(Disclaimer: Negative aspects of a story will be exaggerated for comedic purposes. Just because a story is constantly ridiculed does not mean that it is bad. Any Fanfiction that is good will be praised by the end.)
Warning: The following review is rated T because there's cursing and drugs and stuff.
Magolor's Coffeehouse
Episode 06: Mario is Missing by Sky's Penname
TintURL: yy4bt8ws
Marx…
So the convict returns to the scene of the crime. That fiend- no, that murderer, murder of my dignity. There was no doubt that he had come back as he was standing right in front of me.
"So, you've come back," Magolor deadpanned, arms folded. "Came back to insult my outfit again?"
"No," Marx shook his head.
"Well, then I suppose-"
"I came to apologize!" Marx shouted.
Apologize? Marx? Those two things mixed with each other about as well as peanut butter and pickle relish (believe me, I know how that tastes). I figured this must be a trick or something.
"Is this a trick or something?" Magolor asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Nope," Marx replied. "No tricks. I'm genuinely sorry for what I had done. What I did was hurtful and unprofessional and I hate that I hurt you the way I did. I hope that we can put this behind us and that I can review the rest of this story with you."
Magolor still seemed unfazed. "You're serious?"
"Seriously serious."
Magolor thought for a moment and then said. "Alright, I forgive you. Let's go.
The two buddies sat back at the reviewing table. Before Magolor could begin, Marx face put out a disgusted look.
"Hey, Mags, could you put away that incense? I can't breathe with that stuff making smoke."
"Fine," Magolor groaned. He got up and went over to the incense, licked his fingers, and pinched the hot end of the stick, putting it out. With a turn of his robe, he made his way back to his chair.
"So…" Marx said once Magolor returned, "...I haven't been here for the beginning of the story. Can you catch me up to speed?"
"Alright. So this story is basically an alternate universe where the Mario Brothers are detectives, Peach is the chief of police, and Bowser is a mob boss. Mario is missing for a week, and Luigi has become even more of an emotional wreck than he usually is. Daisy comes in, asking Luigi to find her crown, which was stolen by some unknown hooligans. He runs into Goombella, who is a police officer in this universe. They find the hooligans who stole the crown, but it turns out that they lost it at Bowser's Coney Island Disco Palace, so our two heroes set out there."
Marx sat wide-eyed before saying, "Well, this story seems… interesting."
"Trust me, it is," Magolor beamed.
"Well what are we waiting for?" Marx asked with stars in his eyes. "Let's get started!"
"Alright, buddy," Magolor said with a wave and a wink. "So Luigi and Goombella are on their way to Bowser's hangout…"
I can't do this. What was I thinking? There's no way I can do this!
"Huh? Did you schay schomething?" Goombella asked, her mouth over the handlebars. Her scooter's motor puttered noisily, ready to leave me all alone. "You mumble to yourschelf way too much, Luigi. I can barely tell when you're actually talking." She paused and spit the handlebars out of her mouth, her eyes softening. "You gonna be okay?"
No! Not at all!
"O-okey-d-dokey," I replied shakily.
Hot air billowed throughout this part of the city. It rained still, but this fiery heat could not be sated. A dark steamy mist rose across the streets, and I could hear the distant booming of bass and dance music. Flyers were scattered about, littering every wall, every sidewalk, and haphazardly pasted to dirty old street lamps.
Bowser's Castle it read in big bold red and green letters, featuring a smartly dressed monster tipping his 10-gallon hat in a mock gentleman's gesture. That monster was Bowser. 'King' of the Koopas, and king of crime. He invited anyone and everyone to gamble their troubles away at his casino club. Hey, and if gambling wasn't your thing, he had drink, too. The best Syrup in all of New Donk! Totally legal! (Maybe.)
"Wow," Marx said, noticeably surprised. "This author really knows how to liven up a story with detail."
"Don't I know it," Magolor replied. "But don't worry, you'll forget all about that once Luigi starts acting like an idiot."
