Originally Published: April 24, 2019
Last Update: September 25, 2019
(Disclaimer: Negative aspects of a story will be exaggerated for comedic purposes. Just because a story is constantly ridiculed does not mean that it is bad. Any Fanfiction that is good will be praised by the end.)
Warning: The following review is rated T for talks about death. But don't worry about it. Death is just a punchline, anyways.
A short walk from Cappy Town in Dream Land lay the Lor Starcutter, a spacefaring ship currently under the possession of our dear friend Magolor. He had locked the entrance a few seconds ago, leaving his buddy Marx outside, forcefully pounding at the door with his head.
"Come on, man!" Marx cried out. "You need to get back to the review!"
"Oh, yeah?" the wizard croaked. "And why should I?"
"Well, haven't you heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy? It states that if you've invested in something, you're gonna see it through to the end."
"Well then I must not have invested in anything, have I?"
"You're being ridiculous," Marx replied, trying to reason with Magolor. "The story isn't that bad."
"Oh, come on. You only like it because you're in it."
"That couldn't be any more true," the jester admitted.
"So why are you trying to convince me to continue reading such rubbish?"
"Well, you wanted to make the world a better place, right?" Marx said gently.
"Right?" Magolor hesitated.
"Then here's your chance! Show us how to make awful writing like this better!"
After a second or so of silence, the sound of unlocking can be heard, followed by the main entrance of the Lor opening up. Magolor slowly shambled down onto the grassy floor, a determined look in his eyes.
"Let's do this."
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 02: Kirby High School by Wario the Tableman
TinyURL: y25xhdcx
Back at the cafe, the two friends sat at their table, ready to continue destroying the story that lay before them.
"So Tiff's brother asks Dedede to help cheer her up because…" Magolor stopped, remembering how the fact that Tiff was dating him made him storm out earlier, "well, you know why."
Tiff was sitting on the bus and crying. She was dating Magolor and he had been expelled from Kirby High School twice. It was bad for two reasons: 1 because she loved Magolor, and 2 because the prom was coming up!
Tuff was sad for his sister. "Hey, Deedde, we need to cheer my sister up," said Tuff to Dedede."I don't want to! Magolor was a bad influence on her!" whined Dedede in a serious way.
Magolor leaned back, with a puzzled expression, staying silent until finally uttering "How?"
"We never see how much of a bad influence my character is, and Tiff seems like the smartest character in this story so far, so how could I be a bad influence on her? If I was as bad as you say I was, then she would've broken up with me, wouldn't you agree?"
Meanwhile, Knuckle Joe and Fluff were hanging out in the alleyway, ditching school like cads, but they was a good reason thoug.
"Boy," Marx lit up, smirking, "I'd like to hear this."
They found Magolor sitting in a dumpster singing into his harmonica. "Well, he is a great blues player…" said Knuckle Joe.
Magolor and Marx performed another double facepalm, which was again ruined by Marx's lack of hands.
Magolor was mad and threw his harmonica at the wall and it shattered into many, many pieces. "I was expelled twice which means my parents have to sell the Lor Starcutter! I got expelled from school and then my home! Dededork is gonna pay!"
"Whoa, hold up!" Marx said in bewilderment, turning to Magolor. "Your parents own the Lor? Does that mean Landia is your mom or something?"
"Of course not!" Magolor shot back. "Don't you dare get those sick thoughts in your head!"
Fluff and Knuckle Joe deeply felt all of magolor's hatred. "We know, but we heard that happened because you do serious crimes in the city!" they said at the same time like the delightful children from down the lane.
"I don't do stinking crimes!" said Magolor astounded by the news. "I can't believe the idiots at Kirby High School are spreading that kind of crud!""What should we do then?" asked Fluff."I'll tell you what we will do!" said magolor with sinister eyes. "Us three are gonna to do a true real crime and it starts with expelling Dedede for good!"
"Alright, I'll bite," Marx said blankly. "What sort of crime are you going to commit?"
"Sorry, Marx," Magolor started with mock enthusiasm, "but that's gonna have to wait! We need to introduce a new character first!"
Dedede was running down the hall with a huge batch of papers for the Surprise Club. When he turned the corner, he smashed into another student. He apologized and they gathered all the papers back together. "I know you from the Lunchroom, but I don't think we have any official classes together?" asked Dedede to her.
