(Disclaimer: Negative aspects of a story will be exaggerated for comedic purposes. Just because a story is constantly ridiculed does not mean that it is bad. Any Fanfiction that is good will be praised by the end.)
Warning: The following review is rated T because there's cursing and drugs and stuff.
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 06: Mario is Missing by Sky's Penname
TinyURL: yy4bt8ws
The rain outside pitter-pattered on the windows, creating a soothing effect in the Kirby Café. It was Wednesday, which only meant one thing to me: it was time once again to review a story for the Internet's enjoyment. Unfortunately for me, today's story promises to be a doozy, so I need all of the calm I can get. The rain, the warm lights, and the incense I brought from home created an aura of soothing feelings that was so strong that nothing could break it.
Well… almost nothing…
Marx walked into the café, cheery as ever. "Hey, hey, hey!" he exclaimed. "Are you ready to review this… thing…"
His train of thought was cut short once he saw how Magolor was dressed on this particular day. He spent a few moments analyzing his wardrobe, letting it sink into his mind. Then, without warning, he burst into a giant fit of laughter, howling and guffawing like a rabid hyena. Magolor was unable to say anything, only being able to scowl at his friend and his buffoonery. After nearly a full minute of laughing, Marx was finally able to calm himself down.
"What are you wearing?" Marx said at last.
Indeed, I had changed from my usual garb into a more fashionable design. My robes now looked more like a suit, and I replaced my hood with a wide-brimmed hat which split in half at the top, making it end in two pronounced points. I had a scarf wrapped around my nonexistent neck, and my hands were wrapped in tan-colored gloves. [1]
What can I say? I like this dapper look.
"It's my detective look," Magolor boldly stated.
"You look like Lucky Luciano sent straight from Gangsta's Paradise," Marx remarked, fighting back tears from his laughing fit.
"Hey, you may not like it," the Halcandran said, striking a pose, "but this is the cutting-edge of fashion."
"Yeah, any more cutting-edge, and you'll need a straight razor. Why do look like that, anyway?"
"Because! After Magolor May, I'm feeling Kirby'd out. So I started looking into other franchises, and found what may be the best Mario mystery ever!"
Mario is Missing
By: Sky's Penname
New Donk City. A tough place to live, and an even tougher place to do the right thing. Plumbing, detectiving... you still find yourself cleaning up other people's messes, and if you're not careful you end up in crap. It's all the same in the end. Without my brother around, things have only gotten worse. I need to find him.
"So by the looks of it," Magolor continued, "Luigi finally gets to put on his big boy pants and search for his missing brother. Goombella and Toadette make appearances, too, so that should be fun. Anyway, enough of this intro, let's get down to business!"
"Don't tell me you're gonna be wearing that the whole time," Marx groaned.
"I am," Magolor said dramatically, "and may I remind you that you don't have to be here."
"Great. I'm out."
Magolor yelled out to Marx, but by the time he began to speak, he was already out the door.
Well, fine by me. I don't need him. The best detectives work alone, anyway.
"So we begin this story with Luigi essentially giving his version of a detective's inner monologue."
Neon lights flashed through my window from a mushroom sign speckled with white and red. The red jumped out at me. It bled out into the carpet, it told me dark stories I didn't want to hear.
New Donk City was quiet tonight or as quiet as it could be with the pouring rain, the endless traffic outside, and the noisy Shy Guys next door. For a people with 'Shy' in the name, they seemed awfully loud when to themselves.
But the Shy Guys weren't the problem tonight. There were a lot of problems. A lot of problems everywhere, always! The microwave never worked, for one, no matter how many times I complained to Pete, our Pianta landlord. Why would Piantas even want to live in New Donk? They clearly hate it here! It's always damp, dark, and awful, but at least it's not as bad as that humid sunny island they seem to love so much.
"Three paragraphs in, and I've already fallen in love with this story. Each sentence is eloquently phrased and full of detail, but not full of so much detail that it make you want to completely skip over them. It all blends together in such a beautiful way, and it feels like every word comes together to make the story an amazing experience overall."