I was finally able to convince my legs to move by telling my body, 'It's okay! We're walking home! Nothing to be afraid of.' But of course, my clumsy body couldn't make it easy. I stumbled forward and into something soft and velvety. The thing beneath me let out a sniffle of annoyance.
"Hey, watch where you're going, buddy!" the Shy Guy threatened, using his tiny arms to push me backwards. For such a small thing, he really had a lot of strength.
Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
Magolor smiled and shrugged.
"S-sorry!" I mumbled, cursing my awkwardness as I stumbled backwards, trying my best not to make any more of a scene. But, of course, that wasn't going to happen.
My stupid feet landed on something sleek and smooth. A slippery wet chain. To my relief, that chain was attached to a woman's hand! She wasn't even a Koopa or anything! She was a nice old rabbit lady, in fact! Someone who surely wouldn't get angry at a pathetic man like me.
"How DARE you?!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, the pearls around her neck reflecting a steaming red-hot rage. "You stepped on my precious Chain-Chompikin's leash! Do you have any idea how many coins this costs? No?! A buffoon like you would never!"
Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
Magolor smiled and shrugged.
Marx shifted his gaze to Magolor and said, "You're trying to start a running gag, aren't you?"
Magolor smiled and said, "Why, yes. Yes, I am."
"You do realize that joke is used by Keldeo the Critic, right?" Marx asked, a hint of disappointment in his voice.
"Well, he took the joke from the Nostalgia Critic, so I say it isn't a problem," Magolor answered dismissively.
"Just how do you expect to pay for this?!" The Chain Chomp hissed and growled in my direction, angry saliva dripping between its fangs.
"S-sorry!" I cried, knowing nothing else.
"Sorry isn't going to cover it, you little barbarian!" she screamed, heralding every passerby's gaze at me, even more so than already were. "An eye for an eye, as they say! If you can't pay…." Her frown turned into a terrifying toothy grin, eyes filled with a dark malice that I have never seen. "Then it's only fair my Chain-Chompikins takes a piece of YOU!"
Magolor and Marx sat speechless, exchanging glances for a few moments. Magolor finally broke the silence with a weak "What the heck?"
"Are you seriously gonna have Madame Broodal's Chain Chomp eat Luigi?" he continued, back at normal volume. "I mean, I guess it's justifiable this time, since in the games, she attacks as soon as you show up, but I think this is just going too far."
"Yeah," Marx spoke up. "That's like having my dog rip you to shreds for stepping on its leash. There's bringing about justice, and then there's just being a straight-up criminal!"
"Moving on, then," Magolor continued. "Luigi does the sensible thing and runs away, and he makes it to Bowser's Castle by pure chance.
I knocked over Doogans, nearly stepped on some Goombas, slammed into a few Hammer Bros., ran through a dozen Boos, but at least the voice and the barking were getting quieter. Mostly because a thumping music was getting louder. My brain could hardly process anything other than 'less of that sound = good! Run towards less of that!'
The only problem with that plan of action was that it took me straight to Bowser's Castle. The sound of my own screams lessened and was soon replaced by a catchy jazzy beat. Even I couldn't resist but to tap my foot and hum along to it even in my adrenaline pumped state. Trumpets and saxophones wailed, setting a chilling yet classy mood over the street corner.
"So he goes on and on about Bowser's place and his reputation in the city…"
A Hammer Bro sliced at his guitar, the dirty sound exploding throughout the speakers, all while the band of Koopas played their saxophones. Piranha Plants bobbed their heads to the beats, fangs glistening with drool, threatening to devour anyone that dared mess with the music. As if that wasn't enough, Chain Chomps jingled away, bounding and bouncing happily along under the hypnotizing spell of Bowser's strange charm.
I didn't know much about Bowser, but I did know that he was a Chain Chomp activist. On TV there'd always be commercials showing a smartly dressed Bowser petting a bruised and dirty Chain Chomp, saying how it is our duty to spay and neuter our Chain Chomps.
"No! No!" Magolor shouted, slamming his hands down on the table. "Do not compare Bowser to Bob Barker!"
Something broke through the blaring music. Shouting voices. The ritzy doors slammed open, red and gold gleaming dangerously yet elegantly.