"I'm Adeleine. I remember you from one of the parent-teacher conferences. Your dad sure is weird-looker compared to you. Do you take after your mother?" she asked him.Dedede then realised the thoughts she had. "Oh, that guy wasn't my dad. That was Escargoon and I technically own him more than he owns me. You see, I'm the king of Dream Land actually, but I accidentally got turned back into a kid again!""That's crazy! What are you doing here?" asked Adeleine."It's stupid because I have to go to school since I'm a teenager again. I'm actually part of the Surprise Club and I was on my way there with all these papers.""What's happening?""It's a secret, but it has to do with my friend's sister. She got dumped and we're trying to cheer her up.""That's nice of you. You're way nicer than my club members in the Art Club.""Oh, I saw those snobs a few days ago.""They certainly is snobs, they locked me out of the room the other day and stole my art supplies. I really hate it there."Dedede then got an idea. "Why don't you join our club, Adeleine? We do art stuff regularly and sometimes eat yogurt. So come here for better atmosphere," invited Dedede.So Adeleine listed and came to the Surprise Club and they all working on saving Tiff's lovelife. Tuff was really proud that they were doing the right thing.
"Okay," Magolor smiled, "now we can answer your question."
Meanwhile, Magolor and his gang had arrived on the roof of the school with some fireworks. "If we make these go off, then the police will arrest the principal for lethargy. He will not have paid enough attention to the dangers of lose fireworks!" said Magolor evilly.
"Interesting idea," Marx began, "but how exactly is Dedede gonna be affected by this?"
"How does this even target Dedede?" asked Fluff curiously.
"That's what I'm asking!" Marx blurted.
Magolor made an angry face and told them both to shut up. He then lit the fireworks and they went off. The Dream Land police already saw the danger and pulled up to the office area. The officer ran in and yelled at Principal Kirby. Magolor gave him high fives to his friends.
Kirby then walked out of the door and into the parking lot. He was no longer Principal Kirby, but now Police Kirby. Magolor and the others gasped because Kirby had eaten the police officer whole!'
"Oh, don't act so surprised," Magolor scoffed, doing a hand wave. "It was bound to happen at some point. Kirby can't be principal forever. After all, the position was a formality, anyways."
"So now that Kirby is out of the picture, Dedede goes to Meta Knight, of all people, to help him out."
Meta Knight entered the room and listened to the youngsters problem. He gasped when he suddenly noticed Dedede's teenager form. "This is serious!" he cried. "With Kirby gone, Dedede can't be the king again. Even though I can't stand him, no offence, I'd much rather he be leading us than that dumb snail!"
Dedede laughed because Meta Knight was right about how stupid Escargoon was"But alas, I can't be a part of the school, never mind the whole principal!" cried Meta Knight again.
"He says that he's going on a business trip with his fellow Star Warriors," Magolor explains, "again adding no continuity to how this universe works, but he says that he may know someone who can be the new principal."
Then Meta Knight had an idea. "I can grant you one opportunity to save Kirby High School!" He dialed up someone on his iphone.
"Hello?" said the other end. "This is Susanna Haltmann, can I help you?"Meta Knight sighed. "Hey… it's me. Do you think you can do one more favour for me, Susie?"
"While I do think the inclusion of Susie is interesting and opens a whole slew of possibilities for this story," Magolor began, "I have to ask: what favors did Susie do for Meta Knight?"
"That's classified information," replied an unknown feminine voice. The duo turned to see Susie herself standing at the entrance of the café.
"Okay, I gotta remember to close that door when I come in," Magolor muttered, sinking into his chair.
"Hi, Susie!" Marx called out to her, putting on a cheery face. "What are you doing here?"
"Well, I saw Magolor storming off to his ship not too long ago," she answered, "and I wanted to make sure he was okay."
"Don't worry, Susie," Magolor responded. "I'm fine." He sat in his chair, deep in thought about something. After a few moments, his face lit up with an idea. "Hey, Susie! Do you want to help us out and review this story with us?"
"Sure, I suppose so," she shrugged, walking over to the table that the boys were sitting at and sat down beside them.
"So Susie becomes principal," Magolor continued, "only to be completely forgotten about shortly after."
Susie Became the new principal to lead Kirby High School. They didn't change the name because it was too authentic. Instead she was just the principal until the other teachers could find out what happened to Kirby.
"You know, I totally forgot why I'm supposed to like anything, anywhere," Magolor quickly remarked.
Dedede read messages on his cell phone and was mad at the one Knuckle Joe sent him. "Knuckle Joe and the rest of the troublemakers want to socialise with me tomorrow, but I'm afraid I'll get in trouble too."
"You probably will, ditch them!" said Tuff. Tuff was kind of uncaring about the real issues in the world.
"He's probably the smartest guy in the room," Susie scoffed.
"Okay, so…" Magolor began, panning through the pages of the story. "Prom stuff— boring— skip that— aha! Here we go! A murder mystery! That's gotta be exciting."