"But enough confessing my love for this fic. Let's continue, shall we?"
I stared out into the rainy window and let out a sigh. This whole city was full of problems. This world was a scary place, but none of it seemed to matter anymore. There was only one thing on my mind, one thing repeating over and over.
Mario is missing.
I shouldn't think like that, I know I shouldn't! I'm sure he's just out working a case, getting too deep into it. It wouldn't be the first time! Mario takes his private eye job very seriously. Everybody knows about the famous Detective Mario! Whenever there's a robbery or a mystery or a… er, um, well I hate to write it but, murder, Mario is almost always the first to get the call!
"Well," Magolor said, "looks like we can add 'detective' to Mario's constantly growing resume." He paused for a moment, and then said, "You know what, I don't care. What is this game and where can I buy it?"
The chief of New Donk's police force seems to be quite fond of him, too. The 'Princess' they call her, though she's anything but spoiled royalty. She's overworked and understaffed, bless her, but she's always trying to rid the city of its crimes the best she can.
I'm not a gossipy person by any means, but I think she gets the nickname because she's the old Chief Toadstool's daughter. The old chief was a Toad! They say she's his legitimate daughter, but, well, I have my doubts. I just don't say them out loud.
"Hold up. You're saying that Princess Peach is the chief of police? Is this supposed to be like in Dr. Mario, where she was a nurse, or in NES Open Tournament Golf, where she was Mario's caddy?" He went completely stiff once he realized what he had just said. Feeling upset, he raised his fists and shouted, "Curse you, Gryll! Your five-hour-long gaming sessions have turned me into a nerd!"
That's it. I should just call her! I should call Princess Peach and ask her if she's spoken to my brother! That's all! It won't be too hard, she won't be mad! Sure, we've only spoken maybe once or twice over the years, but she… she likes me, right? She wouldn't hate Mario's brother, right? Even if I am just a worthless plumber who couldn't solve a mystery to save my life.
Oh no. Oh, she must think that, doesn't she? Everyone surely does. We're the Mario Bros. Detective Agency, but everyone must know that I never help. I'm never out there with Mario!
No! No, no, this is bigger than you, Luigi! Come on, you can do it! You can call her!
I reached for the phone and already I noticed my trembling fingers. Why must I be like this?! I lifted the phone off the receiver and I heard that dreaded dial tone buzzing, demanding I do something with it.
Call her! Call her, come on
I put in six digits. Only one more number. Just press this number and you'll be calling the chief of police's emergency personal line! That's all! No big deal. Just press it, Luigi, come on! Mario wouldn't hesitate to call if you were missing!
Magolor rubbed his temples and said, "Look, Luigi, I love you, man. Everyone loves you. We all went nuts when you died in the Belmonts' Super Smash Bros. Ultimate reveal, but seriously, you need to grow a pair. Stop acting like you can't do anything! Remember King Boo? Mario didn't stand a chance against him, but you beat him! Twice! Probably even three times by the end of this year! You're capable of so much! Why can't you just embrace it?
As I continued to berate Luigi and his unrealistic levels of cowardice, I heard the entrance to the café open up. That's when I saw him walk in.
He wore one of those deerstalker hats (the kind Sherlock Holmes wore), and he carried a magnifying glass. Why an unstoppable Star Warrior would need a magnifying glass, I'll never know.
"Poyo!" Kirby exclaimed, his usual, jolly Kirby self, and walked on up to Magolor.
Magolor, seeing the pink puffball looking like this, could only think of one thing:
"Marx told you about my review and my outfit, didn't he?"
"Poyo!" Kirby nodded.
"I see…"
"…"
"So you're here to help me review this story and not to make fun of my getup, right?"
Kirby nodded.
"Okay, then. Let's continue."
Bang bang bang bang!