"What'd we tells you about feedin' da Chomps, buster?!" a tough Pianta in a dark suit growled. His big hands easily tossed the poor drunk mole man onto the wet street. "You's Moleville types think you can just waltz in here and do whatever you want! Da boss don't like it. Ain't respectful."
"Lil' varmint looked mighty hungry! Juscht wanted to feed him a schpell," the mole said, words slurred, and head woozy.
"Ya don't feed Chomps da Syrup, wise guy! Ain't good for 'em!" the Pianta bouncer said, not understanding the irony of this Syrup drunken mole before him. "And da boss would be angry knowin' ya mis-gendered that Chomp. She's a girl." The Pianta sighed after that last bit. "Just get outta here, ya drunk! Don't show your face till ya sober up or get more coin!"
"Woah, woah, woah," Marx said, wide-eyed. "This story has alcohol and drugs in it?
"Yep," Magolor nodded.
Marx hesitated, then he turned to Magolor and said, "Should I be upset by this?"
"Not really."
So. Just how in the world was I meant to get in there? Would I have to talk to that scary bouncer? Maybe if I just told him I was here to see Bowser, and that I'm Mario's brother, they'd let me in? Or… wait, don't they hate Mario? No, this wouldn't work. No, absolutely not! None of this would work! This is too dangerous. I really should just go home like I wanted to from the start!
"H-hey! No cutting!" a raspy Toad croaked. He rubbed his arms like he was freezing cold, his eyes staring at me, but looking through me.
Wait, what? Did my stupid legs bring me to the front of the line? No! Body, what are you doing?!
Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
Magolor smiled and shrugged.
"What's with you, pal?" the Pianta bouncer said to me, sunglasses glaring underneath the neon lights. "You some kinda tough guy?"
Me?! No! Never! I mean! Well, okay, how did I say this? I'm looking for my brother, Mario, and if I could just have a quick talk with Mr. Bowser that would be really nice? No, no, that's stupid.
"What da hell are you's jabbering on about?" the Pianta growled, crossing his arms. "You's sayin' yer Mario's brother? Yeah, yeah, you and everyone else, bub! Now get to the back of the line, before I make ya!"
"Sweet Nova!" Marx shouted, jumping onto the table. "He just cursed! Quick, let's grab our heads and scream!"
"Get down from there," Magolor scolded.
Agh, wait, no, I had come all this way! I couldn't just give up now! I tried to explain my situation more thoroughly but also more quickly because everyone was getting quite angry with me. I tried to tell him about how a thug and Waluigi (who is my cousin apparently, but I don't know him well) got their crown stolen here! And I could prove Mario was my brother because, look! Same hat! Er, well it's a similar hat. See, mine was green and his was red and…
"You drunks are all the same!" the Pianta yelled, grabbing me in his strong arms. "Now I tolds ya to scram!" And with a power that could only be found in Piantas, he chucked me out over the line. My body soared through the air like a Bumpty attempting to take flight by jumping off a cliff.
"Alright, Sky," Magolor said, shaking his head, "I think it's time to stop with these references. Not even Gryll would be able to get them at this point."
"So Luigi finds Kammy Koopa, Bowser's right-hand woman," Magolor continued, "and she says she can get him in to see Bowser."
It didn't seem like it was just fear keeping me in my place. I felt a weird force holding me down. Or was that just in my head? Either way, I wasn't going to turn down this sweet old lady.
"Okey-dokey," I mumbled to her, noting the glowing red wand in her hand. Oh, very pretty! I liked her fashion sense.
"Right this way," she said motioning to a blank wall, a casual smile on her wrinkled face.
I blinked. It was just a brick wall. Was this just what happens when you get old? You start saying you know people and inviting them to walk into walls? How very sad! Well, I already said I'd do it! It'd be rude to say no now. With a shrug, I walked forward into the wall, preparing my body for impact.
What happened next was a bit embarrassing. As I walked into the wall intentionally, it turned out there was not actually a wall at all! As soon as my body made contact with it, the wall poofed out of existence. A few colorful triangles, circles, and squares floated away.