"He was found dead at the scene of the crime," said the police officer. He looked down at the body and wept alongside the onlookers.
Dedede rushed into the group of people crowded around the body. "What happened?" he cried.Knuckle Joe turned to deded and gave him a tearful hug. "Prince Fluff is dead!" cried knuckle Joe.
Magolor blinked and said, "Well, gee, that came out of nowhere."
Dedede gasped and looked down at the body and saw that Prince Fluff was indeed dead. He had blood leaking out of his body and his eyes were closed.
"He's bleeding?" Magolor asked in confusion and shock. "How could he bleed— he's made of yarn, gosh darn it! He's not even supposed to have blood. Why do you have to be so blind to the obvious, Wario?!"
Knuckle Joe took back his tears and tried to explain. "I think there's fishing stuff going around Kirby High School, Dedede. I think the murderer is among us!"
"Okay, you caught me," Magolor replied calmly, reaching under the table and revealing a fishing pole and a tackle box. "Here's the fishing stuff."
Dedede gasped again. "I need to preserve the evidence in case they come back like lions!" He went to the police and told them his idea. They agreed with Dedede and gave him Prince Fluff's body for safekeeping. When Dedede got home with Knuckle Joe, they stored Fluff in the freezer at home.
"Finally!" Magolor jumped in excitement. "An excuse for me to make a SpongeBob reference!"
Mr. Krabs: Now listen, SpongeBob, when we get to the Krusty Krab I want you to take that [winks, says angrily]shovel and bring it around to the back entrance and stuff...er... I mean, stow it in the freezer. Un-der-stand?
SpongeBob: I understand, Mr. Krabs, but what do you want me to do with the bo... [is about to say "body"]
Mr. Krabs: [grabs SpongeBob's lips] ...ttles of soda! Bottles of soda, Same thing, put 'em in the freezer.
"So anyway," Susie took over, "Dedede and Joe decide to ask Magolor to help them figure out who killed Fluff."
"Who do you think killed Fluff?" asked Dedede.
"I don't know, but my best guess is that dorky painter you like so much," said Magolor with a grouchy expression."How dare you!" dedede could not believe what he was hearing from Magolor. "You can't just pick on Adeleine like that. She's a very nice person!""And the perfect suspect. She's trying to trick you into spending more time with her. That's why she killed Fluff. She wanted to make sure you're not hanging out with your old friends."
"Okay, Wario," Magolor said, trying his best to hold back his anger, "since I am an official character in the Kirby franchise, I can tell you with the utmost confidence that Adeleine, an outgoing, upbeat personality who would never willingly hurt someone, would never go as far as committing cold-blooded murder. That is about as far away from her character as you can get. Surely, you couldn't be so blind and brainless as to actually have her be the culprit of Fluff's death, right? Right?"
Then Magolor gasped and pointed at the light in the courtyard. All of a sudden, Adeleine stepped into view and Dedede could not believe his eyes now.
Magolor looked as if he had seen a ghost, but he kept his cool as best as he could. "Uh huh, yeah, I— I love it," he stammered. "It's amazing— absolutely astounding! I— it's great, I love everything about it."
His breathing became uneven, and his eye started twitching, but he still acted as if nothing was wrong. "It's wonderful, I love it so much. It's great, it's beautiful, it really touches my heart and— "
Suddenly, he used his magic summoned Deadly Needles, which shot up from the ground and broke the table. Marx and Susie jumped backwards out of shock and fear.
"What is the matter with you?!" Magolor shouted. "You had one job, Wario! One job! Why couldn't you look up Adeleine on the Kirby Wiki or play the games, like a normal person would? What is your major malfunction, you unfaithful swine?!"
"Hey, buddy," Marx chimed in, "I think you need some help."
"It's this author who needs help!" Magolor screamed, louder this time. "Only a heartless monster would be this inconsiderate and unfaithful! And he must pay for his crimes! He must pay! I'm going to find this guy, and when I do, I'm going to break his thumbs! You hear me, Wario?! BREAK YOUR THUMBS!" With that, he stormed out of the café, slamming the door behind him.
To be continued… some time in the future
Performed by Magolor, Marx, and Susanna P. Haltmann
Special Thanks
Channel Awesome
Keldeo the Critic by Matthais Unidostres
Kirby H by DokiDokiTsuna
Nostalgia Critic — The Spirit
Nostalgia Critic — Stephen King's IT
JonTron — Bootleg Pokémon Games
JonTron — Workplace Safety
Nostalgia Critic - Foodfight!
Nostalgia Critic - Woody Woodpecker (2017)
SpongeBob SquarePants — Nasty Patty
HAL Laboratory
WiKirby
Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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