Someone knocked at our door, the sudden noise causing the phone to slip out of my gloves with a jolt. I suppressed the urge to scream because the Shy Guys next door kept complaining about that, and then Pete would show up knocking and ask what the ruckus was all about and-
Knockknockknockknock!
"W-we're-a closed!" I mumbled, cursing my awkward stutter. This was why I didn't like talking!
"Was Luigi this much of a coward during those Smash tournaments you keep talking about?" Magolor asked Kirby.
"Poyo," Kirby replied.
"Oh… okay. So I can't pin the blame on the author, huh?"
The door went quiet for a moment, as if contemplating if it wanted to keep being knocked on. It then said, 'Yeah actually, I still wanna be knocked on.'
"Oh, great," Magolor chuckled. "This story suddenly turned into Undertale."
*Ahh, what a beautiful knock… !
*Maybe if I don't answer, I'll hear it again.
*Ahh, my patience rewards me.
"Actually, that doesn't surprise me, seeing how this author mostly writes Undertale stories."
"Stop being weird and open up already!"
No! I'm never opening up! Leave me alone!
"Okey dokey," I said. Why do I do this.
Despite my brain's insistence on keeping the door locked, despite wanting to be left alone right now, I found my legs moving towards the source of the horrid yelling. With an extremely unsatisfying click, I unlocked the door. Immediately it swung open, practically throwing me back against Mario's desk.
"Finally!" the woman shouted with a huff. "I expected better service from the famous Mario Brothers!" Her bright blue eyes scanned over our office wildly, as if she were looking for some kind of hidden treasure. "Kind of a dump. You live here?"
Her legs were tanned and fit, probably from years of sports and other strenuous activities. I felt the strangest urge to categorize the height of said legs. I don't know why. Maybe it was the fact she was wearing very short shorts on a rainy day? I felt her piercing gaze land on me and quickly averted my eyes. Her brown hair was short and stylish. Clearly someone with a lot of time and money on her hands.
"Let me guess…" Magolor began. "It's Daisy."
"Poyo," Kirby said to Magolor.
"'How do I know?' What other Mario character can you think of that matches that description?"
Kirby opened his mouth to speak, paused for a second, and then stopped to think.
"My point exactly."
"This city," she sighed, pressing her hand against her forehead. "You guys have fun, but you're all weirdos and freaks. Guess that's why I like it here. Better than back home. Nothin' to do there except play tennis or golf or whatever with all the rich assholes."
Ah! I am not okay with that language!
"Neither am I," Magolor said flatly. "This story is supposed to be K+. I greatly disapprove of this false advertising."
"Poyo," Kirby said, covering his "ears."
The woman appeared to completely forget why she was even here. "You okay with smoking in your office? I mean I assume that's what the Fire Flower here is for."
I shook my head, the universal sign for no!
However, this woman was apparently from another universe.
"Great, cool," she said, taking out a cigarette from her pocket. Before I could protest, (not that I'd have been able to protest) she placed the gross thing between her lips in what I could only imagine was a kissing position. Without so much as a warning, she leaned closer towards me and my heart nearly bursted out of my chest.
My Fire Flower lit the edge of her cigarette. She took a slow drag from it, fire and ashes burning where the once clean stick used to be. Disgusting! I couldn't help but notice the calming effect it had on her though. Her excited demeanor changed as she exhaled a black cloud of smoke into my face, like she was expelling all the Bad inside of her. There was a lot of Bad. I coughed, but she didn't mind.
She leaned back with a quiet sigh, her eyes staring out to the same white and red neon mushroom sign outside the window. "Ah. That's much better."
Magolor couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. "Great, so Daisy smokes now, too? I know I should be upset about this, but I think I've just gone numb."
"So Daisy introduces herself, Luigi explains that he isn't Mario, they get into a bit of a kerfuffle, and then Daisy finally decides to get back on track."
Daisy's face contorted in disgust. "Well, whatever. None of that matters to me." Although, it clearly did matter to her a little. "I need help and I don't care if you're Mario's cousin! You're going to help me"
Oh, believe me, you would not want our cousin helping you.