Now, you may say to yourself, 'Great! You didn't walk into a wall!'
But… I was expecting to walk into a wall! Not through a doorway. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I actually tumbled onto the floor, nose first, and landed squarely on soft regal carpeting.
"Okay," Magolor said, "Now I know this was inspired by Undertale."
Sans: *over here.
*i know a shortcut.
"So we finally meet Bowser, and says that in order to Luigi what he wants to know, he'll have to play a game."
How about we play a little game, hm? How many coins you got on you?"
I wordlessly rummaged through my pockets and held out a measly handful of gold. His eyes gleamed with shock.
"Geez, is that really all you have? I almost feel bad," Bowser said strangely. "Almost. But, my information is incredibly valuable. I'm afraid I can't just part ways with it for that." He grinned again, leaning his huge jaw atop a muscled fist. "You're Mario's brother ain'tcha? That means you own Mario's detective agency, at least partially. Why don't you just bet your dinky little agency?"
Eh!? I saw my own face pale, even in his pearly whites.
"Now, now, come on! Don't be a baby," Bowser continued, clearly not knowing me. "Let me put it this way. We play a little game of my choosing. If you win, I'll tell you anything you want to know! And!" His fangs spread wider, and he leaned closer. "If you lose, I'll still tell you anything you want to know!" His moist hot breath slapped against my face, and contrary to popular belief, I did not like it.
"Uhh…" Marx said, shifting his large eyes. "...I'm sure there's a fetish somewhere in that last line."
"Anyways," Magolor said, audibly annoyed at Marx's comment, "in order to see what game Luigi will play, we must spin that wheel!"
Suddenly, bootleg The Price is Right music began to play.
The lights dimmed dramatically, leaving only the large screen lit up with five different options. It read: 'Bowser's Balloon Burst, Bowser's Tug O'War, Bowser Revolution, Bowser's Bumper Balls,' and last in bright catchy gold, '10,000 Coins!' With a grumpy snap of his fingers, the roulette went off, highlighting each and every one of the options at an anxiety-inducing speed.
"I think we should change the name of that second to last one, Your Ruthlessness," Kammy whispered.
Bowser nodded, a concerned frown on his face. "Yeah, that… that doesn't look so great. At the time, it sounded amazing! With the alliteration and all."
As the roulette finally began to slow, I heard a deep and unsettling beating. I looked to see the band had stopped. It was my own heart! Oh, I could hardly handle this. What had I gotten myself into? It was nearing its end, slowing down painfully over each and every option until at last it stilled onto…
10,000 Coins!
My trembling stopped, my face must have lit up, and I think I finally experienced true joy! Things were finally looking up for Luigi!
…and then the roulette went back up one option. Bowser's Bumper Balls.
Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaahhh!
Magolor shrugged and rolled his eyes.
"So they play the game, and Luigi wins by, of course, doing absolutely nothing!"
"Wait," Marx interrupted, "Shouldn't you talk about the events in more detail?"
"No," Magolor replied. "I'm already a week late for this review. I don't wanna waste more time than I need to. I'll probably add that part in an update, but I just wanna get this review out."
"Anyway," he continued, "Since he won, Bowser decided to tell him what he wants to know."
"So, scrawny," Bowser said with a sigh, sounding exhausted after his burst of rage. "Whaddya wanna know? Lemme guess. Wanna know where your brother's been, eh?"
I nodded excitedly. Bowser appeared to be in a much more understanding mood. But there was something else I wanted to know, too! I can't forget about my original mission! To help Daisy find her crown! That Bean thief, Popple, and Waluigi had stolen it! But apparently, they lost it in a game here in Bowser's Castle.
"What?" Bowser grumbled, a hint of anger returning. "Those two said I stole it?! And you believed a couple of actual criminals over me, because I'm Bowser, right?"
Uh. Um. Well, I hadn't thought of it like that.
"Typical," Bowser sighed. "So I kidnap the chief of police a few times! Maybe I was a little overly forceful in my romantic gestures! Suddenly that means anything that goes wrong in the city is my fault, huh?"
