain her having a complete breakdown while cooking dinner. She tells him how her entire body felt weak and her mind filled with terrible "what if" scenarios. She talks about the look on Henry's face and her assumptions on how he must've felt having to comfort his grown mother who was bawling like a child in front of him. Her hand shakes in Killian's grasp and he rubs her palm with his thumb as a way of trying to soothe her. Dr. Hopper listens with concern and makes a few notes on paper as his patient talks.

Once she's done, he speaks.

"That certainly would be hard to endure… now I want to take you back to that moment where you felt the attack coming to you. What do you think caused you to think like this and begin to panic?"

"I…I don't really know…"

"Take your time, I know it's hard to talk about, but what do you think triggered this episode?"

Emma shuts her eyes for a few moments and ponders what was setting her off.

"I…I think it might've been when Henry brought up the idea that Killian was living with us now."

It's the docks man's turn to shift uncomfortably in his seat.

"And why was that hard?"

She bites her lip to stop it from quivering, tears lurking in her eyes again. She doesn't really want to say. The whole idea of what's going to happen next was overwhelming to her. So much was happening at once that she just wanted to shrink inside a shell and hide there, wanting to feel safe from the big decisions outside.

The silence lengthens more and more and Archie decides to take the next step.

"Is this something you want to discuss privately Emma?"

Her lip quivers again. She feels bad. She loved Killian, a lot and she didn't want to hurt his feelings by talking about how insecure she felt and how she wasn't sure if she wanted to move in with him. She looks into his bright blue eyes. They were filled with concern. She didn't want to see those eyes filled with hurt.

"Is it okay?" she asks her boyfriend.

He simply nods. He feels a little hurt by it, but if it will help his swan in someway, he'll do it. He lets go of her hand and stands up to leave.

"There's a chair out in the hall you can wait in," Archie offers.

"Thank you," Killian nods.

Once the door closes, the doctor turns back to his patient. "All right Emma, why was the idea of living together so hard?"

"It's just happening so quickly," she explains. Her stomach turns, she feels as if she's betraying Killian in some way. She swallows a large lump of guilt in her throat.

"I see. It can be seen as very fast. How long had you and Killian known each other before… what happened?"

"Almost three months."

"I see."

"We were just getting to know each other. Starting off slow. We both came from hard relationships before this."

"Do you want to elaborate on that?"

Emma shakes her head. "Not really… not yet"

"Alright, so you were getting to know each other and…"

"We did end up being intimate, which ended up in conception," she indicates her baby bump.

Archie just nods, knowing this is sensitive territory for any couple.

"And now that I'm back… I just can't be alone any longer. He stays with me in my room at night. He's there for me when I have nightmares."

"He comforts you?"

"Yes."

"And did this feel unusual for you…"

Emma hesitates at the question. If she was honest with herself, it felt natural. When she allowed Killian to put his arm around her in bed if felt like she was meant to fit in his strong grasp. They felt like a "normal" couple. It was often the way Neal used to sleep with her when they shared a bed, he'd cuddle with her like that until they were both asleep. That also felt natural but then Neal ran off, breaking her heart.

"N-Not really."

"But you find comfort in him correct?"

"Yes. I can't be alone, not in the dark, not like that…"

"Like what?" he prompts.

Tears fill her eyes. Like all those nights where she was handcuffed to the bed or in the tight grasp of her abuser. She was genuinely afraid that Arthur was lurking around in the dark, waiting to prey on her. She remembers how alone she felt on those nights, feeling no hope and just coldness.

"Take your time…" Archie says.

Emma cries for a little while, the horrific flashbacks of nights in the basement and cabin fill her memories. She shakes uncontrollably. Archie offers her tissues and merely waits, having a lot of patience for victims of rape. He tries a few times to prompt her to talk, but she sobs. He's alright with that.

Meanwhile, outside, Killian is waiting, his face in his hands. He can vaguely hear the sounds of his girlfriend sobbing. His heart feels like it's being torn in two. He wants to be in there, comforting her, telling her it's going to be okay, but he can't. He thinks back t the times he offered reassurance to Emma and she almost violently rebuffs him. He feels so destroyed by this. He loved Emma, that much he was sure about and to not be able to hold her frail body as it shook, stroke her soft blonde hair, and kiss her… it hurt. He knows in the back of his mind, she can't help it, but it was still painful to be rejected like that. It was like she was afraid of him… he knew that wasn't possible, but he still thought it might be true.

Eventually, Emma manages to give few details about why she hates the dark now. She's vague in certain places and she talks a little bit about her nightmares. Dr. Hopper simply keeps a straight face, making a few notes, but being the ear to listen to her stories. He knows this is merely the surface of how deep her trauma likely went. She'd suffered psychological damage as well as physical abuse of her body. The toll abduction and rape takes on an individual cannot be described, but he always lets his clients do the talking, putting it into their own words.

His patient, is very uncomfortable, going on about her fears and some of her current nightmares. It felt slightly embarrassing to be talking about this like she's a child telling a parent about a scary dream. She cannot stop crying and she can't control her mind. Flashes of nights in the cold cabin keep coming. At some points, she feels like she's back in the terrible place again. At the same time, she feels a little relief, getting something off her chest. She'd had not told anyone about anything. It felt distressing and mortifying talking about something that likely was never going to happen. She didn't want to unload her problems on other people and it's likely they wouldn't understand. She wasn't even sure if Dr. Hopper could. He'd probably never been kidnapped, he wouldn't know how scared she was and the type of abuse she endured, but still… sharing it was a small comfort… it gave her some relief… some.