"That is true. Wario would just be in it for the money… Wait a minute. Wario isn't even their cousin. What are you talking about?"
I tried my best to tell her no. I really did! I shook my head, I said sorry I can't, I teared up a little, and I cowered at her powerful gaze! Usually this gets me out of anything anyone asks me. I've learned that if you look pathetic enough (and boy, do I look pathetic) that most people will stop asking for your help.
Daisy was not most people.
"Quit your crying, will you?" Daisy demanded. And for whatever reason, my body obeyed her commands. I couldn't even force a sniffle. "Now are you going to help me or not?"
No! Absolutely not! Never in a million years! What could I possibly do to help you?!
"Okey dokey," I said with a slow nod. Argh! Why am I constantly in a losing war with myself?!
"Because you're Nintendo's punching bag," Magolor remarked. "You're nothing but a joke to them anymore. Heck, like I mentioned before, they killed you during the Belmonts' reveal for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. No matter how hard you try, Nintendo will constantly ridicule you and use you for comic relief."
I guess Daisy was known as some sort of sports celebrity over in her city? At least, that's what she told me. Everyone knew her! Everyone but, uh, me. I'm not much of a sports fan, I'm more into cartoons. She wasn't just a master at one sport either! Tennis, golf, soccer, you name it! This woman was at the top of every game somehow!
"But it's just so boring, you know?" Daisy sighed, arm dangling ungracefully over the chair. She stared out into the neon signs of the dark city again. "I don't wanna play sports anymore. I wanna go somewhere dark and gritty and gross! I wanna party with Goombas and Koopas! Maybe even some Bandits! I wanna try what those Shy Guys next door are selling!"
Okay, well, I don't know how relevant any of that was, but I wrote it down anyway. Also, what are those awful Shy Guys making!? Nothing illegal, I hope! Oh, Mario is far too kind! He probably knew what they were up to and never told the police.
"Really, Sky?" Magolor said angrily. "You're making Daisy do drugs now? How did you even get away with that K+ rating? You're a madman, Sky! Can you believe this guy, Kirby?"
He turned over to where Kirby was sitting, but he saw that Kirby was nowhere to be found. The only thing left where he was sitting was his hat and magnifying glass.
Hmm… I guess the story was becoming too much for the little guy. Can't say I blame him.
"Ah, well, anyway," Daisy huffed, as if none of this illegal activity was a big deal. "The other day I was over in Bowser's Castle, right?"
Bowser's Castle!? Even I knew that place! That's a dance club/casino run by the infamous 'King' Bowser! It's his base of operations! Chief Peach and even Mario have tried to pin a crime on him for years, but nothing ever seems to stick. The guy always comes out squeaky clean. Evidence goes missing. Witnesses strangely don't want to talk anymore.
Why would Daisy want to go to a place like that?! It's just asking for trouble! Mario always told me to stay away from there, told me never to get involved in something so dangerous. It seemed there was no one around to tell Daisy that though. That's kind of sad, isn't it?
"That Bowser certainly knows how to run a place!" Daisy went on, Power Stars in her eyes. "I've never had so much fun in all my life! Oh, the music was so dark but so cool! The people there didn't treat me like a stuffy celebrity. They knew who I was, but I could tell if I let my guard down for even a second, I might wake up missing a liver in an alley somewhere."
And what about that sounds fun!?
"So let's see if I understand how this world works…" Magolor began, "Mario and Luigi are detectives, Peach is the chief of police, Bowser is a Lv.100 Boss in Mafia City, and Daisy is a washed-up sports star who would rather be a drug-addicted slum than bathing in the riches she currently has." He paused for a moment, but then he put on a serious expression and tense music began to play.
"Ten out of ten. Ten out of ten— hundred out of a hundred. Best fic. Best fic—"
"Right, so, keep this to yourself. Confidentiality and whatever," Daisy said, waving the words away like a troublesome fly. "I couldn't get in to see Bowser himself, and I admit, I really wanted to! But I did get to meet his right-hand woman! Kammy Koopa! She's kind of a stuck up old hag, but she sold me some amazing, uh…" She stopped and glared at me. "You're not gonna snitch on me, right?"