"Well, no," Magolor said flatly, "but it would be reasonable to think that."
"And before you get any bright ideas," Bowser growled, trying to read whatever my facial expression must have been. "We had nothin' to do with this. Got it? Sure, I'd love to get rid of Mario! If I could! He messes with me more than anyone else! But here's the thing, if I got rid of him, I know for sure I'd be the first to be suspected! You people always blame me for everything! It'd be too much of a hassle for me to get rid of him."
That wasn't exactly rock-solid evidence that he didn't do it. It couldn't be me because I'm the obvious choice! Sometimes a pipe has bite marks on it. Sometimes its rats, sometimes it just happened to rust that way, but most of the time it's a hungry Piranha Plant. Just because it isn't always a Piranha Plant doesn't mean I shouldn't suspect it.
"Woah, okay, cool," Marx said. "Luigi's actually starting to sound like a detective. Nice character development, Sky."
"Well, since Luigi won't leave Bowser alone," Magolor took over, "he decides to drive him over to Little Beanbean Town, the stomping grounds of Cackletta.
A tower approached from the distance. A tall tangled tower, stabbing through the dark clouds, alone in its madness up here. Even at my ludicrous speeds, I could see at the very top was a comfy looking balcony! It probably gave a great view of… er… well the clouds, I guess. Seeing as it was impossible to ever see the city with all the rain. Still, it looked so peaceful.
Ah! It appeared my stop was here. My good friend, Bill, let me know this by friendily dropping me from his strong grip. As I fell to the city, I took one last glance towards the tower again. Hm. I could swear I saw someone there? A strange fellow. Waving? Were they waving at me? I couldn't get a better view as I tumbled through the fluffy wet clouds and down into the noisy lights of the city.
"Foreshadowing!" both of them shouted.
I shivered. The usual heat of the city had vanished, replaced by an icy cold. A stark contrast to the hot rain around Bowser's Castle. Many of the buildings were boarded up, looking dead and empty inside. This was nothing like Bowser's territory. There were no signs of thugs at least! But at the same time, there was no sign of anything. Nobody wanted to be here.
I found myself standing before the dark looming tower. It was so tall. So very very tall. I felt as if it were ready to gobble me up. A cute round wooden door framed the entrance to this spooky old place, a happy sign near it reading 'WELCOME' in big bold letters. But the 'WELCOME' was crossed out and instead replaced with a sloppy threatening 'GET LOST!'
What… what in the world was I meant to do? There was no one around, there was no one to ask. Something rustled in the plants, and I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being watched. I couldn't even ask a bouncer what I should do. Why couldn't there be a nice old lady to talk to me here? But I wasn't about to leave empty handed. I had no ideas, but I had to try something! I guess… hmm… I guess I could just knock on the front door and see if anyone was home?
"Uh oh," Marx said, giddy as ever. "He's in trouble now."
Marx and Magolor danced around as Spooky Scary Skeletons started playing.
A rubbery force pounded into my side, knocking the wind out of me and tossing me to the dirt. "Are you insane?!" the voice cried. Female.
Could this be Cackletta? Was I already under attack?! I screamed and writhed under her tiny little arms and pink mushroom head. She kept holding a finger up to her mouth, trying to shush me, dragging me away from the door and over to the side of the tower. She was much stronger than I would have expected.
"What?! Why in the world would you think I'm Cackletta?" the Toad girl said angrily.
Right. Right, this was a Toad. Cackletta was a Beanish person, wasn't she? Plus, looking over her, she appeared far too cutesy to be this 'ugly' woman that Bowser had described. She even had pink little mushrooms dangling in her pigtails! Although, they were sort of busy whacking me in the face as I struggled against her.
"So Luigi meets Toadette, a former officer from the NDPD" Magolor explained, "they talk about their past and the going-ons of the town, and then Toadette comes up with a plan to get into Cackletta's tower."
"Okay, so here's what my plan was. It's not very great, I know! But it's better than what Goombella would have suggested, like just bashing down the door." She shuffled through her backpack, pulling out two black cloaks and some scary looking gasmasks. "The first one I bought was way too big for me, but I decided to take it just in case! I knew it was good to always be prepared." She was extremely pleased with herself.