By the end of the half hour, she is a bit calmer, enough to compose herself. She's offered a glass of water and then Killian is sent in for his time alone.

"Alright, thank you for waiting, Killian, now what's on your mind?"

"What can I do to help Emma?"

"You mean during the panic attacks?"

"All the time," he says, getting slightly emotional. "How…how can I comfort her when she won't let me t-touch her…"

"Ah…" the doctor says, adjusting his glasses accordingly. "Would you care to expand on that?"

"Just to see her like that… and knowing there's nothing I can do. She shoves me away when I try to be there for her and…" he lowers his voice. "We haven't kissed much since we were reunited."

"Intimacy is one of the many things taken after one partner has endured rape. The victim is reminded too much of how someone was forcibly violent with them, often violating every part of them… It creates a terrible memory and psychological association with it."

Killian looks at him confused.

"It's like conditioning…" Archie goes on to explain an experiment where a child was subjected to loud noises while playing with certain objects and associated that terrifying experience with other objects by the end.

"So… so what can I do?"

"Not a lot," the doctor grimaces, knowing he must tell the boyfriend some very unfortunate news. "Time is the most important thing, but… I'm sorry to have to tell you this but it might be years before Emma will accept being intimate with you again."

"YEARS!" Killian shouts, Tears flood his eyes and his heart feels like it's being stomped on. He can't imagine his life without Emma, let alone not being able to touch her, hold her, kiss her… He has an urge to put his fist through the nearest wall. "BLOODY HELL!"

Archie grimaces and simply lets the patient cry it out and get his rage out. Much like Emma, he had endless patience. He knew that the road to acceptance often started out with denial and anger, among other things. Once the docks man is slightly calmer, he continues.

"It's a very unfortunate truth. Emma's trauma of being raped and abused like that has caused a deep wound and it will take time for it to become a scar… and scars never fully go away."

Killian puts his head in his hands and just lets his frustrations out. Emma may never be the same again. She may not want to hold him, kiss him, or make love to him ever again. The thought smashes his heart into a million pieces. His entire body felt like it was being stabbed over and over again, each time the pain getting worse and worse. He couldn't control himself, his hands shook with rage. He ended up lashing out, sending his fist out and knocking one of Dr. Hopper's works of art to the floor.

The docks man immediately regrets his actions and goes to pick it up. Luckily, it was made of metal and didn't break, but it was dented.

"I'm so sorry Dr. Hopper."

"It's quite alright Killian, you're not the first person who's broken something in my office, nor will you be the last. It's why I stopped having pottery or plants in my office. One couple was having problems and she ended up throwing a vase at her partner. A vase my mother had given me."

"Bloody hell," Killian gasps.

"She said she was sorry, but couldn't replace it. That's why I have metal or plastic decorations. Much less likely to cause damage."

"Good plan."

The two men sit in silence for a few moments before the doctor speaks.

"Getting back to where we were, I know time is not something you want Mr. Jones, but there are a few things you can do to help her recover faster."

"What is it?!" his patient says, his heart racing with hope and excitement.

"You should both take time each day to make contact. You should always let her initiate it because if not, it could get quite bad. And, helping Emma doesn't necessarily mean you have to physically touch her all the time. I know that's go-to for many people, but sometimes just listening to her is a comfort, writing love notes to her, talking and having quiet moments are all ways you can help. Your presence in the apartment alone seems to be helping a lot. They'll make her feel more relaxed and associate quiet with good things. If you do make physical contact, you can try to reverse her conditioning, tell her you to care about her, talk about happy things. She'll associate that contact with positive things and this will slowly change her mindset. Keep in mind, it will take time, but I have confidence that both of you can work through it."

Killian processes everything the doctor says. He'd never thought that there was any other way to comfort someone and make them feel safe unless he was near them, holding them. He still feels very hurt knowing that he and Emma cannot go back to the way things were before. He still denies that she'll need lots of time or she'll never be back to normal, but these ways the doctor is suggesting could ease her discomfort and his own.

He manages to smile at the doctor. Archie then calls Emma back in. The couple sits on chairs side by side, not touching, which was killing the boyfriend at the moment. At the end of the session, Archie gently suggests that Killian and Emma take time in the day to simply talk and if she was comfortable with it, let Killian hug her or hold her hand. He writes out a list of things they can try and then sends the two on their way after setting up the next appointment.

The couple walks out of the office and down the stairs, walking side by side. Killian swallows a lump in his throat along with his frustration but tries to remain composed for his beloved Swan. He holds the door for her again and offers to drive.

They end up at Granny's for a little while. They sit in a booth in silence, Emma sipping a strawberry milkshake and him drinking a root beer. Neither knows what to say or where to start. It was all so overwhelming to both of them and so hard.

Killian lays his hands out on the table. Emma stares at them for a long while… debating whether she was comfortable with touching him.

In the end, her hand slowly goes out and she takes his left palm under hers. The two interlock fingers, not saying anything, just staring, trying to take that first step.

I'm back everyone! I've made up for the time I've been gone by writing a nice long chapter. Hope you enjoy it.