I really should, shouldn't I? For her own sake.
I shook my head, no. I would be too scared to snitch on her.
"Good. She sold me the most amazing Royal Syrup I've ever had in my whole life!" Again, I saw the Power Stars in her eyes, but this time it was slightly more disconcerting.
There was a blankness there that I didn't like, a thing that muted her, that almost controlled her. I've heard about Syrup addicts. I've seen them on the street. It's a sad state of affairs. It's commonly used to treat sickness, (lethargy, unable to power up, that sort of thing) but Bowser's gang makes the stuff illegally.
"Syrup addicts, huh?" Magolor thought out loud. "Gotta be a better situation than using heroin to combat opiate addiction."[2]
"Anyways, Daisy explains that after waking up from a syrup-induced blackout, she found out that someone stole her crown, which she asks Luigi to recover. Although he is reluctant at first, Luigi sets out to solve the case."
I stood at the stoop of our building's entrance, staring out into the dripping city. A quiet rustling came from down on the sidewalk below. Rats, probably. Or maybe a Squeek. Gross.
Now that I was standing here, I had to think. What in the world should I even be doing!? I promised to help Daisy find her crown but… how would I even begin? I didn't even know what the crown looked like! Maybe I should have asked more questions…
Or maybe I should forget all that and focus on Mario? Oh, there was too much, too much! Too much anxiety, too much worry, too much city! I'll never be able to find this crown, I'll never be able to find my brother!
I slapped myself across the face a little harder than I probably should have.
… Relax! Relax, Luigi! Come on! Let's take this one step at a time. That's what Mario would do! He wouldn't worry, he wouldn't let anything get to him. Maybe he wasn't always sure what to do, but he'd always take a step forward. Maybe that's all I need to do? Take a step forward. That's something I can do! One step forward into the city! Small steps towards goals! Let's do it! I'm de best!
I let out a determined huff and nodded, a stern and serious frown across my lips. Yeah! I can do this. I gotta be tough and grizzled like every other detective. I took my first confident step forward into the city, into the mystery, and into the courageous brand-new Luigi!
Everything was going extremely well until my foot attempted to land on solid ground. Something hard, yet strangely soft found itself under the sole of my shoe. It squeaked and screamed and writhed in anger, knocking me off my balance and down onto the damp dirty sidewalk face first.
Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
Magolor smiled and shrugged.
"Ow ow, hey!" a voice screeched. "What the hell are you doing!?" Although I was dazed and staring at my bruised nose, I attempted to stay confident! Using my hearing skills, I noticed it was a female voice!
"Did… did you just try to stomp me?" she asked, a tinge of disgust and horror in her voice. "I knew this city had some creeps, I knew people didn't treat us Goombas right, but ohmigosh! I can't believe you'd try to do this in public! And to an officer of the law! I'd say you're brave, but you're the worst kind of sleezebag there is!"
I clearly hit a sore spot here. Also, my back. My back hurt. I tried my best to apologize, but this woman was not having it. Her tiny form towered over my nose in front of me. The first thing that stood out was the dark blue of her uniform and the bright red and white letters printed on it. NDPD.
"You're under arrest for assaulting an officer!" she yelled, her blonde hair a wet mess and looking like the bottom of my shoe for some reason. She reached into her tiny jacket's pocket and pulled out a pair of handcuffs which was impressive considering she was a Goomba.
Things started turning into a kind of kerfuffle, and she maybe even muttered a curse under her breath as she struggled to get the cuffs around my wrists with nothing but her feet and her fangs. "Stop struggling, creep!"
I'm not! I'm trying to help put my hands behind my back! Although, ow, that hurts, wait, let me just stretch for a second?
"Won't come quietly, will you!?" she yelled as one of my arms flailed in dismay, a cuff clinking along against it. "You like bonkin' people on the head, do ya? Well, let's see how you like it!"