She handed the thing to me. What in the world was it? What was I meant to do with this? The cloth itself was very smooth, but also felt a little rubbery, sort of like a cheap Halloween costume.
"They're Snifit outfits!" she said cheerily, pulling the cloak over her big mushroom head. Her voice became muffled as the gas mask's mouth moved with her words. "Booster, for whatever reason, hires a ton of Snifits! Maybe he's related to them or something? I don't know. But these disguises should be perfect!"
It did not seem convincing. Toadette looked like a Snifit, sure, but she looked like the smartest Snifit I had ever seen with the way her head ballooned out. She rushed me to put on my disguise, and like usual, I obeyed without delay.
I became very aware of my own breathing, and the world suddenly became hard to see. It was a little scary, but at the same time… I felt safe in here? No one could see my face, and my body was completely covered! Plus, any weird smells were being filtered through the mask. It was already starting to grow on me.
"Hmm," the giant headed Snifit said to me. "You're way too tall. I don't know if you can pull it off."
"And you didn't notice this until just now?" Magolor asked. "No wonder you were fired from the police department."
"Nevertheless, they enter the tower, and when they get caught, the guard believes them so much that he thinks that they are here to apply for jobs."
"Judging by the black robes, you guys must be applying for positions, huh?" He shuffled his papers again, and I noticed they were mostly blank, save for a few with some fun scribbles on them. "Very forward of you to show up in uniform already. Assuming you'll just get in like that, huh?" He sounded angry, but then quickly followed it up with a, "I like your style."
Toadette turned to me briefly, appearing lost in all this. I nodded confidently, sure that our employment would go swimmingly. "Oh yeah!" I sniffed, striking a cool pose with my arms outstretched.
The Snifit's mask's eyes widened in shock. "Wow! You might even be overqualified! I gotta watch out for you! And I'm Number 1!"
Marx chuckled uncontrollably for nearly a minute, before catching his breath and weakly saying "What an idiot."
"Anyways," Magolor said, "as Luigi and Toadette are being given a tour of the castle, they come across some photos…"
Up here, along the corridor, pictures of strange scraggly bearded men lined the walls. Each wore the same big black beard, and each had their mouth open in a big toothy smile, however most were missing quite a few teeth. They all looked related in the sense that a bunch of trashy black bears look related in a garbage dump.
"As you can see, Booster comes from a long line of very handsome gentleman." Number 3 sniffed smartly. "These are all his descendants. Family is important, you know! Have to respect your elders!" he said that last part haggardly, practically rasping it out.
As we strolled through, we came along to the last portraits. The very last one must have been Booster himself! He was a prime example of a Booster! Bushy beard, big horns atop his hat, and a look that said, 'Hey! I'm Booster!' …. Whatever that meant.
Although… hm. There was something strange about one of the pictures before it. The third generation Booster, the grandparent, showed an intimidating green-skinned woman. Her fangs were sharp, and her body seemed to slither like a serpent. I felt like I had seen this person in my nightmares. Even stranger, it looked like this portrait had simply been taped over another.
Number 4 desperately tugged at my robes, pointing at it with all of her nerdy power. Oh, 4, that is so you.
She whispered, "That's her! Luigi, that's Cackletta!" Luigi? Who was that? And Cackletta?...
"Oh no," Marx said worriedly, "Luigi's getting brainwashed. Is this the origins of Mr. L?"
"No," Maagolor replied, "but it wouldn't surprise me if that was the case."
Number 3 lead us through a few more rooms up the tower, each getting a little stranger and a little more destroyed than the last. One room was just plain upside down! Lights defied all logic and reason, hanging upwards like stalagmites, where as tables with little Snifit mugs sat cutely up on the ceiling as if nothing was wrong. Number 4 was looking a little dizzy, but I held her hand and guided her through some of the impossible geometry. It wasn't that bad! We Snifits were used to it.
"Oh, yeah, this room usually gives the new guys some trouble," Number 3 called out, standing on the wall beside us, his center of gravity completely different from ours. "What you wanna do is ignore anything you've ever learned about reality and logic and just sorta go with the flow, you know?"
