(Disclaimer: Negative aspects of a story will be exaggerated for comedic purposes. Just because a story is constantly ridiculed does not mean that it is bad. Any Fanfiction that is good will be praised by the end.)
Warning: The following review is rated T for occasional coarse language.
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 02: Kirby High School by Wario the TableMan
TinyURL: y25xhdcx
"Hello, my friends!" Magolor began, putting on the happiest face that he could make. "I am Magolor, and welcome to Magolor's Coffeehouse! Boy, are you guys in for a treat today!"
"Stop!" someone yelled from somewhere in the café. The camera zoomed out to reveal a boy, dressed in a strange outfit, sitting to the right of Magolor. His body was entirely purple, and he wore a jester's hat, one side was blue, and the other side was red. He also had a red bow tie, which complimented his goofy look. "Just, stop, please," he continued. "It was fine at the beginning, but now you're acting as sappy as a forest in Vermont."
"Well, what do you want me to say, Marx?" Magolor piped up.
"I want you to say what you actually feel."
"Alright," Magolor declared, turning back to the camera. "Well everyone, get ready to watch me suffer."
Kirby High School
By: Wario The TableManDedede becomes a teen again and has to go back to school or else lose his throne. In the meantime, he meets new friends and foes and ultimately ends up face-to-face with one of the deadliest mysteries to ever shake Dreamland!
"For anyone who hasn't read any of Wario's stories yet, allow me to tell you a little bit about his work. He mostly writes troll fics, and is the writer of such wonderful works as Meta Knight is Bad at Making Doughnuts and Marx and Magolor Get Mo Bamba. So you can see how this story is probably going to be awful."
"I think you mean that this story will be awful," replied Marx.
"You probably mean that, but I have a little bit of hope for this fic. I mean, it has more than one chapter, which means that he is at least putting some effort into making a good story."
"I'm not holding my breath," Marx remarked, rolling his eyes.
"So let's get right down to business. With the help of my buddy, Marx, I will give you all my semi-subjective review of Kirby High School!
"Oh no!" she cried as she fumbled her belongings into the backpack and rushed down the stairs. "I'm going to be late for school again!" Her name was Fumu Ebrum, but her friends just can called her "Tiff". Her alarm had gone off at the wrong time for the third time that month. When this happened, she could only blame her lousy stupid brother Bun and his pranking life.
When she finally grabbed all of her stuff and got outside to the bus stop outside there, she was panting and her good-for-nothing brother was laughing at her like a blind hyena with too much hair.
"Okay, problem number one:" Magolor began, "your portrayal of Tuff makes him look like an insensitive jerk. Sure, I agree that he was a bit of a troublemaker in the anime, but that same anime showed us that he was a good-hearted boy and a great friend to Kirby. You could at least go a little lighter with this, but it's not my job to tell you how you should write a story, only to criticize what was already written."
At the bus stop were all the kids going to Kirby High School. Tiff, her brother, Dedede, Lololo, and Lalala. The high school used to be owned by the wretched King Dedede, but Kirby had swallowed a teaching stick that had transformed him into a smart intellectual. Kirby was now the principal of the school.
In the process, Dedede had accidentally turned himself into a teenager again and was now supposed to go to Kirby High School by law.
Magolor looked like he was about to go into full-on rant mode, but he suddenly took a few deep breaths and sat up straight in his chair. "Be sure to look for Principal Kirby and all of his other new abilities in the new game, Kirby's Basics in Education and Learning, available only on the Nintendo Switch," he joked, speaking in a Nintendo Direct dub voice.
Marx just sat there staring at his friend. "What?" Magolor asked, noticing Marx's confused expression. "You thought I was going to complain about the lack of explanation for Dedede's transformation?"
Marx nodded.
"Yeah, so did I, but then I decided that it wasn't worth it," Magolor explained.
"Not worth it?" Marx hooted. "Not worth it?! It's the entire premise of the story and it's barely explained, and all you can say about this sin is that it's 'not worth it?!' I'll tell you what's 'not worth it:' SITTING HERE AND READING THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE!"
"I understand your anger, Marx, but I've learned to expect this sort of thing in Fanfiction. What I'm really interested in, though, is the plot of the story and how the author represents the franchise's characters.
"Anyway," Magolor continued, "Dedede's first class is history, and things go just how you'd imagine…"
Dedede failed to pay attention and fell asleep in class. He was awakened at the end of class with a measuring stick slapped him on the top of his head like that!
"Like what?"
"Dedede, you must stay awake in order to pass this class," said Tiff with an annoyed tone, eyes was angry.
"I think he should slack off, because that's just how he was when he was a king anyway," said Tuff with a laugh at the end of the sentence."I hate you! You're always picking on me! You have no idea how hard being high schooling is!" yelled Dedede angrily as tears fell in huge circles from his eyes.
"Okay, first off," Magolor started, with all the composure of a professional critic, "Wario, find a beta reader. Second, yes, Dedede, they do know how hard 'being high schooling' is! Do you not see them in the same class as you? Well, maybe not, since he's still the same inconsiderate buffoon he was in the anime. Or maybe this is the game universe, seeing as how Prince Fluff and I are a part of the story now!"
"Don't believe me? Read for yourself:"
"Where do you think Dedede is?" said Prince Fluff.
"I bet he's making a mondo surprise for the next class!" said Magolor. "Pranking is what Dedede is best at. He's even better than that stupid Ebrum kid!"
"Pick one or the other, Wario! You can't have both!"