Bonk!
I didn't like it at all. In fact, I didn't like it so much that I sort of blacked out right there. Well, at the very least it got me to stop struggling.
"That's all folks!"
"Nah, I'm just kidding. It's not the end yet, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was."
My head ached. I was damp, I was dirty, I was unconscious, and I was under arrest. My first step into the big city was not going well. I knew I could never get anywhere without Mario. At the very least, being unconscious certainly made things easier for me! I didn't have to worry about where I was going or who I was bothering. The swelling on my forehead did hurt, though. Wait, if I'm unconscious, how can I think all this or feel that?
Oh no. I'm pretending to be unconscious, aren't I?!
Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
Magolor smiled and shrugged.
"So Luigi wakes up at what seems like an interrogation room, and Princess Peach and Goombella are there as well."
"Luigi," Chief Toadstool started. I was not used to anyone saying my name so much. It was usually only my brother. "When was the last time you spoke to or saw Mario?"
Oh no. Oh no. My mind raced. Thoughts swirled together in a horrible mishmash like two Yoshis trying to lick the same ice cream cone. This was exactly what I was afraid of, this was exactly what I didn't want to hear! If Princess Peach didn't know where Mario was, things were bad. Things were really bad. What could have happened? What if he was kidnapped? What if he was hurt? What if it was… worse?
"This part of the story is pretty long and drawn out," Magolor explained, "so I'll summarize it for you. Basically, he says that Mario came home with dinner,and then they went off and did their own thing for the rest of the night. By the time Luigi woke up, his brother was already gone. He waited for his brother to leave him a phone call, which he usually does, but he never called."
"Well, if that's everything, I suppose I should get back to work. Toadsworth has been on my case even more than usual lately, and Bowser's been quiet for too long. It's not like him. Not to mention there's been a surplus of weapons on the streets lately. I think Smithy has been working over time for some odd reason, and Toadsworth wants me to find out why."
Smithy? Why did that name sound familiar? And why did it send metallic chills down my spine?
"Smithy?" Magolor echoed. "Smithy's a part of this story, too?"
Goombella groaned. "Don't I know it. None of the boys have had Cackletta's location confirmed in days either. It's like they know Mario's not around. I don't like it, Chief."
And Cackletta? Again, I think I know that name. A celebrity maybe? But there was something fairly awful about it.
"Cackletta, too? Interesting. We don't hear about these characters a lot. I wonder where this story will go with them."
"So Goombella takes… no, that's not quite the right word, umm… escorts Luigi home."
It didn't surprise me to see so many people out on this wet night. Rain was an inevitability in New Donk City. Us New Donkians just got used to it. If you weren't soaked somewhere, you weren't in New Donk.
I noted how clean the streets were here too. No Chain Chomps, no loose Piranha Plants, no leaking pipes in need of fixing, no pot holes, and no Goombas.
Er. Well. Except Goombella. She walked ahead of me confidently, or at least as confidently as one could in a place where no one else looked like you. She put on a tough face, but if there's one thing I understand, it's the fear of not fitting in.
"Evenin', Goombella!" said a Toad carrying various items haphazardly in an old crate. Mushrooms jiggled and badges threatened to topple out at any moment.
"Evening, Thiff. Say hello to Plenn for me, will you? I'll probably stop by later for the usual." With a casual motion she jumped into the air and bonked a falling mushroom back into the perpetual state of unbalance in the Toad's arms, saving him quite a bit of trouble.
"Can do!"
It wasn't long before another cheerful Toad came by. "Hi, Goombella!"
"Hello, Minh. Garden doing well in all this rain?"
"You bet! My flowers are thirsty little fellas!"
"This goes on for a while, basically. I can't say for sure, but I get the feeling that the author is just using this space to show us how much they know about the Mario RPG games. I gotta admit, their knowledge impresses me."
"Anyways, after the Paper Mario character showcase, Luigi and Goombella eventually make it to something they can use to get home."