"Can do!" I said simply, looking through a doorway and seeing myself with Number 4 staring back at us. Haha, boy, if I was anyone else, I'd be terrified! Good thing I'm Number 2. Number 4 was getting a little shook up, but that's just because she was always the brainiac! Poor girl relied on her 'math' and 'logic' too much.
"Gee," Magolor said, surprised, "maybe Luigi is brainwashed."
"I dunno," Marx "shrugged," "Maybe he's just trying to stay in character?"
"Oh, sure," Magolor said sarcastically, "A spineless coward like Luigi is an excellent actor."
"Hey, you don't know."
Oh, really?" Magolor asked. "Just read these lines from after Luigi and Toadette avoid getting caught by Fawful."
"Geez-louise," Number 4 gasped as she ripped the cloak and mask off herself, revealing a small sweaty Toad girl. "Thought I was gonna suffocate!"
I nearly jumped out of my nozzle I was so shocked. A Shy Guy/Snifit taking off their mask! Right in front of me! I always knew 4 was forward but this? "N-number 4! What are you doing!?"
She tilted her head, eyebrows raised. "What do you mean, Luigi? It's hot, I just needed a breather, you know?"
"Y-you can't just take your mask off like that in front of people!" I said while turning away, my robes heating up in pure embarrassment. Also, why did she keep calling me that awful name?
"You're really weird." She sighed. "But fine, you're right, best I stay in disguise for now." She quickly dressed herself back up, and the images of Toadette left my mind, leaving me back in my comfortable position as Number 2.
"Phew, okay!" I said turning back around to Number 4 who was finally decent. We'd have to talk about workplace harassment, since I was her superior and all, but that was later.
Marx sat wide-eyed, mouth agape, completely speechless.
"Now do you see what I mean?" Magolor asked his dumbfounded friend.
"Yes," he said, weakly.
"Okay," Magolor continued. "Let's skip ahead to Chapter 6."
"But wait, don't you wanna know what happens to Luigi?"
"Oh, he probably came to his senses. Anyway, the two head out to see Smithy."
Toadette groaned. "Ugh, Smithy. That guy is one of the original trouble makers with Bowser. He's head of the Smithy Gang." She swerved through the lifeless streets, boosting past abandoned buildings. "Very unoriginal name, but you'll see that he's just terrible at naming things in general."
For once, Toadette slowed to a reasonable speed. She pointed out through the windshield, beyond the closed down structures and out into the dark heavens. Something tall stared back. It wasn't like Cackletta's Tower either. This thing was alive. An enormous sword gleamed dangerously in the distance, its eyes glaring over the city. Watching.
"That's Exor. Do you seriously not know this stuff?" Toadette raised an eyebrow, or at least made the motion to do so, considering Toads don't have eyebrows.
"Nope," Marx said, shaking his "head."
"Sorry, no one remembers Exor," Magolor said. "At the very least, no one remembers him fondly."
"So the two run into Goldbob from The Thousand-Year Door, quite literally, in fact, and we learn a bit more about the cast-iron grip of Smithy.
"Look before you, my lads! Don't you recognize my business?" he asked, desperately jolly. When I pried my eyes away from the accident, they immediately fell onto a huge decayed building.
Like its owner, its bricks were coated in gold! And like its owner, it had seen better days. Paint peeled, wood rotted, and rain pooled in stagnant puddles over the awning, looking like a boil ready to burst into tears. The windows were boarded up, the lights were off. Nobody was home. The sign read Golbobbington's.
"No, no, my good chap, that's Goldbobbington's! Hoho, the d seems to have fallen off! Quite an unsightly mess, that is, but I assure you, I will be having it fixed with the utmost of haste as well!" His voice cracked, like the walls of his business. "Then, Sylvia will realize what a horrible mistake she made! Hoho! She'll be back, and I'll take my boy, Bub, on one of those train rides he loves so much! Hohoho!"