"Anyway, um," Magolor stammered, skimming through the story to find out what should be addressed next, "gym class… Rick the Australian hamster is the gym teacher.. Ah! Here we go! Knuckle Joe volunteers to look for Dedede…"
Knuckle Joe checked all the classrooms and found out from the janitor that Dedede was still in the bathroom crying while listening to "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry.
Magolor and Marx performed a simultaneous facepalm… or at least they would have if Marx had hands.
"I'm so ashamed! Everyone just bullies me here at Kirby High School!" cried Dedede into the toilet paper walls.
"I know you are a woos, but you need to stop acting so concerned. High School is supposed to be the greatest endeavour of our lives and your wasting your chance! Don't you feel lucky to have the opportunity to do it a second time?"Dedede wiped his tears like his eyes were a window. "I never told anyone this, but I have a secret. I never even told Escargoon!"Knuckles Joe opened up his ears wider.
Magolor and Marx simultaneously leaned forward, eager to hear the secret.
"I never went to high school before," revealed Dedede.
Magolor and Marx sat there and didn't say a word until Magolor said, "That's not really a secret. I mean, we all figured that he never did, mostly because school doesn't exist in the Kirby universe."
"So after Knuckle Joe helps out Dedede and gets him to join a club— it's not that important, so don't worry about it— Dedede goes home and we catch a glimpse of his life at home with Escargoon.
"well, sire, did you learn how to be an adult today?" Escargoon teased. "Because I'm guessing not since you're still pretty short and stupid!" Escargoon laughed and Dedede began to cry.
"Now, I understand that we're supposed to feel sorry for Dedede here," Marx said, "but I have to give some respect to Escargoon here. If I were working for that dumb penguin, I would beat him up way sooner than he would."
"Moving on, then," Magolor took over, "After Escargoon leaves the room, we meet a very familiar character…"
Dedede saw him and gasped and fell on the Floor. "Who are you and why have you invaded my castle?" he said.
"It won't be your castle for long, Dedede!" said the figure."You know about the charter?" said Deddde stunned."Yes, my name is Marx. I'm just your average every day dogooder and I want to help you get your life back, okay?"
"Oh yes," Marx beamed in a fake good boy voice. "I'm just your typical all-American boy next-door who totally didn't try to take over the world and everyone in it. Let me help you out of your unfortunate predicament!"
"Anyways," he continued, "Dedede agrees to my offer— because who wouldn't?— and we cut ahead to lunchtime the next day."
"I'm feeling good today, guys!" said Dedede happily. "Last night, an older kid told me he'd watch over me and make sure I'll be able to get back to my old life again!"
Knuckle Joe smiled and thought about the therapy from yesterday and how it must have saved Dedede's life. He was probably going to get some major props for his duty to the young King. Mayne a castle?Magolor laughed at the claim though. "Deeds, everyone knows that whenever an older kid says those kinds of things, it means they're just trying to catch you off guard and make fun of you later! It happens on television programs all the time!"
"But that's just stuff on television," Marx sarcastically commented. "This is a star-shaped planet populated by things like egg wizards and bald penguins. You know, real life!"
Dedede make a scowl at his friend. "This guy met me personally and I could tell in his eyes that he was honest!"
"Well, I am pretty good at pretending…" Marx smugly replied.
"So anyways," Magolor chimed in, "Dedede's response gets my character mad… for some reason, and we get into a fight."
Just then, Mr. Rick barged through the doors and saw the took boys brawling. He grabbed them and bringed them to the principal's office.
"You idiots shouldn't fight like that!" roared Mr. Rick. "You're lucky I didn't join in and give you the what's for!"
"Honestly," Magolor began, Rick should've said it like this:"
Rick: Crikey! Rack off, ya hoons! Tinny of yous I didn't decide to give ya a gobful!
"So we go to the principal's office to find out that… Kirby's Stephen Hawking?"
Principal Kirby spun around in his chair and faced Dedede and Magolor. He adjusted his glasses and sighed. He typed words into his computer using his keyboard and the special program spoke for him. I see you are fighting again like a bunch of ruffians… I'm gonna have to give you more detention like last week, said Kirby's program.
"Anyway, just to speed this review up, the two 'ruffians' start fighting again, Rick knocks the two of them out like a badass, and Dedede wakes up at home to learn that he's been expelled."
Escargoon was their waiting for him to wake up, finally being nice for once. "Oh sire… You were tossed on the curb due to fighting in the principal's office. You and Magolor got expelled from Kirby High School!"
Dedede was about to cry, but then he saw Marx emerge behind Escargoon. "But don't worry Dedede, I got you back in," said the jester-like guy.
"You did?" Magolor inquired, turning to his friend, who was sporting a mischievous grin.
"You did?" said Dedede happily.
"Yes, I told the principal that Magolor started it and also was involved in crime. He was trying to trick you into being a criminal like him and you were just protecting yourself from tainted morals!" told Marx about his lie.
"'Tainted morals?'" Marx repeated. "That's a new one. I'll have to use that one sometime."
"Well, it looks like Dedede gets to stay in school. Hurray, I guess. But what exactly is the impact of me being expelled?"
Tiff was sitting on the bus and crying. She was dating Magolor and he had been expelled from Kirby High School twice. It was bad for two reasons: 1 because she loved Magolor, and 2 because the prom was coming up!
Magolor just sat in his chair, staring at the words that laid before him. "I can't do this," he muttered, rising from his chair and moving straight towards the exit.
"Mags, where are you going?" Marx inquired.
"Look, I just— I gotta leave, okay?" Magolor replied, halfway out the door.
"But we're over halfway done. We can— "
"Listen, listen, there's a lot to see in this life. I'm not wasting it here." With that, he turned and left the café.
To be continued...