A wet tarp stood before us, covering up some large thing that was very mysterious-
Goombella grunted and quickly pulled the tarp off with her sharp teeth, ruining the air of mystery I was trying to set up. Underneath it was a cute dark blue scooter with the speckled red and white mushroom of the NDPD on it. At its end a pair of police lights sat forlornly, as if begging to light up, yearning for that thrill of the chase. They didn't seem to be used much. It looked to be a custom-made scooter for Goombas, with its pedals extremely close to the seat.
"So yeah, this is my ride," Goombella said with a sigh. "Sorry. It's probably not what you were expecting or hoping for."
I had to admit, it wasn't what I expected. But to be completely fair, I didn't know what to expect a Goomba could even drive. Why wasn't it parked in front of the station though? Why did she leave it here all alone in this dark alley?
Goombella's lips formed a tight line. She was trying to play it tough. "The Toads at the station tease me about it, especially with Toadette gone. They don't mean any harm, I know. I know they don't. Maybe if I just told them it bothered me…"
But she couldn't, could she?
It was never that easy to tell someone, 'Hey, that hurts my feelings!' Because then suddenly you're a real person with feelings and emotions. Because then suddenly you're saying to that person 'You've hurt me, you attacked me, you're a horrible person!' And you don't want to do that.
"Why not?" Magolor asked. "If someone hurt me, physically or otherwise, I'd make sure that they get what they deserve. 'Eye for an eye,' amirite?"
"Ssscho," Goombella started, trying to break the silence as she drove. "You know Daishy? The Daishy?"
"Sure. We're halfway through the chapter. Might as well bring that plot point back up."
Her voice wasn't quite so gloomy anymore when she spoke of that woman. I told her that Daisy was actually staying in my apartment right this moment! Like it was an exciting thing and like I actually knew who Daisy was before this night even started.
"Really? Sssche's at your place? Right now?!" Goombella said excitedly, but still keeping her eyes and mouth on the road. "I … I love Daisy! Like… well not love, like that, y'know? But sche's… schhe's totally like a hero to me!"
Huh? Daisy? Of all people? Why?
"It's juscht…" Goombella tried not to sound like she was drooling on the handlebars as she craned her whole body to turn left at the intersection. "Sche's so good at sschports!" She coughed. "Sports! I mean. I've always wanted to be good at any schport y'know? Tennisch, Golf, Bascheball, Kart Racing… Schomething! And there's just…. Well it's not like there's any Goombash to look up to." We came to a gentle stop at one of the lights, the bright red of it bearing down over both of us. She let her mouth leave the handlebars.
"I just wish I could do any of that."
"Why? You're a cop. That's way better than sports!"
"So they stop for a snack, and they talk a bit more about this messed-up alternate universe version of Daisy."
I told her about Daisy, the drugs, the gambling, the partying and I told her about the crown I was supposed to find. She watched me, eyes skeptical, disbelief all over her face.
"Really? Daisy did all that? And lost her crown? No, that can't be right."
It's true! She told me all herself! I've known her for about twenty minutes, it all seems very in character for her.
"But… she's my…. She's, er, a hero! To sports enthusiasts everywhere!" Goombella grumbled, chomping on a Koopa-shelled donut of her own.
"I'm assuming Goombella never heard of Lance Armstrong," Magolor remarked.
"But the conversation doesn't last long, because some familiar characters enter the scene…"
"Wa, it's more turquoise than sapphire," someone said nasally behind her. "I wouldn't say its pretty, waheheh."
Goombella grumbled. "Okay, fine. I mean if you wanna argue semantics, I guess."
"Will you's be quiets, Rookie!? You's always go blabberin' on when we're tryin' to rob a place, see?!"
"Wah," the nasally voice whined. "But boss, we just had the crown! I think I know a little more about what it looks like than she does."
"Why I oughta…."
"Hey! Mystery solved!" Magolor beamed. Suddenly, his demeanor turned sour. "Can I go home now?" he asked dryly.