Toadette's anger softened. The flames of her wreckage slowly fizzled out under the pouring rain. "Oh my gosh… Mr. Bob, I'm so sorry. Was this Smithy?"
Something must have clicked in her head that didn't click in mine. Why wasn't she angry at this man for jumping in front of her car anymore? Why did my gut feel like I swallowed a gold bar?
"Hohoho!" Goldbob laughed, rain positively drenching him, his windup-key rusted to his back and barely able to turn anymore. "Why, Smithy merely offered me a deal I simply couldn't refuse, the old rapscallion! It's a shark's world out there, chaps! And I am still a shark!"
He wailed, "The Goldbobs have never made a bad monetary decision! Hoho! Why, it was obvious I should work with him! Why wouldn't I? No one has ever refused him! Hoho." His voice strained. "Besides. No one wanted to do business here with that ghastly sword. Staring.Always staring. Judged me more than my ex-wife! Hoho!"
Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh!
#ShotsFired
Hm. The three gang leaders in this city were all so frightening. Cackletta takes peoples' lives away, (allegedly) but Smithy takes everything except their lives away. A life could be better used for work. Bowser was a strange mix of the two. He was both and he was neither.
Still. This didn't tell me anything I needed or wanted to know. As we walked through the miserable storm of rain, completely defenseless, completely unprepared, I couldn't help but think to myself what it was all for again. Exor stared ever more. It did not look angry, merely amused, as if watching the story of ants unfold.
Magolor, visibly amused, said, "At least it's better than watching the story of Antz unfold!"
Suddenly, he was wearing sunglasses and the song from that one meme played (Sorry, I don't know what it's called).
Nobody was here. The weight of all that nothing, of all that nobody, pressed down on me like a sledgehammer.
Signs of construction appeared, old metallic plates drilled into the musty bricks. Seemed metal was the only resource Smithy and his gang liked using. It was plastered everywhere. Even the streets slowly turned to rusty metal plates. Maybe it was good we weren't driving here. I had a difficult time keeping my footing on the sleek metal ground.
This place… it was otherworldly. Were we truly still in New Donk City? Even the skies roiled with an unnatural blue that didn't make sense. Little Beanbean Town felt foreign, sure, but it at least felt like a place that belonged in our world!
Here though… I felt wrong.
"You're sure that's just when you're there, buddy?" Marx joked.
Something bounced in the distance. A noise. A sign of life! Or some kind of life at least. I strained my eyeballs against the assault of rain, and in the distance, I could see them. The lights tied around their heads made it all the easier to make them out, even in this foggy downpour.
Toads?!
Toadette stopped in her tracks, frozen. Why? Sure, it was strange to see Toads here, but they were familiar faces! Safe faces! I scrambled over to them, hoping that maybe, just maybe, things could be easier here. Maybe they'd know where Mario went!
"These Toads are strange specimens, to be sure," Magolor explained. "Not only do they not know who Mario is, but they seem to be working for Smithy as well.
"We don't know of any… Mario. A crown…however. Yes. That metal we have seen. Delivered to Smithy…Very well delivered if I do say so myself…"
"But what makes these Toads even more stranger is what Toadette says after they leave…"
Luigi…" Toadette whimpered out, staring at the rusted metal beneath us. "That… those…" The words hung at her lips, choking her.
Toads are always good! Why would she be so afraid of them? Even compared to Cackletta's tower, I had never seen her so scared. She wringed her hands together, as if she was trying to wash them. Sharp tiny breaths left her. She heaved. She gasped. She appeared to be drowning in it all.
"That was my brother."
Shyamalan: What a twist!
"Okay," Magolor said, rubbing his hands together, "this story's starting to get interesting. I can't wait to continue reading this-"
At that moment, Gryll walked in, carrying a clipboard.
"Hey, Magolor," she said. "Your time's up. It's my time for filming now."
"What?" Magolor asked, taken aback. "But I barely did anything this week."
"Sorry, buddy. I don't make the rules."
Magolor buried his face in his hands and slammed his head onto the table.
I knew this sort of thing would happen. I just can't seem to get a break. Hopefully, things won't get worse.
To Be Continued… eventually...
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