Before we could prepare ourselves for them, the masked green man shouted, "Nobody move! This is a stick up, see?!"
I froze, as that seems to be my natural defense mechanism to these sorts of things. Goombella grunted, keeping still, but her muscles tense. There was a deep frown etched into her face, and I could see she was embarrassed to get so caught off guard.
"Vhat, vhat is happening in 'ere!?" Torte shouted, angry and confused, which was sort of the norm.
"Wa, Boss said nobody moves!" the nasally voice replied, sounding uncomfortably familiar to me. The voice belonged to an incredibly tall, slender man. Unfortunately, his eyes were hidden behind a black thief's mask, so I couldn't identify him. He wore a lot of purple though, and a cap similar to mine with an upside down-L on it.
"Gee, I wonder who that could be," Magolor said sarcastically.
"Shut up, Rookie!" the smaller one said angrily, instantly quieting the taller one. He waved his Fire Flower around, the orange petals glowing with a dangerous heat, ready to fire at the slightest of movements. "Just put all yer coins in the bag and aint nobody has to get hurt, see?!"
Getting a better look at him, I could tell this was a Beanish person. His green skin was a big indicator, and his huge square teeth a dead giveaway. He wore a thief's mask as well, but it worked way better on him than the tall guy.
"Popple?" Magolor asked incredulously. "Well, I guess that means only one thing."
Magolor grabbed a boom box from seemingly out of nowhere, and then he turned it on. Strangely enough, "Rookie and Popple (Beta Mix) - Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga" by SiIvaGunner began to play.
"So Luigi and Goombella (Goombella, mostly) stop Popple and Waluigi and return their stolen goods. They do get away, unfortunately, but they do get a lead on Daisy's missing crown; Waluigi bet it on a game at Bowser's Castle and lost. So Goombella formulates a plan."
"Wait…" she started, eyes lost in thought. "I can't go to Bowser's Castle."
Uh. Yeah. We established that a few paragraphs up already.
"No, no, I can't go to Bowser's Castle, but you can, Luigi," she said, her eyes regaining some of that spunky energy again.
What? Me? … By myself!?
"Think about it! You could go there, find Daisy's crown, and you could totally learn about what happened to Mario too, y'know?!" The golden sheen in her hair was already back, and the spring was sprung in her steps.
I did want to find out what happened to Mario. I really did. But I couldn't possibly. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without having an anxiety attack!
"Oh, come on, what's the worst that could happen!?" Goombella pressed, as if Bowser wasn't the king of crime. "If you don't make it back, I'll know he did something to you! We'll all know he killed you! He wouldn't dare hurt you! He'd be thrown in jail faster than a Toad could say, 'Yahoo!'"
"I will admit, that's a good idea, but I will not excuse the fact that you are being racist against Toads right now."
It invigorated me. I felt like I had 100 Power Stars coursing through my body. That's right! I'm a Mario Brother! "Luigi number one!" I shouted awkwardly. I wasn't gonna put myself down for saying something so weird! Not right now!
"Yeah! You go, Luigi!" Goombella shouted, happy as can be. "I'll drive you as close as I can to his club! Afterwards I'll come back and clean up after Popple's mess and hand everyone's stuff back. You'll be on your own, but I know you can do it!"
Ah, wait, we're going right now? Maybe we could have another donut?
"Yep yep, there's no time for donuts, Luigi! Let's-a-go!"
She was right! I think. I can do this! I can do this! Let's-a-go!
"He's gonna die. I'm sure of it,"said a voice from an unknown location.
I knew that voice. I'd recognize it anywhere, even at the bottom of Onion Ocean. It could only come from one person, a person I knew all too well. I turned around, and my guesses were proven correct.
Marx...
To Be Continued…
Footnote Credits
[1] "Fashion Mags" by DokiDokiTsuna (TinyURL: y6lxu4wc)
[2] "4 Illegal Drugs That Might Be Medicines" (TinyURL: yxu46ja4)
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